Sprung my old Ask accounts to life just to see if Andy reaches out to me, not that I’ll respond. Just curious as to what laughable crap he may come up with. 

I was thinking about how shocked he was to find I wasn’t as big as he is when he visited, and while I do, like most people, look bigger in photographs, it really is no surprise from one who expects everyone to think, feel, believe and be just like him. 

Was also thinking about the twisted laws here and how I would’ve actually gotten much less time had I physically gone after those that had a hand in setting me up in Arizona than by the mere words they used to set me up with. It’s sad but true, and I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. How can assault be considered a misdemeanor while words can be felonious? Yet had I gone and beat the crap outa those responsible, both directly and not, I’d have likely gotten a slap on the wrist for “simple” assault. As I’ve learned, not just from my case but also from what I read/hear on a regular basis, no one has freedom of speech in America. What we do have is the freedom to express what the vast majority wants to hear. 

Just look at the black waitress who wrote “black ppl” on a black customer’s receipt, for example, no doubt to keep track of whose receipts were whose. That’s “news” while the mother who might’ve just smacked her daughter or kicked her son remains as obscure as can be no matter who might’ve tried to get their 15 minutes of fame on the child’s behalf. 

We’ve had some great weather, even if it doesn’t bring great sleep. I was anxious yesterday because I worried about waking up hot-flashing with a pounding heart, but I didn’t. I did wake up warm a few times and didn’t sleep nearly as long as I should have, but nothing major happened. 

Forced myself to do a little cleaning and maybe I’ll force my ass to the Bowflex soon enough. At least I’m not in the lazy mood I was in yesterday. Yesterday I was just so blah that I was almost depressed. The usual stuff… worrying about ‘what ifs’ I shouldn’t be worrying about. 

Had a dream I was watching TV with Tom and Andy. Madonna was on some show and I was saying that I didn’t think Madonna was very pretty and judged her to be about a 6. Then I said I couldn’t believe she married such an ugly old man despite his vivid blue eyes. 

Then I had a mix of quick dreams that were pretty senseless… hosing ants off an office wall by a desk. Swatting mosquitoes in the air. Telling Andy, “At least you know where the ocean is.” He chuckled at that one. 

Hoodie’s making those strange sounds now. Poor guy’s got respiratory issues in his old age. I’m amazed he’s lasted this long. 

Later… 

This is the second night in a row I was kind of depressed. I hope this isn’t going to be a new trend for me and that I don’t slip into a well of clinical depression as my aging hormones die off! There may not be any God after me, but it would just be my shit “luck.” 

My mind is still taking me places I don’t want to go. It’s almost like being forced to watch a movie I don’t want to see. I see all kinds of horrible possibilities that might await both of us in the future. Why is it so hard for me to live in the moment and quit worrying over what either might not happen or that won’t happen for another 20-something years if it does? 

Time keeps jumping around in my mind as I compare my younger self to my current self and what’s easier now vs. what was easier then. I compared my way of thinking and viewing the world and wondered what that might be like years from now. 

I still worry about suffering in this life as well as in any possible afterlife, even though an afterlife seems scientifically impossible. I tried to shut it out, but my mind went to every possibility out there. 

What if I die first and he’s left all alone with no one to help and care for him when he gets old? 

What if his doctor one day announces that he’s terminally ill and we have to die together since I wouldn’t and couldn’t go on without him? Even with all the money, help and rides in the world, the depression would be too much to bear. Just a few years or even a few months left to live after he passed would be like an endless eternity to me. 

Or what if the worst possible fate awaits me? What if he’s suddenly and unexpectedly killed with no time to prepare to go together, leaving me with 3 horrible choices… to kill myself on my own and hope I don’t fuck it up, to commit a crime bad enough to ensure I’ll be at least somewhat cared for in a jail, nuthouse or some facility like that, or to hit the streets once I could no longer keep things going on the home front and let that slowly do me in. 

The best I can hope for is that we die suddenly in a car crash or something before we get old enough to suffer, but not before my early to mid-70s. 

Tom says I don't have anything going on right now to worry about and so that's why I'm worrying. I'm sure he's right. That seems to be the story of my life... I either suffer because something bad is happening, or I suffer because I worry that it will. Still, I don’t want anything to come and rock my world in a bad way, thus giving me a genuine reason to worry. 

Sometimes I miss the way I would look at the world and see things when I was half my age. Sure I worried about the future, but it wasn't in the way that I worry about it now. Like when I was in Valleyhead. My focus was surviving the place and then living to see the day I walked out of there for good. So I was always less than two years ahead of myself in my mind. For the most part, I was, anyway. I just didn't see the horrible possibilities in the way that I see them now because I hadn't experienced some of those possibilities to even know they existed. My life was worse than it is now, but I looked at things differently. The newness and the wonder of things and all the many possibilities that lay ahead of me gave me a sense of curiosity and excitement. But now many of those possibilities give me a sense of dread. At my age, you know life is no bowl of cherries. You’re not naive enough to think you can make it anything you want it to be. But when we’re young, we see the good possibilities more so than what could go wrong. 

Even the depression I had in 2004 when we had to give up our Oregon land and dream of building a house was different than what I’m feeling right now. I guess it’s just easier when it’s an external and very obvious reason (other than losing a loved one) than when you’re getting old and your hormones are fucking with your mind, cycle and pretty much everything. My life is at its best yet I almost feel like I could burst into tears. :( Tom made the comment the other day about women being moody. Damn right on that one! 

I’m always in search of self-help and ways to improve myself. I knew the anti-anxiety foods, and thought it was time to learn the happy foods, and I’ve got one of them. Yeah, I’d say my current mood is definitely tuna-worthy. I can at least try it anyway.