At first I was determined not to mention this at all in public, but when Aly betrayed me by telling Kim that I discussed her with her, I came to have a WTF attitude. If they can’t respect my wishes, why respect theirs and keep my mouth shut? It’s not like I’m posting any sensitive info anyway, and I don’t know that they’re reading me in the first place. Nothing visible showed up on my tracker yesterday from either one of them, although someone did spend a half-hour on the same entry on Blogger. Can’t say who it is, though, other than that they’re in the US. When my tracker can’t figure out the exact location of someone, it just defaults to something like Kansas City, MO. 

I may delete entries pertaining to them at some point, but don’t know for sure. I’m kinda torn on that. I shouldn’t be bashing them publicly whether they know about it or not, but at the same time it is my journal and I’m not doing anything wrong. I don’t have a problem with sharing the same sites or with them reading me. I only get pissed when Kim needlessly plays victim by blocking me. 

I still can’t believe Aly dumped me, but I would rather be dumped by all my friends for being honest than gain many friends by not being honest. It’s a reminder that anyone can dump us at any time for any reason and that no relationship is guaranteed for life. I kind of went from shocked to bummed to what you might call stubbornly determined and maybe a touch mad. Meaning that I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I’m not going to miss the drama one bit, but I’ll miss Aly’s intelligence, creativity and insight. I don’t know why she’d dump someone who’s been upfront with her and hang onto someone who’s lied and two-faced her (I even once pointed out a nasty comment Kim made on Kathy’s Facebook wall about her), but for reasons I'll never understand, it's as okay for Kim to be dishonest as it is not okay for me to be honest. Well, Aly can enjoy all 330 pounds of the sorry sack of shit then. 

She has a right to do what she has to do, though I did send her a text and an email telling her to at least say hello every now and then if she hasn’t already deactivated her email account and changed phone numbers. 

Still, I don’t hate her. I don’t think she’s an “idiot.” I don’t think she plays a victim either. I think she’s made some unwise choices in life and has a strange sense of who she considers a “friend” vs. who she can’t “forgive,” but to say I don’t think much of her is bullshit. Sure, it’s a little insulting that she prefers lying whack jobs like Kim as opposed to one who’s always tried to be honest with her, but again, she has a type and obviously she likes those who will lie and two-face her. The slave/bondage obsession; that alone is a sign a person likes at least some degree of abuse, right? 

So Kim…lie to her and tell her to “have fun” whenever she goes to the doctor. Be sure, if she ever joins Ask and allows for anonymous questions, to insult her the way you did me, and be sure to bash her to Kathy and anyone else you can behind her back. It’s ok. Aly will still love you. But never ever be honest, not that you’re capable of it to begin with. 

And Aly, I’m sorry you feel this is what you deserve, but it’s your life and your right to pick and choose your “friends” as you see fit. 

But me? I’m nobody’s liar. That’s why, as easy as it would’ve been, I didn’t just go along with Andy when he’d accuse me of lying to him because he has trust issues and was dumb, ignorant and uneducated about some things he didn’t get or couldn’t relate to. I’d have been the liar he accused me of being had I said, “Alright, alright. I’m making up my sleep disorder.” And also if I’d magically gotten a job outside of the house and conquered my driving phobia, knowing how thrilled he’d have been about it. 

Or I could’ve just not said anything at all about certain subjects, especially if I could’ve magically known up front how he’d react to some of them. But that’s not me. If I started telling every single person what they believed or what they wanted to hear, I’d quickly lose track of what lies I told which people! Really, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with my own lies in that case, nor would I be being true to myself. Yet to keep my mouth shut would not only make me want to explode eventually but would also leave me feeling a bit dishonest for not speaking up. Better to not say anything than to lie, but still. If we can’t tell our friends exactly what’s on our minds, then I guess they’re not really our friends after all, are they? 

Yes, I got sick of the little lies here and there like how she told me Kim rejoined Prosebox on her own. And automatically assumed BEFORE telling Aly that Aly would sometimes manage it? Somehow I doubt that. And I doubt she isn’t active on Twitter and Facebook, either. 

And yes, I got sick of the guilt trips, intentional or not, because I might have wanted to stop texting when Tom came home. You know, the guy I’m married to who works 9 to 10-hour shifts that I rarely get to see? Or maybe it was because I wanted to go do some housecleaning, some laundry, writing, working out, or just plain wasn’t in the mood to swap texts at the moment, even though I always DID care. 

Life may not be as fun or as interesting without friends, but a part of me is tempted to go private with my writing and just share with Tammy on Facebook because of the drama that can come from having friends and being honest with them. That way I don't have to censor and filter things as much either. I don’t want to worry anybody and abandon my remaining friends, but I have to think of myself, too. I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I can say that if I do stay public, I’m going to remain FO on Prosebox for a while because I don’t want to make any new friends there. I have enough people coming at me there and I definitely don’t need additional friends and followers. I’ve built up more of a following there than I can keep up with. I wasn’t, well, supposed to get this popular. After all, I’m not a young, thin career woman with lots of sexcapades to report, ya know? I’m just a middle-aged, eccentric work-at-homer with on-and-off hormonal nightmares. 

This isn’t the first time Aly and I have had a falling out. I dumped her once and then we talked it out and moved on from there, realizing there was more good than bad to each other. I’d like to think that can happen in this case, but if it doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be. 

The only other thing Aly said in her final email that I didn’t get was that her life expectancy wasn’t that great if upping the chemo to 3x a week didn’t help or she couldn’t hold out till surgery in June. Why wouldn’t the chemo help and why wait till June for surgery if she’s that critical? I just don’t get why the doctors would have her wait that long. Well, I haven’t had any death dreams pertaining to her lately, and I know medicine has really advanced over the years, so I feel pretty confident that she’ll make it. 

Either way, she’s decided I’m too honest for her and that I think things about her I don’t really think. Disease talking or not, as paranoia and depression is in fact a common side effect of cancer, I gotta move on whether I hear from her again or not. 

Later… 

I’m in a bit of a funk right now. The fact that I’ve managed to lose Paula, Andy and Aly in less than a year, even if I don’t entirely regret the first two, makes me wonder if I’m just an all-around horrible person. I don’t regret my honesty, but I do wonder about myself at times. 

Or is this just life? I once read that 7 years from the present moment, almost all our friends won’t be our friends. 

Still, I’m not going to sweat it. Right or wrong, I am who I am, I’m always going to be myself, and people can simply take me or leave me. 

I can sort of understand Aly’s point, though. While I certainly didn’t mean to offend her intentionally, I have become more critical and less tolerant with age. I’m much more outspoken and unforgiving as well. Is some of it subconscious actions based on what I see so often in society? Or is it simply how I’ve evolved given my own personal experiences in life? I’m guessing it could be a mix of both. 

It’s funny too, because while society preaches forgiveness in one breath, I seldom see them act upon it. I don’t want my friendship back with Paula and Andy, but what if I did? Well, I’m 90-something percent sure they wouldn’t go for that. And what about Nane? I’d consider reconnecting with her (this wasn’t just a friend), and while I apologized from the bottom of my heart for going off on her for her own judgmental ways, where is all this forgiveness people talk about? She hasn’t blocked me, but she totally ignores me. I can’t say if she’s reading my blog or not, but I haven’t heard from her on Facebook or via email in over a year. Furthermore, I’d say I have a better chance of winning thousands of dollars than ever hearing from “Agent P” again. 

But hey, it was a good 8 years, life goes on, and there will always be new people to enjoy and then get into some stupid fight with, right? :) 

Going grocery shopping early this morning, and well, there really isn’t a whole lot to say right now. I didn’t sleep very well, though I didn’t have any breathing issues or nightmares. I’ve been at a loss to remember my dreams lately. I’ll start to remember a faint glimmer of a dream, but before I can fully grasp it, it slips away. 

Actually… there is one strange thing. Ok, one very strange thing. My mother called to me. I swear as I was about to fall asleep I heard my mother call my name twice, waking me back up instantly both times. This actually isn’t the first time she’s “called” me and my father might have as well, but I can’t say for sure. 

The first time my mother called my name it sounded, IDK, distorted I guess. Like she was terrified or suffering, not that I have a problem with that after the suffering she inflicted upon me when she was alive. 

But I’m a realist and a person of science. The brain does strange things, especially when we’re asleep or on our way there. If it didn’t we wouldn’t have such crazy dreams where spiders grow wings and fly while we walk around naked in public without a single person noticing.