“I will remember and recover, not forgive and forget.”

Awesome meme I just shared on FB.

The girls read my message but are in ignore mode. No problem. :) Now I don’t have to worry about them coming between Tammy and I. As I would tell anyone, though, once you walk out of my life you don’t get to come back.

They really are a couple of conceited, narcissistic, selfish bitches showing their true colors. I would tell them so if it weren’t for Tammy, not that they could see, understand, accept and admit their faults. They’re very Kim. In other words, they can do no wrong and the world must revolve around them and them only at all times.

Following my discussion with Tammy, I really got to missing country living big time. I got to thinking of the reasons one of us or both of us may like Florida or not like it. I thought of the pros and cons of remaining in some type of community vs going rural, as well as cold vs warm climates. My heart is in the country but my reality is the city, like it or not.

The climate I really want to live in is Hawaii but there’s no way we could ever afford that. Remaining in the city is definitely more convenient but damn do I get sick of the constant noise, used to it or not. I miss the peace, space and open skies.

It’s quiet now but at 1 a.m. I was hearing a symphony of sirens, helicopters and small planes. Anything could erupt at any minute. It just gets so old. I have never lived anywhere this noisy. Ever. I used to think Jesse’s mutts were absolutely horrible and while they were definitely plenty bad enough in themselves, I would take that back over this shit in a heartbeat because that would be simple enough to drown out with sound machines. I just miss having to deal with one or two sources of noise instead of a million.

I wish there was a way to know in advance how we might like or not like any particular climate or place but there’s no way to know this. I only know for sure that I would hate to be back in a climate like Klamath Falls or smack dab in the middle of Los Angeles or New York City.

We’ve really got to choose where we settle wisely because I don’t know that we could afford to get back out. Tammy and Mark are going to have a lot more money than we’ll have. That’s the impression I get anyway.

I do worry about the humidity and the bugs and possibly losing our place to a hurricane. I also wonder just how often thunderstorms may wake me up when I have issues sleeping so much of the time as it is. Motorcycles are even worse of a problem there than here and I have a feeling loud car stereos would be as well.

But maybe we would just love it so much in Florida that we wouldn’t mind the humidity and the bugs because we would always have AC and we could really bomb the place well. We just can’t know.

If after a few years of living in Ohio, Tammy loved it as much as she’s sure she’s going to - remember, life isn’t usually what we plan it to be as Florida showed her and Cali showed me - even if we could afford to get our own place on an acre or two, assuming that land wouldn’t be left and its natural state, Tom would have to mow the grass or whatever was around the place and I know he would hate that. I don’t think we could afford to hire anyone like they’re likely going to for their place.

I like that you could still have high-speed internet and not have to drive nearly an hour to civilization for shopping and things like that but I just don’t know if we should consider rural in any climate.

I also don’t know that I would like living so close to Tammy. Would she bug us a lot? Or no? There’s no way to know without actually living near her.

I just hate the fact that it’s basically a toss of a coin wherever we go. We’re either going to be happy there or not. It may not be 100% perfect and it may not be 100% bad but we can’t know what side of the coin will be leaning on until we get there and experience it. Also, things change. Tammy started off happy in her park until things went downhill. I can relate! Every single place I’ve ever lived in got progressively noisy whether it started off just a little noisy or more than just a little.

I can just imagine what our mother would say if the bitch was still alive. “I told you. I told you both to stay in the country.”

I remember before she died telling her that we were looking into an adult community and expected her to say something like, “Oh, good for you.” Instead, I was first greeted with silence. A disapproving kind of silence. Then, “I don’t think that’s right for you.”

Yeah, bitch, you were right on that one. But it’s what’s feasible for an aging couple that isn’t very sociable with people regularly looking in on us or that we could just dial up if we needed anything.

I love summer because I prefer to be sleeveless and barefoot but it also makes sleeping and working out hard.

If we were in a colder climate, working out and sleeping would be easier and it would likely make things quieter as well. But then it’d be back to long sleeves, bulky robes, coats, scarves, slippers, socks, etc.

So I see the potential good and bad in all the various possibilities.

I warned Tammy that excessive barking and loose dogs have always been an issue in rural areas for us but she’s sure they won’t be an issue there. People do tend to see dogs as pets in the east rather than live outdoor decor that you have to provide food and water for, but still, I know how noise-cursed I am in general. The house closest to us would leave the barking mutts outside round the clock. They would have the wild kids out screaming and maybe sometimes coming onto our land. We would get the neighbor with the loud car stereo and if I could hear music and dogs on a 10-acre parcel, we’d certainly hear it on a smaller parcel. Sounds travel, especially out in the country, and car stereos travel nearly half a mile no matter where you are. Plus, you have hunters and dirt bikes.

So as much as I yearn for the country so much of the time, this is what I’m used to and this is where I’ll stay. We’ll move to Florida and we’ll either like it or we won’t, and just like with this place, we’ll deal with whatever we don’t like. There is no perfect place and if there’s anyplace close, I’m not meant to be in it.

I also told myself that if I went to a place like Ohio, I would have to spend so much of the time cooped up indoors if it was cold and rainy a lot of the time but then we would probably be cooped up in Florida as well due to the heat and humidity. It’s not like we would spend all day at the pool or the beach anyway. So it does seem that all climates and whether or not you’re in the country or the city definitely have their pros and cons.

Later…

Coincidentally or not, the commercial planes have been quiet since I complained. Guess they’re back in north flow and hopefully they’ll stay that way for a while.

St. Martins. That was the country Tammy was considering. I knew she had told me about a year ago but couldn’t remember which country until I asked her yesterday. They decided against it, though, because it would be just as humid there. I pointed out that summers in Ohio would be humid too, but as she said it would only be for a few months a year and not seven or eight months like in Florida.

When Alexa told me the temperature would only be two degrees warmer at 8 as opposed to just after 3 when Tom was up and available to go walking with me, I suggested we go then because that way I wouldn’t have to deal with loud landscaping, traffic, dog walkers and all the other shit you get in the daytime here. Well, it’s a good thing I suggested we go then because he had scheduled the car to charge at a certain time and it didn’t because he screwed up the scheduling. He’s using an app now that is better and found a nearby charging station for if the charging cord were to crap out before we get a backup.

We took the car to a car wash on Sunday but not the kind you drive through. You do it yourself with high-power hoses and dryers and it’s open 24 hours a day.

We went to Rite Aid as well where I decided to try Barefoot Pinot Grigio and their Chardonnay. Not much difference really. For the most part, wine is wine. But I do prefer Rosé and Merlot. Picked up a case of Strawberita as well. Yes, I could do without it, but I do like those end-of-the-day drinks when I go to wind down.

OJ will never be the same again without caramel Vodka added to it. That much I can say for sure! My homemade caramel screwdrivers are divine.

Kind of funny how I’ve gone from almost never drinking to drinking nearly every day but I guess everyone has their vice and it’s only one drink. It used to be coffee and tea but now I don’t have much of that, especially in warmer weather.

It’s not going to be that warm today. It’s only to get to 70° and all the way down to 47° tonight which sucks. It’s pretty windy out there now, too. At least it’s better for sleeping and exercise.

I called to make an appointment with a new shrink and at first I was given one for the first. But not only do we not want to drive all the way to South Sacramento, the guy, who seems to have recently come from Michigan, is Indian. Nothing against them but I’m tired of having to deal with hard-to-understand accents. He also has a couple of negative reviews but I realize every doctor is going to get at least a few because no one can please everybody. Hell, Dr. O has some negative reviews about the way she can come off as condescending, bitchy and stern. They’re right, though, LOL, even though the last couple of times I saw her she was very nice and she’s a great doctor.

Anyway, I was able to keep my appointment with the lady shrink in late September but hopefully by then I’ll be breaking records with the anxiety and just a couple of weeks from being officially menopausal. Really don’t think medication is the answer right now or that it will do me much good with the way benzos stop working and SSRIs make me want to kill myself.

Yesterday marks 3 weeks without anxiety on the lower dose but the real test won’t begin until and if I can surpass 8 weeks. If I can stay calm that long, that will be a bit encouraging but I really have to get past 4 months in order to really start seeing a serious ray of hope. I can definitely say that my overall mood has improved tremendously.

The rats and pigs were out for a little over a half-hour. Blitz seems less bothered by the rats than Rockefeller. The pigs are spit bath whores and want to clean everyone and anything they can. But apparently, Rockefeller doesn’t appreciate being given a bath so he sometimes bonks them with his nose or kicks at them which in turn starts the rats’ sideling show. LOL, yeah, the pigs are kickboxers and the rats are sidelingers. So after a few bonks, kicks and then finally the teeth chattering, I pulled Rockefeller out and left just Blitz to hang with Fuzzy and Woody. I can tell the rats aren’t afraid of the pigs or else they would avoid them. But Rockefeller can definitely do without them.

Didn’t hear the loud car while I was up but as I was going to bed and turned on the sound machine I did hear some loud things going by but I can’t say for sure what they were. I may never live anyplace too peaceful but OMG, get me off of this busy street and just let me be able to sleep without earbuds hissing white noise at me. Well, I think this one is brown noise but still…

I’m pleased to hear that they’re hoping to eliminate the bail system here in California. As he and I both agree, this shouldn’t be allowed because this only gives rich people a chance to get a break that others can’t and that’s definitely not fair. There’s already enough unfairness in the legal system as it is.

What I also think they should start doing is paying back those found innocent who have done time. After I was vindicated, I received zero compensation. How fucking fair is that?

Loud car just came roaring in at 6:30 AM. Okay, I’m calling the office when they open. I’ve had enough!

Wished Christiane a happy birthday yesterday and she thanked me. How much you want to bet she won’t remember my birthday?

Being on opposite schedules, I haven’t heard much from Aly. I’m hoping she’s been feeling okay and that everything’s been better on the home front. So many blacks are such thugs that they really ruin it for the few good ones who are hard-working and law-abiding.

Oh, what interesting messages came in while I slept.

First, Tammy called wanting to work things out and saying she loves and misses me and has good news. Honestly, I’m not surprised. Our relationship as sisters has always been important to her and I do miss her too. It’s her narcissistic, selfish and often dramatic brats I wish she didn’t have around to complicate things. I love my nieces but I don’t like them. I’ll call her after she sees my FB message. Knew she wasn’t dying, though.

Next up was a call from Mercy (on a Sunday?) asking if I’d like an earlier appointment with the new shrink. It’s a he but I wasn’t impressed with the she doc, so not sure it matters so long as I can understand whatever foreign accent they’re likely to have. I don’t mind seeing him. I’m just not sure anyone can help. It’s also way too soon to know if it’s a dose issue, menopause, etc.

Lastly, I asked the Twenties if they knew anything about the punk with the loud car who’s back to living here but not sleeping here and that’s been coming and going twice a day. Carolyn said they have no clue, they’re just as frustrated, and I can fill out a complaint form at the office.

Yeah, I could, but we all know the office isn’t going to do shit. They just don’t do much to enforce rules here and I think these assholes see that, know they’re not going to get kicked out, and so he’s slowly moving his lazy ass back in. Might as well. Coming and going twice a day is enough like him living here, anyway.

After sending Tammy a message I listened/read her VM again and realized she said she had “big” news, not “good” news. If it’s not health-related, could one of the girls be expecting? Getting married? Both? Still think Becky’s gay and would be a bit surprised since they’ve always seemed very “modern.” Work comes first and foremost. But that could very well count as big news. My first guess would be Lisa since she’s 36 now and has been in long-term relationships before. Second would be Sarah, but overly tall, wide, aggressive women don’t win too many hearts over so easily. Living with your sister till you’re pushing 30 kind of tells me something right there, though these days it’s very common to marry later in life if you ever do at all. In 20 years from now, a 53-year-old who’s been married for nearly 25 years won’t be very common.

IDK, maybe they obtained a bunch of money somehow or are going to move to another country. I think it’s connected to her health or the girls, though. Should find out soon enough!

Now I just gotta hope Etta never tells them I contacted her. Eh, I’m not too worried about it.

She gets up early so she could be picking my message up anytime now since it’s almost 6am in Florida.

Later…

I’m getting a little tired because it’s been a long and busy day but I thought I would get some updating done now. If I have to finish this entry tomorrow, I will.

Tammy’s big news was definitely not at all what I expected. It was health-related but it’s what she’s going to do on account of it that surprises me.

She started off by telling me she’s been through hell with her sarcoidosis and fibromyalgia and how the constant heat and humidity there have been making things worse. Plus, she’s got allergies that don’t respond to nasal spray or anything. Mark had also become very depressed and she feels bad because moving to Florida was her dream. He went from making $27 an hour to $12 an hour and they’ve both suffered so much ever since they moved there nearly half a decade ago. Well, they’ve had enough and they’re going to move.

When I asked where they were going to move to she shocked the shit out of me and said Ohio. The Columbus area where my cyber friend Christine lives.

Not only does Mark’s brother Paul live there but at the men’s retreat he sometimes goes to, he became close friends with a guy named Dave. Dave lives in Ohio as well and told him all about these wonderful places there and a lot about the area. He’s offered Mark a job doing home construction and remodeling like he used to do in Connecticut. Mark just isn’t the type to sit at home all day despite being 68.

So Mark is there right now and is really impressed with what he’s seeing and learning about the place. It’s even cheaper than Florida there.

“But do you really want to go back to cold and snow?” I ask Tammy, knowing how much she always hated that.

She says that the area they’re thinking of getting one or two acres of land on is in a valley. Therefore, while they do get cold and they do get snow, they get a lot more rain than snow. She said they only really get a few inches of snow a year there.

She is also getting a taste of what I’m getting here. They’ve gone through 4 managers in her park and things have really gone downhill in a lot of ways. It’s become noisier to the point where she can now understand what I’m going through with people sitting there revving motorcycles and shit like that.

She was telling the manager about her plans to put signs up to sell her house which they want to do themselves rather than go through Zillow or anything like that, and the manager said something about her not being able to put signposts on her grass, even though she intends to put them in the lanai window. Then Tammy said, “What grass? You mean the grass that we pay for every month?”

She’s also had problems with some of the people there. She didn’t get into every single thing but Connie, a deaf 85-year-old, suffers from serious dementia. The woman has come over in her nightgown screaming at her at 1:30 in the morning and even her son who was living with her got so fed up that he left. She said the woman refuses to take medication or let anyone help her and there was some concern about her starting a fire using her oven and stuff like that.

Left with no choice, she called the cops on her during one of her screaming fits, and the cop was telling her son, “Hey, you can’t leave her alone in this condition.”

Tammy hated to do it, she said, but she got a two-year order of trespassing against the woman and was told to take her picture and call the police if she comes over screaming at her again.

Then she was at the pool one day and could clearly hear other neighbors talking about her and saying how she was yelling at this poor old lady. Tammy was upset and told them, “She’s deaf! I had to yell because it was the only way she could hear me.”

I told her that I do miss rural living as well but that we’re getting too old for that, especially with no family around.

“You have family,” she told me. Yeah, but not in the same town.

I totally believe that where there are people, there’s noise. Rural living may not be perfect but I do miss many aspects of it. Where she’s going to be isn’t so far away from civilization. From the way she made it sound, they can still get high-speed internet and they don’t have to rely on a well either.

Makes me wish even more that I was oblivious to cold climates if it’s even cheaper than Florida and you can get an acre or two with a house that’s fairly new for the 130K she says you can.

It’s tough cuz everything seems to have its pros and cons. I don’t mind rain but I don’t like cold/snow. I do worry about how the Florida humidity may affect me, though, plus there are bugs, gators and hurricanes to worry about. We’re still a long way from deciding anything, though.

Can’t wait to see how things go for her after she’s been there a while. She says the hardest thing will be leaving the girls who are going to remain in Florida for now but says it will be cheap enough to fly them to visit.

Tammy rambled on and on mostly about herself, as usual, but that’s just Tammy, LOL. Definitely missed our chats even though I prefer to keep in touch more on Facebook as I’m a very digital person compared to her. Missed sharing things with her, though. So it’s nice to be back in touch again.

She also had to get rid of Hunter because he was attacking people. He was part Chihuahua and part rat terrier. There was no change in him even after 8 weeks of training so he had to be returned. She now has a dog named Bella. She’s a Chihuahua and very loving and quiet. I didn’t hear a thing when we were talking. The other dog used to bark non-stop and it was very annoying.

I updated her on things like the Liothyronine experiment, our new pets, new car, etc.

I scrolled through her wall and she posted an article on Lady Gaga announcing that she too, has fibromyalgia, and we were both pretty disgusted by some of the ignorant comments she got. You can’t just “not let it get to you” or “move on” or “take Ibuprofen.” I have been met with the same ignorance regarding my circadian rhythm disorder. “Just set your alarm and get up at the same time every day.” Like, gee, I couldn’t have thought of that one on my own if that was possible? But yeah, I’m lazy and making excuses, according to some people. Amazing how many people think they have this power over you they don’t have. Like I would have to be afraid they would spank me or something if the truth really was that I was lazy and dared to say so? rolls eyes

Not only is Tammy the same chatty person who’s hard to get a word in edgewise, but she’s also still emotional, LOL. She was telling me that they threw Mark a farewell party at the nursing home he was working at and got all emotional because it was really nice. They were both emotional and very touched by the generous gesture. It sounds like it was wonderful from what she told me.

We ended up talking for 1 hour and 11 minutes and she didn’t say anything about Lisa other than that she’s spotted a gator during one of her visits and ran from the pool freaking out. Becky is working at Publix now and Sarah left Sears and is now with Ross.

I sent Becky and Sarah a message and while it appears that Becky saw it, she hasn’t replied. Don’t know if she’s just busy or if she’s gone Lisa on me but if she has, that would certainly make things easier. It’s other people that complicate things. I think I could get along with Tammy alone just fine. It’s others that sometimes get in the way and come between us.

She claimed to have no memory of the girls calling me out on some of my posts and I totally believe her because I know that she has way worse memory issues than I do. Her condition is worse than mine, it affects the memory worse than mine can, and she’s older.

But yeah, I almost wish none of the girls would want anything to do with me. It would just be so much easier that way.

My keyboard is dead and Aly is back to creating new accounts in which to spy on me. I just don’t understand what the hell she’s doing this for. Just what is it she’s hoping to see?

I blocked her, and if I’m right about that being her, I wonder if that was a mistake because sooner or later she’s going to catch on that I know she’s watching me and then blocking her and this may make her more suspicious. It isn’t that I want to hide anything from her. I don’t know what it is. I just know I don’t want her looking in on me or else I wouldn’t bother sharing via email. I guess that’s it, anyway. Her determination is annoying and making me a bit uncomfortable. I suppose I should be flattered but I don’t know that she’s so determined to check me out simply because she likes my writing or anything like that. I think she’s paranoid or suspicious for some reason and is seeing if she can catch me saying something I shouldn’t say. Oh, I’ve said plenty of things I shouldn’t say but I keep that private. She can read the whole story when I’m dead. She won’t like it, but she can read it.

In regards to that 10-year-old kid Linzee that was expelled, Aly insists she was being put down by teachers and students alike and that’s why she was lashing out and her parents aren’t fighting the expulsion.

Here’s another thing she won’t find me saying in public and that’s that apparently Nebraska is the only state left that has a problem with blacks because she and Cam are being harassed by neighbors who have supposedly done the same thing to some Asians that were living in the area. They egged Cam’s BMW, trampled some tulips that were planted by the previous owner, and gave her hell about leaving the dog out to bark.

They got cameras so hopefully they’ll catch the culprits since it’s unlikely they’re going to simply give up and decide to leave them alone.

Cam’s brother says it’s looking like the mice problem has been solved so hopefully they can return home. For now, she says they’re not running and will be there until October.

Mary F, who I believe is Nissan’s sister based on her bio and appearance, sent a message yesterday asking if she knew me since I’m showing up on her Messenger. I explained to her that once contact is established, you’re automatically connected on Messenger. I don’t know why that is but as I told her, she could just go ahead and block me if she wanted to.

Then I couldn’t resist fucking with her by saying she was on my friend list all of a sudden and so was Nissan. I knew she would run and tell Nissan who would automatically freak out. I blocked Mary after she blocked me and then I blocked all three of Nissan’s accounts. LOL

Tom fixed my favorite windchime and successfully blocked the rats from getting behind the dishwasher and fridge with blocks of foam. Well, more like styrofoam. They were out for a while and then Woody surprised me by going home on his own. They spend most of the time out piggy peeping, haha.

I was watching a documentary on the Pam Smart case. I’m familiar with the case but I watch a lot of true crime stuff anyway. Funny how the condo she had her husband killed in was 4E. I’ve always found the number 4 to be very unlucky, as is a popular belief amongst Asians.

I was thinking about the medication/anxiety experiment I’m doing and while it’s still way too soon to know if this is going to tell me anything new, I can’t help but wonder about some things. If there really is anything up there that plans what happens to us, it’s almost like something wants me to be hypo. If that’s the case, why? What benefit do I get by remaining hypo? Or better yet, what punishment is there in it? To keep me fat? Only problem is that while I would be healthier if I was thinner, I don’t see being fat as a “punishment” because I’m not as self-conscious as a lot of people. I accept myself as I am…a typical older, warm-blooded creature. Besides, suddenly having normal thyroid numbers doesn’t mean I would drop weight. Look at how many older people are fat. They don’t all have bum thyroids.

I should be out in this beautiful weather walking right now but I’m being lazy tonight. I’ll be doing my walking through stores in the morning if that counts. At least it’s by choice and I’m not forced to lay low because I’m tired.

The planes were quiet yesterday morning and I haven’t heard much tonight, so yeah, I like them in the south flow they say they’re in 70% of the year.

Whatever was keeping the punk with the loud car away for those weeks is done and over with and they’re back to their daily visits. They seem to be coming in twice a day and basically living here without sleeping here. I still get the impression they can’t hold a job and are mooching off their enabling parents. Punk hadn’t even been gone 12 hours before I heard it come roaring in this morning as I was reading myself to sleep.

Along with a vision that Trump will NOT be reelected (yay), this is the first time I actually got a reply in regards to my airplane complaint. They said: We have been in North Flow for the past several days. Your location receives more frequent overflight by aircraft departing from SMF when we are in North Flow.

I looked at the flight maps and I can see where they would go over Citrus Heights when in a northerly flow. When they’re in a southerly flow that makes the nighttime bad yet it appears they don’t go over Citrus Heights at all when they’re in a southerly flow, at least according to their map. I can see where Natomas would get slammed no matter what. So glad we didn’t end up there!

What the hell was that metallic rattle I just heard? In the heater? The vents? Whatever that was that made the sound was likely bigger than a mouse.

Anyway, all I know is that before last September the planes weren’t a problem. Why can’t they go back to flying wherever the hell it was they were flying then? They only gave me their flight map. They’re not saying they’re actually going to do anything about it so their maps really don’t matter. They need to stop flying over my fucking head!

And we need to be careful when choosing the next place to live. Can’t do anything about most noise problems like loud traffic but we can get further away from the airport. I compared our old house in Phoenix to Sky Harbor Airport and then our house here to this airport and we’re not nearly as far from it as I thought we were. Sky Harbor was 66 miles from our Phoenix house. Sac International is just 15 miles away from this house.

I still love entertaining the fantasy of growing an arm long enough to reach up and swat them out of the sky, as well as wishing the guy with the voices in his head would be told to use them for target practice.

Although briefly, the water was off yesterday evening. Tom got a text saying they were going to turn the water off at 11 yesterday afternoon but I don’t think they ever turned the water off because the water didn’t spit air at me when I got up and used the toilet and sink.

The pigs were so funny. I couldn’t hear the timer go off which I set in the kitchen after taking my meds and going into the bedroom because I had the fan on. But the pigs sure heard it and let me know, LOL.

I was definitely no neglectful rodent mom today. :) I pulled the pigs’ liner out and replaced it with regular bedding and I also relined the top level of the rats’ cage. While this was taking place they were all playing together in the pen. So cute! A lot of work but cute. Gotta wash their accessories as well. Most of those I usually just run through the dishwasher after I rinse them in the sink.

At 7:30 I heard the loud car come in. By 10:30 I realized I never heard it leave so I went to see if it was still here. I was just contemplating telling the punk to get a muffler when he jumped in and took off.

As I was coming back around the circle, I could see that Bob and Virginia’s place was dark and I knew they were asleep.

A few minutes later, the paramedics came and I thought uh-oh! Especially since their place was now lit up. So I went over there and peered through the storm door and saw Virginia sitting in her chair. I wondered why the paramedics weren’t tending to her and for a minute I thought maybe something was wrong with Bob and they were in the bedroom.

Then she spotted me, waved me in, and gave me a hug. The paramedics were here for Ralph, the guy at the “stroke house.” Didn’t know his name before now. I guess he called them and Virginia didn’t like being woken up. She said that his two kids need to take better care of him or something to that effect because they were sound asleep, and well, Bob was over there while we talked.

I didn’t stay long because it was late but I did ask if they pulled her off her thyroid meds and she said no. She has lost a lot of weight but not so much in the stomach. She looks incredibly old but who wouldn’t in their mid-80s?

She asked how I was doing and I told her I was better and that I cut off about 16 inches of hair. She said. “I know,” after telling me the same thing she tells me every time I see her… She asked Bob where Jodi was. LOL

Their place is absolutely gorgeous, immaculate, and sparsely decorated. I could dust the whole house in five minutes.

Oh, the paramedics just took him away. Hate seeing fire/ambulance trucks. They don’t exactly bring back fun memories…heart booming…running down the hall…trying to steady my fingers to dial 911…get the door open, gotta get the door open…what’s your space number?…I don’t know…what color are you?…white…don’t eat or drink anything until help arrives…

Shudders

I’ve now been anxiety-free for 2 weeks and 2 days. If I make it to May 6th, that’s entering the “critical” zone where the real testing begins. If I can beat May 20th, that’s really, really good. August will be the first real ray of hope albeit a faint one. That will double if I make it to September. October and we’re going out celebrating! It would be a double victory with menopause and breaking records with the anxiety.

And then I remind myself how this sounds way too good to be true. :( If there’s anything that doesn’t make sense about it being the dose it’s those months I had little to no anxiety. The brand could very well still be an issue, though. If it does turn out that it’s not the dose, then my chances went up that it is hormonal changes. But then so does the possibility of it being a permanent disorder I got hit with. Only time will tell! Wish I could snap my fingers and have it be October but I don’t want to skip summer either.

My heart’s been elevated a bit more and I don’t know if that’s because I’m low on thyroid or what.

It’s a good thing I took care of the fish by replacing his water completely, changing his filter, and scrubbing algae off the filter and heater, before I went on the quick bike ride I went on because it seemed to take a lot of energy out of me. Went down to the lake and back and then around the circle. I went so fast it’s hard to believe I wasn’t close to 25-30 MPH. Fortunately, there was no traffic. I just wish people wouldn’t park so damn close to the speed bumps.

Didn’t hear that loud car yesterday but I heard it come in for a few minutes after I got up and then I heard it leave.

It’s been very warm. Close to the 90s but it’s supposed to drop into the low 70s soon.

The planes have been quieter these last couple of nights. Heard one when I was returning from my bike ride but yesterday morning sucked. So much for hoping that since I couldn’t hear the freeway I wouldn’t hear them. Makes sense, though, since the planes are overhead. The freeway’s not.

I’m not going to put up with this shit for another half a decade. There’s got to be someone who will listen to me and as one complainant said, there’s got to be a better way. Yeah, like flying wherever they were flying before last September. This is just ridiculous. One article talked about 20 jets flying over between 5:45 to 7:30 and that sounds about right. That’s when they’re at their worst as well as late at night, although you do hear them in the daytime as well. Just not as much because sound travels better late at night and early in the morning.

There’s got to be someone willing to do something about it. But so far all I do is get ignored. I’ve filled out complaint forms, complained on Twitter, been given the runaround when I called the damn airport…yet no one responds in any way shape or form.

It really sucks when you’re this far inland because they can’t take off over the ocean like they usually do unless weather conditions forbid them to. But where were they going before last September?

All these people seem to care about is themselves. It’s like they’re going to do whatever they’re going to do and to hell with everyone else and those it may affect. They’ve obviously agreed to ignore anyone who complains since I’ve gone through 3 different channels trying to get help or at least some info just to be blown off. Still, there’s got to be something that can be done.

Last night I went out walking when it was around 71°. Was out there for a half-hour until shortly before 11. Skunks really like to hang out in back of the house across from the Twenties. I saw one sitting on the retaining wall.

The smell of jasmine is more present in the air. It’s gorgeous.

Had a dream I got a dentist closer to home. So close I walked there and waited in a fairly spacious waiting room. When I was called in, a young woman with long straight light brown hair was looking up something on the computer. It had to do with info I sent them before my first appointment. She asked me how I managed to organize it so well. I said something about building my own template.

Then I was sitting in the exam chair when I turned to look at a couple of women in the doorway questioning whether or not I needed x-rays. Then, as if I suddenly remembered I said, “Oh, yes. I did have x-rays recently because I remember Holly telling me they looked good.”

For the second time in less than a week, they fucking turned the water off, although briefly.

Remembered, found and blocked a PB account of Aly’s from 2013 when she didn’t exactly have the kindest of things to say about me, but also admitted she was a liar who needed changing. This was when I caught her lying about being friends with Molly. She was right in saying that while she shouldn’t have lied, it was her right to choose who she was friends with. In my mind, I was only warning her for her own good, but mistake to be friends with her or not, it was always her mistake to make.

But was I really as focused on being as negative as she said I was? Yeah, I guess I could be at times, but as Andy would probably say, I was only looking out for her. Or at least I thought I was.

Don’t remember emailing to ask if she’d dumped me if I wouldn’t hear from her for a week, but maybe I did…and didn’t realize this was offensive to her either, but as I’ve long since learned, Aly’s pretty sensitive. You just never can know what might offend her. Who’d have thought such an innocent word as “busy” could trigger her? But it does. So I try to aim to please while still being myself as well.

I’ve also long since learned that anyone can dump us at any time for any reason. I don’t know if she’ll dump me or if I’ll dump her or we’ll be friends forever. I know never to count on or assume anything either way and to just enjoy what time I have with those in my life. But if she or anyone else ever does exit my life again - that’s it. I will not question their decision nor will I try to get them back.

One of Aly’s nanny kids is an adopted Chinese girl named Linzee. Her parents are lesbians. She’s been kicked out of school for foul language but what do the parents do? They don’t fight it. Instead, they send her to another school.

And expect her not to repeat her behavior?

As I told Aly, kids are terrible these days and most of that is the parents’ fault since they don’t discipline them. Most of what these little shits do today was totally unheard of when I was a kid.

I Google myself every now and then just to see what comes up. I see one of the libelous articles I was mentioned in has been deleted. I’d like to think it was because it was false and misleading with its How Many More People Have to Die? title when no one in my case was killed, number one. And number two, I was never charged with a hate crime, which was what the article was about. I’m kind of surprised the courts didn’t call it that since nothing else they called it was correct. I never stalked anyone and it was never about hating them because of their color.

Anyway, I’d like to think that’s why it was removed but more than likely it was simply moved to another location. That’s okay. They can keep their bullshit online because mine is going to be out there right along with theirs someday. :)

Slept great (with earbuds) and continue to be in good spirits and feel well in general. Just a touch lightheaded today.

I usually gather the pigs’ liner by the corners, take it outside, dump shit and hay from it into the pail, then shake it by the cypresses to get out smaller bits of hay and fur. So after dropping shit all over the fucking place and having to sweep it up, the 4 of them played in the pen. So cute! Made a quick vid of it.

Fuzzy was so adorable, as usual, and wanted to play with me as well as run around, unlike his antisocial bro. He can still fit through the bars of the pen but Woody’s so big now he can barely squeeze through.

Wow, my sweet potato smoothie came out AWESOME! All healthy ingredients: Sweet potato (gotta zap it for 5 mins first), milk, banana, vanilla extract, maple syrup, and a pinch of cinnamon. ;)

I’ve switched the smart plug in the bedroom by the bathroom to operate the fan rather than the air cleaner since we should now be entering summer. Shouldn’t need the heat anymore this year. I hope not, anyway! It was nearly 90° today. Love it! Should warm the pool up soon. Looking forward to the dryness too, since it shouldn’t rain other than maybe a sprinkle or two for the next 5-6 months.

Tom pumped my bike tires up before he went to bed. They’re supposed to have 40 lbs of pressure but the front one was down to 24 and the back to 26. Made sure my lights and everything were working as biking can be more dangerous than driving in some ways. I know some of my readers have never gone bike riding or had any interest but I totally recommend trying it at least once! It’s something you’ll either fall in love with right away or you’ll find it terrifying and never want to do it again, LOL. Me, I love the speed. I’d never get on a motorcycle but I love coasting down these hills. I only hate it when I have to come back up them.

But yeah, you gotta be careful. You can’t always stop in a split second if need be, and if you hit something at just 10 MPH or even less, you could be seriously hurt. Hell, even just starting off when you’re this short can be tricky so I like to start downhill since I gotta step down on the pedal and jump up onto the seat at the same time. I can’t place both feet flat on the ground while sitting on the seat. Only my toes touch the ground when I’m seated.

Anyway, because I was alone and it was dark, I stuck to the circle and made a few rounds as I get more into riding shape. Around midnight I may go out on foot. Definitely going to work my arms and core inside tonight. When I was out there it was such a beautiful night. The temperature was perfect and there was no traffic or anything. Just some bugs and webs I rode into.

The last hour or two before I get ready to read myself to sleep I sometimes get bored because I no longer have the energy to do anything all that constructive but I’m not ready to get into bed. So I sometimes wander through YouTube vids. I was browsing some language vids and came across this woman giving Norwegian lessons. It’s not as ugly or as difficult as German from what I can tell but the letter ø sure sounds goofy as hell, LOL. But I enrolled myself in Duolingo’s Norwegian course and maybe I’ll dabble in it periodically. I’m not going to take the language as seriously as I took Spanish, Italian, German and ASL, though. It’ll be sort of like my Dutch, Esperanto, and Portuguese; a reader language if I study enough of it.

My story is now over 13K words even though I already hit my word count goal.

Carolyn shared a photo of the lake on Facebook and in one of her comments, she was telling someone that one of the best things they ever did was move here almost three years ago. So they do like it here and they don’t plan to move?

Even though I slept better last night I’m tired today. Gave Fuzzy a little attention in the morning yesterday but wish I could give him more. As much as I love these animals, I still sometimes regret getting them only because I don’t have the energy to give them as much attention as I’d like. But at least I gave him and the pigs some, and hopefully tonight I will be able to muster up a little more energy so we can run around together. At least I’m able to give them the most important things and that’s food, water, and a decent place to live.

According to Twitter, I’m far from the only one who’s getting fed up with all these fucking planes. The people in Natomas have it worse because they’re closer to the airport. But we’re not and that’s why I still don’t understand why they’ve been flying over us so much. I guess someone in Sacramento is also unhappy because they hearted a tweet I left for somebody else.

The thing is that they obviously don’t give a shit. Never once have I gotten a reply apologizing for the annoyances, saying they’re working on changing things, or anything. Instead, I have been completely ignored which shows how little Sac International cares about the people their racket affects. There’s got to be somewhere else they can go where they’re less bothersome because they were wherever that was before September, after all.

I wish I could rid myself of some things that bother me which I know are totally pointless like who sees my blog. First of all, I’m not doing anything wrong. Second of all, there is nothing on me anywhere that anyone could use against me. I’m not a convicted murderer. I’m not a registered sex offender. I’m not looking to impress anyone. I’m not looking for a job. I’m absolutely positively boringly ordinary other than having a rare birth defect and a rare sleep disorder, but even that can’t be used against me in any way that could directly affect or harm me. So what’s my problem then?

The most “offensive” thing I could ever say in my blog is that I absolutely do not support Muslims in other countries. But it’s not like anyone can come and shoot me for it or arrest me or anything like that so I don’t know why it’s so hard to bring myself to go public and enjoy the fun that goes with that. I used to love being surprised by all kinds of people and comments, both positive and negative. But if anyone in Arizona is watching me, just the thought of them reading that I just brushed my teeth makes me feel horribly exposed and paranoid. Am I just being silly? Or do I have every reason to feel that way? One of the people involved in legally screwing me was a pig so I would think that even if I was 100% private, they could still find out what was going on with me if they really wanted to. They could hack me without my knowledge. If you know how to hack or if you could find out how to as easily as I think the bastard could, then you’re going to pretty much learn everything there is to know about me even if, once again, there really isn’t anything that top-secret or exciting to learn unless the day of my last orgasm counts.

One thing I’m definitely through with when it comes to blogs and stories, private or not, is worrying about people’s fragile little eggshell feelings. I’m tired of looking up names and words to make sure they’re not offensive. While there’s no need to deliberately offend anyone, I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. I’m just not. So since I’m not the Feelings Police, I would rather just write what I want and allow people the freedom of not reading it if they can’t handle it for some reason. Besides, just because a certain word or name may be okay now doesn’t mean it won’t be deemed offensive later on. Yeah, that’s another thing that drives me crazy is racism being seen in every fucking thing these days. Something’s okay for 5 minutes and then it’s not. Then you’ve got things that have existed for centuries and suddenly they’re a no-no. Really feel like some people are determined to tear down our history and I wonder when we’re going to stop jumping to every beck and call and stop allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of. People do whatever they know they can get away with. As long as people know they can walk on others to get ahead in life or just because they can, they will. So if some people aren’t going to stop whining and complaining about every little thing, perhaps we need to put our foot down at some point soon? Hell, even Steve would be downright ashamed by how so many of his people are carrying on!

I’ll never understand why we live in such a word-sensitive world. If you’re a child who’s young and impressionable, sure. I can see that. But adults should be smart enough to know that words aren’t bullets, knives, swords or torches. I read shit I don’t like all the time and what do I do? I move on. Period. And when I tuned into Beyonce’s Homecoming documentary just to find it’s mostly a black pride/power rant as talented as she otherwise is, I moved on from there as well. Yes, the double standards do still annoy me but I don’t see equality ever becoming a reality. I’m not “proud” of my color because I did nothing to achieve it, but I guess that’s a good thing since, unlike Beyonce, that would be horribly racist of me, right? Is that fair? Absolutely not. But I try not to let it get to me too much since I don’t see change on the horizon anytime soon.

I was doing my own whining the other day to Tom when I bitched about blacks never being happy and all that with the statues we gotta tear down after hundreds of years, and as usual, he seemed bothered that I was bothered, saying that these things don’t affect us directly.

No, but blacks have affected us as we saw in Arizona. Now, I may not be nearly as compassionate, bothered, empathetic, emotional, kind - whatever - as most people are, but what they did to me really changed my outlook on them as a whole. So when I hear them making selfish and or hateful demands and complaints, yes, I do wanna slap them.

I shouldn’t bother him with what bothers me as much because it truly does seem to trigger him a bit. Maybe he doesn’t realize or means to but he does seem to, if not literally defend, play down or excuse some people/things.

Being on 50s may make me tired but at least it’s looking like I won’t have to worry about my weight going up. Despite the drop in cals, it’s not going down either, as I knew it wouldn’t. I would still have to starve myself to lose so I’m glad I’m not as appearance-obsessed as I was at 16.

I’ve been lazing off on my story so I need to get back on with it tonight. It was 87° today so I’m waiting for it to cool down before I go out walking. Then I’ll head out on foot since my bike tires need to be pumped up. Chains and lights need checking, too. The last thing I need is faulty brakes going downhill at 20 MPH and having a skunk or possum dart out in front of me.

Made a chocolate-banana-peanut butter smoothie last night as well as a chickpea and greens smoothie. Today it’s strawberry banana with coconut milk.

LOL, I’m being paged for my waitressing services. Time to go serve up that romaine. :)

Had to look up “vanilla relationship” as my much younger bestie is obviously smarter than me (she used the term). I guess those who have a typical sex life have vanilla relationships. So if you’re into BDSM or you have a cumless hubby, you’re not exactly vanilla. What are you then?

Fuck! The loud car just left. Good thing I slept with the buds cuz they’re probably back to their morning and afternoon visits. It sucks cuz it shows that once again they’ve probably lost or quit their job and have too much time on their hands yet plenty of it to mooch off of mommy & daddy.

Was going to post the above at 7:30, but goofed off on WhatsApp with Aly, then went out for my walk.

Thought the clubhouse closed at 6, but at 8:30, I saw people playing cards at card tables.

Definitely wanna stick to adult communities. No, they’re not peaceful but not only do I wish to escape the almighty freeloading off-brand but the screaming kids I heard, along with their yapping mutt, and this totally obnoxious cricket machine as well. The frog machine I heard further up the road was okay but the way too fast screeching of crickets was annoying as were the planes.

Not only will I never return to the race card games and put myself at risk of becoming a second-time reverse discrimination victim, but I also won’t take back the brats and mutts either. Loud music, blowers, mowers, trimmers, saws, power tools, hammers, motorcycles, loud cars/trucks, projects, roadwork and planes are enough.

Fucking traffic woke me up a few hours after crashing. It’s partly my fault, though, since I didn’t insert my earbud when I crashed.

While I slept, Tom worked in the storeroom and on different things outside. He said a highway patrol car came and went around the circle as if looking for someone. Guess someone got stopped on the freeway and then bailed or something.

Was gonna hang out in the living room tonight but nah. I’m too tired to entertain the rats and I really don’t want to listen to bass booming down the freeway as is more common on warmer nights.

I have my “happy” light on in the bedroom but no energy to work out. I think I’m gonna call it a lazy night since I’m tired due to the sleep disturbance. Took me an hour to fall back asleep. It was probably that loud car that I heard leave (at least I hope it was leaving) just before 8pm. Really hope the bastard doesn’t return to regular visits.

The Twenties returned from wherever they just went for the last week or so and had lots of company but they were quiet. Wouldn’t even know they were there had I not seen them.

So as I said, not doing much tonight. But hey, I deserve a night/day off every now and then, right? This is why I try to work out every day that I can; cuz I know I’m going to have tired days. Really hope I catch up on sleep, though, as I don’t want to take too many nights/days off. Plus, I want energy to clean a bit and play with the furballs.

So glad we’re at this time of year so I can look forward to the next half a year or so of outdoor exercise. Should be done with the rain for about 6 months, too. I think I’ll mostly bike by day and walk by night for variety. I can go out in higher temps on the bike than I can on foot. Some nighttime rides would be nice too, cuz while I can’t see as well, at least there are fewer people in the way at night.

As I was lying by the fan cooling off from yesterday’s power walk, I was thinking about how I was going to take the bedroom curtains with us when we move, but I don’t think I will. We don’t know what windows we’ll have and by then a change will be due anyway. The magenta curtains contrast nicely with the mint green walls but since we won’t be painting the next place and there’s no reason this quilt can’t last for many years to come, I was thinking I’d get curtains that go more with it better than these do. So lavender or medium purple. LOL, yeah, I’m always looking ahead.

I’ll still go with blackout curtains, but instead of shades, I want those wooden shutters. Not wooden blinds like what I hope to get for other windows, but shutters that join in the center when closed. Those should keep it dark for sleeping but make it easier to open and let daytime light in when I want it.

Okaaaay…we may not be able to regulate the world’s insanely loud car stereos so easily, as Tom was explaining since amplifiers are everywhere and all that, but the park can and should ban them right along with the motorcycles. One just went by the bedrooms, bass pounding, and headed down to the other side of the circle. No excuse for that here. This is an adult community. Not the ghettos.

Going through the headlines…bananas may become extinct? I hope not! I have them nearly every day. They’re a great source of energy (usually), potassium and more.

Got the usual people causing the usual trouble. Whiny blacks determined to destroy our history and tear things down that have existed without issue for years. How much longer are we going to give in to their every beck and call and allow ourselves to be taken advantage of?

Also in the news, Muslims being Muslims, this time blowing up churches in Sri Lanka.

“I never wanted that mansion on the hill. I never needed that Cadillac Seville…” sings Marie Osmond in one of her songs.

Well, I’ll take the mansion on a hill, but the Cadillac Seville is now gone. It was taken before I got up. Tom said the guy just drove it onto the ramp, took a couple of minutes to strap it down, and that was it. He thinks it’ll probably be auctioned off to a junkyard for $150 or so. Luxury cars just don’t have the value they used to. That’s how we could get away with driving one for half a decade, older and used or not.

Tom really likes how Candy is so much lighter since gas car engines weigh a lot and make it like you’re carrying a few people around with you at all times.

I think it’s neat how it can sense if someone’s sitting in the passenger seat. If it can’t, it won’t deploy the airbag on that side in the event of an accident, but I’m guessing all cars have this feature now.

Anyway, thank you, Caddy, for freeing up some carport space and for 5 years of fine service till your “bladder” went to hell and your transmission got a little funky. You took hubs to and from work for years and me to a million appointments. Mostly due to that fucking anxiety that I may or may not have found the off switch for.

Still don’t want cutting my meds to be the solution but I also want a solution. Any solution! It’s still way too soon to know if this is it, though. Yes, it makes the most sense but there are things that make me wonder. If 75s was too much for me then why didn’t I have nearly as much anxiety from late August 2017 to early January 2018? And why didn’t I have this particular feeling before December of 2016?

It may be too soon to know anything either way, but I was wrong in thinking the Amberen was the problem, then there was the liothyronine experiment that was a bust, so I guess it’s safe to assume I’m wrong about the dose being the fix and that I’ll get “stabbed” with adrenaline within a month or two. At least when I find out I’m wrong it won’t be as disappointing as finding out the Amberen didn’t have anything to do with it. I didn’t need the Amberen but I do need more of this medication.

Didn’t go out walking yesterday but went in the late afternoon today before the gnats could take over. The sun was a little blinding depending on what direction I was facing but no one stopped me along the way. I power walked for 23 minutes. The temperature was perfect too.

The planes were surprisingly and wonderfully quiet last night but they’re back to being an annoyance as I figured they would be. So I have the air cleaner drowning some of it out until after midnight. Don’t know why I can’t just get used to them once and for all. Been going on since September.

Big mistake going to KFC today for a cod basket. Oh, the food was delicious. Well, the fries weren’t as crispy as I’d like but it was good overall. But stupid because it’s so unhealthy. The fries aren’t good for my LS and after I ate everything, plus a mini cake, I was so tired. Just when I’ve been feeling so good since getting my NutriBlender, too! My mood has improved tremendously and so have my energy levels since turning much of my diet into smoothies. So, big mistake as good as it was and definitely not one I’m going to make again. KFC service is pretty hit-or-miss anyway. I’m surprised there were any workers from here since these types of places usually hire foreigners and illegals who don’t know much English.

Anyway, I later made a smoothie with a banana, blueberries, raspberries, mixed spring greens, and coconut milk and that perked me up enough to go out on my walk.

Maliheh was in my dreams last night. We were both single and I was suggesting we get married for insurance reasons much like in my book, even though we didn’t seem to have an interest in each other.

Ugh, the thought of that sends chills down my spine! I’m so sorry I ever wasted a moment talking to that heartless bitch. If I was single and she came begging to be my girlfriend, I would never consider any kind of a relationship with her whatsoever. From now on I don’t forgive or forget. You dump me (be it for a reason you share with me or by ghosting me), I will never again try to change your mind or let you change mine and it won’t matter how much history we may have either. I’d rather miss the good times than be sucked into what may very well be the same old shit all over again like with Andy. I’ll always love and miss him, but I never liked him, and with him being who is and set in his ways, I don’t see how I ever could.