Can’t sleep. Too much on my mind – the present, the future. The last thing I want is for Tom to be miserable in any way and so I worry the conditions at work will become just horrible for him. But at the same time, the thought of staying in this damn trailer another year or two to save enough money to get out of this damn state altogether makes my stomach turn. Most of our time in this state has sucked and I still regret coming here. Even so, we should just move as soon as we can and then if things don’t get better at work he can look for another job. He may still be older and white, but the economy is better now, so it shouldn’t take months for him to get something else if it got that bad.

I realize now more than ever that true security for us is just a dream whether we’re poor at the moment or we’re not. I want to just find the ideal rental and stay there for the rest of our lives! Or at least till he retires. Moving around was fun and adventurous for a while, but I’ve been moving every few months to every few years since I was 19 and I’m sick of it. It’s just that I had figured we’d stay in Cali at least till he retires and then head out of state when getting a job would no longer be an issue and we could get into a retirement community right away. Even if we had the 15K or so I’d feel comfortable moving with, it could take months for him to get a job in the new state and just about any decent adult community would probably want him to have a job for about a year before they rented to us. Then again we’ve gotten other rentals on jobs he’s had for just a few months, but a dumpy old rental in the mainstream of a small town is different than a decent rental in an adult community. They’re pickier.

I’ve known for about 5 years now that we’re not meant to have money. At my age, you have a good sense of what is and isn’t meant to be. Serious money isn’t one of them. So now that I know that just like God saw to it that Tom lost most of his pension, he’ll make sure my mother either drains her funds when her time comes on medical expenses or that my sister gets it all. More than likely, even if there’s no real cash on hand at the time, my sister will sell the condo, store and vehicles and keep the cash for herself. Sorry, but we’re all naturally selfish and I would do the same if I were the one in charge of things. But the point is that now that I know we’re not going to get anything inheritance-wise, that’s all the more reason we need to really watch our asses and not take any foolish risks. My mom’s not always going to be around to bail us out if we get in a jam again and I also don’t want to depend on anyone as a safety net. But who else would care enough to help us? Really, I wonder about this at times. If we were suddenly starving in the streets, whom do we know besides Tammy, Aly and Eileen that would give us a place to stay and food to eat till we got back on our feet again? It’s a scary question and I don’t know that I want to know the answer. On the other hand, I would still probably want to kill myself not just because of how miserable I’d be, but because I don’t like to put people out whether they want to help us or not. So I would off myself for their sake as well as mine. I just hope I’m never ever in that kind of a situation to actually learn who would do what for sure. We were scarily close enough last fall.

It may be foolish, as Andy, who I really REALLY wish would stop making me feel like he’s implying I’m a liar like he sometimes does by contradicting or arguing a fact that I’ll tell him about Tom or myself, said in regards to worrying about when we get old, but I can’t help it. I do worry that we’re gonna get fucked out of our retirement money. I do worry they’ll do away with Medicare. I do worry we’ll get to the point where we have no one to help us with the important things.

sighs There’s being smart and then there’s being miserable and sometimes being smart makes you miserable. Meaning that it would be smart to rent a cheap little apartment and stay there for the rest of our lives. But I would be totally miserable. Living attached to others simply isn’t for me. I wish to hell I could snap my fingers and make myself like the idea of an apartment. I’d move into one in a heartbeat if I could only make myself stand the noise! There we would never have to worry about taking care of the grounds and of course things would be fixed for us when they broke. But I wouldn’t get much sleep either or much peace when I was awake, so what would be the point?

Oh well. I am who I am. I also worry about Tom. I don’t want him to be miserable himself but I don’t want to stick around here longer than necessary or venture too far away too soon. I’d want to have way more money than we could need but that would mean sticking around here longer than necessary and I’m not sure a tropical climate would be right for us. I’m curious about it, yes, and I’d like to try it. I miss the beach and Florida’s beaches are much prettier than New England’s, IMO. But there are hurricane risks and immense humidity, and I’ve also heard that allergies are a real nightmare there. So I don’t know what to do or how much of a choice we’ll even have in the first place.

Later…

So I’ve had life’s usual doubts and worries on my mind. But as Tom pointed out, he could always get another job if things get that bad at his current job and it’s looking like that’s what he’ll end up doing because it’s looking more and more like they lied to him about being hired on. I think the poor guy’s destined to be forever a temp! When they told him he got the job he applied for we thought they’d make it official within a week or two, but here he is, still a temp, WTF??? sighs I’m just sick of losing and being lied to. This job looked so promising in so many ways. BUT…it is good pay, it’s better than nothing, and our savings is climbing fast. We should have way more than we need to move with. We were checking out rentals on Craigslist and he saw an ad for what seemed like a really good job, but he needs to update his résumé first. He said he’ll do that this weekend.

We saw an ad for a 1000-sq-ft, 2-bedroom, 2-bath house in a gated adult community with pools, tennis courts and other amenities for $950. That’s only $125 more than this tiny trailer that includes nothing but a noisy, pest of a landlord. The only thing I’ll miss here is not having anyone able to drive by or live so damn close to us. Tom thinks that an adult community may have as many loud car stereos as the mainstream because those entering these places these days were more from the time when they first hit the scene (I always did say each generation gets louder and less considerate), and therefore the rules there as far as noise goes may differ from the type of retirement community my mom’s in.

I see his point, but I sure hope not! Wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose of having an adult community in the first place? I guess to some people the idea is just to live with people their own age and not to seek out a quieter place. But even if there were just as many car stereos, I still find it awfully hard to believe they’d be allowed to leave their dogs outside round the clock like used old furniture. I would think they’d need to be brought indoors as household pets only. But we do live in an area where most people think it’s wrong to bring dogs indoors, so we’ll see. Worst case scenario I can at least have peace of mind in knowing that the Brady Bunch isn’t going to move in next to us, and neither will half a dozen college kids.

1000 square feet would be about as low as I’d like to go space-wise, and would actually be pretty ideal for us. It would give us enough space but not be too much to heat and cool.

We were reminiscing and laughing our asses off at some of the fun and funny experiences we’ve had in the various states we’ve lived in. It was a perfect reminder that life wasn’t all bad for us and I’m sure we’ll have more fun times in the future. I’m trying to get in the habit of thinking good thoughts after I worry about something negative. Every time I think of something that’s bad or an annoyance in our life or that we’re lacking, I try to think of things that make me laugh and smile.

Ask was loads of fun today, though I can’t figure out for the life of me who asked me some of the anonymous questions I was asked today. Every time I thought I had it figured out, I was back to guessing and wondering. I love these games, LOL. They’re fun and interesting and I love a good mystery, but I’m also curious. There are so many people it could be – Nane, Maliheh and any number of my Facebook friends. They’re the only ones that know about my account there.

The question about the ukulele made me think of Maliheh. The “What is up pretty lady?” made me think of Nane, but that would also be something that might come from Paul or Adonis. The questions about whether I like beer and ever tried yoga could be anyone. They last said they were hurt I hadn’t guessed who they were but never identified themselves. Other “suspects” include Alison, Lori, Cindy, Becky and Dorene. I tried to study writing styles, but they could change that to throw me off their scent. I asked Lori if it were her and she said she’d never heard of the site before. Oh well. Maybe I’ll find out tomorrow.

As for Medicare, Tom explained to me why there’s no need to worry about it running out (some new article he read) when we’re old enough for it, but I forgot what he said, LOL. Fewer people are having kids and the change in the population density is a big part of what’s messed it up. But it recently took in something like 9 billion more dollars than it put out, so that’s good.

At around 5pm this afternoon, just when I was thinking how utterly amazing it was that I hadn’t heard Jesse or his mutts in two days, he came buzzing down on the ATV. But not to bug us with anything; he just wanted to get something from his shit pile. It was so nice for a while there not hearing him. I hadn’t heard one single sound. Obviously, he and his mutts haven’t been around. If he were around I’d hear him. If he weren’t around but the dogs were, I’d hear them. But oh what peace of mind comes with knowing we shouldn’t be here much longer! I giggled to myself thinking how bummed out he’d be if he knew we were looking at rentals that very moment.

It rained on and off today, though it was nothing serious. Still, it was like waking up to a whole different season at 11am today. Where it had been warm and sunny, it was cool and cloudy. It’s supposed to be even cooler tomorrow, and after not needing any heat for days, we’re certainly going to need it tonight. Then the heat will return. :)

Been up for hours yet still haven’t gotten an entry in yet. That’s because I was working out and then got into a discussion with Nane via email and then Andy and I goofed off at our newest playground.

Andy and I mostly use Ask to keep in touch and share graphics. We change background pictures constantly. We have a lot of private jokes and shit that most people wouldn’t get, LOL. I’m going to try talking Nane into joining. We’d both love it if she did and Andy promised to let her get used to him slowly even if she’s already used to my crazy weirdness. She already asked me a question and says she’ll check into it, so I’d say her interest is piqued at least a little. :)

We’re getting a little concerned about Tom’s job. Not that they’re going to lay him off or anything like that, but because they’ve been stringing him along about being hired on, and ever since they moved him to a different department, the job’s been a nightmare.

When they told him he got the job he applied for, we assumed he would be officially hired within a week or two of being notified. But here he is, still technically a temp, and being told by the supervisor that he’s “pushing” to get him hired on, WTF???

To make matters worse, there’s some kid in the department he’s in now that only shows up when he feels like it and so Tom has to do all his heavy lifting and is getting yelled at for this other cock’s work not being done at certain times. Finally, he went to the supervisor about it who “said” he’d do something about it, but we’ll see.

As I told Tom, the last thing I want is for him to be miserable in any way, so if we have to stay here a little longer to save up even more to move out of this damn state, we will. The easiest thing would be to hope things get better for him and they put their actions where their mouths are and hire him on, then move this summer closer to where he works. We’re never going to get a 401K going if all he can be for the rest of his life is a temp.

But where would we go if we left this state? Well, I don’t think I’d ever want to live in any kind of a desert ever again and have to deal with the incredibly dry skin and lips that go with years of living in such acrid conditions, though it’d be better than this place, I suppose. I still like the idea of going tropical, though neither of us would care for the humidity, Florida’s job market may be just as bad, and I will NOT move with just a few grand or less after the disaster we went through moving to Oregon and then here.

Anyway, Nane told me a secret that I promised never to reveal. I’m big on keeping promises too, so no matter how much she may piss me off in the future, my lips are sealed. She said that when she knew Irene in NY, she was never skinny but had a positive vibrancy about her and they were good friends. But now she looks like a beached whale. She made me promise not to tell her that because she doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. She said she doesn’t usually like to talk about others behind their backs but this was an exception. Anyway, she went down to Salzburg a few years ago to visit her. Irene picked her up at the train station looking a little dumpy, but she didn’t mind. Then they went back to her apartment and talked and then her BF came over, whom she thought was a real nerd. Then they decided to go out that night and Nane was shocked that Irene was willing to go out in the same spotted sweatshirt she’d worn all day. So they go to a few bars which they had to leave cuz the BF complained it was too smoky. Finally, they find an Irish pub they all liked and the BF announces that they’ll leave at 10:30. So not only was Nane a bit bummed out she couldn’t spend at least the first night alone with Irene catching up on old times but that they had to pack it in so early on a Saturday night.

She said Christiane is a very outgoing person with lots of charisma, and although she’s a few years older, she gets hit on all the time. They used to visit each other every few months but since they both got BFs, not as much. She says Leipzig is a “great place to party” unlike Munich, which is snobby. She said she only moved to Munich because her family had moved down there while she was in NY. I guess she’s originally from Frankfurt. It’s funny hearing one in their 50s talk of partying. There’s nothing wrong with it, but when I think of partygoers, I think of those in their 20s and 30s. Again, she would make such a horrible GF, LOL.

I won a bottle of nail polish on Facebook, but am not at all impressed with the color of it which reminds me of kidney beans. I’ll leave it here for Jesse. :)

I see Thoughts is still running in slow motion. After a week of this shit, I guess it’s safe to assume it isn’t going to end anytime soon. It’s a shame some sites just can’t get their shit together while most other sites seem to have no problem keeping things running smoothly. Oh well. If I get that fed up with moving like a snail I can always stick to just MyOpera.

I was laughing when I saw that we were nearly 50° warmer than Nane at 6pm our time yesterday. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Nane yet today, though not too surprised. She’s usually on more at night from home than in the daytime from work.

What does surprise me was that last weekend was the third weekend in a row that the dogs didn’t go ballistic for 8-10 hours at night. Jesse either stayed in or had someone there keeping them quiet.

Like I do every single weekend, I ate back on the weight I lost during the week. Obviously, my weight and appearance can’t matter that much to me since I keep doing this over and over, LOL. I think most of us become less picky about appearance with age.

Had a nice chat on FB with Adonis. He really is a cool guy.

Later…

I’m giving Thoughts exactly one week to get back up to full speed. If it’s not there come next Monday, I’ll just return to MyOpera. I’m actually updating that blog again; only it’s ‘friends only’ and I’m heading all the entries with cat pics for Maliheh who likes cats.

Working out has given me stamina but not energy lately. Meaning, I have the stamina to walk long distances if I suddenly had to but am lacking in energy on an overall basis. Maybe that’s because my weight’s up a bit. IDK, I just have one of those bodies that no matter how much you diet and exercise it, it never loses more than a few pounds. It gets strong and fit, but never thin. It annoys me, though, when I feel sluggish for seemingly no reason at all. I suppose caffeine would help, but too much caffeine makes my boobs sore, especially when I’m close to my period, and it also makes it harder for me to fall asleep. I usually have a hard enough time as it is in that department.

I also seem to be bored more often despite the fact that there’s plenty to do and I still keep busy. I did some paid surveys earlier but am caught up on the house cleaning and laundry for now. Wish I could motivate myself to work on my book a little more, but I’ve been lacking ambition in that area for a few months now. I think Renting Ginny was it for me but since no one wants to pay for their reading material these days (including me) I don’t currently have any plans to publish it. Now the only question is whether or not to pull my other two books off the market or just let them sit there.

As they say, we can waste our time looking for what isn’t meant to be or we can focus our energies on what is meant to be. If that’s taking care of the place, getting paid to do surveys, and enjoying a few hobbies, then I can’t complain too much. I suppose a lot of people would gladly swap shoes with me even if I’m not “allowed” to generate much money. But am I still allowed to win it? We’ll find out once we move!

The dogs were making up for lost barking time. The Jes pest left at around 11:00 and I thought that given the time of day and year, they’d shut up shortly after he left, but they didn’t. I know one thing for sure and that’s that the more I learn about Jesse, the more I dislike the guy. His almost losing the place goes beyond being rude and inconsiderate to us by allowing his dogs to carry on while he’s out and not calling before coming down. He literally and foolishly risked his well-being AND ours when he was behind when all he had to do was sell the damn Harley. That would’ve solved his problems right there, but no, the little boy just couldn’t part with his toy. And because of it, we could’ve been forced to end it the same as we almost had to on account of our lovely government. Only I’d have gone out less than peacefully if I knew for sure that he could’ve prevented it.

I’m just as sick of this place as I am of him. The lack of space, outlets, oldness, ugliness, etc. But can we really rent something newer and nicer? Or is that just a dream? The ads we saw suggest it isn’t, but if there are any hidden catches we probably won’t know about it till we actually start looking and that probably won’t be till late June to early July.

Sometimes I wonder why I have such conflicting emotions about myself and my life. Am I just some kind of nut or something, LOL, or does everyone have such back-and-forth views of themselves and their lives? I know I’m looking good for a woman my age yet I feel so fat and ugly at the same time. I know I’m not dumb yet I feel dumb at times. I feel both blessed and cursed. I am fit and healthy yet disfigured (my left ear) and not at all “normal” on account of my sleep disorder. I have ideas yet lack ambition. I have many things, both material and not, yet feel empty and like I’m lacking something I can’t even figure out.

I may not be rich and I may not live in the perfect place, but I have almost everything a person could ask for in life. I have someone that loves me unconditionally. I have good friends. I have good health. I have food to eat. I have a roof over my head. I am not blind, paralyzed, or anything like that despite the conditions and shortcomings I do have. I have things I enjoy doing. I am able to learn just about anything given the proper tools and desire. Yet sometimes I still feel like I’m missing out on something in life, and I don’t know if it’s just one thing or multiple things. If I knew what the hell it was in the first place, then perhaps I could count them. I still feel “different” and even “abnormal” in some ways that go beyond special, unique or eccentric.

Andy suggested I meet friends in my area. Great idea, but not that easy. I suppose it’s different for different people but I was never one that could just “make” certain things happen just because I may want them to. They either happen when they’re meant to happen if they’re meant to happen, or they don’t happen at all. I couldn’t make love come any sooner than it did. I didn’t make myself fall for Teddy Bear and Nane. I don’t make myself attracted to or not attracted to various kinds of looks, music, tastes and colors. And just like I could never control when and if love, lust and whatever would happen, I can’t just wake up one day and decide to make a damn good friend here in town. When I meet people (mostly online these days), they are where they happen to be and so far they haven’t come any closer than Nebraska. Most are between 3000-6000 miles.

I will admit I liked the idea of having foreign friends with me being into different languages and all that. Nane and I never would’ve met had I not been a member of Live Mocha. I will also admit that for years I was glad that none of my friends were local because I prefer to keep in touch with people online and didn’t want people coming to our door whenever they happen to feel like it. We get enough of that shit from our landlord. If it were an emergency, that’d be one thing, but I simply haven’t had any desire to meet people in person. The idea doesn’t scare me; it just doesn’t interest me. Because I don’t have an outside job, I only interact with people when I’m out doing errands or eating out somewhere anyway.

I’ve never in my life been a people person in general, and I’ve never liked the idea of potential trouble so close to home even though I know I could just not have anything to do with someone I may end up disliking. But sometimes I do think it would be nice to have a close friend nearby. One who wasn’t crazy or a pest of any kind and who only called when they wanted something. As a bonus, it would be a woman I was attracted to. But this is something that’s in fate’s hands. Intentionally trying to seek out a local friend won’t get me anywhere any more than trying to find love or just sex like I used to in the 90s got me anywhere. Hell, I can’t even find objects around here when I actually try to find them, LOL. I only come across them by accident when I’m looking for something else I can’t find. So there’s no way I’m going to actively try to seek out this lady friend who, even if she’s an ugly dog, isn’t crazy or pesky in any real way. Should we happen to accidentally meet like most of my other friends, fine. And in an adult community, we might do just that. You never know.

On the other hand, maybe it’s not that I’m missing anything at all. Maybe I just need to readjust and redefine some of what I’ve already got. I don’t know for sure. I have a lot of unanswered questions. Like why the hell a 120-calorie yogurt with a cup of coffee puts a pound on me? Seriously, I could literally maintain my weight on just coffee alone!

OMG, it’s already after 5pm! Where did all the time go? Tom should be home any sec now.

Later…

Andy left Thoughts due to the glitches. I don’t know if it’s caused by BOTS or incompetent Thought staff site workers. I just know it’s annoying as hell. But I put up with it because I like the site despite its sluggishness, met some nice people, and have already given the new link out to others. I’d hate to have to redirect them yet again, though more than likely I’d just bounce back to my old MyOpera blog and set that to public. MyOpera has the same security levels per post as Thoughts so I could still write about private things and keep them private if I wanted to.

I don’t think Thoughts really appealed all that much to Andy in the first place. That’s why he not only joined Ask but so did I. I had an account there way back when but then I deactivated it. I like it better than Formspring except for one small thing and that’s that it won’t let me use animated pictures for backgrounds.

I gave the link to Maliheh, Nane, Christiane, Adonis, and also posted it on my Facebook wall.

Well, this is gonna be sort of a nothing entry because there’s nothing really new to update on.

Let’s see…it almost hit 90° here yesterday. It will be in the 80s today, 70s the next two days, then the 60s and then the 50s as the rains make it back in to silence Jesse. Like I said, if it weren’t for propane costs I’d be fine with it raining every day that we’re still here. It’s the only thing that keeps him away and quiet. I’m still going to have to listen to that insanely loud truck soon enough, though, no matter what the weather.

Andy and I were wondering how he came up with the money to catch up on payments, and Tom reminded me that he was trying to get on disability due to his bad back. It’s a shame he can’t weed on account of his back but can still build engines and do other loud shit. But more than likely, he received a decent-sized check with back payments going back to when he applied. Still, it was a helluva stupid risk to take by not simply getting rid of the Harley. He risked his own well-being and ours unnecessarily cuz he just couldn’t part with his precious toy. Or any of his other vehicles.

Thoughts is finally running snappier and I hope it stays that way! It was so frustrating when it was running like a snail for the last several days. Reminded me of the old dial-up connection we had about 13 years ago.

I was pleasantly surprised with a message from Nane, letting me know she’s got the Internet hooked up again. She doesn’t usually contact me on weekends unless it’s Sunday night her time and Jim has left because he had the early shift the next day. She said they were on their way to see a movie and would probably talk to me tomorrow. Well, I’ll be asleep while she’s at work, but should catch her at home.

Nane didn’t shut down her LiveMocha account after all. She just had me blocked for a while after I pulled the “Turkish prank.”

I awoke from a nightmare at 3am last night. I was propped up in bed reading in what looked like a real house. It seemed nice enough, spacious enough, and like it may’ve been some sort of a ranch-style house. The bedroom I was reading in was in back of the house. I heard a door click shut somewhere within the house and called out to Tom. But Tom didn’t answer. So I got up and walked down a hallway and into the living room. The front door was to my right and the kitchen and other rooms were to my left. I heard and saw no one. Then I looked at the clock which said 2:30. Realizing that whoever was in the house couldn’t be Tom since he wouldn’t be off work that early, I woke up as I was debating whether or not to go in search of whoever was in the house or run outside since I had no way of knowing if they had a gun or anything like that.

It’s a beautiful sunny, warm day out there today. Other than hearing Jesse leave on the motorcycle once, it’s been very quiet. He was saying how much he too, hates the city and couldn’t stand it. Then he goes on to say how quiet it is here and all that, and I’m thinking to myself, well, of course it’s quiet to you. You’re the one making 99.9% of the racket around here, you can’t hear your own mutts bark when you’re gone, so of course it’s quite as far as you’re concerned.

Yesterday was a long, frustrating day, but things could be worse than having to be annoyed and inconvenienced. Tom was annoyed and inconvenienced by coworkers telling him to do things a certain way that was wrong, then turning around and asking why did he it wrong. Because they told him to – duh!

I was annoyed and inconvenienced by pesky Jesse who came down 4 times yesterday. The last time was at 4pm to see if the cooler was leaking. It hasn’t leaked since he adjusted things, but I’m not looking forward to next Tuesday. That’s when he’ll be waking me up when he comes down to spray weed killer at 9am. I may be up then, but I don’t think I will be. He said Monday he’s got to help a buddy so he won’t be able to do it then. It’s supposed to rain at the end of the week, so maybe he’ll put it off. He already did some spraying, but maybe the rain doesn’t affect that stuff.

Andy and I were both wondering what he did to catch up on his payments. What I wonder is why he didn’t just sell the damn Harley. He said something about taking out loans.

The only funny thing he said was that Maryann wrecked his truck. I wonder why he loaned it to her in the first place. I know she’s had a truck of her own, plus a car. Either way, it seems no one in that family can drive. First Jesse trashed his nicer, newer truck, and then she trashes his old dumpy truck. The motor he built for it was why I was hearing all that engine gunning that was so damn loud and obnoxiously annoying. He said the engine is in the shop being painted right now which explains why all I’ve heard lately is the ATV and motorcycle. Not sure why you’d want to paint an engine that’s just going to go inside a vehicle or how he got the money to build and paint it if he’s had it so rough financially, but I’ll just enjoy the peace until it’s back here and he’s coming and going 3-6 times a day in the damn thing.

Lately, I’ve been doing everything in calories instead of types of foods and time. Instead of concentrating on eating certain foods, though I do eat healthy most of the time, I just try to stick to 1300 calories a day. And instead of saying I’ll work out for a half-hour or an hour, I just try to burn 300 calories a day. It’s still a bit soon to say if it’s going to cause a significant drop in my weight over time, but one thing I do know for sure is that I could never gain this way!

Today I’m taking a break from both work and exercise. Other than just a few loads of laundry, I’m going to relax and pig out. Tom’s working half a day today so he’ll be bringing KFC on the way back.

Tom also had a bad experience with the fish oil. He doesn’t have a uterus, so obviously he couldn’t have early and fierce periods like I did, but it made his gums bleed. So the stuff was a definite waste of money and we trashed what was left.

Later on, he’s going to go up and check for any more hives in the cooler and really spray the hell out of it. Another yellow jacket made it in here yesterday that I almost stepped on. Usually, they’re in the windows, but not this one. I might also get one of those bright yellow jacket catchers you trap them in. We had one when we were in the woods of Oregon and they work well. Yellowjackets never climb downward for some reason so that’s why they’re easy to trap. They climb through the holes in the bottom of the tube.

So, so glad my best bud Andy joined Thoughts! It may be a little weird for him at first and take him a while to get used to, but I think he’ll agree it’s better than Formspring. He left there due to a virus on the site. I left there months ago due to tons of glitches, too much change and just not finding it much fun anymore. Then when I went to reactivate my old account it wouldn’t let me. I was going to create a new one through Facebook, but I think I’ll pass.

Thoughts is glitchy too at times and has been frustratingly slow for a few days now, but you can do so much more here than on Formspring.

Later…

Seriously starting to wonder if Jesse’s going to drive me insane-asylum-crazy before we can move with all his damn repairs, racket and whatnot. I’m so sick of nothing but old places! He’s already been down 3 times today. Even though I was wide awake, it’s usually not much fun having to deal with pesky landlords and things that need to be fixed. But that’s just the thing. There is sooo much that needs to be done around here. I’m starting to worry he’s going to be down here almost every single day that we’re still here.

A part of me is glad he came down today because he found another hive in the cooler that he apparently missed. There have definitely been a lot of bees hanging around here lately.

First he comes down, checks the cooler and decides we need a new float cuz of the water overflowing and dripping. He’s afraid it will dry up his precious well. He sprayed the other hive and said he’d be back later or tomorrow because he was tired after spraying 15 gallons of Round-Up on various parts of the land. So was I. I had worked out for an hour, scrubbed the bathroom, and done a few loads of laundry. By then I just wanted to get off my feet and relax. I’m thinking of maybe doing my workouts closer to the end of my day rather than the beginning as they’re more tiring than I realize.

No sooner had I sat down did the bastard come back wanting to know why the cooler rattles. So I had to stand there playing the on/off game for him while he investigated. I told him the rattle didn’t bother us because it’s not that loud but he’s decided it needs new bushings, whatever the fuck that means.

So off he goes again and once again I go to relax. Sure enough, back down he buzzes as soon as my ass hits the chair. There’s a white pipe that was hooked to the ditch. Well, he said it wasn’t good anymore but could use the pipe for other things, so he tied one end of a rope to the pipe and the other to the hitch on the ATV and drove it up and away. The back of it got hung up on a branch, but I freed and straightened it out for him.

Coolers, weeds, floors, painting, valves, roofs - aaarrrggghhh! I am going to be seeing so much of this pest while we’re still here. :( The days of him being heard but not seen are over. God, I hope we really do get out of here this summer! And I hope that if it isn’t any quieter wherever we go it’s bigger and newer. I am just so sick of old places and all their problems. Okay, so the electrical has been good to us. The roof hasn’t leaked. The stove and refrigerator have held up nicely. But just about everything else in this place has had a problem. The heater, the cooler, faucets, pipes, pressure tanks, and soon the roof will become a problem if he doesn’t deal with it this year like he said he’s going to. He also needs to throw some plywood underneath the floor of the kitchen where the insulation has fallen out. Ugh, it never ends! I’m glad we don’t have to pay for all these damn repairs or take the time to fix them ourselves, but we still have to deal with it to a degree, and I just miss being in newer places anyway. They’re nicer looking, IMO, and I can’t wait to have more space and an extra bathroom again! Just having a place to hook up a full-size washer and dryer that’s always ready and available will be quite a luxury after living like bums for so damn long.

Another thing he told me when we got into a discussion about how rough things were a while back is that he almost lost this place and was 6 months behind on payments. Thank God I did NOT know that on top of fearing we ourselves wouldn’t make it!!! I wondered about this, but had I known for sure just how close to the edge he was swimming as well, it just may’ve been rather unbearable.

This morning I was in excruciating pain. I jumped on the treadmill and started running at a comfortable 4-MPH pace. That speed is more like jogging than running and so it’s easier on the joints and easier to sustain. Once I’d been going steadily for 15 minutes, I was proud of my efforts and that my joints weren’t sore at all. Next thing I know I’ve got this sensation that feels like slight period cramps. I slowed to a 3-MPH walk, but the cramping worsened. Finally, I had to stop 100 calories short of my daily 300-burn goal. A few minutes later I was in utter agony as a result of not drinking enough water beforehand and the intestines trying to suck up water that wasn’t there. I thought I was over this kind of thing and that I drank enough before I hopped on, but apparently not. The pain seemed to last forever, though it couldn’t have been more than 15-20 minutes. Then it stopped as if by a magic switch.

I read up on the subject since the pain feels like intense period cramps like what I’d get in my teens and 20s, and most suggest it was due to not drinking sufficient fluids before and during the workout. When we sweat the body loses electrolytes, which are essential for proper organ function. Another one in the forum says: Ladies, you are not crazy and regardless of what the doctor says it’s not PMS. You are having uterine contractions. Yes, the same uterine contractions that you have during labor. This is brought on by a combination of electrolyte imbalance and strain/jarring on the uterus and the muscles around it.

This is why I’d only go to a doctor for an emergency, even if I know I should take preventative measures and go for regular check-ups because so many of them are quacks that don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Still, I should have drunk more water beforehand. From now on I’ll really guzzle up good before workouts even if it means having to pause the routine to piss some of it off.

Jesse came down shortly after I called up to him and removed the old pads and belt from the cooler to get it ready for the upcoming heat. He’s going to be back in an hour or so to vacuum out leaves and shit and to load it up with a new belt and pads.

Sure enough, he again mentioned having to do the roof this summer and I silently prayed he’d wait till we got out of here. I let him know it hadn’t been leaking at all.

He mentioned having his nephew do the weeding and explained to him that it wasn’t that Tom had forgotten, but has been working so much OT lately. It’s 50/50 as to whether or not he’ll work this Saturday, though. Something he both wants and doesn’t want to do. We love the money but need to start getting some things done around here in order to get ready to move. As it is we have a whole car full of bags of soda cans to bring to the recycling center. We’ve got so many damn cans that they’ll probably pay the Internet bill! But since Jesse has a bad back and can’t even do his own weeding, he said not to worry about it; we don’t have to do it. So that’s nice to know even if it means the nephew may come when I’m sleeping and wake me up.

Instead of just coming out and asking when and if he was ever going to shut the fuck up, I commented about hearing all kinds of “bumps, bangs, saws and loud vehicles” lately and asked if someone was building something in back. He did acknowledge the saw fanatics up at the summit who’d been working on something (though I haven’t heard them lately), then said he built a new motor for his truck and that would’ve made a lot of racket.

Like I said, this guy’s always got something going on. It’s just one project after another with him. :(

Last night at 3am Tom said a skunk came around and that the place wreaked horribly of it and he was surprised it didn’t wake me up. It probably would have had I slept with the window open, but last night I didn’t. He sucked some of the smell out with the stove fan.

After being outside where it stinks even more, I swear I smell like a skunk now.;( Thank God for incense! I guess Whiskey got sprayed cuz when they chased the ATV down here, the first thing Jesse did was warn me not to touch the dogs, especially Whiskey. I don’t usually mind lavishing them with attention when I see them, but half the time the damn mutts are filthy in some way or another.

Later...

Even though it’s just past the middle of my day I’m pretty beat already. After running and then dealing with that horrible pain on top of everything else I’ve been doing around here, I feel more like it’s the end of my day.

Jesse returned an hour later and put the new belt and pads on the cooler. Not at all surprisingly, a wasp hive was in the corner of it and so he sprayed it and then knocked it down on the ground near where I stood. It sort of felt like wet cardboard with holes punched into it when I stepped on it. With sneakers on, of course. Since the pads are made of aspen I just love the woodsy smell in here after getting new pads. Smells like I’m in the middle of a lumber factory. Sure makes a hell of a dusty mess, though, when you first turn the cooler on. All that dusting I did yesterday and this morning was a waste, particularly the areas in line with the cooler.

He’s going to be back later on to replace a valve, even though he’s primarily a morning person. He spends the afternoons drinking, so he told me. Yeah, but he’s still outside too often and making too much of a racket whenever it’s light out and not in the 90s or raining. He does make most of his ruckus in the mornings, though. He said he gets up at 5am – 6am. sighs I wish I could crash and get up at the same time every day. I’d probably sleep from 11pm – 7am so I could be available during the daytime for anything that may come up.

Other than setting up the thermostat, the damn cooler should be set for the year, but jeez. Valves, weeding, spraying, roofing, and God knows what else he’s going to do around here before we get out of here! This heap of shit needs a paint job like flowers need water. We agreed not to tell him we’ll probably move this summer so that if he has a close friend or family member who suddenly needs the place, we won’t be rushed out of here sooner than necessary. Again, we can’t bump up Tom’s DOB. If it weren’t for that, I’d tell him to hold off the roof if possible. I almost slipped when he asked if we had a vacation planned at any point (so he could do it then) and said, “No, but we’re about 100 days or less from getting the fuck out of here, so why don’t you just wait.”

He said that at night when Whiskey was tied up a skunk came up to him and sprayed him, LOL. Yeah, and the mutt made my clothes smell of skunks too, so I changed as soon as they left.

I hear him coming back in on the Harley right now. Now he’ll go pick up his kid, then I’ll see them soon enough, assuming he really is going to take care of the valve today, though it’s not critical.

Heard from my German hottie, but she still doesn’t have Internet service at home just yet. She had hoped to this week and that the renovating would be done, but she still checks in from work on most days and is still behaving too, LOL. I don’t know for how long, though.

She said a friend came over last night with big-time relationship problems and they ended up getting a little drunk. I could tell by her typing that she wasn’t quite with it. In love with her BF or not, I wonder just what they did last night, LOL, and if they “misbehaved” in any way. Hey, if the chick is bi like Nane (though Nane might not admit she’s bi as obvious as it is) and if they’re attracted to each other, well, they’re only human. I told her I’m not much of a drinker but I might be tempted to get slightly smashed myself if I spent the night with her. :)

Worked out for an hour this morning. Spent 15 minutes doing my arms and abs, then another 45 walking and running. I then showered and ate. Once I replenish my energy with a little relaxation time I’m going to do some dusting and vacuuming. No fun at all. But it’s got to be done.

As expected this week, Jesse spent a few hours yesterday bulldozing the drive. He didn’t come down here, though he’s going to have to come down sometime over the next few days. He’ll probably want to vacuum leaves and shit like that out of the cooler. It also needs a new belt.

Andy reminded me that revenge on Jesse isn’t worth it and how karma comes back to get us and all that, but as I assured him, I have no desire for any “revenge.” I just want to move, that’s all. I’m smart enough to know that pesky worms are better stepped over than stepped on, but a noisy landlord isn’t the only reason we’re moving. We’ve just totally outgrown this place and I’m sick to death of the lack of space and just one bathroom. I hate waking up having to pee to find him in the shower or something. I can’t wait to have more space, closets, counter space, and outlets!

I called Mom but she seemed in a hurry to rush me off, saying these calls were costing me money. I reminded her that I have free long distance but would be happy to let her go if she were busy. I just wanted to see how she was feeling and if she was curious to hear what I learned from the census thing. She said she was doing ok, trying to get some paperwork done, thanked me for calling, and that was it. She’s probably sick of everyone calling so often to check up on her so I won’t call her again till Mother’s Day next month.

If things are going as well as they have been with seemingly no end in sight anytime too soon, then why do I continue to have so many dreams of doom and gloom? Can’t I have fun dreams more often? Strange dreams? Wet dreams? Interesting dreams? Instead, I’m either held captive somewhere against my will (usually in jails or funny farms), stuck in hotels, or having dreams that seem to deal with loss and poverty.

In last night’s dream, we were so poor that we “lost” everything but the bed. People came and took everything else we owned like the people that go out and repossess cars. I know it makes no sense and is a silly dream, but the only good to having such dismal dreams like this is waking up to know it was just a dream. As in most dreams, the place we lived in didn’t look like this place. I tried to hide some things but they found and took them anyway. All that was left was the bed, plus these two twin beds that supposedly came with the place.

I told Tom about it when I got up and he said, “Everything’s fine. In fact, the only thing that’s not good right now is that I’m making so much money that I can’t be around for you.”

LOL, it’s true that he sure is out a lot since he’ll be working 6 days a week for a while. Some lady is out having surgery so that’s part of why. We love the money but it sucks that he has so little free time. As for me, I’m fine on my own. I’ve always preferred to spend most of my time alone anyway. That’s why I dread the idea of when he retires as much as I look forward to it, LOL.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt I was in some sort of strange jail or funny farm. Rows of maybe 3-5 beds that were these skinny little cots stretched down a long, wide corridor. I was at the end of one row by the open part of the corridor. I got up in the middle of the night because I had to pee. The corridor was dimly lit but I could see my way down to where it formed a T just fine. I stumbled toward the top of the T and took a right. As I approached the bathroom that had about half a dozen toilets in it I reached for the light switch. Though the light never came on, I could see 3 or 4 women cleaning the bathroom. Why they were cleaning in the dark, I don’t know. One of them said, “We should be done in about 6 minutes.”

My bladder wasn’t going to wait that long so I headed for the staff’s bathroom at the other end of the top of the T, hoping no one would see me as I slipped into the tiny room with the single toilet.

Later…

I was sitting here doing some self-reflecting and I realized that only a small part of me is the same person I was 25 years ago. I think a lot more of me has changed, though I’d like to think it’s for the better. I have become more open and tolerant to certain things, but there’s also an awful lot of shit I wouldn’t put up with these days like the old me would, particularly when it comes to what types of people I’d hang out with. On or offline, there’s no way I’d associate with losers like Fran and “Nervous” these days. Or bigots. Especially the kind that have the nerve to tell you you’re wrong for being who you are. I don’t care if someone disagrees with anything I say, think or do. Everybody has a right to hate, like and love whatever and whoever. But I have to wonder why I ever put up with so much shit from certain people in the past. Why did I bother with the types of people I wouldn’t even stop to so much as glance at in this day and age?

I was in my early 20s when I was living on Oswego Street in Springfield, MA. I was too nice, too forgiving, and too tolerant in a way that I was severely lacking in self-respect. There are things to tolerate and then there are times to put your foot down and wash your hands clean of certain individuals in the name of self-respect. Take a woman who tolerates abuse, for example. Is she just tolerant? Or does she have no self-respect for herself whatsoever? A lack of respect for one’s self is a trait I typically look down upon. I don’t like to see it in others and I don’t like to see it in myself. Other people have a right to be that way or to change it if they see fit, and no one can make them change but themselves. But I could change that in myself and I did, mostly through getting fed up with certain assholes after dealing with them one too many times. As I said before, we all have our limits.

I’d reached my limits with the likes of Cecelia when I was around 30. A little late, but hey, better later than never. It was back in those early 20s in the projects of Springfield that I met Cecelia. She was deaf. I fancied the idea of having a deaf friend so I could keep up with my sign language. I saw her a few times and we hung out together either at my place or going out for lunch or something like that. She seemed like an ok person. Pretty average, actually. Average looking, average personality… just average.

Then one day Cecelia and I were sitting at my kitchen table sipping coffee and chatting. The conversation eventually shifted to my sexual preference.

“But it’s wrong,” she signed.

I just looked at her dumbly, unsure of what to say and stunned by her sudden rudeness. Then she said she’d be out of my life if I ever touched her or anything.

Although it may be pointless, I could kick myself for smiling politely and assuring her I was not the least bit attracted to her but also that I would never force my way onto someone who wasn’t interested. These days I would have stood up, opened the door, and told her to get the fuck out. No defending myself, no trying to reason with her, just getting her the fuck out of my life would be all I would do.

Who the hell was she to tell me I was wrong anyway? I hate people like that! As soon as someone tells me my way of living, thinking and believing is “wrong,” I’m gone. Just gone! I don’t tell others how to live and I expect the same respect in return. I need to surround myself with people who accept me as I am and that’s what I’ve been doing for many years now whenever possible. As one of my favorite quotes goes: Those that matter, love you as you are. Those that don’t, don’t matter.

It’s so beautiful here this time of year. Everything’s so green. There are no palms, cacti, wisterias, cypress, cherry and other trees I like within view of this place, but it’s the prettiest time of year until the dry heat kicks in and bakes the underbrush wheat brown.

Maliheh checked in again by giving my blog a hit after I sent her the last round of posts. Too bad she won’t be able to do that in a couple of months. I just wish I knew why she hardly wants to talk to me.

I should’ve known better than to open my mouth and tell someone that one of my good friends is the adoptive daughter of a famous puppeteer. Why? Well, they don’t believe it, of course. So what if I have absolutely NO reason whatsoever to lie about all these things I’m supposedly making up or not fessing up to? So what if I have absolutely nothing to gain from lying? Lying doesn’t make me any money, it doesn’t make me immune to illness, and it doesn’t guarantee I’ll never be in a bad accident, so what is it with these people??? Trust issues due to being lied to by others? Well, I’m sorry there are a lot of liars out there, but you know what? I’m getting sicker and sicker of trying to defend and convince others that I tell it like it is and so I give up. From now on I’m just going to let the truth be whatever people want and believe it to be and not what I say. If it gets that bad with certain people I can always ignore them. After all, no one wants to hang on or offline with anyone who doesn’t believe or trust them. When you can’t trust someone you make it hard for them to trust you.

Ok, so I can see where some people who don’t know me well may think I was joking since it’s a celebrity that’s involved and all that, but sometimes I find myself having to reassure people of the dumbest of things, particularly Andy. The most trivial things can be oh so damn hard for some people to simply take my word for like my favorite color, what mood I’m in, what my weather is like. I live here. Shouldn’t I know what my own weather is like? It’s my brain. Shouldn’t I know what it likes and feels?

Sometimes I wonder if people are just hoping to pick fights with whoever they can and that it’s not just about them being insecure or having trust issues. I guess I should just be more selective about who I share what with. I wouldn’t want someone to think I was ready to commit suicide simply because I said I was pissed that I got a paper cut or anything like that!

Later…

Nane just messaged me saying she still has no Internet at home yet but confirmed that she’s been doing OT for a colleague who’s on vacation. “It sucks because I don’t even have time for a lunch break,” she said. But she has time to view my blog? I didn’t tell her that, though, LOL.

Christiane surprised me by commenting on several of my cover photos. I was a bit surprised because she’s usually more “polite” than friendly. At least that’s the way she’s been with me, especially since Nane and I got back together.

Most people want to surround themselves with people that make them happy. We are naturally selfish, though most of us may not want to admit it, and we don’t want to have to be responsible for or take care of others. Some of us will still do so depending on how much we may care about the particular person in need, but even so, most of us tend to avoid those who live in a dark cloud of depression. In doing so we help make them even more of what we want to run from and avoid – depressed, alone and miserable. But when people post suicide notes on their walls and then don’t kill themselves, most of us tend to reach our tolerance limit, as funny as this may sound. I’m not without compassion, and I’m not saying my friend should have killed herself after leaving the kind of note she left, I’m just saying there are other ways to reach out for help and attention without getting so many people worked up. I hope she has learned this by now.

Either way, I know all about problems and how life can be so damn frustrating and depressing. I’m tired of losing, and I’m wondering just how much more we’re going to have to lose before whatever’s up there quits picking on us. Really, how much more??? We have lost so, so much in the last 8-12 years.

Through communicating with Maria’s friends on her scary wall post, a very kind woman named Sherri added me. Ah, but there’s one small catch. This is the third person in less than two weeks to say they’ll buy my books that never did! Man, I’m sick of hearing that shit!

I’m really, really tempted to just unpublish the books and be done with the whole thing. I admit and accept I failed as an author. That’s all I can do. But I did try. It just wasn’t meant to be. Not sure what the hell is meant to be – maybe nothing – but there’s no sense in turning something fun into work if it wasn’t meant to be my job in the first place. Gotta just look on the bright side, I guess, and that’s that now the pressure is off to be as correct as possible when I write since it will be just for fun. Correctness is still more important than quantity, but I don’t have to be as picky anymore if I’m just going to share blogs and stories with friends.

So no one wants to buy my books for real anymore, I lost my dad, we lost our rat, we lost most of our pension and I probably won’t get much if anything at all inheritance-wise, but life is otherwise great. I have a lot to be grateful for and to look forward to despite being raked over a bed of hot coals by life and some of the people in it.

Later…

LOL, both Nane and Christiane viewed my blog earlier, only Christiane wouldn’t admit it. All she would say when I asked if any of the visitors were her (to see what she would say) was that she viewed my photos earlier. If I had known, though, I never would’ve posted the paragraph about being surprised that she commented on my photos. First time she ever visits and she had to see that – damn! It must not have bothered her, though, since she didn’t say anything. I rarely mention her anyway, since I don’t talk to her nearly as much as Nane, Irene and others.

Anyway, it took me a minute to realize Nane was one of the visitors. Once I zoomed in on the geo map I recognized the buildings and street names, so she visited from work and is doing OT since she peeked in at 7pm her time. That explains why I got no messages from her today.

Her view was only 20 minutes after Christiane’s view. I wonder if there’s a connection. Like if Christiane told Nane about it and Nane checked into it out of curiosity. Neither of them went very far. Just to the first page.

Andy’s getting on my nerves again but not just with the wanting to chat online. Once again he’s one step away from calling me a liar about various things I say and just seems argumentative today. If he’s got trust issues with me, why does he want to bother with me? Really, why bother with someone you just can’t believe? But it’s like doesn’t want to believe I’m not miserable. My life isn’t perfect, but right now I’m far from miserable. Annoyed at times by Jesse’s racket (just after 10am he started this God-awful loud hammering that was louder than any hammering I’d ever heard around here before, and coming and going in loud vehicles) but I’m anything but miserable. Maybe I just need to stop sharing with him parts of my journal that bitch about any noise from Jesse so I’m not “miserable” in his mind. And maybe I need to not share the extra snack I may’ve had so that I’m not “obsessed” with my weight. If I were that obsessed I wouldn’t be up to 143 pounds, would I?

The troll peeked in again yesterday, but she’s still keeping her visits short and sweet and hasn’t made any new posts on her new blog since Aly alerted me to it.

I am curious by nature. I like to learn things about people, places and things. Therefore, I ask a lot of questions. People are often annoyed by this curious trait of mine that thirsts for knowledge, but I wonder about things all the time. I don’t just find the more complex things in life interesting, but sometimes even the simplest and trivial of things can be just as fascinating. I was just as wowed to learn Nane’s favorite colors are blue and orange as I am to learn about new discoveries in space and things like that.

It was this curious nature that got me interested in tracking visitors at least until my free trial expires in a couple of months. I’ve noticed that I seem to attract different states and countries to different blogging sites. On Thoughts the #1 visiting country is Australia. A check of my state visitors and the winner is… Louisiana!

I was glad to learn that Andy, after having a miserable 48 hours, is feeling better. As he said, “Better, stronger, faster, bionic.” LOL, love his sense of humor.

Gonna go relax now with some music or reading till we hit the city in a few hours for our weekend shopping.

Later...

I really REALLY hope my friend Maria (a Valleyhead sister) is doing nothing more than just scaring the shit out of people with the suicide note she left on her wall 18 hours ago. I hope it’s nothing but an empty threat borne of frustration and desperation and that we can all let her have it for scaring us once she’s either calmed down or gotten help. Last I knew her friends and daughter were investigating and so were the police. I guess she just moved in with a friend but I don’t see why one of her kids wouldn’t know where she was. Some people have tried to reach her by phone to no avail.

Maria’s always come across as a toughie and a survivor, so I think she’ll be ok. She’s going through the same hell we were going through, and it seems no one wants to give her a job. But hey, she’s white, female, older and covered in tattoos, so why should any employer out there give a damn, right? rolls eyes I know she’s had interviews lined up so hopefully, someone will give her the break she deserves.

Many people are offering to take her in based on the wall posts I’m reading, so it’s not like she would have no one to help her like what would’ve been the case for us had Tom not gotten a job when he did. You find out just who your true friends really are when you’re in need of a place to go, so I’m glad to see people offering to take her in. Eileen had offered to take Tom and me, which was really sweet of her, but the problem would’ve been getting to where she is. So even those who did give a damn that would’ve helped us, well, we were a wee bit out of reach of that help.

Just learned that she’s alive after all. Maybe not well, but alive. So now I’m both pissed and relieved. Damn her for scaring so many people like that! But thank God she’s alive.

What I don’t thank God for is that He let the pension people screw us even more. Totally something He would do, too. :( Don’t forget to screw us out of any inheritance money too, God, and make sure you screw us out of retirement money as well. Although Tom says that can’t happen because by the time they raised the retirement age, he was over 40 and so he was locked in at that point as far as what he’ll get for retirement money, and then there’s the 401K thing that he’ll be getting underway soon enough. But let me guess… God will be sure to think of some way to get the money away from us, right?

As for the retirement pension, unfortunately they were able to gamble with millions of people’s pensions in hopes of making a profit, and there were no laws protecting people like us when they lost. So now we’ve gone from expecting a lump sum of around 20K to $200 a month to $66 a month. Tom says that once we start receiving payments they can’t cut it any lower or take it away completely, but again, I’m sure God will find a way and see to it that we lose this too, even if it’s not much money to be losing in the first place.

On the bright side, the entire day wasn’t filled with scares and disappointments. No, we had some fun mixed in. We went to Walmart really early and did some shopping. I got a couple of those $3 imposter perfume sprays now that they have knock-offs of Angel and Love Spell. Love those scents! When are they gonna come out with White Shoulders? Black Orchid would be nice, too.

Even though I shouldn’t have, I got my usual slew of weekend snacks – cheese crackers, sweets and dried cherries I wanted to try. The cherries are boring and almost seem like they could be raisins, but the cheesecake I got was awesome.

I still believe we’ll spend most of our lives struggling, and again I’m used to it as much as it cuts down our options in life. I just wish we could never again have to worry about the necessities. I still have to wonder, though, why are people like my folks and siblings so much more deserving? What have they got that we don’t? My husband has worked his ass off all his life. Yet thanks to the bastard above who saw fit to curse me with a sleep disorder that prevents me from adding a second income to the household, along with usually seeing to it that Tom doesn’t get the pay and credit he deserves, I don’t know that we’ll ever really be able to afford anything nice in an adult community. And when I say “nice” I mean an average size house that isn’t so damn old and that has a washer, dryer, and dishwasher and is fully loaded with the works. Some of these communities have fitness rooms, pools and things like that which would be really nice to have. Especially the pool. There may be unruly grandkids visiting at times, but it can’t be as bad as a regular neighborhood, could it?

“I made the rent in one week,” Tom reminded me, assuring me we would get a decent enough place, but it’s not like he’s always going to work OT either, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

Another option is getting an old doublewide for a few grand and renting a lot in a 55+ trailer park which may be cheaper. But the park would have to be a dumpy one since they don’t allow dumpy old trailers in nicer parks, and we still don’t want to own. Yes, I’d like a place I had more control over as far as what happened when, but I also don’t want to have to pay to fix everything that breaks either. I’m sick of old dumps anyway. Really, I just want to be in a house that’s younger than I am!

Gonna have to have Jesse prep the cooler and get our little homemade thermostat set up soon since the weather’s going to be in the 70s and we may even hit the 80s by the end of the week. He is going to be sooo fucking noisy all week. In fact, he just took off on the motorcycle and now the dogs are going off. beats head I really hope this dog curse ends here! But wherever the hell we end up, we’ve still got 3-4 months before we get there. But since the other sleep curse didn’t last forever, maybe the dog one won’t either. It’ll just have lasted a hell of a lot longer. From February of 1992 to around the time I moved into the Phoenix house with Tom in September of 1993 and I finally got the bright idea of sleeping with fans and sound machines on or both, my neighbors would not let me sleep in the 5 different places I lived in during that timeframe. Fans and sound machines probably wouldn’t have done me any good anyway since I was attached to these people. Every door they slammed, every cabinet they banged, every step they took, practically shook my entire place. So even when I’d had earplugs jammed in and radios playing, the vibration caused by their racket woke me up almost every day without fail. It was horrible. I was sicker than a dog half the time. But if that curse can end, can’t the noisy neighbor one end, too?

Either way, we’ll never have big bucks and we’ll never live in the perfect house with the perfect neighbors, but we will get out of this little old trailer and away from pesky Jesse.

Love how I can queue entries up to be posted at a certain time. It’s actually 1am PT but I kind of like to post at “normal” hours every now and then, so I’ll have it launch at 9am ET.

Just did part 1 of 2 of today’s workout. I mixed 5-MPH sprints in with 3-MPH walks so I could do some reading. Because I mixed some walking in it took me longer to burn 150 calories (20 min.) and in a little while I’ll repeat the process till I have my daily goal of 300 calories burned.

Not much else to say at the moment. Oddly enough I don’t remember one single dream I had last night. This is probably a good thing in my case.

Later…

Maliheh did me a favor and hit my blog as I asked her to if everything was showing up ok on her end (mainly graphics) if she still didn’t want to chat. That’s really nice of her but what’s keeping her away so long, so often??? Is she playing with me? Could she have more feelings for me than I realize? Could she be uncomfortable with my liking her? Could she simply not be big on chatting? Something else? The only thing I’m pretty sure of where she’s concerned is that she’s not mad at me. If she were she’d say so.

Jesse’s wasting absolutely no time at all in being obnoxious since there’s been a break in the rain. It wasn’t even 9am on Saturday morning yet already he’d come and gone twice. I could even hear him slamming doors to his truck and what may’ve been the sound of him throwing something in back of it. Where the fuck has this jobless cock got to go this early on a cloudy, chilly Saturday morning??? Again, just knowing this one person close to 200’ away can be almost as annoying as a pack of freeloaders within arm’s reach is a little scary. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever have peaceful neighbors no matter where I live and, how many of them there are, and how far away they are.

At least the prick took his dogs with him, based on the fact that they haven’t started barking since he left for the first of what will probably be 6 times today. Unless someone’s there like maybe his son.

Do everyone’s neighbors do this? Do they all come and go so damn often and have company nearly every single day? I can only think of maybe two neighbors I’ve had in the last 20 years that didn’t come and go so much and have frequent company. This would be my only real concern in an adult community. We’d be back to having neighbors just a few yards away, and having car doors slamming so close to the house so often could get pretty damn annoying. But the only way we’ll know for sure what it’s like there is to actually live in one of these communities, preferably not on the edge where we’d be too close to the mainstream which would include barking dogs, screaming kids, loud car stereos and other chaos.

Despite the loss of downtime and other things, Tom’s glad to be working today because that just means more money for moving. I’d rather get out of here sooner as soon as we have enough saved, rather than stay here longer to save up more for the things we’ll want to get for the new place as well. However, we can’t adjust his DOB so even if we’ve got the money right now we can’t just up and go. So we’ll be here at least till July 1st, possibly August 1st, but no later than September 1st. Something definitely went wrong if we’re here into the fall.

I can’t wait to get into the new place, wherever it is, and get saving again and prioritizing lists of things we need/want! I’ve learned that having a savings, even if it’s just a grand or two is more important than how much money you make. If you make $20 an hour but have nothing in savings if your car completely craps out on you, you’re fucked. So the first thing I’ll want to do is boost the savings back up after the move before we start any shopping. Who knows, we may have a helluva head start when the time comes.

One of the first things we’ll want is a full-size washer and dryer. Oh, how I miss the days of just being able to walk up to a washer that’s always hooked up and ready to go! A portable is better than nothing, but I still miss it. And I’ve always preferred clothes dried in dryers as opposed to line-dried. Line-dried makes them too stiff.

We’ll also want to replace one of the computer desks and get a real couch instead of this beat-up futon. I miss having a “normal” setup and a more traditional-looking place. The TV can be mounted on the wall so there’s no need to get any kind of a stand or table for that, though I’ll want to get shelves for collectibles and stuff like that.

I can’t wait to take and share pictures of the new place, and yes, I may even throw in some of myself. I wanted to wait till I made more progress with working out and all that stuff, but I realize I’m never going to be happy with my appearance no matter what, and hey, 80% of us over 45 don’t exactly look all that great anyway.

It’s gonna be a helluva day the day we leave here, considering that it sure looked like we were going to be going out in body bags at one point when things were so bad for us and seemed so hopeless.

I still want to share what I can no longer share. I don’t eat burritos very often but I had one for variety today. I pulled it out of the toaster oven and sat down at the table with it. I picked off part of the crisp wrapping and thought to myself what a nice treat it would make for the rat, only to remember he was no longer here to share these things with me.

I looked out the window at his grave, made wet from all the fierce rain we recently had, and my eyes stung with tears. He should be in here with me and not in the ground. I still wonder if that dream of him crawling all over me was just a dream or if it was his way of visiting from the other side.

I like the ease of not having a pet. I don’t have to shoo them away from shit they shouldn’t be getting into or anything like that. But even more, I miss having a pet. I said I wanted to wait till after the move, though, to make it easier on us, but that only makes the move seem even further away. Especially when our bastard landlord is running and gunning engines for what seems like forever! I know it will need it, but he is going to drive me so crazy with that bulldozer soon enough when he goes to smooth the ruts out of the drive.

He’s also not going to be happy to lose such fine tenants, LOL.