I was so glad to hear from my Ohio buddy today. :) I was getting a little curious and even concerned as to what was up with her. But when oh when will I hear from my southeastern buddy???

Anyway, I don’t know what the hell’s going on with Maliheh, but Christine has been both sad and busy. Sad over losing her cat, but busy with life and getting a promotion. She’s almost at 60K a year! Damn, I can’t imagine Tom ever making even 40K, especially if I’m right about something being determined to hold us back financially. Even when we’re doing “well” there’s still not enough money for the things we’d like to have and do. We’d like to pay the fucking IRS off. We’d like to be able to get things we need/want at the new place as soon as we get moved. But it will probably take years to do all this. Better later than never, though.

I had to laugh at how Christine said that they’re 5 people crammed into a 1-bedroom apartment like Chinese immigrants. And I feel like I’m living like an 18-year-old! Then again, even most 18-year-olds and college kids live better than we do.

The weather’s been what it usually is – warm days, cold nights. I wish it would be more stable (preferably on the warm side) because it’s better for sleeping. Depending on my schedule, I hate going to sleep bundled up against the cold only to wake up sweating my ass off later on, but I know the bulk of it is cuz we live in a trailer with shit for insulation. The place cools down and heats up very easily.

Wow! I’ve already been up 3 hours yet I only had to hear from the Jes pest twice so far today. Even in the bathroom with the door shut and the shower spray pounding on my head I could hear that damn truck of his over 100’ away. He stopped driving the damn thing for a while. What made him decide to go back to it? Did he think he was being too quiet for me? Anyway, I’m sure I’ll hear him 4-6 more times before it gets dark. Plus, tonight, tomorrow night or both, I’ll be hit with 6-8 hours of barking. At least that’s easier to drown out than his thunderous trucks and motorcycles. I could feel the vibration of it under my ass as I sat on the floor with music blaring through headphones the other day.

Anyway, life’s pretty much a waiting game for us right now – hoping things continue to go well and hoping to move soon enough. Even if things could go well forever, I still don’t think I could ever forgive God, or whatever’s up there that had a hand in the catastrophes I’ve had to go through in life with or without my husband, because they were simply too huge and too numerous. Some bad things are to be expected in life and if there’s any good in them it makes us appreciate the good times even more. But when things get so damn extreme we often have nightmares to go with that gratitude. “Aw, come on,” some people may tell me, “forgive God. It’s over.”

But it’s not over. I’m the one who has to live with the nightmares and the horrible memories for the rest of my life, and I don’t mean just any childhood hell I went through. Last fall I felt like I was literally being dangled by an ankle from a steep cliff or a tall building by some sick fuck that said, “Maybe I’ll drop you and maybe I won’t.” Then after days of terrorizing me, he may not have decided to drop me, but he sure did turn me into one scarred-for-life angry bitch. So even if I could forgive, I could never forget. There are a lot of things I could forgive and forget but my childhood trauma, being legally railroaded, then pushed to the edge like we were last fall isn’t a good example of what’s easy for me to forgive and forget. BUT… you do learn to move on and cope with time after speaking your mind about these things and getting them off your chest. I’ve said my piece. I’ve moved on. But I will never forget. The fact that something up there toyed with our lives and our very survival last fall and that in itself is pretty damn scary. You fear that if it can happen once it can happen again, and that it opens the door for an endless supply of horrifying possibilities.

It really annoys the fuck outa me when people say they’ll buy my books but never do. I’ve totally given up as far as that goes. Totally.

But even more annoying is that I had more dreams that seemed a bit too jailish and courtish. It seemed to revolve around that anyway, and even though the black bitch’s name was never mentioned or anything pertaining to “the case,” my dream self seemed to automatically know she was involved. Who else would be? Who else have I gone to court for since the early 90s? The last one was for Andrea and Stacey and they didn’t win.

Anyway, in the dream, I was leaving what I guess was the police station after being fingerprinted. I glanced back at a blow-up shot they were studying on a monitor of these strange red lines in my eyes. I started to ask what the lines were when one of the pigs asked something like why they hadn’t seen me before, and was I just new there or what?

Then I was reading what was either a discovery report or what the DA planned to say about me in court. “And then Shadow Gardens was later discovered” was one line that made me think they had been keeping an eye on me all along after all, even though I have no such journal entry or book called Shadow Gardens or Shadow of Gardens or whatever the hell it was.

I just wish I could stop having these dreams! I hope they mean nothing more than to say that sadly, the pigs are still wasting time and resources looking at what I’m up to as opposed to going after murderers, rapists and true criminals who actually do things to harm others.

Later…

I totally skipped out on both dieting and exercising today and enjoyed a burger and fries from Carl’s Jr. So about 1000 calories in just one sitting!

Wild turkeys and deer have been roaming around the land. Of course the bees are continuing to break in too, so tomorrow Tom’s going to spray. The rains have since washed away any leftover residue from the last time he sprayed.

I hope Jesse doesn’t go out tonight. There’s a new movie I’d really like to see and I would rather watch it without all the barking in the background. If not I guess I’ll have to wait till tomorrow or Sunday. sighs But someday I’ll get to live where barking isn’t an issue, right?