Why oh why do I miss Nane so much??? I still can’t figure that out. Why do I wish I’d hear from her more often? Why must my logical side fight with my illogical side like it often does? My logical side says not to spend so much time thinking about someone halfway around the world that I’ll never meet. My illogical side can’t seem to stop thinking about her and wondering what’s up with her. Do a blog search for “Nane” and you’ll see what I mean, LOL. The woman’s in nearly half the posts on this damn page alone and I have it set to display 10 per page. I will quit dwelling on her someday. She can’t help how she feels any more than I can help how I feel, so someday I’ll move on and she’ll become a distant memory. Unless anything changes between now and then that I don’t know about. :)

I sure heard from her friend Irene, though. She commented on my photo albums. “You look like an angel. Do you believe in angels?” she asked me.

My mind said, “Of course you think I look like an angel. You’re fat and ugly. Only the fat, ugly ones (along with the guys) are kind to me and pay me regular attention.” But in reality, I told her I didn’t know what I believed anymore and it’s true.

Had nothing but “spam” dreams last night. I dove into a lake, cut my hair off, and planted a tree with pink flowers that I’d magically stashed in the hall closet of what looked like my childhood home during the winter. I wonder why none of my dreams ever seem to take place in this trailer.

I guess it’s safe to say that mom got her plant yesterday not only because of the email notice I got, but because she tried to call my old phone. She didn’t leave a message, though.

Got a message from Eileen. I was flattered by how she said she marveled that I write books with no training, and that got me thinking – if poor people can get grants for classes in person, wouldn’t they have something like that online?

So Tom and I did a search and found a site that has free classes, poor or not. It’s by a university in the UK. I’ve already learned the difference between round characters and flat characters, LOL, and everything I’ve read so far makes perfect sense to me. Many of the techniques come naturally to me mostly by either just common sense or by examples set by other authors. But there are some techniques I could still afford to brush up on.

Later…

I guess I’ll do my entry before I go see what cocks, fatties and uglies may’ve left comments on my blog, not that I’m some beauty queen myself.

I slept absolutely shitty. I woke up smelling the slightest smell within a 5-mile radius. I woke up because I was too hot. I woke up because I was too cold. I woke up just because. Then the place stank of burnt rubber and that was when Jesse had to come down and replace the cooler’s pump which had finally blown up completely.

Even though it means having little to no alone time, I’m going to have to take melatonin and try to hold myself on days as soon as I get there because it’s just too hard to sleep here during the daytime in the summer. God, I miss having an AC with a normal thermostat where I don’t have to worry about making sure doors and windows are open enough and waking up because I have to either open or close the window to get the temperature just right! But the bastard above decided that we not only don’t deserve to live like the kings and queens He feels most of our families deserve to live like, but that I shouldn’t have a normal sleeping schedule either. Really, damn Him to hell and back for making me the little freak I so often feel like I am! The least the bastard could’ve done – if He were so hell-bent on cursing me with this sleep disorder so I can’t work and so as to hold us back financially – was not have me be such a light sleeper. But no. I not only can’t sleep at night every night, but I can’t sleep well half the time either. I feel like such a helpless loser and like things will never change! But I do enjoy the swamp cooler when I’m awake and I don’t want to return to apartments or mainstream tooth houses which are our only other options in life.

Mom left a message confirming she got the flowers and said she’d call back. I’ll call her in the morning. As it is, I’ve got to stay up as long as I can so I can hopefully sleep better tomorrow. I’ve been up since 9pm and am going to try to hold out till 3pm.

Nane was on Facebook long enough to wish a friend a happy birthday, but as usual, I’m being ignored. I think it’s totally safe to say at this point that I will never hear from her again. Makes me wonder yet again why she hasn’t dumped me. Guess I can just enjoy any more pictures she may post of herself.