Tom’s still plugging away at the betting program which he says is going well. I’m just glad I’m not sexually needy! I’d never get any from him. As I told him, rich, poor or somewhere in between, I will not deal with another summer of these fucking spiders, so we’re out of here by next June. I can’t imagine where we’d go if we don’t have enough money yet to get out of the state, but it won’t be a 60-year-old sagging house on a canal that’s barely bigger than a closet. These aren’t just spiders, they’re big spiders! One fell off the ceiling and bounced off of my back. It totally creeped me out. I almost wish it was cold during the night when they’re more active. It’s been in the 90s, so that doesn’t help.

We took the bus to get that Bluefly shopping spree affidavit notarized at UPS late yesterday morning. I had been up for nearly 18 hours. As we walked from the stop and past next door, we could see a couple sitting on the front porch and hear the voices of young animals. They seem to be out front a lot as opposed to on the deck, and again I’m just so glad they’re not so close. We saw that black dog (at least I think it was that dog) peering around the back corner of the house. Tom thinks it was only visiting and that the older kids don’t live there, but the dog seems to be visiting a lot lately. Yesterday was hot, so they were quiet, but the day before was cooler because it was cloudy. Just the weather the animals were waiting for in order to use the swings, but the kids that were using it were around 3 and 5, not 8 and 10. Tom said this makes sense since the swings look more for toddlers. I just wish the damn thing could’ve been set up on the other side of the house instead! It’s going to be a circus in another month or so and it’s not going to be the least bit easy to get any work done with them screaming, let alone any barking from over there or across the canal. Because of this, I’ve decided to move my computers into the bedroom, though I do still intend to get the de-barker, probably sometime in September. Oh, to be able to live in a house where I don’t have to set up according to neighbors! Will this day ever really come again and for more than just a few years? They’re not as homebodied as I thought, though, for Tom has told me that there have been a few occasions when he’s walked by and seen no cars there when there’s usually 3-5 at a time. The only thing that’s got me really worried is the possibility that these people bought the place and aren’t just renters. As Tom pointed out, they’ve been putting an awful lot of work into something that’s supposedly just a rental, and it may explain why there’s been no music. If this is the case and they do own the thing, then the place will be jumping with dogs in no time.

Again I sent OLS a message wanting to know why some of my messages get deleted, and again I’ve been ignored. If we really do get rich I’m not going to bother with them. I thought that the way they singled me out by threatening to ban me if I submitted any more sweeps was very rude. And it’s also rude to ignore my messages. Especially as a paying customer. I pay for customer service! Yet service I’m not getting.

There’s this new mannequin site based down in California. I’m having trouble getting my emails to them, though I was able to get a hold of the site’s host. They have these new “sexy mannequins,” and boy are they ever gorgeous! Way nicer than mine and I’ve got nice mannequins. They’re lingerie models, apparently. This one particular one, Cheri, who’s in a dance pose, is my favorite. The host says he thinks they’re $400 which surprised me. I thought they’d be $800 or more. If that’s the case maybe I’ll drop the mannequins I was going to get from either the chick that sold me Denise or NYC where I got Ashley, and just get this one. She’ll be my last big item in Oregon. The rest will be small stuff like Barbies and Tonners. Then I’ll just hope to one day get Kaori, my favorite silicone doll!

Right now I am not a happy camper. Not as opposed to yesterday. I a won $100 shopping spree at a place called Bluefly that sells designer clothes. The catch is that I have to get the affidavit notarized that we printed out. One in which we couldn’t adjust the margins, so it’s split into 3 pages. We walked in the cloudless 92º heat (we’re on for 101º on Saturday) all for nothing. I knew it wouldn’t be that easy for me, but that’s ok because their clothes aren’t that exciting. Unlike most folks, I never felt the need for fancy clothes, cars, jewelry or furs. To me, there’s nothing wrong with getting clothes from department stores. They have nice things, sometimes even nicer.

The bank we inquired at only notarizes for customers with accounts, and this check cashing place wouldn’t do it, so we have to go out Saturday morning and hope to get it done someplace when we go out to do the grocery shopping as either just he or both of us do at that time. I’m not going to sweat it if I miss the 10-day deadline because this is ridiculous. I can see if it was for a grand or more, but we’re only talking $100. Couldn’t they simply have sent me a promotional code to redeem like they did when I won the $100 Visa card from AOL?

I made an SOS order, so I have that to look forward to, but what I don’t look forward to is my office becoming a virtual circus. Just when I thought that maybe, just maybe, next door wouldn’t become a problem, after all, they go and plop a swing set down in the middle of the yard, so now it’s either listen to them scream for hours on end when it cools down, or move my office out of their playground and into the bedroom. It’ll be a tight squeeze, but I won’t have any choice if I want to get any work done. My ear can’t take the headphones for hours at a time. I knew it was only a matter of months before they became a problem. Obviously, those older kids did move in there because you wouldn’t plop the thing down in the middle of your yard a whole 4 or 5 years in advance if it were for a baby, and make it harder for you to mow. The playhouse and mini basketball hoop were just a warning. This is common practice in rental houses; to have more and more people move in after a few months or so. I’m hoping they won’t be out there when it’s cold, but I’m sure they’ll make an exception just for me. In a sense, this is worse than Phoenix. At least in Phoenix the center of the neighboring yards were in back and away a bit. But this is centered directly in front of our side windows. Right smack in front of them with the swings being just 10’-15’ away.

Tom is still very hopeful that the handicapping program will get us out of here and into a quiet place we won’t get run out of, but it flunked out entirely on tracks it’s not trained to work at yesterday. There was a close call, though. The horse it picked to win would’ve won if another horse hadn’t blocked it in in the end. If we can’t get into a retirement community soon or are rich enough to live on a boat, then the only escape from being in the heart of the chaos would be to have some acreage again. I don’t want to go back to fighting with wells, but if this works we’ll have the money to fix them and to plant trees and shrubs that’ll block out distant sounds and give us more privacy, though in California I don’t suppose it’d be as open as Arizona was. I would also hope the land won’t be haunted and that things could grow better in that kind of climate. I would prefer to get into a more ritzy area than an anything-goes kind of area to reduce the potential for trouble and noise, though people are still going to leave their dogs outside 24/7, and as far as disciplining their kids – forget it. There’s simply no such thing anymore. This little brat at the bank was jumping up and down on the couch in the waiting area and running all over the place screaming.

I finally got a message regarding one of my Webshots photos. It was of my Denise mannequin. They have a store, so I guess store people check to see what people are doing with their mannequins by typing in mannequin-related keywords. They wrote: I love her outfit!

About 10 minutes ago I was sitting here trying to get more work done when I heard screaming. I looked out front to see a couple of kids visiting the house directly across from us. Some guy was spraying them with a hose. All the while I could hear barking that I thought were their dogs, but when I turned on my sound machine and could still hear barking, I looked out the side window and saw the black dog at the gate next door barking its ass off. Just then the dog ran towards the house and everyone in front disappeared. I’ll have to have Tom keep a closer eye out to be sure this dog doesn’t live there now and that he doesn’t see it tied to the deck or something whenever he goes by. I would think we’d hear from it more often if it did live there, but even so, if it gets to be a regular thing, we should call First Choice and ask if they know that the thing has been living there or at least hanging out there regularly. Anyway, the whole show only lasted a couple of minutes and wouldn’t have woken me up with the bedroom being on the other side of the house, but now I have to find my place again and figure out where the hell I left off. I wish we were wedged in back like Kim is! She’s blocked from everything but the canal dog and the back of next door’s yard. It’s now after 9:00 now so hopefully, things will settle down and I can enjoy the peacefulness of the nighttime with nothing but whatever nocturnal nightmares that may decide to drop in on me. Are we ever going to live where there aren’t so many damn distractions?!?! Well, unless we’re being viciously teased, the betting program is still looking promising. Tom’s still training it and says it’s something that may need to be an ongoing thing. He said Friday is when we’ll get an even better idea of how well it works because there are several races being run at the track he’s got it trained to focus on right now that’s down in southern Cal. Even so, he said don’t get too enthusiastic yet, pointing out that just because it got the first one right doesn’t mean it won’t get the next 20 wrong.

Oh, Jesus! Now we’ve got someone blaring a car stereo somewhere. I still can’t believe that with gas prices being as insane as they are someone could feel the need for attention so much that they’d pay an arm and a leg to get it! Although Tom said it doesn’t cost much, it’s all electrical. Still, who’d have ever believed 20 years ago that there’d one day be car stereos that sound like traveling live concerts?! And of course, the canal dog goes off in the middle of the night at times since it’s too hot in the daytime to bother doing so. With my shit luck, the debarker won’t work that far. I don’t know how many feet it’s effective up to or even if it’s really all that effective to begin with.

Either something’s out to really tease the hell out of us, or we truly are on our way to having some serious money, though how much is yet to be known. Tom did one test by having his new program pick the horses of a particular race down in L.A. Well, it ranked all the horses perfectly! There’s still more work to be done with it, but hopefully in a week or two, we’ll really get an idea of just what kind of profit we’re looking at. Will we make enough for a trailer in California and be stuck in the mainstream for another 5-10 years till we can get into a retirement community? Or will we make so much money that our options will be limitless? I would still love to live on a boat most of the time if not all. I’d also rather live in mainstream California, than mainstream Oregon. I just hope this thing really works well. If it does, we’ll be making hundreds of dollars a day!

For now, I made us $150! Yes, I got 6 $25 e-prize checks from instant wins that we’re going to split. The question is where to cash them. If Safeway won’t do it, then a check-cashing place will. I just wonder how much of them they’ll take.

Not a sound from next door today. Last night I could hear them gabbing on their front porch at 1:00 when I shut off all the fans to go to bed. Only with no background noise could they faintly be heard, so that’s okay. I’m just so glad – and Tom agrees – that their porch, driveway and deck where they have their grill isn’t just a few feet away from us! They’d be your typical loud, rude, always-home neighbors we always get if that were the case. Tom said he saw 5 cars there, suggesting they may be having out-of-town visitors. He thinks the parents of one of the kids who’s having a baby gave them the playhouse and other shit. I hope that’s the case and that the older animals didn’t move in there, because we’ll be long gone before any infants can use the thing.

What a waste of life to have kids so young! I truly believe having kids so young almost always dampens your maturity, opportunities, experiences and intellectual growth. Look at all Mary’s learned since she lost her kids and she’s learned it in jail of all places! Speaking of which, I haven’t heard from her and that’s ok with me. She may be intelligent and compassionate, but she’s just too damn sensitive and well, we’re just so different. Everything with her is God this, God that. She just doesn’t get that no God who truly cared and loved her would allow her child to be killed.

Tom said that he read that Linda Ronstadt’s on tour and will be in Oregon at some point. I can’t believe this fat, old, ugly thing is touring at 58 years of age (today’s her birthday), but she never was a songwriter, so she wouldn’t have the kind of income someone like Kate Jackson would have, since singers don’t get royalties whenever their songs are played like Kate does whenever they run shows/movies she was in.

Well, the peace could very well be coming to an end around here as far as next door goes. Yeah, I figured it wouldn’t last forever and it’d be just about right on time, too. I don’t know what it is with most people, but they move in quietly for the first few months, then bam – I’m here! I hope I’m stressing over nothing, but I was distracted by the sound of this large aqua pickup driving in through the gate and into the yard for the third day in a row. At first I was like, this is just great! I mean, the whole point of being able to enjoy their driveway being on the other side of the house is so I don’t have to hear their vehicles. Hearing hers next door can be enough at times. But then I realized that they were hauling stuff in. My first concern was that more people were moving in, and that still could be the case, but Tom thinks they may just be storing stuff. He says he’s seen rowboats, an ATV and other stuff lately. What was most disturbing was the playhouse they put right along the fence just outside my office window. The boats are towards the back corner of the yard, but why does everything have to go alongside our place? This playhouse is so damn close to the window that if the fence wasn’t there and you could drive a car up to it, you could barely squeeze it in between it and my office window.

The black dog I caught a quick glimpse of, and these two older animals, a boy of about 8 and a girl of about 10, seem to be connected to this pickup which doesn’t live there, as far as we know, and hopefully they haven’t moved in. However, Tom says he’s pretty sure there’s a baby living there, and lately I’ve been seeing this chick who looks like she’s had a kid. I also saw a very pregnant teenager too, so I’m now almost positive that these aren’t college students. Not if they’ve had or are having babies, and not with the way they’re home so often. It’s those who can afford to stay home that tend to be the ones having kids as opposed to those with careers, and they obviously have some money what with some of the stuff we’ve seen. The playhouse alone must’ve cost hundreds.

Tom said a guy at work looked at the house when it was for rent and they have a cellar you can drive right into, so I guess most of the stuff had been put down there. I just hope they don’t run us out of here. Hey, I hate this old, sagging tiny place, but I’d like to move when we’re ready to, and not when someone else says so by driving us crazy.

Tom will get a better look and see if he can get an idea of what’s going on when he goes grocery shopping tomorrow. He says that although it makes no sense, it’s common practice for folks around here who are moving from one house to another to get an apartment, put their stuff in storage or wherever they can, and then move into the new house. No matter what’s going on, I’ve had too many years of problem neighbors. The barking and banging of car doors and bass are enough to have to deal with like we have for the last 10 months and I’d like to keep it that way till we can get to an even quieter place, so long as God will let us.

In better news, both the Brunette Brilliance Barbie and my incense came today. We wonder why they call her Brunette Brilliance when she’s not even a brunette. She’s got black hair. She’s got these little wispy spikes for bangs that look way cool and they did her nails, too.

The incense smells great and he really went all out throwing in extras. He had to sub with other scents on some of them because he accidentally sent me an old list. He even threw in some 19” sticks which I’ve always wanted to try. I didn’t realize they were so thick. It’s like burning 3 sticks at once. It irritated our eyes, so Paula will get stuck with them at the end of the year with whatever else I don’t like. There are about a dozen of the 80-something scents I ordered that I don’t care for, and the 19” sticks were too lemony. I was wondering why the box was so long. They sure burn a hell of a long time.

He also threw in a roll-on bottle of designer perfume oil.

I read an article that said that insufficient sleep may cause hormonal shifts that boost both hunger and appetite. Well, I’ve been sleeping ok and have quit worrying about it, and although I am less hungry since I quit stressing over it, it won’t magically enable me to comfortably and subconsciously eat 800-1200 cals a day so I could either lose or maintain my weight. If someone had told me years ago that I’d one day reach a point where it was either starve most of the time or get fat, I’d never have believed it. I guess it’s just my time to join most of my fellow middle-agers in being 40-50 pounds overweight. All I know is that I’m tired of stressing over it and struggling to get weight off that just won’t come off unless I nearly starve myself. I go completely out of my mind trying to cut my calories down so low day after day. I need to let my body be itself, so to speak, and let it do whatever it feels it needs to do, and if that’s slapping on another 20-30 pounds, then so be it. I know I’ll look horrible and that it’ll be hard to get around and do things like bend over to trim my toenails, but I’m sick of having it be such an issue in my life! I’m just going to try to stay in shape as long as I can, though I assume I’ll one day get too big to jog and leave it at that. When I can no longer do anything bouncy like that, I’ll do more walking.

We’ve been having power outages that sometimes knock us offline, but Tom showed me what to do whenever that happens.

We got a catalog with this device that stops dogs from barking much in the way Tom wants to build something that’d interfere and even damage these fucking stereos no one’s going to do shit about. You can bet that I’ll be ordering the debarker in the fall when it starts cooling down! I haven’t heard from the one on the corner at all, but late at night or early in the morning when it’s cooler, I occasionally hear the canal dog. Just not nearly as much as I will when we start having highs in the 50s and 60s.

It would still be nice to have a “stereo killer” even if we could be granted the blessing to live where they don’t just because it’d be fun to destroy them whenever we came into the city for groceries and things like that. I could be sitting there fucking up any that passed us by while Tom drove. Hey, if the name of the game in this country is ‘control’ then I’ll gladly do some controlling of my own for once if it’s for a worthy cause!

My latest wins consist of a DVD, a coupon for a free candy bar, a $5 Home Depot gift card, an autographed book cover by Anne Christopher, whoever she is, and best of all, a $25 Target gift card in which I ordered Ashley a pair of black strappy sandals with closed toes to hide her not-so-perfect toes. They have a 3½” heel instead of 3”, but Tom and I agree that a half-inch won’t make a difference. I hope not, but if worse comes to worst, Denise can wear them since her feet don’t have to be precisely positioned being a sitting mannequin.

I haven’t been too eager to bring this up because we’ve been teased enough times in our lives with potential money-making opportunities, and haven’t wanted to get my hopes up. It’s looking promising so far, though we don’t know to what degree. It’s this program he’s writing to train his computer to pick winning racehorses in a much more complex and accurate way than any software out there to date can do. He’s not sure yet just how profitable it’ll be but says he should know within a week or two. Well, although I’m not clearly seeing any future U-Haul out front come to take us away, I do vibe that next winter will not only be our last here (God, I hope so!) but that he won’t be working till he’s 65. At least not outside of the house he won’t be. Right now my feeling is that we’ll leave this house and go somewhere in California in 13-14 months. I don’t know if we could get into a retirement community at that time, but that seems like that’d be our best bet when we can since rural has got too many hassles associated with it, a boat would keep us from being able to go online, and there’s no beach we could live on in peace that wasn’t in a cold climate. I still don’t know what that green house meant that I saw in my visions around the New Year, so maybe it was nothing.

I’m pissed! I can’t get online and I have to go to work. I’m like, oh, don’t start with the net games! Not now. This happened to Tom for an hour the other day. Yeah, well, we don’t pay Charter for an hour off here and an hour off there, so this better not turn into any big deal or become a regular occurrence!

Out of curiosity, just to see if I’d get a response, I emailed Incense Galore and asked why Bob was in jail. Jeff replied saying that on July 7th, Bob was sentenced to 5 years, plus lifetime supervision. There were 3 charges he accepted and 1 he denied which is still pending. There never was a trial, though he really would rather not go over the details of the case with me, he said. It was good to hear from me, he added, and he hoped I was well. Meanwhile, he and Bob’s wife were now the owners and adjusting to their new jobs.

The lifetime supervision makes me think he molested his daughter. Especially since he once said, “She and I are kind of close,” when I went to make one of my many inquiries as to why my order was taking so damn long. However, the 5-year sentence seems awfully light for such a charge, even for a state other than Arizona or Texas. I also know that 5 years really means about 2 with good behavior, assuming the pending charge doesn’t add time to his sentence. We tried to find info on the case, but couldn’t find anything. And why would we when it’s not a Jewish female with blacks involved?

Well, if I’m not going to be allowed to work anytime soon, I guess I’ll go work on my story.

Now the Stick Man says some of the scents I picked were “fire sale” items and not samplers. Fine, I told him. Substitute them with whatever. I guess he tried to call yesterday morning before we chatted live. It’s when we have to play message like this so many times that I know I shouldn’t bother doing business with the person again. He’s like Bendejo – nice, but stupid. Just your typical brainless cock. If we’ve got to talk about it instead of me simply receiving the stuff, then I don’t want to bother.

Meanwhile, the Brunette Brilliance Barbie I never thought I’d have is on its way to me! I never thought I’d have it because she’s regularly $225, but I’m getting her for $85.

I have yet another reason to hate Oregon. Oregon and Oregon only has stopped selling Claritin D over the counter. This was the one that suppressed my appetite. They stopped because it supposedly has ingredients in it used to make crystal meth. So I got the regular Claritin and sure enough, it doesn’t snuff my appetite out at all. I guess something up there is telling me to either get myself to puke, or just gain the rest of my middle-age weight. If I can’t ever bring myself to puke, I’ll be in the 150s or 160s by the end of the year.

My ear still has its bad days, though it’s still been better since summer set in. They probably didn’t know the cold weather would affect it when they operated on it, any more than they knew in Boston the trouble I’d have in Phoenix, but this is why I won’t be having any more surgery ever again if I can help it; because I’m the one that ultimately has to pay for what they don’t know.

There was an article about today’s “modern, childless women who are obsessively career-focused,” and how skipping out on having kids makes you more greedy and selfish. This is true, too. It does. But I say my selfishness and greediness are ok because, for one, I never put money/toys before Tom, Tinkerbell or any necessities. Secondly, I lived my life for others/fate for so damn long that I feel it’s my turn to live for me. Being poor or locked up will do that to you. I think it’s just a matter of each individual’s priorities. Had kids been both our ambition in life, and I was fertile enough to have them, then that’s where I’d have focused my energies. Meanwhile, I say if it makes you happy and it’s not hurting anyone, keep on plugging away!

Well, I haven’t mastered the art of puking yet, though I haven’t been working on it. I’ve been giving myself a break, even if it means gaining the 3 pounds I lost back in 5 minutes, though at this time of month, some of it is water. I hope to be a “responsible puker” if I can ever bring myself to do it, though if it becomes a problem, it’s a problem I wouldn’t mind having, as opposed to the one where I’ve got this ravenous appetite and have to struggle to maintain a weight that’s too much for me to begin with.

The Stick Man says he emailed me with the 32 scents that are missing, but I never got them. We live-chatted today and he’s going to send out what he’s got on Monday or Tuesday, then in 3-5 weeks when he gets the missing ones in, he’ll send those, too.

Not surprisingly, I haven’t heard from the Stick Man like he said I would today, “hopefully.” Oh well. As long as he doesn’t go fucking up the order like crazy, it’ll be okay.

The bracelet came today and it’s dull. It consists of dangling beads in frosted white and snot green.

I’m going to quit dieting and return to the Claritin. Tom said it wouldn’t really impact the savings. He would probably be right about my being able to lose more than a few pounds if I could eat 800 cals a day, but I simply don’t have that kind of willpower or desire to lose weight. The Claritin, meanwhile, won’t give me that will, but it’ll keep me from getting carried away. After starting off with a few fairly easy days, it’s gotten harder and harder for me each day.

Last night I kept waking up cold but was too tired to get up and throw the wolf blanket over my two cover sheets. I haven’t had to run the AC all day, either. It’s hard to believe it’s to be in the mid-80s today. It’s only 77º in here and was all the way down to 69º early this morning.

I created a profile at OLS. I had thought they deliberately left my birthday off their calendar for some reason, but it’s actually creating a profile that automatically puts it on.

I didn’t lose another pound today. I’m still 123. This is where I always get stuck. I almost got myself to puke earlier. Man, was I close! How I wish I could do it! The more pissed I get each time I fail, the closer I hope I’ll be to succeeding. Tom says it’d cost more money if I did that, but I don’t think so. For one, I wouldn’t need to puke up everything I ate. I need to go to 800 cals, not 0. I’m still at 1000-1200. Also, I could eat more yet still cheap if I could get myself to puke some of it up. There are cheap, but high-cal ravioli and things like that which are more filling. With those, I’d be eating more for the same price. If I could puke some of what I ate up, I could have the best of both worlds where I could eat until I was satisfied, yet lose the calories. I may not be able to enjoy feeling full for 2-3 hours, but at least I could feel that way for a little while before I puked. I wouldn’t do it every day for the rest of my life either. I thought of going back on the Claritin to help with the hunger, but that’d only steal from the money savings, so I’d be better off getting myself to puke. I think I can do it if I work on it and get determined enough. I’m not going to magically “get used to” 800 cals, so I’ll have to do something. Of course, on the other hand, I still don’t know what losing weight would accomplish. It wouldn’t make us rich, bring back our old libidos, get us out of this state, get us into a nice, quiet house that’s no older than 20-30 years, etc.

I changed my mind again and decided I will go ahead with the legislator letter in the fall once it’s been over a year since they summoned Tom (or tried to). I realized that it wouldn’t be so easy to alter what I send without being able to prove that it was altered. I almost wish they would! That’d get us rich in time for damn sure. You can’t edit email. Not unless you copy/paste it in a whole new email which I could say, “Hey, check the ISP on that and you’ll see it didn’t come from my computer!” They also couldn’t add to the letter if I sent it by regular mail cuz you can prove if something was printed with different printers. They’d have to use a whole new sheet of paper and without my fingerprints on it, what case would they have? Just one with their worst nightmare – me!

It turns out, so Tom learned yesterday, that it was Eddie who knocked on the door last Sunday. Amazingly, he didn’t want anything, but just to see if we’d like him to bring us back to his place for a barbecue. He and his wife and her kid have a 2-bed duplex with a small yard. That was very nice of him, but I hope he doesn’t make a habit of showing up unannounced, even though he didn’t wake me up. Tom told him I was sleeping and that he was under his headphones watching TV.

Today he’s going to be helping Justin, the guy that gave us the dressers. He has a computer problem, I guess. Tom doesn’t know how big a job it’s going to be.

We took a walk down to this new store that sells incense. They’ve got a good selection now. I got 25 sticks, but of course I’ll burn them up long before I get my order from the Incense Rack. The Stick Man got the money order yesterday, so that was good, but I have a feeling he’ll be out of stock on a lot of things and take forever to fill the order. He says there are two orders ahead of mine that are also big, and that they fill them one at a time to avoid making mistakes. It’s good to know that they try to be careful, but I don’t know if I’ll order from them again. If not, there’s always SOS. They haven’t let me down yet, though I’ll be bummed if they decide to give up on Silk Splash. Anyway, if I do order from the Incense Rack again, it’ll definitely be by email!

I may back out of sending the legislator’s letter about the stereos. I hate to seem like the ultimate chicken shit, and this may be being as ridiculously paranoid as Tom gets, but what’s to say they wouldn’t alter the letter and add threats just to have an excuse to fuck with us, not that I’d sit back and let them win like I so stupidly did in Arizona. I still blame myself just as much as I do the sickos, pigs, public defender, and judge for the shit I went through in Maricopa. I mean, I still can’t believe I so stupidly jumped to their every beck and court call and went running to court and right into their trap. Then I continued to allow myself to be abused after jail like a stupid idiot. That to me is no better than a woman who stays with an abusive man rather than fights back or runs. I literally walked right up to them and said, “I’m all yours to use and abuse at will.” The bigger fool is the one who acknowledges the other fool.

Anyway, one person bitching isn’t going to change things. Most folks dig noise anyway, and I’m almost positive I would never hear back from them other than maybe to acknowledge that they got the letter. Still, it’s not worth the risk, however small it may be.

Since Sunday, I’ve dropped from an average of 1200 cals to 1000 or less and have lost a pound a day since. I’m now at 123 pounds. I thought I’d get used to it after a few days, but I’m still famished most of the time. I try to keep in mind that a small bite here and there won’t do me any good since I’m so damn hungry that a few bites would be worthless. I’d need about 1000 cals in one sitting to fill me up. If it turns out that he’s right about my being able to lose weight and I’m the one who’s been wrong, then come Saturday I’ll decide what to do from there. I know I’m not ready to spend the money on the 1500-2000 cals a day I’d love to have, then the clothes I’d need once I gained a million pounds, so that means I’ll either stay wherever I’m at on Saturday or I’ll keep torturing myself with what feels like near-total starvation. A part of me is curious to see just how far down I could go, but I also don’t like being hungry. I was stuck too, for the first few days. I always get stuck when I have under 1200 cals.

Yesterday I got quite a hell of a workout, but it was fun and I felt so good afterward. A little tired, but good. We rode our bikes over 6 miles. First we rode to McDonald’s where we split a whopping 1220-calorie breakfast platter. We arrived a few minutes before 6:00, so we had those few minutes to kill while we waited for them to unlock the doors. During that time we watched an employee feed a few seagulls. They sure do make the coolest sounds, though I’d take a frying pan to their heads (better not tell Mary this) if they were in the house here as pets. Their behavior is very pigeon-like, but unlike pigeons, they’re very loud.

After we ate we jumped on this bike path we’ve been wanting to go on. It was so fun not having to constantly cross roads and dodge traffic. We could really pick up speed this way too, whereas along the roads, by the time you’ve barely had a chance to pick up speed, you have to slow down to cross the road. The bike path leads all the way up to where the old Albertson’s is, which we prefer over Safeway any day. We may one day ride up there so we can shop there. It’d be a longer ride distance-wise, but there’d be less stopping and starting along the way.

Not much in the way of wins other than another instant win tee I hit. He hit an instant too, winning a $25 Visa card.

He trimmed 3” off my hair this weekend. Now it’s only to my waist. I’m definitely not trimming it again for a year, maybe even two. I’m amazed at how healthy it is despite the dying and frying I’ve been doing to it. I’d say it was definitely the cigarettes that caused it to be so shabby for so long.

I’m a little concerned now because the Incense Rack hasn’t gotten the order we sent via regular mail last Monday. What, is the package curse returning? I hope they get it today! Especially since there’s no mail tomorrow and I’m almost out of incense/oils. Maybe Mary was right. Maybe Oregon really does have a screwy mail system. Meaning that because Klamath Falls is such a small town, maybe they don’t send mail out as often.

Tom thinks Eddie must’ve wanted help with something yesterday afternoon because there was a knock on the door while I was in the bedroom with the air cleaner on. He said that when he went to look out the window, he saw what looked like his truck pulling out.

I hit another sweep I was concentrating on, a site that makes OOAK fairies, but it wasn’t a fairy I won. It’s just a lousy bracelet. This time, since I want to work my way up slowly, I’m trying a weekly (the Incense Rack and fairy site were monthlies) that gives away an autographed book and a bottle of perfume each week.

I also won a coupon for a free Domino’s pizza with the purchase of one, but this little shit town doesn’t have a Domino’s. That’s okay, I’m finally settling my curiosity and am starving myself for one week. I sure feel like I am anyway. I’m having just two vitamin-rich shakes, plus a 300-400 calorie dinner each day. I want to know for once and for all if something’s wrong with me or not. If I’m not 120 pounds or less come Saturday, then I’ll know it’s either because something is medically unkosher, or all those fatties that claim they can’t lose weight really aren’t lying after all.

We got the 9x12 sheets of clear plastic, and although they make good temporary doll covers for Barbies, and although it was worth experimenting with, I’d be better off buying vinyl dust cover bags for various-size dolls for about the same cost.

Today was Tom’s 49th birthday. He’s in bed now. I wish it could’ve been a more exciting day for him, but it was a typical day of work and all that.

I have to wonder about that sick selfish bitch down in Phoenix. Did she ever think of her son today for even just a fleeting moment? I doubt it. I really do.

Other than having to deal with spiders, all has been well or at least the same.

Another day of record heat. Redding hit a record too, of 117º. Their previous record was 111 and that was years ago. Today, though, they were hotter than Casa Grande. What with the way it’s so cold here for so long, you wouldn’t think it was capable of getting this hot! It was a scorcher today, and it was so weird having it be hotter outside than inside like it usually was in Arizona, when I stepped out to grab the mail.

I still can’t lose weight and I still don’t know if it’s because it needs to be starved off, or is just a permanent part of me no matter what. I know one thing for sure and that’s that it makes me not want to exercise or continue dieting, but I will because I like to be in shape and I like to save money. I should at least be grateful that I can maintain my weight. Some people can’t even do that much. I guess the only way to find out if I can still lose weight would be to starve myself, but I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to do that. Not as a secure adult without the low esteem of a child whose mother constantly taunts it about its weight/appearance. Maybe I’ll skip the food next grocery day and just get my vitamin-rich shakes. They give me good energy, and if I’m to starve myself to find out what’s going on here, I’ll need it.

Another thing I know for sure is that my ear has been much better overall since summer kicked in full force, so there’s another reason to dread the winters right there.

Got up in the late afternoon and listened to her and her company slam doors half a dozen times. Then she appeared to stop by the dumpster on the way out from what I could see when I peeked out to see what was going on.

Ah, getting backed up in trash?

She left at 3 AM last night and returned 45 minutes later. If she wasn’t going to see other disabilities, then I’d say she was definitely out on a binge, probably loading up on junk food from Circle K.

Today was pretty mild as far as stereos went, so that’s good. Haven’t heard any barking either. Just a few stereos, some without AC and some no doubt with it who felt the extra attention was worth sweating for. We’ve been having record highs in the mid-90s when it should be about 80º now.

I decided that around September I’ll write Mary and say that I haven’t received any letters from her since the not-so-nice letter she sent for our anniversary, and then also claim to have gotten letters returned to me for no reason at all, that contained no contraband whatsoever, then be done with her for good. I knew I shouldn’t have taken her back into my life, and I don’t care what stories she never gets to read. She’s just too fragile for me. I’m not going to sit here and defend and explain myself to her every so often. Besides, I still dread the day she gets released, whenever the hell that may be. It isn’t that I can’t speak up and put a stop to her pestering me. I did it with her in jail. It’s just that I don’t want the hassle in the first place. Meanwhile, by making her think the jail pigs are blocking our correspondences (and their taking 2 weeks to give her my letters will make it all the more believable), I feel I’d be doing her a favor, as opposed to openly dumping her. I don’t hate her or anything, I just don’t wish to carry on the friendship. She’s smart, but she’s also just way too naïve, defensive and eggshell-like. It’s coming up on the 26th, so perhaps in a week, she’ll get my response to my wonderful anniversary letter.

Tom has continued to show zero interest in me sexually, and of course, I have no interest in him either. That means I could do one of three things. I could leave him, I could see women on the side, or I could do absolutely nothing about it. Well, there’s no way in hell I’d ever leave such a wonderful person who’s loved and accepted me like no other, and whose worst fault was teasing me about having a baby back in Phoenix, being a procrastinator, and being a slob. He may still be a slob at times, but he’s way improved on the procrastinating, and well, it’s kind of hard to promise someone a child they not only couldn’t conceive if he was willing to squirt in them but who hasn’t wanted one in years anyway, all for what would be a one or two-night stand every year or two. And of course these would all have to be with women who wouldn’t want me for anything more be it because I was too short, too feminine, etc. Or because I didn’t smoke, drink, drive, have a career, or the ability to keep a schedule. Women were never meant to be and nothing will ever change that, but I could never bring myself to have sex with just any woman either. Meaning, I couldn’t blindly reach out via some online dating site any more than I could return to gay bars if there is any such thing in Klamath Falls. Besides, I still think most people, gay or straight, who go to bars or seek out dating services are bad news overall. It would have to be someone I met unexpectedly and miraculously had a mutual attraction for, but for someone who lives the sheltered life that I live, or at least who tries to when she’s not being forced to go to jails or funny farms, that’d be kind of hard to do. Especially since I know God would only see to it in the end that we never got together. So that leaves me with no choice but to do the last of the three – nothing. Nothing but live with and accept the fact that I’ll never have sex again. Oh, I could have it if I asked for it, but a woman shouldn’t have to “ask” her husband for it no matter what she looks like, how old she is, or what’s going on in life. Actually, I’d have to more like beg for it than ask, and well, asking is one thing, begging is another and I’m not going to be reduced to that. I don’t care to be the man 100% of the time by always being the one to initiate sex, to get off, etc. It makes no sense to ask someone to get me off who doesn’t want to participate when I can have my vibrating tongue do just that! Still, I have to wonder for the millionth time, why oh why did God curse me so when it comes to sex with nothing but uglies, sexual misfits and head-players??? Was I some sort of sick sexual predator in a previous life or something?

He says he wants to stay up later so we’d have time together to do God knows what, yet all he does is what he usually does when he’s home and awake – watches TV or plays on the computer. Oh well. At least I’m good at entertaining myself, and he did start ripping the first season of Charlie’s Angels. Hopefully, they’ll mean it when they say they plan to release season 3 on July 4th.

He also ordered some thin sheets of plastic we’re going to experiment with to make doll covers, then as soon as he gets a money order for it, along with the rent and water bill, he’ll mail off my order to the Incense Rack. I chose to do it by mail because they had more scents listed in the flyers they sent with the incense I won than online. When I asked the Stick Man about this he just said that his son will be overseas for two years. What that has to do with why he doesn’t have as many scents listed online, beats me. Anyway, I’ll be getting 100 3-packs and will have that variety to look forward to. Right now I just have the 3 scents I won and am almost out of oil altogether. This will hold me over till Silk Splash gets their act together, which doesn’t look like it’ll be anytime soon. If not I’ll just order from SOS.

I’ve been doing surprisingly well on my diet since quitting the Claritin. It was just those first 3 days that were hard. That’s how it usually is. Anyway, I’ve been doing well and have been surprisingly regular too, but as usual, I’m not losing any weight. Just saving money, though I have lost a couple of pounds. There’s adapting and then there’s adapting, so I don’t know if I could condition myself to have under 1000 calories a day which is what I’d need to do to lose more weight. At least I think I’d lose more if I went that low, but maybe not. Some people just don’t lose weight.

Summer’s now in full swing with highs above normal. It’s a little costlier having to run the AC, but it’s backed the dogs off and even the stereos because they have to shut their windows to run their ACs.

Tom’s been doing overtime again, but I don’t know for how long.

Got a couple of surprise wins today too, only this time one of them was pretty cool. The boring one was a stopwatch, but the cool one was from Oprah Magazine which contained assorted goodies. There were some snacks, perfume and lotion samples, pens, a small pillow, socks, a serving tray and a few other things. I’d say it was about $50 - $60 worth of stuff. The only thing we couldn’t use was the dog treats. Tom will take it to work to give to anyone who owns a dog. Well, if there’s anyone there who owns a house, then they own dogs, too.

Tom’s racking his brains trying to come up with some sort of device that would damage the stereos as they go by, but I doubt God would be kind enough to let him figure something out. He wants us to deal with noise. Still, he’s trying to think of some kind of signal he could send out that would overload the speakers or blow the fuse. Dogs should be easier to deal with, he said, and reminded me that they have devices that send out sounds that humans can’t hear, but that dogs can and these are highly annoying sounds. They’re set to be activated when the dog barks to get it to realize, hey, when I bark, it hurts.

Oh, how wonderful it’d be to have something that’d kill these stereos every time one drove by, stop dogs from barking, and even damage the vocal cords of kids, since sooner or later I’m sure those will be a problem again, too!

Today was quiet overall, but once we got down to the every few minutes thing with the fucking stereos after 4:00, I threw the headphones on.

Got a couple of surprise wins today. One was a financial book. I don’t know if that’ll do us any good, but I also got a complete season of a popular cartoon series, so that will hopefully get us a little more.

I’ve stopped the Claritin again now that I know how outrageously expensive it is. I didn’t realize that it was costing a little over a dollar a day. Tom says it’s no big deal if I feel I need it again, but I hope I won’t and that I can deal with the hunger. Tom and I started a diet last week and he’s already lost 6 pounds, but as we know, God favors man. This means that because women retain water and fat more easily, I’ve only lost 1. I’m going to do it for 3 more weeks just to show Tom he’s wrong in saying everyone can lose weight. No, everyone cannot lose weight. Oh, I’ll lose 2-3 more pounds, but that’s as far as it’ll go. I simply don’t have the metabolism to lose a significant amount. Anyway, the Claritin still interferes with my sleep, causing me to wake up several times, so like I said, I hope I’m not too much hungrier. The stuff doesn’t always suppress my appetite anyway.

Although it’s still quieter than Phoenix and even the duplex, we still have our noisy moments around here, particularly between 4 PM - 10 PM on weekdays. The canal dog has backed off a bit lately. It seems to be at its worst when the temperature is in the 50s and 60s.

We were talking about soundproofing the walls and floors someday (unless we ever live where houses are built on concrete slabs like they were in Phoenix), and while it may be nice to be able to do that, no one should have to live that way. Besides, it’d cost so much damn money that by the time we could afford it we’d be eligible for a retirement community anyway.

After playing the phone tag I know she likes to play, I spoke with Paula yesterday. She was on her cell phone driving back from Boston in the car she was not supposed to be driving. She’s on probation till August as it is. Her latest Puerto Rican of choice lives near Boston. Supposedly she’s known him a while and he’s going to be moving closer to her. She also hopes to marry the guy even though he’s 50. I guess he’s ok in bed, too. Well, of course. Only I can have bad sex or no sex.

She’s also having more and more trouble with Justin just as I predicted. Tom says he sounds like your typical teenager, but I’m sure he’ll go much further and even end up doing time eventually, thanks to his mother who hasn’t always set a good example.

Without a big win of any kind, I’m starting to think that if I can ever manage to fight fate and get the right to see a dream of mine come true for once, then our only way to California might be to buy a trailer here. We’d only need a couple of grand to get into one provided there are no 2 or 4-legged animals allowed. But if we’re going to get something like, “Well, we let dogs and kids in, but we try to encourage people to keep them quiet,” we may as well stay here.

I still say we were meant to be in the city and so in the city, we’ll stay. That is, in the mainstream of it. We wouldn’t have been here so long if we weren’t meant to be. It seems the more we try to fight fate, the more set back we get. We tried to escape the chaos by running to Maricopa, and now we’ve got more noise to deal with overall than ever before. The only difference is that most of it was just a few feet from us in the past. Now it’s here, there and everywhere in general.

We biked up to Fred’s at 8:30. Even that early tons of folks were out and about. Can’t say I blame them since it’s so rarely nice here. It’s back to being gorgeous again, though come early morning it’s pretty damn chilly.

Being the small town that this is, we saw our regular mailman along the way.

Speaking of mail, I forgot to add that while everybody at the jail complains about mail taking so long to get to them, mine’s taking even longer, according to Mary. She says it’s only my letters, too. She received one dated 5/12 on 6/1. I don’t always get to mailing out my letters right away, but that’s a hell of a long time! They’re just fucking with mine because of all the bitching I’ve done about things that have been returned, and although it’s totally against the law unless there’s contraband involved, they’re supposed to give inmates their mail right away. But of course, they are the law, so they can make it or break it.

Kim may not clean her place or throw her trash out, but she cleans her car apparently. I saw her parked right by the dumpster with her trunk open thinking she had filled the area in back so much with bags that she could no longer get to her door, but I don’t think she threw any bags in it. She hasn’t been as bad lately with the late-night comings and goings.

Tom has to get my computer a new heatsink (or should that be spelled sync?) since it’s been overheating a lot lately. There are always, always issues when I sweep.

I finally typed up the letter for the legislator, for whatever good it’ll do me, regarding the stereos. The more people that speak up, the better. It’s just that unfortunately, most people love noise. I’ll have Tom research the best place to send it via email, postal mail or both.

Today’s our 12th anniversary and while it may not count for much with us being just friends, I still couldn’t imagine life without Tom. So to feel this way after so many years tells me I didn’t make no mistake 12 years ago today. His personality is way worth any amount of fun, and mutual sex with a gorgeous woman, not that that was ever meant to be for me anyway.

Yesterday he got me a small barrel cactus. Hope it lives. The lavenders didn’t make it. At least I got the pretty lavender-colored pot out of it in which the cactus is now living.

The Stick Man at the Incense Rack was so thrilled over the email I sent them letting them know how much I enjoyed my win that they put it in their ‘save’ folder. They always strive to produce good products at fair prices, they said. Well, I didn’t tell them that while it’s nice that the incense is fresh, their prices are insane! All but their 25-cent ‘try me’ packs are ridiculous anyway, which consist of 3 sticks each. Incense should never be more than a dime a stick and a retail 100-pack should never be over $5.50 yet they want $8 for their 100-packs! Kepa, however, is going to charge just 50¢ for 10-packs, 75 for 25-packs, $1.75 for 50-packs which is the price of Bendejo’s retail 20-packs, and $4.25 for 100-packs. Tom doesn’t see how they can afford to have their prices so low. I’m glad they’ll be making all their scents available in stick form soon, too. It used to be that most scents were only available as oils.

Mary’s annoying me again. Not with the favors, but with the sensitivity and taking things too seriously. I set her straight in my reply to her, but next time I won’t even bother. I don’t need any shit from anyone. I said I’d like to kill the canal dog at times and that set her off because her aunt’s neighbors poisoned her dog that wouldn’t shut up when she was 5 years old. As I reminded her, people say all kinds of things as a way of venting. She said she’d never speak to me again if I killed it, yet she continues to associate with those who have abused her. Besides, if Tom and I ever did kill any current or future neighbor’s dogs we wouldn’t tell anyone about it. We’re not stupid. Nonetheless, she knows she’s welcome to step out of my life if she needs to, and I told her this. I said I don’t mean to sound cold and indifferent in telling you this, but I’m used to people coming and going in my life, so it wouldn’t faze me. I mean, that is life, isn’t it?

She asked how I’d like it if someone killed my rat. Of course I wouldn’t like it, but I also wouldn’t let the rat annoy people and put her at risk. The dog owners need to take some, if not most of the responsibility.

Oh, and she also took my view of Westerners personally when she’s a Westerner herself. I reminded her that I never said all Westerners were bad, just that there seemed to be more rude, selfish, and vindictive people in the West than the East.

I’m amazed at just how defensive of guys she is for someone who’s gone through so much shit on account of them, as most women do, by saying that while I say most men don’t want kids, they really do because they want to procreate, it’s a macho thing, etc., though she admits they’re not always supportive after the kid’s born. I told her that while I’m no guy expert, this isn’t what I’ve personally seen in life and that the only reason there are so damn many people on earth is that they either don’t think they’ll get the women pregnant as long as they don’t want to, or they figure they can just take off if they do. I’ve heard just the opposite on the macho thing – that men find the idea of kids too non-macho. Macho to them, as far as I’ve always heard and seen, are things like sex, sports, cars, beer, etc. I think a lot of them tell women they want kids because they figure it’s what they want to hear, but this is just my opinion based on what I’ve personally observed. If I got a buck for every story I’ve heard regarding guys either preventing a woman from conceiving or who has run from fatherhood, I’d be filthy rich. I guess different people have different experiences with certain people/places/things. Helen said most of her experiences with blacks had been good. Mine hasn’t.

Her latest goal is to be a counselor when she gets out of there. Well, I won’t tell her this, but she’ll never be one. I hate to say it but her record will forever stop her, although this doesn’t mean she can’t be an advocate for others who have walked in her shoes. It’s unfortunate, but they want people who have always had sane, stable lives. I don’t understand why they should be the ones to counsel those with problems when they can’t relate to them, but that’s just how it is. I don’t think unstable people should be counselors, but doesn’t it make sense for those who’ve had problems in the past to be the ones helping those with problems in the present? Trust me, though, you’ll never meet a counselor who’s had abusive parents, been in funny farms, cut themselves, tried to commit suicide, or anything like that.

She also asked how I could believe such things as God punishing me for altering my teeth, ear or eyes, or that He’d protect my murderer if I were ever murdered, and I’m sorry, but that’s a stupid question. A totally stupid question. No one who’s ever wronged me, be it in a small way or a big one, has ever been made to pay for it. Never. So why in the world could I even think for a minute that anyone who killed me would be brought to any form of justice??? It’s kind of obvious that they wouldn’t, just as it is that He doesn’t like me altering the way I’m supposed to be in any dramatic way. I mean, how could I possibly write these things off as pure coincidence??? She really oughta stop and think before she asks such stupid questions. If by some freak chance any perp of mine did get jailed, it’d be for 5 minutes if even that, and it’d no doubt be someone who didn’t mind and who even liked being in jail. A lot of people do get a kick out of being jailed. I’ve seen it myself.

I got the two Tonner dolls and two outfits I ordered last week and they are gorgeous! I love them.

After what was an amazingly quiet day, it’s getting noisy with the fucking stereos. Late afternoons/early evenings are the worst.

The good news is that more and more places are complaining about noise, particularly stereos which are the number one reason for people relocating, and starting to set up things like loud stereo hotlines, but the bad is that we’re probably still years away from anything major being done about it. There’s a town in Michigan that has both stereo and barking hotlines. It doesn’t surprise me that the East is trying to clamp down on the noise problem more so than the West since the West is so intolerant to complaining. For now, the laws are still just as twisted as the Catholics who preach against single motherhood while trying their damnedest to deny a broke 15-year-old rape victim the abortion she needs.

I had commented to Tom when we were discussing the stereos that they gotta stop selling the damn things. If they stop selling them in the first place, then people can’t abuse what they can’t get a hold of. They’ll think of something else to do, but until then, at least they wouldn’t have the damn things to force us to listen to just because they feel such a need for attention. Tom says he thinks they’ll either start with progressive punishments or limit the volumes upon manufacturing them like they have with iPods in France. To me, that’s wrong to limit the iPods. If an individual wants to blast their own eardrums, they should be allowed to do so. It’s when it affects others that they’re crossing the line. I think they should limit the volume dramatically rather than impose penalties or make it a law that the volume can’t exceed 25’ from the vehicles because one has to consider the types of people that blast these things. They’re the most defiant types, so if they can break a law in the first place, they will. If they limit the volume, they’ll think of other things as I said, but there’d be no getting around this one. Either way, I hope they get hotlines in cities everywhere as long as we gotta be stuck in them. I’d prefer not to have to use it by moving to where they’re less likely to be, but I wouldn’t let the risk of retaliation stop me. If life is supposed to be about taking chances anyway, then I say we should stand up for what we believe in and not let others scare us. I know every situation and individual is different, though. I guess you gotta judge each one as it comes.

I got to be involved in making a very important business decision as far as SOS’s new Silk Splash store goes. I set the price points for them! I registered at their site and received a $10 voucher that new members get. I then emailed Kepa to ask when the incense will be added and what prices the units will be set at. He replied saying that they weren’t sure what to set the increments or price points at and asked if I thought they should do 10, 20, 30, 50, 100, or just 20, 50, 100. I replied saying I thought they should do 10, 20, 30, 50, and 100 at 5¢ a stick. He replied by saying that’s what it’ll be then, and that they were hoping for a spring launch, but the labeling system ended up being a bigger production than they thought. I still don’t know when the incense will be available, but I’ll sure have fun diving in once it is!

Last Saturday we got me a wider bike seat from Fred’s which is more comfortable. Sunday we walked up to do the laundry while we bombed.

Tomorrow I’ll be getting my dolls and the incense I won from the Incense Rack. I like how they have live help on their site.

I’d like to try to be a little creative and do some sewing at the kitchen table, but not wanting to hear the dog’s pathetic pleas for attention, I think I’ll wait and do it at night. Late at night.

I got a letter in Spanish from Children’s International wanting my help. I always thought it’d be fun to sponsor a child, but I won’t because I still think it’s wrong for people to have kids they know they can’t afford. And being too poor to afford birth control is no excuse. Everyone with half a brain knows what time of the month a woman can’t conceive. And there’s no reason the younger guys who would have a harder time refraining from getting off altogether can’t at least pull the plug in time. I say if you have a kid, it should be your responsibility. Not those in other countries, the state’s, or friends and family. Not unless you’re laid up in the hospital with a broken neck anyway.

We checked some online craft stores and it looks like I could get thin sheets of clear plastic to make doll covers with at some point.

I just got a Brazilian Barbie in a purple carnival outfit. She’s from the Dolls of the World Series. I also got Beyonce, and they both look awesome! Way better in person than online. I added their pictures to my Webshots albums which my two “fans” oughta like. Yes, I have a couple of fans who have listed me and my albums as a favorite of theirs, but I can’t tell anything about them. I don’t know who they are or what it is they like best. Probably the dolls.

Tomorrow I’ll be ordering two Tonners and two more fashions. This will be the first time I’ve gotten two Tonners at once!

Spiders are still a problem here, so we’re going to bomb again this Sunday while we walk up to do the laundry. The day before we’re going to ride the bikes to Fred’s, Anyway, Tom says we bombed too soon, but I still say it’s mostly because this sagging shitbox is too open. I swear to God I will never live in anything over 30 years old again!

I’ve stopped writing Mary and Paula until I hear from them. When the unanswered letters start to add up, I start to feel like I’m talking to myself.

I heard firecrackers and looked out the side window at about 9:00. I could see into the lower back bedroom next door cuz the blinds were raised about a third of the way. I saw a couple that appeared to be fighting, but whether or not it was serious or just playing around, I couldn’t tell.

Tom and I agree that these headphones aggravate my ear. He gets pressure pains if he wears his own headphones for too long. I totally regret dumping my old ones. These don’t handle bass like the old ones. They vibrate on the real basey songs. With everything being so basey these days, they should know better than to make headphones that can’t handle it.

I decided I’d join him on the Slim Fast diet he plans on starting since while I can’t put ear or hunger spells on myself, I can at least do the dairy, and because it’s easier if whoever you live with is dieting at the same time. Then we can be miserable together and be each other’s sponsors! If the hunger strikes one of us really bad, the other can talk them out of breaking down and eating. It’s just way too hard to diet or quit smoking when you live with someone doing exactly what you’re trying to stop, so perhaps we should take it one day at a time until we just can’t take it anymore, rather than set time limits or weight goals that may add more pressure to it. I suppose some would say it was silly to lose weight that’ll just come right back, but oh well. It’ll be so much harder for me than for him cuz I gotta get down to 800 cals (I may as well starve, huh?). I’d still rather look as huge and terrible as I do while I was healthy than young, thin and gorgeous with a hellish life like I’ve had too much of the time.

There are 5 different companies running sweeps where you get 40 grand for 25 years. Oh, to win that!!! I’d kill for it! If I could only win one more sweep, that’d be it for sure. Yet the winners always end up being some already rich doctor or lawyer if not someone in their 80s. They should have age limits on these things. They really should. Paying an 80-year-old a huge sum of money like this is ridiculous! They should ban entries of those over 70.

Yesterday was fun. We rode the bikes to Fred Meyer and I never had to stop either way. The first time around was hot because it was warm and sunny. It had gotten cloudy, windy and cooler by the time we headed back, so that made it better. The ride back was more uphill, but as long as I remember to take it easy, I’ll be okay. If I start out too fast, then I get out of breath way too soon. The seat is still pretty uncomfortable despite the cushion on this big ass of mine, so we’re going to get a better one.

People were out and about everywhere, sucking up the wonderful weather and the chance to be noticed despite being in their own little world and oblivious to others at the same time. Adults blared music from their houses with no regard for their neighbors, and kids displayed absolutely no manners or respect for others, so it was a typical all-American day for the most part.

Aside from groceries, I got eyelashes for Denise so she can have bottom ones, too. They weren’t easy to apply, but I did it. She looks much better now, more natural.

I weighed myself on a few of their scales and it seems this scale is closer to 5 pounds too low rather than 10. They said I was 130. I’m not surprised. Any fool could look at me and see I can’t possibly be under 130.

I won two tubes of mascara, a T-shirt, and another piddly win that’s no piddly win to me because it’s 100 sticks of incense from the Incense Rack! I was quite thrilled to receive the win notice from them. This is a monthly I’ve been doing ever since I started sweeping. I had put win spells on this one the night before I got the notice big time, too. Tom said he’s not surprised and that he’s always encouraged me to think positively and try to put spells on various contests. We agree I shouldn’t spread myself too thin, so I’m starting with the smaller contests before I work my way up to bigger ones. With it being still close to the 1st and tomorrow being Monday, I hope to get notices or surprise wins. I had to pay $5 shipping on the incense, but it’s worth it. As messy as it is, I still think it’s the best way to make a house smell good. It’s also the best way to get a great variety of scents. You can’t go to the store yet and get chocolate air fresheners. I went and checked their site and found them to have most of the scents Incense Galore’s got. I worried at first that IG was their supplier, knowing that my patchouli may not be patchouli if that were the case, but it seems that they themselves distribute to various places, even though they’re strictly retail, so maybe they just use the same supplier as IG. They had only a few I didn’t recognize, and only a few of my old favorites were missing from their list. If the sticks I won are any good, I just may make an order soon.

What was neat about this win was that I was the grand prize winner, and Canada was allowed to enter as well. Grand prize gets 100 sticks, 2nd prize gets 75 sticks, and 3rd prize gets 50 sticks. They also said they’re going to enclose samples with my 100-pack. That oughta be fun!

Just when I thought the month would end without any more wins, I hit a Kodak collage instant win and I also won an autographed book. They’re piddly wins, but wins nonetheless.

With today being the 1st, there are over 200 new sweeps. Most are DVDs and other celebrity-related stuff. I am so, so sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston, Brittney Spears and Angelina Jolie! They’re all you ever hear about these days. I’m not a fan of any of them, though I do agree that Angelina’s gorgeous. Naïve, but gorgeous. As soon as fatherhood gets to be too much for the slut she married and she starts getting a little too old, too fat, off he’ll run. He dumped his ex for wanting kids that he didn’t want, so why he got with a chick who had adopted two kids and then allowed her to conceive one of their own, is beyond me.

Last night got pretty scary. I was walking through the bedroom from the bathroom to the living room when I spotted a huge spider on my pillow where I had laid not even 5 minutes ago. So I ran and got the vacuum and as I bent down to adjust it, there was another one on my dresser! So I sucked up the one on my pillow first, then turned around to find the other one gone. Knowing I couldn’t go to sleep knowing that the damn thing was in there, I waited till it came into view again, but when I went to swat it, it dodged into the closet. So I sprayed the closet hoping that would chase it back out, and when it did, I made sure I didn’t miss the second time around!

It was cool and damp today, so it’s backed off the spiders again as well as our little attention-getters’ antics. Even the barking was lessened. If there are two things and two things only I like better about winter it’s that it keeps the bugs away and shuts people up. Well, nothing literally shuts people up, especially those who are the most desperate for acknowledgment, but it sure does help. What I don’t get, though, is why aren’t the bombs and traps keeping these fucking creepers away? Am I going to find 2 or 3 of them in here every day when it finally warms up and stays that way for more than 5 minutes? God, I hope not! That’s another question I can add to the why-are-we-so-destined-to-live-in-noisy-places question. Why am I so destined to be tormented by spiders?

I have felt better since I stopped trying to push myself to have just 800-1000 calories a day to lose weight I’d only put right back on. When I’m hungry, I eat. But only when I’m hungry and not otherwise.