The propane guy is back to being unreliable. His excuse was that he ran out of propane and didn’t want to drive up and down the steep hill with a full tank cuz of all the rain. Yeah, of all the times it rains here, it just has to be now. And it’s pouring like a mother fucker right now, too. The frogs were out croaking up a storm when I got up. I hope he makes it out tomorrow, although our propane should last till Thursday. At least the rain is keeping the pest home and indoors. If the propane guy comes before I crash, then the pest shouldn’t be a pest tomorrow either, and so I should sleep fine.

My back pain started up at the end of the day yesterday, and I woke up with it too, so I don’t know what to think anymore. At least all has been calm in Cyst Land.

Both Tom and D are still being their usual wonderful selves in different ways. Tom keeps things going while D’s a true romantic at heart. Yeah, Tom definitely doesn’t tell me things like, “I will keep the hair out your eyes cuz you have beautiful eyes and they should never be covered!!” when I asked if she thought I should cut my bangs back or not. She thinks I should, and I probably will when I get really fed up with having hair in my face all the time now that it’s getting long again.

I thought Tom was the only person on the planet who could love and accept me as I am. I still can’t believe that D would drop everything to be with me and would take care of me if I were suddenly alone. That’s really, truly flattering!

I gave her some tips and pointers on a paper she had to do on gay marriage that hopefully helped her. I don’t know what gay marriage has to do with criminal justice, LOL, but that’s what she had to do. Then again, there kind of is a connection when you think about it, for there is no justice in discrimination and it’s pretty damn criminal to exclude certain groups from having the same rights everyone else has.

What the hell was that for? Someone just fired a shot. Who would fire a shot in the middle of a cold, rainy night? I couldn’t tell where it was coming from, but it probably wasn’t the assholes in back. This sounded like a big gun, and I’m pretty sure our trigger-happy neighbors prefer pistols.

I just wish it would stop raining. This isn’t New England! Yet we’ve gotten more rain the last two days than Arizona gets in a year. It doesn’t usually rain much here either, but winters are wetter than any other time of year here. The 5-cast says we’re going to be in the 50s, but due to all the moisture in the air, we’ll only drop into the 40s at night. I just wish it would STOP RAINING! At least until we’ve gotten our propane and I’m back on nights again so the rain can keep the pest away.

I stood in the mirror, turned sideways, and yay, my tummy’s almost perfectly flat! Yet I still feel like a blimp anyway. :(

Incredibly I awoke to zero cyst pain! It usually lasts for 3 days, but I have no cyst pain, no back pain, no tooth pain, no ear pain. I’m enjoying a 100% pain-free moment!

Don’t remind me that all good things come to an end. I know that!

We ran out of propane again, but instead of it being around 3am Tuesday morning, it happened at 9am Monday morning instead, so Tom ran out and filled the 5-gallon tank. That’ll hold us well past when the propane guy’s due to come which will be anytime on Tuesday.

I heard the ATV buzzing about and thought the pest would be a pest, but it never was. Could’ve just been going out to the main road for the mail.

Paul’s having a tough time now. The Chinese rejected his book, I guess. I just hope things get better for him. He’s such a nice guy and he deserves good things to come his way!

Although I still don’t like to post stories for free, I figured what the hell, and began posting again at Bookmania since it’s been so long and two of my friends are there. It’s always interesting to see what feedback people leave.

Swapped messages with Joanna on Facebook. She seems to be a really nice person. She’s reading my journal a little at a time and says she can relate to some things.

D said she was only kidding about going blond. Good, cuz I just can’t picture her as a blond! One of the things that attracts me to her is her dark Italian features.

My heart just can’t agree with my head and my head just can’t agree with my heart where that woman’s concerned! My head says to make sure we never meet for fear of what complications, if any, may arise from it. My heart, however, longs to give into its human urges the same as one would get a glass of water if they were suddenly thirsty or head for a bathroom if they needed to pee.

I’m pretty sure D’s having similar feelings. She doesn’t want to encourage cheating or to be a homewrecker, but I know she wants to see me as much as I want to see her and that her feelings for me are the same as mine are for her. And my feelings have deepened far beyond any expectations I may’ve had which wasn’t much! Actually, when we first got in touch with each other I figured that like most people who have led similar lives, she wouldn’t be very bright or mature. But she has shown that while she may not be perfect any more than the next guy, she does have a head on her shoulders. I believe she would make a great husband to someone she truly loves. Twenty years ago, maybe not. With her temper and desire for variety, I can see where it would’ve been harder for her to stay committed when she was younger.

Before Christmas, I would have laughed my ass off if someone told me they fell in love online, even if they did once meet the person a million years ago when they were just kids. But now I can clearly see that these things can and do happen.

If I suddenly had a million dollars and she needed half of it to save her life, I’d give it to her in a heartbeat.

To say I feel blessed to have someone tell me they love me so much that they’d take care of me financially if I were suddenly alone is quite an understatement! And so late in life, too. If it were coming from some drunk, druggie or sicko, then it wouldn’t be so special. I love everything about her from the way she combines my first and middle names saying it has a nice ring to it when she says, “I love you, Jodi Lin,” right down to the way she accepts me as I am. I am very definitely not just another crush to her, LOL, I’m coming to learn!

Well, for whatever it may be worth to her, had we been meant to be I’d have done everything I could to be the best wife I could possibly be. As long as I wasn’t abused or cheated on (and I believe her when she says she wouldn’t think of it) I would take care of the house and be there for her in every way possible.

Like I’ve said a million times before, it’s frustrating to want something I can’t have while at the same time, I couldn’t imagine living without what I do have. I’m in a “Teddy Bear” situation again (yes, that’s the jail guard that liked me that I liked as well). It’s what I’d describe as wonderfully frustrating. It’s nice to love someone and to be attracted to them. But it still sucks to not be able to live out those desires and fantasies even if you’re presently very well-loved and cared for and have been for over 15 years. I think it would be easier if she were a celebrity I had no chance of meeting, thus no chance of having to decide what would be best as far as that went, should the opportunity really ever present itself. Who knows, though, we may all be so broke for the rest of our lives that it could never be an option anyway. Or someone else could sweep D off her feet tomorrow or the next day. On the other hand, I could never fall in love with a celebrity or anyone else I didn’t know at least in some way. It could only be a crush in the case of someone I never spoke to on or offline, and that’s exactly what d started off as. I “saw” her at Valleyhead, but I did not “know” her. I don’t remember any words being exchanged other than the time she asked me to take a picture of her with Tammy.

Well, I love you too, Marie Louise D. And the answer to your question in the next life is yes!

Just got hit with some writing assignments they want done, so I better get to work! At least I get paid for some of my writing.

After having horrible back pain yesterday, Tom and I swapped office chairs. If this and the topper that’s on the way for the bed don’t help I’ll scream! So far the chair does seem to help give my back better support, but it hasn’t even been a day yet so we’ll see. But so far it looks like I’ve swapped in the backaches for the monthly cyst pain. Yeah, just when I thought I was going to get a month off, it gets me. So now I’ll have 72 hours of having to deal with that shit, and each hour gets progressively worse, too! You know I always gotta have something. If it were a contest as to who could have the most heart failure symptoms, I’d have won for damn sure yesterday! I had it all – chest pain, palpitations, bloating, shortness of breath while lying down, etc.

Yesterday I peed off all that water that mysteriously appeared out of nowhere like it sometimes does. I wish the water bloaties would just wait till it’s an appropriate time of the month for them!

So D and I ended up chatting for an hour and 20 minutes. It was 5am my time when we had to stop because my back was that bad. At that time I realized it was kind of cold and that the heater hadn’t come on for quite a while. Yup, we ran out of propane around 3am last night. At least this time around it was because we were stupid enough to wait too long to call the propane guy and not cuz we were broke. We have plenty of money. But from now on we’re calling him at 15%-20%, not 12%!

I turned the portable heaters on, put the bill on Jesse, then Tom went out and hooked up our small 5-gallon tank at sunup. It only has a little over a gallon in it. Tom asked if I thought he should get more tomorrow or just let it run out again on Monday night like it no doubt will, and we’re both okay with letting it run out since they’re coming the next day. Tom will just have to relight the pilots on the hot water tank and heater. The water tank was a bitch, and he almost had to call Jesse.

Speaking of Jesse, he hasn’t been down lately and I don’t know when he’ll be down next. Whiskey will let me know if he goes to work today, but that doesn’t mean he might not come down afterward.

If I had any worries as to whether or not Eileen might find my journal a bit much for her, they’re gone now! I was both surprised and pleased to hear she spent a pot of tea and 1½ hours reading. She said she couldn’t stop reading, I was a good writer, smart, witty and strong, and she found my story riveting and was glad to see I’m still standing strong despite my hardships. Well, I’m just glad to know my journal wasn’t too overwhelming after all! Sure she seems very open-minded and agrees with me on a lot of things about the world in general, but we seem to have lived very different lives, so that’s why I was hesitant at first to share it with her when I came to suspect she missed the link on my Facebook page.

I briefly scanned the gay marriage cases starting in federal court, and once again I couldn’t begin to guess the outcome. On one hand, I still think gays have a good 50 years or so before they get their rights. On the other hand, the bigot’s argument makes no sense in today’s times. They cry for tradition yet there are no “traditions” or “stereotypes” anymore like there used to be 50 years ago. About half the married people have kids these days as does half the singles. Not all gays want kids any more than all straights do, and studies have shown time and time again that it’s not your gender or marital status that raises a productive, happy child, it’s love. So I don’t know that old and outdated traditions will be enough for them to rely on, for saying that only straights are capable parents would be like saying only tall people are capable drivers.

I enjoyed my chat with D. She said she’s thinking of going blond. Kind of hard to picture on an Italian, but we’ll see.

I read her third entry today and got a kick out of it. Not the part where she kicks ass some 13 years ago in a bar, but the part where the chick is accusing her of eyeing her man when in those days it was your wife you had to worry about, as she herself said!

Then I was laughing even harder when she mentioned escaping through the window when this chick’s husband came home early one day and tried to put her pants on while running. I can just picture it, too! OMG, that’s sooo funny!!!

Yeah, my buddy there really got around when she was younger, LOL!

She shared more of her life with me, like how her father, who’s just as fucked up as her mother, hadn’t seen her since she was two. Then when she sent him a ticket to see her, he sent it back cuz she’s gay. I say, however, that that was just a convenient excuse. If it weren’t that, he’d pick some other lame excuse not to see his own daughter cuz of her “lifestyle.” It’s not even a lifestyle. It’s who she is! It used to annoy me when people would say, “Oh, so you chose the alternative lifestyle?” But I did not choose to be attracted to women and it’s not an alternative. It simply is what it is and if anything, I’d choose to be attracted to just men if that was something within my control to choose because of all the prejudice out there. I don’t think there’d be many gays if one could choose their sexuality.

She liked my poem and sent me one she wrote a while back. It was very powerful and very well said.

Many times throughout my life I’ve wondered what would have been if I’d done things differently. Again, I ain’t about to trade Tom for nothing, but I do wonder about how it would’ve been had she and I been together and just how special I am to her. Has she ever felt this way for anyone else? I’m coming to see that no, it’s not just about sex for her. At first I wondered if perhaps she was simply in love with an image of me from long ago, but now I can see that it’s not just about how I look, and she assures me she’d still love me if I were suddenly 200 pounds. She is definitely more romantic than Tom ever was, but not always as calm, cool and collected, as even she’ll admit herself, LOL!

As I told her, I’m not going to sit here and lie to her and say I don’t fear any complications arising from a visit from her. There is a bit of worry there. At the same time, if I could snap my fingers and have her here, I don’t see how I could resist! We are only human. Put two people who are attracted to each other alone in the same room and they’re bound to get it on.

But after the 20-second or so orgasm, would I feel any guilt and like I cheated on Tom even though we’ve evolved into basically being damn good friends? If she visited and we did anything, would he feel hurt if he knew?

She pointed out that she got me for Christmas last year since that’s when we first made contact. I was thinking the same thing! For someone who’s not into Christmas, she was one hell of a Christmas present! Like I said, despite starting off with money worries, 2009 turned out to be a pretty damn good year.

And yes, I love you too, D.

How cool! D started her own diary. She’s got a couple of quick entries, mostly pertaining to me. I said, hey, maybe your own diary will end up on the most popular list too, LOL! I offered to promote it by enclosing the link in my diary. If she has any objections, she can let me know and I’ll pull it out.

I’m the one she refers to as “B,” but as I told her, she doesn’t have to “B” me, LOL. She can use my name. My rule is no last names, no addresses, no emails and no phone numbers, but everybody’s different as far as what they’re willing to say. I don’t even mind my town being mentioned.

As I told her, I would be with her in one of her cold, snowy New York seconds if I were single.

I wrote her a little poem earlier and we’ll probably chat on Facebook in a few hours. We chatted yesterday morning. She said she was sorry about jumping the gun the other day and that abandonment is still an issue for her. It used to be for me too, but then I just got used to and accepted the fact that people will come and go throughout our lives no matter what. I assured her, though, that while I used to be a “casual dumper” and do feel a bit guilty about it, it’d take a hell of a lot to lose me. If she burned our place down or beat me up or ripped us off or did something extreme like that, then I’d leave. But not just because she may get the wrong idea about me at times or not be into the same music I’m into.

I didn’t know she didn’t get along with one of her roommates. That sucks. There’s nothing worse than not getting along with someone you have to live with.

Because she has no rent payment, a part of me thinks she should stay put, but if you’re not happy, you’re not happy, and the older she gets, the less tolerant of the cold and snow she gets.

My friend Eileen sent an email containing an interesting documentary about treating kids with ADHD through meditation as opposed to medication. She herself is going to be teaching meditation to high school kids. I definitely like the idea of a natural solution. They still overmedicate a lot of kids because it’s just easier to stick a label on a problem and treat it with pills. In my case, it was either deal with the effects of ADHD or go back to being a walking pharmacy, and I chose the effects over the cocktail party. But this has got me wondering if meditation could possibly help me with my own inability to focus for long and with my sleep problems. The question is how to meditate. The kids in the classroom in the documentary all appeared to be napping. They were just sitting there with their eyes closed. But what do you think about? I wonder. Are you supposed to think of good things or nothing at all?

I gave her the link to this journal, too. I don’t think she caught it on Facebook. I don’t know her very well, but it just seems odd that she wouldn’t have mentioned it if she’d been here.

I should have the next phase of my autobiography (On My Own in New England) posted within a week. Not all of my time as an adult, but whatever I can fit into a single entry.

Io sono una bionda! Yes, I am a blond. Barely. I think it looks more like light brown. This is the lightest my hair has ever been and a far cry from the reds and dark browns it usually is. I chose to lighten up so as to blend with the gray better. My hair grows so fast that the gray starts showing at the temples in just a week.

I wish I knew why I was bloated and watery at the WRONG time of month, and when the pains in my neck and chest are going to stop. It hasn’t been too bad, though yesterday, and when I first got up today, I had this strange pain at the base of my neck toward my left shoulder. In other words, I still have just about every symptom of heart failure without the failure, LOL.

Tom learned that our giant iMacs are held together with just one screw and 18 magnets. They use these giant suction cups to pry them apart when they need to work inside it which we could buy if we ever needed to get into ours.

I had a detailed dream with lots of dialog in Spanish, but cannot remember it.

My computer glasses finally arrived and boy does this screen look a lot better! And brighter too, now that I don’t have to squint so much.

Although I tried and tried I just could NOT get D off my mind last night! Go away, I’d think to myself, so I can concentrate on my work. But I couldn’t keep her out of my mind for more than a few minutes at a time. Love and lust, especially lust, tend to level off sooner than most people would like, but not in this case. If anything it’s intensifying. That’s not only obvious by just how much I fantasize about her, but because of how much I want to get to know her. If I don’t truly love someone, I don’t care. Not as much anyway.

All night long I went back and forth between fantasizing about her and wondering about her as a person. Sure I’m madly attracted to her, but I’m also curious. Who is the real Marie D? Some may call it nosiness or prying, but I call it what it is in my case and that’s the curiosity that comes with really caring about someone. I don’t care what Jesse’s favorite kind of music might be, and I don’t care what kind of a childhood the cashier at the grocery store may’ve had, and I don’t care if the propane guy has political views similar to mine or not.

But I care about what D likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, dreams and what her childhood was like. I want to know it all from A to Z. The woman I didn’t plan on loving (yeah, life ain’t what we plan it to be) has captured my interest by capturing my heart.

Do I wish I could read her journal? You bet! I’d be curious as hell if I were suddenly alone in her place with her computer (unless she does it longhand), and not just about the parts that pertain to me, assuming she’s even written about me. It would take all I could do to keep from taking a peek out of respect and consideration for her and just let my curiosity remain unsettled. I’d have to sit on my hands! Like she herself said, she’s not obligated to tell people things. She’s got that one right! She’s an adult and it’s up to her who she shares what with. I can only hope she’ll want to open up and confide in me with time, and I do. I know that when it comes to my life I try to share it with others in little doses, for if I gave someone the full dose it just might kill them, LOL!

I felt bad yesterday because I thought she may feel like I was pushing her away, but as I told her, it isn’t how many emails she sends, it’s her jumping the gun and assuming things that annoyed me. But I told her this and she understands.

So Tom and I will have fun hanging out together till he crashes, then I will meet up with D in Never Never Land! I hope to meet up with her in chat land too, but with the way my schedule is lately, I’m going to have to try to catch her in the morning. By the time I get up and get functional, she’ll be going to bed.

Meanwhile, I’m going to be writing, working, and keeping my fingers crossed for her as far as getting the job she wants. It’d pay $12 an hour, though she didn’t tell me what it was for yet. If only Tom could get an interview even if it was for minimum wage ($8)!

Speaking of writing and how my articles are posted online and even in magazines, Tom went to search earlier for places to fill small propane tanks, and came across the review I wrote for one of our local companies! They made it look really professional, too.

The incense sticks are staying lit more often, so yeah, I guess they were just too new at first. Sometimes they still go out but placing them in the bottle helps. The fudge nut brownie rocks!

I hope Paul survived the blizzard he said was on its way a couple of days ago!

Jesse didn’t come down today, believe it or not, and Tom didn’t hear the bulldozer. The weather was lousy, so that may be why. However, when he was down here the day he told Tom the puppy got run over, he said he thinks the people in back finally lost their dogs after they let them loose to kill one of the neighbors’ goats.

For those of you who have recently tuned into my journal, such as a certain someone with a dirty mind and heart of gold, LOL, the people in back have occasionally been a nuisance with their dogs and shooting sprees. They moved in shortly after we did in the summer of 2008 (figures, huh?). They would let their pit bulls run loose and they attacked one of Jesse’s dogs, prompting him to file a complaint with Animal Patrol. He gave us AP’s number to call if we saw them loose again. After a few months, the defiant freeloaders turned them loose again and I called AP. We may not have dogs or goats of our own to attack, but the thought of vicious dogs running loose didn’t thrill me, let alone the fact that they were so noisy. They wouldn’t walk by quietly like cats usually do, but would just stand out there barking at nothing and it was incredibly loud. Louder than Jesse’s dogs.

So the rumor is that they were let loose and they killed one of the goats, and AP finally got fed up with the complaints and took the dogs away. This might explain the weird sounds I heard not too long ago by the open bathroom window. Knowing these kinds of people, they’re bound to get new dogs or do something else to harass people. I hope they don’t go shooting more often!

The proofreading of my autobiography is going much slower than my journals. With my journals, I’m just looking for typos and last names. With my autobiography, I’m adding, deleting and rearranging sentences, so there’s a lot of editing to be done.

Tomorrow’s bound to be a shitty day in that I’m going to have my sleep broken up. I’m hoping they’ll bring the damn bullshitter down in the back where they plan to cut the trees and avoid waking me up. But I won’t count on it. And of course, there’s still the fake grass project we gotta deal with, too. I’m trying to push my schedule around faster but can only push it so far so fast. Maybe I ought to pump myself with caffeine. Then again, I’m just destined to get woken up here and there no matter what! Oh, and they’re not cutting the dead trees up because of any fines they might receive, but Jesse’s father’s only means of heat is via the fireplace, so they’re going to cut it into firewood. So I have to lose sleep so this guy can have heat, WTF?!

What’s with the fog here at night? It’s the strangest thing, but not only was Tom able to get TV channels from San Francisco last night for some reason but come dusk we get shrouded in this mysterious fog that appears out of nowhere. Even when there’s no rain or clouds.

Swapped emails with my D, as usual. She really seems to love and accept me as I am, and that’s so sweet of her. I always hated it when people would love me for my measurements only. To me, attraction is just a bonus, though you do gotta have some, especially in the beginning. I just always hated it when someone wanted to be my friend (or more than friends) simply because of how I looked. We all want to know we’re looking good to those we care about. But as I told her, if she’s like Tom and could still love a person even if they were scarred and disfigured in an accident, then she’s a hell of a person! She always brings a smile to my face (and explicit images to mind). When it comes to lovers I’ve always wanted to feel that I’m special and not just another attractive person or just another person they’ve come to love. I want to be queen, I want to be IT! The #1 belladonna. They don’t have to love everything about me as a person or about my appearance, since hey, no one’s perfect, but I want to rank incredibly high on their list!

She assures me she couldn’t keep her hands off me if she got the chance to show me just how much she loves me. That’s nice cuz I don’t think I could keep my paws off her! I just might not tell Tom that much. He knows we’re attracted to each other, but even though we’ve been just damn good friends for years now, I wonder if the thought of me having sex with another woman, whether I loved her or not, would hurt him? If I were ever faced with the possibility of actually having intimate relations with another woman, I’d have to ask myself a few questions:

Would what Tom may not know not hurt him if I didn’t tell him we had sex?

Would it be wrong even if we’re just friends and still love each other?

She said her first marriage broke up because she just couldn’t say no to a beautiful woman. She couldn’t say no and I couldn’t get anyone to say yes. At least not the ones I wanted to hear yes from. Had I always been into guys or butches, then I would’ve gotten plenty of yeses. But I was into the lipstick lesbian thing before meeting Tom.

Could I say no? If a woman I was attracted to, such as D, got me alone and initiated sex, could I say no? Or would I only be human and want her to put out my fire much as I would want to get a drink if I were thirsty?

I think I know the answer to that.

Neither of us can figure out how we came to love each other. I guess you could say we’ve both given up trying to figure it out. What is just is.

She’s talking more about visiting, and now she’s even thinking of getting out of New York and moving west so she doesn’t have to drive in the snow anymore. The thought of having her nearby is both scary and exciting. I wouldn’t want any complications that may arise, but I also love the idea. As I told Tom, I sometimes wish we had local friends so we could help each other when we needed it. Not just with big things, but with little things, too. We both agree, however, that she should get her degree first and save money.

I’ll always wonder what it’d be like to be with her. Would it have been like in my stories? Just ok? A disaster? Well, I can’t guarantee I’ll never have sex with another woman again, but I will NOT leave my husband. I still believe that just about all lust dies with time. So why leave someone I love just as much if not a million times more? Tom and I will always have a lot more history together than D and I will ever have even if she’s a part of my life for the rest of my life, and she swears she will be unless I tell her to go and that she’ll always love me no matter what I look like.

She too, worries I won’t like what I see if I suddenly saw her. Oh, but I’m sure I will, LOL! I think she got much better looking with age not that she was ever ugly. I love those dark eyes and shiny black hair, especially when it’s sort of long in back like in this one picture where she’s laying on a couch with her cat. She looks at least 10 years younger and appears to be in great shape, too.

Either way, we can dye our hair but no one’s exempt from aging. And that’s ok as wonderful as she is!

I wish there were more hours in a day! I haven’t had much time for working on stories or studying languages. It seems it took me forever just to do this entry as fast as I type.

Later…

rolls eyes and laughs D’s being a paranoid pest. My inbox was flooded with like a dozen messages from her when I got up, but as usual, the first two hours of my day were spent doing other things. So I didn’t get to do much computer-wise till around 7pm. I guess being on the rag made her a touch insecure, LOL, and she assumed that I was pissed at her when she didn’t get a reply when she messaged me earlier than I’d planned on being messaged by her. She got off work earlier than she expected, so I hadn’t factored her into my schedule. Didn’t think we’d chat till this weekend.

I’m almost glad she didn’t live locally today, LOL, cuz she probably would’ve been beating on the bedroom window to ask if I were pissed and THEN I’d have been pissed for damn sure!

By the time I caught up on other things, she was in bed, so I sent a message letting her know that I’m the LAST person to keep their mouth shut when annoyed or pissed at someone! Anyone who knows me knows I couldn’t keep my mouth shut if I tried. So I’ll gladly let her know if I get pissed at her. I adore the hell out of her, but she’s gotta give me some space at times, as I told her, cuz as it is I don’t have enough hours in my day to do everything I’d like to do.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there to cheer her up if there was anything else going on that I don’t know about. She said something about an interview and getting her hair done, but I don’t know what it’s for.

It was my turn to bug her when I saw her weather. Man is she getting slammed with cold and snow there in Trumansburg, LOL! I teased her about it, saying her heater and hot water tank must be running non-stop like the energizer bunny out of control! I just hope she’s careful driving. I’d rather her flood my inbox with her silly paranoia than end up dead!

She said something about having issues and keeping them to herself 99% of the time, but like I told her, that’s not good! She needs to get things out so she doesn’t go exploding.

She shared a fantasy with me that I won’t repeat here. grins She also joked about women liking her for some reason. Yeah, they sure do! I don’t own her, I told her, and we’re not married, so she’s free to whore around, though I’d say she’s beyond those days, LOL!

I didn’t get up till 5pm, and amazingly, Jesse let me sleep, even though he did drop off another roll of grass today. All he did was drop it off, though. He didn’t drag it across anywhere. He didn’t know when he’ll be back either. Depends on if he’s working. He also wants to wait for better weather.

We went out to the grocery store and man was it scary for a minute there! The fog was so thick we could barely see. The Chinese food (fried chicken and rice) and chocolate-covered cherries I got were worth it, though.

I swapped messages with Jessie, who’s on a medication that bloats her out so much that she says she looks pregnant and will scream if one more person looks at her stomach, the poor thing. She’s also sick of hearing about the president’s “dinners” and their fancy clothes while so many people struggle to survive. Yeah, I’m pretty damn sick of him and his shit, too.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the equality thing the gays have going on in the Supreme Court. I didn’t even know about it till Tom told me. The news is too depressing so I don’t keep up on it. I’m fed up with all the BS going on in the Middle East anyway. We’re both all for it, of course, and again, it’s not just about marriage, but about stopping the way people are treated differently like when blacks filed a case against being made to drink from separate water fountains and sit on the other side of a restaurant, etc. Gays can’t file taxes jointly and save money like we can. Tom could visit me in the hospital if I were in an accident, but a gay couple who’s been together 50 years can’t see their loved ones in the hospital and that’s pretty messed up. So it’s also about taxes, hospital visits, adoption, etc. This could be a huge stepping stone for them, but knowing how twisted and unfair the laws and world can be, I wouldn’t hold my breath either.

You could say I’ve got quite a resume going from babysitting and housekeeping to singing and dancing, and then from contests to writing. I’ve never had a writing assignment rejected yet, and some are posted online while others may appear in magazines that you may very well read. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t write. If I’m not writing for myself, I’m writing for someone else. Sometimes it’s stuff I’m familiar with due to firsthand experience. Sometimes it’s opinions and theories. Sometimes it’s a particular subject they need a writer to do a review or an article about and I gotta research the subject first.

The propane people are coming on Tuesday. Propane’s more expensive now and will cost $250 for 100 gallons. Thank God for the Turk! It should last till April or maybe even June this time around. When it’s at its coldest the gage drops 1% a day. It seems to total about $800 a year in propane, maybe a little less. It beats the $450 electric bills we had in the summers in Maricopa. And of course, the forced air heaters in the Oregon duplex were quite an expense, too.

I don’t miss the cold and snow up there, but miss seeing some of the people. There were so many nice people up there! I still wonder what became of Jane. And I miss seeing Liz and Estella at the grocery store. Then there was Jan, a member of the Klamath Indian tribe, who traded in her brick-and-mortar store for an online store. I wish I could remember her web address! Tom’s coworker Eddie was just a phone call away if we needed help moving anything. It was the type of town where everybody knew everybody else. I miss the mailman, Randy, most of all, believe it or not. He was such a nice guy. If I can ever finish editing my autobiography, I’ll have the rest of our time in Oregon posted on Blogger.

Despite the people I miss, it was a dead-end town for us and we would’ve ended up a million times worse off had we been there when the economy collapsed. I just didn’t think we’d jinx this state by moving to it, but it sure seems like we did just that!

I wrote a letter to my folks and let them know that other than having to make a career of unemployment, we’re doing well. I said I’d try to write every month or so since I’ve gotten real bad about keeping in touch by phone. We couldn’t have talked more than half a dozen times in the last few years, and most of the time it’d be them calling me!

My back has been fucked up lately and I wonder if my chair could have anything to do with it. The mesh backing is stretching out and causing me to slouch.

So where does all the time go, I wonder? It seems it took me, someone who types faster than a bullet, forever to write my folk’s letter and to do this entry. The hours slip by so fast and I just can’t do everything I want to do. I wish there were more hours in a day! Since work is slow right now I guess I’ll go try to do some editing.

Woke up to an email from D, which put a smile on my face as always. She said, “Yes, smartass, we are freezing our asses off right now,” after I teased her about her cold and snowy weather. As I told her, “Keep warm, Detective, cuz your highs are going to be half of our lows.” I tease her about going ice skating on the pond in front of her place.

But I also worry about her safety out on those snowy roads. Where cotton fields are aplenty here, cornfields are the thing there, and she drives through them getting too and from work. There’s also a deep ditch nearby too, so getting home is always a bit treacherous. Guess she got home early tonight because I just missed her when she tried to catch me on Facebook. She only had a few minutes, but I was taking a coffee break.

She’s made it her long-term goal to visit someday which would be nice, but I worry that actually seeing me would pop that perfect bubble she seems to imagine me to be in. As I reminded her, I’m not that 27-year-old, 100-pounder in that topless picture of me she loves to drool over, LOL! I know I’m doing damn good for 44, but I am 125 pounds and I do have a sprinkling of gray hairs.

She has her own worries too, like her becoming a distant memory to me by the time she can get out to see me. I don’t think she will, though. I know nothing in life is guaranteed. She may decide tomorrow or next year that she’s sick of me. I just try to take it one day at a time, seize the moment and enjoy it. Sure I worry about the future too, and am sometimes haunted by the past. But living in the moment is what I try to focus mostly on.

Like Tom is to me, Mel is everything to her as sexless as the relationship is, and would follow her anywhere. I’ll admit that while I’d always be polite to Mel if we met, I’d also be a touch envious. She’s got what I want, but I’m also glad she treats D right.

I still try to imagine what it would be like to be with D, and I know I can never know that for sure. Maybe it’d be heaven, maybe it’d be hell. Maybe she’d do right by me and always take care of me. Or maybe she’d start drinking again, whoring around, and then toss me out on my ass with no means of support.

The pest was nice enough to wait till after I got up today to come down and push the strips of grass together. He came down on the bulldozer, followed by his kid on the ATV. With the kid guiding him, he pushed the grass strips into place. They look like they can simply be picked up and moved around like a mat, but are actually super heavy.

Maryann was down at one point too, to see the grass. She didn’t come to the door, but Tom thought it looked like her car.

The only good in it was having fun playing with the dogs. They seemed really timid at first, then they were all over me, all loving and affectionate. Whiskey, who weighs almost half of what I weigh, nearly knocked me down when he jumped on me. He’s about 60 pounds, and Tom thinks I’m too small for a dog that size if we get a dog of our own and that we’d be better off with something like a cocker spaniel. Yeah, maybe someday.

Anyway, after Jesse left and we were on our way to the store, Tom told me he thinks Jesse’s mean to the dogs. He says he thinks he may hit them or throw stuff at them when they misbehave. I can believe this, and this is exactly what he told us to do to shut them up, along with yelling at them. As soon as they realized we weren’t going to hit them, they were sucking up every ounce of attention they could get from us. This doesn’t surprise me, considering how much of the time they’re left alone, and if he is abusing them, that’d make them want to seek out attention from good people all the more. They didn’t even want to go home at first. Once Jesse and his kid headed off, I figured the dogs would be quick to follow, but they weren’t. They wanted to hang around down here. The fact that Jesse doesn’t always keep an eye on them when they’re loose is enough to tell me something about him. If one of my dogs had just wandered down to the main road and gotten hit and killed by a car, I’d want to be more careful, but he didn’t seem to care whether or not they went home.

We went to the store and picked up a few treats to give ourselves a break from the usual stuff we’ve been eating, and to get out for a while. The store was pretty crowded, but hey, this is California. Why wouldn’t it be?

NorCaliGirl is still in the lead on the story site! And fast losing hope of ever hearing from the publishers at the other site.

A lot of the incense sticks I just got kept going out on me, so Elliot, being the nice guy that he is offered to send me a smoking bottle free of charge to see if that’d help keep them going. They’re now testing them on their end, using some of the scents I ordered to see if they experience the same problem. As I told him, though, I already have a bottle. For the most part, I would just clamp the sticks upward at a 45º angle and let the ash drop onto a piece of tin foil. I found that the sticks burned faster upside down. Strangely enough, though, since I got his message several hours ago, none of the sticks I’ve burned have gone out on me, though I do have my bottle handy to relight any stubborn ones in. They sure smell good when they are lit! So far it seems all I had to do was just tell them the sticks were going out to fix the situation, LOL! Maybe they were just too new. Either way, why can’t telling Jesse his dogs drive me crazy be just as quick of a fix?

Speaking of Jesse, HE’S driving me crazy! How many more damn days is this pest gonna wake me up?! Yeah, today he dragged down another roll of fake grass and personally, I think it’s kind of ugly. There are gray and yellow stripes throughout it. I guess this is because it’s the same stuff they use on football fields.

Anyway, the pest is going to bring in one or two more rolls, then there’s the tree-cutting expedition I gotta deal with, too. That’s taking place at the end of the week from what Tom was told because work’s going to be slow for him this month. I just wonder how many days this is going to take and if we can EVER go longer than 4-6 weeks without either something breaking or some project needing to be done that doesn’t really need to be done. Living with your landlord really sucks. The only time I was glad he was just a hill away was when the pipe busted out of the pressure tank.

It’s a no-win situation whether I’m on days or nights. When I sleep during the daytime he wakes me up. When I’m up during the daytime he’s annoying me. I would still rather the distractions than the wake-up calls since I can’t go long without having to have one or the other.

Here’s where it gets funny. I said to Tom, “Well, since you think I’m still a psychic influencer, I ought to try seeing if I can will the dogs to go off late at night when he’s asleep.”

So around midnight I closed my eyes and concentrated really hard. Sure enough, Brandy started barking. Way to go, girl! I’ll try to will her to pitch another fit after this entry. Ah, payback’s a bitch!

D and I exchanged emails since our schedules are off and she’s back to working 2nd shift. What did we talk about? That’s for me to know and you to wonder! But I can say that I did have fun teasing her about the horrible weather she’s having and that I still don’t know how I fell so hard for her. I guess that would be like asking how I fell in love with Tom. After having a crush on just one guy when I was 14, I don’t know how it happened. Like I said, these things aren’t within our control or something we plan out. It sure amazes me, though, to be in love with someone I’ve known almost all my life, even if there was a huge gap in between. I’m sure she’s thinking the same things, too!

I hope we can talk sometime. I wonder if her voice sounds as I imagine it to sound. Then again, I’m not really sure how I imagine it to sound. After all, she was only about 15 when we met.

I am not looking forward to spending a few days in pain, but that’s what may end up being the case soon enough, and I’m pretty sure that yeah, it is a cyst on my ovary. Hopefully, it’ll take a month off!

Why oh why did I have to not only be dumb enough to collect so many dolls but end up with a couple of mannequins as well? The standing one doesn’t take up much room, but the sitting one does so I packed her away and threw her in the shed. I’d still like to sell her, but not many people want to buy mannequins!

Bookmania wants me back. Yeah, they sent an email claiming to be bigger and better, yet their homepage still looked the same to me. Besides, I’m not going to go back to posting just anything just anywhere. If the guy wants to pay me for my time and work, then I’ll go back.

The Turk is alive and kicking again, so off I go to see what jobs I can do as a successfully burned stick of peach dies out. Pink Sugar is my favorite, but every time I light musk incense I think of D since that’s her favorite. I gave her the site address in case she wants to get some for herself. She’d receive it fast being in the same state.

I got the sweetest email from D waiting for me when I got up. smiles dreamily I read it a few times it was just so sweet and I felt tears sting my eyes. Wish I could share it online, but I doubt she would want me to, LOL.

I wish I could make a copy of myself like we can make copies of music or doc files! I’d keep a copy here with my in-the-flesh love, then send another copy to my electronic love so she could be in the flesh, too! Oh, what I want to do with that girl! And it ain’t just about lust either. It’s more than just sex, alright, and definitely not something I expected to happen. But these things aren’t exactly things we can pick and choose, and if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing! I’m glad it happened and I know I took her by surprise, too. I’d just make an extra copy of myself, LOL! Even if that extra copy had to freeze its ass off in the cold and snow (it hit 60º where my one and only self really lives).

She and I chatted earlier, then I had to look for work. There hasn’t been much of that lately, so that leaves laundry and writing. Of course I ran a mile, then rode the bike a mile too, after doing 100 or so ab crunches and working my arms.

All these damn holidays have my days all mixed up. For some reason, I thought today was Monday and I thought it strange that my lady would want to chat from work since she’s back on 2nd shift and it was only around 4pm here.

Jesse just had to come down and I just had to be sleeping on my bad ear so he could wake me up. He wanted to see how easy it’d be to drag out one of the rolls of fake grass. He was here an hour (sober) and might be back Monday. Yeah, I’m sure he will be, too. If it isn’t something breaking, it’s some kind of project, though I stayed in bed and let Tom deal with him.

Tom said the dogs were quiet, all over him, and rolling all over the grass. Yeah, the dogs are as well-behaved when people are around as they are misbehaved when no one’s around.

It had occurred to me about a month or so ago that I hadn’t heard more than two dogs barking at the most, and I hadn’t seen more than two either. Well, sometimes we really do get what we wish for. No one shot all three dogs, but one got run over, LOL! Hey, I guess 1 out of 3 ain’t too bad. I guess it was established between the three that everybody must follow Brandy. And one day Brandy led them on a journey far more dangerous than our journey from Oregon to Cali. As in a trip out to the main road for a car to run over the puppy. Jesse told Tom that Brandy came back scared as hell. Then a couple of hours later Whiskey returned. At that point, he knew something was up and so he drove out to the main road where he found the puppy. He then took it back and buried it. I’m so glad I wasn’t out there with them today! It’s all I could’ve done to keep from laughing when he told this story! Hey, two’s company, three’s a crowd. Guess the sins of our forefathers really are visited upon our offspring and that’s what the puppy got for its dad driving me crazy. Hope this happened after he got everybody fixed, too. Maybe now he’ll quit leaving them loose when he’s here since they’re obviously not as trustworthy as he thinks they are.

Happy New Year Hit and Runner, whoever you are, wherever you are!

Now if only these rats would join the puppy in the heavens above. I ought to be the car that runs them over! Puerco still looks healthy, but I really thought Bendejo would be history months ago. He acts weak and old at times and his fur’s thinning out, too.

D said she dedicated a song to me on MySpace but we have to be friends before I can see her profile page, so I sent her an invite. No hurry, I’m sure I’ll hate the song anyway, LOL!

Auburn, California
Age 44

So I got up today at noon, checked my email, and as expected there were about a dozen messages, pokes, and feedback from D, as I’m now supposed to refer to her. They start off with their usual flirtatious undertone and then I get a little surprise in response to my entry titled Pregnant? written to lead people to think Tom and I still get it on.

The message from D was: so I was reading sept 2 2009 entry and you said you guys were careful so I could not be pregnant. I had mentioned I do not like men in that way and if you guys are using me to both get your rocks off it stops here!!

Surprised by the sudden swing, I figured it had to be a misunderstanding on her part of some kind, though I already knew I was going to cut her off since the last thing I care to do is have to defend and explain myself to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I had just gotten up, though, so I waited to check it out after I’d had my coffee and taken my shower. Once I read the entry she was referring to I said to myself, whoa, this isn’t just a simple misunderstanding. This is clear-cut insanity! Her response has absolutely nothing to do with the entry. What’s her not liking men have to do with what I wrote? And where does she get off thinking Tom and I would ever “use a lesbian to further our sex life” as she said in another message to get our rocks off? Besides, I didn’t even know her in September!

For whatever it’s worth, threesomes have never appealed to me any more than getting fucked in the ass and I’m sure my husband agrees. To each their own. I’d never condemn one’s fantasies that aren’t violent or forceful. Not only are threesomes unappealing, but I have never stepped out on my husband and I’m sure he’s never stepped out on me. I’ve flirted, like most people, but that’s as far as it went. Not that I could imagine he’d ever want to, but I would rather Tom have sex alone with another woman than with her and I both. Nonetheless, here’s the entry she’s referring to:

The freeloader’s dog barked at me a few times at 2:30 last night when I went into the kitchen to make a pig of myself yet again. Unless it was really Brandy. Neither of us has seen any dogs, but I still think it’s a matter of time.

I hate this time of year when September rolls around. Not as much as I did as a kid since September meant the start of school, and I hated school. I still hate it, though, as it means cooler temps, more noise, and holidays galore. I hate holidays that disrupt our lives, especially the mail. Our check is going to be a day or two late cuz of Labor Day, but we have plenty of food. That is if I can stop making such a pig of myself. I just don’t get it. I’m not only insanely hungry, but I am also able to take in HUGE quantities of food like when I got carried away after quitting smoking. It’s either hard to fill up at all or I’m only satisfied for 5 minutes. Keep this shit up and I’ll be looking at not only not losing any more weight, but putting what I’ve lost back on and then some!

I wish I knew what was causing such hunger and bloating. My metabolism is acting like old times - jumping 2-3 pounds after eating, sustaining its weight after not eating.

Given my age and how careful we are, I don’t see how I could be pregnant. I’d get an abortion if I were, even if I had to pawn this Mac to do it, as I do not want a child.

I will honor her request to be referred to as just M or D here, as well as her request not to mention her past or the depth of her feelings for me. But I can’t continue communicating with her. Be good to me, I’ll be good to you. Piss me off, I’ll never forgive you. I can’t go so far as to say she’s literally pissed me off, but I am A, highly annoyed, and B, I see a potentially dangerous side to D coming out. She was never violent that I recall at VH, but has admitted to being jailed for assault. I hate to say it, but a lot of these butches can be just as violent as some guys can be, and D isn’t someone I could take. If anything she could probably kick the crap out of 90% of the population. Perhaps I’m wrong, and if I am, I am and I’m sorry, but I can totally picture myself, had we ever been together somewhere in public, getting my ass screamed at or beat for what she thought was me checking out some other woman across the street when in fact I was really checking out a window display.

You would think that after 44 years of experience with people, I’d have seen this coming. Even she herself said she had to take meds to keep on an even keel. I thought it strange that she would still need meds this late in life, but they obviously mask her crazy, paranoid side quite well, for she had come off until now as being quite with it. She seemed to really have a head on her shoulders. I was impressed. But seeing this dark side of her jump out at me like it has makes me sooo glad that we weren’t single and within easy reach of her when we made contact on Christmas. I wouldn’t have hesitated to get together with her and I have a huge feeling I would be very wrong in believing she wouldn’t have broken my heart and that she would’ve been very good to me. I’m sure it would have started off wonderfully. Until she got something out of context, took it all wrong, or had some kind of insanity attack for no apparent reason at all.

No matter how many women I may be attracted to, Tom is my one and only true love. If he came out and told me he killed 100 people, nothing would change my feelings for him. Fireworks may fizzle with time and age, but sometimes love just keeps on growing!

Do I regret the last week of having D in my life? No. Absolutely not. Her attraction and feelings for me are flattering and always will be. There will also always be a special kinship between us being victims of VH together amongst a few other things. A part of me will always adore D. Both the friendship and fantasy are over, but I will always be attracted to her and hope for the best for her. I hope she finds that special Miss Right and that they both make each other happy for the rest of their lives. sighs It’s sad that it has to end this way for us, even if we could never be anything more than cyber girlfriends, but it does. Besides, I’m much too busy these days to deal with any shit unless it’s something I have no control over. Like the assholes in back getting trigger-happy. Ugh!

D also asked how Tom and I were almost killed, about the lump in my breast, and if I was okay. As far as I know, I’m okay. And how we were killed refers to how we nearly killed ourselves to escape starving in the streets before my parents came to the rescue back in 2007 when we got stuck in motels shortly after moving down here. This was caused by us not being able to access our money for a while and that particular nightmare will be posted as part of my autobiography I’m slowly editing and reposting.

It took over a month to do it, but my story is #1 on the other site with over 1000 views! Wow, the #1 journal here and the #1 story there? Wow! Just wow.

I have other things to write about but am all written out for now. And sad over my falling out with D.

If D’s such a pest and a nut, then why do I feel so damn guilty for dumping her? Ugh! rolls eyes After all, I am the one that wrote the fucking entry while I told her the truth and that Tom and I are “more like good friends” like she and Melanie are. She loves her, but they don’t have sex, she said. She seems to have been honest with me. Oh well. What’s done is done. Yeah, I feel bad, but she’ll get over it.

Later…

Wow, it’s still the 1st and I’ve already done so much writing! Anyway, I didn’t realize at first what it was that had pissed D off. I’d forgotten about that entry as it was months ago. But after putting myself in her shoes, I said to myself, “Come on, this is silly. You’d be pissed too, reading one thing while being told another. Tell it like it is in your journal and keep the bullshit confined to your stories. That’s what stories are for!”

For a while, I considered dropping online journaling, but I know some people count on my entries and that we can’t all please everybody all the time. We all write and say shit that some folks just aren’t gonna be happy about from time to time. So should we all go away?

Before I get back to D, I admit it – the Ariella entries that I removed some time ago were pure bullshit. Back when my sister and her brood were harassing me, I figured that if they were going to keep bitching about my journal, I ought to really give them an eyeful! But there never really was an Italian hottie up the hill I got it on with named Ari. “Ariella Givanni” is just a character in the book I’m writing. We don’t even know our neighbors. We sometimes see their damn dogs and we hear their gunshots, but we don’t know them.

Yeah, the assholes in back are back to shooting again. I expected people to get trigger-happy last night and they did. So much so that I’m surprised the dogs weren’t going off, but they were probably scared shitless.

Today, though, the assholes “test-fired” a few rounds no doubt to see if they could get away with it or if whoever called the cops on them last time would do it again. We can’t swear that the shooters are the same people with the dogs that they sometimes let loose, though not nearly as much as I expected. But I think they are the same people. I know these defiant, pushy types that just don’t want to get along with anyone.

Other than exchanging “Happy New Year” messages with Eileen and a few other cyber buddies, not much else is going on. Oh yeah, the pest (Jesse), came down yesterday with some woman. I guess it was to show her the roll of fake grass. They were only here a second and didn’t knock on the door, but I just hope he and the shooters don’t drive me too crazy! I really hope the laying of the grass and other projects aren’t too long and drawn out either! We can’t even go a month or two without something going on around here. They may have to be done, but it can still get annoying. So until the grass is laid, a part of me is going to want to strangle whoever gave it to him in the first place!

Oh, to have our own place so we could control what went on and when! I’m kind of surprised he didn’t make a pest of himself today, but I’m also not since he was probably too hungover.

Tom and I decided to make our own calendar this year, each of us picking out a picture every other month. He picked out this month’s picture (a nice garden scene he knew I’d like) and I’ll pick next month’s.

New Year’s Eve has always been my favorite holiday and it was fun hanging out with Tom and watching the ball go down. As always the real new year for me was 9pm my time being from the east and all. Tom, on the other hand, said he wished he could stay up till midnight and celebrate the New Year, but was too tired. I assured him it already was the New Year and he could go to bed. I almost got some wine coolers, and then said nah. I haven’t drunk in years, and it wouldn’t look very good of me to compliment D’s quitting drinking, then getting buzzed on wine coolers myself.

Sent 4 requests to God for the New Year. 1. That Tom and I and those I love remain in good health. 2. That we survive this damn economy. 3. That we “go home” this decade. 4. That D and I one day meet up, even if it takes 20 years and is only for 5 minutes.

Back to D. grins and feels a warmth spread throughout her So I started off the new decade in a cyber fight, LOL. It wasn’t the first one and I doubt it’ll be the last. She apologized profusely, telling me that it was just the Italian in her coming out. And I apologized like crazy for being a Jewish bitch and not telling her about the entry. I totally forgot about it. She said nah, I was a fem and she was a soft butch, LOL! She cracked me up a few days ago when she said, “Butch, dyke, tomboy, they all apply to me!”

Then again, she pretty much always cracks me up. The fantasies we share are fun. It’s a good way for two people to be together who can’t be together. We’re both spoken for and while there may not be any sex, we still love the ones we’re with. Although we sometimes feel like something is missing, we agree that lustless love is better than loveless lust.

I can’t put this part online, but she told me about her mother trying to kill her when she was just 6 and how her aunt came to the rescue, as well as being homeless and shacking up in abandoned houses for 6 months throughout the winter of all times when she was just 19. She had stayed with Tammy and her husband for a while, but that was too freaky for her.

She was even married twice. The first one was her fault, she said, the second was a psycho. She said she would marry me if she could and believes that three times is the charm.

Oh, that is so sweet of her! But I have to wonder. What if she saw me right now? Right this very instant. Would she still feel the same? Or would the bubble of her fantasy be deflated? Would I still be so perfect in her eyes? Or would the extra weight, gray hairs and the few wrinkles I’m just now starting to get kill that fantasy?

I didn’t realize D would take such an interest in me overall. It’s truly touching. When I first said hello on Classmates – shit! I just missed a $10 writing job on the Turk! – I wasn’t sure I’d get a reply. And if I did, I figured it’d be quick and not curt or rude, but not friendly. In other words, I figured she’d just be like yeah, yeah, whatever. So it’s little Evil Knievel. Big deal.

But I WAS a big deal and I’m way flattered and wowed by her interest in my life, my journal and “wanting to learn me” as she puts it (something about that turns me on, too). And yeah, I WOULD see her in a heartbeat if she were within reach, and no I don’t think she’d really harm me, like I said when I was pissed, if she misunderstood something I said or did. Raise her voice maybe, but not want to kill me or anything like that, LOL. I have never known her as an adult, but this is just what my gut instinct tells me. Especially with the way she basically fought for me for a few minutes there, LOL, saying she’d never forgive herself if I let her go.

How romantic, huh? To have this childhood crush come to life so many years later. I had wanted to tell her of my true feelings for her but was afraid it might be too much for her. Fortunately, I was wrong. Yes, for the second time since knowing Tom, I am in love with another woman. The first time was with the DO (detention officer) who liked me in jail (this will be posted sometime over the next few months). It took a few months, but I did come to love her, even though her promises of us getting together after my release failed to happen, and she was transferred from the female inmates to the male inmates after too many “flirtatious” rumors circulated throughout the jail.

If it had been any other student I knew there telling me the same things D was telling me it wouldn’t faze me at all. If any other student contacted me right now and said they were attracted to me or told me anything else I promised not to write about, they might as well be telling me they liked the color of my shirt for all I would care. When you try to convince yourself that something isn’t so, you know it really is, LOL! Like the argument I had with myself proved that went something like this:

Me: I love D.

Me2: That’s not possible.

Me: But I do. Love doesn’t lie. I know the feeling. And I knew it the instant we first exchanged messages.

Me2: But you didn’t even know her! Honestly, you can’t remember one single word you ever said to her at VH, though you’ve tried and tried.

Me: But I know how I feel. It’s a different kind of love than my love for Tom or my mother or my friend Paula. But it is love.

Me2: Like Miss Picky – so picky she didn’t marry till she was 28 – would just up and run out and marry (or join in a civil union if that was the best she could do) tall, dark, hot Italian D if she were suddenly single and within reach to do so?

Me: Damn right I would!