Nothing from Kim. Gee, what a surprise. Not sure how long it’ll last, though.

Washed the sheets and next, I should do the bathroom. Maybe later. Right now I want to get in some writing. I’ve been working and working out and I just want to do something I can do sitting down for a while.

Tom got a $50 Target card as a bonus at work! That’s where he’s taking me on my birthday, as well as other places, though we decided to put the hair salon on hold. I not only want it to get a little longer before I add the long layers I’d like to have, but I have a busy enough day that day as it is between the dentist, possibly going out to eat, etc.

Tammy left a message updating me on her life. Poor girl’s been stressed and depressed but started a part-time job at a hospice, so this tells me her health can’t be too bad. I sure hope not anyway!

Her youngest girls are having a rough time now with health issues. Sarah slipped in a grocery store and now her ankle is in an air cast. I sent her a quick message as I did with Becky who replied with a quick “thank you,” but she hasn’t picked it up yet.

I had a close call myself a while back that could’ve left me badly hurt. My right foot began to slip on the wet floor causing me to go down into what was almost the perfect case of the splits. But thanks to all the working out I do I was able to catch myself before my ass hit the floor and pull myself back up into a standing position.

While I was delighted to hear Tammy’s sending packages out, which will include birthday and Christmas presents, she really didn’t have to do that. I let her know that Tom and I usually just send ecards for events like that but to let me know if there’s something in particular she’d like. Still, her generosity is greatly appreciated.

This will be my first birthday with my parents dead and gone. Assholes or not, it sure is weird.

As I told her, life is going so, so very well for us now. I still cringe at the thought of being here another year and I know there’s going to be some major problems with this old dump before we can escape it, but every time I get frustrated with the wait, I remind myself – first class. We’re going first class. No more bummy old, little dives! This place would be fine space-wise if it was just one person or two people without all the shit we have since it’s only a little smaller than the apartment I had on Woodside in Springfield, but we do have a lot of stuff. A lot of money too, but not enough to go first class just yet. But we are happy, healthy and losing weight. Eating less food more often is making a huge difference in my metabolism. Tom’s lost 50 pounds and I want to lose 25-45.

So much for thinking the rain would keep the Jes pest away. Why the hell did he have to waste his time and gas coming down here to ask if we had any leaks, something I worry about all the time in this ancient little trailer when we can just call him if we do? It was ok since I was wide awake and saw his truck come down and neither of us had to go out in the rain, but I still wish he’d learn to use the phone! If I’d been asleep I would’ve been pissed. He mentioned doing the roof again like he’s been saying for two years now. I know God’s not going to let us escape that excursion, so since we’ll still be here when he does it, it sure would be nice to be on vacation when it happens.

Once we got settled in here after 8 months of motels I swore I’d never go anywhere again and that I didn’t ever want to travel beyond just going from one room to another. But after being here since April of 2008 with no breaks, I’m definitely ready for a change, if only for a week. Only these days I prefer to vacation in other countries since I’ve pretty much been everywhere I care to go in this country other than Hawaii, and that’s still a possibility. It’s a toss-up between that and Mexico. Tom’s already been to Mexico, but Hawaii is just another state in the US. Bet it wouldn’t feel that way, though, just like it didn’t feel like we were in what is a part of the US when we were in Puerto Rico.

Ponce, Puerto Rico. Damn, I loved it there! I’d hate to live there, though. Too many people. Then again, my favorite language is still Spanish and I love the weather there.

Speaking of “feeling,” we were talking about how our manufactured home in Arizona felt like a real house as many new models are built like real houses. In this old heap of shit, I don’t feel like I’m in a house, but I don’t feel like I’m in a trailer. To me, a trailer is something on wheels that’s bouncy. This thing came in on wheels, but it’s been set on stands and blocks. I’d say it has a more cottage-like feel. In some ways, even the dump we rented in Oregon did too, but that was a definite house. It was built on-site and had an attic.

Nane’s so sweet. She took the time to drop me a line while on break and wish me a nice weekend after telling me to hug the rats for her. LOL, will do. She also got a kick out of one of the dreams I had of her where I came to visit her but she had to work one of those days, so I accompanied her to work. The plan was to be her assistant for the day, but I just could not do a damn thing right to save my life! First I accidentally knocked a big stack of papers off the corner of her desk, then I busted through a chair I sat on, then I was bringing her soup for lunch, tripped and spilled it all over the place. She finally threw me into a small room with a computer and told me to write a story, LOL.

I also dreamed that it became free to call anywhere in the world, so we started talking like every other month. That would make for a nice dream premonition in the end. :)

Lastly, she sent me a sweater with German writing on it. All I remember was “Mein und…” I love it when I dream in other languages, even if it’s only a word or two.

This winter’s rain has really been making up for last winter’s drought. The frogs are croaking up a storm and I’m sure some will come to visit us soon enough. Maybe not, though. I think the only reason we had some last year was due to the dryness and so they were in desperate search of water.

Ooh, Tom’s home early today! But he still has to work tomorrow.

Aly and I suspect Kim may be leaving her alone due to her working with the FBI. Therefore, we both agreed that without mentioning her name, I’d hint at her being able to help me with the “sick twist that’s been stalking, pestering and following me from site to site.” I said that my friend told me more about her job, and being with the FBI, she is actually obligated to report any wrongdoings she may see, even if she doesn’t personally know the people involved.

This much is true, too. She does background checks on online pervs and perps, etc.

It was so obvious that she was pretending to be Molly on Ask earlier asking “why do you write about me i don’t do nothing wrong to you” and “i want to play with your rats and be your friend.”

She hit Andy with, “This is Cady. Why is Jodi so mean to me?”

Again, classic Molly, but definitely not Molly. Molly not only doesn’t pretend to be other people, but she also hasn’t been around anywhere at all lately, and I haven’t written about her lately either.

sighs Such a shame when one hates themselves so damn much they pretend to be everyone but themselves.

Tom had fun setting up and playing with the new cell, hotspot and tablet last night after work, though I haven’t used it yet. I didn’t see him this morning because I slept till 7:00 and didn’t beat the alarm. But I wasn’t that tired when it went off.

Got my new Turbie Twist towels, too. It’s so nice to have new ones with nice new elastics, even if they’re all just plain white.

Nane had me cracking up earlier. Although she’d probably hate to admit it, there’s no denying I’ve gotten her to see rats in a whole new light, LOL. She thinks Julien’s a real cutie and agrees Romeo looks soft and shiny that even she’d like to play with him. Bad “starter rat,” though, as nippy as he gets when he gets playful. He got his first real taste of freedom last night, so I’m sure that when the nocturnal naughty gets up later on, it will be fidgeting at its door in anticipation of being let out.

Decided to drop LiveJournal because it is too glitchy, too slow, and too full of forced change. I didn’t turn it private or dump it, though. It’s just going to sit there. I have commenting disabled so it doesn’t get spammed.

Lots of wind, rain, peace and quiet today. It’s to go on all week.

Touched base with my usual round of friends, including my German hottie and Phillip. I miss the hell out of him. He asked what was up with me, saying mom would never give any info. Really? You mean the blabbermouth that told the whole damn town of Longmeadow that I jumped out a window wouldn’t even tell him the basics? Wow, just wow.

I shouldn’t be surprised, though. I don’t remember who it was but one time I was talking to someone she knew and the subject of my knowing Spanish came up. I was a bit surprised when this person was surprised to learn this. I had figured they already knew I spoke Spanish since most mothers would be quick to tell their friends that their daughter taught herself a language, right? Wrong. I remember feeling a bit hurt that she hadn’t been told about it, but hey, it was something Dureen couldn’t relate to herself and it wasn’t anything she had any interest in personally, so should I really have been all that surprised?

My furry boys are so damn cute when they play! Rats love to wrestle with each other, especially the males.

Our new hotspot should be set up and tested today or tomorrow. Don’t know if it’ll work or how much faster it will be, but we’ll be finding out soon enough. Either way, I can’t return to sweeping till next year. If I win a grand or something it would throw us into the next tax bracket and mess things up for us. After my teeth are taken care of and we get our next round of propane, we’ll have a better idea of where we stand. I just know we’ll be here a long time to come since we decided to get something newer, nicer and bigger. We will want to have 15-25 grand when it finally does come time to move depending on exactly what we get. My dreams already told me the place would cost 12K. They also told me Nane isn’t a nail-biter. I had a dream she was talking with someone who was nervous about something and she said she was never in the habit of biting her nails. I asked if that were true, and nope. She bites her lip instead when nervous.

I was hesitant to make this next part public, not wanting to give a certain very sick asshole the attention she craves, but fuck it. It’s my journal.

Fucking Kim just won’t leave me alone on Ask! Every week or two she fucks with me directly or indirectly and now it seems she very well may be impersonating friends. Is there no end to just who this skitzo will impersonate?

While I was able to verify that Kim does indeed have a friend named Jackie, I don’t believe anymore that the person who contacted me on Ask saying they were Jackie and wanted to give me her email address cuz she wanted to talk to me, was actually Jackie. I think it was really Kim.

Same with the person who’s been contacting me saying they were in Tennessee. They said we never actually spoke but they were told about me and I live an interesting life and all that stuff. They said they were a friend of a friend who lives in Philly whose first name begins with a K. I thought of Kaylyn and while she used to live in PA, it wasn’t Philly that she lived in. I honestly can’t think of any friends I have that live in Philly. I did, however, find out that Kim has a friend in Tennessee and alerted her as to what’s going on. She said she felt bad for her that she’s that bored and miserable. Well, I don’t. Not at this point what with how out of hand things have gotten. Enough is enough! Sure I’m sorry if Kim was severely abused as a child and about whatever head disease she may possess that’s making her so crazy. But Kim is a grown adult now. She should know right from wrong. And just like I had to tell the other troll for so long, NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT! I do NOT want to hear from this nut on any site or for any reason!

Whoever it was that said they were scared of Kim, regretted having anything to do with her, and asked how to deal with her craziness, was probably Kim, too. Especially since the questions quickly changed from that to, “How do you know when you’re crazy?” and shit like that.

As soon as I mentioned her TN friend this morning, she quit bothering me. For now anyway. Is she really that stupid not to know I’ll eventually figure her games out? I guess so! Yeah, you fucktard – and I know you’re reading this – I will eventually find out it’s you when you harass me wherever.

Really, why is she doing this to me month after month? Why is it so damn hard for her to move on? She obviously does have other friends, so why can’t she focus on them? She’s proven to have a deep-seated hatred for me. So then why would she want anything to do with me? Aren’t we supposed to naturally want to ignore and avoid those we don’t like?

But sadly, and also like the other troll, she hasn’t actually done anything illegal. She hasn’t threatened me (yet) or anything, and unfortunately, the laws of the streets haven’t quite caught up with the laws online. It’s not like I can file a cyber restraining order.

This is a very sick, twisted individual who obviously has way too much time on her hands. I doubt her entourage of shrinks and therapists even realize what her online behavior is like.

I later got, “How do you deal with a crazy person,” and “How do you know when you’re crazy?” and “Do you ever wonder if you’re crazy?” and “Do trolls know they’re trolls?” and “Who’s crazier, you or Andy?”

So I’d say that no, it’s no one that’s been victimized by Kim. It’s just Kim. Just plain old crazy Kim. As I’ve said a thousand times, I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. Had I known for a minute she’d turn out this way and that she was this crazy and another obsessed stalker same as Molly, I never would’ve bothered with her, or I’d have at least let her go quietly instead of confronting her. Sometimes it’s those you least expect to be the crazy ones. Back when we were friends, as strange, slow, dumb and annoying as she could be, I’d never have guessed she’d end up pestering me like this every week or two.

Slept better last night cuz I took a Benadryl instead of that Neuro Sleep drink which caused me to wake up a lot during the night. It must contain melatonin. I got a little sneezy yesterday anyway, which tells me that slacking off on the nasal spray wasn’t such a good idea. It’s a preventative thing, so I gotta take it regularly if I don’t want allergy attacks.

I was only slightly chilly with the blanket and no fan. If I just open the vent before bed I should be fine without comforters, and Tom’s just fine with just a sheet pulled over him. We set the heat to come on between 70° and 72°. After today we’ve got a few days of rain headed our way.

We were shredding papers with sensitive material and I gave a bundle to the rats to nest in. They just love it.

My wonderful hubby is taking me to a salon for the first time in over 20 years for my birthday (and shopping) after I have my dental bridge installed. I need my hair relayered. For most of my life, I kept my hair one length and it would range between my waist and thighs. I’d only cut it every 4-5 years. I learned that the best way to avoid a bad cut (and save money) is to not bother. But now I’m sporting a shorter, layered look. It’s time to dye it again, too.

Nane suggested Strähnchen (highlights) but I don’t think those look good on curly hair.

I’m doing a variation of the Special K diet that is much easier to stick to. I eat less but more often and that helps keep the hunger down and my metabolism up. Plus a half-hour on the treadmill and 10-20 min. of arm and ab work 5-6 days a week.

Oh, and before I forget - I have been quick to bash and trash the system, from my perps to their cop friend, from my “lawyer” to the judge, and all those who had a hand in trashing my life for a while all in the name of hate, spite and revenge. Well, I don’t regret doing so for it is with just cause. However, I should point out the detention officers I dealt with while I was in jail. They felt very bad for me and treated me very well, doing all they could to make my stay as comfortable as possible. They agreed that guilty or not, no one should receive the kind of sentence I did. They were very kind to me, cracked jokes, and did their best to cheer me up along the way. Just thought I would point that out.

Later…

Years ago I got this keychain with a little red laser light on it. When we lived in a duplex in Oregon in 2004, the bathroom window faced the back of another duplex occupied by a mother and daughter. The daughter was on one side, the mother was on the other. The daughter wasn’t big on privacy. Her living room windows were right in front of the bathroom window, perhaps 10-15 feet away. There were never any window coverings on the windows.

The bathroom window was in the shower wall and I had to shower with the light off when I’d wanted to crack it at night. I liked the fresh air mingling with the hot steam.

Every night the daughter would sit on her couch facing the window. Her TV was directly below it. It was all I could do to keep from getting a little laser-happy and shining it in at her, hahaha. It would’ve been beyond perfect, too! First I’d have shined it on her, startling her and making her spill her popcorn all over the place. Then there’d be a red dot spelling “hello” on the wall behind her, hahahahaha..... SO fucking funny!!!

Sure enough, there’s been no response from Maliheh, assuming she’s picked up the message I sent a few days ago. No journal entries, just a quick message asking why I haven’t heard from her since last summer. A week after my birthday I’ll message her to “thank” her for remembering. Next month I’ll give her a piece of my mind and be as done with her as she obviously is with me.

I should’ve known this would happen and that she only befriended me to get her name out of my book. I should’ve known that if she could react the way she did to my trying to be honest with her upfront about how it would probably be best if we were just friends which she took as a “Dear John” message, that she’d lead me on and dump all over me again. I should’ve listened to my gut instinct when the first red flag went up. That was when she refused to ever call me or add me on Facebook. I thought it was strange and was like, well, since we’re friends now then why wouldn’t she add me? But I let it go and figured she had her reasons. However, not using FB much was not one of them. She tried to tell me she only checked in to see who was still alive and who died. Well, she may not use it every day, but from what I can tell, she’s pretty active enough. I then thought maybe she didn’t want to have to explain to the friends I added why I was suddenly added, and while I still thought that was kind of weird, I didn’t question it much. But now I know the REAL reason she never added me. It was because she never was a true friend and she had no intentions of pretending to be my friend forever.

Those long stretches of silence she “promised” to stop were just her playing with me. She knew what she was doing. She knew she would stay away long enough to make me start to doubt her, then claim she would “always” be my friend. Well, I’m sorry, Maliheh, but you’ve gotten rather obvious!

I was always left with a nagging are-you-sure-about-that? feeling when she insisted she never prank-called me in return, directly or not, back in MA. Then recently I was reading in my 1991 journal about how one of the callers sounded like the girl she was with in the club the night we met. Even if she hadn’t, doesn’t she realize the timing was a helluva coincidence? Who else would have pranked my unlisted number back then? The crisis center? Kim and Mark? Lori H? It’s possible, but I doubt it.

I also thought it weird that she insisted it was me who kissed her on the cheek goodbye that night when it was the other way around. I clearly remember that much. The minute I walked into the club she asked me to dance. How could one NOT think someone was interested in them after they kissed them and asked them to dance? She wasn’t falling down drunk that night, but IDK, maybe she was slightly buzzed.

She may like being alone, but I think she’s also alone because she can’t maintain a relationship without not only being the bossy bitch from hell but without the damn games mixed in as well. Just like Kim likes to be other people, Maliheh obviously likes to lead people on. Maybe she doesn’t always mean to do it, though, as she apologized for my misunderstanding her once when she said we could “get closer” after such and such a time when she was really referring to getting closer to figuring out what was wrong with her health. She also did admit she wasn’t trying to draw anyone’s attention. Ok fine. She never liked me in that way in the end. I know that. I accept that. What I didn’t accept was her befriending me under false pretenses.

I got this non-carbonated drink called Neuro Sleep and it seems to help me fall asleep easier. If I could get myself to need less sleep and not be up 18 hours as often as I am, it would make holding a schedule much easier. I do seem to be getting a little less sleep-needy with age, though, so that’s good. Sometimes I still need 9 or 10 hours, but usually just 8. I very seldom sleep 12 hours, something that used to be a little more common with me when I was younger. The thing is that when I finally get around to the sleep doctor after getting my teeth taken care of and then my new glasses, they’re almost certainly not going to tell me anything I haven’t already heard. I know the tricks to slow the roll like I do when I have upcoming appointments, but it’s just not a forever thing.

Anyway, this drink helps me fall asleep after being up a reasonable and standard 16 hours, but I sure do wake up a lot along the way. Last night I slept like I do when I sleep during the daytime when he’s not around. I fell right back asleep and even beat the alarm by 10 minutes, but I don’t feel 100% rested. Close, though. Real close.

I’m just trying not to think of how we could be a few more grand ahead of where we’re at now as far as savings go if my teeth and other expenses hadn’t come up, but things do keep coming up in life no matter what.

I asked for a sign from above in my dreams as to how much longer we’ll be here, but sure enough, I got zip. I did have a hotel dream, though, I’m sorry to say. Hopefully, it’s just a possible sign saying we’ll go on vacation before the move instead of after. We have a year and a half to take the trip, but we haven’t decided yet when we’ll take it. I think we should take it ASAP, I told Tom. That has a deadline, moving doesn’t.

Andy cracked me up the other day by asking if memory foam pillows help us remember our dreams, hahaha. No, but memory foam toppers really heat you up, even this thinner one I’ve been sleeping on. So I shoved the comforter aside and threw on the fleece blanket. No one should need to sleep with fans on when the bedroom is down to 69°, so if this is enough, then we won’t have to wash the comforter next weekend as planned. We were going to wash the pretty pink one and the spare green one.

“Kim likes to spy on you on facebook she has told me so just so you know. she made an account that she can watch you on,” I get on Ask. Then, “Sorry the obsessed stalker wasted her time and energy. I now have my account set to friends only and I have deleted any public comments/likes that I can’t make friends only. I get questions like…any advice to get rid of people who are crazy in the head? And…i regret getting to know Kim she is a total nutcasewhackjob and i worry what she could do to me. And…why did you delete my question? Kim likes to spy on you. you should be very worried she is a bad person.”

My first thought was that it was really Kim. Aly, who says Kim’s been leaving her alone (really? But they were friends much longer. Maybe it’s her connection to the FBI?), says she’s never known Kim to refer to herself in the third person. This is common with MPD folks, but I guess it could be Jackie. If it were Kim or Jackie, though, why would they bash Kim and not me?

Maybe it really is someone who also learned the hard way just what Kim is all about and is being followed and harassed the same as I am. But if that were true then how does she know about me and why contact me in public? Why not contact me on Facebook and send me the link to this new account she created if she were that “concerned” for me?

Really hope it isn’t Aly fucking with me.

As much as I’d love a bigger, newer place with cable internet and drinkable tap water, and that doesn’t include the Jes pest and mutts, last night’s dream was another convincing reminder that some things just aren’t meant to be, and if we try to make them be, disaster may strike. Well, maybe not disaster, but enough unpleasant things anyway.

It was weird cuz we went from hotels to renting from Jesse to owning a place we were about to lose.

The dream started in a hotel. We decided to spend the week there and only go to the Jes pest’s place on weekends because gas became so outrageously expensive that we needed to be just a few minutes away from where Tom works. It must’ve been beyond outrageous to be able to afford to rent from the Jes pest AND stay in hotels.

There was a problem with one of the guests in the neighboring room but I was afraid to say anything at first because I didn’t want to come off as a complainer when we’d just got there. I don’t know what the problem but the manager assured me I did the right thing by finally coming forward and she was glad I did cuz it was important that she know about what they were up to.

As I was packing us up to go home for the weekend I wondered if Jesse had been looking for us during the week and wondered what he’d think when he learned we didn’t live there anymore but on weekends. Then I realized that if he really needed to get a hold of us he could just call.

So two seconds later we were back home, but it didn’t look like the Jes pest’s trailer. It was our old home in Maricopa and it was ours. My dream self knew we were about to lose it, too. We had a cat instead of rats, which was weird, cuz if I absolutely had to choose between a dog or a cat, I’d go with a dog since cats claw, jump, climb and shit indoors instead of outdoors.

Tom was on the phone and while I couldn’t hear what he was saying, his tone suggested he was having a serious talk with someone about either work or our fucked up finances.

Next thing I know the roof is made of glass and there are beautiful cherry trees in bloom and forming a canopy over it. I realized this was so because Tom hadn’t had the time or money to keep up on things like tree trimming. But it was beautiful. So beautiful that I went to hunt for the camera to take a picture. However, the light in my little office blew out when I went to flick the switch and then I realized I had to hurry to find it cuz the sun was setting fast. Instead, I broke down in a heap of tears realizing the beauty we would lose once we officially lost and left the house. End of dream.

In other words, don’t try to move cuz things will break, not work, and be lost all over again just like the last two times, right?

Not sure how we could have lost something cheaper than this, but fuck it! Just fuck it. All my life I’ve been trying to escape one place after another and it’s gotten really old. Maybe it’s time to just focus on what is good about this place instead of just what’s bad about it. It’s tiny as hell but no one lives just outside our walls, gabbing and slamming car doors and trunks, even if Jesse’s Harley more than makes up for the distance between us. I hate his mutts, but we don’t have to pay an electric bill. I hate his bulldozer and all his other loud vehicles but he’d let us split the rent if we were having a tough time. I hate how Jesse rudely drops in on us without calling first, but I can blast music here all I want. I hate all the sawing, but no one walks or drives by the place, and we’re about to do something about the shitty Internet connection even if it may cost us a pretty penny and drop our savings right along with my damn teeth.

The question is WHY is something up there trying to delay, stall and stop us from moving??? Does it not want us to own again? Is Tom right in saying it’d be like living in a cemetery, something it doesn’t want me to experience given all the noisy places I’ve been meant to live in for over 20 years? Or would it be noisy without being noisy yet still mess with my sleep, especially when I was on nights? Meaning, would there be tons of car door slamming that would wake me up or maybe landscaping? I wouldn’t have expected to hear ferociously loud sounds like Jesse makes, but you can’t have that many people clustered together, old or not, and not hear things. There wouldn’t have been motorcycles, bulldozers, dogs left outside round the clock or 5-hour basketball games, but there’d have been more sounds more often. The residents and their company would come and go several times a day, people would walk their dogs, and people would be outside gabbing with friends or on the phone or trimming bushes. So cemetery-quiet? Not likely except for at night or on very hot and rainy days.

Later…

“We can’t just go get a place for 5K simply because that’s what we have to spare right now,” Tom reminded me. “It’s very important we take our time and do it right and not settle for something that’s just going to have all kinds of problems, though I understand how frustrating staying on 6 more months to a year is if it does take that much longer.”

Yeah, we should both know, after all. The white/Jew-hating freeloaders in Phoenix taught both my husband and I just how long half a year truly is. Especially if you’re either unhappy or waiting for something. Well, we’re not unhappy, but the waiting sure does get old. Like I said, time to get comfortable and just try to look at the pros of being here. As I also said, God can hate us and not want us to get what we want, but He can’t keep us here forever. So fine. We’ll live like bums for another year, but if we must do so, it sure as hell won’t be to go to another dump in the end. No, if we’re going to be stuck here another year, it’s going to be for something nice and I mean nice. Yes, we will compensate ourselves with that much. :) I just HATE the thought of staying here another year, but I’m not gonna deny the fact that the thought of going from one dump to another did not sit well with me at all. Even a “classier” dump would’ve sucked all our money dry as we had to fix and replace things. So we’re going to make sure we have a place that’s newer, bigger, built like a real house (even though it won’t be on concrete), and that is something we can live comfortably in for a decade or more should we decide to live there forever. I want something I can be proud of, not embarrassed by or that’s going to make me feel like that’s all whatever’s up there feels we deserve. In fact, we agreed to refuse to take a place that doesn’t even have a dishwasher, but if it doesn’t, there must be space to install one as soon as we get in.

They dropped my parents’ condo down 5K. I already know it’s eventually going to wind up in foreclosure and that I’m not going to get shit so I’m not sweating it. If God had no problem with me being abused and then with not allowing my perps to be properly punished, why would He allow me to get any money from them in the end? I’m a little concerned He might have Tom laid off before we get out of here, but if worse came to worse we could jump into another tiny old single-wide for just a few grand and there’s no way we could end up in the same disaster we were in a year ago. So worst God could do is “guide” us into another piece of shit. But it’d still be ours and much cheaper than this.

I wish I could at least know the date of our move! Even if I couldn’t see where we were going, when will it happen? When???

Anyway, one of the things we’re going to do to make this place a little more livable is to get a hotspot. Don’t know if it’ll work out here or if it’ll be fast enough, but if it is, I’m going to return to sweeping. I’ll use its bandwidth for sweeping, then use our regular shit provider for other things, assuming it’s connected. Rather than get the expensive phones we’ll just get one new cell, so it’ll be $75 a month and not over $100. If we can’t use the hotspot while we’re still here, it’ll be the usual $25 a month for our slow, part-time service.

With the exception of Tom’s sore muscles from working on the car the previous day, yesterday was fun. We went to Raley’s and although it was just a simple weekly grocery trip, it was fun picking out the usual things besides some new and different things to try for variety. Glade’s Walnut Mocha air freshener smells like heaven. Airwick’s Sugar Cookie is nice, too. At one point we were in the ice cream section and just as I was telling Tom it was too cold for ice cream, the store went completely black. Then the emergency lights came on. A few minutes later the power came back on entirely. It was weird. I’ve never been in a grocery store during a power failure.

I even got some fun stuff like some shiny stickers of curly ribbons and squares in various colors and decorated the bottom of my monitor and the dresser with them.

Online I ordered a 3-pack of Turbie Twist towels for $14 since the elastic loop on mine broke a long time ago and I decided that rather than keep trying to replace it with hair elastics, I may as well turn it into a rat bed and get new ones. I’d had that one for nearly a decade anyway, and while we may not live like it at the moment, we do have lots of money.

My allergies have been much better but I can’t say if it’s due to the nasal spray or the time of year. Allergies aren’t typically a problem at this time of year, so I guess the real test will be next summer.

I have 9 more days till my bridge is put in and am going to set the alarm one hour later each day even if I get up before the alarm goes off. That way when I need extra sleep I can take it but still make it to my appointment easily enough. As long as I’m up by noon on the 4th I’ll be ok. Not that it’s possible unless they come out with a cure for my sleep disorder, but with my shit luck if I can ever keep a schedule it won’t be till I’m too old to get an outside job. Oh well. Better later than never.

Tom had to replace the laptop’s mouse cuz it kept double-clicking.

We’re back to thinking we might go to Hawaii instead of Mexico. That way we don’t have to worry about getting him a new passport and dealing with customs and all that. That can be a real pain in the ass and it kind of makes you feel like a kid all over again the way they go through your stuff.

We’re wondering if Julien’s going to make it. He’s having a lot of trouble breathing.

Julien, Romeo’s new roommate, has arrived, and Romeo is absolutely THRILLED about it, too! I’ve never seen this rat go so spastic with joy. It was so funny and so cute. After a quick walkthrough of Kmart (we didn’t buy anything) we headed over to the pet store, which stunk as usual and had a couple of obnoxious little kids in it just like 3 weeks ago when we bought Romeo. We figured that by now they’d have a new shipment of rats in. All that was with Romeo last time were two older white rats.

This time there were two brown ones like Romeo, a white one, and a couple of hooded ones. Julien stood out not only because he’s a hooded rat with a cool-looking dark stripe down his back (we didn’t want identical-looking rats), but because he seemed the calmest. I think he’s going to end up being more willing to be handled than Romeo is, though Romeo’s really warmed up to me. He wouldn’t even take food from me at first, let alone come to me.

Julien’s a lot younger than Romeo was when we got him and is half his size. I’m a little worried because he seems to be having trouble breathing, but hopefully he’ll be ok. The pair we had before Tinkerboy had the same problem at first and we didn’t think they’d make it.

We had enough food and bedding but while Tom was filling out the paperwork, I was quick to grab some wood chews for them in assorted colors and flavors. I think they’re flavored anyway. As much as I know about rats, I don’t know if they can see color, but I do know they can’t see nearly as well as they hear.

So we get Julien home, and as soon as we enter the place, Romeo barrels out of his hideaway and runs to the door of his cage like he usually does. That’s his way of greeting us and letting us know he wants attention. He’s become such a little beggar too, LOL. Then I open the door, open the box Julien’s in, and pick him up. Then I stick him in the cage and Romeo springs to life! He was like most rats in that he didn’t like living alone. We only had like 3 rats that didn’t mind going solo. Romeo dashed back and forth from sniffing and kissing Julien to hopping out to climb all over me as a way of saying, “Thanks, Mom!” LOL, he hopped in and out of the cage going back and forth from Julien to me.

I couldn’t get a picture of Julien cuz Romeo wouldn’t let me near him. Every time I’d try to take his pic Romeo would jump in the way. It was like he was telling me he didn’t want to share him at the same time he was determined to remind me who was king and who was here first.

Romeo was slow but through persistent training, we’ve been able to get him to follow simple commands and he definitely knows his name now. He’s also definitely not as skittish as he used to be, though he may never be big on cuddling up with me or following me around the place. He might have fun chasing me, though, as to them that’s a fun game. I first thought I wouldn’t be able to let this rat run around loose since I doubted I could get him to go home very easily, but I think I’ll be able to allow him more and more freedom with time. I definitely can’t be letting Julien out when he gets a little older without this one hopping out, too. When it’s just one rat they usually like to explore, but when it’s two they like to run around and have fun wrestling each other.

Our provider finally admitted online that they’re fucked up and they’re never going to get any better in this area. They simply refuse to upgrade these old wires. So, our attempt to get them to fix the lines and speed us up is off cuz this slow speed is all they’re now offering.

Since we’re going to be here for a long time we decided we may as well go with something like either a MiFi or, as some people may prefer to call it, a mobile hotspot. The good thing is that it will be reliable and give us full-time service. It should anyway. We’ll start with just one phone to test it out here before we dump our current shit provider. Even if it doesn’t work well in these mountains, it’s still something we need to have as a backup cuz our old cell is now obsolete, and it’d be fine once we move.

The bad is that the phones are expensive and would cost $90 instead of $25, and we’d only get 10G of bandwidth a month. We both use an average of 15G now. I wouldn’t be able to upload, download or change background pictures as much. Text would be no problem, though as that doesn’t take up nearly as much bandwidth.

What frustrates me is knowing that we’re going to be stuck here another year or so. Tom keeps saying maybe something’s trying to do us a favor and not just by making sure we don’t buy the wrong place. He’s replacing the brakes on the car because you’re not allowed to work on vehicles in the park. He’s always done his own car work but now he’ll either have to find some other place to do it or pay to have it done. He says that if he had to pay to have it done it could cost $500.

I disagree. I don’t think something’s trying to keep us from making a mistake, I think it’s trying to keep us from moving altogether. I think it thinks this is all we deserve – to live in someone else’s little old shitbox. So God knows how many more months or even years of the dogs, saws, motorcycles, ATVs, bulldozers and loud trucks I’ll have to deal with. The fucking mutts drove me crazy on Wednesday. The cock was apparently out all day that day. In fact, it really spoils my otherwise peaceful and relaxing day to know that any second now I should hear the first of anywhere from 3 to 6 trips in and out throughout the day.

That’s ok. Unless whatever’s up there kills us, it can’t keep us here forever. It will probably influence all kinds of things to break when we finally beat and defy it and get what we want – our own place – but I’m not going to let that stop us. I sure am tempted to just say, “Aw, fuck it,” and give up at times, though. But uh-uh. There’s where we were meant to be and then there’s where we WANT to be. Our lives are ours, they belong to us, and we’re going to do what we want with them no matter how long it takes.

Tom found a really nice place we could buy outright right now at a park with the best deal as far as lot costs and all that but there’s no way we’d take it even if it were free. It’s backed up not only right against the mainstream but a super dumpy part of it, too. I’d never get any sleep there, he told me. Funny, though, that there’s always, always a catch when something that seems so ideal first jumps out at us. It’s too far from work, too costly, too close to trouble…too something. And no, it’s not a coincidence.

Nane and Andy had me laughing my ass off. Nane left a hilarious comment after I replied to her and Mary’s comments on a tropical scene I posted. I replied to both of them in the same comment box and to Mary I said: Mary, me too!

“Who do you want to marry?” Nane asks, hahahaha.

Nane is definitely not so much as more flirtatious so much as she’s more affectionate when she’s had a few drinks. On her nights off she typically has a drink or two. She admitted she was a little disappointed I won’t be going to Italy where we had hoped to maybe meet up, but says it’s probably better that way cuz then I’d see her wrinkles and gray hair and that would make her unattractive. LOL, I’m sure she’d still be a very beautiful woman. I can relate to her self-consciousness, though. I’d be worried she’d think I was too fat or something. I said to Tom, “Sometimes I wish I’d always been fat. Then it’d be nothing new for someone like Andy or Tammy that I haven’t seen since I was thin. I’d be what they expected and they wouldn’t be like, what the hell happened to you?!”

As I was telling Nane, my wonderful hubby may take me to a salon to get my hair dyed and relayered on my birthday, depending on how much time we have that day and how I feel. Nane suggested adding Strähnchen to my hair, but nah. I don’t think highlights look good on curly hair.

I can’t wait till she picks up her messages next week! Andy sent me a pic of a woman holding a stick in one hand while shoving a guy’s head into a sink saying it was her training Askim. LOL, it did sort of resemble her, too. The woman was tall and slim, though with lighter hair.

This entry’s taken me forever to do. I keep stopping to do other things. Sure enough, I can’t hear my husband working on the car 50 feet away, but I could hear that damn cock roar out 200 feet away.

I realize this may cost me some friends, but I have something to say, folks, and I’m GOING to say it! I am fed up and pissed off to the point that simply observing in silence isn’t cutting it for me anymore. I’ve never really been big on New Year’s Resolutions, but if I had to choose one this year it would be to stop being afraid to speak my mind simply because some people don’t want to hear it. So here goes! After all, as a published author and a heavy blogger, I should know that no one’s going to agree with everything anyway. So no more keeping some of my thoughts and opinions either to myself or in private messages amongst my closest friends. I have just as much right to express myself as the next person so long as I’m not threatening anyone. Although I would never want to knowingly and intentionally offend anyone, I would rather lose friends by being honest than obtain them by not being honest or feeling like I have to hold back on some things.

I was never afraid to admit that if there is a God I feel He’s a real jerk for allowing some things to happen to others as well as to myself, so why should I be afraid to say I’m sick of this be-nice-to-Muslims trip going on? “Get along with them” is the message I see everywhere these days. “Be a friend to them.”

But how??? How do you be “friends” with those who do NOT want to get along with anyone? They hate Jews, gays, blacks, and atheists, and they treat women and children like dirt. How do you be “friends” with that? How do you reason with or buddy up to someone who, instead of respecting your beliefs and simply agreeing to disagree, wants to kill you if you don’t tell them what they want to hear and what THEY believe? I’m not saying every single one of them is like this but an alarming number of them sure seem to be and the only ones I feel bad for are the women and children. Girls are being shot in the face for writing in their blogs that they think education is important. Women are being killed in their family’s “honor” for trying to escape their abusive husbands. How effed up is that?! This isn’t something that only happens occasionally, folks, so when I see video after video of them burning the American flag and saying how much they hate us and want to kill us, tell me… how do you befriend that?!?!

You want to unfriend or hate me – fine. But don’t expect to make it MY problem if YOU choose to read this and YOU have a problem with or disagree with what I have said. I’m willing to be friends with anyone – ANYONE – who can treat me with the same respect and kindness I treat them with, but here’s where I get fed up and draw the line! I’m sick of hearing how we should have a bleeding heart for those who want to kill us simply for being who we are. Well, those flag-burning monsters that hate me so much for daring to disagree with some of their ways can kiss my tight white American ass! When they can accept me as I am, then I’ll consider being buddies, but not until then.

Talked with Andy this morning about the dream I had where he killed himself. He’s still plagued with nightmares and wonders if a certain nasty group of people (that makes another group not seem nearly as nasty even though they’re plenty bad enough with the shit they do AND get away with) put a curse on him simply for stating his opinions and beliefs. At least it’s in his nightmares and not his real life. Hope it stays that way! He too, suffered many years and deserves the good things that have come his way.

We were talking about suicide and he said he’d never act out such rage on himself or someone else. That’s easy to say until desperation hits. When the government cuts your unemployment checks while you’re still jobless and you know you could never make it on the streets, these things you swore you’d never consider start popping into mind. Same with those who swore they’d never harm another person. Could a mother whose daughter was just raped and killed keep that word if she were suddenly alone with the killer?

Although I certainly don’t expect to ever be in such predicaments, I know I would rather kill myself quickly and painlessly if my only other choices were life in prison, or to be tortured, to die in a fire or some horrible thing like that. I don’t think suicide is merely about rage, but about desperation as well. The natural urge to protect ourselves from things that are too painful or that we can’t handle.

Well, I’m glad Tom got his job when he did cuz life on the streets would have been no life for us. He might’ve lasted a while, but I wouldn’t have gotten very far for very long. I hope to hell we’re never half as miserable as we once were and that no one ever forces me to harm them in the name of self-defense. Who wouldn’t if they were attacked?

Although they weren’t always sweethearts, this year alone I lost my dad, then my mom, and now my sister and a dear friend are very ill. Yeah, I just learned that someone I once loved – and still do for that matter – has MTHFR Mutation and an extra heartbeat. It’s Marie, the Italian hottie that says she still loves it when I tell her to fuck off, LOL. Yeah, she holds the record for being the only one who truly “loves my fire” as she puts it. I will always have a special place for her in my heart as nutty as she can be at times. Nutty or not, she’s so sweet. There isn’t much she wouldn’t do for a friend.

That is so cool, but I’m not going to write in other languages here anymore because it wants to change my spell checker to those languages as well.

Ended up talking to Tammy yesterday. She still sounds bad, though not as bad as last time. I guess now they’re not sure if she’s got Sjogren’s or pneumonia because there are so many different auto-immune diseases that it’s very hard to properly diagnose.

My sister and I are pretty frustrated cuz the condo across from my folks just sold but theirs is still up for sale just sitting there month after month. If the thing goes into foreclosure, then I won’t get anything at all, and that’d be so God, too. Tell me He didn’t have a hand in influencing her to spend like crazy in the end (Dad probably didn’t know what the hell was going on) so I wouldn’t get anything from this woman who made so much of my life a living hell and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit. Now the bastard is determined to work Tom to death so we have no time to get out of here no matter how much money we have saved. But we WILL get out of here someday. He can do something else to us at that point, but He can’t make us stay here forever.

She complained about Lisa and told me about Becky’s health problems. On FB, I wished her luck with her issues and she thanked me. I was right about Sarah not actually owning a salon but renting a spot in one. Still, she owns her business name and all that goes with it.

Next came the big surprise. She had said something about a surprise her husband had “for us“ and I thought that meant her and Mark or her and the girls. Instead, he’s decided it’s been too many years since she’s seen her sister – 20, to be exact – that either just her or her and Mark are going to come visit us in a year or two for a few days. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea, though she understands it’s best to wait till we have a bigger place. She could come now, but there’d be no room for her and she’d have to stay in a hotel. She’s welcome to do that, though, if she would prefer the privacy of a hotel.

We talked about whether or not Mom and Dad were together or what could possibly be the case with them, but neither of us has a clue. We’ve never sensed them either. I told her about Tom, Nane and the way I’d influence things, depending on my mood, in ways that were rather extreme be it positive or negative, as well as the dream premonitions. I told her how it got to the point that I was afraid to go to sleep back when all my nightmares were coming to life, but how that all seems to have stopped lately. That’s a good thing too, because not only has Andy had some nightmares about himself, but so have I. Last night I dreamed he killed himself. His life has been going so, so well. I’d hate to see anything bad happen now.

It’s bad for Bill again. His cancer returned, but as God would have it, the abusive bastard is perfectly operable and savable. I had no idea Norma’s husband Milton was battling cancer too, till Tammy told me. That’s too bad.

I also dreamed that Maliheh messaged me but I haven’t heard from her since last summer, so we’ll see.

Been having these pains in the side of my neck that makes me wonder if maybe it’s got nothing to do with my ear or teeth at all.

Went down another pound, but since I didn’t work out yesterday and ate 1500 calories, it was probably water and not fat. I’m still tired of periods setting me back a couple of pounds each month when the PMS makes me so damn hungry. All I want to do then is sleep and eat. Now I want to go try the pre-cooked bacon and ranch mashed potatoes we got but I’m simply not hungry enough for them yet.

Romeo’s getting better with me, but for some reason, he just hates Tom, LOL. Tom said he’d get used to him over the long holiday weekend, but what if that only makes him hate him more? Hahaha

Later…

Tom read a fascinating but sad article this morning before work that he shared with me and I thought I would share it in my blog and discuss it a bit. As some of you may know, people are often quick to disbelieve and bash things that are either rare, that they can’t relate to, that they don’t get, or that are just plain weird. I’ve gone through it myself where I have either not been believed or I have been overestimated. I thank you for your vote of confidence but I can’t just up and conquer every fear and phobia at will, even if some of you sure think I can and I myself sometimes wish I could. I couldn’t have made it on the streets had Tom’s job not come through for us and saved us when it did. I knew that and Tom knew that and there was no use in kidding ourselves where that was concerned. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Better to be realistic about them and just deal with them, though there’s nothing wrong with trying to improve what we can.

Despite being quick to be disbelieved because I’m white or because I’m childless or because I have some things people don’t see every day, like a deformed ear and surgically made canal and a sleep disorder, I never tried to hide these things. I have openly discussed them same as what I had for dinner or what music I like.

Sleep apnea is more “acceptable” in society mostly because it is one of the more common sleep disorders. But mine, which usually causes my schedule to jump forward 1-2 hours each day, is less common. It is a combination of screwy melatonin levels and my body being devoid of an inner clock. When you are commonly up for 18 hours instead of the usual 16, and when you are a little more sleep-needy than others (though I do sleep the standard 8 hours most days/nights, it makes it much harder to hold a schedule.

24-hour Sleep/Wake was first discovered in the 90s in blind people who could not literally see night and day. It’s a condition you’re typically born with that worsens with age. Even I’d never heard of such a thing and while I knew I wasn’t making it up as some excuse to cover for some grand truth of any kind, I first thought I had gotten myself into a very bad habit. But then why was it so damn hard to set my damn alarm and get up at the same time every day, I would wonder, if it was just a “bad habit?”

I asked Tom if he ever thought it was just a bad habit and he said no, because if it were a matter of habit, then I’d be on either just days or just nights. Not night, day, night, day…

Narcolepsy, also incurable, is even rarer. They fall asleep suddenly at random times throughout the day and night. Tom worked with a guy once whose mother was given a medication that promised to stop that so she could drive. However, she fell asleep, crashed and died. Oftentimes it is assumed that these types of accidents were because the person was drunk.

For years I felt picked on from above. The number of problems, the severity, the flukiness…all seemed a bit extreme. But when I read about this girl in which only 1000 known cases exist, boy did I feel bad for her! It was my turn to say, wow, I never heard of any such sleep disorder. Sadly, she too, was first accused of faking it, only in her case she was accused of doing so for attention cuz she’s only 17. In my case, it’s supposed to be so I don’t have to work outside of the house.

The only part that seemed a bit odd was the hypersexuality. Where would you find the time for so much horniness if you’re always asleep? Still, what a horrible thing to have to live with!

Some people really piss me off. So many abused women whine and complain that no one helps them, and while it’s sad that those that truly want help don’t always get it, what about those we DO help just to get shit on for it? Sometimes people DO try to help. Sometimes they threaten the perps hoping it’ll scare them off. Sometimes they call the cops. Sometimes they offer to take the woman in. But what do they get for it? They get treated as if THEY’RE the criminals for trying to intervene.

Just like some people have bashed me for things they clearly cannot relate to and that they clearly don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, I’m not going to sit here and say I’m an expert on these things, cuz I’m not. Far from it. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. As an adult (before meeting Tom) I’d fight back and then dump abusive people, though I was never with anyone that actually harmed me. Still, I wouldn’t have stuck around and taken it and then defended them when someone else let them have it or tried to help.

I’ve had my own share of low self-esteem in the past but I understand that my situation was very different. It’s not that I don’t empathize with these women, and I’m not saying we should throw our hands up in frustration and say, “Fuck it! Let them get their asses beat if they’re not going to allow anyone to help them,” but I can see where they might frustrate the hell out of some people. It’s bad enough to see them stay with their abusers, but when they say they do it for the kids it burns me up even more. How can staying with an abusive person be good for your kids??? Even if the guy treats them well, they witness the abuse the woman goes through, they sense her fear and tension, and I don’t see how that can be doing the kids any good. I can see where it’s not always easy to pull up stakes and split, especially with kids, but must it really take some women decades to figure it out???

Tammy’s frustrating the hell out of me. She was on FB, so why didn’t she reply to my message??? I know she read it. Why not leave a VM instead if she didn’t want to type a reply??? And what is the real reason she hasn’t sent the packages yet? Is she hoping we’ll hurry up and move so she can get our new address?

My parents continue to piss me off even from el otro lado. I know their place is going to sit there on the market for many months, if not a year or more unless it is practically given away. Oh well. Life could be worse.

My tummy’s almost flat again now that I’ve lost most of the water and bloating that seemed to go on and on forever this month.

When Tammy left a message on Facebook asking me to call her my first thought was, not again! Why do we need to talk more than once every 6-12 months when it’s so much easier and more convenient to just keep in touch online? She knows I hate phones too, and how unpredictable the phones out here can be. We may both make a lot of money, but why pay for minutes or whatever when there is Facebook and email?!?!

But before I could get all that frustrated I read on to see that she was heading up to Mass General for what I guess is testing. I don’t know the details but that’s when I realized she may be too sick to sit up and write with whatever it is she’s got. She also isn’t big on writing which was why I was surprised when she first mentioned wanting to start her own journal, which she also said she wanted to ask me about. I thought that if the problem was in her lungs it would actually be easier to type than to talk, but I guess not. Still… I HATE PHONES! LOL, how did we end up swapping shoes like this? She didn’t exactly hate phones in the past but I myself was once totally into phones. Hell, I lived on the phone.

Andy said he hopes she’s ok as it’d be a shame to lose the enabler, the poodle, and then her in such quick succession. Well, I did think it a bit odd that she’d be doing up wills at her age, and I would think God would want to make sure she wasn’t around to run to if He ever felt the need to get a good laugh out of beating us over the head with money again, but nah. She’ll live. I have confidence that she’ll get whatever’s going on with her taken care of sooner or later.

Anyway, I’ll call her in the morning and then hopefully that will be it for a while and we can take advantage of the ease and convenience of FB. I did notice she hadn’t been around for about a week or so, but I had thought she was just busy.

Also tomorrow, Tom can enjoy his one day off. He can’t wait for the extra time off he’ll have on Thanksgiving and I don’t blame him one bit.

I’m pissed because my period is two days late. Very unusual for me. If I were just a little younger I’d be shitting bricks in another day or two if I still didn’t get it, but it does feel like it’s on the verge of turning itself on. Question is, do I want to work out today?

Jackie S! Please stop telling me on various sites that you want to talk to me. I can only assume it’s about Kim and about forgiving her and being friends with her again. It took some time, but I have forgiven her. However, that doesn’t mean I wish to resume our “friendship.” So with all due respect, I wish you both the best, but please back off. :) There are millions of other fish in the sea. No need to waste time on boring people like me. :)

Got a box of Russell Stover assorted chocolates and OMG! They are SO good. Expensive, but good. Tom hates anything with fruits and nuts in it, so he’s having the truffles. His favorite is vanilla and mine is caramel. I love maple, too.

I gotta work out after I’ve gotten hungry enough to get some real food into me, even though I’m totally not in the mood to. I read and listen to music while I work out and it helps make it go a little faster. I have to work my arms and abs, too. The better shape you get in, the longer you have to work out, so that means I have to throw myself on the floor and do 10 minutes of ab crunching before I really start feeling the burn.

Later…

Took a shower a while ago and ugh! Someone needs to tell that bastard up the hill, NO MORE FUCKING BLEACH, YA HEAR? NO MORE!!! This isn’t Phoenix, Arizona and this isn’t a fucking swimming pool either! Now I have to stink all night long no matter how much perfume I wear or incense I burn. Yes, yes, yes, I am TOTALLY ready for what I DON’T want! I’ll take another old single-wide to have normal tap water, cable Internet, and all those little things we’ve been missing and having to do without for so long, that so many people take for granted.

After we leave then the bastard can overload the water tanks with bleach all he wants. He can even add it to his coffee if he doesn’t already do so. How can his mutts stand to drink this shit? Can’t imagine living here without bottled water.

Old enemies popped into mind while I was taking my bleach shower and I felt myself tense up with that old familiar rage. I realize that whether or not you can forgive someone who has victimized you in whatever way, you can never forget. It’s just never going to be anything I can look back on and shrug nonchalantly and say, “It’s ok. Shit happens to everyone at some point.”

Yeah, shit happens to the best of us, but it’s NOT ok. Never has been, never will be. I know what they did can never be undone. Not even if they gave me a heartfelt apology and handed me a million-dollar check, and not that they’d ever do such a thing. I don’t have to be a mind reader to know that they truly believe in their minds that what they did was ok. In all actuality, though, it was no better than anyone else who does something vengeful out of spite. The only difference is that they “got me” through the law, and sadly, what they did was legal and the part of it that wasn’t legal was covered up and swept under the carpet. Swept so deeply under it that no one can ever do a damn thing about it. Even if someone were willing to reexamine the “evidence,” it’s gone now. I read that all evidence is destroyed in cases after 7 years unless it was used in a violent crime. They may have pictures stored digitally or something like that, but any altered journal excerpts or threatening letters either typed up by them or sent to them by someone else would probably be long gone by now.

Not even months of therapy – that they ironically ordered – could help snuff much of the anger their abuse, railroading, manipulating, and shafting that I experienced on account of them caused. You learn to live with it, but it isn’t always easy. Just like a rape victim never forgets the horrible experience she went through or someone who watched someone be brutally murdered, there are those that play the victim and then there are the true victims. The true victims never forget. The anger, anxiety, and bad memories live on.

It shames and embarrasses me to say so, but I was terrified to try to legally fight them off and expose them for what they’d done once I realized what had transpired, which to their benefit, was too late. They also withheld valuable info that could’ve been a great service to me and a great disservice to them, but there was no way to prove it. So for me, it was a case of A, not being able to prove some things, and B, not being able to get anyone with the power to help me that gave a damn. Especially in a state that favors minorities. No matter how much you insist it was about their actions and not their color, people just don’t want to hear it.

But I find it therapeutic to write about these feelings and experiences even if I’ve already done so a million times, again, ironically recommended by the therapist that THEY caused me to see. What I mean by “they” is everyone who had a hand in screwing me. The “victim” and all the other corruptos within the system. The only ones in the system that felt bad for me were the detention officers I would encounter in jail. I actually miss some of them at times and wonder how they are these days.

After I was vindicated and the “cop” eventually changed professions after what was no doubt God only knows how many complaints, I was terrified of the thought of them coming after me. Clearly, they were obsessed with me, and I knew my vindication had to really piss the hell out of them. They were part of why we left the state. Not just because of what the state did to me, the barbaric laws/sentences, and the treatment of non-minorities, but because I felt like such a sitting duck. So when Tom lost his job and we lost our house, I saw that as an opportunity to escape their radar. I was terrified for a while to even so much as dare write about them in a paper journal that wasn’t online.

Then one day I realized I was letting them win by being afraid to speak my mind, and that I no longer wanted to hide like a coward. I had been their victim long enough and I wasn’t about to let the aftermath of their destruction continue to victimize me from afar. The memories were enough. As long as I wasn’t making any threats or posting any sensitive info, I had every right to express myself online in a blog that was public same as anyone else in the world, and I knew it. I don’t make any attempts to hide. Anyone with the proper know-how and determination could find me. They could be reading this right now, but if they are they would cower in the shadows and not make it obvious, and they would do so not because they were curious as to what I may say about them, but what they could “get” me for.

Now don’t get me wrong. The thought of them coming after me and harming me is still a very real and scary possibility. It’s very unlikely but I don’t rule it out. Instead, I made myself a promise – that if I lived through whatever they did to me I would see to it that they ended up with less than a potty to pee in. THIS time I would fight back and THIS time the system would work in MY favor. They would put an awful lot of money in my pocket while they put themselves in an awful lot of trouble. THIS time I could buy the house of my dreams in nearly every country on the planet while they got to experience a helluva lot more cold showers, bland food, lost sleep, and emotional trauma than I ever did.

I love the idea of being filthy rich, but still… I hope I am never forced to keep that promise. A promise that doesn’t just apply personally to them, but to anyone who may have bad intentions in mind.

Later…

I was reading about this woman who hit some newspaper with a libel suit. She lost, not surprisingly, since most reporters are slick. They print the lies they know can’t be disproven. Sometimes it’s lies they make up on their own for “entertainment” purposes, and other times they take the word of those they’re interviewing that are bullshitting them, checking to make sure that whatever they were told can’t be proven to be the pure bullshit that it is. That’s why I’m not afraid to use first names in my blog, besides the fact that I haven’t found any law yet that says I can’t. If these people can get paid to libel people using their full names, I’m not the least bit worried about stating facts, thoughts, beliefs and opinions on a first-name basis for something I don’t profit from and that’s not threatening or providing one’s sensitive info or anything like that.

Anyway, do I think this woman was slandered and libeled? Probably. It happens quite a bit, unfortunately. I was both stunned and appalled one time when I came across a site several years ago that briefly mentioned those involved in hate crimes.

“How many more people have to die?” screamed the headline in big bold letters.

Then I spotted my name and was like, whoa, wait a minute here! Who the hell died in my case?!?! Also, I was NOT charged with a hate crime. Never have been, never will be. Just thought I’d set the record straight and give you the facts because others are going to print what they want.

I swear, though, some people make their own haters. Yeah, some people will automatically hate people for no reason at all. But sometimes we make our own haters whether we like it or not just with our actions and behavior. Did anyone ever think of that? That sometimes it’s not about where you’re from or what you look like (that was never what it was about for me) but because of the way you act and the way you treat others. So no, I don’t like the people responsible for slandering, libeling, and railroading me in the name of hate and revenge one tiny bit.

But as much as I wish to hell I could undergo a lie detector test and have the results posted on national TV, I really, seriously never did 99% of what I was accused of doing way back when. I swear. I also wish they would make lie detector tests mandatory in most cases because from what I heard they’re pretty damn near impossible to beat.