Went out walking after 9pm. It was chilly as hell and the moon was huge and full. It’s the furthest I’ve ventured out on my own in many months, maybe even a year since my thyroid dose has been regulated and most of my anxiety has backed off. I just refuse to ever again be “bullied” by my own heart. Seriously, I’m trying to have the biggest I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude I possibly can so that I stop worrying about things so much. Not a reckless, careless attitude; just one that isn’t going to drive herself so crazy with worry. 

Fitbit, which makes a great alarm clock, said I walked 21 minutes. I do it for my health and joints, not because I think I’ll ever lose weight. I’ve given up on that a long time ago. 1200 cals every day simply isn’t sustainable, and well, my body weighs what it feels it needs to weigh. I try to go as easy as I can on the food, but some days are easier than others. I’m getting watery again too, which makes me think the next period will be on time. But the closer I get to my period, whenever I get it, the hungrier I will get. 

I feel like there are other things I could say, but just can’t think of anything other than that I slept well again, and don’t remember any dreams. 

Later… 

So that really is it. Aly really has dumped me. That’s what I get for being honest, but I would rather lose a few friends by being honest than gain 100 by bullshitting them. I think she thinks that I think she’s a bad person, and that’s totally not true at all. I think her buddy is a genuine asshole, but she’s just the opposite. So much so that I don’t understand why she bothers with the likes of Kim, but that’s what she didn’t like me pointing out. 

I understand once again that it’s her life and she has the right to pick and choose her friends, but I can’t help but resent Kim even more for coming between us as she has in a sense. Assholes always have a way of ruining otherwise good friendships, don’t they? I realize that maybe I was blaming her a little too much for Kim’s actions. My intuition kept telling me that they BOTH rejoined Prosebox together, even though Aly says Kim did it on her own, and that she really did tell Kim about our discussion about her even though I asked her not to. Why else would she visit my blog a second time and take her shit to another site, as Aly said she did in her final email to me this morning? Either my intuition was right on, or I’m not nearly as intuitive as I give myself credit for. I really thought they joined together and I was pissed that she didn’t at least try to dissuade her from doing so thus giving her an opportunity to play victim by blocking me, which really gets to me, even if it shouldn’t. I just don’t understand why the nut job would block someone who has absolutely zero interest in them to begin with. I lost all interest in her six years ago. But as my research shows, this is classic behavior of stalkers, psychopaths and sociopaths. They will always act like they’re the ones being victimized. They are also totally incapable of feeling any empathy whatsoever. If God forbid Aly doesn’t get through leukemia, Kim’s going to just shrug and get on with her fantasy life. But I will literally be in tears no matter how much she hates me for speaking my mind. 

She said I have become very judgmental and critical of her and that she can’t forgive me for what I said to her Wednesday night even though she’s usually a very forgiving person. She deleted or at least went private on my-diary, as well as on Fitbit. I also have the feeling that she didn’t get “sick” of Twitter, but that she’d slowly been pulling away from me because I’m not crazy enough for her, or as much of a texting addict as she would like. 

Well, for whatever it’s worth, I don’t mean to be judgmental, critical, or cruel in any way by saying this, but she definitely has a “type” and I’m just not it. I get that. Just like some women are attracted to abusive men, Aly gravitates to the crazies for some reason. She is one of the sanest and intelligent people I know so it always struck me as odd and a bit sad, but again it’s her life. I hate to lose an otherwise great friend, but if there’s any lesson I have learned it’s not to be friends was someone who is friends with someone you can’t stand. Yeah, fuck you, Kim. Just fuck you. It may not all be your fault, but some of it is. 

No sense in holding back some of the past entries I made private. I’ll backdate and share them some other time, as right now I am just too tired. The drama is just exhausting and I’ve had enough. There really does come a time when you have to wash your hands clean of it even if you don’t always want to. I’m going to get into bed now, bummed about Aly and thinking how Kim will never know just how lucky she is that she isn’t just an arm’s length away.