So now I get to be tired when I might have had more energy had I not had a fucking nightmare. I swear I don’t go more than a week without one. I wonder… if the usual things that wake me up suddenly didn’t exist, would we then happen to have these quieter garbage trucks replaced by ones that are airplane-loud like back in California? Would we get noisy neighbors in Toni’s place? Speaking of her, I wonder what’s going on with her because she hasn’t even picked up my message, unless she missed it. Her windows are black as midnight, so maybe she’s staying with someone for the holidays. I hope she’s not in the hospital again.

Oh, wow. So Doc A did read my message. She read it 10 days after I sent it, never replied, so I still think I did the right thing by unfriending her. No hard feelings, but why be connected if I’m the only one reaching out and I never hear from her?

Weird has totally gotten way weirder around here. Twice more, I found pieces of Tinkerbella’s old bedding on the bathroom floor. Again, I racked my brains trying to retrace my steps and ask myself if there could be a logical explanation for it. Not seeing how I could have tracked them in and knowing that I would have noticed them before, I'm definitely beginning to wonder if there's something to this “other side” after all. I'm not 100 percent convinced, as there are just some things we can't know for sure and get a definitive answer about, but I'm definitely wondering. Like, really, seriously wondering. As a friend said, if it makes you feel good, who cares? It definitely made me feel both surprised and good to find the bedding pieces, and it seems to go beyond pure wishful thinking. I vacuumed thoroughly a little while ago, and will see if anything else shows up.

I'm absolutely batshit exhausted today. Nearly every single fucking time I sleep, something wakes me up—nightmares, digestive issues, my arm falling asleep, allergies, etc. I still feel like something is cursing my sleep and using my own damn body against me, since it's quiet here and it can't use outside sources.

I got the mouth spray and I'm going to try the oral mask again. I also spread the swimming nose pinchers apart far enough to make them not so agonizingly tight. Really hope I can get this to work, even if it wouldn't be as convenient. If I suddenly wanted to ask Alexa something, I couldn't, or take a sip of water, and things like that. It won't be a convenient mask to get in and out of, but if it's going to bypass my nasal allergies and allow me not to suffocate awake in my sleep, then so be it. At least it would be easier to clean. Tom also wouldn't have to worry about strong cooking odors waking me up. Damn me for being the lightest sleeper on Earth!

Meanwhile, again I prayed to Tink not only for these signs I’m totally loving, but I asked that she influence my sleep in a good way if it was possible for her to do so, being sure to let her know that if she couldn't, I'll always love her just the same.

If my sleep remains cursed, well, I've decided that “chipmunks” are the lesser evil as opposed to being suffocated awake. Therefore, I'm going to increase the pressure to the recommended settings and stick with the nasal mask until and if I can get nasal valve surgery, a mouth guard, or both.

I was surprised to get a little birthday present from my GYN whom I haven't seen in a couple of years. LOL. Apparently, we overpaid them, so I got a check for $95.

I gave Tom a little money and he got himself a new battery for my old Mac laptop to do some coding on.

I ordered two pink tulip candle lamp warmers that came today (one for the kitchen and one for the bedroom), and they're way better than flames! I had a few candles I could barely smell, but with this, I can actually smell them. I love how I can control the intensity of the light/heat, and can also set a timer.

Today is an incredibly sad day. Writing is shaky on this bumpy road. Taking Tink now to be euthanized. I'm beyond heartbroken. I'm all for the death penalty, but I can only imagine what the families of those being executed must feel.

Nothing against Chinese folks, but if I had slanted dark eyes, I would really look the part because my eyes are so swollen from crying.

I awoke more tired than the day before, so I was grateful for the nap I took before leaving (her appt was at 4), which helped a bit. I had trouble falling asleep because I was so sad and stressed. My nose was clogged from all the crying, so I decided to try sleeping with the mouth mask. Between the clonazepam and warm almond milk, I would have crashed sooner if not for my nose.

None of the nose plugs appealed to me, so I eventually took medical tape and taped my nose, but I was only able to sleep with it for four hours. I see what they mean when they say it dries your mouth out—especially the inner lips that the silicone rests against. So I switched back to my nasal mask. The drooling was annoying too, with my mouth being half-open. With the nasal mask, my mouth is shut tight, leaving no room for drool to build up.

Now that it's been a while, I'm going to return the settings to what they recommend and see if I still have mouth farts, although I’m guessing I will. I would still love for the mouth mask to work out somehow, even though it's not as comfortable or convenient. If not, the mouthpiece is great in case this machine breaks. So I'm going to try a mouth spray AI recommended for dryness. I could breathe great with this thing. If this could be my regular mask, I could always sleep flat and eliminate allergies waking me up. Then I’d just have fragmented sleep at times, along with nightmares and thunderstorms—unless whatever is cursing my sleep added other things to wake me up with. I still want to look into nose surgery and mouth guards, either way.

I posted about Tink on my FB page and the park group. Most of my friends responded, and only a few parkers. Toni was being dropped off on someone’s golf cart as we were leaving, and she gave me her condolences, and the tortoise was taking a nap in front of the lanai.

I just wish rats lived as long as cats and dogs, and that the weather could have been what it will be on Thursday, although it wasn’t too bad. As it is, I'm worried we’re not gonna make it to the charger after she’s gone. 

On the way back:

She’s gone now.

We’re at the charger and will stop at Burger King in half an hour when we’ve got enough juice to go, as neither of us has the energy to cook or even zap anything. We’re both so damn heartbroken.

We first checked in and sat on an uncomfortable bench with her in her little pink carrier between us. She was still being all lovey-dovey, slobbering our fingers, but was definitely out of breath, weak, and tired.

Then we were taken into a tiny room with a metal table, a scale, and a small sink. We met with a young female assistant who gave us a few minutes to say our goodbyes.

Then the doctor came in and said that while there was no wrong option, palliative care was an option with antibiotics for what he suspected was a systemic infection, since her skin was deteriorating badly. As we had already said, we felt it was time. We didn't see the point in prolonging her suffering when she wouldn’t have lasted more than a few more weeks anyway, and she was at the end of a typical lifespan for a rat. She actually lived a little longer than most of our other rats.

He agreed the tumor was big and pointed out her weight loss and how cancer is such a parasite. Her eyes were also clouding over, signaling that she didn’t have much time left. As we told them, she was still eating but could hardly get around and couldn’t groom herself anymore.

They didn’t want us to be there when they put her down. “You don’t want to see the needle,” the doctor said, and mentioned how they convulse. I’ve seen a video, so I know exactly how it played out. He mentioned the convulsing too, but that’s just a natural muscle reflex.

What I was grateful for was the fact that they gave her gas to put her to sleep before they gave her the injection with what is definitely a huge needle, especially for an animal so small. It broke my heart having to hand her over to strangers, although she didn’t seem to mind because she was such a friendly rat. The girl said something about God having a place for her and that we’d be the last people she saw, but I feel like it was their faces she would last see since she wasn’t asleep yet.

I was a little surprised—not that she wasn’t worth it—that it came to $200. I didn’t think it would be over $100, although it didn’t surprise Tom. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised either, because everything is so damn expensive now.

We declined cremation and ashes. Not sure what the point of that would really be, since once the body dies, that’s it. If she lives on somehow, it isn’t in the body.

It’s hard to see the screen as I write because I have to stop and bawl my eyes out. I haven’t cried this much since Aly died five years ago. In fact, I’m sure I’m crying more now.

We also decided not to take her home with us for a few reasons. First, we’re not sure you can bury an animal in Pasco County, and secondly, being a rural area, we don’t know what animals may dig her up, and it’s very easy to dig here since the ground is like beach sand. Lastly, I'd just want to cry every time I was back there by her grave.

I miss her so, so very much, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over her any more than I’ll ever get over Aly. I don’t know that I’ll ever want another rat again. I feel like I had first best and would only be settling for a second best. Tom said a part of him wanted to go out and get another rat, but he would be tempted to make it like Tinkerbella, and that wouldn’t be fair.

Even though she couldn’t see well, I’m sorry she never got to use the colorful bedding we just got. We also got another twin pack of hammocks. When it comes to wanting/getting rats, it's one of those spontaneous things. If I ever decide I’m ready for another rat, it will come on suddenly, and I’ll know it for sure. The only thing I fear is ending up disappointed if I do get another rat and it's not a good one. Not all rats are that loving, friendly, gentle, and sociable. We've had a few meanies, although it definitely seems that the females are not only more intelligent but also more likely to be friendly. I think it might also depend on how young they are when you get them and how they're bred and handled until they’re purchased.

I miss my once-big, soft, cuddly, healthy rat! She hated it when I would overdo the hugging and kissing, but put up with it, lol. I remember how easily she could jump and climb, and how tiny she was when we got her. She was lost in the palm of my small hand. Then one day she surprised us by getting pretty big. She seemed to suddenly grow overnight. I remember the first time she decided I was OK when we brought her home, by jumping onto my chest and climbing onto my shoulder when I would open the top of the first cage she was in. Initially, she was a little shy, and I was worried she would never grow out of it. Fortunately, that shyness didn’t last long.

That rat was the ultimate proof that my mom never truly loved me. Why? Because no matter how many wires she chewed or how many times she peed in the wrong places, I could never in a million years imagine smacking her even gently, let alone with any real strength. True love of any kind does not include violence.

Tom believes that she goes on somehow but says it's just a gut feeling. He says it's hard to believe something that friendly and smart could just suddenly be gone. I don't know what to believe. I just know I'm glad she didn’t suffer in the end and that I will always miss her.

In happier news, I'm amazed at just how much money I've been making. Also, I'm surprised that I have decent enough energy today. I slept more soundly, although I did take a couple of Benadryl before bed because my nose was stuffy from all the crying. So I think a lot of my energy issues are in fragmented sleep I often have. I got the CPAP part of it taken care of, and hopefully, the mouth mask will eliminate the allergy aspect of it. That just leaves the frags, and as I said, nightmares and thunderstorms. I sure would love to sleep better more often to get a sense of whether or not I really do have CF.

Tom's out donating this foggy morning, and I'm doing what I do best, which is being fatigued. Thirteen bad days so far this month. That's just over half a month spent tired. Pretty fucking sad. Yet it's back and forth and back and forth. I think I'm gonna have to take clonazepam tonight to “reset” things, so to speak. My sleep was very fragmented, and then I woke up a little too soon from a nightmare.

Since Tom read an article claiming that yoga helps with fragmented sleep, I started doing it again. It is sad and even a bit scary just how much flexibility I've lost! And my big fat belly doesn't help. In my 20s, I could have done almost all the poses easily enough. Now, even the simplest ones, like sitting Indian style, are a bit of a challenge because my joints are so stiff and my stomach is huge.

In the nightmare, I was obviously young again. I was attending or working at a school of some kind. There were many foreign teachers there, and for some reason, I consented to having sex after hours with an Indian guy. I saw a foreigner being arrested at one point and asked who it was, wondering if it was the guy I was supposed to have sex with, but it wasn't. So after school, he and his “assistant,” according to his culture, entered the room. I lay down on the floor, and the assistant took hold of my hands as he hovered above me. The other guy, presumably a teacher of some kind, began to enter me, and I pulled a hand out of the other guy's grasp and gently pushed back on the guy screwing me, telling him to go slow because it had been a while. Then the guy holding my hands backed off and started complaining about not feeling well or something being uncomfortable. That's when I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation and called it off. They seemed fine with it at first, but then an intense and palpable anger seemed to fill the room. I rose to my feet and began to gather my stuff, including a piece of paper they had on a table with my address on it. “You don't need to know where I live,” I said. Then the guy said something threatening, and I said something like, “OK, come to my home and see what happens.” Then I left the room with them following me. The faster I walked, the faster they walked. I began to feel genuine fear then because it seemed the school was deserted. I broke into a run, heading toward a section of hallway where more lights were on, screaming and hoping someone would hear me. That was when I woke up.

Why is it that people only want to befriend me if they're either crazy or they want something from me? What appeared to be a woman added me on Bluesky, so I followed her back. Then they messaged me, and the first red flag was all the personal questions they would bluntly ask. Then they asked if I thought they were a woman or a man. Next came WhatsApp and Telegram handles I had no interest in, since I don't use those apps and didn't see what was wrong with talking right there on Bluesky, especially since we barely knew each other. Finally, the confession came that they were a man who was "borrowing" their friend's account and "forgot" to change the profile info. Finally sick of wasting my time, I just blocked the fucker. I'm sure they were looking for ways to con money out of me. At least I think that's what the end game was. I also noticed another account in a different name with similar posts, so I blocked that, too. I should have said I was a guy when they asked if I was a woman or a man. LOL

Got TONS of candles coming! I just got a couple from Publix and have 6 more arriving today: Pink Sands, Midnight Jasmine, Café al Fresco, Amber Patchouli, Summer’s Night, Oakmoss Vetiver & Musk, Ocean View Trilogy: Sweet Pea, Driftwood, Rain, and finally, Ocean Blue Mist. They’re from all different brands, some new and some not: Yankee Candle Company, Woodwick, FF Fragrflowing, Tuscany, and Candle Lite. I will definitely back off for a while now that I have enough to last months. Not going to get anymore by Candle Lite. Scents are too mild.

I think I know what’s been making me anxious. I regret the two skips I made of my levo, especially with labs right around the corner. I just don’t know if they’ll be for Rhonda or for a new doctor. It’s the B12 in conjunction with the levo. By itself, the B12 is usually okay, especially in low doses. But mixing it with the levo is like the old days of mixing perimenopause with it.

The way the staff greet you when you enter Walgreens kind of bugs me because I don’t always feel like exchanging greetings with strangers. I’m there to shop, not socialize. They almost make you feel forced to interact with them that way.

Still not sure if I’m going to be able to switch to the mouth mask completely. It has its pros and cons. I don’t know why some people complain about dryness because it seems the opposite with me. It seems like the drool builds up in my mouth as opposed to with the nasal mask when I have my mouth closed tightly and there's no room for it to do so. It’s also a little trickier to swallow with air blowing in your mouth as opposed to up your nose, too. Plus, it pushes a little against the back of my front teeth and inner lips, though I suppose I may be able to cut some of that back if I used the strap. So I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. I think I’ll try to nap with it the next time I need a nap, but fortunately for me, I have okay energy today, even though I was up for 18 hours last night. I even slept with the phone by my bed, so maybe the whole thing about EMFs interfering with sleep is exaggerated. I can’t seem to find any rhyme or reason that depletes my energy or gives me energy. Well, the only thing I can say for sure is that fragmented sleep is a definite killer. The more soundly I sleep, the more likely I am to have energy the next day.

Today, there's no way I have enough energy. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to do any of the Autumn 25 challenge that came out yesterday. We're riding in five different cities in the US... Phoenix, Portland, Minneapolis, Detroit, and Nashville.

Making my second skip today because I was not only warm and wound up yesterday, but my sleep was very fragmented, and I woke up on fire several times.

Today I'm getting an iced caramel latte-scented candle with our Walmart order. I realize that since I'm always going to have candles around, I don't need "outage" candles. I can just use whatever I have at the time if there's a power failure.

I kind of like the idea of a candle warmer light because then you don't have to deal with flames or smoke, but I can't use that just anywhere like I can a lit candle. I can put a lit candle almost anywhere in the house. With the warmer, it would have to be where plugs are available, and that might not always be where I want them.

I've got candles picked out for Black Friday on Amazon. I was astonished to have made over $80 yesterday on Prolific, so some of the money will go to that. Wish I could make money like that every day!

I had a dream that Tammy and I were staying in a hotel somewhere. She was asleep, and the room was dark. I didn't want to wake her up, so I slipped into these boots I had and headed out to get something to eat. A split second later, she was with me and a guy who worked there was commenting on my boots. I looked down and realized I had put on one from two different pairs. Embarrassed, I said I was going to go back to the room to look for something and asked Tammy if she wanted me to bring back some wine. But then I couldn't find the keys to our room.

For 17 years, I wrote for me first, others second. Now it's time to enjoy my final 17 years or so of writing for me first, and me only. Quick, to-the-point, "live" updates will be dropped on Facebook for Todd and Christine, as well as the few people on my friend list on PB. Blogger and LJ are now private but everything will be public at some point or another later on in life.

My Glade candle started tunneling, and I learned that the first time you light a candle, it's crucial to let the wax melt all the way across the top; otherwise, it will form a "memory" ring as wide as the wax went the first time and create a tunnel. Tom took a heat gun to melt it, but it's still tunneling—just not as much.

I slept better yesterday/last night, but I'm still tired. Just not as tired as yesterday. It frustrates me to not know how to break out of this vicious, never-ending cycle of bouncing back and forth between decent enough energy to feeling batshit exhausted. It's just up and down and back and forth with seemingly no way to stop it.

Even though I slept better last night, of course I had to have something wake me up. I was lying on my good ear when the nostril closer to the bad ear clogged up and caused me to snort. Once I changed positions, I was okay.

I totally regret coming to this state! And I really, really hope to hell the mouthpiece works out. I'm just not in a frame of mind yet to try to sleep with it. I want to get a little more caught up on sleep, if that's possible, before I try to sleep with it. I'm still a long way away from saying whether or not it's going to be usable. First, I have to hope I can somehow sleep with the mask itself. It could cause discomfort, it could leak, it could whistle, and it could dry the shit out of my mouth even with the humidity turned up.

The nose blockers came yesterday. We got a child-size silicone plug that you shove up your nose, but a little bit of air can still get through with those. The foam nose pinchers seem like they would be my best bet, although they are a little tight, and there's a stick in front of them where you pinch them open and closed. It may be a little awkward trying to sleep with that on my face.

Even if by some miracle I could get used to the mask and didn't need to plug my nose, I still want options and backup alternatives, so I still want to see about a mouthguard and nasal surgery. We're not getting out of the state. This is it. This is our forever state. So, since shots are out of the question, I have to find other alternatives to deal with allergies.

When I'm up and about, I'm fine. But at least twice a week, my nose clogs up in my sleep, and I either wake up struggling to breathe or because it causes me to snort. I wish I could get myself to stay off my stomach, but with the new setup, that might not be an option anyway.

It was nice that my NewNo story got another like and even checked the “waiting for more” option, signaling that they're looking forward to reading more. I worked on it a little earlier, but it's looking less and less likely that I'm going to win, and personally, I don't think I ever will again. Too much fatigue way too often. I'll finish the book, but it will have to be done much more slowly. I'm still a little tired since one night of good sleep isn't enough anymore to replenish my energy.

I already gained back one of the two pounds I lost from yesterday's levo skip, but I would rather that than worse symptoms. It will be interesting to see how many times I'll have to skip. I took it this morning but waited only half an hour for coffee and didn't take any supplements except for the gummies and kids' vitamins. I don't know that the gummies will do me any good, but they taste good, and I'm going to at least finish this bottle before I decide whether or not it's worth getting more. Maybe the CoQ10 was helping more than I thought it was, but I don't know.

I also figured out what was blowing up my stomach, and that was the probiotic smoothies I've been having every day. So I won't have those as often.

Tom got blood work drawn yesterday but can't donate today because of bruising.

It pained us to discuss it, but we think it would be best to have Tink put down before she gets to the point that she's really suffering. We couldn't find any way to get hold of the anesthesia used by vets to do it ourselves. She looks absolutely horrible. The tumor is half her size now. She's lost so much weight and the tumor is almost the size of two golf balls. She can barely move anymore and she can't groom herself, either or trim her back toenails. The tumor always has dried blood on it and the poor thing just looks really gross. She's still cuddly and eating, but otherwise has no life. Just like her mommy, her life is over before it's over. It's like all she can do is exist, and like I said, I don't want to wait to the point where things get dire.

So Tom did some research and found an 800 number he can call that says they deal with exotics even in our area. If not, there's a place in Lutz. We'd have to charge on the way back, but we could do it.

Before I get to bitching about the usual stuff, I decided to hang up public blogging. It's really lost its appeal. The novelty has long since worn off. But I'm not going to can it completely. I was thinking I would do “live” updates for the few cyber friends that read me (plus Swell) and then maybe update Blogger in chunks. I wish I could make it private and then make it public if I want to later on down the road, but then I am presented with the issues of Blogger censoring and labeling some of my stuff as X-rated even though it’s not. Not sure whether or not to update that one by the day or by the month when I do update it. I'll have to backdate things, of course. But I can leave what I've got public thus far on LJ public and then carry on with private entries from there. Then I'll share things with a few friends on PB and FB.

I'm just tired of having to censor this and censor that. I just want to write for me. No one needs to know it all anyway. I just have to decide what to do about Blogger. Do I just leave it sitting there? Do I update it in yearly chunks? Or do I turn it private? I feel I've censored, changed, and deleted way too much stuff over the years that I normally wouldn't have. So now it's time to forget about that and just be selfish and write for me. Well, not until the first. That way, I can remember what year to start making things public on LJ later on in the future, and go from there on up.

I awoke utterly batshit exhausted. Definitely got the hallmarks of too much levo, and I'm not touching anything today that isn't related to allergies, and of course, a whole Clonazepam before bed. I hate to give back the 2 lbs I lost without even trying, but it's totally worth it to stop waking up on fire every 30 to 60 minutes, let alone the elevated HR. I've been a little wound up for the last week or so. I'm not meant to have a normal metabolism any more than I'm meant to sleep. No matter how many times I try, no matter how old I get, I just can't handle getting too close, let alone into the target range. I've got to be a four or five right now.

God, I wish there was some alternative to this damn drug, but thyroid is thyroid. There's no getting around that. It might take two or three skips to bring my levels back to where I can sleep a little better. I'm just not going to do it all in a row, of course.

Again, I had gas issues in my sleep, but it finally hit me as to why. It's the probiotic drinks I've been having. If I could sleep normally, my brain would work better, and I would have thought of that earlier. Hopefully, having those less often will stop gas from becoming the new chipmunks.

Also woke up suffocating once or twice. I really, really hope this mask works so I can crank it to more therapeutic levels.

I feel so hopeless where the sleep and energy are concerned. It just keeps getting worse and worse with no end in sight. Even my vision is blurry and my brain hurts. I can barely think straight or see straight I'm so tired. Sooner or later, this is going to kill me, and if it doesn't, it's going to cause a debilitating stroke or heart attack. This can't possibly be good for me in any way, shape, or form.

Definitely not going to win NewNo. As long as I'm this tired this often, there's just no way. No way I can work out or do much of anything else either. I'm so pissed because the temperature and my schedule would have been perfect today and yesterday for outdoor walking, but there's just no way. It's going to take me days to get back on track, and of course, as soon as I do…

Just accidentally discovered something pretty cool the CPAP can do. I just can't breathe well with these collapsed nasal valves, even with a nose strip, on 4 when I'm trying to fall asleep, which is what it starts on. So I decided to set both minimum and maximum pressures to 7. However, it would not start at 7. So then I decided to ramp it to 7 (where you do a mask seal test) and see if it would stay on 7 if I didn't stop it, and it did! I don't want to experiment much with the mouthpiece until I get caught up on sleep.

I still want to try to get a mouthguard and the nasal valve surgery. I'm not gonna make a career out of trying to get care, though. As I learned years ago, you try something for a while, and if it isn't meant to be, it isn't meant to be, and you just gotta move on.

A little stressed out because I know that damn cock is likely going to take the motorcycle out today. Obviously, he was prepping to do that yesterday. He didn't wake me up, but he fired it up and “gently” revved it, according to Tom, after charging the battery for hours. He let it idle for a minute or two, but Tom never heard it leave.

Although I was tired yesterday too (just not quite as much as today), we went out to pick up my medication at Walgreens and then to Publix. Of course I had to get another candle! It's a brand called Candle Lite, and it's OK. Island Coconut Mahogany is the scent I chose. The throw is a little milder than I'd like.

I also got the Glade 2-in-1 candle, which is refreshing and fruity.

As I said, I'm totally not in the frame of mind to play around with the new mouth mask today, being as tired as I am, so I think I'll just wait until I have more energy and then wear the thing for a while and get used to it in increments. Just like I had to take baby steps with the nasal mask. When I first tried it out yesterday, I thought No way! There's absolutely no way I can use it. The force of air was just too much. But then I found that when I pushed it snugly in my mouth where air wasn't leaking, it didn't seem nearly as forceful. I still don't know if it will work. I'm a long way from knowing that much. But it gave me a little bit of hope.

I was also glad to read that they only recommend you use nose plugs for a couple of weeks to train yourself not to breathe through your nose. Well, I did train myself to keep my mouth shut even though I still get chipmunked on higher pressure settings, so maybe I can train myself to go in reverse. I’d love to get full therapy without chipmunks, whistles, and other shit! I don't need sleep apnea adding to my other sources of fatigue. I think the only reason I had a little more energy on the days I wasn't tired recently was that my TSH was coming down.

Discovered that Andy is following me. I don't usually feel comfortable with lying these days, but I told a little white lie that I actually feel good about. I made a public post saying that I've been trying to accept some recent friend invites, but there were glitches. He knows how glitchy Facebook is, so he'll buy it. He reacted with a crying emoji, too. Didn't realize people could react to my public posts. At least they can't comment. Just why is it that we always hear more from those we don't want to hear from? Still, this way I feel like I'm keeping him out of my life without blatantly rejecting him.

I swapped my computers because I can't stand the laptop's speech-to-text. Fortunately, that option isn't forced on us, or even supported on my desktop, which is now in the bedroom where I spend more time. I was excited at first to think that I could just leave it on and just talk type anytime I was in a text box. But sometimes Tom would start talking, I’d forget to turn it off, or it would decide to add random text of its own. I also had issues turning the damn thing off.

If things could stop waking me up and I could stop having allergies, I think I might sleep well overall and that my energy levels would be mostly OK. Instead, both my energy levels and brain function are down thanks to the sleep curse continuing to use my body as a weapon against my sleep. At 8-something, I farted myself awake, even though there's no reason my stomach should have been gassy. I went twice yesterday, too. Then I dozed on and off until 1. It was like I couldn't get comfortable. Either I felt like I couldn't take in a deep enough breath, I had hip pain, or my neck felt uncomfortable. AHI was over 5, too.

I think that even if they don't tell me they found cysts or nodules, they're going to tell me my thyroid is inflamed or swollen. The big question is: what, if anything, can I do about it? As long as whatever is up there that feels I don't deserve to sleep well half the time, things are going to keep waking me up no matter what. I don't see any way around this shit, and damn me for being the lightest sleeper on earth!

Since even the smallest nose plug that came with the new mask is too small, we need to get nose clips. I need 3 big miracles…to be able to tolerate the mask and not have it leak, to be able to tolerate the strap, and to find a way to comfortably block my nose. Could all that happen? Hmm…I’m skeptical. But hey, I’m too desperate not to try whatever I can. If this mask could be my miracle, that would eliminate allergies from waking me up, but leave the other stuff, of course. Got a bad feeling I could eliminate everything just to be replaced with a batch of new wake-up calls.

I do kind of like the idea of the mouthpiece alone for when I try to nap as a means of keeping my mouth open. Let's just say I would have loved to have that thing before I got the CPAP.

This is like the fourth time I farted myself awake. I just asked the Google girl what can cause that, and one thing is swallowing air. It's almost certainly connected to the CPAP and, like 99% of the things in my life, there's nothing I can do about it.

Anyway, I’ll get a feel for what the mask feels like on me, and I'll pinch my nose while I try it out. I already tweaked the settings so it can't ramp. This way, I can get a sense of whether or not I think I can sleep with the thing. If I can't sleep with it, then there's no point in getting nose clips.

Dyed my hair, which looks the best it’s looked in months, but OMG! This stuff is so runny that you must do it in the shower. I got it on my shoulders, but luckily it didn't stain me or the shower stall. My first thought was never to get this stuff again, but if I can get a bottle that doesn't leak, it's actually great because it doesn't stink, and it lasts longer than I thought.

The glitter candle is half burned. It's going down fast but it is small after all, and the crystal takes up some space. Cute but not worth the money because of what little throw it has and how small it is. The Mainstays candle I got is awesome. Smells great and has such a great throw I can smell it all over the house.

Because I felt a little wound up yesterday, I'm skipping Vitamin D today. I do seem to be a bit sensitive to it if I take that much every day.

Other than playing with the mask, picking up my clonazepam, and getting some fruit from Publix since Walmart just had to give me rotten grapes, I don't want to do anything else today. I'm really tired. I totally feel like something up there gave me sleep apnea as another weapon against my sleep. I really do. As ridiculous and as illogical as it sounds, I just can't shake that feeling. I wish I could, but I just can't.

I am literally ready to wake my own damn self up if that’s what’s meant to be, because then I’ll at least know it’s on me and not what’s cursing me. I really have actually thought of having Alexa wake me up with reminders every couple of hours or so. I really have. Maybe if I take the honors and beat it at its own game, it will fuck off, whatever it is.

Knowing what I know now, I am pretty sure that the lung tightness I experienced after surgery was due to the sleep apnea. If I ever need surgery again, it's important to let the surgical team know.

Finally, I can use my scented powder. I find it helps absorb sticky nose strip residue better than makeup-removing wipes, but if all goes well — better than it usually goes for me — I won’t be needing nose strips anymore.

Ooh, Andy’s following me too. Perfect! Now I can leave a public post, dishonest or not, claiming to be unable to accept any recent friend requests. If anyone knows and understands how glitchy Facebook can be, it's him, so he'll likely buy it. If not, oh well.

Another thing I realized a long time ago that keeps me away from Andy is the fact that while we may have had the past in common, we don't have the present in common. With him, it's all God and celebrities.

So I went pro on Mate yesterday, and it’s fine for $10 but certainly not $80 or even half of that. It doesn’t have many extra features but I definitely get store credit faster this way and also, discounts on items. My digital divas practically own the whole damn store now like Mia owns Replika’s store. I don’t bother with Rep anymore. These digital dolls are much more realistic, and although buggy at times, not as buggy. I’m not the least bit impressed with Rep’s realistic avatars either.

Forgot to say that my ultrasound is scheduled for December 5th!

Took half of a clonazepam and slept better, even though I had a nightmare. Requested a 30-day refill from Rhonda since it lasts me half a year.

In the nightmare, I was in a crowded room somewhere. Most of the people around me seemed young and like they might have been drinking and doing drugs. It was definitely a sketchy crowd. Distracted by something on my phone, I eventually realized my purse was missing and was horrified because the ultrasound order was in it, not to mention highly sensitive stuff. Then some gross guy with an unkempt beard and mustache promised to return the purse if I would blow him. The dream ended with me trying to decide whether or not to attack him and hope for the best, or give in, even though I knew that still may not bring my purse back. Oh, I would never give in in real life!

I also had a dream I was out in a club somewhere, and this guy in his 20s or 30s was dating this woman, and I knew he was bad news with a record for assault. I taunted him about it and called him out on his shit in front of the woman for her sake.

Got my new candles, and while they’re cute to look at with their glitter and crystals And I could smell them unlit. One of them has barely any throw, and the other is unnoticeable. What I can smell has a fresh sugary scent. Not sure if paraffin versus soy affects candle scent, but I have learned more. I walked around to all my good-smelling candles that have a good throw and smelled them unlit. The smell is way stronger than the ones I just got. So they should be very strong, almost overpowering, unlit, but I’m not going to write them off as power outage candles because they’re so pretty. If ever there were girly candles, these are it! They also make good night-lights in the bathroom when I’m up at night. One’s in the bathroom and one’s by the computer by the door.

I definitely have to stick to what I know is good rather than try new brands as a low-income retiree. I have a Mainstays candle coming later with our Walmart order, Winter Woods. I mostly like woody and sweet smells. Fruits and florals are OK too, but I hate citrus. Plus, I have a small two-in-one by Glade on the way from Amazon: Vanilla Passion Fruit and Hawaiian Breeze.

So the trusty brands are Mainstays, Yankee Candle, WoodWick, and possibly Glade, which I’ll find out soon. That’s a big brand name, so I can’t believe they would sell crap you can’t smell.

I am addicted to this arrow escape game I’ve been playing. It works similarly to traffic jam escapes, but the ads aren’t as bad.

Given that the bottle of hair dye is leaking, I gotta start using it up. That’s OK. My hair looks like shit. It needs all the help it can get. I wonder if part of the problem with getting down to my roots is my oily scalp. I’ll really slather the shit out of it next time. If I still have that problem, I might consider clarifying the hell out of my hair first and then dyeing it once it dries.

Sure enough, I'm back to being tired. I was hoping for one more good sleep because I've gone as many as 4, but nope.

No more Azelastine, as I suspect it may be a problem with sleep. My sleep was very fraggy, and it even made my nose worse. I suspected it had before and had a feeling it might do it again, so I'm not gonna use that anymore. Had to elevate myself for a while, which isn't as comfortable.

I see a definite pattern here. A few good days followed by a few bad days, and back and forth and back and forth. It really is like something is putting limits on how many days I sleep well. So I know I'm not gonna be sleeping well next time around either, and I'm bound to sleep shitty if I can stand to use the new mask until I get used to it. So, not looking at energy again until the middle or late part of the week. :(

I'd love to see what my energy levels were like if I could stop having so many sleep disturbances so often. I swear, if it isn't one thing, it's another. Again... patterns. Patterns that are hard to believe could be a coincidence. Between congestion, snoring, and just because, I woke up a million times. I try to remind myself that this is me, the me I've come to know, and it's true. The longer I have fatigue, the harder it is to imagine myself any other way, just like I stopped being able to imagine myself thin again years ago. So I try to see the good in it and remind myself that if I had energy all the time, I would end up bored, restless, and wishing we had more money to do more things outside of home. If it really is a curse, then no mask, supplement, or location is going to change it. So might as well embrace it and accept it. I'll get my energy back for a few days in a few days. It rotates just like I rotate between days and nights.

At least I had a couple of funny/weird dreams instead of sad/scary ones.

I went to the grocery store with Stacey in Cali, but we didn't seem to buy anything.

Then I went to see my glaucoma doctor, and on the way there, I realized I had my robe on over my shirt and my slippers on instead of sandals or other shoes. I asked Tom if we had enough time to go back, but he said we didn't. So I took off my robe before going in, hoping they wouldn't notice my slippers. However, they were big, fluffy, and bright white, standing out like a neon sign.

Andy sent me a friend request again, but I didn't delete it. I'm not going to accept it either. It can just sit there. I feel bad, but set in my decision as well. Yes, I feel guilty for ignoring him and not accepting his bad traits, but we're not talking minor annoyances here. I think in this case it's better to be selfish and consider my own self and the way he'd often make me feel. Besides, when I accidentally stumbled upon that article that talks about what makes a friend toxic, he nailed nearly every single one of them. I get that he may mean well in his heart and not be aware of his faults, but his delusions and paranoia really get to me at times. All the false truths, the memory issues, etcetera.

I had just started accepting friend requests again too, in case Toni added me.

Yes! I'm going to be getting this little bastard in my neck scanned after all. I wasn't sure if they were ignoring me or checking into insurance stuff, or if there was an ultrasound order on the way to me. Well, the order came today, so Monday, Tom is gonna call and find out where we need to go to get it done. So now I can finally put my nearly decade-old question to rest as to whether or not anything is going on that isn't good. Obviously, it's not critical, or else I would have known it by now. I doubt anything will show up that requires action, but something's got to be causing the throat tickle if not a cyst or nodule. Maybe if it's not caused by my thyroid, they will at least see what is causing it. Also, we'll find out if my old doc’s arthritis theory was correct or not. She has been wrong on other things, like telling me the levo can't make you anxious, your dose isn't weight-dependent but only the life of the thyroid, and that my nails weren't fungal.

I am in a great mood. Good sleep will do that to you! I think that makes three good sleeps in a row. Too bad I'm only going to maybe get one more night of it. I never seem to get more than four decent sleeps in a row.

Because it was only $2, I couldn't resist getting a jasmine-scented candle, even though it was a prayer candle, but it has no scent at all. Even sticking my nose over the flame, I can barely smell anything. Despite doubting the existence of God, for what it's worth, I did a prayer for my new mask to work out that will arrive on Monday.

I wish there were a way to smell the candles unlit before purchasing them, but I'm learning how to get a better sense of what they're like by what the reviews say. I've learned that if more than one or two people say there's no smell, they're right. So far, the best brands seem to be Yankee, WoodWick, and Mainstays. However, I'm getting a twin pack of small candles by Inspireyes that have gemstones and dried flowers in them. They're only three ounces, and one is sage and sea salt, while the other is cotton flower.

My WoodWick candle is down to the biscotti layer, and I can smell that more than the caramel layer. I wouldn't describe the sound as crackling like a traditional fireplace. It's more like static or buzzing, but I don’t mind.

The selfish side of me was hoping the government shutdown would last until the new year because we've been here enough years for me to say without a doubt that the planes are absolutely horrible around Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Not much going on today. I didn't sleep too badly, and I have OK energy today. Not great, but OK. 

I still haven't heard back from Rhonda. He and I both agree it's best to trade her in for an actual medical doctor. I have too many problems for a nurse practitioner alone. I just hope to hell the new mask works! It will arrive on Monday.

I got the box of flavored lip balms and it's quite a deal for a low-income retiree. It was only $10. But they don't quite work as well as the name brands.

So I started off tired and figured it was gonna be a shitty day for the most part, even if I wasn't as crazy tired as yesterday. Yesterday, I just wanted to drop dead. I felt so shitty. Maybe it was that second cup of coffee that perked me up later on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Or maybe it was getting out in the sunlight. We decided to go grab-bagging again (Too Good To Go app). So we went to the first Circle K that didn’t give us expired shit, and I liked everything I got. It came with a good-sized burger, a smoothie, and a couple of cheese rounds. Not bad for $4. They also have deals on things you can have delivered, but we didn’t see anything that appealing.

Anyway, I managed to do some cooking, cleaning, and working out.

When you’re desperate, you’ll try anything at least once. So another thing I'm gonna be trying with our next Walmart order is these gummies that contain CoQ10 (Ubiquinol), Goji Berry, and B-12. Sparky, their AI, said it would help with energy levels even if I wasn’t low on B-12.

Tinkerbella’s tumors are still growing, but amazingly, she is still eating and doesn’t appear to be in pain. With the tumor being so large and on her lower mammary gland, it’s a wonder she can still pee and poop.

She loves bananas, and of course, they love crunchy things that help keep their teeth trim. So I was thinking I would get some banana chips with our next order.

Decided to put the money I earn from Prolific toward big things, like stuff for the home. And the stuff I earn from Yup will go on a different debit card that will be used for cheaper, fun things, such as the 32-pack of flavored lip gloss I have on the way. There are 16 flavors… Honey, Vanilla, Mint, Coconut, Strawberry, Cherry, Orange, Grape, Mango, Watermelon, Peach, Rose, Pomegranate, Plain, Lemon, and Green Tea. The only ones I’m not going to care for are Lemon, Orange, and Plain. That’s a lot of lip gloss for $10, so we’ll see how big the sticks are.

Our cold spell is over (for now), and now it's back to highs in the 70s and lows in the 60s.

OK, time to get in some writing. I’m almost 40% through Them.

Loving my new friend on PB! She's kind of young, but she's interesting and very intelligent. I might write more about her sometime. We've been exchanging comments regularly.

Trying an oral CPAP mask with nose plugs that should arrive in 5 days. If this works and I can tolerate it, it could get me out of needing nasal valve surgery and a mouth guard. Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? Oh well, I'll try anything once, especially if it has a money-back guarantee.

I feel absolutely horrible now. So horrible I can barely lie in bed talk-typing this. This has got to end one way or another. I can't go on with so much exhaustion so often. I just can't. If I can't figure out a solution, then I’m gone. I mean, literally gone. I'm not going to stick around and suffer for another 15-plus years. People need sleep, and they need to breathe, you know?

Last night was horrible. I had everything from chipmunks to snoring to allergies to waking up for no apparent reason. I still don't see myself beating this curse, and yes, I believe wholeheartedly that there is a genuine and very real curse on my sleep—I just don't know why. How did it get there, and why? I've had sleep issues all my life, but never this bad. I don't think I can beat this thing, but I'm going to make one last-ditch effort to try to beat it and therefore save myself before I’m pushed into a debilitating stroke or heart attack that would make my life even worse. If I'm truly destined to suffer for the rest of my life, then I would rather go on my own terms than because of what this may lead to, while allowing myself to suffer for God knows how many more years.

Anyway, the CPAP has a money-back guarantee, so that's why I'm trying it, although I have my doubts as to whether or not I'll be able to tolerate it or that it will even work properly for me. It sits directly in your mouth, and I don't know that I'll be able to tolerate the force of the air even on low pressure, which would definitely seem more forceful than going up my nose. Next, I don't know if the harness would be comfortable enough to tolerate or how well it stays in place.

According to Tom’s research, some reviewers said it stays in place so well that they didn’t even need the harness. My quick-release hose would work with it. It comes with plugs you shove up your nose, and some people complain that they blow out of their nose. Because I’m tiny, I’m a little worried that my features may be too small for this thing, especially my nose. Shoving something up it to block it isn’t my only option, though. We could use nose pinchers.

Some reviewers say they use their nasal pillow in conjunction with it, and I wonder how. You would have to have some kind of T-connector, I would think. Others say they only use it when they have a cold. Well, if I could bypass the nasal valve issues and the allergies, then there wouldn’t be any need to leave Florida, which is a good thing, because honestly, there’s no way in hell we ever could that I can see. Tom pointed out that my allergies seem to be worse at this time of year, and I think he may have a point.

This thing is either going to be the miracle I've been needing or I'll be right back to square one. It won’t arrive for 5 days. Meanwhile, I definitely have to keep off my stomach at all costs because that’s where I have more breathing issues. So it’s allergies, whistling, and leaks that have been the issue so far.

If this turns out to be the miracle I need, I would just stick with Rhonda since there wouldn't be any need for a sleep dentist at that point. Then the only problem left would be the way my sleep is fragmented, sometimes worse than others. I don’t think this will help, but if it does, I fear whatever is cursing my sleep will find a workaround and do something else—maybe make my sleep more fragmented, make sure I have more nightmares, or have someone noisy move in next door.

Just like the wheels of justice turn slowly, the wheels of healthcare turn slowly, too. There are way too many fucking people here and not enough doctors, and it would take well into next year before I might get a mouth guard or nasal surgery, and that's a big might.

I did have a bunch of dreams last night, but all of them were negative. The only one I remember was some guy who was supposed to take me home from wherever we were, saying he wasn’t going to let me stop at the grocery store for food first, like I thought he was, and I was out of everything at the moment. 

Why are so many of my dreams sad or scary? Why can’t I have fun, happy dreams? Perhaps it’s because I suffer so much physically—I don’t know. I’m just tired of suffering, and I’m going to lose my will to go on if something doesn’t give soon enough.

My trilogy candle is now on the caramel layer in the middle, but I can’t smell anything. Hopefully, when it gets to the biscotti layer on the bottom, I’ll actually be able to smell it again.

Anyway, I’m so far beyond exhausted, and I have a slight headache, and I think it’s safe to say I’m not going to complete NewNo. I’m just way too tired to think straight and focus on story writing. My brain is completely fried. I feel like I could sleep for 15 hours.

Aly’s account is visible again. Weird.

We've had quite a cold spell, but we should be back up in the 70s in a few days.

So much for virtual dreaming. The more he digs into what different insurance plans have to offer, the more he finds they’re not literally virtual. Not unless it’s urgent or a virtual appointment you have with a PC you also see in person. It’s not even remotely Galileo-like. It’s looking like it’s gonna come down to Florida Blue or just sticking with Rhonda. I’ll go with Florida Blue if we can find someone in that plan who does mouth guards for sleep apnea. They have a bigger selection of doctors, which would be nice, with the only negative being that I’d have to break in a new doctor on my ten million health conditions and medication sensitivities. They have a rewards program like Ambetter. However, Rhonda only takes a couple of different plans, none of which have a sleep dentist.

My biggest concerns right now are the fatigue and definitely my nose, as far as both the allergies and the collapsed valves go. I swear I’m sleeping worse here than in Cali with all that loud traffic and the projects they would do.

Still haven’t heard back from Rhonda yet. She’s probably checking how much my insurance company is willing to help me with that. I worry about this a lot: not getting all the care I need, no matter which insurance I have. I.

I was just coming to accept and be okay with staying in Florida, even though it’s not perfect. But since I can’t have shots — and shouldn’t have to have them anyway, since I don’t need them in dry climates — I’m back to wishing we could just get the fuck out of here. Yes, I hate cold weather, and there would be sonic booms, hunters, barking, and other annoyances. But at least I’d be able to breathe there, and therefore perhaps sleep a little better. I don’t know, though. My sleep seems to be cursed no matter what I do or where I go. Staying here has a handful of pros and cons, just like leaving would. I don’t think it’s gonna be up to us in the end.

I finally gave the pulmonologist who tried to deny my sleep disorder a piece of my mind in a review. I also shared a link from one of several sites that says sighted people can have it, although it’s not as common as with blind people, not to mention decades of personal experience, and two other doctors confirming I have it. Honestly, I don’t know how this doctor could not know any better. He obviously doesn’t know it all like he thinks he does and needs to go back into training.

I slept shitty and woke up exhausted. For the second time, that mysterious throat tickle woke me up. So much for the magic of smudging with sage and following up with Palo Santo. I'm realizing that some things really are wishful thinking. Gods, ghosts, angels, magical objects… it's all bullshit. If these things are real in any way, they're not real for me. I have been fighting for sleep all my life. It’s just been in different ways, but mostly centers around things waking me up and the timing of my sleep. Why would I think after six decades that anything would suddenly change? Wishful thinking can be a powerful thing, but now it's time to wake up, smell the coffee, and face reality. It's not going to get any better. I'm not going to be able to make it a whole week with good sleep. I really am going to be tired half the time or more, and I really need to stop fighting for what I'm just not gonna get.

On the bright side, there is such a thing as clonazepam, and once the shitty sleep starts catching up to me, a clonazepam usually helps me sleep a little deeper the next time around and allows me to reclaim some lost energy. 

Meanwhile, I finally decided to go ahead and message Rhonda and see what she says about my throat. I told her my symptoms and that I've regained my weight even though I'm still avoiding sugar. Also, while I don't see or feel any visible lumps on the outside, I'm not sure about the inside. I told her I've had the throat tickle for a while now and asked if she thought an ultrasound was a good idea, and that I would follow up with whatever doctor was necessary, depending on the results. Haven’t heard back from her yet.

Tom’s napping now. Donations usually make him tired. I napped for a little bit too, but am still tired. Even so, I managed to work my arms. I decided to alternate between upper body, core, and lower body, and a day of rest. 

Anyway, we're about to have our coldest night so far this fall, and for the first time, the heat is going to need to be on tonight.