I got to get out of screwing today, but I figured as much. It’s Saturday, and he’s still claiming to not be feeling well. He’s saying he thinks he was slightly diabetic because of how rundown he felt and has changed his eating habits. That’s all well and good but he doesn’t stick to anything. Almost everything he starts, he ends up quitting. Anyway, I still don’t know if this is an excuse to avoid me or not. He seemed perky enough today. Our usual sex day isn’t till tomorrow, so we’ll see what he does then. I’m sure it won’t be anything new and exciting.

He looked online for information on eBooks and said that if no one publishes it the regular way, then maybe I can send it to an eBook publisher. eBooks, of course, are books you buy electronically. You can either read it online or print it out. You can download it or you can have them send you a disk. If all goes well, I should have one ready for me to download within 24 hours. Anyway, he’s going to look more into getting a list of regular publishers tomorrow. It’s nice to know he’s this supportive of my writing, but sad to know he’d never support me if I decided I wanted invitro, and certainly not if I wanted to try the natural way.

Tom pointed out that he doubts his mother could read the copy of my story I gave her, Mary, Dave and Evelyn, so I printed out a large print copy for her.

Today was the driest, sunniest day in nearly a week. Yesterday, though, boy did I see the most breathtaking rainbow ever! Got some good shots of it, too.

The p-dogs are getting braver and braver and now they’re coming within a few feet of me. Soon, I should be able to get a close-up of them. They’re warming up to me the way the pigeons did. At least these buddies don’t make such a mess and are crapping on dirt and not a patio or around and in a pool!

My stereo’s CD player is as erratic as my periods. Today it decided to play CDs for me.

I’m sending Paula a few more pictures that I’ve been wanting to send for a few months, then that’s it. No more till and if I hear from her. I don’t do one-sided friendships. This is why I let Shelley go.

Another stupid Mexican called today, but I don’t think it left a message. Mexicans are so damn stupid!

Tom’s having trouble finding someone to haul the trailer out here. The only cock he found can’t do it till July, which may explain why I had a vibe about us getting it in July. Everyone else is too lazy to disconnect its power, phone, cooler, etc., although Tom’s OK with setting it up here himself. If we want something done right, we’ll do it with our own white hands. If worse comes to worst we’ll sign it over to the trailer park it’s at now. Then, according to Tom, his mom will feel bad for us for being all psyched up over having a storage place, that she’ll buy us a shed or something. Well, I hope that either way, we have something to store all the crap that’s outside in.

It’s been another peaceful weekend so far. The only thing I heard this afternoon for about 90 seconds was the beat of a car stereo towards the north, but I never saw anything. It was either traveling down a nearby road at a semi-soft volume, or it was blaring from miles and miles away.

Woke up at 121 pounds and it’s my own damn fault. Yesterday I got carried away and had around 2000 calories, and the day before that I had around 1500. So, I’m taking it a lot easier today.

There’s more I want to write about, but I want to go do other things for now.

It’s a good thing I went to bed when I did last night because it was thundering madly by 9:30. We got some steady rain for a while, too.

How do you wake up two pounds heavier after you’ve had your period, you’ve shit, and you’ve been eating so little? I haven’t had more than 1000 worth of food the last couple of days, and maybe about 300 calories worth of coffee, so why is it that I’m back to 120 pounds? Guess this is a reminder of how easily I gain weight and of how slow my metabolism is. It’s also a reminder that I can never have 1500-2000 a day without gaining whatever I’ve lost back.

Later...

Wow! I can’t believe all these storms! Still not enough water to flow down the washes like a river, though. It’s down to just 67 degrees out and I was even able to shut off the AC and open some windows in back to let the nice breeze flow in and freshen things up in here. I miss having an evaporative cooler, although that’d be useless at this time with the dew point so high. If the rain starts coming down hard again, I’ll have to shut the windows. For now, I’ve got one in the den open, the kitchen window’s open, and the retreat’s open. I’d open the living room and office, but the wind’s not coming in that way.

Later...

It stormed from 9:30 AM to 2:00 PM today.

I’ve been finding myself getting more and more bored these days. There are things I could do, but I just get sick of the same old, same old. I think back to the hotel/trailer days and I certainly don’t miss the hecticness of those days, but I never had time to be bored! I’ve taken up a new hobby, though, but I’ll discuss it here some other time.

I finally got everyone’s pictures printed out. All that time and BS just to print pictures! Good, God! Anyway, I’m also sending a few sheets to Evelyn each with 15 pictures on it, about 5 sheets to Paula, and only one to his mom. That’s because his mom’s already been out here. The next time he goes to the post office he’ll pick up a priority postage stamp, then I’ll write out their address on it and have him send it off, along with Larry’s tape, the next time he goes to the PO. Tammy could’ve gotten her pictures today, but if not, she’ll get them tomorrow. Better yet, there may be a one or two-day delay on hers, cuz she already moved. I just tried to call her (blocking the number and with every intention of hanging up if someone answered) and the phone’s no longer in service. So I guess this means the house is empty and up for sale. I wonder, though - would she have separated/divorced Bill if she hadn’t had Mark lined up and waiting for her? Somehow I doubt it. She can’t live without a man, married or not. Anyway, a week after sending out Doe and Art’s pictures and Larry’s tape, I’ll then launch Larry’s associate’s letters.

The monsoon season is officially here. Although it’s early and doesn’t usually come till late July, Tom says that once you have 3 days in a row where it’s cloudy/rainy, that’s when the start of the season is. It hasn’t started this early, though, since something like 1925. Anyway, this is the fifth cloudy day, but yesterday and today we didn’t get any rain here at the house. We could see that it was raining in pockets when we were out yesterday. Since so much of Arizona is so flat with low buildings, you can see so much of the sky at once. It was pretty neat seeing it rain here and rain there. You could tell by how the clouds would meet the ground.

That yucky smell in the second bath is back, although we can’t find any leaks. We just can’t find the source of the smells in either of the baths. It’s like this mysterious smell that cannot be found or fixed no matter what. Tom suggested the smell in the big bath was being blown in by the wind, which did die down when the wind shifted, but then how come I don’t smell the smell outside in the area it’d be coming from if that were it? What? Is something cursing us with stinky bathrooms?

He did do his office last Sunday at the last minute, but it’s sad to know that each week it’ll get messier and messier. I keep that door shut now. I can’t stand the depressing sight of piles and piles of clutter.

For the thousandth time, my stereo quit playing CDs. Rather than keep having Tom jiggle the loose connector, I decided to hang it up and use my other CD player, but with this stereo’s speakers. Someday I’ll have that CD changer which will hopefully be by December.

Woke up the other day at 118 pounds. Guess that dream was a premonition. Well, like I said, it did leave me with that feeling that said it wasn’t just a dream, although I’m not 115 pounds yet. I think I will be, though. It also helps to have changed my thinking. Instead of telling myself that I’ve got 20 pounds to lose, I tell myself to lose a few pounds at a time. Better to have many short-term goals than one big long-term one.

Raymond had a pacemaker put in the other day and is reported to be doing OK. In case I never said, although I’m sure I did, Raymond’s the oldest, then David, then Mary, then Tom, then Steven.

Tom says he’s going to look up publishers this weekend and that they’re not going to reject or accept me for what I write, but for how I write it. Well, I’d like to think I write pretty well. I think you can compare it to my singing – certainly better than most, but not the best there is. Anyway, I think my current story, although I’ve only got a few chapters done, is coming out better than the first one and that it’ll be even better. Although so many people can’t even spell their own fucking names, I still don’t think I’m destined to “be a writer,” so to speak. Not any more than what writing I’ve already done.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist went as expected – I have a zillion cavities. So many that he’s going to fill them in in sections and not all at once. He’s going to start with my lower incisors and my lower left molar which has been sensitive. The incisors have been especially sensitive to heat and cold lately, so I was also given special toothpaste for that. The best thing she gave me was this new thing that replaces flossing. My gums were great, according to her, and I had major gingivitis the last time I was there. There was no plaque or tartar on my teeth. The problem was between the teeth and the gum line. This was when I told her I do laze out of flossing cuz it’s so hard to do. Then she showed me these sticks you wedge back and forth between the teeth instead, and it’s so much easier. It makes the gums bleed, though, like she said it would at first.

After Cathy, the hygienist x-rayed and cleaned my teeth, they had me wait in the waiting room for a little while till they had a free room. Once they did, I was put in Mel’s room where she and the doc checked me out and made sure my retainers were snug. Two more months and I’ll only have to wear them at night.

Both yesterday and today, actually for over a week now, Tom’s been complaining about being tired and rundown. Tonight he said he felt achy and went to bed earlier. I don’t know if he’s been making this up as an excuse to avoid me, or if this guy’s really as stressed out as he says he is. He says he’s stressed out over the trailer and the lack of money, but I don’t understand how he can be that stressed out. We’re here. We’re in the house. We don’t have to prep a house to sell, deal with quacks and cons, deal with hotels, etc. So what if we’re a little tight for the rest of the year? And why is he so stressed out over the trailer? We’re not paying for it.

Then I got to thinking – maybe this man isn’t as strong as I always gave him credit for. Maybe he really can’t handle much, and maybe he really couldn’t have handled being a father and if he’s this stressed out over a trailer, then I can surely see why he’d do everything he could to dodge fatherhood. Well, don’t worry my dear. God took care of that long before we met.

I’m not sure whether or not to do a schedule rollover or not as I did after my last dentist appointment. They may not be booming by right now, but they very well may start up again before I can get my schedule flipped.

I’m feeling a little off today. I’m tired because I haven’t been sleeping well lately. We had more storms last night and a clap of thunder woke me up at fucking 4:00. I couldn’t get back to sleep for a couple of hours and when I finally dragged myself out of bed at 11:00, I was still pretty beat. Lately, I either haven’t been sleeping enough or I’m waking up every hour or two. I’m beginning to wonder when I’ll get a good night’s sleep.

I’m still spotting and so far, the one thing that has been faithful and consistent (a full flow) hasn’t happened yet. I’m stuck, though, which may be a good sign. It’s common to be stuck before your period, so maybe I’ll have a flow tomorrow. My tits certainly feel like I’m in for a real period. I had Tom look up my spotting symptoms online and he said they mentioned birth control doing that or menopause, but this can happen 10 years before menopause. Well, I am about 10 years from menopause, but I’m more convinced that my hormones have gone awry.

Earlier, when I stepped outside to feed the animals, I could hear someone playing a live bass somewhere towards the front of the house. At least it can’t be heard in the house with all the appliances running.

Later...

We had a 5-minute rain shower. It cleaned our dusty skylight off nicely and even sheeted down the back windows, but the front and side windows are still a bit dirty.

Later...

Now the rain is hitting the front windows after I’ve gone out to wash them myself with the squeegee. I can’t believe all this rain! And in June, too. I’m sure it’ll thunder on and off for the next 12 hours, so I can forget about a peaceful night’s sleep tonight, too. It’s better than some rude shitfuck waking me up with its stereo, though.

I tried getting a shot of a rainbow, but it wouldn’t come out. Both of us took some beautiful cloud formation pictures. I also took a few pics of him raking the mound of dirt in the back that was built up from when they dug the septic, to make room for the trailer to come in. Tom found somebody to haul it that’s registered with the BBB. We’ve learned our lesson about checking people out before hiring them, although either way, I’m sure they’ll fuck up somehow, some way, cuz 95% of the population is stupid and incompetent. And besides, that’s just our shit luck for you. Anyway, one of the pictures of Tom working looks really cool. It looks like there’s a ghost behind him when it’s really the powdery dirt he stirred up.

It looks like we won’t be screwing today because of the aches and pains he’s acquired from raking the dirt. I know it’s hard work what he did, and he hasn’t worked out for a week, but I wonder – is this guy really in such shit shape? I work out every day and do strenuous, rigorous exercises, yet I’m not sore. So I wonder – is he using that as an excuse for a lack of interest in sex, or what? If he’s not interested, that’s fine, cuz I’m not either. Neither of us has shown any desire all weekend long. I also wonder – does he buy me the things he buys me out of the goodness of his heart only? Or is it to make up for his lies and controlling ways? The last time I bitched about how I didn’t appreciate knowing he wouldn’t do his part to support me should I ever decide to have invitro, he said he’d “try to do better.” No thanks. I don’t want him to try to do better to support me with anything. He either supports me or he doesn’t, but he can’t try.

He bullshitted me about cleaning his office this weekend like he said he would and like I knew he would. Why is my husband such a liar? When he says he’s going to do something, it’s hit or miss. He faithfully sticks to burning trash on weekends, but hell if he’ll clean his fucking office! And he never intended to in the first place when he told me not to bother and said he’d do it himself. He knew he wasn’t ever going to do it. Why couldn’t he just come out and tell me he wanted to trash the place? He wants it trashed with clutter. That’s all he wants. He doesn’t want it dusted, vacuumed, neatened or uncluttered. But yet he couldn’t just come out and say so if he wasn’t up to doing me the favor of having to live with an uncluttered office for the sake of my allergies.

It’s been quiet and peaceful like it is 99% of the time around here. Again, how nice it is not to hear screaming, barking, music, and balls bouncing. How nice it is to look out the window in front and see nothing, instead of carports, houses, people, cars, basketball hoops, etc. We did see and hear some cool lightning and thunder, though. It stormed a little, but not much. It was partly cloudy all day, then it got pretty windy and the clouds turned nasty looking. We only got hit by the edge of the storm and therefore, we only got a few drops of rain. Not enough to completely wet the ground and clean our dusty windows. I got a couple of neat cloud formation pictures, but not the rainbows or the bright, distinct lightning bolts. I can still hear thunder. The power went in and out a few times. It’s so cool looking out there right now. The ground and sky are almost the same color. Everything’s got a golden-brown tint to it. It’s because of the dust still stirring around.

We went to sit out front on the steps for a while, and now the rodents are even coming out while we sit out there! Evelyn, who says they are prairie dogs, says they come right up to you at the zoo. Well, these pals now know I bring them food, so maybe they’ll eventually come up to me the way the pigeons did so I can get a really good picture of them.

I’ve been seeing fewer lizards lately cuz they go by temperature, not the time of day. So, they’re out real early, before I get up, and they come out at sunset.

Yesterday I ended up being up for 18 hours. I just couldn’t sleep. When I finally fell asleep at 4:00, I thought I’d sleep till noon or later, but I was up at 10:30.

I’m measuring out at 35½ for my tits, 29 waist, 37 hips, and 22 thighs. It’s nice to know my hard work is paying off. Yeah, right! All I’ve lost is an inch from my thighs and tits – big fucking deal. Tom reminded me that we don’t measure the other areas where I’ve gone down – the backs of my upper thighs, my lower back and upper abs. Yeah, but that was a long time ago. When am I gonna move on and go down in other spots for a change?

His mom got me a pattern book for Barbie clothes and gave me some more material. This was really nice of her, but it’d be nice if I could find patterns for porcelain dolls, although Tom says we can improvise. I also appreciate the fabric she’s given me, but most of it’s too skinny for porcelain doll clothes. The material’s in strips and I don’t care to make Barbie clothes. Still, for practice, he and I made a pair of shorts using the not-so-nice material. We got new needles for the sewing machine, but I’d just assume sew doll clothes by hand, being as little as they are, cuz the sewing machine isn’t very reliable. I still want to get more fabric, elastic, Velcro and snaps.

Tom said not to expect them to go booming by today since another plane went down. Damn! That’s a lot of planes going down. No one was killed, though. The pilot ejected.

The last time we went out, I paid closer attention to the house diagonally in front of us and it’s not directly across from next door. It looks like they too, have a bare parcel in front of them. Speaking of parcels, I had a really cool idea. I know this is pure fantasy, but oh how I wish we could buy George’s land in back of us. That way we could control what goes on back there.

Tom told me that he heard that Springfield and parts of Connecticut had an earthquake and I was like – yeah, right! He said he heard someone say they get that there from time to time. Bull shit they do. I lived there for 26 years without experiencing any earthquakes.

Tom and I both watched Carol in When a Stranger Calls Back, and she is sooo hot! Although she’s actually very average-looking, she totally turns me on. There’s just something about her and I just can’t get her off my mind. I can’t stop thinking about her. All I do day and night is fantasize about her, but it’s such a fun thing to do! I’d rather fantasize about her than get together with him tomorrow evening and go through all that boring hard work just to get him hard. I do him for 10 minutes, then he goes in me for about two, then pulls out when he’s close to cumming. All that hard work for just a hard-on? Please! I thought it was the guy that’s supposed to do more work than the woman, anyhow?

Today marks two weeks that I’ve been spotting. I thought I was going to have a real flow when I got up, but all I had was a little gush when I first got up (things settle in you when you’ve been lying flat for so many hours), then nothing.

I’m still stressing out over that all-day allergy attack I know is due to hit any moment, and I’m just hoping and praying it won’t strike when I’m out. We probably won’t be going out to Red Lobster this year, either.

Woke up at 120 pounds, rather than 122, because we decided to go to Red Lobster Monday. Instead, we went to Sun Lake’s Dairy Queen after stopping in Walgreens and all I had was a small shake. I also could still be watery and in for a real period within the next few days, although I’m still spotting on and off. Lastly, I haven’t shit much in the last couple of days. I’ve shit, but not much. Maybe after a good flow and Red Lobster, I can work on getting to 117 pounds. I’m trying to look at it as many short-term goals, rather than one big long goal of losing around 20 pounds. After I achieve 117, if I can, I’ll strive for 115, and so on and so forth.

Wow! I just saw the biggest dust devil ever! It really looked tornado-like and if that had hit the house I certainly would’ve felt it. I managed to get a fairly decent shot of it, but I wish I could’ve gotten to the camera as soon as I saw it. The funnel was tall, skinny and very distinct. I could even see the swirling motion and it had to be a mile away.

When I went out to feed the rodents, they didn’t even go in their hole this time. They just moved back till I went back inside, then they came running for the food. They’re getting more and more used to me. I think they even look forward to seeing me lately. They love the treats I bring them which, I’m sure, makes their lives easier.

Tom said that yesterday during his lunch break, he went to a place to get a new printer, but they didn’t have what we wanted, so he got some Epson cartridges and I printed out all of Tammy’s pictures, which are ready to go to her. I need another cartridge or a refill kit to do Art and Doe’s. Meanwhile, I’m still full on black and left a little color so I could print text.

We left at 5:00 and went to Walgreens first. I took some pictures along the way, but they didn’t come out too well because the digital camera we have doesn’t do distances well.

At Walgreens, I got a Barbie that came in a pink floral dress. The dress is nice, but it’s sort of 60 or 70ish, so I threw it on the doll I got from Ma and put a blue glittery bathing suit on her. Now I have a dozen Barbies. This one’s hair is more like gold/blond, rather than yellow/blond.

I got an ‘I love you’ suncatcher. It’s a hand in the form of the initialed sign for “I love you.” I put that in my office window.

I also got some neon computer paper and a glass cactus figurine that looks way better than I thought it would. It’s in the den and it reflects light really pretty. Even at night.

Although they did have that stuff that’s supposed to balance your hormones, I decided to wait on it cuz I wanted to get the other things I got. I was originally planning on getting a couple of puzzles with some coupons I had, but couldn’t find any I liked.

Tom’s had a stressful week at work. I hope things get better for him, but I doubt they will. As long as people are going to be so stupid and as long as he’s gonna have to do other people’s work for them, he’s gonna be under stress.

I’m under stress myself right now. I’m due any day now for an all-day allergy attack and I’m wondering – will it hit Monday when we go out to eat? Tuesday at the dentist?

Dan’s definitely gone. I haven’t seen any lights on over there, it’s quiet, and as Tom said, his front gate is shut when it usually isn’t.

They didn’t boom anymore yesterday after I heard them in the morning. Today they boomed just before 9:30 this morning, but only a few times this time. I haven’t heard them again since.

Received my anniversary present from the military today. Yes, they’re definitely back to booming again for sure, and the date makes sense. I knew they’d start either on the 1st or the 15th. So, no going off schedule for a while after my dentist appointment. I can’t anyway, what with the trailer coming in. If they boom as long as they did last time, they’ll be booming till September 1st. I heard them just after 9:00, which proves I really did pick the best time to get up. They had me worried there for a minute. I heard boom after boom. About 20 of them close together and I was like – wait a minute! You mean they’re gonna boom every few minutes instead of a few booms 1 to 4 times a day? Well, not every day. They do skip some days. I think they were flying something like 2 or 3 times a week on average.

Woke up at 119 pounds again, but it looks like I’m going to be stuck today, and today’s the day we may go out, so I’ll be back to about 122 in a day or two. He had hoped to get off early today, but he has a meeting, so who knows how late he’ll get in? It seems something up there wants us to eat with the dinner crowd. The city’s crowded at all times, but we may only be able to go out when it’s most crowded. I want to go out, but I want to eat in peace, which is something you can rarely do anymore in restaurants. I don’t want food thrown at me and I don’t want to eat to the tune of screaming kids. What the fuck do people take little kids out to eat for anyway? Can’t they wait till they’re a bit older and a bit more civilized?

In case we don’t go out, I’m making Tom some mashed potatoes that he loves.

Carol looked OK in the movie yesterday, but this movie wasn’t worth making pictures from. I don’t think there’s a movie or show of hers out there where she looks as good as she did in When a Stranger Calls Back, and at the end of Office Killer. For being the angel of a girl who lost her mom, I’m surprised she only made half a dozen or so brief 1-minute appearances.

Last night at 10:00 I heard a boom car stereo drive by, but only a few beats of music, and I don’t think it was the red car. I never saw anyone drive down those streets. All I saw by the time I got to the front window was the taillights of a car heading away from the house on the opposite side of which I saw the red car. See, I still think there are Mexicans in front of next door, or very close to them, and I still think the majority of the people living in this area are Mexicans and not white supremacists as Tom says. I don’t know if this car just visits or if it lives there, but I’d say it lives there. That’s a little late to be visiting on a weeknight, although it’s not unheard of, and most Mexicans don’t work.

For the second time, I woke up at 119 pounds and even shit, too. How is it that I miraculously got the strength all of a sudden to stick to having 1000 calories a day? Maybe I got fed up with God controlling my body. It’s been about a week now, but if we do go to Red Lobster, I ain’t holding back! There’s no way, though, I could eat 1500-2000 calories a day and expect to maintain whatever I lose. If I were to jump my calories that high I’d gain my weight back. Everyone’s different, and in my case, I think I’d have to stay around 1200-1300 calories a day to maintain.

I decided to go with sending my version of the story to publishers. Either way, it’s destined to get rejected. We probably won’t send it out till next month, though.

As I mentioned before, I got a Barbie doll with short, balding hair, and a cheap 7” doll. Well, since the 7” doll had a full head of hair, although not a great face, I put her head on Barbie’s body and ditched the old head and the 7” body. I’m amazed by how well the head fits, although the face is a bit chubby.

Yesterday, after a couple of days of trying, he got me set up so I could capture pictures from Carol’s videos in the way I did with Norah’s and Gloria’s. God never failed to remind me throughout my task how much he disapproved of what I was doing because the tape kept stopping. The pictures were a bit grainy, so I couldn’t get great pictures and I only got about a dozen, but it was still fun to do. She’s gonna be in a 1995 movie tonight, but I don’t expect she’ll look too good in it. I don’t think she looked very good in 85% of the stuff she’s been in.

Later...

I’m still spotting on and off. It’ll be interesting to see if I still have a real period this weekend when it’s due.

Tom quit working out. I knew he would. if you think I had trouble sticking to exercise plans before getting this thing, well, he’s even worse. It’s just that he’s OK with himself. Most men, unlike most women, tend to be OK with extra weight. He’s also obsessed with going in the opposite direction in which I’m going. So if he sees me working to slim down, then all the more he’s gonna hang on to his 40-50 extra pounds.

I’m still spotting and getting waterier and my tits are getting sorer as if I’m going to have a full flow right about when I’m supposed to – this weekend. But why the fuck do I have to spot for two weeks before my period? It used to be for a few days to a week, but now two weeks? Christ! Can’t I just get my period when it’s due and not have anything going on when I’m not supposed to? Better yet, can’t I just have a hysterectomy and be done with periods? I’m still curious about checking out that Estroven and I really think my hormones have been out of whack all along, but this doesn’t mean I think I’ll conceive if my hormones were balanced properly and if he miraculously lost his fear of cumming. If that’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be, whether you have problems or are perfectly healthy. The more I think about it, the more I’m certain that the two-week spotting episode I had summer of ’96 had nothing to do with a miscarriage. It wouldn’t take two weeks to have a miscarriage, and here I am spotting for over a week without him cumming at all.

I haven’t seen any rodent activity out front yesterday and so far today. I wonder if that means a snake is nearby.

People’s stupidity continues to affect Tom’s and my life. Yesterday the poor guy couldn’t get home till around 7:00 because they just had to fuck up at work. And I told Tom I saw him getting more and more hours at work little by little. He said he’ll just leave earlier later in the week, cuz they still don’t want him working overtime. Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts.

We’re going out tomorrow or the next day, our anniversary, but it doesn’t look like Steven and Dan will allow us to go to Red Lobster this year. That’s OK, though. I do love lobster, but I don’t need it, and I’ve had enough restaurants, as well as hotels, to last a lifetime.

Back in Phoenix I always had to wear dark sunglasses when I went out, but lately, I don’t need them as much when I go out. I think this is because spending time in such a dark dungeon like the Phoenix house was, then going out into the bright sunshine was quite a shock to my eyes. Here, though, my eyes are used to brightness because this house is so bright and open with its many windows.

I have a small nest with a little figurine of a couple of birds, plus a couple of little plastic eggs. I had it at the base of the pink floral tree, but I wedged it up in some branches and it looks really cool. At least we got something good out of Steven.

We’ve spoken to Evelyn and she is going to take the studio apartment and will be moved out of the trailer on the 17th. I’m excited for her and I hope her new place is quieter. She called again today saying she found out you have to get a form of some kind and wanted Tom’s work number so she could ask him about it. I guess she said she could pick it up if he wasn’t going to. We have to get a permit and he has to call the county and all this bullshit just for a fucking trailer. It’s bigger than we thought, though. She says it’s only 10’ wide, but it’s 50’ long. Just 16’ shorter than this monster.

I rewrote the end of Burned Soul the way he said he’d write it, which shortened the story from 105 pages to 85 pages, although I saved a copy of my version. The way I wrote the story was like this – in the prologue, Christina burns her house down by playing with matches and her mother kills herself at her folk’s house. For the main story – Anne, her younger sister Edie, and her mother Patrice (her father died of cancer) move in next to Colette and Don Oren and their twin girls Giselle and Liselle who are close to Anne’s age, plus an even younger girl Bailey, close to Edie’s age. Christina’s ghost haunts Anne and possesses her to kill. Christina kills one of the twins, then Anne goes on to kill her sister and a couple of classmates. At one point, Anne and Liselle, the twin that’s still alive, get kidnapped by some crazy murderer and he keeps them in his cellar till they break free and he gets thrown in jail for murder and kidnapping. Christina then possesses her mother to kill herself right in front of Anne and her boyfriend Tom, then Anne moves in with the Orens. Anne confesses her killings to Liselle and they clash and are forced to share a room. Then Anne kisses up to her to win her over. Anne tries to kill Bailey, whom she feels is a pest by mixing pills in a glass of water, but all it does is put her in a brief coma. That same night Kyle the killer/kidnapper breaks out of jail and kidnaps Anne again and they live in a mobile trailer till Anne’s 17 and Kyle dies of a heart attack. While Anne’s absent, Colette discovers her diary where she fesses to murder and shows it to the cops. Both the cops and she highly suspect Anne’s a murderer. Anne then returns to the Orens and is told she has to get a job and move out when she’s 18. Anne gets a job as a topless dancer, but tells the Orens she’s a cocktail waitress at a bar. She turns 18 and pushes the younger daughter down the stairs and Colette throws her out. Anne moves in with a lesbian co-worker. She goes back to the Orens to fetch her diary and unexpectedly runs into Colette, whom she kills. Anne knows she’s now wanted for murder, so she goes back to her apt. and dyes her hair and splits. She hitches a ride out of the area with a trucker who tries to kill her, but she kills him instead. In the epilogue, Anne gets a job as a live-in nanny and she writes evil thoughts in her diary about how she wishes she could replace the Mrs. of the house.

Tom’s version was to change it from where Anne was rekidnapped and have Kyle caught and it is learned that he had nothing to do with Anne’s disappearance. Meanwhile, everyone’s still certain Anne’s a killer. Anne was kidnapped by Christina and dragged next door to her old house which is still empty, but is shortly caught and put away when she goes out to scrounge for food. In the epilogue, a new family moves into Anne’s old house, and the girl, who’s Anne’s age, gets a visit from Christina.

Later...

Wow, I can actually hear a dog barking, but only when the AC’s off and only in the back of the house. I wonder if Dan took his 3 dogs with him if he’s truly gone? I doubt it. That’s so cruel; leaving dogs in a pen 24/7 with no one to give them any attention. He probably has next door feeding and watering them once a day unless he has some sort of automatic feeder.

Saw Carol in When a Stranger Calls Back and she looked great. Different than in Office Killer cuz her hair was much longer but great. It was the first serious role I’ve seen her in. Most of her roles require her to be a geek of some type, but she was all business in this movie and she spoke in a normal voice. Her voice is still rather high-pitched, though.

Instead of having my entry dates in bold print, I’m now highlighting them. Yellow, bright green, and bright blue are the best colors to use cuz the others are too dark. I’ll use a different color for each month.

Later...

For 5 days now, going on 6, I have faithfully stuck to my diet. I woke up at 121 again, I’m not stuck, and I swear I’ve gained 2 or 3 pounds since being up. I haven’t weighed myself again, though, cuz I don’t need to. I know when I gain weight. I can tell. Is it truly weight I’ve gained? Is it water? It must be because I just don’t see how I could gain weight on the calories I’ve been having.

I just can’t fucking lose weight no matter what and even if I could, I couldn’t keep it off. What would it take? Cutting my calories to 500 a day every day for the rest of my life?

I saw a commercial for a thing called Estroven that’s supposed to naturally balance your hormones prior to menopause. I wonder if I’ve had a hormone imbalance all my life and if that’s why my periods are so erratic. I wonder if this stuff will regulate my periods so I get a period for a few days every 4 weeks, rather than for over a week every 2 or 3 weeks. I’ve been rotating between spotting and lightly flowing for 8 or 9 days now.

Tom finished proofreading my story and he loaded it on my computer in a new file. He highlighted typos and sentences he thought were worded funny or that didn’t make sense. I corrected all but two of the typos, unsure of why he highlighted them in the first place, so I’ll have to ask him about it.

Not much to update on. I’ve been in a lazy mood today, not wanting to do much of anything. I’ve been rowing away a lot of my boredom.

Tom hasn’t hit me for sex and I’m certainly not about to bring it up. I’m not in the mood to deal with that.

Because I was stuck yesterday, it set me back to 121 pounds. This is the fifth day in a row I’ve miraculously had only 1000 calories, not counting coffee, although yesterday I had an extra potato so I could shit today. I’ll end up having a little less than 1000 in food today, so hopefully I’ll be back just under 120 tomorrow.

My period finally ended after a whole week, if that’s what it was. I spotted for about 6 days, then I had a light flow, and now I’ve completely dried up. I’d love to have something go wrong that’d cause me to need a hysterectomy. I don’t need my uterus and am more than willing to give up periods altogether. It’s just that I wish that if that’s where I’m heading, it would just happen and not be a long drawn-out ordeal. I don’t need the long build-up.

Tom and I both saw Carol in Office Killer. It was so nice to see it again. It’ll also be nice to check out the other movie she’s in tomorrow.

Later...

Just when I thought Tom wasn’t going to bring up sex, he did. Well, it is Sunday, and it is late in his day. The surprising part of it, though, is his wanting to get together at 4:00 before we do a computer project we’re gonna do, rather than at 7:00 or so after we’re done. As usual, though, he’s got to take a shower first. I know good and well what he’s doing in the shower too, besides washing himself and shampooing his hair, but what can you do? If this is the way he wants it - so be it. I’m not exactly looking forward to getting together, cuz I know it’s gonna hurt like hell and I know exactly what’s going to happen.

Later...

After warming him up, we screwed. And it wasn’t painful like I thought it would be. He said I did an excellent job of warming him up (I did try harder to use more variety). There was blood on the sheets when we were through, but it must be leftover from my period cuz like I said, there was no pain. So, how do I feel about the fact that I let us get together? Mixed emotions. I wish I had the strength to say no to him for the rest of my life and ignore his feelings, but he doesn’t feel the guilt I feel. I tell myself he won’t miss a thing, but I still feel guilty. He may not want to do anything to please me in bed, but I can’t help but want to please him.

Later...

Here I am ragging again. What the fuck is going on? God, please please please let me need a hysterectomy! I’m sick of periods, erratic or not, you don’t want me having kids, I don’t want them, so why not? I’m the perfect candidate. But that makes me not a perfect candidate in his eyes. If I wanted a kid and if there was hope for me to conceive and if my husband came, then I’d be more qualified for the hysterectomy. I’m still surprised, though, knowing I was never meant to have kids, that he hasn’t had me have to have one. I’m sure he didn’t so he could tease me with it like he allowed it to be the case in the mid-90s. It couldn’t have been an issue between Tom and me, eating me up for years if he had had me have one, although I always knew deep down that fate is fate with or without a uterus.

In case I forgot to mention this before, I decided not to send Andy’s parents a letter in “his handwriting.” I don’t want to fuck him over in any way, I just don’t want him to be in my life. He’ll always be in my heart and my memory, but I don’t want him on my phone or in other places too close for comfort.

Another weekend of waking up free of freeloaders. And this is the time of year when the Mexicans hang outside till dawn. Hope the H’s are sound sleepers, but either way, they’re their problem now, not ours. The weekends go by fast when you’re not counting them down.

It seems Dan may have finally left, but I’m not sure. He definitely doesn’t like the heat and he confined most of his engine-gunning and music to the winter. The music part of it makes sense, cuz that’s when you can comfortably open your windows to let the sound out, and you figure others are going to have their windows open too, to receive the sound.

Today Tom’s out clearing brush for where the trailer’s going to go, but he probably won’t be able to go online to find someone to haul it till tomorrow, cuz the stupid phone company cut wires in this area and our phone’s dead. It’s a good thing we have the cell phone.

This is the fourth day in a row I’ve woken up with congestion, but there is a good side to it – I’m not as tight come the end of my day.

I made a deal with Tom, although I know he’ll break his promise to me like he usually does, and that he’s doing nothing but making lame excuses. He says he’s going to dust and vacuum his office weekly so he can leave things out, which really means so he can trash it by having it full of clutter. He said he’ll keep the door shut, too. He claims that’s the only way he can find things and keep track of his stuff, but he couldn’t find things in Phoenix where he trashed things either. I know you won’t stick to dusting and vacuuming your office, I told him, and as soon as my allergies get worse, I’m gonna go in there and box up all your clutter and take care of things myself. Then you can really bitch about not finding things. I’m just sick of this guy not keeping his word! He promised me that once we moved and he had a room to himself that keeping his shit neat, organized and uncluttered would be no problem.

I also woke up at 119½ pounds! But it totally, totally fucking figures that I can’t shit. Whenever I drop to a weight my body is not used to weighing, I stop shitting till my body adjusts to its new weight.

Later...

It’s looking more like Dan has left, but if he does decide to stay here year-round, he’s OK in the summer. As long as it’s hot he’s not a source of noise. It’s been very quiet around here. No bangers or music of any kind. All we’ve heard are the sounds we make. It’s been the way it should be. Especially for being in a rural area.

I’m so confused still. Torn between having sex and just letting myself be Tom’s submissive and letting him control the sex, and saying no, not till you do it my way at least some of the time.

Like I said, the issue’s no longer a case of me having to have a child. The issue is – how can he be so damn contradicting and how can he lie like he has? What man that says he wants a kid and that’s like he is (unless he wants to be like he is) doesn’t do anything to get help and see if he has a shot at a kid naturally, even if the odds are a million to one? What? Would he prefer the invitro over the natural way if he had the choice? How can he have sat back and watched this issue eat at me year after year and not do anything to help/change things? I’m still glad we never had a kid up till now, but I know that if I were him back in the mid-90s and I said I wanted a kid and I saw how my wife was torn up over not being able to have one, I’d want to do everything I could to help change things.

Unless I didn’t want a kid.

And unless I didn’t want my wife to have a kid, either.

Earlier he gave me a series of lame, senseless excuses like he’s done ever since I’ve known him. He said something about how he’s doing all he can and how his understanding of how I feel that and about my family and the people in Phoenix, and us moving here is connected to changing how he is, etc., but that’s all fucking bullshit. What the fuck does my family and old neighbors have to do with his not cumming and being so controlling in bed? Except for any mail I’ve sent these people or plan on sending, these people are a thing of my past.

He’ll never change. Never. Because he doesn’t want to.

Been here for 8 years! Right this moment 8 years ago, I was either in Greenfield talking to Sheila, or at Boo and Max’s in Longmeadow. I know I took a nap for an hour or two at their house before leaving for the airport. My plane took off at 4:30 ET. I landed at 7:30 AZ time and 10:30 ET time.

For the third time, I’ve decided to change the title of my current story. First I started off with A Matter of Priority, then it became He’d Stop at Nothing, and now I want to make it He’ll Stop at Nothing. I think it sounds better.

Later...

I finally spoke to Lisa. It was a spontaneous decision to call. I looked at the clock, and knowing school was out and that Tammy would probably be at Mark’s store, I called. Sure enough, Lisa answered. I reminded her that my silent treatment had nothing to do with her and that I still loved her very much and missed her tremendously. I also told her we moved, were happy, and that I didn’t want to give our address or number, not because I didn’t trust her, but because she could slip. Even the smartest, most trustworthy people can slip, and I don’t want the information to end up in the wrong hands, even the worst that could come of it would be unwanted mail, or more likely, unwanted phone calls that would never get answered, thanks to caller ID. Speaking of caller ID, Tammy’s got it. She never had that as long as I knew her, and I’ll bet you anything that she got it around the time we moved to see if she could get our number if I called. I hope to hell I remembered to block any calls I’ve made to her, as well as to Larry and Sandy’s parents. I did get a private hang-up after calling Sandy’s folks, but that could’ve been anyone and my guess is that Tammy doesn’t have the number, or else she’d have called by now. At least I blocked it out this time for sure.

Anyway, like I’ve told Lisa before, my not contacting them has nothing to do with her. I just got fed up, especially with Doe, Art and Larry, etc. She claims she hasn’t talked to Larry in over a year and I do believe her this time because by now Larry would be fed up with dealing with her. Especially when he realized he couldn’t spite Tammy and replace Larry by getting custody of her. And because of the close connection to Tammy. Her being Tammy’s daughter would be enough to drive him away. Lastly, I’d hope that Lisa would’ve learned her lesson about people like Larry by now. Again I told her that she has to do what she has to do, but if she knows what’s good for her, she won’t contact Larry ever again. She said she still keeps up with her singing, but that I have no idea what her life has been like, in a not-so-thrilled tone of voice. I let her know that I’m sure I did have an idea of what her life’s been like. I asked her if she was still smoking and she said yes and that at least she was being honest. I appreciate that, I told her. I’d rather her tell me something I didn’t want to hear that was true than a nice-sounding lie.

I wasn’t surprised to learn that Tammy is going to marry Mark and that they’re moving in with him. Then she’s gonna sell the house. She finally gets to move after 15 years of being cramped in that tiny house. I knew it’d come down to this too, and I’ve noticed a pattern; relatives and friends always seem to move around the same time. Within a year of each other. At least she didn’t marry Mark just 5 minutes after meeting him unlike with the others. Maybe she has broken the abusive-men cycle she was on. And maybe she can and will defend herself and put her foot down in the future if need be, but hopefully there won’t be a need to.

I signed off by letting Lisa know I loved her and might contact her every 6 months to a year and that it’d be best if we didn’t contact each other regularly. She gave me Mark’s number and advised me of his Caller ID. I’m still perfectly OK with never seeing Doe, Art, Tammy or Larry again because they are that detrimental to my emotional state and to my overall sanity, but I sure do miss Lisa!

Later...

Got quite a surprise from Ma. I had asked if she had any doll patterns, never expecting to get that, and a couple of dolls, too! One’s a Barbie-type doll, although it’s not Barbie. The other’s a small, cheap 7½” doll. I can tell these dolls are quite old, too. From the 60s or 70s. The Barbie and Barbie-type dolls of today tend to have hair past their asses. In the 60s and 70s, they tended to have short hair or hair no longer than the waist. This doll has short red hair, including a bald spot I covered using an old ribbon as a headband. The other doll has curly brown hair to the middle of its back. Anyway, we’ve got a pattern for a few different outfits, including one to make a teddy bear with. Got a seam-ripper too, which I’ve been wanting. I lost mine years ago. Tom’s gonna do the math to improvise anything we make for the porcelain dolls cuz the patterns are for dolls smaller than they are. It looks like I got blue and gold lace and a few pieces of material. A little scrap of blue vines on a white background. A solid melon-colored piece. And a pink piece with white flecks. For now, I’ve got the Barbie-size doll in one of the spare Barbie dresses, and the little one’s naked cuz I don’t have anything that fits her any more than I’ve got anything that fits my 17” plastic doll.

Ma also gave us an anniversary card and a check for the usual $25, but Tom says we’re still on for the printer.

Tom said they were doing some construction here in town which held him up a bit (he called from the cell phone) and I was like – Here? Here in Maricopa, we’ve got construction holding us up?

I awoke to an overcast day. It’s nice to have for a change. The sun’s been popping in and out of the clouds all day. Rare weather for Arizona and common for New England.

I unpacked the dolls that I had stuffed in boxes in my closet and set them up again because I know it’s just a matter of time before I have another allergy attack for no apparent reason at all.

I’m proud of myself for having only 1000 calories yesterday. It may have been a little more counting the coffee I had. I wish I had the willpower to do this every day. If I could be consistent, I could probably get down to 110-115 pounds. I was 122 yesterday and today I woke up at 120½. I still can’t imagine ever dropping below 120.

Later...

Larry’s sick uncle is another one on my mailing list to receive a letter, but I had to address it to G Exterminating, cuz the fucker’s not listed. That’s because I called him enough times to cause him to get an unlisted number back in the mid-80s or so. So now there are 4 associates of Larry’s that’ll be hearing from me. Sandy’s parents, Sandy’s brother (I think he’s her brother), Jenny C and Ronnie G.

I made the mistake of letting Houdini run around free for an hour last night. At the end of the hour, which was all I’d allow him to stay out, he made me chase him all over the master suite! I finally trapped him in the shower stall and trickled some cold water on him. Naturally, he wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of taking a shower. He was too fast for me. I knew he’d just run by me if I opened the shower door. So I opened it a crack and put a tube up to the crack and trapped him in the tube and brought him home in that.

I worked some more on my He’d Stop at Nothing stalker story last night. It’s off to a good start.

This is the second month in a row I’ve had mid-cycle spotting, but it’s better than the pain in my side I sometimes get. And when I say mid-cycle, I mean close enough to it, if not right on the nose. I heard you can bleed when you ovulate, but this is a bit much for that, so who knows why my periods have gotten so erratic and why I have spotting at weird times? My guess is that it has to do with a hormone imbalance which probably accounts for why I could never conceive, on top of my husband’s dry, limp dick.

I’ve completely ditched him sexually. I’m so fed up. If he wanted to drive me away sexually, he finally succeeded, for I cannot take one more year of the same old fucking bullshit. It’s boring, it’s old, it’s predictable, and I’m sick of being controlled and lied to. He’s totally killed all my interest in sex. The only way to eliminate 95% of our fights is to drop the sex and forget about invitro. Even if I wanted a kid as bad as I used to – he wouldn’t allow it. He’d interfere with my conceiving, and if he didn’t, God would make sure I miscarried. I’m done for sex and any talk of invitro.

He made a grid to make adobe bricks like the Indians did. He wants to make a garden with a wall that’ll keep animals out, so he’s making bricks out of mud. I’m amazed at how hard they dry up to be.

Later...

Tom called from work and I bitched him out for not straightening up his office so I can dust it easier. He’s so stuck on having things his way and trashing that fucking office of his. Again he said he forgot, was sorry, and made some lame excuse about having things on his mind. Yeah, it’s the same bullshit week after week, as usual, so who cares?

He also told me that because the machine ate up the ATM card, he would have to go to a branch to see if the stock money came in, but he didn’t want to take the time to do that, so he was going to go borrow the money from ma till he could get our money. But that will take even longer. It’ll take even longer to drive to his mother for money than to drive to a bank and wait in line. I’ll ask him more about it later.

It turns out I was very wrong about my suspecting that the teacher I had in 5th grade was dead. I called her son’s place after looking up the number on the net and she’s not only very much alive, but she’s still teaching in Longmeadow! I didn’t talk to her son, though. I spoke to some old lady and told her I was in Arizona and was once a student of hers and wanted to surprise her with a letter. Oh, yes, I do intend to send a letter too, letting her know that she, along with the other teachers, should be ashamed of themselves for looking the other way. These people had to know I was being abused. No child acts out like I did without a reason, and they did nothing to help me. I threw in a fib too, saying I dated her son, who’s the same age as I am, in the late 80s. That oughta surprise and confuse her and her son. I can picture her son being like – What? I never dated any such person!

Anyway, I’m surprised she’s still teaching. I would’ve thought she’d either be dead or retired, but she’s only 62. I guess that a person in their late 30s seems much older to a 10-year-old.

Later...

They were right when they said that doing the inner thigh exercises wouldn’t make them smaller. All it did was make them firmer. All any of these exercises do is firm things up. They do not change size/appearance. In order to do that, you have to lose weight, and that’s just not something I can do, so I have to settle for feeling firmer and that’s it.

Later...

Tom’s home now. It seems I misunderstood him. He said that instead of going to the bank he decided to go see his mother at the center she’s at during the week, not that he was going to see her to save time. He said his ma was psyched to see him and that she’s being well cared for at the center. That’s a relief to hear.

It seems one of the jokes that I wrote in my last letter to her was a bad idea. She’s too out of it, I guess, to have realized I was joking, and I even said so too, but I guess I should’ve known better. It seems I’m always saying something wrong, although Tom says it’s no big deal. In my last paragraph, I jokingly said that we were outside when I spotted a snake and snuck up behind Tom with it and wrapped it around his neck. Then I signed off by saying – P.S. Just kidding about the snake. Anyway, from what Tom told me, she was asking him – Did she really pick up a snake?

My vibes about the teacher being dead may have been way off, but my July vibe on the trailer looks like it’s going to be right. Evelyn called saying she has an appointment Monday to check out an apartment and that if she likes it, she can move in on the 15th. Meanwhile, she wanted to know how Tom wants to do the title. I guess all she needs to do is sign it over to us so it’s in our name, then we’ll probably have to get it notarized. I’m just as happy for her as I am for us. She’s in Mexican hell where she is in this dumpy old trailer park. When she described the car stereos, the Mexican bands, the drugs, I was thinking – are you sure you don’t live on our old street?

Oh, I can’t believe how stupid I am! How utterly fucking stupid of me! I put the rats in with the large group of mice in the big tank while I was doing their cage and Houdini viciously attacked and killed Toughie. He went for the throat and she was dead in seconds. This was no pin-the-opponent play game, either. This was a vicious attack meant to kill. Fortunately, the other mice stayed safe within the tubes. I’ve done this a few times before and there were no problems so I didn’t expect there would be this time. Still, how dumb of me to take chances like this! It’s my fault as much as Houdini’s, and despite what he’s done, I still love the murderous bastard.

I sort of fibbed to Tom when I called him at work about it and told him that the rats were in a tank right next to theirs and that Houdini jumped into their tank. I’m OK with lying to him every now and then about things like this and like the basketball hoop I had removed, and the breakfast I walked out without paying for. After all, he’s lied to me about much more serious things than that. So, unless he reads my journals, he’ll never know the full truth.

Later...

And another Mexican called! That’s the fifth Mexican to call this number in the last month or so. What is it with all these Mexicans calling us anyway? This one didn’t have the guts to talk when it left a message. All I heard was its TV. I asked Tom if there were ever more whites than Mexicans in Arizona and he swears there are more whites right now. He says it’s Mexican culture to hang outdoors and white culture to hang out in their houses, so that’s why I see more Mexicans when we go out. Yeah, that makes sense. Just like with the blacks, those Mexies always did have to be outside where they could be noticed. Always got to make a scene and get attention. I just dread the day when some Mexican moves in behind us with her 5 boyfriends, 10 children, 15 uncles and aunts, 20 cousins, and 30 “friends.” Where there’s one Mexican, there are 50. They’re like ants. One big trail of ants. It’s no wonder they huddle in groups, though. They know just how much whites are fed up with them and how much they hate them that they probably feel safer in groups, the insecure mother-fuckers.

Later...

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!! Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!!! I saw part of a soccer game Tom was watching live in Foxborough, MA, and damn is it raining like hell there like it does nearly every day between April and September! What’s even funnier is that it was 48° in Springfield the last time I checked, which means they’ll be in the 30s by early morning!! Oh, yuck!! Thank God I still don’t live there!!!!! Imagine it being that cold in June!? Ugh! Tammy’s got it a little better than Springfield. It’s up to 55° where she is. Ha, ha! Meanwhile, we’re in the middle of a drought and I’m sweating my ass off in the 110° we’ve got. Their highs are lower than our lows.

We were out earlier washing the car, which was caked with dirt and bird shit. It was so hot out there, I should’ve had my suit on and should’ve hosed myself off. The water from the hose, which I sprayed my arms and legs with, felt great.

Mary called needing Tom to take mom to have her toenails clipped and an x-ray done this Friday, cuz Mary has to go to an appointment herself this Friday.

My hair has already started to grow back. It became quite noticeable a few days ago but is still way short compared to what I usually have. It’s barely to the middle of my back. Probably a couple of inches above it. I wish I could do something about its thickness!

We sold some stock so Tom says we’re definitely getting the printer as soon as we get the money, and I guess he’s going to pay off bills so we can be current, too.

Yup, Carol looked awful. But only her short curly hair. Her body looked great.

Tom and I talked about the possibility of me rewriting the last half of my story, but I don’t know. I like his idea for an ending as much as I like my ending, but we’ll see. It may delay my getting it off to a publisher by more time than I’d like, even though I’m not going anywhere.

Later...

Last night I was contemplating making up some excuse myself to get out of a predictable and boring sex session, but it turned out that I didn’t have to. I had the runs 4 times today. Also, he decided to “surprise” me by doing something different at a different time. In the middle of the day, he suggested we take a nap together. How convenient. Of course, he’d pick this weekend to do that instead of screw. I’m mid-cycle. Anyway, I can’t say I fully appreciate his half-assed effort. I mean, what kind of a “surprise” is that? I want to be surprised by not knowing what’s going to happen in bed, not by taking a nap. He’ll have to come up with something better. This is it. I’m now ready to take sex away from him without any guilt. If he can take what he’s taken from me without any guilt and without any concern for my feelings or desire to do anything about them, even if it’s only every now and then, then I shall take, too. But not without teasing him along the way as he’s done to me in the past. Every weekend I’ll have an excuse.

Cool. My spell checker is working like it did in the old version of this program and how I prefer it to work by not going to the beginning of the document just because I wanted to check the end of it.

Tom told me we’re definitely on for the printer this June. It’s about fucking time! Now I can finally get those pictures off. I’m sending Doe and Art my story as it currently is, but I changed most of the characters’ names to names that are familiar to them. I asked Tom if he thought they’d read it and he said his guess was that they’d probably read some of it, but then stop when they came to familiar names and didn’t like what they were doing. Why didn’t I think of that? That’s exactly what they’ll do, no doubt, and that’d be totally like them too, cuz they’re sensitive in that way. Too bad they’ll get to miss the exciting conclusion (the epilogue I wrote just for them). Doe, Art and Tammy may not find their mail too surprising, but boy, is Larry in for the shock of his life. He is not going to expect the tape, let alone for me to send his associates letters after all this time. After all, it’s been how long since I dumped him? Almost two years now, I think (I decided I’d write out the numbers one and two but not spell out others).

Eight weeks of working out and I’m still within the area I started. My tits, waist and thighs are down about an inch, but my hips are up. Tom says I’m losing weight in pockets, which is normal, and that it takes a long time to really see results. He said I probably won’t see noticeable changes in my hips till after 24 weeks of working out (not till October). I still think I’m going to pretty much maintain my measurements and that I’ll never drop below 120 pounds. Especially with all I eat. I eat 1500 – 2000 calories a day, which is almost like eating like a pig for someone my age and height.

I saw Gloria for a few minutes on TV last night and she looked lousy. Her face and body looked good, thanks to modern clothes, makeup, plastic surgery and lots of exercises, but her hair was horrendous. It was way too short.

We’re so cursed with foul smells in this house! First, there was the foul smell in the small bath which Tom took care of, then there’s the unidentified smell in the big bath that seems to come in the afternoons, and yesterday, the vents smelled like there was stale water in them like when you first turn on an evaporative cooler after you haven’t used it for a while. So then Tom came up with a great idea. To put an old closet stick-up inside the return air opening. However, the stick-up was pretty wimpy so I sprayed perfume in and it made the whole place smell really nice, but only for a little while.

I had Tom set up the headphones for the old TV in the living room since our new TV doesn’t have a headphone jack. That way I can hear the movies I tape better over the animal’s movements.

I decided to make a few changes to my parents’ copy of Burned Soul and I changed the characters’ names to names they’d know. Anne, the central murderous character, is going to be Doe in their copy. I also changed the epilogue a bit too, saying how Doe grew up to be a lousy mother, etc. In other words, it’ll be an epilogue she could relate to very well if she reads the story. I made sure to assign names of people I despise to characters Doe kills.

I remembered to tape today’s Carol movie, but I’m sure it’ll suck because it’s a 1977 movie set in the 1920s and it’s a comedy. I don’t dig comedies, westerns, science fiction or romance. I like mysteries, crime, horror, and drama.

I organized my office and bedroom closets.

I think I might’ve been wrong when I said they were back to booming in the sky again, cuz I haven’t heard anything other than that little rumble, which obviously wasn’t them. If it was, I’m sure I would’ve heard more than just one fly-by in 4 days.

I’m shocked to say that I haven’t heard that boom car stereo, either. Totally shocked. I was expecting it to be a regular till I put an end to it.

Stupid me, for the second time, forgot to tape a Carol Kane show. It was on this morning, but fortunately, she was just a tooth fairy in some stupid children’s show, so I’m sure I didn’t miss anything. I’m sure she was made up to look rather geeky and tooth fairies don’t exactly turn me on, either. I won’t miss the two movies that will be on the 11th and 12th. I want to see them too bad to forget them.

I still have no clue as to what causes these allergy fits I have every 2-3 weeks. All I can see as a cause is a good old case of old-fashioned God’s will. Why he insists on doing this to me, though, beats me. I guess it’s to compensate for the wheezing and asthma attacks that would land me in the ER that I no longer have but isn’t the tightness and congestion I always have enough? The shit I went through for my first 5 years of life should be enough!!! Why is he hell-bent on punishing me? Why must he always inflict some kind of pain, punishment or long-term problem on me? Can’t he just let me solve a problem without giving me a new one? If he’s not going to help me help myself with anything, then the least he can do is stay out of my way and not shoot me down any further!

Anyway, I’m still experimenting as far as the allergies go. I expanded the mice’s cages since they obviously don’t have anything to do with my allergies, and decided to pack most of my dolls away to give myself an easier time dusting for a while. I packed 19 away and kept out my favorite 14. I packed half the Barbies too, so I only have 5 out. I doubt this will help, though. Like I said, it’s God’s will no matter what. Put me in a sterile room and I’ll still have allergy problems.

I rat-proofed the bedroom closet yesterday for Houdini. He’s so cute and I love him like no other pet. It’s amazing how similar yet how different rats and mice are. All mice want is food, water, and a decent place to live, but rats are very demanding of human companionship, full of energy, and in need of being allowed to roam free.

Later...

Yesterday, some guy went down the road on a horse. I think I’ve seen them before, too. It’s so neat seeing someone go by your house on a horse!

Get this – the day before yesterday Tom made a comment while he was trying to get my scanner working about how he had had plans to surprise me with sex but wasn’t sure he could with the computer problems going on, etc. Yeah, well this pissed me off. I was like – if you wanted to screw, you’d find the time and not use my scanner as an excuse. Then he says he was only kidding, but we never did end up screwing. I wish he’d just shut his mouth and screw me or not screw me at all. And I don’t buy it. I don’t think for one minute he had plans to surprise me, cuz if you’re gonna surprise someone, you don’t announce your plans. You just do it. You don’t talk about it and then not do it. Meanwhile, I know what’ll happen – the same old, same old. Either Saturday or Sunday evening, at the end of his day, we’ll have a cumless screw or a no-screw. God, I am really getting sick of the same old piece of pie!

Later...

Tom replaced my wheel mouse with an old mouse I picked out years ago till I can get a new wheel mouse, but I’m still having problems with the scanner and the paintbrush program. I’ve had more computer problems since living in this house than I did the whole time I was in Phoenix!