It was summertime in last night’s dream where I was walking somewhere along the countryside with some unknown young girl. She was quick to point out God’s love in the beauty of the nature around us from the stark green hills to the colorful wildflowers.

“Why do you only see half a picture?” I asked her.

“What do you mean?” she asked me curiously.

“You see His love, but you don’t see His hate. Why is that?” Still not getting my point, I explained, “Wildfires, murder, rape, diseases, natural disasters… why do you not see the big picture and see God’s evil side as well as his good side? We as humans have both good and evil in us. Think God’s any different?”

She thought about it a moment and said, “I suppose not. I guess I saw only what I wanted to see.”

I awoke telling her that sometimes I wished I could see only the good in things too, even if I’d be kidding myself by blinding myself to the evil in the world. It’s true, though. He made the beauty in that vibrantly colored flower you may’ve seen out there today, but He also made that tsunami that killed thousands of innocent people. Yet so many people are quick to refer to Him as “good” and “loving” when He’s just as evil and hateful. I don’t get this at all but to each their own. If evil is too scary to face and accept, then maybe you shouldn’t.

If I see one more “praise daddy” post from Sarah I think I’ll scream. Okay, so I know she has every right to love her dad and to post what she wants, and I know it’s nothing personal or anything like that, but it still gets to me. Like a woman doesn’t want to see her rapist praised, it bothers me to see this abusive guy who had a hand in ruining my life for years get any praise of his own. I don’t resent him nearly as much as I do those who directly had a hand in legally screwing me, but still, the resentment is deep enough and strong enough to know I could never sit tight and just smile politely for the sake of others if I were suddenly there and he walked in the room. Like it or not – and I know some people don’t want to hear this – I would end up in jail in no time. Meanwhile, this is still my journal and I have a right to my own feelings as well. People expect me to consider their feelings, but what about mine? Don’t mine count for anything as well? Again, just like others have a right to post what they want, I have a right to vent in my own journal and will gladly do so, so if anyone out there has a problem with it, you may want to not read it. Just like I can ignore people’s posts, they can ignore my journal.

Woke up tired and could’ve slept another hour or two. I hit the snooze button 3 times before I finally dragged my ass out of bed. I should’ve pushed my schedule ahead instead of holding it back. And why isn’t 8 hours enough for me these days? Wish I could know I’d crash earlier to make up for it, but that’s not usually something I can do, tired or not. The next week is going to be exhausting and I hate to go to the eye doctor with tired eyes, but it’s a little late to push ahead now.

I’m surprised Kim hasn’t left any comments on my blogs.