As much as I’d love a bigger, newer place with cable internet and drinkable tap water, and that doesn’t include the Jes pest and mutts, last night’s dream was another convincing reminder that some things just aren’t meant to be, and if we try to make them be, disaster may strike. Well, maybe not disaster, but enough unpleasant things anyway.

It was weird cuz we went from hotels to renting from Jesse to owning a place we were about to lose.

The dream started in a hotel. We decided to spend the week there and only go to the Jes pest’s place on weekends because gas became so outrageously expensive that we needed to be just a few minutes away from where Tom works. It must’ve been beyond outrageous to be able to afford to rent from the Jes pest AND stay in hotels.

There was a problem with one of the guests in the neighboring room but I was afraid to say anything at first because I didn’t want to come off as a complainer when we’d just got there. I don’t know what the problem but the manager assured me I did the right thing by finally coming forward and she was glad I did cuz it was important that she know about what they were up to.

As I was packing us up to go home for the weekend I wondered if Jesse had been looking for us during the week and wondered what he’d think when he learned we didn’t live there anymore but on weekends. Then I realized that if he really needed to get a hold of us he could just call.

So two seconds later we were back home, but it didn’t look like the Jes pest’s trailer. It was our old home in Maricopa and it was ours. My dream self knew we were about to lose it, too. We had a cat instead of rats, which was weird, cuz if I absolutely had to choose between a dog or a cat, I’d go with a dog since cats claw, jump, climb and shit indoors instead of outdoors.

Tom was on the phone and while I couldn’t hear what he was saying, his tone suggested he was having a serious talk with someone about either work or our fucked up finances.

Next thing I know the roof is made of glass and there are beautiful cherry trees in bloom and forming a canopy over it. I realized this was so because Tom hadn’t had the time or money to keep up on things like tree trimming. But it was beautiful. So beautiful that I went to hunt for the camera to take a picture. However, the light in my little office blew out when I went to flick the switch and then I realized I had to hurry to find it cuz the sun was setting fast. Instead, I broke down in a heap of tears realizing the beauty we would lose once we officially lost and left the house. End of dream.

In other words, don’t try to move cuz things will break, not work, and be lost all over again just like the last two times, right?

Not sure how we could have lost something cheaper than this, but fuck it! Just fuck it. All my life I’ve been trying to escape one place after another and it’s gotten really old. Maybe it’s time to just focus on what is good about this place instead of just what’s bad about it. It’s tiny as hell but no one lives just outside our walls, gabbing and slamming car doors and trunks, even if Jesse’s Harley more than makes up for the distance between us. I hate his mutts, but we don’t have to pay an electric bill. I hate his bulldozer and all his other loud vehicles but he’d let us split the rent if we were having a tough time. I hate how Jesse rudely drops in on us without calling first, but I can blast music here all I want. I hate all the sawing, but no one walks or drives by the place, and we’re about to do something about the shitty Internet connection even if it may cost us a pretty penny and drop our savings right along with my damn teeth.

The question is WHY is something up there trying to delay, stall and stop us from moving??? Does it not want us to own again? Is Tom right in saying it’d be like living in a cemetery, something it doesn’t want me to experience given all the noisy places I’ve been meant to live in for over 20 years? Or would it be noisy without being noisy yet still mess with my sleep, especially when I was on nights? Meaning, would there be tons of car door slamming that would wake me up or maybe landscaping? I wouldn’t have expected to hear ferociously loud sounds like Jesse makes, but you can’t have that many people clustered together, old or not, and not hear things. There wouldn’t have been motorcycles, bulldozers, dogs left outside round the clock or 5-hour basketball games, but there’d have been more sounds more often. The residents and their company would come and go several times a day, people would walk their dogs, and people would be outside gabbing with friends or on the phone or trimming bushes. So cemetery-quiet? Not likely except for at night or on very hot and rainy days.

Later…

“We can’t just go get a place for 5K simply because that’s what we have to spare right now,” Tom reminded me. “It’s very important we take our time and do it right and not settle for something that’s just going to have all kinds of problems, though I understand how frustrating staying on 6 more months to a year is if it does take that much longer.”

Yeah, we should both know, after all. The white/Jew-hating freeloaders in Phoenix taught both my husband and I just how long half a year truly is. Especially if you’re either unhappy or waiting for something. Well, we’re not unhappy, but the waiting sure does get old. Like I said, time to get comfortable and just try to look at the pros of being here. As I also said, God can hate us and not want us to get what we want, but He can’t keep us here forever. So fine. We’ll live like bums for another year, but if we must do so, it sure as hell won’t be to go to another dump in the end. No, if we’re going to be stuck here another year, it’s going to be for something nice and I mean nice. Yes, we will compensate ourselves with that much. :) I just HATE the thought of staying here another year, but I’m not gonna deny the fact that the thought of going from one dump to another did not sit well with me at all. Even a “classier” dump would’ve sucked all our money dry as we had to fix and replace things. So we’re going to make sure we have a place that’s newer, bigger, built like a real house (even though it won’t be on concrete), and that is something we can live comfortably in for a decade or more should we decide to live there forever. I want something I can be proud of, not embarrassed by or that’s going to make me feel like that’s all whatever’s up there feels we deserve. In fact, we agreed to refuse to take a place that doesn’t even have a dishwasher, but if it doesn’t, there must be space to install one as soon as we get in.

They dropped my parents’ condo down 5K. I already know it’s eventually going to wind up in foreclosure and that I’m not going to get shit so I’m not sweating it. If God had no problem with me being abused and then with not allowing my perps to be properly punished, why would He allow me to get any money from them in the end? I’m a little concerned He might have Tom laid off before we get out of here, but if worse came to worse we could jump into another tiny old single-wide for just a few grand and there’s no way we could end up in the same disaster we were in a year ago. So worst God could do is “guide” us into another piece of shit. But it’d still be ours and much cheaper than this.

I wish I could at least know the date of our move! Even if I couldn’t see where we were going, when will it happen? When???

Anyway, one of the things we’re going to do to make this place a little more livable is to get a hotspot. Don’t know if it’ll work out here or if it’ll be fast enough, but if it is, I’m going to return to sweeping. I’ll use its bandwidth for sweeping, then use our regular shit provider for other things, assuming it’s connected. Rather than get the expensive phones we’ll just get one new cell, so it’ll be $75 a month and not over $100. If we can’t use the hotspot while we’re still here, it’ll be the usual $25 a month for our slow, part-time service.

With the exception of Tom’s sore muscles from working on the car the previous day, yesterday was fun. We went to Raley’s and although it was just a simple weekly grocery trip, it was fun picking out the usual things besides some new and different things to try for variety. Glade’s Walnut Mocha air freshener smells like heaven. Airwick’s Sugar Cookie is nice, too. At one point we were in the ice cream section and just as I was telling Tom it was too cold for ice cream, the store went completely black. Then the emergency lights came on. A few minutes later the power came back on entirely. It was weird. I’ve never been in a grocery store during a power failure.

I even got some fun stuff like some shiny stickers of curly ribbons and squares in various colors and decorated the bottom of my monitor and the dresser with them.

Online I ordered a 3-pack of Turbie Twist towels for $14 since the elastic loop on mine broke a long time ago and I decided that rather than keep trying to replace it with hair elastics, I may as well turn it into a rat bed and get new ones. I’d had that one for nearly a decade anyway, and while we may not live like it at the moment, we do have lots of money.

My allergies have been much better but I can’t say if it’s due to the nasal spray or the time of year. Allergies aren’t typically a problem at this time of year, so I guess the real test will be next summer.

I have 9 more days till my bridge is put in and am going to set the alarm one hour later each day even if I get up before the alarm goes off. That way when I need extra sleep I can take it but still make it to my appointment easily enough. As long as I’m up by noon on the 4th I’ll be ok. Not that it’s possible unless they come out with a cure for my sleep disorder, but with my shit luck if I can ever keep a schedule it won’t be till I’m too old to get an outside job. Oh well. Better later than never.

Tom had to replace the laptop’s mouse cuz it kept double-clicking.

We’re back to thinking we might go to Hawaii instead of Mexico. That way we don’t have to worry about getting him a new passport and dealing with customs and all that. That can be a real pain in the ass and it kind of makes you feel like a kid all over again the way they go through your stuff.

We’re wondering if Julien’s going to make it. He’s having a lot of trouble breathing.