Today I feel a million times better! Yesterday I was so damn rundown and hungry. I couldn’t even work out. All I could do was eat and sleep and eat and sleep. Telling myself not to give in to the hunger was like telling myself not to breathe. Like it or not I need to nearly double my calories before periods. I think most women do. Yes, I have gained back most of the weight I’ve lost, and no, I’m never going to lose a significant amount. But that’s ok. Now I have a diet that will allow me to lose my post-period weight gain easily enough and I no longer have to wonder each month how the hell I’m going to lose it. If I could lose 10 pounds a month I could eventually lose a lot of weight, but I could never lose that much that fast even when I was young. It is still nice to know that I have a whole 3 weeks to lose the 4 pounds I gained over the last few days. It’s sad that it takes a few weeks to lose what I can gain in a few days, but that’s life as a short older woman. It is better than gaining an indefinite amount throughout my life.

Tom is still being overworked, we’re still many months away from moving, and I still have a million health-related appointments to catch up on but life is otherwise going well. We are happy, healthy, and raking in serious dough. I just wish the rest of my parents’ shit would sell and all my appointments could be done and over with so we could know exactly how much we’ve got in savings. This will determine what kind of house we buy. We know it’s going to need some work, but even if it didn’t we’ll still want to furnish and decorate it to our tastes and it would be nice to know what we’ll need up front. I’m guessing the bulk of it will cost 15K–20K, but after that, we’ll be saving like crazy cuz our monthly expenses should be cheaper than they are here.

It’s my blog so I will write what I want. However, I will omit certain names. Well, a certain someone who I pissed off yesterday during my foul mood has taken it a bit harder than I expected. Oh, I have no hard feelings toward her or anything like that but I thought her reaction was a bit extreme when I saw she blocked me on FB and then called me a bitch on Ask. I thought to myself, if my apology (and I do admit it was rude and uncalled for to mention her name) wasn’t enough for her, then I don’t know what else I could possibly do. But then she sent an email saying she understood we all get angry at times and is more into keeping in touch through postal mail anyway, and wished me the best. So I wished her the best in return and am glad to see she won’t be going Kim on me after all. She does seem too sane and smart to be a stalking troll anyway, LOL.

Speaking of Kim and company, I did a little “test.” I left an anonymous comment from Jackie on my MO blog asking if I got her message on Ask. Just curious to see if they’re reading that particular blog, cuz if they are, I’ll hear about this comment.

Later…

So I get a message from Rebecca R. At first I thought it was Lindsay in Portland, Or. Anyway, she lives in Yorba Linda, CA and before I even got through the first few sentences I was roaring with laughter. I sent her a reply via egreetings (with her street address) because I obviously didn’t want this nutjob getting my email address.

Anyway, here’s what she had to say tonight:

“I wasn’t going to bother emailing you, but since I’ve read a ton of your entries I just have to. First, you blame everyone for your hardships, parents, ex friends, god, whomever… yet never yourself! Grow up. Stop casting spells and hoping to win the lottery as a way of life and GET A JOB! This “I can’t work, because my schedules off” is absurd!! All these suicide banters, I’m sure are nothing more than sympathy cries in hope that some suckers online will send you a few bucks. Pathetic. I never wish to see anyone struggle or fail, but I have to admit I cheered when I read your parents left you nothing. This is because they did help you and you never saw any of the good they did. You act as if they OWE you…good lord girl!! They owed you nothing. Prank calling in your twenties? OMG.. I can’t even go there.The worst for me, the living in motels for hundreds of dollars to have maid service?? Unreal. What the hell is wrong with an apartment? (for half the price). Oh, I know you will have some excuse for that too. I’ve actually showed people in a class I’m taking, some printed copies of your journal and everyone agrees, you are seriously messed up. Finding shortcuts, scheming through life, betting on the horses and all this stupid shit you do is classic. You are a total psychopath in the truest sense. You have no pride. No moral fiber. I am embarrassed for you when I read your entries. Disgusting reading.”

LOL, so “disgusting” that she read that many entries? AND she took the time to print some out for her classmates? LOL, that is too funny. And where did I say I didn’t have a job simply because I don’t work outside of the house? Oh, and we’d have loved an apartment over a motel, but Rebecca’s right. I have an excuse for that too, for obviously, the sick twist didn’t read enough to know that our credit wouldn’t have made that very easy. And I hated the maid service. I prefer to do my own cleaning so that it’s done MY way.

If I only blame others, then why did I take responsibility for the friend I lost yesterday? That was my fault and my fault only, but shame on me for not blaming the rest of the world, too!

Oh yes, and I really expected total strangers to just up and send me a few bucks back when we were broke. Sure, no problem. Everyone reads diaries about money woes and sends their authors a few bucks, right? After all, they all owe me that much for stubbing my toe in 1987.

LOL, we haven’t bet on horses in years, but fuck me for considering shortcuts, lotteries and sweepstakes. That is the ultimate sin, right folks?

As for insisting my parents have helped me, I didn’t say they didn’t. I said they could’ve helped a lot more instead of selfishly considering themselves first and foremost.

“I never wish to see anyone struggle or fail” ~ Are you sure about that? Your writing indicates to me that you are the type who takes great pleasure in seeing others suffer. If my mother could return from the dead and kill me would you “cheer” that, too? I think you would. And from what I’ve learned recently my parents are going to be leaving me something. It just may not be much.

Do send more “feedback” dear Rebecca or Lindsay or whoever you are for sure. Anyone with no pride or moral fiber needs all the sympathy you can drum up for them. Oh, and feel free to pass on a few bucks too, along the way;)

Tata!

Later…

This entry is in regard to Rebecca in Cali, Lindsay in Oregon, and anyone else who may feel the need to critique, criticize, and judge me or any aspect of my life. In my last post on MD, I included the message I got from a woman all about how embarrassed she is for my “disgusting reading” and all the reasons why. The person who, despite claiming I disgust her, felt compelled to read much of my journal and even print out copies for her little classmates.

As I’ve said before, you can have your opinions, thoughts and beliefs, but don’t think for a minute that I’m going to change my life or way of living to conform to every single cuckoo birdie that visits my journal. YOU come to ME. I don’t go to you and cram my writing, thus my life, thoughts and beliefs, down your throat. No one has to read anything I write, and I am not breaking any laws simply because I may say something you don’t agree with or want to hear. You have to learn to accept the fact that when you visit one’s blog, you may not like what you read. That’s ok. It’s not ok, however, to think you can change me simply with your own beliefs.

I could write that I was a mother of 3 who had a full-time job outside of the house and that I blamed myself for everything that happened to me, and someone, somewhere, would have a problem with that, too. Instead of being bashed for supposedly not working (though having a home job I’m not at liberty to discuss does NOT mean I’m not working), I would be ridiculed for not spending more time at home with my kids. Instead of being criticized for blaming God and my abusers, I would be told I shoulder too much of the blame and should consider sharing it a bit. Instead of being called a liar or an “excuse queen” for having a sleep disorder, I would be called the same thing if I wrote that I was in a wheelchair for something.

My point? I know no one can please everybody no matter what they write about. I know no one’s going to agree with every single topic under the sun be it a hobby, job, food, color, location, opinion or belief.

Some guy wrote at another site that we need to enforce the death penalty more often because then such heinous crimes would rarely happen. I disagree. Oh, we should enforce the death penalty, alright. I totally believe in killing killers who don’t kill in self-defense. But I totally disagree that it would deter crime. These people not only don’t usually think or realize they’re doing anything wrong, but they don’t plan on being caught either. Yet I simply allowed myself to disagree with his statement. I didn’t feel the need to bash, condemn or tell him he was wrong, pathetic or whatever simply because he believes something I don’t.

So to those of you who feel the need to bash me or to try to “get” me for speaking my mind, why don’t you ask yourself what your own problem is? Perhaps you’re just a very miserable person, unhappy with your own life and so you feel the need to pick on others. Maybe it makes you feel better to do so. Or maybe you read my journal not so much because you’re interested in anything I have to say but because you wonder if I will mention you. Perhaps you have a guilty conscience and fear some kind of exposure. Something that will let the world really know who you truly are. While I still welcome all and any feedback, think about that the next time you feel entitled to sit in judgment of me. :)

Later…

No more hate mail for me? No one else out there wants to tell me that THEIR way is correct and mine is wrong and just not acceptable? Wow, just wow.

shakes head and laughs I still can’t believe there are people in this world who will read about someone’s life and then take it so damn personally. Like it’s a major offense to them personally.

But like it or not, I DO blame my abusers for abusing me even though I am not a perfect person and I never will be. I DO blame God for letting the abuse happen, too.

Just because you may not have heard of or understand http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-24-hour_sleep-wake_disorder doesn’t make what I’ve got any less real or difficult to live with.

Also, just because I work at home and do stuff I’m not allowed to discuss does not mean I am jobless, lazy, sitting around daydreaming or trying to hide anything.

I’m not ashamed to admit that my life has been so rough at times that I’ve actually wanted to die and not all of it was because of money.

Yes, I really did make prank phone calls into my 20s, and although it was wrong and illegal, it isn’t as uncommon as one might think.

As far as other “stupid shit” I do that makes me a “psychopath in the truest sense,” no one in their right mind is going to pass it up if they suddenly won a lot of money.

So… let’s read YOUR blog and all about your perfect, correct and acceptable way of living. I’d LOVE to be shown the RIGHT way. :)