I’m sure some people will get a kick out of this, but I’m kinda pissed at myself right now cuz yesterday’s hunger got so annoyingly intense that I couldn’t even concentrate on what I was doing so I fucked up big time. The little things I ate to try to kill the hunger just weren’t cutting it and I had to have an additional meal. I ate till my tummy hurt, and I’m up a pound.

Looking back on the last few weeks it’s clear that I’ve been around the same weight ever since and that I’m not going to lose much more without cutting out more food. But of course that would mean more hunger and more fatigue. Maybe I will just try to stay where I’m at. Anything is better than gaining hundreds and hundreds of pounds, and that’s exactly what would’ve happened had I kept eating whatever, whenever, even if I’d continued to work out.

But Jesse sure will continue to annoy me from hundreds of feet away. I didn’t hear the motorcycle, but in the two hours I’ve been up I’ve heard the truck and a few thumps and bangs that sounded almost like someone closing a car door right outside the place. I stepped outside to see if I could get a sense of what was going on. I heard voices for a second, but couldn’t tell if they were really coming from up at his place. I heard another loud vehicle earlier that beeps when it backs up, but I don’t think that was at his place. It’s just about dark now, so as long as he stays in for the night, all should be peaceful for the rest of my day and I can enjoy another movie tonight in peace so long as the connection holds.

Phillip posted a hello to my wall saying he rarely checks in but hopes I’m doing well. His message, like several others I’ve sent, appears unread. Really getting sick of messages not going through on Facebook and I don’t understand why this glitch hasn’t been fixed yet. The only good in messages not always going through is that now his mother and sister won’t get the message I sent telling them off. Although Phillip may agree with what I had to say to them, he still might not appreciate it. Just how many messages have been sent to me that I haven’t gotten???

I just wish some people wouldn’t send me half a dozen messages every single day. I don’t know why that annoys me so, but it just does. Rather than say anything about it to Renate or anyone else I just back off and wait a while before responding to them all. I do that anyway even with those I don’t hear from as much if I’m either busy or just not in the mood to be sociable at the time. As long as I can get online I’m usually pretty consistent with picking up questions, comments, and messages, but I don’t always reply right away. But after this entry, I’ll go respond to my 2 questions, 2 comments, 3 messages, and 5 emails which, by the time this gets proofread and posted, could have doubled.

Norma and Judy have resumed their friendship for the first time since the 70s. Andy said that even Norma remembers the mystery painting that’s supposed to be old and valuable. After 40 years one of the first things they talk about is this painting? LOL Anyway, maybe I’d remember it if I saw it, but whatever it is has obviously long since been sold off. They probably didn’t even get half of what it was worth either. If there’s anything we’ve learned from our own selling experiences, it’s that people don’t care if you have something valuable to sell. Everyone wants a deal. People are greedy and selfish and you have to either take what they’re willing to pay or not sell it at all.

Andy thinks the painting might’ve been from the 1600s and something my dad found in someone’s basement when he was exterminating. He got to keep it and then I guess later found out it was worth a lot of money. It might’ve been of a mother and daughter and hung in Nana’s place till she and Pa died.

Later…

Right now I could kick myself for a lot more than just straying from my diet, but for my big mouth as well. Sometimes when I’m PMSing you wouldn’t know it. Other times I’m a flat-out bitch and everything – even the dumbest, littlest of things – irritates the hell out of me. It’s a piss-poor excuse but it seemed that everyone was coming at me at once with all kinds of things and I felt a little overwhelmed because I was already in a crabby mood. Well, thanks to my big mouth and rudely mentioning someone’s name in my last post, which I shouldn’t have done and have since removed, it seems I have lost a good friend. A good friend who didn’t do anything wrong but was kind and very helpful to me. I deserve to be dumped, though, if that’s what’s happened and I’m guessing it has. That was totally uncalled for as I told her when I sent her an apology.

I am still, however, determined to find a postcard somewhere in this damn town like I said I would. Tom’s so sure we’ll find some at the welcome center, but when you work 6 days a week, 5 of them being for 12 hours, you have very little free time.

Like I said, lousy excuse or not, everything is pissing me off right now. My health expenses costing us and slowing us down, the move seemingly so far into the future it may as well never happen, the constant hunger that I just can’t seem to get rid of. Just what the hell is my body doing at this time of month that it needs to eat twice as much food???

I feel bad about the friend I have lost due to my big mouth, but I also realize that I, just like anyone else in this world, am far from perfect. Sometimes I say shit I shouldn’t be saying. The lesson learned: Keep your mouth shut in your public journal. People really do read the fucking thing. She almost never reads it, though, so of all the times she reads it she just had to see that entry.

On the other hand, is it really wrong to say how you feel as long as you do it in a reasonable way? Yeah, I still feel bad about offending her, but at least she may back off now and give me the space I want… until someone else comes at me a dozen times a day.