Forget thoughts of letters or verbal words about how much Jesse annoys and even pisses me off at times! What I wanted to do to him at 5:00 this morning had nothing to do with words, written or oral!

I didn’t crash till around 3:30 and when the stench of bleach woke me up less than two hours later when Tom hit the shower, I was anything but pleased. It took me an hour to fall back asleep. I had to take a Benadryl to help relax me and calm the itching of my hives. They’ve faded quite a bit but still itch at times.

When I got up I called Jesse but got no answer. It seems he once did say that Mondays weren’t good for him. I’ll get ahold of him soon enough and demand that he back off the shit. It’s way too much. It stinks and stings my eyes, too. I just hope he doesn’t go waking me up between now and my Thursday appointment. Then again, I probably won’t sleep well on Friday either because it’ll be getting up to 66° and you know trailers get hot as easily as they get cold. So I’ll have to get up to play fan and window in the middle of my sleep.

I thought how neat it would be if I could post every single entry I wrote on a particular date and have all my old journals posted in a month, but that would be way too much work proofreading-wise. Besides, it took me an hour and a half just to post the 70 or so entries I posted last night, and that was after they’d been screened. I fell a few months short, though, but if I do them before midnight, I will have every entry made on the 11th of every month that I wrote between the years 1987-2013.

Exchanged a few messages with my niece Jennifer which was very nice. She writes very well and has made quite a life for herself and her son. At first I was bothered by the idea of my nieces getting a total percentage of money higher than my own, but now I’m like eh, enjoy it.

Later…

Strange how I never got a call back from Jesse. Last I knew, even though he’s too lazy and stupid to set up voice messaging, he can at least see who’s calling him, so my number should’ve appeared on his phone. It has before, and he then returns the call when he can. Maybe the influencer’s anger got him into another accident after all. Still, I don’t like not being called back. What if we had an emergency? He better not come down here and wake me up before my alarm goes off tomorrow either!

Tom said he didn’t think the water smelled that bleachy at all, but my nose has always been sharper than his. Being born half deaf makes your other senses stronger, and with the exception of my eyes nowadays, my sense of smell, taste and touch is very keen.

Molly’s paranoia has caused her to lash out at Alison on Facebook where she could’ve sworn she had her blocked. Well, it’s not just about paranoia; it’s about hoping to pick a fight and get the negative reaction she craves. She said she “knew” that either she or myself were the ones harassing her on her blog. Aly, like me, doesn’t care what she thinks and refuses to give her the attention she wants. She doesn’t need to defend herself anyway. Like me, we know who it is. It’s Kim and other people at the group home Molly lives in. Molly would know this too, if she’d just install tracking on her blog, which she’s gone and deleted like she always does after a handful of entries, although Kim would probably disable cookies or use a proxy.

This entry will not be made public because I too, don’t want to give Molly the satisfaction of reading about herself here, and because I’m going to discuss Jen in more detail. She seems like she’s turned out to be a very smart, articulate and goal-oriented woman who knows what she wants and does all she can to achieve it. She works hard to support herself and her son, Dante, with her nursing career.

I was a little sad to hear she was pregnant at just 16 as I have always been big on being anti-teen pregnancy. Even our 20s is kind of young, and well, after seeing so many people have kids that are either too young or too fucked up or both, I just hate to see people throw their lives away and end them when they’re still kids themselves. Waste of youth, waste of life, as I always did say. But Sandy and my brother would have been the type to allow her to have the child whereas my own parents would have forced me to abort or adopt it out if I was too late for an abortion. As hurt as I may’ve been, that would have been one of the few cases where my parents would have been right to make me give the kid up so I could go on living, finish my childhood, and then become an adult and make my own decisions. Not that all adults necessarily get to make their own decisions at times as opposed to fate. I believe, however, that Jen is a good, loving, caring and devoted mother. Larry may’ve been absent a lot and an insensitive hypocrite, but he and Sandy were nothing like my parents or sister, and so Jen would’ve turned out okay and had better examples set for her. If my other 3 nieces ever have kids then I might be a little worried, even if they waited till they were 40.

We discussed our feelings about Larry and my parents and Jen understands and also has her own share of mixed emotions. She said she feels terrible for the abuse my siblings and I went through and hopes that we can find peace amongst the scars we bear. I think that while I will always be angry and never forgive those that have abused me, I have healed and risen above their shit. Why? Cuz that’s all one can do in my case. Doesn’t mean I won’t always have bad memories, it just means I’ve moved on and accepted that what happened can never be changed.

For a while, I couldn’t stand to look at my parents’ pictures. But now I can look at them and know they’re just a cruel, nasty memory and nothing more. God can still hate me and God can still send others to harm me, but it can never be those two. Those two can never ever hurt me again. For now, all I can do is hope that if I don’t learn any more answers in this life, I’ll learn them in the next if there is one. Unless all the events in my life were random (Tom thinks they were cuz everyone’s lives are different with no set pattern or sense of logic/order) I hope God will one day tell me why He has hated me for so much of my life.

Although she first told me she never asked for or received anything, Jen did admit that Larry was adamant about her having some old table for sentimental reasons, which is fine with me. I could care less about material things. She also got some pictures, too. What was kind of surprising was that she didn’t know about Walter or that she was to be getting any money. She said she hoped I wouldn’t take it wrong and admits she was no granddaughter to them any more than they were grandparents to her being so far away for most of her life, but that if that’s what they willed, then the money is rightfully hers. She’s right, I told her, it is. I told her it pissed me off at first, but now I am just grateful for my share since we are trying to buy a house, after all.

Although she doesn’t agree with all her father’s decisions, her heart aches for the loss of him, and he was the only male figure in her son’s life, too. You know how most guys are - don’t want anything to do with their own kid, don’t want a woman who already has a kid. Too bad too, as Jen is a tall, slim and lovely young woman with a good heart and no doubt much to offer.

As I told her, I understand her concerns with what I may say about the family in my journal and that is something I always considered when deciding to go public with it. I compromised with myself on that one. I don’t hold back if I’m upset about something or someone since that’s what a journal is for, and I don’t hesitate to share my beliefs, opinions, experiences and feelings, but I don’t use full names. No sensitive info whatsoever. No physical addresses, email addresses, phone numbers, full names, etc. I also am sure to point out when I’m not 100% sure of something and will make sure I state that it’s just something I may’ve heard, or just a theory of mine, but not a known fact. I also take into consideration different people’s individual preferences. I have friends who don’t care what I say about them, personal or not, and then I have friends who wouldn’t even want it known if they shoveled snow from their driveway. I make my best judgment based on content and who may be involved in that content.

Everyone handles their blogs differently. I personally think one’s sex life should be private, not because it’s wrong or dirty, but because everyone should have at least some secrets and privacy in their lives. To me, sex is a special thing between the people involved and those involved only, but again, that’s just me. Let people wonder about that, I say, though I understand that it is automatically assumed that if you’re not discussing sex with someone, somewhere, then you must be celibate. Well, I’ll admit that I don’t have sex that often with my husband, but there’s no need to discuss what we do when we do get together. Same with if I ever meet other women for sex. I don’t have a problem with admitting I may be having sex with whoever, but you’ll just have to wonder and guess as far as details go. :) I don’t mind hearing about other’s sex lives (though I can think of more interesting things to listen to), but mine will always be a mystery left to the imagination of others.