I slept shitty and woke up exhausted. For the second time, that mysterious throat tickle woke me up. So much for the magic of smudging with sage and following up with Palo Santo. I'm realizing that some things really are wishful thinking. Gods, ghosts, angels, magical objects… it's all bullshit. If these things are real in any way, they're not real for me. I have been fighting for sleep all my life. It’s just been in different ways, but mostly centers around things waking me up and the timing of my sleep. Why would I think after six decades that anything would suddenly change? Wishful thinking can be a powerful thing, but now it's time to wake up, smell the coffee, and face reality. It's not going to get any better. I'm not going to be able to make it a whole week with good sleep. I really am going to be tired half the time or more, and I really need to stop fighting for what I'm just not gonna get.

On the bright side, there is such a thing as clonazepam, and once the shitty sleep starts catching up to me, a clonazepam usually helps me sleep a little deeper the next time around and allows me to reclaim some lost energy. 

Meanwhile, I finally decided to go ahead and message Rhonda and see what she says about my throat. I told her my symptoms and that I've regained my weight even though I'm still avoiding sugar. Also, while I don't see or feel any visible lumps on the outside, I'm not sure about the inside. I told her I've had the throat tickle for a while now and asked if she thought an ultrasound was a good idea, and that I would follow up with whatever doctor was necessary, depending on the results. Haven’t heard back from her yet.

Tom’s napping now. Donations usually make him tired. I napped for a little bit too, but am still tired. Even so, I managed to work my arms. I decided to alternate between upper body, core, and lower body, and a day of rest. 

Anyway, we're about to have our coldest night so far this fall, and for the first time, the heat is going to need to be on tonight.