I sat in the bedroom bundled up in my winter robe even though it’s almost July and looked around me. Tears fell from my eyes in anguish at the thought of society, God – whatever – holding us back in life like it has for nearly 4 years now. It was then that I realized once again that while we can’t change fate, sometimes we gotta do drastic things in order to make a change, even if the change doesn’t quite end up being all we’d like it to be. In other words, we can go someplace warmer, but we can’t change the poverty that’s so obviously destined to follow us throughout life no matter where we go.

I tried to tell myself that with fresh paint and new carpet, not that I expect to ever have the money for these things, we could make it comfortably enough here for the rest of our lives or close to it. But that was bullshit. It’s simply too small, too old and too cold here. I can’t make Jesse’s bummy little trailer our “home.” I can only see it as a place we’re staying for now.

Something up there obviously doesn’t want us to make it in Cali. Bad economy or not, we’re just not meant to succeed here. But just because we may be meant to struggle anywhere on the planet doesn’t mean we can’t head to Florida unless some change that I can’t see right now (like a permanent job with good pay and full benefits) is on the horizon within the next year.

I think we should wait another year since I don’t expect to win 20 grand between now and then, see if there’s anything in the pension fund, and then just get the hell out regardless of what may or may not be there. We’ll just have to take only what will fit in the car, but I’m ok with that at this point. If I’m going to have to struggle my ass off I’d rather do it where it’s not so cold so much of the year. We’ll just abandon what we can’t sell. I’d like to take the kitchen table, the bed and the smaller desk, but even that will have to be left behind. I was thinking we’d take our Macs, the stereo, the iPod, the laptop, our clothes, the treadmill we hope to get soon, and our toothbrushes, toothpaste and shampoo. I’d like to squeeze in our dishes, bowls, silverware and new skillet, but all else, including our color laser printer and big-screen TV, will have to stay or get sold. We should be able to make enough money to get us across even if there’s no pension money.

I don’t know where the hell we’d go in Florida as I don’t think we’ll ever get to even rent a place in a retirement community, but at least it will be warmer. Worst case scenario we rent a “tooth house” in the mainstream, but we should be able to avoid hotels and apartments. I cringe at the thought of even a mainstream house because I know whatever’s up there will be sure to pick out the worst neighbors possible for us – section 8, college animals, screaming kids, barking dogs, etc., but I cringe even more at the thought of wasting away in this little trailer as nice as the area is.