Brain fog still muddles my thoughts and so I’m not sure if I wrote about this or not, but I met the guy who ordered those sex pills from Thailand that I stupidly accepted and then dumped when I couldn’t find who they belonged to. It was a slender black guy who seemed a little too young to be living here or to have problems getting it up. Either way, he came to the back door once he learned we were the ones who signed for it. I told him I returned the package to Thailand, even though, as I said, I ended up dumping the thing. In fact, his hard-on was just inches away in the trash bin nearby. 

Tom and I had just been talking about how there always seems to be some long-term drama or another going on in our lives and how I was determined to enjoy the good times but dreaded what drama might be next. First it was the freeloaders, then it was poverty, and then my health issues. My first thought was, oh no! I’m going to be in for legal problems again because I was stupid enough to accept something that wasn’t in my name, something I will never do again. I vowed not to answer any court calls that may appear in the mail or at the door, but then I realized that no one can prove that I didn’t in fact send it back to Thailand. Still, I had an anxious moment there. Not like I did when the freeloaders tried to suck me back into their legal clutches four years ago, but a slight uh-oh moment. 

I’ve proven to myself that I can now make sure my schedule only jumps 1 hour a day and no more. Just 60 minutes. Just 60 lousy minutes away from holding it! I doubt I can, but once I’m getting up at 7am, I’m going to try. Tonight I’ll be getting up at 2am. Oh, to be able to sleep from 11pm to 7am every single day, even if it meant rarely being up during the most peaceful hours. Having those wee hours of the night simply not exist for me as they don’t for millions of others worldwide would be heaven. I still doubt it’ll happen any more than losing weight ever will, but I gotta try every now and then. 

Pain, pain, pain. Every single day. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m going to the dentist in a week, I would be making an appointment to find out why the damn tooth is still irritating me. 

I got my promotion code for the Pandora One pass I won, and I can’t say I’m very impressed. Song skipping is limited, and you can’t save songs to play whenever you want to play them. But I can do all this on Amazon Prime. 

At the break of dawn, I went on a chilly walk for 28 minutes. I only ran a little part of it. But the point is that it’s the first time I ventured out that far alone since my medical issues have been resolved and had no problem at all. I KNEW my anxiety and wild HR were medically induced. I KNEW it. I know what’s normal for me. Never have I been terrified of nothing at all, and while I do have a rapid HR, it doesn’t usually feel like it’s going to explode. 

No workers at Jackie’s today. In fact, it’s been an overall quiet and uneventful day so far.

I think it’s pretty pathetic that this black chick had to go off on this white dude for wearing dreadlocks and “stealing” her culture in the video that was trending yesterday on Facebook. I swear there are more black racists these days than whites, but I know, I know. I’m supposed to be politically correct and not point that out because, well, I’m white, of course. 

Racists (of any color) aren’t the point of this entry, though. The point is realizing how important it is that I move on and how much nicer it is not to have to live with the negative aspects of past friendships. 

I know at first that I felt totally responsible for the loss of my friendship with Aly and wondered if I shouldn’t have just kept my opinions to myself and been there for her more often. 

But you know what? I WAS there for her and I really don’t think I should feel guilty for my honesty. I was concerned and just trying to look out for her. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s true that I have become a bit too critical and judgmental with age and that I need to be more accepting and tolerant. Just not overly forgiving, though. Despite not being perfect myself, I realize there’s no point in rolling my eyes and condemning those who believe in God and other things I perceive as just fantasies and wishful thinking. If people aren’t hurting anybody, then to each their own, right? 

The more time I’ve had to reflect on Aly’s dumping me, the more I realize that I truly am better off without her and that to reconnect with her, Andy, Paula or even Nane in the future would be taking a step backward in life. I don’t want to do that. The guilt trips Aly would put on me for not texting with her more often, her constant baggage, her throwing our friendship away as if it meant absolutely nothing… none of that will be missed. Just her close connection to Kim could be stressful enough, as I would really have to watch what I said and did. Aly was just way too sensitive. And a hypocrite. 

I wish those from my past the very best, but that’s it. They’re in my past to stay and I don’t see myself changing my mind anytime soon, if ever. 

Went walking/jogging this morning for 26 minutes. His HR peaked at 104 and mine at 146, though it didn’t feel like mine got that high.

We’re having another unusually cold spell and I’m not sure I really want to walk in the 40° weather to the clubhouse for this morning’s workout. I would still rather be too warm than too cold. 

I had a dream Tom was raised to $18 an hour. When I told him about it when he got up, he said that wasn’t possible. Someday, yes, but not this year. Well, hopefully soon enough we’ll find out if he’s even getting a raise for sure. 

The second dream was the usual negativity filled with nig-induced legal woes from hell. 

Tom took me out for a nice dinner somewhere before going to court, not something I would voluntarily do unless I was the plaintiff. Then it seemed like we were going down a street we used to live on. A part of it was really steep and I thought of how scary it might be to ride my bike down. But as quick as that part of the dream began, it ended and I was in jail. 

The girl was walking me through a large dorm. I don’t know if this girl was an inmate or someone who volunteered or worked at the jail, but it seemed like her job was to get me situated there. We walked past rows of twin-size cots with tiny shelves or dressers between them. I saw radios and other torturous instruments that would no doubt keep me awake or at least annoy the fuck out of me when I was awake. 

I guess I was charged with two things but I hadn’t been sentenced yet. I’m not sure what the first charge was, but the second one was racially motivated and I was horrified at the thought of having to spend about a year in jail waiting to be sentenced, and then another year, as the girl suggested I might have to if I was convicted. 

She spoke with much contempt in her voice, particularly when she discussed the charge that had to do with race. 

Later… 

I arrived at the clubhouse 5 minutes late and left early. I overheated and my HR soared and pounded, though I never got scared or panicked in any way. They just keep it WAY too warm in there. Also, they’re really nice ladies but I’m getting sick of the same old shitty music. Shirley said Janice, who was my favorite there, left and I might, too. Yoga, aerobics… that just isn’t me. I prefer to keep it simple. No counting. No routines. Just lift weights or throw on my sneaks and hit the road with the music of MY choice. Seriously if I hear Blueberry Hill one more time I’ll scream! 

I think I have enough variety in walking, running and bike riding. Plus I have the Bowflex. I’m always going to be 30 pounds overweight no matter what I do, so none of this is doing me any good in any way other than to keep me healthier, and stronger, and give me more stamina. I have joint issues if I’m too inactive. Despite being flexible for my age, it’s sad how much mobility I have lost due to being heavy and aging. 

But dead thyroids don’t come back to life, genetics don’t change, and people don’t get any younger. So as they say, I just have to change what I can and accept what I can’t. 

Unless it’s too hot, cold or raining, I’m not a big fan of working out indoors. I like to be out in the fresh air. 

I was cleaning the master bathroom earlier and I pushed a little too hard and got the toilet brush stuck in the toilet. Yes, only I would do something like that. I didn’t think I was going to be able to get it out on my own at first, but with a little maneuvering, I lodged it free. 

Note to self: Don’t ever do anything so idiotic again, ok? 

I put the central fan on and opened the bedroom window to push out some of the chemical smells from the household cleaners I used, and then I brought the diffuser in there afterward. So now vintage roses are wafting throughout the master bath and bedroom.

My teeth still hurt and my solar keyboard needs to do some sunbathing till the tape lights arrive that we plan to install under our desks facing down upon the keyboards. 

I slept shitty once again in that I woke up a lot, but I don’t feel as tired as I was yesterday because I slept on and off for 9 hours instead of 8 or less. 

Did a ton of shopping at Walmart and on Amazon. A lot of it was stuff that was needed. I’m going to try another nail fungus killer on the 3 toes that are infected and see if this one will do the trick. If not I’ll just live with it since it’s harmless. It’s just that it’d make the nail smoother and thinner thus easier to cut and polish if I could get rid of the fungus. 

I also got some more essential oils so I have a better variety, new bath gloves, a couple of coloring books I didn’t need, and Herbal Essence shampoo. Sorry, but I just can’t get into the TRESemme craze. The stuff just feels heavy and doesn’t lather very well at all. 

I also got a hot pink thong, two pairs of sweatpants (pink and black), and 3 pairs of shorts (pink, gray, black). 

Besides the strip lights, we ordered that window mural I mentioned before on Amazon, plus I got my favorite popcorn (they never have the quantity I prefer at the store), plus 5 more animal figures. About a dozen more and I’ll consider my collection of miniature animals and fairies complete! My snakes and hermit crab aren’t exactly “miniature,” though. 

Had a bunch of weird dreams. Weird and X-rated. 

Two couples arrived at wherever I was at the same time to invite me out to dinner, in which we all finally agreed to go as a group. I seemed to be in a large house, and as I headed to the bathroom to freshen up and apply a little makeup, some brat came tearing through the place screaming and I secretly hoped the thing wouldn’t be accompanying us to dinner. 

Then Tom did a great job of driving on a beach without getting stuck in the sand, and I was in another large house in which I and who knows how many others we to move (or to be moved) out of, and then into another house that might’ve been next door. 

People, including myself, were pissed that we had to wait another hour to move. Someone glared at me annoyed that I was annoyed with having to wait, but I didn’t care. Instead, I went and showered. But as I took off my dark purple sports bra, I noticed a white film inside of it and my first fear was some kind of mold or fungus. But then I dropped it to the floor and was herded out of the house topless, along with the others, to the new house. No one seemed to mind or even notice that I was topless, but I felt very uncomfortable. Hey, it wasn’t 1993 anymore when I was a young skinny dancer. 

Time seemed to pass and I was hanging outside, arms across my bare boobs when a couple came up and started chatting with me. They had something I wanted to buy from them that they were happy to show and sell me, though I don’t know what. I apologized for being topless, explaining the quick move we were made to do, and a mousy woman said, “Oh, it’s no problem.” 

I lay in bed that night unable to sleep. We were supposedly waiting to get our belongings from the other house the next day. Tired of being topless, I stole out into the darkness and ran over to the other house. I scurried into the bathroom to grab my discolored bra but instead found a bright pink shirt. I snatched it up and ran down the stairs. Just as I was headed for the front door, I heard something in back of the house and realized I wasn’t alone. This made me run faster, not wanting to be seen and get in trouble.

“It's best to have crumbs with bums than steaks with fake ass snakes. Be true. If no one likes you for you, they don't matter.” 

I absolutely LOVE this comment made to me! 

I know I said a few entries ago that that would be it as far as the Aly/Kim thing goes, but today I woke up feeling numb where Aly is concerned. 

Aly, the “friend” that called me a fatty when she was sticking up for those picking on Molly. 

Aly, the “friend” that told me Kim’s face reminded her of an elephant without the trunk which she wouldn’t DARE say directly to Kim. So maybe Aly isn’t much truer of a friend than Kim, though that’s their problem. 

Aly, the “friend” that I realized could give Kim or anyone else any amount of info on me she wanted if she could give me all the personal info she’s given me on Kim. I didn’t learn that Kim’s sister Carol dumped her husband and kids for another woman from a Chinese fortune cookie. 

Then again, I really don’t know if numb is the proper word. Resigned may be more like it. All I do know is that I don’t feel saddened or angry at this point. Shocked, yes. She really never struck me as the dumping type. That’s always been more my department. In fact, I almost dumped the rest of my friends yesterday on every site I have them on, knowing my life would be easier if I just limited my contact to family only. That way they wouldn’t get a chance to piss me off and I wouldn’t get a chance to offend anyone with my bluntness. But I couldn’t live with the guilt, so I didn’t go on a deleting frenzy after all. 

I understand, however, that it wasn’t just about me being critical and not crazy enough for her, but more like no longer needed. Once she got her old texting buddy back, then she didn’t really need me. But there are plenty of others that DO need, want and accept me as I am and that DO give a shit about me. Those are the ones I’ll be focusing on from here on out. :) 

Later… 

LOL, Kim has been creating new accounts on Prosebox for her silly fan fantasies. There are three of them that I know of. But surprisingly, she hasn’t blocked me from any of them. Instead, I have been the one to take the honors, fittingly, as I’m the one who has been stalked. 

Out of natural curiosity, I wonder if she’s read me on Blogger or my-diary since she can’t read me on Prosebox. I’m staying FO on Prosebox for now regardless of her. She can still block my account either way, but I’ve chosen to remain FO for a while longer because I’m not open to new friends and not because of what she may do. She and Aly can read all they want. I just don’t ever want to hear from Kim or Molly. 

I’ve been trying to decide what to do about the 5 places I’m currently writing at, which is a bit too many to manage. I think I’ll drop my-diary and LiveJournal, which means Kim and Aly will have to show themselves on Blogger unless they disable cookies. I’m just bored with my-diary and LiveJournal. I’ll probably keep my public Blogger blog public, but not bother to post private entries/sections on any site other than when I back up everything on Amazon’s cloud because it’s just pointless. Or maybe I’ll just back those up on Prosebox, but not LiveJournal or my private Blogger blog. 

I’m going to keep doing Facebook Notes for Tammy, so the 3 places I’ll be writing at will be Blogger, Prosebox and Facebook. I’ll leave a forwarding link to Blogger on LiveJournal, but I’m not going to give a heads-up on my-diary. I’m going to just leave. 

Later… 

I don’t know if it’s PMS or something else, but damn am I tired tonight. I’m beyond tired. I almost feel like I’ve been drugged. Had a strange ache between my shoulder blades and a bit of a sore throat too, though I don’t feel sick like I’m coming down with anything. 

I keep going off balance easily as well, but as Tom pointed out, that’s because I need my bad ear cleaned. I will be seeing the ENT next month. 

Our motion censored kitchen pail broke and I can’t say I’m not kind of glad. I know Tom loves high-tech stuff, but I never cared for the damn thing because it would go through batteries like crazy. So much so that he started using rechargeables, but it was still a pain going to open the thing just to find the battery had died. So he’ll use that in the storeroom, and off we’ll be going later on to Walmart for the one I wanted in the first place and that I told Mr. High-Tech to get. :) I just want a regular, no-frills pail. 

We did a small grocery run yesterday morning, and I got a miniature doll with dark hair and eyes. Yes, it’s perfectly childish, but it’s so adorably cute standing on the kitchen counter. 

My sister has her laptop set up on a small table in her bedroom, which is a large room just like mine. Since we’ll eventually get a new kitchen set and I have other places to eat, color and do whatever at, I dragged our little round table into the bedroom so I can work in there during the daytime when it’s quieter. At night I’ll be in the living room with my laptop hooked up to my 32” smart TV. 

I moved one of our 3 giant artificial plants from the spot the table now sits at, and that exposed much of the wall in that area. What did the sticker fanatic do? Sure enough, she picked out this gorgeous window mural for that spot. The mural is of cherry trees in a park with bright lush green grass. You can see a few people milling about, too. 

It shouldn’t clash with the mint green walls in there, as some murals and wall décor can when it comes to colored walls, because of the white frame. 

I had a dream Tom and I were staying someplace (on vacation or to live?) and I was in the living room when I glanced up at the sunlight streaming through the blinds. I then got up and looked out the large window there. Instead of seeing lots of houses like you do here, I gazed out at a vast and lovely natural setting. It didn’t look like a pine forest like up in Oregon or even like the woods of Auburn. It wasn’t densely wooded at all. Instead, there were sprawling green hills with scattered trees. 

I don’t miss the extreme cold and snow, but I miss rural living. Not the hassles it’d bring like having to burn or haul trash, and not the wells going out, but the seclusion and peace. Minus any landlord’s mutts that are never allowed indoors, of course. 

This climate here is both good and bad when you think about it. It’s good in that it doesn’t get extremely hot or cold, but if you’re a noise hater who’s easily distracted, well, we escaped the snow and mega cold but didn’t warm up enough to shut the people up in the wintertime. People are out and about here year-round, though more active in the winter. 

Later… 

Oh, fucking shit. Like really! Oh. Fucking. Shit. How can I be so damn dumb at times??? 

For the first time in ages, I thought to double-check my friends who have access to my FO blog on PB. I admit I'm more open on that particular site due to the number of friends I've acquired there. I decided to clean up my friends and basically delete those I never hear from like I do from time to time on Facebook. 

Sure enough, I spot one of Aly's many accounts. She may not even remember she has that account because both she and Kim create account after account on every single site they use, something I'll never get. They create, delete, create, delete, create, delete, occasionally just abandoning some of them without bothering to deactivate first. Usually, that's a sign one's doing something wrong, but their reasons are their reasons and that's not what matters. All that matters is that I not be so careless like that again! I blocked the account just in case she does remember it exists. If she's aware of it and remembers the PW, who knows if she looked in on that particular blog or not, but I think I finally have all ports closed that I wish to close. I don't care who sees what elsewhere, but PB is strictly FO only for now.

At first I was determined not to mention this at all in public, but when Aly betrayed me by telling Kim that I discussed her with her, I came to have a WTF attitude. If they can’t respect my wishes, why respect theirs and keep my mouth shut? It’s not like I’m posting any sensitive info anyway, and I don’t know that they’re reading me in the first place. Nothing visible showed up on my tracker yesterday from either one of them, although someone did spend a half-hour on the same entry on Blogger. Can’t say who it is, though, other than that they’re in the US. When my tracker can’t figure out the exact location of someone, it just defaults to something like Kansas City, MO. 

I may delete entries pertaining to them at some point, but don’t know for sure. I’m kinda torn on that. I shouldn’t be bashing them publicly whether they know about it or not, but at the same time it is my journal and I’m not doing anything wrong. I don’t have a problem with sharing the same sites or with them reading me. I only get pissed when Kim needlessly plays victim by blocking me. 

I still can’t believe Aly dumped me, but I would rather be dumped by all my friends for being honest than gain many friends by not being honest. It’s a reminder that anyone can dump us at any time for any reason and that no relationship is guaranteed for life. I kind of went from shocked to bummed to what you might call stubbornly determined and maybe a touch mad. Meaning that I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I’m not going to miss the drama one bit, but I’ll miss Aly’s intelligence, creativity and insight. I don’t know why she’d dump someone who’s been upfront with her and hang onto someone who’s lied and two-faced her (I even once pointed out a nasty comment Kim made on Kathy’s Facebook wall about her), but for reasons I'll never understand, it's as okay for Kim to be dishonest as it is not okay for me to be honest. Well, Aly can enjoy all 330 pounds of the sorry sack of shit then. 

She has a right to do what she has to do, though I did send her a text and an email telling her to at least say hello every now and then if she hasn’t already deactivated her email account and changed phone numbers. 

Still, I don’t hate her. I don’t think she’s an “idiot.” I don’t think she plays a victim either. I think she’s made some unwise choices in life and has a strange sense of who she considers a “friend” vs. who she can’t “forgive,” but to say I don’t think much of her is bullshit. Sure, it’s a little insulting that she prefers lying whack jobs like Kim as opposed to one who’s always tried to be honest with her, but again, she has a type and obviously she likes those who will lie and two-face her. The slave/bondage obsession; that alone is a sign a person likes at least some degree of abuse, right? 

So Kim…lie to her and tell her to “have fun” whenever she goes to the doctor. Be sure, if she ever joins Ask and allows for anonymous questions, to insult her the way you did me, and be sure to bash her to Kathy and anyone else you can behind her back. It’s ok. Aly will still love you. But never ever be honest, not that you’re capable of it to begin with. 

And Aly, I’m sorry you feel this is what you deserve, but it’s your life and your right to pick and choose your “friends” as you see fit. 

But me? I’m nobody’s liar. That’s why, as easy as it would’ve been, I didn’t just go along with Andy when he’d accuse me of lying to him because he has trust issues and was dumb, ignorant and uneducated about some things he didn’t get or couldn’t relate to. I’d have been the liar he accused me of being had I said, “Alright, alright. I’m making up my sleep disorder.” And also if I’d magically gotten a job outside of the house and conquered my driving phobia, knowing how thrilled he’d have been about it. 

Or I could’ve just not said anything at all about certain subjects, especially if I could’ve magically known up front how he’d react to some of them. But that’s not me. If I started telling every single person what they believed or what they wanted to hear, I’d quickly lose track of what lies I told which people! Really, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with my own lies in that case, nor would I be being true to myself. Yet to keep my mouth shut would not only make me want to explode eventually but would also leave me feeling a bit dishonest for not speaking up. Better to not say anything than to lie, but still. If we can’t tell our friends exactly what’s on our minds, then I guess they’re not really our friends after all, are they? 

Yes, I got sick of the little lies here and there like how she told me Kim rejoined Prosebox on her own. And automatically assumed BEFORE telling Aly that Aly would sometimes manage it? Somehow I doubt that. And I doubt she isn’t active on Twitter and Facebook, either. 

And yes, I got sick of the guilt trips, intentional or not, because I might have wanted to stop texting when Tom came home. You know, the guy I’m married to who works 9 to 10-hour shifts that I rarely get to see? Or maybe it was because I wanted to go do some housecleaning, some laundry, writing, working out, or just plain wasn’t in the mood to swap texts at the moment, even though I always DID care. 

Life may not be as fun or as interesting without friends, but a part of me is tempted to go private with my writing and just share with Tammy on Facebook because of the drama that can come from having friends and being honest with them. That way I don't have to censor and filter things as much either. I don’t want to worry anybody and abandon my remaining friends, but I have to think of myself, too. I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I can say that if I do stay public, I’m going to remain FO on Prosebox for a while because I don’t want to make any new friends there. I have enough people coming at me there and I definitely don’t need additional friends and followers. I’ve built up more of a following there than I can keep up with. I wasn’t, well, supposed to get this popular. After all, I’m not a young, thin career woman with lots of sexcapades to report, ya know? I’m just a middle-aged, eccentric work-at-homer with on-and-off hormonal nightmares. 

This isn’t the first time Aly and I have had a falling out. I dumped her once and then we talked it out and moved on from there, realizing there was more good than bad to each other. I’d like to think that can happen in this case, but if it doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be. 

The only other thing Aly said in her final email that I didn’t get was that her life expectancy wasn’t that great if upping the chemo to 3x a week didn’t help or she couldn’t hold out till surgery in June. Why wouldn’t the chemo help and why wait till June for surgery if she’s that critical? I just don’t get why the doctors would have her wait that long. Well, I haven’t had any death dreams pertaining to her lately, and I know medicine has really advanced over the years, so I feel pretty confident that she’ll make it. 

Either way, she’s decided I’m too honest for her and that I think things about her I don’t really think. Disease talking or not, as paranoia and depression is in fact a common side effect of cancer, I gotta move on whether I hear from her again or not. 

Later… 

I’m in a bit of a funk right now. The fact that I’ve managed to lose Paula, Andy and Aly in less than a year, even if I don’t entirely regret the first two, makes me wonder if I’m just an all-around horrible person. I don’t regret my honesty, but I do wonder about myself at times. 

Or is this just life? I once read that 7 years from the present moment, almost all our friends won’t be our friends. 

Still, I’m not going to sweat it. Right or wrong, I am who I am, I’m always going to be myself, and people can simply take me or leave me. 

I can sort of understand Aly’s point, though. While I certainly didn’t mean to offend her intentionally, I have become more critical and less tolerant with age. I’m much more outspoken and unforgiving as well. Is some of it subconscious actions based on what I see so often in society? Or is it simply how I’ve evolved given my own personal experiences in life? I’m guessing it could be a mix of both. 

It’s funny too, because while society preaches forgiveness in one breath, I seldom see them act upon it. I don’t want my friendship back with Paula and Andy, but what if I did? Well, I’m 90-something percent sure they wouldn’t go for that. And what about Nane? I’d consider reconnecting with her (this wasn’t just a friend), and while I apologized from the bottom of my heart for going off on her for her own judgmental ways, where is all this forgiveness people talk about? She hasn’t blocked me, but she totally ignores me. I can’t say if she’s reading my blog or not, but I haven’t heard from her on Facebook or via email in over a year. Furthermore, I’d say I have a better chance of winning thousands of dollars than ever hearing from “Agent P” again. 

But hey, it was a good 8 years, life goes on, and there will always be new people to enjoy and then get into some stupid fight with, right? :) 

Going grocery shopping early this morning, and well, there really isn’t a whole lot to say right now. I didn’t sleep very well, though I didn’t have any breathing issues or nightmares. I’ve been at a loss to remember my dreams lately. I’ll start to remember a faint glimmer of a dream, but before I can fully grasp it, it slips away. 

Actually… there is one strange thing. Ok, one very strange thing. My mother called to me. I swear as I was about to fall asleep I heard my mother call my name twice, waking me back up instantly both times. This actually isn’t the first time she’s “called” me and my father might have as well, but I can’t say for sure. 

The first time my mother called my name it sounded, IDK, distorted I guess. Like she was terrified or suffering, not that I have a problem with that after the suffering she inflicted upon me when she was alive. 

But I’m a realist and a person of science. The brain does strange things, especially when we’re asleep or on our way there. If it didn’t we wouldn’t have such crazy dreams where spiders grow wings and fly while we walk around naked in public without a single person noticing.

Went out walking after 9pm. It was chilly as hell and the moon was huge and full. It’s the furthest I’ve ventured out on my own in many months, maybe even a year since my thyroid dose has been regulated and most of my anxiety has backed off. I just refuse to ever again be “bullied” by my own heart. Seriously, I’m trying to have the biggest I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude I possibly can so that I stop worrying about things so much. Not a reckless, careless attitude; just one that isn’t going to drive herself so crazy with worry. 

Fitbit, which makes a great alarm clock, said I walked 21 minutes. I do it for my health and joints, not because I think I’ll ever lose weight. I’ve given up on that a long time ago. 1200 cals every day simply isn’t sustainable, and well, my body weighs what it feels it needs to weigh. I try to go as easy as I can on the food, but some days are easier than others. I’m getting watery again too, which makes me think the next period will be on time. But the closer I get to my period, whenever I get it, the hungrier I will get. 

I feel like there are other things I could say, but just can’t think of anything other than that I slept well again, and don’t remember any dreams. 

Later… 

So that really is it. Aly really has dumped me. That’s what I get for being honest, but I would rather lose a few friends by being honest than gain 100 by bullshitting them. I think she thinks that I think she’s a bad person, and that’s totally not true at all. I think her buddy is a genuine asshole, but she’s just the opposite. So much so that I don’t understand why she bothers with the likes of Kim, but that’s what she didn’t like me pointing out. 

I understand once again that it’s her life and she has the right to pick and choose her friends, but I can’t help but resent Kim even more for coming between us as she has in a sense. Assholes always have a way of ruining otherwise good friendships, don’t they? I realize that maybe I was blaming her a little too much for Kim’s actions. My intuition kept telling me that they BOTH rejoined Prosebox together, even though Aly says Kim did it on her own, and that she really did tell Kim about our discussion about her even though I asked her not to. Why else would she visit my blog a second time and take her shit to another site, as Aly said she did in her final email to me this morning? Either my intuition was right on, or I’m not nearly as intuitive as I give myself credit for. I really thought they joined together and I was pissed that she didn’t at least try to dissuade her from doing so thus giving her an opportunity to play victim by blocking me, which really gets to me, even if it shouldn’t. I just don’t understand why the nut job would block someone who has absolutely zero interest in them to begin with. I lost all interest in her six years ago. But as my research shows, this is classic behavior of stalkers, psychopaths and sociopaths. They will always act like they’re the ones being victimized. They are also totally incapable of feeling any empathy whatsoever. If God forbid Aly doesn’t get through leukemia, Kim’s going to just shrug and get on with her fantasy life. But I will literally be in tears no matter how much she hates me for speaking my mind. 

She said I have become very judgmental and critical of her and that she can’t forgive me for what I said to her Wednesday night even though she’s usually a very forgiving person. She deleted or at least went private on my-diary, as well as on Fitbit. I also have the feeling that she didn’t get “sick” of Twitter, but that she’d slowly been pulling away from me because I’m not crazy enough for her, or as much of a texting addict as she would like. 

Well, for whatever it’s worth, I don’t mean to be judgmental, critical, or cruel in any way by saying this, but she definitely has a “type” and I’m just not it. I get that. Just like some women are attracted to abusive men, Aly gravitates to the crazies for some reason. She is one of the sanest and intelligent people I know so it always struck me as odd and a bit sad, but again it’s her life. I hate to lose an otherwise great friend, but if there’s any lesson I have learned it’s not to be friends was someone who is friends with someone you can’t stand. Yeah, fuck you, Kim. Just fuck you. It may not all be your fault, but some of it is. 

No sense in holding back some of the past entries I made private. I’ll backdate and share them some other time, as right now I am just too tired. The drama is just exhausting and I’ve had enough. There really does come a time when you have to wash your hands clean of it even if you don’t always want to. I’m going to get into bed now, bummed about Aly and thinking how Kim will never know just how lucky she is that she isn’t just an arm’s length away.

Nothing from Aly. So that’s it? We’re done. Well, that’s ok if we are. I’m ok with hearing from her, and I’m ok with not hearing from her. Both have their pros and cons. Aly definitely has a “type,” and I’m not crazy enough to be the most preferable to her. I still question just how innocent (or not) she is as far as Kim goes. She may not be able to control Kim’s actions, but she could’ve at least tried to dissuade her from rejoining Prosebox, knowing she’d only use it as a chance to block me and play Vicky Vicky on me. 

I asked her not to mention our discussion to Kim, but I have a feeling she did. Kim looked in on me for a second time this morning and my guess is that it was prompted by our discussion. She probably wanted to see if I mentioned it there. So obviously the name change was pointless. She’s got my account bookmarked there. 

“Crackers Fan,” which I’m guessing Aly might’ve been behind and maybe even the Lisa B account, has disappeared. One of the Ryan accounts is still there, but I don’t see any new accounts. I would still be able to see them listed even if I was blocked from them. I’ve been watching the new users come in out of curiosity. 

I went all FO on Prosebox and hid myself from public view so she wouldn’t see my account from the outside in. This way, if she shows up on my tracker again, I’ll know she’s going to either Blogger or LiveJournal as well. 

The vigilante offered to cross-stalk her. 

Ok. 

I just wonder if this will blow over soon or if Kim is going to relatch onto me and stalk me for years just like she did in 2010. She’s worse in some ways than Molly ever was. Kim may always live with family but she’s not in anyone’s custody and isn’t monitored like Molly has been since the group home got her. Kim’s older sister was checking up on her at times, but Kim still has more freedom than Molly. I still think something also happened to Molly because even though Aly says she hears from her little friends at times, I can’t believe the staff would discipline her this well for this long. Even if they did, Molly would’ve found a way around it so she could still follow Aly and I and God knows who else. When her parents kicked her offline when she was living at home, she simply went to the library to harass people from there. So something’s gotta be up with Molly. 

I could complain to Marbridge if Molly ever started harassing me again, but who can I run to about Kim, who could actually become quite a nuisance if she really wanted to. I don’t think she will, though. I think that within a week or so this will all blow over. I don’t think they’re going to stick with Prosebox either. Kim’s likely to do most of her writing on sites like Blogger and WP. She may look in on my my-diary account, which I can’t verify either way, but she wouldn’t write there where she has no blocking power.

After sleeping absolutely horribly I began to rethink and re-question my dentist asking me if I had sleep apnea. Yeah, do I? I woke up gasping and feeling like I wasn’t getting enough air. It took me a few hours to fall back asleep and when I did I couldn’t stay asleep. The dentist had said something about my tongue. Maybe she was saying it flopped back against the airway? 

I looked up the symptoms, and sadly, I have most of them. Unlike the articles I read, though, she and Shannon said weight wasn’t a factor. I’m not obese anyway. Close, but I’m not quite there. I also don’t snore loudly. I rarely snore and when I do it isn’t very loud.  The real frustration was the symptom’s similarities to perimenopause. If the peri isn’t causing the anxiety I’ve had, could it be sleep apnea? 

Tom suggested her putting the idea in my head triggered my shitty sleep and while that might’ve influenced it, I’m not so sure about that. I’ve been waking up frequently for a long time now, which is one of the symptoms, and while I don’t “suffocate” in my sleep regularly, I’ve woken up feeling like I have to suck in a deep breath many times. 

It mentions brain fog, anxiety, short-term memory loss, inability to lose weight, loss of libido, poor concentration, and so many other symptoms I can relate to. The scary thing is that it can lead to heart failure and strokes. 

I’ve had the runs and feel like I’ve been suffocating since I got up, though, which is a common symptom of both anxiety and heart failure. Heart failure is unlikely because I’m not coughing and congested. My lungs are usually clear. I’m probably just wound up. Maybe I’ll feel better when Tom gets up. I just wish I had more energy to motivate myself to be more active. I haven’t exercised at all today, though I did about 20 minutes yesterday. 

I also struggle with the non-24 sleep disorder and have the stress on me of struggling with that to make my many appointments, too. This leaves me tired and not feeling very refreshed at times. I think it’s time to mention the sleep and peri issues to Dr. A. It’s just that I don’t want to have yet MORE shit to deal with. Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is not to deal with it, but to just pull back, take a breath, and try to quit stressing about it. Unless it worsens, of course. I still sleep better when I’m on days and when I know I’m not alone, so that helps, too. Hopefully, I will fall asleep a little earlier and sleep more solidly next time around. Maybe I’ll take a lorazepam before bed. 

The waking up gasping I had written off as being fat or laying in a shitty position, but maybe it’s my pillow, too. Then I remembered my tummy-sleeping pillow and decided to try that instead of my gel memory pillow. My favorite sleeping position, unfortunately, is on my stomach and this cheap Walmart pillow keeps your neck aligned better. One of the tips said to avoid eating a lot before bed, and that sleeping on your back is best but that’s my least favorite position. I’m also going to try their recommendation of sleeping with a nose strip on as well. 

During one of those rare moments of sleep, I don’t know where we were, but Tammy walked into the room with someone else. I began to run to her to cry on her shoulder about possibly having sleep apnea, but she seemed to be suffering somehow, so I bit my tongue. 

Then Evie from aerobics came into the room to show me a huge picture book in which one of the pictures I supposedly took was featured. The person she was with then magically produced some old vinyl records and I told him I had nothing to play them on. 

Tammy then flicked her cigarette lighter and said, “I could get those to play with my lighter.” 

Then I was someplace warm. It was nighttime and I ventured outside from what seemed to be a small room in which I slept. It was very toasty warm out. Then I started to worry that when I shut the door behind me it would lock and I wouldn’t be able to get back in, but it opened ok. 

Later… 

Changed my u/n on Prosebox and went FO, but if Kim’s saved the link, then the name change won’t matter, unlike on Twitter where changing u/n’s means changing the link. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kim wasn’t on my-diary because she has no blocking power there. Still, I have taken the liberty of preventing her from victim-playing on every site I can without putting myself out. This means that my-diary, LiveJournal and Blogger will resume as usual, but since I’ll be sharing entries on Facebook, I won’t share Blogger links there. 

Really like how Notes look these days on Facebook where we can insert pics along the tops of the notes. Wish we could put pics across the strips of posts on Blogger in a similar style. My notes will be mostly visible to just Tammy. 

And no, Aly wasn’t playing with me. We exchanged texts and emails tonight, but as usual, she’s driving me crazy with her clinginess. I’m tired of her guilting me over the fact that I do have other things to do at times and can’t always just text, text, text. I’m sorry she’s suffering so horribly now (she was in the ER again) both physically and emotionally, but people really do get busy at times and they’re not just trying to brush her off. Just because I work at home, don’t drive, don’t socialize like crazy, and can’t keep a schedule doesn’t mean I still don’t have a life. I work. I clean. I learn. I have hobbies. I work out. I have a husband. I have pets. I live. 

The agreement was for us to keep in touch via email (editing there is so much easier for me) since she has the psychopath to text with, but now her computer will be in the repair shop until Friday. 

Anyway, I asked her not to say anything to Kim (no guarantees I’ll get my wish there), I was not only honest about my feelings about her, but about how Kim’s shit still gets to me. She said she appreciated my honesty, but couldn’t exactly thank me for it. 

Seriously, this shit with Kim is beyond asinine! This is SIX years after I decided for sure that I want absolutely NOTHING to do with her on account of her lies and delusions. Yet here she is all these years later still blocking me as if I’m the one following and contacting her. 

Aly said she’s afraid of me and that her older sister monitors her online activity which would explain why she hasn’t contacted me for years, but if she’s so afraid of me, why did she look in on me last night for nearly 3 minutes? 

Also, Aly claims she doesn’t know my Prosebox account, but I’m not sure I buy that. Maybe she had nothing to do with blocking me and it was all on Kim. That’s what stalkers do, after all. They harass and then block the people they harass, and then they collect whatever links and info they can on them. If Aly didn’t block me herself, since they both manage the fan accounts, then Kim either looked me up (I was using my first name) or she saved the link. I don’t think, however, that Kim follows my blog regularly on my-diary where there is no tracking like she used to, or that she normally disables cookies to follow me on other sites. Just in case, though, I make a point of not publically mentioning her or Molly and giving either troll the negative attention they get off on, though my guess is neither one has looked in on me in many months, other than Kim’s peekaboo from last night. Even if they both started reading me regularly, though, I’m not going private. I have too many followers. As long as I’m not contacted, that’s what matters most. 

Later… 

I slept wonderfully! I really needed that, too. I slept 10 long hours with no breathing issues and very few wake-ups. I never once had to get up and pee. 

On the downside, the God fantasy has found its way to our back door. Literally. As if it isn’t enough to have to listen to these annoyingly and very old stories of a “wonderful” God despite all the shit that goes on in the world! 

Some asshole slipped some religious crap in between the screen and the metal grid of the back door so I can’t get it out. Just like people one day came to be smart enough to realize that allowing women on ships didn’t really bring bad luck, I hope there will come a day when people will smarten up enough to get over the God trip and quit kidding themselves with that. Really, you can indulge in these fantasies and tell yourself what you want to hear/believe, but if it’s bullshit, is it really healthy and productive anymore than for an alcoholic to tell themselves they don’t have a drinking problem? Oh, right, I’ll just stop my thyroid meds and assume there’s some magical and invisible fantasy God that will wake up my thyroid all from the goodness of His heart just because he loves the shit out of me. Oh no, He’d never let anything bad happen to me or anyone else for that matter. No, He’s not going to just sit back and watch ISIS cut people’s heads off, or innocent children be beaten to death, or for people to die of horrible diseases, right? Right? 

Hey folks, reality is often scary to face. I get that. But the sooner we pull our heads out of the sand, the better off I think we’ll be. It’s one thing for children to pretend to have imaginary friends. One that considers them special and cares about them and always has their back. But adults are supposed to be smarter than that and know better! 

Hearing anything God used to annoy me, but these days it just pisses me off. I’ve totally lost tolerance for this shit and I admit it. So please… keep it to yourself, will you? You have a right to these fantasies if you feel they’re going to help get you through life, but remember, I don’t, ok? I prefer chocolate, the smell of lavender, soothing music, writing, etc. These fantasies are on you and you only. :) So please spare me your gods, your angels, your fairies, your elves, your unicorns, and all your other fictitious figures. 

What also pisses me off is that the park isn’t supposed to allow anyone to be soliciting this crap here, so what’s up with that? They must’ve slipped in when the gates were open. They’re open all day and nobody mans them.

So pissed off right now (at Kim and Aly) and so torn between the “don’t let Kim control how I live my online life” vs. the “don’t give her the satisfaction of having accounts available to block and play false victim with” attitude. Seriously, I regret and resent every psychopath I ever met through Aly! I also totally regret telling Aly about Prosebox too, cuz wherever she goes, Kim goes. 

First, I’ve been finding it a bit odd that Aly’s supposedly sending both texts and emails I haven’t gotten, and that she also hasn’t gotten some I’ve sent. Now technology is always glitchy. I get that. But what if she doesn’t “need” me anymore now that Kim’s back to texting with her regularly which is her favorite thing to do in life next to reading? Aly’s a very needy person who will gravitate and focus mostly on whoever she can get the most attention from. She also clearly prefers delusional nutjobs like Kim for friends. This has always struck me as weird. Usually the crazy seeks the crazy and the intelligent seeks the intelligent. That’s the thing, though… Aly may be intelligent and sane, but she’s not always very stable or honest. 

What’s got me going tonight is that Kim is once again playing the victim she never was, though I am not going to let Aly know what I know because I know it would get back to her. I also know that Kim’s needlessly blocking me (like I would even want to read/comment on Kim’s boring blogs?) shouldn’t bother me a bit. After all, it can’t hurt me. But I feel that by her knowing where my accounts are, I’m giving her a chance to play victim, even though I’m not doing that at all and am just simply going about my business. Again, I shouldn’t care, but I just hate to give her the satisfaction of blocking me whenever I can help it, so I once again deactivated on Twitter, since I’m not really interested in using that site after all. Can’t do anything about Facebook, and she’s probably blocking me every time she creates one of her silly fan accounts she’s so obsessed with on Blogger, but I’m doing what I can to prevent her from playing vicky vicky on other sites. 

It started with me happening to notice the latest users at the bottom of the front page on Prosebox. I haven’t known her or Aly to use the site in a while, so I haven’t been checking. But then I got a Stafford Springs, CT hit on my tracker and ran to check the new users since she uses such obvious names. Sure enough, there were two new Ryan Hanrahan Fans accounts, one of which I was quick enough to block her on before she got a chance to block me. She (or Aly) happened to be on at the same time. I ran and looked in from my bogus account and it said, “Owned by Kim M and sometimes managed by Aly P,” so there was no doubt who it was connected to. 

Lisa B Fans just showed up and I just blocked that too, even though Kim only visited me once. She made 5 page views that took nearly 3 minutes. 

With all the reading I’ve done on stalkers like Kim and Molly, and others that are psychopaths or sociopaths, it’s actually very common for them to act like they’re the ones being victimized. The shitsters in Phoenix probably really truly believed deep down that they were the true victims in the case. This is classic stalker/psycho behavior. 

I appreciate the fact that no trolls have tried to contact me or harass anybody I’m connected to, but there is still something about Kim blocking me that really gets to me. I can’t stress enough just how UNinterested I am in anything she writes or does online. Meaning I have no desire to follow any of her accounts, nor do I have any desire to contact her. Not that she ever would, because again, she doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong, but even if she’s suddenly apologized to me for every shitty thing she ever did to me, her apology would go unaccepted and she would remain unforgiven and avoided. The only time I don’t avoid her is when I’m blocking one of her accounts before she can block me. I have zero contact with her otherwise, and I’m not worried about her excessive blocking and risking my accounts because the people running the sites can see that no activity from my account to hers is ever-present. 

So here’s what I decided to do about it for now. I don’t want to shut down all my accounts and dump friends I’ve made online who may worry about me and who haven’t done anything wrong. Instead, I’ve chosen to simply disappear from public view for a while. This will also give me a chance to see if Aly really is playing with me or not. I sent her a message on my-diary and told her I’ve texted and emailed her, and that if she doesn’t get those or my message on my-diary, then I don’t know what else I can do. If her heart is no longer in our friendship and she would rather focus on sick fucks like Kim, that’s her prerogative but I’m not going to play any games either. 

So like I said, rather than dump accounts that I worked so hard to build up over the years and punish innocent people, I’m going to stop using my-diary for now, go private on LiveJournal, create a new book that’s FO on Prosebox, and stop using my public Blogger blog. I’ll use my private one there. I thought of embedding Tammy's email so that they would auto-send to her, but I think I’ll just share those on Facebook for either her or friends. Most will be for just her. I’ll email some, too. 

To the best of my knowledge, the only activity Aly should be able to see until I decide how to proceed from here is on Fitbit. I can create private boards on Pinterest just in case she thinks to look for me there. She’s not into pic collecting, but she knows of my account there. Until I find out for sure what’s going on with her, let HER do some wondering of her own and wonder what the hell’s going on with me. This is just a temporary setup, though. I’m not going to abandon my blogs and journals just for one delusional psycho who loves to play victim. 

Aly deactivated on Twitter saying she has no use for the site either, but my guess is she’s created an account that is connected to one of Kim’s many dozens of accounts. Only difference is that Aly’s smart enough not to make the name so obvious. Well, Aly has a right to do what she wants online that she doesn’t want me knowing about, but if I do catch her any more lies, or she continues to be the only one that I happen to have issues sending and receiving texts and emails with, I’m not going to literally dump her but she can count on not hearing as much from me if that’s the case. 

Later… 

Lisa B may not be connected to Kim or Aly. I left some less-than-kind comments from my bogus account and that account was immediately blocked Kim-style. The fact that that account wasn’t blocked by Lisa B, makes me doubt the connection. The writer said it was their first fan account because “someone else was doing it,” and while the writing was Aly good, it mentions things that seem very un-Aly, and appears to be in the South. Aly doesn’t drive a Honda Civic nor did she ever eat at Subway every day. 

Unless it’s an attempt to see if my bogus account comments. Maybe she’s testing that account to see if it’s connected to me. I better leave a comment then. If I don’t she may wonder why I only commented on the “obvious” account. 

The only other thing that points away from Aly is the time. She usually crashes around midnight her time while Kim is up really late. 

I probably shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t resist finally replying to Andy's message last night about my journals not making sense to him with, “No surprise there. Not much ever made sense to you. Now try figuring out…” I listed the months of blogs he hasn’t gotten yet that I also sent him last night. I just had a bored moment and found the idea amusing. 

Same with “laughing” at Nane. Yeah, now that they have reactions there I laughed at a post of hers on some musician’s page about a delay in the release of an album she’s been wanting, even though she posted it about a year ago.

“Looks like a surprise win,” said Tom, as he entered the house with the day’s mail. 

Yes, every now and then a surprise win will show up without warning. No emails, no phone calls, no letters. 

So I took the small box from him and found I’d won a pricey facial serum, some samples, some bath beads, and a really nice cosmetic bag. 

If it weren’t for that and the one dream I remember having, I wouldn’t be doing an entry today since nothing else is going on at the moment. 

I dreamed we had to temporarily move back into our old Phoenix house, though I don’t know why. I just know that neither of us was happy about it. I asked Tom, who was lying in bed, how long he thought we’d be there and he said, “About a month, if I can help it.” 

I then told him I put the dish towel (after doing dishes since the house had no dishwasher) on the counter, implying that I couldn’t fit it through the narrow cabinet handles from which to hang it. I also told him that within reason, of course, he could be as messy as he wanted since we weren’t staying there for good. 

Then I wandered through the house, thinking I’d take pictures to post online with old ones, comparing how it looked now as opposed to when we last lived there in 1999.

Andy replied to the last entry I sent him before I got fed up and threw in the towel. He said most of what I said made no sense. 

Yeah, I know. He didn’t usually get things very easily, but as they say, we can explain something to someone but we can’t make them get it. Seriously sometimes we just can’t make someone get something no matter how we present it to them. It’s like trying to convince a die-hard believer that no, there is no God. 

WTF, though? He’s blocked me on Facebook but now wants to do email? I didn’t realize it was recently sent when I clicked on it. I’d just gotten up and thought my mail program was screwed up again, sending me long-since read and deleted messages. It was nice to hear from him, but at the same time, nothing has changed. No hard feelings toward him, but I believe what I believe and he believes what he believes. Nothing’s going to change that and I accept that. Wonder if his email was prompted by my started to store dreams/pics last night on Ask, though, or if the timing is just coincidental? Either way, I don’t care what accounts of mine he looks in on, but I’m still never going to be a carbon copy of who he is and he’s still not going to get 80% of the things I say. 

Later… 

I try to be as fair and as honest as I can by being myself but also by being as open-minded as possible and looking at things as objectively as possible, too. So this brings me to ask myself this: Am I judging blacks too harshly? Hmm… well, human nature dictates that if a woman is raped she’s likely to judge men harshly as one is to judge gays harshly if a gay person happens to screw them over. 

So would my take on blacks differ had I not been legally screwed by them? That’s really hard to say. I mean, no Muslim has ever directly burned me in any way, yet I could sit here and say a lot meaner things about those animalistic shitsters that no one wants to hear, including Norma, who insists blacks are widely hated in the South. 

But that’s the thing… as long as your words don’t fall within popular opinion; no one wants to hear it. You’re racist, you’re evil, and flat-out “ignorant” and “misinformed” as far as most people are concerned. It’s a shame that we only have a right to our opinion when it conforms to popular belief, but my feelings are my feelings and I stand by them as I would with any other aspect of myself. 

I don’t think anyone selectively chooses what they feel and believe about things like racism, God or religion but that their feelings and beliefs are formed based on their own personal experiences in life. 

I believe most blacks are assholes because of the way they behave. I believe there is likely no God because of all the suffering that goes on in the world. I believe religion is pointless because no two people are alike. 

You can’t lump everyone together. In this country, you’re a “better” and “correct” and “normal” woman these days if you work your ass off and skip motherhood. Well, that lifestyle may be becoming more preferred by many women, but why should every single woman be expected to live that way? Why can’t each individual woman do what she feels is best for herself? If everyone stops breeding humans will become extinct, not that they should breed like rabbits, and not that extinction may not be a good thing in many ways with all the shit that goes on in the world. 

But the point of this entry was to have a “heart to heart” with myself and ask myself…would my views on blacks be any different if I hadn’t been race-carded by them? Probably not. 

And I have EVERY right to think, feel and believe as I do same as anyone else does. Yet even though I’m not obligated to take responsibility for people’s often fragile and sensitive feelings, I’ll keep this entry amongst those I’m closest to. 

I’m also having fun posting my more “controversial” entries on Prosebox from my bogus account and watching people’s reactions. Surprisingly, I didn’t get bashed like I expected to (yet), but one member who didn’t have the guts to tell “Angel Eyes” off directly ranted in her own journal about how she unfollowed her for being such a horrible, evil racist. LOL 

Later… 

My Twitter excitement wore off of me rather quickly. It’s just too much work and confusion to set up 4 accounts to log things I can easily log in Word or in blogs/books/journals. More than likely I won’t bother with Twitter much but I am backing up dreams and pics to one of my old Ask accounts. 

Woke up with my tooth and gums aching and had to take Ibuprofen. I think it’s starting to get better but it still has a ways to go. 

It was very quiet today but that's only because it rained. As soon as it warms back up, it's landscaping/projects by day, car stereos by night. So both the shitty weather and the nice weather have its pros and cons. 

I’m kind of in a lazy mood tonight. I should hit the Bowflex, hit the treadmill, work on my story… do something, but I just want to read and color. 

Tom and I vacationed in Hawaii in my dreams last night. There was only one negative part of the dream where I was off by myself and was approached by a suspicious couple. Not sure what they were trying to accomplish, but instinct told me they were less than honest, and I was glad they didn’t know our room number. 

On our final night there I thought of how it was the perfect length of time for a vacation, not too long, not too short. I packed up what seemed like a million pairs of shoes, then decided to do the rest of the packing in the morning before we left, since I wasn’t going to get 8 hours of sleep. 

I went into the bathroom and it took me a moment to find the toothpaste. Then I accidentally dropped the cap down the drain and was glad Tom thought to take a couple of nearly empty tubes so we could squeeze out any leftovers from it in the morning.

Let me rant and vent about the neighborhood noise before I get into my grand Twitter plans. If I didn’t know any better I’d swear it was a weekday today! I still can’t believe the amount of shit we hear here. Projects, landscaping, traffic… there’s something nearly every single day. 

Today’s annoyance was them putting gravel and a scattering of small plants on the new people’s lot. I figured they wouldn’t leave it bare, but it’s the best I could hope for because it should generate less upkeep racket this way. Had they had grass laid down, that’d be different. The people next to them were mowing their grass. 

The thing that keeps me from going from agnostic to total atheist is because coincidentally, this shit waited till I got up to start and took over 4 hours to complete. Because these things happen to happen when I’m around and awake, it still makes me think the same noise curse that was put on me in the 90s is still following me around. It’s gotta be aimed at me, because Tom said it was quiet until I got up, and this isn’t the first time it happened to turn out like that. I’d be willing to bet just about anything that it was nice and quiet while we were away. 

The warmer weather definitely has its pros and cons just like the colder weather. I love the warm weather and I love wearing shorts and summer clothes, but it’s not as good for sleeping or exercising. People are noisier in the daytime, and car stereos can be heard booming down the freeway at night. 

I moved our little 2-seater round kitchen table into our very large master bedroom so I could work in there when I’m on days since sounds reverberate through our cavernous living room a lot easier than they do back in the bedroom. In fact, I’m hearing the distant thump of bass as I write this that couldn’t be heard in there. Through the warmer weather, I may work in there day and night. It’s terrible. Just terrible. Really wish we weren’t so close to the edge of the park. Not sure if it’s one vehicle that’s parked nearby or a ton of different ones blazing down the freeway, but by the time these ferociously loud things were still legal in 2005, I knew they always would be. 

We will eventually get a new 4-seater living room set as we’ve needed to do but haven’t considered a top priority. It still isn’t, especially since we eat at our computers and don’t entertain or anything like that. Plus, we have tons of counter space with stools to sit on. 

We walked/ran a little over 2 miles and this time it only took 27 minutes as I get fitter and faster. 

My Twitter plans… I was entering an Amazon instant sweep when I accidentally woke my account back up that I had deactivated because I had to follow someone in order to play the game. I refuse to promote people by retweeting and other things like that, but I don’t mind following sweeps or their sponsors on Twitter because I don’t have to see their tweets. In fact, I don’t have to see anyone’s tweets there because now that Aly and I got sick of using Twitter for tweeting life and our everyday thoughts, there’s nothing to see. She was the only one I was really following there. But rather than deactivate again, I thought I would use that account as a reading list and tweet whatever book I’m currently reading. 

I used one of those free sites that deletes tons of old tweets, but they only deleted about half of them. So I still have a few thousand to manually delete a little at a time. 

I also thought I’d create a few other Twitter accounts. One for tweeting my wins, one for my collectibles, and one for the main highlights of my life, though those last two will be private. The question is what I should consider a “highlight.” Obviously buying a house isn’t something we do every day, but neither is buying a new living room set. Yet I’m not sure buying a new living room set is considered a main event. 

I’m also using one of my old Ask accounts to back up both dreams and pics. 

Had a dream I was at the beach with my sister and nieces. Unfortunately, our parents were alive, though, and had a summer cottage again. Not sure what state we were in, but at one point I was in the water myself. It was very calm and clear. I stuck my face in the water, opened my eyes and peered down at the ocean floor about 6 feet below me. I saw the heads of dead cows, bulls, and even some snakes. 

I got out of the water and sprawled out on the beach. Then I realized I was getting too much sun for my pale, sensitive skin, and then I got up and sort of “fell” into a very small circular pond with water so murky you couldn’t see half an inch through it. Afraid of what creatures may be present in it, I quickly scrambled out and into the cottage. 

Tammy handed me a hot pink pen and said, “Here. Mom found your favorite writing pen that you lost under the rug.” 

I took the pen and looked down at the rug on the porch floor and noticed another pen just under the edge of it. 

I explained to Aly how I was sending Alyssa chapters of the story I threw her in just for shits and giggles, and how she prevented me from sending additional friend requests because I sent more than one, thinking my first one might not have made it to her. I just wanted Aly's opinion and for her to tell me if she thought she hadn’t received them at all, hadn’t noticed them in her “other” box, has noticed them but chose to ignore them completely, or if she’s noticing and reading them. 

Because she prevented me from sending additional friend requests, Aly suspects that she hasn’t noticed them sitting in her “other” box. 

This would be my guess as well. Although… wouldn’t someone as smart as a doctor notice the number count rising in her “recent request” section which is where the “other” box is? But if she’s seen them then why hasn’t she blocked me? Sheer curiosity about the story? 

Damn Facebook for making it so hard to contact people! First they don’t allow messages to go through in the first place, and now they have to go to a place where most people don’t even think to look for them. What’s the point then? I’d rather be blocked and know that someone at least got my message than wonder if they got them or if they’ve noticed them if they did. Because of that, I’m not going to bother sending additional chapters. Kinda funny, though, to imagine her finally noticing it in 10 years or so and being like, WTF? LOL, Would she then wish she could read the rest of the story? 

On Facebook was yet another report of a black attacking a white at a Trump rally. So sad that so many blacks still think violence is the way to get ahead in life despite the fact that 95% or more of the population has long since accepted them. Some things really never do change. I'll bet this guy will barely get a slap on the wrist, but if he were white he'd go down hard for a hate crime. Really, if this guy was so anti-Trump (as most of us are, myself included) then why did he bother to go to his rally? Isn't that like going to a concert to see a band you don't like? It's like he was looking for trouble. Really, these people sometimes ASK for what they get and they MAKE haters out of some people. 

I totally understand having a bleeding heart for the blacks that were once slaves and truly shit on constantly, but I don’t get why anyone has any sympathy these days for them with the way so many of them are acting out, looting, killing, playing the race card, gang banging, and ruining so many lives. I’m sick of hearing all the shit they pull and so many people having this senseless and unfounded sympathy for them. The few that are as fed up with them as I am it’s because THEY made us this way. Yet almost everyone just loves them. What will be the next “politically correct” thing, to praise and make excuses for rapists and child molesters? 

A white blogger was saying she was sick of hearing how “privileged” she is as she had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet and is sick of hearing how “easy” it is to be white. I don’t blame her at all! 

There was a case of a few white chicks getting kicked off a plane for fighting without being arrested at all. Sure enough, a black guy automatically cried, “White privilege!” 

Wrong! It’s people not thinking violence is any big deal and a country with twisted laws. Same thing would’ve happened had the chicks been black as midnight. But they see only what they want to see and not the facts. 

Just had to vent. Man, I am so, so fucking sick of their shit, their whining, their false accusations, their everything! Nothing is ever good enough for them. How I wish we could go back to segregation at times. 

I wonder how many more years or decades it will be before whites finally get fed up enough to start attacking them, but I can ask the same thing about why we haven’t attacked all the Muzzies. Really why don’t we? Why don’t we make the world a safer place to live? They say two wrongs don’t make a right, but maybe sometimes it’s the only way to put people in their proper place and get them to do the right thing. As I learned long ago, the more we take shit, the more shit we’re going to get. So isn’t it time to stop making excuses for these “poor oppressed” people who technically have more rights than we ever had? 

I may be disgusted with society and its laws in general, but I never would’ve thought I’d come to have so much hatred for these people. Again, though, I’m only what they themselves have made me. I’m in the 5% or less that hasn’t an ounce of pity for you. I ain’t doing the “black love” thing and joining in the sympathy campaign when YOU’RE the ones antagonizing us. Certain individuals that are kind to me and have never given me a reason to dislike them, sure. But as a whole, they can go fuck themselves. 

Facebook needs to get a keyword filter so those of us sick of hearing about racism and other shit can filter/block that cow crap out.