I see Thoughts is still running in slow motion. After a week of this shit, I guess it’s safe to assume it isn’t going to end anytime soon. It’s a shame some sites just can’t get their shit together while most other sites seem to have no problem keeping things running smoothly. Oh well. If I get that fed up with moving like a snail I can always stick to just MyOpera.

I was laughing when I saw that we were nearly 50° warmer than Nane at 6pm our time yesterday. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Nane yet today, though not too surprised. She’s usually on more at night from home than in the daytime from work.

What does surprise me was that last weekend was the third weekend in a row that the dogs didn’t go ballistic for 8-10 hours at night. Jesse either stayed in or had someone there keeping them quiet.

Like I do every single weekend, I ate back on the weight I lost during the week. Obviously, my weight and appearance can’t matter that much to me since I keep doing this over and over, LOL. I think most of us become less picky about appearance with age.

Had a nice chat on FB with Adonis. He really is a cool guy.

Later…

I’m giving Thoughts exactly one week to get back up to full speed. If it’s not there come next Monday, I’ll just return to MyOpera. I’m actually updating that blog again; only it’s ‘friends only’ and I’m heading all the entries with cat pics for Maliheh who likes cats.

Working out has given me stamina but not energy lately. Meaning, I have the stamina to walk long distances if I suddenly had to but am lacking in energy on an overall basis. Maybe that’s because my weight’s up a bit. IDK, I just have one of those bodies that no matter how much you diet and exercise it, it never loses more than a few pounds. It gets strong and fit, but never thin. It annoys me, though, when I feel sluggish for seemingly no reason at all. I suppose caffeine would help, but too much caffeine makes my boobs sore, especially when I’m close to my period, and it also makes it harder for me to fall asleep. I usually have a hard enough time as it is in that department.

I also seem to be bored more often despite the fact that there’s plenty to do and I still keep busy. I did some paid surveys earlier but am caught up on the house cleaning and laundry for now. Wish I could motivate myself to work on my book a little more, but I’ve been lacking ambition in that area for a few months now. I think Renting Ginny was it for me but since no one wants to pay for their reading material these days (including me) I don’t currently have any plans to publish it. Now the only question is whether or not to pull my other two books off the market or just let them sit there.

As they say, we can waste our time looking for what isn’t meant to be or we can focus our energies on what is meant to be. If that’s taking care of the place, getting paid to do surveys, and enjoying a few hobbies, then I can’t complain too much. I suppose a lot of people would gladly swap shoes with me even if I’m not “allowed” to generate much money. But am I still allowed to win it? We’ll find out once we move!

The dogs were making up for lost barking time. The Jes pest left at around 11:00 and I thought that given the time of day and year, they’d shut up shortly after he left, but they didn’t. I know one thing for sure and that’s that the more I learn about Jesse, the more I dislike the guy. His almost losing the place goes beyond being rude and inconsiderate to us by allowing his dogs to carry on while he’s out and not calling before coming down. He literally and foolishly risked his well-being AND ours when he was behind when all he had to do was sell the damn Harley. That would’ve solved his problems right there, but no, the little boy just couldn’t part with his toy. And because of it, we could’ve been forced to end it the same as we almost had to on account of our lovely government. Only I’d have gone out less than peacefully if I knew for sure that he could’ve prevented it.

I’m just as sick of this place as I am of him. The lack of space, outlets, oldness, ugliness, etc. But can we really rent something newer and nicer? Or is that just a dream? The ads we saw suggest it isn’t, but if there are any hidden catches we probably won’t know about it till we actually start looking and that probably won’t be till late June to early July.

Sometimes I wonder why I have such conflicting emotions about myself and my life. Am I just some kind of nut or something, LOL, or does everyone have such back-and-forth views of themselves and their lives? I know I’m looking good for a woman my age yet I feel so fat and ugly at the same time. I know I’m not dumb yet I feel dumb at times. I feel both blessed and cursed. I am fit and healthy yet disfigured (my left ear) and not at all “normal” on account of my sleep disorder. I have ideas yet lack ambition. I have many things, both material and not, yet feel empty and like I’m lacking something I can’t even figure out.

I may not be rich and I may not live in the perfect place, but I have almost everything a person could ask for in life. I have someone that loves me unconditionally. I have good friends. I have good health. I have food to eat. I have a roof over my head. I am not blind, paralyzed, or anything like that despite the conditions and shortcomings I do have. I have things I enjoy doing. I am able to learn just about anything given the proper tools and desire. Yet sometimes I still feel like I’m missing out on something in life, and I don’t know if it’s just one thing or multiple things. If I knew what the hell it was in the first place, then perhaps I could count them. I still feel “different” and even “abnormal” in some ways that go beyond special, unique or eccentric.

Andy suggested I meet friends in my area. Great idea, but not that easy. I suppose it’s different for different people but I was never one that could just “make” certain things happen just because I may want them to. They either happen when they’re meant to happen if they’re meant to happen, or they don’t happen at all. I couldn’t make love come any sooner than it did. I didn’t make myself fall for Teddy Bear and Nane. I don’t make myself attracted to or not attracted to various kinds of looks, music, tastes and colors. And just like I could never control when and if love, lust and whatever would happen, I can’t just wake up one day and decide to make a damn good friend here in town. When I meet people (mostly online these days), they are where they happen to be and so far they haven’t come any closer than Nebraska. Most are between 3000-6000 miles.

I will admit I liked the idea of having foreign friends with me being into different languages and all that. Nane and I never would’ve met had I not been a member of Live Mocha. I will also admit that for years I was glad that none of my friends were local because I prefer to keep in touch with people online and didn’t want people coming to our door whenever they happen to feel like it. We get enough of that shit from our landlord. If it were an emergency, that’d be one thing, but I simply haven’t had any desire to meet people in person. The idea doesn’t scare me; it just doesn’t interest me. Because I don’t have an outside job, I only interact with people when I’m out doing errands or eating out somewhere anyway.

I’ve never in my life been a people person in general, and I’ve never liked the idea of potential trouble so close to home even though I know I could just not have anything to do with someone I may end up disliking. But sometimes I do think it would be nice to have a close friend nearby. One who wasn’t crazy or a pest of any kind and who only called when they wanted something. As a bonus, it would be a woman I was attracted to. But this is something that’s in fate’s hands. Intentionally trying to seek out a local friend won’t get me anywhere any more than trying to find love or just sex like I used to in the 90s got me anywhere. Hell, I can’t even find objects around here when I actually try to find them, LOL. I only come across them by accident when I’m looking for something else I can’t find. So there’s no way I’m going to actively try to seek out this lady friend who, even if she’s an ugly dog, isn’t crazy or pesky in any real way. Should we happen to accidentally meet like most of my other friends, fine. And in an adult community, we might do just that. You never know.

On the other hand, maybe it’s not that I’m missing anything at all. Maybe I just need to readjust and redefine some of what I’ve already got. I don’t know for sure. I have a lot of unanswered questions. Like why the hell a 120-calorie yogurt with a cup of coffee puts a pound on me? Seriously, I could literally maintain my weight on just coffee alone!

OMG, it’s already after 5pm! Where did all the time go? Tom should be home any sec now.

Later…

Andy left Thoughts due to the glitches. I don’t know if it’s caused by BOTS or incompetent Thought staff site workers. I just know it’s annoying as hell. But I put up with it because I like the site despite its sluggishness, met some nice people, and have already given the new link out to others. I’d hate to have to redirect them yet again, though more than likely I’d just bounce back to my old MyOpera blog and set that to public. MyOpera has the same security levels per post as Thoughts so I could still write about private things and keep them private if I wanted to.

I don’t think Thoughts really appealed all that much to Andy in the first place. That’s why he not only joined Ask but so did I. I had an account there way back when but then I deactivated it. I like it better than Formspring except for one small thing and that’s that it won’t let me use animated pictures for backgrounds.

I gave the link to Maliheh, Nane, Christiane, Adonis, and also posted it on my Facebook wall.