I have spoken with Ma and Tammy both and have made a very final and definite decision. I’m moving to CT. I feel way too isolated here and have no way to save up for my goal. The expenses are just too high and it’s been the ultimate struggle of my life. There’s no bus line and Kim’s got her own life and is always very busy. I have no one and nothing. I’d hate to be involved with too many things and too many people cuz that’s how you get burned. On the other hand, when you’re completely isolated you’re safer, but you go insane.

I have to return to court on October 4th and if that’s not my final court date, I’ll just leave and say fuck it. Yes, I’ll lose any chance of ever recovering some or all of my tapes as well as my $80 answering machine, but I’ve got to split ASAP, and Andy can replace some of the tapes. Also, I wouldn’t want to, but I can live without an answering machine and can always get a new one someday. Plus, even if the DA were to say right this second, “Give Jodi O her tapes back and everything else you have,” they’re only gonna fuck with them by breaking them or conveniently losing them. sighs I’m so sick of people taking and breaking my things.

I will miss this apartment, and according to Tammy, the apartment they looked at is small but it’s a 2-bedroom, modern apartment where your heat is included. I hope I get the heat I pay for. I did with Carabetta and from what I heard they have that kind of heating system Carabetta had. No old fashion radiators. Also, it’s wall-to-wall carpet with laundry rooms and even an elevator. Since I don’t do first floors I guess I have my choice of second and third. If the third floor’s the highest, that’s what I want. So, as Tammy’s said, it’s small but at least I’ll have my family, a bus line, more things to do, and I’ll be typing for her for $30 or $40 a week and can save to leave the east coast.

I spoke with Andy the other night who made calls and he also blared some of the edits through the phone into my speakerphone and into my boom box. God, I’m so pissed just knowing only 10% of the material on all those will be recovered! All the time and money I spent on those tapes. Tapes that were totally blank. Songs from other people’s tapes I don’t have. Nervous and Fran convos I’ll never have again, crossings, and the list goes on. I’ll never trust anyone again and from now on anything private or personal is to be disguised to a T. I’m still so paranoid to write my own fucking life, thoughts and feelings in this journal, terrified that someone somewhere will, take, steal or destroy it.

I hate people, man! I hate fucking people! If I ever do meet new friends or eventually was able to settle for a so-so-looking woman in 10 years how can I ever trust them? No matter what she looked like, if I met a woman, how am I ever gonna handle it after Maliheh and all the others that fucked me over or just weren’t that great? How can I ever trust again? How can I ever believe or be confident in anyone again? How can I ever even have sex again? How can I ever get involved without pushing that person away? How can I get involved without running away scared? How can I ever have confidence in myself in a part-time relationship like I do as someone’s friend? How? How? How? How? How? How? How will I ever be able to handle a compliment without doubting the person? Will anyone be able to say they like or love me with me being able to believe them? Will I ever be able to trust anyone?

I think that over the last year after experiencing what I have and knowing what I do now I’ve come to know and accept that none of the above will ever happen. Even though 5% of the time I still wish I could have just one night with someone attractive. Someone I feel that sexual spark with. The type of character I usually can never get, I’ll never have sex again if my only choice is the same ongoing pattern. Never again is sex gonna be a boring chore. No spark, no sex. Just like with singing. No singing, no big 40-hour-a-week job.

Later...

Well, I managed to stay up until noon yesterday as I got my schedule screwed up again after 3 weeks. I only slept until 6 PM, though, as I woke up to the sound of Kim running her bathwater. My bathroom’s right across from the bedroom. And directly behind my bathroom is hers.

Tomorrow I was gonna go to the Big E with her but since I’ll never be able to go to bed and get up at 9:00 which is when she wants to leave, I won’t be going. She wants to stay till 4:00 or 5:00 which is much too long to need or want to be there. 3 hours or so would be different. Plus, she’s backed out on me so many times before that I don’t feel bad about it, and I said I’d do to those what they do to me from now on. Within reason, that is.

Now, I’m contemplating and toying with the idea of doing my writing in notebooks from now on. I’m not sure yet. Notebooks are cheaper and they’re easier to write in as the pages stay open better. Journals like these are more expensive but much prettier, durable and they’d last longer. Would I want to invest more money into something that very well may be taken away or stolen or something like that?

After being in Brattleboro and Valleyhead, remember how I said I’d always fantasize about being invisible? I’d lay in bed at home in Longmeadow late at night wishing I could snap my fingers and be there invisible. Once there, I’d go up to everyone who treated me like dirt and slap them upside the head. Well, now I wish I could be invisible and soundless, meaning if I screamed, talked or laughed no one would hear. Also any object I touched could become invisible if I so desired it to. If I could make this fantasy a reality for one single day I’d go to the police department and get my stuff, then go to any restaurants I could and steal the tips. I’d also be able to go to wherever my mother and other people I don’t like are and either punch them or just poke at their faces. Maybe rearrange a few items too. I’d also make sure I did this while someone else was there to see them freak out and think they’ve lost their minds.

Later...

I spoke with Jessie earlier about CT and she said she’ll definitely get those suits mailed out and see me in CT, if not here. I hope she puts enough postage on the envelope as I can’t afford to pay the difference. I’ll also get in touch with Steve, Jai and Paula. I won’t even bother to give my new number and address to Jimmy who I had a great talk. He got caught drunk driving so he lost his license and may also be doing jail time so he won’t be able to. He tried calling me but dialed the wrong number. Hank, I have not heard from in ages and when I call he never answers. Fran, I won’t bother with after I move. He changed his number like he does every other month which he had given to me over the phone. He either gave me a phony number or I copied down the wrong number. Chances are neither of the above is correct. He probably thought he was giving me the right number, but by accident gave me the wrong number. You know how stupid Fran is. Unfortunately, I’ve never gotten a call or a letter from Nervous, but it’s his choice to either contact me or not if he wants. I do wonder what he’s up to nowadays.

Later...

Hank called me an hour ago. He was in St. Francis Hospital in CT due to his heart. That’s what I figured. Hank gave me Mattie’s number and while he was on the line I called her and freaked her out with the edits. I wish Hank had 3-way and I hope Fran hurries up and calls before I move.

This time, when I tell Fran I’m moving, I will give him a phony number. He’ll probably try to get the number from Mom, but of course, she won’t give it to him. I have the feeling, however, that he’s lost Ma’s number and he’s always losing shit and lost my new number here when he moved to another floor in his building. That’s Fran for you. Luckily some people are stupid as it’s convenient for those who aren’t.

Later...

I made sure I stood up as late as I could and slept as late as I could. I ended up getting up at 7:00 this evening to reverse my schedule again. In another 2-3 days, I’ll be on days again. I need to be as I’ve got some errands and other things to do. Monday, Shadow’s gonna be fixed. I’ve got a form sent from Boston for half off as I’m low-income. Between Shadow’s shot and his being neutered, it should cost about $25. He only needs one shot, they told me, as he’s an indoor cat. Luckily males are cheaper to fix than females, but Kim gave me the money for this. That’s so nice of her.

Earlier I spoke with Tammy and told her everything about the calls, tapes, court and the search warrant. I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew it could be completely wrapped up by October 4th, but it won’t be. I didn’t want to upset her but she listened patiently and tried to understand and said she’d say nothing to mom and dad. It isn’t as if Mom and Dad would disown me, but you know how they are. They’d be very upset and I don’t blame them but they can’t really handle shit like that. Tammy asked for the number of Chief B, Mark, and my lawyer, and I gave them to her. She says she’ll call on Monday.

Mom was here last Friday the 13th. If anyone has to visit on Friday the 13th, it would have to be her. A double curse for sure. It was hell at times, of course. One minute she’d be ok, the next bitchy and bossy. She tells me she understands my feelings yet I still feel as if she wants me to be what she wants. I feel as if she’s trying to control me and doesn’t want to see me take any chances or succeed in any way. I feel she could care less about me wanting a part-time lover or a kid or to be a singer.

Tammy and I had a good talk about that and she told me to keep my chin up and to do what I want to do. How can I, though? I feel I no longer have any choice but to settle for what I don’t want, be it a job or a lover.

Mom called me from Tammy’s which is where she went after she left here the next day saying she’s going to be back Wednesday and we’ll talk. When I asked her what we’d talk about she told me she’d like to see me near the family and that family’s important. Asking me to give up my dream for anyone is asking way too much and proves to me all the more that she’s out to control me. At this point, however, I know I’ll never have what I want so I’ll just start doing what everyone else wants. Now I know for sure I’ll never be a singer so why not move to Connecticut? Plus, I know even if I went to a bar 7 days a week, I’ll never have what I want, so it doesn’t matter that I’ll be 100% cut off from that either.

Later...

I screwed up my schedule again. I need to try and get back on days as ma will be here Wednesday and Kim and I are going to the Big E on Friday.

I forgot to mention after I last wrote that when ma was here she brought some food, of course. At one point she and I were opening a big huge can of chocolate pudding. Right before we opened this huge can, I put my guitar up against the stove and was dying to play. I hadn’t played in a few months, put the string on that Bob got me and cut my nails which were really long. So what did mom do after we opened the can? Walked right into it, knocked it over and broke two strings. She’s sending me all 6 strings which I’ll probably get tomorrow. There are two reasons I’m sort of glad she broke them rather than me. That’s cuz she can afford to replace them and I can’t. Also, she sure was a lot nicer after she did that. She even felt guilty enough, even without me accusing her of doing it on purpose which I did to blow off steam. That was cruel to blame her and take it out on her but I guess being the way she is made it easier to do that. Normally I wouldn’t do that to someone. As I said, ma brought some food and two tank tops and a pair of pants. She hemmed the pants and also took in that gorgeous dress I got a few months ago at the sides.

We went out and browsed around the Yankee Candle Co. and ate lunch outside at their picnic table. We also looked into some other shops which are newly built and were mostly of jewelry and knickknacks and plenty of old stuff. She bought me a bracelet and some beads and some of that colored yarn that’s more like string. Last night I made Lisa, Becky and Sarah a beaded bracelet and also began to make one of those colored cloth bracelets. The one with the backward 4’s that’s sort of is like macramé, that the bitch, Michelle that lived with me on Locust St. taught me.

Speaking of good old Jenny C, we had our day in court on Sept. 12th, and as figured, it was dismissed. Poor Jenny. She’s no doubt rip-shitting pissed. I mean, she really wanted to get me good. Andy laughed when I told him about it.

Besides making those bracelets, I made another string of all my different colored beads on a wire string. This is the 4th one and it has a pretty clear glass heart on it and I hung it in the kitchen window/door on a suction cup. I also made a placemat and intend to make 5 for Tammy, Bill and the girls but my first one’s just a wee bit too small. It would even look good hung on the wall. I made it by taking a rectangular piece of cardboard and cutting 18 little slits on the long ends. I took that stringy yarn and wrapped it round and round, hooking it into each slit, then secured it on the back with tape. Then I’d cut long pieces of regular yarn, double it and weave it over and under across the whole thing. After that was done, I cut the strings in the back half and tied them on the ends where I started weaving and finished weaving. Then I made tassels on the 4 corners.

Later...

Tammy and I, as I said before, had a long talk and she said that a lot of people made money when they first entered the music business by selling their songs. She said she heard this on MTV. I like the idea of that a lot but finding the address to send these songs to would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Andy said to try the library and look under music publishing. Good idea.

The reason why I haven’t been writing much in a while is clear. I’m paranoid. So afraid my privacy will be invaded. Got I hope I get those tapes back! It seems all my life I always end up losing the things that I love and care about so much. I feel like this is just too much of a punishment. At home, in Brattleboro, in Valleyhead and other places I’ve always had to fight to hang onto the things I need and love. I always lose. I hate it. I hate that trapped feeling. I hate it when I lose people as well as material things. Friends or people I liked as well as was attracted to that could give a rat’s ass about me and how I feel.

I spoke to my lawyer who reminds me of Tracy K. I told her I was gay and she said, “Me too,” as if she needed to tell me. Shit, you can just look and see that as you can with just about all gay women except for me.

As I began to write the last time, till court began, I ended up talking with Chief B and Carol for nearly two hours after only intending to get my papers and leave. It amazed me how much they wanted to get to know and understand more about me. They were quite sensitive and understanding, too. The first thing the Chief and Carol said is how they’re open to all kinds of relationships and accept people as they are. We discussed that and all the stuff I love to do and why I feel hopeless and trapped. I even ended up singing for them and they asked me. That was nice. The Chief, who thinks I’m attractive and let me know that when he met me, took a picture of me. They gave me one, too.

Well, anyway, last Friday or Saturday night I did something quite bad. I mean, we’re talking about the most major setback and something I haven’t done since I was 17. That’s right. I cut myself. I actually cut myself. I lay in bed that night, desperately trying to suppress the urge to reach out, but knowing I couldn’t. Knowing no one was there. Wanting, wishing to be held, loved, communicated with. Trying to accept that I’d always be alone. Never ever being able to have the one-night stand every few months I want with what’s basically the wrong kind of women which is straight women. Feminine women. Trying not to think about Andy, Nervous, Steve, Jai, Paula, Jessie and Fran. Trying to block out the bad memories of the past. Bad memories of mom and any places she threw me away to. Trying to forget about music. Damn! It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to move and have the beautiful apartment and area be enough for me, and not need or think about music, sex or anything fun in the past or something fun in the present. Once upon a time, Andy and I going to the parking lot late at night behind the temple was no big deal. Now I miss it so much. I’d just love to be able to do that right this minute. It’s funny the things we take for granted till they’re all gone and you miss them so much!

Tomorrow, I’ll write about the talk I had with Tammy and about the aerobics place next door.

Well, here I am in court waiting for them to open up. This is the case with the advertising agency that had all those answering machines I called and played with.

I guess soon I’ll have to go to Northampton for Maliheh.

When I went down to the station to get the papers for today I ended up talking with Chief B and Carol for nearly two hours.

I finally got myself on a day schedule and I’m gonna try and keep it that way for a while. Ma’s coming up in a week or so and I’ll also be going to court soon. I also need to go sign up for fuel assistance and I need my bangs trimmed big time.

Well, summer’s on its way out and it’s pretty chilly out now. Believe it or not, I put my heat on. They say it’s gonna be 70º out today and I hope so as now’s the time to do my sun tanning. I can’t tan when it’s unbearably hot and humid like it was a few days ago for 4 days unless I can swim in a pool or lake or the beach. Plus it looks so good and I tan easier now that I’m older. When I was younger I’d turn bright red and peel instantly.

Now, I have some good news I’m psyched about. Aside from this house with the first and second floor being the business and Kim and Mark and me up top, there’s a little tiny building next door. It’s part of the habitat too but it has only two floors and is much smaller. Each floor here is about 2600 square feet. The two floors there are about 600 which is just about the size of the Woodside apartment. The bottom floor is the fitness center and no one’s hardly ever there. There was a place on top for $300 a month which this guy who lived there moved out of. So, I left a message downstairs and George called me back and I told him all about Steve. So when I spoke to Steve he was psyched and he’s got an appointment with Peter M this Thursday at 10 AM. I can’t wait for him to move here! From what I’ve heard, it’s not as big and as fancy as my place and I don’t think Steve has a washer and dryer. If not, I’ll wash dry and fold his laundry with my detergent if he’ll simply help me tie up loose ends at the end of the month. Things like cigarette money.

I have more to write about later. Fran got 3-way.

Last night I spoke with Tammy about the feelings I’m having about Andy, Phoenix, music and how much I love the apartment, but am so bored and feel so cut off. She was very understanding and encouraged me to keep my chin up, saying it’d work out. Well, who knows, but she asked me about state training and asked about teaching music till I could move. I told her it wasn’t that easy and how there’s literally no transportation unless you have a car.

I did decide, however, to place an ad in the Northampton Gazette to teach music or sign language here at home.

Perhaps, and I mean just perhaps, as I’ll probably chicken out, and also cuz whether I do or do not fear or doubt people as it’s pointless to meet people, I’ll call Every Woman’s Center in Northampton. Or maybe it’s at U-Mass in Amherst. I hear they have all sorts of groups for women. Gay groups and groups for single moms, teenage moms, abused and battered women and whatever else.

Aside from my fears of people, there are two things. One is, having no car and the other’s how much I still feel gay women are none other than a major turn-off for me. Again, why go to a group to discuss my feelings when I already know how I feel? I don’t want a part-time or full-time relationship with a butch or a so-so. I want a one-nighter every few months with a feminine gay woman. They’ll laugh at me and say, “Good luck!” Why do I always want the impossible? Of course, keep in mind as I do, of a thing called meant to be and not meant to be. I know there could be thousands of pretty feminine gay women and God will never let me have one for one night. Then, he’ll send me one who’s ugly or just another spot on the wall and laugh. Andy did say, though, how he met this feminine and attractive girl who goes to Denny’s named Saundra that speaks Spanish, Japanese and French.

I’m back on a night schedule as usual. I should try to get back on days as within the next two weeks Ma’s coming. I also should be in court within a few weeks as I spoke to Carol today. She told me it won’t drag on for weeks and weeks, but I sure hope it’s before or after Ma’s here. That’s all I need is for her to say, for example, that September 5th is the only day she’ll be able to be here, then right after that, I get a subpoena for that day. I hope I get that subpoena fast.

I spoke with Andy and that helped as all day today and yesterday I’ve done nothing but sit and cry. It isn’t just about the tapes either. More and more I miss him and want to move out there. I miss the things we do together and I could easily get a job at Denny’s with him. I’d have plenty of places to explore and be able to go swimming all the time. He could get me an apartment. Chances of singing jobs are much higher.

Last night I spoke with Steve and when I called I had no intention of bringing up Maliheh or the tapes. I figured it would deepen my anger and bum me out even more. Anyway, Steve just came out and said, “Ok, what happened?” It’s amazing how he knows when something’s wrong when I can explain to almost everyone else something good or bad and they still don’t get it.

So I told him and that really did make me feel a lot better. I told Steve that even though Maliheh’s a major asshole and I sometimes lash out on the phone to strangers when I’m bored or upset, I’m not making any more calls here in this tiny town. I told him how I told that to the cops and read him the letter I brought to the station today. They have their job to do and I respect that, but if only they can understand and believe how much I need those tapes. I’d gladly go to court but to never get my tapes back would be too much of a punishment in my eyes. I’d be so miserable and angry, even though, yes, what I did was wrong whether Maliheh deserved it or not, and they’ve got to do their job.

I’m constantly paranoid now knowing things are different in a small town. Even though they did try to be pleasant and talk to me and try to understand me, the nightmare will never end till I’m holding those tapes in my hands.

I told both Andy and Fran and they’re both just as upset as I am and Andy only has edit tape 1 and part of edit tape 2. He has none of edit tape 3 and I had some classic material on that tape. I had side A completed the last time I spoke to him before this shit happened and he loved it. It really came out great. At the time the cops took them, edit tape 3 was almost complete and I had edited down everything. It was a major project that I finished the night before they took them.

There is one thing I can say about that night and Andy said he had the same feeling. A horrible vision of the cops confiscating these tapes crawled over me and it was so bad that I tried to block it out. I tried telling myself that it couldn’t be. I wouldn’t accept such thoughts to be possible. No. No. No, it can’t be true as they never did this in Springfield, I thought. I know it does me no good, but I cannot help but think of all the things I could’ve done to save the tapes had I acted on my feeling. From now on, no matter how good, bad, scary, funny or bizarre a vibe I get, I’m not ignoring it.

All I know is that a big part of my life’s gone whether it’s wrong or right. No longer can I play those tapes to make me laugh or cheer me up when I’m upset. I can only remember and hear them in my head. Andy will have to mail me back what he has and it’s not much. There are still lots of arguments between Nervous and Fran that are so funny. I told Tammy the tape got eaten up and said she’d mail them back to me. She only has one tape, though. At least Andy has the Rick and Nervous argument and himself leaving that message on Nervous’s boss’s machine. I hope he’s got the complex argument too along with “East Shnoanok” (Andy singing backward) and the voice exercises I’ll need.

Even Kim’s so bummed out about it. Steve told me not to worry, but how can I not?

Later...

I called Andy a little while ago at the Denny’s he’s now working at. He told me he’d call around 9:00 this morning my time.

I remembered that I have a Steve Perry tape with only one song I like. I took the tape, played it and there it was. I cried, laughed and smiled but it’s not much. Only a few crossings. I won’t be completely happy till they’re all back if they ever are.

I miss Andy so much and never thought I’d feel so much emptier. Even emptier than in Springfield as much as I don’t miss Springfield and I love this apartment, I feel so much more trapped at times. The vision and that feeling that I’m destined to be a singer are never gonna go away. I feel so much more cut off from my friends and my musical possibilities. I miss doing all the things Andy and I used to do if nothing spectacular came out of it. I miss all the things we did. I miss Steve. I never figured I’d be so much more miserable and empty, even though, I’m grateful for this apartment and this area. Other than the violence and the drugs and really bad crimes, I miss certain things about the city. The phone calls were easier and no search warrant was ever done. Also, it’s much more convenient for people with no car. Mom and Dad always said how you’ve got to take chances in life, yet they’re so afraid of the idea of me moving to Arizona. They always have to control me. Like they give a damn about what they know I’ve wanted all my life? Whenever I’m upset about something, no matter what it is, they condemn me and make me feel ashamed and a fool for it. All they want is for me to be in a great mood and perfectly happy 365 days a year. They always put false words and ideas and thoughts in my mouth and in my mind. I feel like they don’t believe in me and all they want is for me to be grateful for living here, have no life, be here 24 hours a day with 4 walls and nobody and accept it. After having told me a year and a half ago, over the phone with Andy when I was in Florida they’d help move me there. It doesn’t matter if they said it 2 years ago or 10 years ago. The fact is, they said it. No one ever does anything they say they’re gonna do. And Mom says she can’t afford to move me to Phoenix? Bullshit!!! Well, I’m not gonna accept this life and kiss their assholes much longer. I wish I was dead! I’ll be damned if I’ll live a life of settling for second best anymore! I’m tired of doing things I don’t care about. I’m not gonna accept this life that they want for me! Oh, why couldn’t I have wanted to be anything other than a singer?! Why couldn’t I just be able to sleep with someone every few months if possible, without giving a damn about looks?! I’d really rather be dead than live the many years I have ahead feeling so unfulfilled. God, give me a break!!!!!!!!

The last 3 days I’ve been out, believe it or not. Yesterday I went to an elderly couple’s house for a cookout. These people are friends of Kim’s. Kim and Mark, though, were gone to Vermont so Bob and his wife Sandra picked me up, then brought me home after. Yesterday was Kim and Mark’s anniversary.

The day before, Kim, Bob, Sandra and I went to a fair in Cummington where I got some cute things.

Lastly, Friday evening the 4 of us went out bowling. It wasn’t too bad either as we were the only ones there and I didn’t bowl as bad as I thought I would.

However, last Thursday was a living nightmare. The Chief of police, a female detective, and two uniformed cops, all of whom I’ve met before and know Mark, came here with a search warrant. I could not believe it! They never did that in Springfield, but in Springfield, and most other cities, prank phone calls are a joke. Murders are their major thing. Here in a small town, prank calls are a big deal. Traffic problems and a little bit of vandalism are all they really have here. In this town, all those things are as serious as murder.

They were here almost two hours and they ended up taking every single fucking tape, except for tapes of singers. The weird thing about it though is how nice they were to me, complimenting me on how neat I am and about my drawings, the Spanish, the sign language, the music, and how I’m good-looking. It sort of reminded me of Spfld. They were really trying to understand me, telling me how they had an EMT standing by as they know I had asthma and they cared about me and my safety.

They took pictures of the evidence and also my keyboards and guitars which I could not figure out why, but they did. Officers R and L searched out the tapes while Chief B and Carol whatever-her-name-is sat and talked with me at the kitchen table. They were all in uniform except for Carol, who amazingly enough, did not look like a butch.

I felt like a kid all over again with my “mother” or “staffers” going through my shit and helping themselves to whatever.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but they said I could write a letter explaining my feelings and bring it to them to give to the DA and they’d say how cooperative I was. My main goal is to get those tapes back and I told them I’d erase the pranks if I could get the edits back along with convos with me, Andy, Fran, and Nervous. I also told them I’d help them if they needed someone who signs as well as speaks Spanish or if they needed a housekeeper. I’d gladly go to court if I had to as I’m not worried about that. It’s the tapes that worry me and I can never and will never make any more pranks again being in such a small town like this. Those tapes are so therapeutic as Andy and the others are far away now and those edits are creative and they took a long time to make.

I really haven’t been writing much lately but I sure have been doing quite a bit of taping. Not only am I now working on edit tape number 3, but I’m also going to be making a tape for Kim and Mark for their anniversary. Also, I have been editing down, which means getting rid of the boring stuff. Certain conversations and crossings are old and boring and not funny. When I omit stuff like that along with ringing several times till the person picks up, I save a lot of tape. All that ringing alone can really add up. I’ve gotten new blank tapes too, so I’ve put numbers on them, labeled them and given them their identification names. Also, I’ve torn off old labels from Linda Ronstadt tapes as well as others and have replaced them.

Lastly, I have a few other projects to work on. One is Gloria’s new medley. Two is going through the edit tapes and taking out all the one or two-word sentences, then editing just that. Three is to edit all the sentences with more than two words. Four is editing all the laughing which, of course, is mostly mine. That ought to keep me busy for a while.

Now, I do have much more to write about, however, I need to start editing more, so I’ll write later.

I got the tour books which were beautiful and I just finished writing Andy a letter.

Tammy, Bill and the girls came up last Saturday and we had a great visit. The girls looked really nice as did Tammy herself. I figured they’d bring up a little something as they usually do, but instead, I was quite shocked. I’ve never had so much food in a long time! What perfect timing too! The $50 she sent me would’ve been gone by now and I’d be waking up starving and if my kitchen could talk it’d say, “Have some maple syrup or catsup or mayonnaise.” I guess she’s gonna be shipping up food, too.

They loved the apartment and agreed to do some holidays here as Tammy agreed my kitchen was better for it.

I gave the girls some pictures of Paula Abdul and some perfume, barrettes, lipstick, and nail polish. Also, I gave Lisa a skirt that shrunk and an old 1-piece bathing suit and a pair of shorts. They all looked good and Tammy seemed much more relaxed.

Boy, I guess I haven’t written in a while. I left off about going to Hampden Bitch and man did I ever get so much color. I was cooked, but it looked so good. More of a tannish red rather than bright red and I didn’t peel. I lost some of it since then but still have a lot of color.

I got my new checks from United Bank and they’re so cute. Also, I thought I’d have to pay $1.50 a month, but cuz I have Direct Deposit, I need not pay anything.

I had a couple of nice talks with Andy who saw Gloria last July 15th on Linda’s b-day. He said she sang well and was very energetic and her sound system was excellent. He did say that she looked tired, but she tours for so long. I hope I get her tour books today in the mail as he tells me he sent them out last Tues.

Last Saturday, Jai, and Jenny came up and we had a nice visit.

Right now they’re putting in a new countertop for me. The guy will be here for two hours and the sanding machine is so loud and obnoxious.

Yesterday, I rearranged both the pictures that I have in my stairwell and in my photo album along with family pictures. Also, I did many other odds and ends and was up just about 24 hours before I could finally fall asleep.

Before I fell asleep, I was crossing Maliheh with so many people and she was freaking out and going hysterical. Maliheh is convinced, though, that the wires are crossed and not that someone’s fooling around. She’s such a hysterical bitch and a crab and at this point, I’m so glad we never even had a one-night stand. She’s too spastic and I can’t ever picture her calm and loosened up with a sense of a humor for one second. She’s either serious or tense and irritable all the time. Torturing her is so fun and she deserves it so much not cuz of leading me on but just cuz of how she is. I cannot see even those that “behave” feeling guilty.

I’m gonna take a trip to the store now for my usual brand of cigarettes as the kind I got yesterday causes attacks. I’m wicked tired too, as I only slept 6 hours after being up 24 hours. I also need to get some soda and some munchies as usual. I’ll write more later and once again, I can’t wait till I get those tour books!

Kim and I are on our way to Hampden Beach in New Hampshire. It is awfully hard to write so I won’t write too long. 

I will be embarrassed on the beach as I feel so out of proportion and bloated.

Yesterday I called Tammy as I realized that this not being able to pay for what I need has got to stop. Wishing it all away wasn’t gonna make it go away. As far as making ends meet, I mean. I discussed with her how the owner flattered me with such approval on my first day of work. He complimented me on how I learn quickly while other employees were saying he isn’t punctual and a great businessman. After all this, he tells me to call him and he never returns my call. That job would’ve been a real bore and a drag anyway in no time at all. Especially when once again, it’s nothing I live for wanting to do.

I told her how the real thing that was upsetting me was the band. At least they’re saying that I’m good but not their style rather than that I need work. The thing, once again that upsets me is when they cry about my not having experience which I’ll never get till someone gives me a chance. All these people had to have their first time being hired into a band. Of course, I was hired till they moved out of state.

So, Tammy gave me a suggestion as well as others in the past that I may consider. Rather than look for ads where bands are looking for singers, I should put my own ad in saying I’m a singer looking for a band. She also said for me to put that I’ve had no experience so I’m honest right up front. I was considering lying next time around and saying that I have been in a band.

Then when I least expected it, she asked me how much extra a month I felt I needed. I told her and she’s sending a check for $50 monthly to supplement me. That’s fantastic! I’d normally be upset at needing help like that and didn’t want to ask Ma for more money as she just added an extra $10. I hate having to take and not being able to give but at this point of desperation, I’m more grateful and relieved than upset. Also, I have taken care of SS and the food stamps successfully over the phone so now, the only place I need to go to is Food Mart when my food stamps come tomorrow or the next day. Tammy’s check will be here tomorrow and God does that ever help so now from the end of each month till the 12th of the next month, I don’t have to practically starve. I sure feel like shit when I have to do that. I’d use my food stamps up, then have very little cash left for my non-edible stuff, then go broke. Then, get my checks on the 1st and 3rd, have no food and need to use too much cash for food till my food stamps arrive. As far as changing banks is concerned, it was much easier than I thought. My new bank’s right across the street. SIS in Northampton charges $8 a month, my ATM card got too scratched up, and I was down to only 3 checks left. Perfect timing. My new bank is small, they’re friendly and I got nicer-looking checks for cheaper and they do the food stamps there. I called SIS and they said to open with the new bank first and fill out the direct deposit form which I did and wait till the checks go to the new bank before closing SIS. I had $50 in SIS, so I wrote a check to the new bank (United Bank) for $40. I took $20 and left $20 in the account to cover the cost of the new checks. So, as soon as the checks get put in the new account, they’ll write a letter to SIS which I’ll sign to close out my account. Instead of $8 a month, I pay $1.50 for 6 checks. If I go over 6 checks which isn’t that often, it’s 75 cents for each additional one. This is a better deal.

Well, for the last handful of days, there have been a lot of mixed emotions. There’s that little ounce of faith and hope. The voice that says, as far as the singing goes, it’s not over with. The voice that says, “It must be meant to be. Why else would I have the voice and be a night person and love to travel? Why else can I do so many other music-related things and not want to do anything else? Also, I cannot ever have a relationship, part-time or full-time or one night. I’ll no doubt never have a kid. I’ll always be alone and I know God sends me second best to keep me alone, and you need to be alone to be a singer.” It has to be meant to be.

Then there’s that other voice saying, “Don’t be a fool anymore. Give up before you lose and you know you’ll always lose. Be smart. Be brave. Be realistic. Walk away. Think of how you have no money to buy your way into the business. Think how you’d never sleep your way through even if you were straight. You’re not a slut. Think of how you fear people and are tired of their lies and false promises. Remember how you’re cursed as far as singing and a woman’s concerned. Don’t exhaust yourself by fighting a hopeless battle. Don’t embarrass yourself or be made to feel like a fool. Don’t be a sucker and let yourself take yet another fall. Never think positive and that you can do anything. Know that since you’ve been scared off as far as approaching people that if you’re approached, don’t have a heart. Of course, anyone that approaches you will be someone you’re not attracted to, but be cruel, tell them up front you’re not gonna take false assumptions about your intentions and your character. Tell them you’ll not be accused of asking too many questions. Make them feel foolish and ashamed of the way they feel. Tell them they deserve to be alone and they’re too persistent.”

Now, I realize I have 3 choices left. I could be poor and struggling on disability for the rest of my life. I could settle for second best by getting a good-paying job by getting financial aid and going to school. Or I could die.

I will grant myself just a little more time, but if I die, it’ll no longer be something I consider to be the easy way out. It’ll be the ONLY way out. I’m too trapped at this point so if things are ever to turn in my favor, which I doubt other than with the apartment and Kim and Mark, they better hurry up. I need and want some action fast and I feel I’m overdue and deserve it. I do not feel one tiny bit like I’m being selfish.

Fuck the kid and the woman, I say, just get me singing! I’ll work my ass off, just help me in the first step. Whatever’s up there, guide me into a band that will hire me even though I’ve never been in a band. They all say, “You sing well and you pick up well and are versatile but you’ve had no experience.” How am I going to get that experience if no one’s willing to give me a chance? Maybe I should lie and say that I have been in a band before.

Well, aside from all that frustration and bullshit, I had a great talk with Kim who really keeps me going. She’s amazing. Also, I got a great letter from Andy.

I mentioned how I met Tanya through the personals, then met her at Pearl St. As nice as she was, I wasn’t turned on.

After speaking to the woman with the nice long hair, I went back over to where Kim and Tanya were sitting and there she was. I usually like them to be taller than me but she was my height. At the time, it didn’t matter as I was so attracted to her. She was the perfect example of the masculine yet quite feminine type I go for. She was shaped like Brenda, less curvy than me. She no doubt weighs less than me but doesn’t look like a toothpick. She wore jeans and a simple gray T-shirt, appearing very casual, yet so pretty. She had long straight brown hair that fell to the middle of her back. Brown eyes, tanned skin, and a beautiful smile with teeth that made mine look sick.

It turned out that she and Kim were in sign language classes together at U-Mass. She lives in Amherst and it’s a local call from here in S. Dfld. Kim said she was honest, outspoken and friendly and we exchanged phone numbers. I was, like I said, instantly curious, excited and tempted, but wary.

This was last Wed. night and she told me she’d get together with me the following Mon. or Tues. as she was to be very busy. She plays the guitar and has a 4-track and said she’d bring it over. Meanwhile, we both agreed on calling each other before we got together.

But now that’s all done and over with. Yes, I threw it all away and Kim said, “Are you going to do this every time you meet someone?” That feeling of, “Oh my God, is this really happening to me for the first time after 25 years? Someone I’m attracted to and possibly interested in?” Kim told me that there’s a first time for everything and I wasn’t looking 25 years ago. She’s right but what I’m about to say is, in my opinion, is more important than considering that. First of all, I’m not even sure that anything ever would’ve happened between Maliheh and I. Also, true that she could’ve been very busy, but I feel if she was that interested in me, she would’ve met me by now. I did call her and she did call me, but tonight I felt it was time to be honest.

I called and told her on her answering machine that I’ve done some thinking and that sometimes one must do not what’s easiest and what they want, but what is best. I told her I didn’t feel we should see each other and that I was considering her as well as myself. I told her it may sound cruel and as if I was judging her by experiences I’ve had with other people, but that I didn’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to get into anything I may regret. I said that I was not implying she was out to harm me as I don’t even know her. Lastly, I told her how I’ve been alone 99% of my life and it would no doubt be less awkward for her. It’d be too awkward for me, not that I don’t like someone who’s older and more experienced. I do, but how many people are going to be patient enough with me and willing to understand me? I don’t want to be worrying about what someone else is thinking or wondering if they understand me. I don’t want to go through the hassles of them getting to know me or of me getting to know them. I’m not motivated to put the effort into it anymore. Especially when sooner or later, one of us is going to dump the other. Like I always said, all I need is me, myself and I. Only I can know and understand myself and I do. I don’t want to have to communicate with anyone other than friends. What others don’t know or understand won’t hurt them. The only way for me to be happy, carefree and independent is to remain alone. That way there’s no fear, anxiety or guilt. I realized also, that even though other people did shit to me that I didn’t ask for, in a sense I did ask for it. I did bring it on myself and deserve it cuz I was stupid enough to get involved. Never again will someone get the chance to hurt me and I will never be a sucker for it either.

So, when I hung up I cried and was hurt and pissed off at myself. I said, “Oh no. Now, why did I do that? That was mean, cruel and unfair. You pushed her away and never gave her a chance and you’ve blown it for sure now that she knows you’re scared and not confident.” But then I kicked myself in the ass and told myself I did the right thing and I’d wished I’d done it when I did if I had gotten involved. How can you cry over someone you only met once and only spoke to for an hour? This is the only way I can protect myself and at least I can be honest about it. I’m good enough for myself. I’m good enough as someone’s friend, but not good enough as someone’s lover.

Later...

I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her and the rest of this whole stuck-up world! It’s amazing how much nerve and lack of respect people have. How harshly one can judge another and condemn them. How one can make you feel so ashamed and blow so much out of proportion? How one can exaggerate and make you feel like some crazed mass murderer? Slap you in the face for your good intentions. Condemn you for asking a few basic questions when you meet them and make it sound like you asked for their whole life story. Make a cruel, harsh and wrong assumption about you after you’ve only spoken to them a few short times and you know you carried yourself well. Tell you you’re persistent after only speaking with them 3 times for 5 minutes in one week. Tell you they may consider a relationship and drop other hints suggesting that, then totally contradicting that, while lashing out at you. It’s like grabbing someone and hugging and kissing them, then two seconds later they pummel 20 bullets into you from a gun.

Maliheh calls up saying she didn’t appreciate the Dear John message when there never was a relationship and never would’ve been. I tried to explain that was to prevent one and she did seem interested and even Kim thought so, too. She said I was the one with the 20 questions, and I tried to tell her that I was only curious to get to know her. They were basic simple questions that weren’t overly personal. She said I wouldn’t listen to her and that I’m alone for a reason and that’s because of me. She wouldn’t even listen to me. And I’m alone cuz of people like HER. How dare she say that shit to me, and why is she alone? She told me she got her aids test and it’s negative and reminded me her next partner was going to do the same, not that I’m sure what this has to do with anything, especially if she were never interested in me.

This is how I know God is punishing me, and it’s too late at this point as someone gorgeous and right for me could beg down on their knees. No one will ever have me! No one! From now on I’m going to condemn people for their feelings or for asking me any questions. I’m going to make them feel ashamed and foolish. I could never ever be in a normal relationship with anyone, no matter how right and attractive they were. This was the final straw and my mind’s been played with enough. If God’s goal was to keep me alone by not only sending me the wrong ones but also by driving so much fear and paranoia of people into me, he did it. See, it is the same pattern and now, not even Kim can say I’m wrong about what’s meant to be and what’s not. Congratulations God, or whatever the hell’s out there. You’ve finally been 100% successful. Of course, I’d never have to beg for you to never allow me a singing career. I’ve only come to know the plan all too well.

Now to tell the story about the band which is why Mark gave me The Advocate in the first place. Mark had said how he likes to read the personals just for kicks, so as I mentioned before, that’s how I met Tanya. I tried calling at a decent hour for 3 days, so when that failed, I called at 2 AM. I was goofing off totally figuring things probably wouldn’t work out anyway, but of course, nothing too scary or raunchy. I played the guy some edits and gave him a few crosses. I guess there are 3 roommates. A girl and two guys by the name of John. The John that was forming an alternative band was on the line the bulk of the time.

So finally, I came to realize how nice he was and how well he handled me so I got serious. I sang a bit over the phone, then he took my number telling me I sounded quite good, but may not be what he’s looking for.

Last Friday he came over and he really is a nice guy and we share a lot of the same philosophies and beliefs. He’s not gay, but he has gay friends.

I liked his lyrics. They were very free and open. He writes a lot like Stevie Nicks and Andy would and he played me a demo of his last band which was in New York City. He just moved here, but I noticed right away, that his last singer sounded a lot like Stevie Nicks. He told me that he felt I was a really good singer and had great pitch and picked up quickly, but will continue the ad for a month. I guess he originally planned to do this beforehand no matter what. Comparing what people say now about my singing to a few years ago, there’s a major difference. Years ago it wasn’t good enough or developed enough. Now, some people say it’s too dynamic and too vibrant. John is really looking for someone with more of a voice like Stevie Nicks. Stevie has had no real training and never really fully developed her voice. Gloria would be hired for this right on the spot. So many people prefer so many different styles that it can be hard to be one extreme or another. It’s sort of like being too good for certain bands such as in this case, so it’s both a compliment and a bummer. Maybe he won’t call, maybe he will. Who knows? It’s cruel to say this, but I hope whoever else calls for an audition sucks. That way, hopefully, I’d be hired.

I’ve been doing journals now since Oct. 27, 1987. I know this is something I’ll always do and want to do. Even though not quite each and every page of these journals have been filled, 98% of them have short little love stories that I never had the patience to finish, but that’s ok. It keeps my mind and attention focused on things I really want to write about. However, I’ll always continue to combine certain things with real and important issues. Issues that in my mind, mean a lot. The other pages were used for drawings or lyrics or names of people or charts of some personal or fun kind. Drawings from now on will go on a sketchpad where they belong. Ending this journal, I’ll say that since I’ve slacked off on writing about my past in more detail, it’ll surely be done in the next one.

Also, I will write about Maliheh, the gorgeous girl I met the night I met Tanya in person at Pearl St.

Later...

Before I write all about Maliheh, the next thing about my past I’ll write about will be Andy, Jessie and Tammy W. Now, believe me when I say there’s not too much to write about Tammy W. I know I was reunited with Andy and Jessie before I met Tammy over the phone as well as Linda J. I miss Linda a lot and I’m sorry she had to just toss our friendship out the door. I know why she chose to throw it away of course. Cuz she wanted me as a lover. I miss her, though. Even though she was quite mysterious, I miss our talks and the laughs we shared.

Tammy W was a 19-year-old girl I called one night who told me she had a little girl whose father left her. I told her she ought to find a woman. I also thought she’d hang up on me, but instead, she told me she thinks about that. She was too messed up to even think of getting involved. Getting involved seriously. I was too naïve still at the time to know that you can’t get involved seriously and you’re lucky if you can a few weeks or a few months with someone. Breaking up was just as common as meeting someone. No doubt more common. By now, she probably has been with a woman. As well as more men. Again, you know philosophy and that is, if you can fantasize, you can do. Except for the times I fantasize about strangling my mother when she gets on my nerves, but that’s just me, of course. That’s how I operate. It’s probably like being gay. You have a choice whether or not to act on it. Tammy was young, confused, abused and so viciously controlled by her mother. Also, she had so much legal shit going on with the father of her daughter. She was pretty, though, and looked an awful lot like Tiffany. I haven’t seen her for almost 3 years now. She was wild, though, and hung out with such creeps.

I miss Linda and Tracy more and you know how pitifully ugly they were. Now that I covered Linda and Tammy, I’m too tired to go on. I’ve done quite a bit of writing tonight but next time around, I’ll discuss Andy and Jessie and Maliheh, too. Don’t get me wrong, as I do not feel Maliheh will be any big deal, but the moment was fun. Maybe I am wrong for once but why and how can I be? I’m 25 years old, not 18. You know how I feel on that matter. The chase is much more fun than the capture. It’s really weird but with me, it’s one way or another. Either I’m bummed out cuz I’m not attracted to someone, or I’m scared when I am. Yes, it is exciting to finally have it be mutual. But can this actually be happening to me once and for all? It’s too good to be true and I’m tempted and curious but scared at the same time.

I told Ma all about what’s been happening when she called last night. She says I should be getting a package soon and also, she won’t be up till September.

I touched base with Tammy too, about what’s been going on with me, and her as well.

Before I write about the band, Maliheh, and the warts, I’ll update what else has been happening. First, I’m ticked off at Andy for delaying my money which I’ll probably get in the next few days. Now, as you know, I get paid on the 1st of each month and I make so little, so I can always use the money. What angers me is how he had me believing I’d get the money at the end of the month when I’m totally broke. He tried calling the night before last but I had stepped out to get cigarettes. He’d better call soon and tell me what the hell’s going on.

I finally heard from Hank about a week ago who was in the hospital, and tried to reach Jenny and Jai about coming up. Jai’s seen the place, of course, but I have not seen Jenny in ages and I miss her. She’s so sweet.

Last night I spoke to Steve who’s going to Chicago to see his two boys but will be back July 8th. I told Steve I was tired of waiting for Jessie to either call about visiting and bringing my bathing suits up or mailing them. Steve said he’d get the suits for me. She’s had these suits for over a year now.

Later...

I took time out to cook a pork chop with applesauce and I chatted with Kim. I also called and spoke with Jai and Jenny who seem to be doing well. They’re coming to see me within the next couple of weeks.

After my checks for the rent, gas, phone, and electricity clear, I’m going to close my checking account with SIS. When I say “gas” bill, that means the heat. I thought that the AC bill was that same bill, too, but I guess not. I thought they were the same bill cuz they come from the same place. There are 5 8” vents in this whole huge place. Can you imagine that? Those 5 tiny vents do a fine job, though, considering how big this place is. It’s definitely not 1200 square feet either. Kim’s is, but this one is 1400 square feet for sure.

I mailed the pictures Dad took to Tammy who was quite impressed when she saw them. Who wouldn’t be?

Anyway, as far as the AC goes, it goes on the electric bill.

I have just begun to get a tan. Of course, I have a very long way to go, but at least my hair is finally down to my waist. It isn’t in the finest condition, but I’d rather have long dead hair, rather than short healthy hair.

I did a little bit of rearranging here today. Nothing major, but the usual swapping things around I do every month or two.

It’s amazing how I’ve been up in the daytime, have had fewer all-nighters here, and today it was so cool and dry. I got up at noon and it was somewhat overcast till almost 4:00. Today was a far cry better than the 3 days we had before. It was 100º and incredibly humid. Keeping the central air on was a must. You couldn’t even breathe outside and there was no way I was going to tan. Lying on that blacktop will scorch you well enough.

Shortly after I got up, I vacuumed out the stairwell and played with Shadow for hours. God, is he ever getting huge. He’s up to 12 pounds now. Last night, just as the sun was going down, I opened the door downstairs, put him on his leash and basically ran around like a kid.

It’s so nice to sit there and feel the cool air with a great breeze and drink coffee or smoke cigarettes. I did that tonight too, and it still feels so beachy. Even Jai agreed when he was here that he felt like he was on Long Island Sound.

Ok, time to tell the wart story now. I decided I would follow up with it so Kim took me to the GYN Dr. Leitch referred me to. Before we went she said, “Maybe you can will them away.”

I laughed and she then said, “Well, I’ve seen the things you can do.”

So, of course, anyone would wish they could make it go away in a blink of an eye, but I was surprised after the pelvic exam. When the doctor. finished he said he knew Dr. Leitch to be a good doctor, but that I had no warts. At first, I was pissed at Dr. Leitch for having me terrified for nothing till I realized he is only human. Humans do make mistakes and he did bring my asthma under control. I figured it’s better to end up having been scared for nothing, rather than a valid reason.

Kim insists I willed it away. Maybe I did do something, maybe not. I sure still wish I could will away the cigarettes as I did with the Navane.

I’m going to listen to music now but will be back next month which is in half an hour.

The last few days have been really weird. Yeah, I willed my warts away, met a woman I’m finally attracted to, made a prank call, and got in a band.”

I at least think I got into a band. I should know tomorrow night for sure.

Since I mentioned North Star, I’ll write about my trip to Pearl St. I thought North Star was so fancy. Pearl St. is even fancier. Kim and I planned to go last Saturday when we went to North Star. Pearl St. is only gay Wednesday nights.

First, as I figured, that girl who looked like Gloria never called. Secondly, Mark gave me The Advocate with an ad in a local town called Montague looking for a female vocalist. Mark was also telling me how he reads the person-to-personals just for kicks. I do, too. There are several amazing and humorous ads. My eye caught one that seemed ok, so I left a message and my number on this answering system you call and punch in the code for that particular ad. It’s better than that 900-line thing as it’s more discreet. Only Tanya, the girl I left the message for, hears my message. Unless you leave a message for anyone on the main line. I’d forgotten all about it till she called the next evening and we spoke for 20 minutes or so and she said that she too was to be at Pearl St. on Wed. The night before we were to meet, she called me and we spoke for almost two hours. I was very impressed, but when I met her, as usual, I was not attracted to her. She wasn’t a major butch, but again, not at all appealing. Her body was so-so but her hair and face did nothing for me. She was very nice though, but I had to be honest and tell her that I had to be attracted both inside and outside.

To me, being attracted on the inside, but not the outside, is like eating a raw steak. It’s a half-assed ordeal.

Then, I noticed a girl with nice long hair who was sitting with two obvious lesbians. Even though this girl had beautiful hair, her face was so-so and the dress she wore was hideous. I was out to be friendly anyway. When I approached the 3 of them and said my name, one girl said, “Does this work for you? I mean, I always wanted to be able to just walk up to a woman myself.”

I told them, no it doesn’t work as they’re either straight, gay and taken or gay and not interested. They laughed and I went back to where Kim and Tanya were sitting.

Well, I have decided to call about that thing I last wrote about. After discussing it with Mom and Tammy who say it’s common and doesn’t hurt I figured I should get it over with. Whether I’m having sex or not, it’s time I end the itching, burning, bloated feeling I always have.

I spoke with Andy who’s still enjoying Phoenix but can’t stand the people.

Last night was pretty amazing. Kim and I went to a gay bar called North Star Seafood since Pearl St. is only gay on Wed. nights. Bill’s boyfriend Arthur told me about it and that it’s a restaurant in the daytime but at night it’s a gay women’s bar. It was small as Kim said it was but very fancy. It makes the Pub look like a dive. Sure there were several butches in there but there were a few that were ok.

The first one I spoke to was about a 5 but she said she was straight. The next one was an 8 with nice waist-length hair, tall, and wore an awesome outfit. She never said whether she was gay or straight, but she did tell me she sells jewelry and was traveling the east coast from San Francisco.

Then, right before we left, man did I get the shock of my life. She was a perfect 10 and Gloria to a T!! Except that her face didn’t really look like Gloria’s, but it was still beautiful. I mean, she was gorgeous! If I saw her from behind I’d think she was Gloria. She had long dark curly hair, dark skin and eyes, and a nice body. She wore a black dress such as Gloria would wear.

She walked to the payphone and I followed and I told her how I recently moved and was meeting new people and how I felt like the only feminine gay woman in the world and that she was gorgeous. She hugged me and said she was married with 3 kids but was bi. Also, she told me she was really flattered and she really did seem it. She was just so friendly and I gave her my name and number. Of course, I know not to expect her to call me as God surely knows I’m attracted to her, but it’s so nice to see another feminine woman who’s gay or bi. Maybe they do really exist here and there other than in Spfld.

Yesterday turned out to be a horrible day. I didn’t go grocery shopping, nor did I tan. Instead, I ended up at Dr. Leitch’s office as I no longer could stand my sinus problem. My nose was swollen and tingling. The pressure in my head was too much as well as the hot flashes. Also, I was still itchy and red and had discharges down below. So, he said this time he’d try a very strong antibiotic and that I may need a few rounds of it. As for down below, well, he took a swab to send that to the lab and they’ll let me know, but get this - I have warts. I said I was gay and hadn’t been with many people or for very long. He said it may or may not be sexually transmitted. He said it could be caused by too much moisture. Also, my being with a woman will make my chances of serious diseases practically zero. Diseases like aids, syphilis or gonorrhea, but a person could have a virus in their mouth or on their finger and not even know it. Meanwhile, he says I need to see a GYN and they burn them and it’s not painful and it takes only 10 minutes. He said it’s not serious, but that I’ve had it for a while and it could get worse.

I’m still debating on whether or not to see a GYN as I have had it a long time, so how much worse can it get? Also, I planned never to be with anyone again cuz of not getting anyone I’m really attracted to. Nor do I want to go through the hassle and stress of being with someone even part-time.

I was right about those suspicions I’ve had for so long. Whether I have sex with a male or a female it’s like it’s a sin for me. Maybe not for some people, but it seems that way for me it is. I’ve always felt I would be punished and I was right. All the more reason I will never have sex again for sure. I have definitely resigned for life.

I called Tammy and she had that procedure done too and she said she was terrified at first, but it didn’t hurt at all. She told me they don’t even need to go in and that they just put a topical medication on the outer lips and you feel a very slight burning sensation and that’s all. She told me that after Becky was born she had a lot of bleeding and that all the moisture is what caused it. She told me not to blame Brenda, though, as it may be from the moisture of the discharges I’ve had or if Brenda did have a virus, she may not have known. I still have to think about it, though, and I also have other things to write about that are on my mind, but I’ll do it later.

I’ll not write too long as I’d like to try to go back to sleep soon. I had a fairly productive day today and finally got my food stamps. I got a few things to hold me over until tomorrow night when I go to Food Fart with Kim. However, I’m dying for my coffee!

I received the pictures in the mail today that Dad took of the place when he was here. They came out well. I also got some pictures of Tammy, Bill, and the girls. The girls look fantastic but Tammy looked like she was sick that day.

It’s funny how Tammy’s had the same hairstyle for years and always wears the same clothes while I’m so into variety. Kim told Dad what most people would agree on. When she comes over here she never knows what my hair’s gonna look like or what I’ll be wearing.

Hank called a few hours ago. He was in the hospital as I suspected. He had a valve in his heart closed.

Another thing is, if a phone you’re using has call forwarding, you could check for that if you know how. By pressing 72# and if you get a busy signal, you’d know that phone didn’t have it. You couldn’t check for call-waiting unless you were talking to someone and it beeped. Then you’d know if it was on the line. 3-way calling, you don’t have to check for or be familiar with to figure it out. For example, if you call 411 to get a number, then hit the receiver to make a call, you get an instant dial tone if it didn’t have it. If it did, it beeps 3 times, then you’d get a steady dial tone.

The last time I spoke with Ma, she had mentioned the “extras” and I told her, I didn’t have any “extras.” Well, of course, I do not have call-waiting or call-forwarding and I never intend to get them. I don’t need them. However, I’d hate to live without 3-way calling, which I got a month or so after I moved here. So, after I told Ma I didn’t have any extras she goes, “Mhm,” in a tone of voice as if to say, “You’re full of shit.” After I hung up from her was when I realized that Dad probably caught that when he was using the phone to call Ma with his calling card.

Of course, what it all comes down to once again, is I’m an adult so I’ll have on my line whatever I damn please.

Later...

Well, it looks like I’m going to be up for a while, so I might as well continue with the past. First of all, it was through Crystal that I met Mary D and I’ve already gone through her story.

Mike, I met after Al L, but I don’t remember his last name. Al, as I’ve already stated many journals ago, was the most hideous creature of all 6 guys I slept with. Jessie, Steve and Andy also agree, he is a pitiful person as well. Only Ron and Al out of the 6 guys, were for more than one night. Al wasn’t for too many nights, though, and I’ll never miss him. It’s no wonder he was so insecure and had been alone for years before I met him. His attitude was sick and pathetic. So rude and negative and I’ve never seen someone so eager to cut a person down. He was so downgrading. And he really thought in his mind that he was a wonderful person. In the end, I didn’t lose him. He lost me and if I had ever run into him in public, I’d spit on his face and walk away.

Mike, I met through these two brothers, Jim and Joe P. Jim’s the one who had a band and so did Joe till Joe had personal problems and Jim went into business. Jim owned a cleaning service for a while and I worked for him. This was when I first moved back to Woodside Terrace. While still on Oswego St., though, Mike was a roommate of Jim’s who I had a one-nighter with. He honestly told me up front he had a girlfriend, and I didn’t want a relationship with a guy. Of course, if I met him today, I wouldn’t sleep with him any more than I would with a butch. I’d sleep with no one if I could not get a decent enough woman. Mike was very friendly and very gentle and I’d probably have been very attracted to him if I was straight. When he first came over we talked, had coffee and agreed on only oral sex. He did a nice job down there.

Next, I’ll write about Tammy W, then Andy and Jessie, but I think I’ll go take a shower now. Then I may walk down to the coffee shop at Cumberland’s. Later, I’ll also have to go talk to that guy at the Chowder House about a part-time job there.

Later...

I am now in this little breakfast place that sort of reminds me of Dunkin Donuts. God only knows I don’t miss Springfield, although, I wish there was a Food Mart close by. Soon, I’m gonna go back home and try to catch some sleep, then get up to go to the Chowder House.

Later...

It’s amazing how friendly the people were to me at the breakfast place. I mean the man and the woman that worked there today and yesterday when I was there. I told them how I talked to this guy at a seafood place (the Chowder House) about a job as I simply need the extra money. So desperately that I’d even work 4-5 days. Especially since I see I’ll never be a singer and have been living on that dream for 25 years that seemed so real and so destined it had me fooled for so long. For 25 years. They told me to speak to the owners in the afternoon hours if the Chowder House doesn’t fall through.

I think it will, though, as I already met with Bob who’s the owner of the Chowder House and we discussed it and he showed me around. It’s small but nice and from what he tells me and these two girls tell me, the tips are good.

Those two girls, Tina and Kathy are so nice. This town amazes me. Especially Kathy, who I think might be gay, even though she says she’s married and hates her husband. You can somewhat tell she might be gay, but she’s not ugly and seems very friendly and outgoing. She’s a lot like me in speaking her mind and being open-minded. Two other things suggested she may be gay. One was that she used to do drugs. Two, her name is Kathy. Every Kathy, Ann, Mary, Carol, and Karen in the world is gay just about.

So anyway, last Saturday when I met Bob, he told me we’d meet again Tuesday or Wednesday. I just called him and he said he’s going to Springfield today, so tomorrow before 11 AM we’ll meet. That’s good.

When I fell asleep yesterday, I’d been up 18 hours or so, so I expected not to sleep only 4 hours. However, I woke up with an attack as I hadn’t had my Theodur in almost two days. When I got up I took it, as Kim got my refill and after an hour and a half, the attack died out.

At 9:30 or so last night, Tammy called and I spoke to her briefly, making no sense at all. I was still quite exhausted till I showered and ate. Tammy, Bill, and the girls may be coming up this weekend. I never thought she’d get here until the year 2000.

I could wait for the sun to come out more and finally get that tan I want. If I do that, though, I won’t be able to go grocery shopping later. I’ve been up since 8:30 last night. Then again, I don’t think I’ll fall asleep for a long while yet anyway. I guess I’ll get a tan.