Talked with Andy this morning about the dream I had where he killed himself. He’s still plagued with nightmares and wonders if a certain nasty group of people (that makes another group not seem nearly as nasty even though they’re plenty bad enough with the shit they do AND get away with) put a curse on him simply for stating his opinions and beliefs. At least it’s in his nightmares and not his real life. Hope it stays that way! He too, suffered many years and deserves the good things that have come his way.

We were talking about suicide and he said he’d never act out such rage on himself or someone else. That’s easy to say until desperation hits. When the government cuts your unemployment checks while you’re still jobless and you know you could never make it on the streets, these things you swore you’d never consider start popping into mind. Same with those who swore they’d never harm another person. Could a mother whose daughter was just raped and killed keep that word if she were suddenly alone with the killer?

Although I certainly don’t expect to ever be in such predicaments, I know I would rather kill myself quickly and painlessly if my only other choices were life in prison, or to be tortured, to die in a fire or some horrible thing like that. I don’t think suicide is merely about rage, but about desperation as well. The natural urge to protect ourselves from things that are too painful or that we can’t handle.

Well, I’m glad Tom got his job when he did cuz life on the streets would have been no life for us. He might’ve lasted a while, but I wouldn’t have gotten very far for very long. I hope to hell we’re never half as miserable as we once were and that no one ever forces me to harm them in the name of self-defense. Who wouldn’t if they were attacked?

Although they weren’t always sweethearts, this year alone I lost my dad, then my mom, and now my sister and a dear friend are very ill. Yeah, I just learned that someone I once loved – and still do for that matter – has MTHFR Mutation and an extra heartbeat. It’s Marie, the Italian hottie that says she still loves it when I tell her to fuck off, LOL. Yeah, she holds the record for being the only one who truly “loves my fire” as she puts it. I will always have a special place for her in my heart as nutty as she can be at times. Nutty or not, she’s so sweet. There isn’t much she wouldn’t do for a friend.