Christiane surprised me by commenting on several of my cover photos. I was a bit surprised because she’s usually more “polite” than friendly. At least that’s the way she’s been with me, especially since Nane and I got back together.

Most people want to surround themselves with people that make them happy. We are naturally selfish, though most of us may not want to admit it, and we don’t want to have to be responsible for or take care of others. Some of us will still do so depending on how much we may care about the particular person in need, but even so, most of us tend to avoid those who live in a dark cloud of depression. In doing so we help make them even more of what we want to run from and avoid – depressed, alone and miserable. But when people post suicide notes on their walls and then don’t kill themselves, most of us tend to reach our tolerance limit, as funny as this may sound. I’m not without compassion, and I’m not saying my friend should have killed herself after leaving the kind of note she left, I’m just saying there are other ways to reach out for help and attention without getting so many people worked up. I hope she has learned this by now.

Either way, I know all about problems and how life can be so damn frustrating and depressing. I’m tired of losing, and I’m wondering just how much more we’re going to have to lose before whatever’s up there quits picking on us. Really, how much more??? We have lost so, so much in the last 8-12 years.

Through communicating with Maria’s friends on her scary wall post, a very kind woman named Sherri added me. Ah, but there’s one small catch. This is the third person in less than two weeks to say they’ll buy my books that never did! Man, I’m sick of hearing that shit!

I’m really, really tempted to just unpublish the books and be done with the whole thing. I admit and accept I failed as an author. That’s all I can do. But I did try. It just wasn’t meant to be. Not sure what the hell is meant to be – maybe nothing – but there’s no sense in turning something fun into work if it wasn’t meant to be my job in the first place. Gotta just look on the bright side, I guess, and that’s that now the pressure is off to be as correct as possible when I write since it will be just for fun. Correctness is still more important than quantity, but I don’t have to be as picky anymore if I’m just going to share blogs and stories with friends.

So no one wants to buy my books for real anymore, I lost my dad, we lost our rat, we lost most of our pension and I probably won’t get much if anything at all inheritance-wise, but life is otherwise great. I have a lot to be grateful for and to look forward to despite being raked over a bed of hot coals by life and some of the people in it.

Later…

LOL, both Nane and Christiane viewed my blog earlier, only Christiane wouldn’t admit it. All she would say when I asked if any of the visitors were her (to see what she would say) was that she viewed my photos earlier. If I had known, though, I never would’ve posted the paragraph about being surprised that she commented on my photos. First time she ever visits and she had to see that – damn! It must not have bothered her, though, since she didn’t say anything. I rarely mention her anyway, since I don’t talk to her nearly as much as Nane, Irene and others.

Anyway, it took me a minute to realize Nane was one of the visitors. Once I zoomed in on the geo map I recognized the buildings and street names, so she visited from work and is doing OT since she peeked in at 7pm her time. That explains why I got no messages from her today.

Her view was only 20 minutes after Christiane’s view. I wonder if there’s a connection. Like if Christiane told Nane about it and Nane checked into it out of curiosity. Neither of them went very far. Just to the first page.

Andy’s getting on my nerves again but not just with the wanting to chat online. Once again he’s one step away from calling me a liar about various things I say and just seems argumentative today. If he’s got trust issues with me, why does he want to bother with me? Really, why bother with someone you just can’t believe? But it’s like doesn’t want to believe I’m not miserable. My life isn’t perfect, but right now I’m far from miserable. Annoyed at times by Jesse’s racket (just after 10am he started this God-awful loud hammering that was louder than any hammering I’d ever heard around here before, and coming and going in loud vehicles) but I’m anything but miserable. Maybe I just need to stop sharing with him parts of my journal that bitch about any noise from Jesse so I’m not “miserable” in his mind. And maybe I need to not share the extra snack I may’ve had so that I’m not “obsessed” with my weight. If I were that obsessed I wouldn’t be up to 143 pounds, would I?