After sleeping absolutely horribly I began to rethink and re-question my dentist asking me if I had sleep apnea. Yeah, do I? I woke up gasping and feeling like I wasn’t getting enough air. It took me a few hours to fall back asleep and when I did I couldn’t stay asleep. The dentist had said something about my tongue. Maybe she was saying it flopped back against the airway? 

I looked up the symptoms, and sadly, I have most of them. Unlike the articles I read, though, she and Shannon said weight wasn’t a factor. I’m not obese anyway. Close, but I’m not quite there. I also don’t snore loudly. I rarely snore and when I do it isn’t very loud.  The real frustration was the symptom’s similarities to perimenopause. If the peri isn’t causing the anxiety I’ve had, could it be sleep apnea? 

Tom suggested her putting the idea in my head triggered my shitty sleep and while that might’ve influenced it, I’m not so sure about that. I’ve been waking up frequently for a long time now, which is one of the symptoms, and while I don’t “suffocate” in my sleep regularly, I’ve woken up feeling like I have to suck in a deep breath many times. 

It mentions brain fog, anxiety, short-term memory loss, inability to lose weight, loss of libido, poor concentration, and so many other symptoms I can relate to. The scary thing is that it can lead to heart failure and strokes. 

I’ve had the runs and feel like I’ve been suffocating since I got up, though, which is a common symptom of both anxiety and heart failure. Heart failure is unlikely because I’m not coughing and congested. My lungs are usually clear. I’m probably just wound up. Maybe I’ll feel better when Tom gets up. I just wish I had more energy to motivate myself to be more active. I haven’t exercised at all today, though I did about 20 minutes yesterday. 

I also struggle with the non-24 sleep disorder and have the stress on me of struggling with that to make my many appointments, too. This leaves me tired and not feeling very refreshed at times. I think it’s time to mention the sleep and peri issues to Dr. A. It’s just that I don’t want to have yet MORE shit to deal with. Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is not to deal with it, but to just pull back, take a breath, and try to quit stressing about it. Unless it worsens, of course. I still sleep better when I’m on days and when I know I’m not alone, so that helps, too. Hopefully, I will fall asleep a little earlier and sleep more solidly next time around. Maybe I’ll take a lorazepam before bed. 

The waking up gasping I had written off as being fat or laying in a shitty position, but maybe it’s my pillow, too. Then I remembered my tummy-sleeping pillow and decided to try that instead of my gel memory pillow. My favorite sleeping position, unfortunately, is on my stomach and this cheap Walmart pillow keeps your neck aligned better. One of the tips said to avoid eating a lot before bed, and that sleeping on your back is best but that’s my least favorite position. I’m also going to try their recommendation of sleeping with a nose strip on as well. 

During one of those rare moments of sleep, I don’t know where we were, but Tammy walked into the room with someone else. I began to run to her to cry on her shoulder about possibly having sleep apnea, but she seemed to be suffering somehow, so I bit my tongue. 

Then Evie from aerobics came into the room to show me a huge picture book in which one of the pictures I supposedly took was featured. The person she was with then magically produced some old vinyl records and I told him I had nothing to play them on. 

Tammy then flicked her cigarette lighter and said, “I could get those to play with my lighter.” 

Then I was someplace warm. It was nighttime and I ventured outside from what seemed to be a small room in which I slept. It was very toasty warm out. Then I started to worry that when I shut the door behind me it would lock and I wouldn’t be able to get back in, but it opened ok. 

Later… 

Changed my u/n on Prosebox and went FO, but if Kim’s saved the link, then the name change won’t matter, unlike on Twitter where changing u/n’s means changing the link. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kim wasn’t on my-diary because she has no blocking power there. Still, I have taken the liberty of preventing her from victim-playing on every site I can without putting myself out. This means that my-diary, LiveJournal and Blogger will resume as usual, but since I’ll be sharing entries on Facebook, I won’t share Blogger links there. 

Really like how Notes look these days on Facebook where we can insert pics along the tops of the notes. Wish we could put pics across the strips of posts on Blogger in a similar style. My notes will be mostly visible to just Tammy. 

And no, Aly wasn’t playing with me. We exchanged texts and emails tonight, but as usual, she’s driving me crazy with her clinginess. I’m tired of her guilting me over the fact that I do have other things to do at times and can’t always just text, text, text. I’m sorry she’s suffering so horribly now (she was in the ER again) both physically and emotionally, but people really do get busy at times and they’re not just trying to brush her off. Just because I work at home, don’t drive, don’t socialize like crazy, and can’t keep a schedule doesn’t mean I still don’t have a life. I work. I clean. I learn. I have hobbies. I work out. I have a husband. I have pets. I live. 

The agreement was for us to keep in touch via email (editing there is so much easier for me) since she has the psychopath to text with, but now her computer will be in the repair shop until Friday. 

Anyway, I asked her not to say anything to Kim (no guarantees I’ll get my wish there), I was not only honest about my feelings about her, but about how Kim’s shit still gets to me. She said she appreciated my honesty, but couldn’t exactly thank me for it. 

Seriously, this shit with Kim is beyond asinine! This is SIX years after I decided for sure that I want absolutely NOTHING to do with her on account of her lies and delusions. Yet here she is all these years later still blocking me as if I’m the one following and contacting her. 

Aly said she’s afraid of me and that her older sister monitors her online activity which would explain why she hasn’t contacted me for years, but if she’s so afraid of me, why did she look in on me last night for nearly 3 minutes? 

Also, Aly claims she doesn’t know my Prosebox account, but I’m not sure I buy that. Maybe she had nothing to do with blocking me and it was all on Kim. That’s what stalkers do, after all. They harass and then block the people they harass, and then they collect whatever links and info they can on them. If Aly didn’t block me herself, since they both manage the fan accounts, then Kim either looked me up (I was using my first name) or she saved the link. I don’t think, however, that Kim follows my blog regularly on my-diary where there is no tracking like she used to, or that she normally disables cookies to follow me on other sites. Just in case, though, I make a point of not publically mentioning her or Molly and giving either troll the negative attention they get off on, though my guess is neither one has looked in on me in many months, other than Kim’s peekaboo from last night. Even if they both started reading me regularly, though, I’m not going private. I have too many followers. As long as I’m not contacted, that’s what matters most. 

Later… 

I slept wonderfully! I really needed that, too. I slept 10 long hours with no breathing issues and very few wake-ups. I never once had to get up and pee. 

On the downside, the God fantasy has found its way to our back door. Literally. As if it isn’t enough to have to listen to these annoyingly and very old stories of a “wonderful” God despite all the shit that goes on in the world! 

Some asshole slipped some religious crap in between the screen and the metal grid of the back door so I can’t get it out. Just like people one day came to be smart enough to realize that allowing women on ships didn’t really bring bad luck, I hope there will come a day when people will smarten up enough to get over the God trip and quit kidding themselves with that. Really, you can indulge in these fantasies and tell yourself what you want to hear/believe, but if it’s bullshit, is it really healthy and productive anymore than for an alcoholic to tell themselves they don’t have a drinking problem? Oh, right, I’ll just stop my thyroid meds and assume there’s some magical and invisible fantasy God that will wake up my thyroid all from the goodness of His heart just because he loves the shit out of me. Oh no, He’d never let anything bad happen to me or anyone else for that matter. No, He’s not going to just sit back and watch ISIS cut people’s heads off, or innocent children be beaten to death, or for people to die of horrible diseases, right? Right? 

Hey folks, reality is often scary to face. I get that. But the sooner we pull our heads out of the sand, the better off I think we’ll be. It’s one thing for children to pretend to have imaginary friends. One that considers them special and cares about them and always has their back. But adults are supposed to be smarter than that and know better! 

Hearing anything God used to annoy me, but these days it just pisses me off. I’ve totally lost tolerance for this shit and I admit it. So please… keep it to yourself, will you? You have a right to these fantasies if you feel they’re going to help get you through life, but remember, I don’t, ok? I prefer chocolate, the smell of lavender, soothing music, writing, etc. These fantasies are on you and you only. :) So please spare me your gods, your angels, your fairies, your elves, your unicorns, and all your other fictitious figures. 

What also pisses me off is that the park isn’t supposed to allow anyone to be soliciting this crap here, so what’s up with that? They must’ve slipped in when the gates were open. They’re open all day and nobody mans them.