Today hasn’t been a good day for either of us. First, he went to the PO and again the incense as well as the check wasn’t there. Then he got hung up in construction and stuck behind a house they were hauling to wherever, so by the time he got to Casa Grande he was in such a bad mood that all he did was the grocery shopping. Meanwhile, he’ll try again tomorrow to go to the temp agencies but has been putting in applications online regularly.

He’s still sure I’ll get the incense and that they didn’t give it away to someone else. I hope so! Why is it, though, that the more I look forward to a package I’m expecting, the more delays there are? I’m no doubt going to have to fight like hell to get Haiku here! Tomorrow, assuming I don’t get the incense, I’ll email them about it. They’ll either have to make up another order or refund our money. If I get a second order made up, though, I’m going to have them use UPS.

Tom also thinks it could’ve gotten delayed because it smells good, saying that postal workers often set things aside for a day or two like pretty or funny postcards, and because of how good this package no doubt smells, they could’ve very well left it out for the day. Yeah, well I’d kind of like to smell it now, too. I’m the one that paid for the fucking thing in the first place. Another classic example of someone getting something good from me at my expense. I asked him if they’d steal it and he said that’d be very hard for them to do with all the cameras they’ve got going.

In just 5 days, I’ve won a total of 50 Memolink lotto points!

He took his Slingo winnings and bought a heartbeat monitor. You do the math to determine your target heartbeat, then you wear this thing around you just below the breastbone along with a special wristwatch and that way you can monitor your heart throughout your workout.

I am so, so fed up with these hopeless diets! I am so, so ready to just eat normally and let myself gain whatever I’m destined to gain. I don’t know if that’ll be 20 more pounds, 50 or 100, but I’m so sick of doing all this work for nothing. I’m sick of being hungry most of the time just to never lose weight. I’ll keep fit by continuing on with the exercising, but from now on I need to have the standard 2000 calories a day. I can’t take this 1000-1500-calorie bullshit anymore. I’m sick of the confusion and conflicting reports on what to eat, how much of each thing, as well as the contradictory statements about exercise. Half the reports say you can break up your daily exercise routine and the results will still be the same. Then you got others saying, no, it has to be 20-60 minutes of continual exercise, and I’m just sick to death of it! If I go gaining a ton of weight from eating reasonably, then I was simply meant to gain it in the first place and there’s no use in forever trying to avoid the inevitable and continuing to drive myself crazy over something that can’t be helped anyway. If I don’t spend my time driving myself crazy by trying to change my height, then why should I with the weight? It’s the same losing battle. I should just let my body be itself for once. Besides, not many people would be so apt to threaten a 200-pound person. Some might, though, because people are stupid and they tend to feel more intimidated by height rather than weight.

I thought of maintaining my weight through starvation, but again, that’s just no way to live. Sometimes the best way to deal with an ongoing problem you can’t solve is to stop trying to solve it and just let it be. It’ll work itself out the way it was meant to, even if it’s not exactly in the way we’d prefer.

I cured my need for inhalers and my stomach from gassing out after having veggies, but I cannot control my weight whatsoever. I can make the numbers go up, but try as I might, I sure as hell can’t make them go down. I can’t seem to control my rapidly deteriorating eyesight either.

Meanwhile, I’m going to finish up my current book and hope that the PO will let me have my package tomorrow.