The last draft I typed for Mary was sickening! So much so that it’s so hard to believe it wasn’t part of a fictitious book and that it was actually the real-life events of someone I personally know. I can see how it’d be a horribly painful draft for her to write like she said it was. In the draft, the sick cock kills Gretchen while she’s working at McDonald’s. He calls her there and says she has to hurry home because Gretchen’s not breathing. She gets home thinking Sicko’s called the paramedics, not realizing right away that she’s dead. When she does realize it, she cries and screams in anguish and picks up a knife, wanting to kill herself till she feels Andrew move inside her. Then Sicko tosses Gretchen in a bag with shovels and they end up on a public bus. Mary’s in shock muttering Gretchen’s name while Sicko convinces the driver she’s in labor and the driver goes off route to Sicko’s parents’ house. In a wooded area there is where Sicko buries Gretchen before he gets a grand or two from his father and they board a Greyhound bus for Seattle with Mary threatening to get away from him somehow and expose him. She also promises to give up the baby she was carrying for adoption to save him from the sick fuck. Fortunately, she did do this too, not that she was a bad mother (when she wasn’t exposing her kids to cocks like Justin), but because she was broke and mentally unstable. Besides, I don’t think she had much of a choice. She was captured right around the time he was born anyway.

Despite all that happened that was beyond her control, shame on her for not killing the sicko right then and there! I mean, I can’t imagine the kind of rage she must’ve felt towards him upon realizing he’d killed her not giving even the smallest, frailest of women the strength to claw the biggest, meanest cock to death and that’s just what he deserved that night. I just don’t see how anyone could have their child killed by someone and not put their hands on them. She should’ve done him with the knife she was going to do herself with or done something. God knows she had enough rage and adrenaline to do it. It’s like, why take the time, money and space to lock these kinds of hopeless, unchangeable people up forever when it’d be so much easier to just take out the garbage and be done with them forever? Our joke of a system doesn’t do the right thing, so that leaves the responsibility, unfortunately, to fall upon those of us cursed with the likes of the Justin Gs of the world. Somebody’s got to do it, and sometimes, regardless of what the screwy laws say, two wrongs do make a right. Gretchen had every right to live which means that Mary had every right to kill Justin as far as I’m concerned because doing so would’ve meant saving her life if she wasn’t going to break away from him first, like she wishes she did. It makes my blood boil so bad to think of what he did that I know I’d be fully capable of killing him myself and she wasn’t even my child! I could snap a sick fuck like that over my knee as if I were the one weighing hundreds of pounds and he was just a little chunky. Rage does that to you. It gives you inhuman strength. That’s why I don’t see how she didn’t snap that night and simply kill him. I mean, as it was I could ever so barely control myself from going after the inmates who threatened me in order to keep my visits and commissary that I can’t imagine there being any way I could keep myself glued together if someone killed someone I loved that was within my reach. Do you know how badly I wished, just for the moment Nancy threatened me, for example, that I had just been given a life sentence so I could clobber her with nothing to lose? It was sheer frustration not being able to jump those who made their little threats and I know that one more threat, just one more, and there’d be no holding back. I’ll be like a dam bursting, and trust me, I won’t be thinking of any consequences cuz I won’t give a damn. Besides, you know how screwy the laws are. You go down for months if you’re convicted of writing threats, but you can kick the crap out of someone and get barely 5 minutes for that, so I’ll take the 5 minutes if I have to.

I also can’t imagine how she can love God or have any faith in him. He let this happen. In fact, he had more of a part in it than Sicko had, in a sense, but I suppose there’s no sense in wasting our time wishing we could change the past. I know how crazy it can drive one to wish they could. A zillion times I’ve wished I’d said or done this differently, wished I’d handled this one differently or that one differently, and it just drives you crazy!

Meanwhile, we were surprised by just how easy it’s going to be to pull the mural off. Most of it just peeled right off. All he has to do is scrape a few pieces with a putty knife, then it’ll be ready to paint. We decided to paint it light blue, then add white clouds! It’ll be good practice for when we build our dream castle.

I told Tom of my vibes pertaining to moving and he said that 2 months holed up somewhere seems a bit long since we’re going to be doing 99% of the work ourselves. True. Especially with a single-wide. However, if something can go wrong with our little excursions, it usually does, so we’ll see. I sure as hell hope we’re not renting someplace or in hotels for 2 months, seeing how rough 4 months were when we came here.

We talked more about our website and agreed that if we can make our own incense without any problems, we should sell 10-packs for $1.50. We don’t want to use the same units and prices Incense Galore does because we don’t want to seem like we’re competing with them or trying to be an incense business. Meanwhile, if we get a lot of incense orders and that ends up happening, fine. He also pointed out that sometimes it’s easier to sell an idea than a product, so if someone wants to know how I make mine, we could maybe sell them an e-book on how it’s done or something.

I’ve been eating like a pig. I’ve always been one to be fully aware of my ways. I know when I’m overeating and I know when I’m not. What shocks the shit out of me is that I’m still 129!

Because I was finishing up a book and still haven’t received the books I ordered, we decided to be spontaneous and have a little fun by going to Walmart. I was going to get a few things while he filled out an application on their computer, but people were tying it up, so he didn’t get to do that.

We could only spend a little money, but I got a pink shirt/gown for bumming around the house in with black dots, a couple of new sports bras and a book to tide me over till my order arrives.

I brought along a couple of mini incense sticks to cover the cow shit smell on the way to and fro, and we stopped at Circle K on the way back to get a treat. He got vanilla soda and cakes while I got cold honey tea and chocolate mini muffins. I also got this really cool little toy with bright, colorful flashing strobe lights. It’s a pink clear rubber star and in the center is the light that runs for 4 seconds when you squeeze it. It has a bright, multi-colored string attached to it so kids can wear it around their necks. I was playing with it during the 3-hour power outage we had last evening.

For just $10, Walmart now has “Fairytopia” which is part of the ’04 line. I didn’t get it since we need to save money and would only have to pack it to move, but it’s pretty cool looking. Barbie wears a pink glittery outfit and she even has pink glittery hair, too. Mary would like it. They also have one in purple and blue, too. I’ll at least get the pink one after we move.

Later…

Got my books today. They enclosed a coupon for a dollar off my next order. They also say they’ll buy back the books after they’ve been read, but I don’t know. I sent an email asking about it. If the store credit or cash payment they say they’ll give doesn’t cover the cost of the shipping it’ll take for me to get the books back to them, then I won’t do it because then I’d literally be paying to give my books back. I do enough stuff for free or at my expense as it is.

Tom got a ticket and I told him it would lose and that it was a waste of time till February. He said it’d win because he had a winning vibe. I told him it wouldn’t because he wasn’t the psychic one here, and sure enough, it was a loser.

There goes the renters. Fortunately, they’ve been driving quiet vehicles lately, but their dogs are pretty damn obnoxious at night. That’s okay. We won’t be here much longer.

Someone there might work nights. I was star-gazing at around 6 AM the other morning when I saw them come in.

Later…

I spoke with Paula and let her know that one by one she’ll get 4 small packages over the next several weeks. The second of three incense packages will have the one stick that just doesn’t seem to smell of anything at all. Hee, hee! That’ll be in the empty Sun Moon & Star bag, but of course, I didn’t tell her that.

She’s lavishing her abusive cock with gift after gift yet she can’t send me a lousy $10 for all the time and money I’ve so foolishly cared enough to spend on her. Never again, though. These packages are it. And the thing of it is, is that she’s too out of it to even know she’s so selfish.

She’s as high as ever on beating up on Miguel and being beat up in return. She was laughing about it, as usual. How can a human being enjoy being hit and enjoy hitting like she does? It’s just totally beyond me.

It was my turn to laugh when she told me it was -20° there. In fact, I was laughing so hard that she had to wait a minute before she could ramble on once again because I couldn’t stop laughing.

I used newspaper as a filler in two of the incense boxes, but in one of them, I’m using 4 little stuffed bears I have no use for, an old camera case and some pieces of foam. I also lined the walls of the box with an old 20x16 kitten picture I’ve had for years that I’m sick of. I’m pretty sure I got it back east in like ’90 or ’91.

Tom’s been slaving away writing programs to create games for our site. He’s making really good progress, too.

He’s got his mercury wheat straw dimes up on eBay. He already got a bid on them, too.