Haven’t backed my computer up since the 3rd, so I’m doing that now. I took it off the automatic timer cuz it would take forever and slow me down.

Ran a total of 28 blocks yesterday in 33° temps. My nose felt like a block of ice stuck to my face, but what ended up annoying me most was the little twig or weed that somehow got into my shoe and was irritating me. It was 5am, so only a few cars passed by during this time. A cop car was exiting the gate when I reached it and headed back. I couldn’t make out who was in it, but whoever it was waved and I waved back.

Running at night is both easier and harder. It’s harder to see the ground and exactly what your feet are coming down on as you run, but it’s easier to see cars coming cuz of their headlights.

Despite the cold, I actually worked up a bit of a sweat underneath my jacket and sweatshirt, so I found when I returned home. My cheeks continued to sting a while, though, as if they’d been slapped.

Woke up several times feeling as if I had cramps and was so sure that I finally had a full-fledged period going, but nope. I’m still spotting just like I did yesterday. The cramps weren’t bad enough to have to take something for them and were gone after I showered.

LiveJournal is down now. Gee, what a surprise. Reminds me why I stopped going there regularly. Too much change and therefore too many problems. Outages, pages not loading all the way, site running slower than a snail, etc. Really wish they’d get their shit together till I finished copying old journals. I could copy from my-diary but that one’s a little trickier to copy from and this way I can edit both journals at once. I’m not going to stress too much over something I wrote over 20 years ago, but I still like to double-check and make sure no full names are mentioned unless they’re famous people, of course. I also edit out any silly trivial stuff I don’t think needs to be there and clarify anything I think is poorly written. Still find typos at times, too. It would be nice if Andy eventually read through all the entries from 1987 till now to catch anything I might’ve missed, but if he thinks my stories are too long, he certainly wouldn’t want to read a 26-year-long journal!

Later…

Ended up chatting with Tammy for about an hour. LOL, getting off the phone from her is like prying a grilled cheese sandwich apart. That woman could gab all day and all night.

Despite all her aches, pains, and gripes, I do understand her frustrations. Not gonna share most of what we discussed publicly, though, due to all the sensitives out there. Too many people are pro-black and while I have the right to be me, I also don’t want to upset people either. So most of this will remain between close friends. Even they love blacks, LOL, but they know how I feel and why I feel the way I do, and they can handle it.

Some think my feelings towards blacks soured after they sought legal vengeance upon me in Arizona and wreaked havoc on my life and that of my husband, but it was actually the L.A. Riots that started to change my feelings. That was when I said, “Whoa, wait a minute now. Being pissed is one thing. Going around and taking it out on innocent people who had NOTHING to do with the pigs getting away with being Rodney King is another. If they wanted to attack someone, the officers should’ve been the ones they went after. THEY were the ones that were guilty. But when I watched with shame, disgust and sadness as they beat innocent people, destroyed property, and looted stores like crazy, I felt nothing but contempt.

Then the shit with OJ went down and then Michael Jackson got away with what I totally believe was indeed child molestation and the race card became the hip thing to play. Then what happened to me happened, then similar things to numerous other whites, and well, what do you expect folks? For me to pat them on the back and say, “Good job, guys, good job?”

While I feel terrible for those who were indeed honest-to-God slaves from way back when and for those who are hard-working, fair, and honest yet have truly been discriminated against, I feel nothing but shame and contempt for them as a whole. They are constantly complaining, into drugs, into crime, living off of people’s hard-earned tax dollars, crying discrimination where it doesn’t exist, and using their race to get ahead no matter who gets hurt in the process. Yet 98% of the country just loves them and is quick to make excuses for every little thing they do.

What. The. Fuck?

So that was part of today’s chat; how much she can’t stand blacks and seeing them on welfare while wearing these thick gold chains and driving fancy cars and all the other shit most of them pull. She’s pretty safe from them being out in the country, but she reads the news. She knows what’s going on in the cities around her, most of which always involve blacks.

She also hates Muslims, another thing I can understand. As I told her, though, some of the country will be quick to agree with her Muzzie gripes, but you’re not going to get much sympathy where blacks are concerned. Complain about them and blacks and whites alike want to kill you for it while they make one excuse after another for their behavior. “Oh, but they had it rough when they were slaves,” etc.

So did some of my ancestors when they were fried in concentration camps. But that doesn’t give me the right to slap the lady across the street just because of what someone else did who isn’t even alive anymore.

I don’t understand why people don’t see it, I told her, but things have been the way they are with blacks for many years now and I don’t see anyone putting their foot down any time soon. They acknowledge the Muzzies but they don’t see how many blacks are causing so much mayhem and misery despite the fact that we’re living in a time when more doors and opportunities are open to them than they are to whites.

I guess now she even hates Chinese people because a bunch of Chinese immigrants is being brought over from China to work in Indian-owned casinos there. I asked why they can’t just hire Americans and I guess it has to do with being Indian-owned and operated and out of the government’s hands. The government gave the Indians some land after taking theirs, so on top of their reservations, I guess their casinos aren’t governed either, which makes sense. They sought sovereignty from the government. Wish we could get sovereignty from the fuckers too, and that we too, could be exempt from paying taxes.

I can understand her frustration with all the damn immigrants, legal and not. My husband wouldn’t have been on unemployment for so long if so many of them hadn’t flocked to the US and hogged our resources and jobs like they have.

She complains it’s hard to understand the various foreign accents when dealing with sales calls or when she’s running errands and things like that, and I guess some doctor pissed Sarah off, too. I don’t know what nationality she was, but she couldn’t understand a damn thing she said when she went in for medication for her seizure and the doctor kept telling her to go online and do some research, then let her know what medication she wanted. “But you’re the one who’s supposed to be telling me this,” she told the doctor.

Like it or not, America isn’t always about being “American,” and English-speaking? Well, that’s hit or miss. She hates it when she gets sales calls from someone in Pakistan and tells them to have an American call her back.

I used to have a hard time with foreign accents too, but learning lots of languages has helped because the brain gets used to hearing sounds it’s not used to hearing with just English. She said that may very well be true, but she shouldn’t be forced to learn Chinese like some teachers in school there are unless she’s going to live in China. I agree. Language learning should be for fun, business travel, or because you’re going to relocate to a country that speaks a language other than your own.

The Chinese have come to us. Let THEM learn English!

She said she feels the Cubans down in Florida are very hard working, but hates Puerto Ricans for their laziness. They did seem pretty lazy when I last lived in the East. Can’t deny that much. Even the Mexicans work harder, though many of them still prefer welfare.

Florida. That’s where she told me some things that made me go, really? It wasn’t the most shocking thing she told me. I’ll save that for last. She and Mark are hoping to sell out in about 4 years when he retires and take their remodeling business down to Florida, which friends of theirs (though she admits they’re more like acquaintances) say should do better down there. I think it would too, since it’s a warmer climate. Depending on the economy I think they could get at least a quarter mil for their place. It’s a beautiful huge house on a 3-acre parcel.

The shocking thing is that she says (and Tom confirms this) that Florida’s much cheaper. Food, gas, the cost of living… everything. For some reason, I thought Florida was a very expensive state just like Cali. They must make less money there, though. Still, you never know, I told her, we may meet up there when Tom retires, but who knows what the state will be like by then or what will be going on in our lives?

Still… having family close by (even though Tammy can be a bitch) and the ocean, more rain, warmer winters, cool storms… the idea is appealing so long as a hurricane doesn’t go wiping us out. The humidity would suck too, but it’d be good for my hair and skin. It would be nice, if we really ever did make another long-distance move, to have someone we know waiting for us there. When we moved to Oregon and then to Cali, we didn’t know a soul.

She doesn’t know if they’ll get a condo or a separate dwelling, but she swears that she never heard a damn thing (other than landscaping) while she was there and she was there for months. She said the only thing you might hear is sirens on the highway. Those places would be built on concrete slab foundations so that would help any vibrant sounds, I suppose, like heavy footsteps. But no cabinets or door slamming? Wow. No TVs or music? Wow again.

Tammy is so different yet so the same. She is more positive towards me and encouraging and I don’t doubt that she’d help us in any way she could. She still has a vengeful side, though, and that’s a little scary. I don’t know the details but they used to be friends with a couple and I guess the guy was a well-known politician in the area. They got into it about who knows what and I guess the guy wrote some very mean things about her that really hurt. The guy supposedly called them swearing and making threats and then she called the cops. She admitted that if she could anonymously screw him over, she would. Yeah, that’s Tammy for you, though I think most of us would screw people that burned us bad enough if it were that simple. I just don’t think many people would admit this.

I kind of like to face my opponents out in the open when necessary as I did with the paper that slandered the shit out of me without even investigating any of the tall tales told to it. I emailed them long after I was vindicated (so they would see I wasn’t trying to gain anything from it) and told them to do a little digging. I don’t know if this was before or after the welfare bum’s black pig pal was booted from the force, but the point is that I told the paper, “You think I’m the only one? Well, just like a rapist doesn’t usually rape just one person, corrupt cops don’t usually legally screw just one person either. Do some digging into him and his friends and you just may be surprised at what turns up.”

These people hate whites 10 times more than I could ever hate blacks, and their BEHAVIOR – not color – has earned them some pretty ill feelings on my part in which I make absolutely NO apologies for. I am utterly shameless and guiltless when it comes to my feelings towards blacks, Muslims and some Hispanics. Even the Italians piss me off at times with all their gay-bashing.

It’s ridiculous and totally unfair how whites are often passed over for jobs that are given to blacks with half the experience and performance quality, simply because their ancestors were unfairly denied this, this and that a million years ago. Oh, and you want that job your white coworker has? No problem. Just tell the boss she/he called you a racial slur and voila! It’s yours.

Anyway, I don’t know if Tom’s going to retire at 66 or 70, but I do know this much. One of 3 things is going to happen. We’re either going to stay here forever. We’re going to move to Florida. Or we’re going to leave the country altogether. I have no idea which one of these will happen as it’s way too far in the future to predict, but I do know this much – we’re not leaving this house till WE decide to or we grow old and die. Not when any evil, hateful God says. I have never felt better since I finally stood up to HIM and have gotten HIM out of my life. Maybe I should’ve done so years ago and said, “Look, I don’t know why you’ve always had it in for me and personally I don’t give a shit. We’re not going to take the shit you throw at us anymore, and WE’RE taking the reigns of our lives, not You!”

We have stood up to Him! We have defied Him! And we have won! Our lives may not be perfect, but we now live in the house He never wanted us to have. We have the money He never wanted us to have. And while the rest of the world is marveling in His presence or light or whatever they want to call it, I am grateful as hell for His absence. If things could stay the way they are for a while, I’d be thrilled.

The most shocking thing she told me was that a few years ago she was in Florida. She was sitting with Dad while Mom was having her hair done. “How could you let her do it?” she asked him. “How could you sit back and let the emotional, verbal and physical abuse go on? Do you really think Jodi was the way she was cuz she had nothing better to do?”

She said Dad then balled his eyes out like a baby, turned to her and said, “I am so, so sorry.”

I didn’t even know this! I thought he’d defend that bitch till his dying breath. She held his hand a while and they never spoke of it again after that.

I don’t know who I hate more when I think of every slap, kick and insult she threw at me, her or God. Just the names Dureen and God are enough to make me sick. shakes with rage

Now it’s time for some cleaning and cooking before I read myself to sleep in my warm, cozy house that has more space than we’ll ever know what to do with.

Guess who finally got a period after nearly two months? It’s not much of one, though. Someone told me they didn’t get a period for four months when they started running, so yeah, between menopause and an athletic overhaul, I’d say there probably is a connection.

I looked at running apparel and found the prices to be outrageous. I’ll just stick to shorts, sweats, and tees. Not expecting much more in the way of inches or weight loss, but I can definitely quit worrying about what I eat and just eat when I’m hungry as long as I keep running! I love it! Still, get backaches at times but all my joint pain is gone.

The holidays really seem to bring out the worst in people. Online alone, I’m getting sick of dealing with people’s moods, insults, demands, and pushiness. I’ve pulled back a bit so as not to go on a major dumping spree. Keep it up, though, and some people are going to lose me. I understand the holidays can be a very stressful time, but still, I don’t need that kind of stuff in my life, you know? I don’t expect people to be in a good mood all the time, but if I can’t surround myself with positive, accepting, and more tolerant people, I’d rather just keep to myself. Besides, as I told Andy, I want to spend less time in the virtual world regardless of what’s going on in it, and more time in the real world. Now, we both love Ask and our picture game, but there simply isn’t a whole lot to update him on in just an hour or two. What can I say? I made a cup of coffee? I peed? LOL

I’ll still check in at least three times a day on Ask and once on Facebook, so it’s not like I’ll be dropping offline totally. The other sites vary depending on what’s going on.

Still looking forward to checking that painting class out at the clubhouse on Thursday and finding out just what it entails. Tom thinks you have to buy your own paints and canvases and that he’ll get me some since I’m good at it. LOL, that’s very sweet of him, but I haven’t done it in years (though I don’t see why I couldn’t now), and I’m not sure I want to get back into it. Painting is fun, but I like blogging and running more. So it’s a matter of priority, I guess. Still, it would add a nice mix of variety as long as it’s something I truly like and am interested in.

I totally dread going out in the freezing temps, but at around 7 am I’m going out for my run. I could stay indoors and run on the treadmill, but that is just so darn boring to me lately. Haven’t had any cramps yet but running could change that. Therefore, instead of doing my usual 14 blocks down to the gate and back, I may just circle the block. That way, I stay close to home in case cramps or the cold get to me. I’ll be bundled up in a ski jacket and gloves. Wish I had knee-high socks to keep the cold from creeping up my pant legs and freezing my shins. Oh well. Could be worse like up in Oregon. These temps are rare and short-lived, thank goodness. Just gotta make the best of it for now and remind myself that I’ll spend most of the year sweating out there.

We got an action camera that also works underwater. Sometime I can wear the camera around my neck and film my run, though that may be boring to most people.

Last night's dreams were better than going Lorena Bobbitt on Tom. I showed someone how I could touch my nose to my knee. In reality, I'm about 3" from touching my nose to my knee, but that's the third "skinny" dream I’ve had since moving in here. Any dream psychic will tell you that recurring dreams are often signs, though I don’t ever expect to literally be skinny. At this point, additional weight/inch loss is strictly a bonus. I don’t mind staying big. I just don’t ever want to return to the 150s. It's very hard to get around up there at my height.

But even though I’m not dieting, I am still losing weight. When I woke up, I stretched, yawned, and casually rested my arm across my stomach. "I’m thinner," I thought to myself. That’s another thing about being short; just a slight gain or loss and you notice it. Well, scales aren't always accurate but measuring tapes are, and I'm now down from a 38” or 39” waist to a 34”. Wow! I didn’t expect that. Ideally, I should be 24” - 28”, but 34” isn’t that big a nightmare.

It's gotta be the running, though, because I haven't been dieting at all. Running is very serious business, and a lot of people don't realize it until they get into it. It's one of the best forms of cardio, and it usually takes months of training just to be able to do half a mile. I'm still surprised at the loss of inches because, running my ass off or not, I'm still older and I'm still female.

Since the camera always adds a few pounds and I’ve come down a bit since Andy last saw pics of me, I don’t doubt that he and I would both agree we didn’t look as big if we could see each other in person, even if we also could see we were far from skinny.

I noticed my ass and gut don't stick out as much as they used to when I caught my profile in the mirror. Maybe someday I'll get my washboard abs back, but I’m just glad I’m fit and healthy. My poor sister, though, is still bedridden and in a lot of pain. She has a beautiful bedroom, she says, but the walls are closing in on her. Hell, I’d go stir-crazy immobilized like that, AND I’d gain a ton of weight! I know for a fact I’d go back to a slow steady gain of 2-4 pounds a month if I couldn’t run or do other forms of cardio.

Speed control gets harder as you become more fit but is VERY important. You train your body to run, and that's exactly what it wants to do—run! But if you start off too fast, you could burn out and be at risk for injury. My foot came down in a way the other day that could've very well caused injury had I not had strong ankles.

People say just running to the next room to get the phone leaves them winded, but that’s a different kind of running. To get the phone, you’re usually running as fast as you can. On the streets, running our fastest is unnecessary and excessive and just not sustainable as it is if we just barely break into a run. I keep it at a comfy 3.5 MPH. This way, my heart and muscles are working, but not overdoing it either, and I can go 30-60 min.

I’ll be out there at night in the summertime as I’m not running with no 108° sun beating down on me.

You don’t have to stuff yourself first, but never run on an empty stomach! A car needs gas to run and so do you. Running on an empty stomach can cause dizziness, and you may even pass out. I don’t count calories, but I try to go easy on the sugar and starches. Tonight was strength-training night – arms and abs.

Haven't had a period since mid-October. Tom said all the running could also have a part in throwing off my hormone levels, as athletes often don’t have periods at all. It's hardcore exercise, alright, that seems humanly impossible for beginners even at slow speeds. Start with indoor stationary jogging if you do get into it. Damn, *shakes head in remembrance* there was once a time I couldn't do 5 minutes of stationary.

As I’ve done numerous times since 2010, I’m really questioning my friendship with Andy and just how much he truly cares about me. There’s just no appeasing this guy. He always, always has a problem with me. Don’t know how much more I can take before I get fed up and walk away. His life may have changed dramatically as far as his activities, income, job, and living arrangements go, but he’s still the same old person. Same old judgmental, immature, moody whiner I’ve always known him to be. Who the heck is he kidding when he harps on me for not trusting people enough to have more in-person friends? He has his own trust issues. Think he’s alone for the fun of it? He may enjoy his solitude, but at the same time, he doesn’t have a boyfriend because he can’t trust anyone. He wouldn’t trust a darn thing the guy said or did, and he knows it. Yet he doesn’t get why I don’t have in-person friends?

Sick of seeing ads begging for money for kids in other countries. Isn't it the parents' responsibility to provide food, education, and clothing for their children? And why should this country be expected to foot the bill when we have enough poverty right here at home? If you can't afford children, don't have them!

Scales aren’t always accurate, but measuring tapes are. Down to a 35” waist. I suppose that’s not too bad for 48 years old, but it’s certainly not ideal either; something like 24” or even up to 28” would be better. Guess what, though? Yup, you got it. It’s the weekend, and I’m treating myself, which means 35” is as good as it gets. :) I think I’ll bake a small batch of chocolate chip cookies and split them with Tom this time around. And the rats, of course.

Went for a midnight test run, and OMG was it cold! My shins and face felt like ice, even though I had long pants on. I dug out the ski jacket I used to wear in Oregon from the closet, thinking I wouldn’t even be able to get into it with how heavy I am now, but believe it or not, I did manage to zip it up. Barely, but I did. I also found my knit gloves in their pockets too. Didn’t realize I still had these. Instead of going for a long-distance run like down to the front gate, I just circled the block to see what it was like at night, and I could see plenty well enough. Between the street lights and the way so many people light up their houses at night, it’ll probably be easier to see any cars backing out at night than in the daytime, not that I expect people to be leaving at midnight here. Morning, noon, midnight—it's the only way to prevent the inches from going from 35 to 40, 45, 50, 55…

Poor Tom. Just one more day off, then it’s back to work. I think another reason he’s not so eager to socialize much outside of work is not only due to the lack of free time but also after dealing with tons of people for 8-10 hours a day, half of whom are idiots, that’s all the more reason to value his solitude. He's still looking forward to the company bowling party.

I still can’t believe Alison would prefer to be friends with someone like Kim more than me, but that’s her prerogative.

Also, I think, but I'm not sure, the block is preventing Molly from accessing LiveJournal. Her hits are registering, but no time is being recorded, so I'm guessing she's probably being redirected after a few seconds.

I'm not sure which I dislike being on more, nights or days. Nighttime is more peaceful, but I don’t want to run in the cold. I don’t mind the dark, but I do mind the cold. It'll be interesting to see if running is more difficult once I finally get back out there. If it is, then I need to stop using the weather as an excuse and just get out there, since the treadmill has become really boring. After all, people run in worse climates than this. They have to deal with much more rain and even snow and ice.

I had the strangest dream EVER. I cut off Tom's penis while he was asleep, hid it in the toilet tank, then giggled to myself as I wrote a note telling him to see if he could find it when he woke up.

What the heck?

Got my three 6-foot, triple-head trees today and can see why someone recommended unwrapping them outdoors. Parts of them are wrapped in burlap, which is utterly ridiculous as plastic would've been enough, and it makes a mess as you pull it open.

It's right at freezing now. After I make the grocery list, I'll decide if I want to go out for a run or not, but since I usually only work out every other day since all I care about is maintaining my weight and not gaining more at this point, I probably won’t.

If all goes well, Molly will no longer be able to view my LiveJournal blog. I found another IP-banning site, but am not sure I placed the code in the correct spot. This one let me redirect her to the site of my choosing and so she’s going to check out sex dolls if it works. LOL 

Can’t decide if I want to keep my Twitter account or not. I do tweet sometimes, but mostly it’s just tweeting stuff that’s being auto-sent to it from LiveJournal or Ask. 

I did shut down on MyOpera, though, since the site’s shutting down soon anyway and I don’t use it. It was a fun 2 ½ years. 

Alison said they were missing Tumblr. Hmm… never really cared for that one much, though blocking and tracking is easier there. Maybe someday I’ll create a new account there. 

I asked Andy about his Facebook habits trying to get a sense of how his account differs from mine. I stopped checking the homepage thoroughly due to spam, ads, offers and “like” suggestions galore littering the feed. I’m suspecting one of the apps I stupidly signed up for was corrupt and that’s why. I just don’t know how to undo it. I’ve got a gazillion apps in my app section. 

The PMS ebbed off a bit, then came flooding back with a vengeance. I want to get a period at the same time I don’t if it’s going to relieve my symptoms. 

Romeo has become like a whole new rat. He was always timid and never wanted to interact with me outside of the cage. But earlier BOTH rats were climbing all over me. He still bites, of course, and I still have to tell him to stop when he starts getting rough. All rats nip playfully, but this one doesn’t know his own strength. He could practically shave my legs with the way his teeth were scraping against my skin preening it. Still, I think winning that toy for him was a great thing. Sugar isn’t interested in it. He’d rather chase me. But Romeo just loves it even if I’m now finding a scattering of feathers all over the place. 

I am never ever going to go contact papering again. How I managed to get the wall silhouettes on is beyond me. You’d think papering shelves and drawers should be simple, but I just had to fuck it up every which way. I measured wrong, I couldn’t align the paper straight, I got air bubbles… 

I told Nane she needs to fly in from Germany and finish the job for me. She needs to visit Cali anyway. One of her brothers “liked” that and I was surprised he could see it since that post was friends-only and he’s not currently added. Maybe cuz I tagged her in it? 

Think I’ll go check there now. I’m sure Sarah will be in any sec now with her usual affirmations, sisterly love, and praise for her wife/child-beating father. 

Later… 

I’m writing this in Word till I can post it online. I don’t know why but I can’t get online right now. Probably just normal outages due to the wind and rain, although it says I am indeed connected. Maybe I bumped a wire or something, though I was on earlier and all was fine. Figures Tom had to go to bed, so if the problem doesn’t work itself out soon enough, I’ll have to wait till he’s awake cuz I can’t think of anything else I can do. It’s going to be a long boring night if I can’t get online till morning, but I’m out cold. Like Auburn kind of cold. Really hope the code I installed in my LiveJournal blog wasn’t corrupt in any way. It was to block Molly since the other site only lets me block one site and it’s got her blocked on Blogger. Still don’t see how a code could knock me offline altogether, though, so it’s probably something in one of the wires running to my computer. 

Oh, ok, I’m back online now. I just needed to restart my computer. Even Macs need to be rebooted every now and then so they can update software and reset things. I’m back up to speed, too. 

Anyway, the Molly blocker appears to work great. She shouldn’t be sticking her nose into my business any more than I should have hers or ever will again, and this will help make sure that that’s just what she does – keep her nose out of my business. We’re not friends. We never will be. She doesn’t need to know what’s going on with me. I don’t need to know what’s going on with her. 

We got tons of seafood from Sam’s Club. Breaded butterfly shrimp, beer-battered cod, shrimp scampi, and snow crabs imported from Russia. These guys were BIG when they were alive! My first thought was that it’d be too much work for too little meat. They’re actually fairly meaty enough, but a lot of work. They’re precooked and all you need to do is heat them up, but you spend more time busting shells than eating meat. The rats, of course, love gnawing on the shells. 

Anyway, the snow levels are to get down as low as 500’ tonight. Glad we’re not still in Auburn at 1000’ and are down at a safe 230’. It’s rainy and windy out there now. I feel bad for all the homeless people out there tonight. Not the ones who were dumb enough to throw their lives away to drugs and booze, but the ones who truly fell prey to circumstances beyond their control. The circumstances that many of us like to think don’t exist till we’re forced to learn the hard way that yeah, they sometimes do, and no, we’re not always able to be in the driver’s seat of our lives and we don’t always have as much “free will” as we’d like to think we do. But Tom and Jodi S have survived! And I thank goodness we’re in a warm, dry home with plenty of space, food and money. I’m very grateful to have the love of family and good friends who are always there for me. I may never again see the ones I’ve met in the past and I may never meet the ones I haven’t, but they’re there. 

I hope Andy’s not too sick. Sleep disorder or not his schedule’s always been way more predictable than mine. He went to bed pretty early after providing me with some, well, graphic details. 

Back on Facebook on Monday, since I’m not usually in on weekends. I don’t expect to hear from anyone in particular till then anyway. 

The only thing keeping the layout of this house from being perfect are two simple walls. We got to talking about it, and how nice it’d be to split our giant living room in half so I could have a small, cozy little office with enough space for my desk and just what I need in there. I don’t like having my office be part of the living room and I don’t always like having the rats in my office either with all the racket they like to make. 

If you step inside the workshop you will see that the walls go up to meet the carport roof but don’t actually support anything. So applying the same idea in here shouldn’t be too hard. They don’t need to be thick and they don’t need to support anything. They would also provide more wall space for wall decals. As huge as our living room is, there isn’t much wall space with 8 humungous windows, the desk and the huge TV. 

We’ve got lots of plans for this place over the upcoming years from carpet to garages and new toilets to new furniture. 

We’re about 7 weeks from Hawaii now! Gotta get luggage soon, and I’ve begun making a list of things to do and get. Wanna remember to take people’s addresses of those I plan to send postcards to and things like that. Even though we’ll probably only use the luggage once, I’m glad they have more variety in colors now. When all they had was black, gray, red and blue, yours didn’t stand out very well when you’d be waiting to pick it up in the luggage claim area. 

The dishwasher has a slight leak. Of course. *rolls eyes* But even though it’s under warranty all they’d do is fix the gasket that’s leaking and not replace it altogether. It’s ancient and rusty. Might even be the original, which means it’s 30 years old. So it’s definitely time for an upgrade. 

Tom gets points and bonuses at work. Some are cash and some are points that can be used for time off or gift cards. Since he already has a lot of time off and doesn’t want to use it unless he’s sick or we have something special going on (like getting carpet installed), he opted for cards. So now we have $50 in Target credit and $150 in Walmart credit. 

Life is good. :)

Nane posted a pink vanity table to my wall as my Geburtstagsgeschenk. :) I’m glad she’s got a keen eye and is so observant because I didn’t even notice that the dresser drawers of our non-virtual dresser were messed up. Tom’s using the one with the rub-on transfer and he accidentally put 2 drawers in the wrong spots. 

I was surprised cousin Deb wished me a happy birthday, but not surprised cousins Michelle and Sharyn didn’t. They’re relatives but not family. I think Sharyn never really cared for me and Michelle is turned off by the fact that I don’t feel bad for today’s blacks and that I don’t see all this “racial oppression” she speaks of. She’s never actually said anything negative, so she could just be one of those who start off friendly, then drifts away like some people do. 

I thought my nieces weren’t going to wish me a happy birthday. Sarah started off with her usual “be yourself” and “I love my sister” and “I have the most wonderful daddy cuz he got me a remote starter for my car.” 

Yeah, abusive guys rock, don’t they? And how come there are never any posts praising Mommy? 

Tom said they’re not that bright and probably wouldn’t notice my birthday if it was right in front of them, but they surprised me later on after all. 

I got a cute rodent “card” from Nane and several other wishes and posts from Andy, Tammy, Adonis and others. Still pissed that the trolls’ and Aly’s shit nearly caused me to dump Adonis, but if there’s anything I learned it’s to treat people online like I would in person. If I wouldn’t want to meet with you in real life, I’m not going to any of your accounts. Really want to figure out how to block Molly from LiveJournal but am not sure where to put the code. 

Later… 

Alison emailed me saying she decided to stop going to my blogs but we could keep in touch by email. But she was in my Blogger blog today. 

She’s also dumping one of her Twitter accounts and thinking of rejoining Tumblr. I can’t keep up with all this girl’s accounts! Maybe that’s the idea, though. 

We were right to leave Arizona, but why oh why didn’t we go to Florida? I had strange and negative dreams all night (or day in my current case) that woke me up constantly, and one of them included snow. We threw it all away and dumped our home and our lives here for a warmer place (San Diego?) and were renting dumpy houses again. The noise was horrible. Screaming kids and barking dogs galore. Tom came home at night from work (why does he always work nights in my dreams?) and when I opened the door to greet him, I was shocked – and horrified – to see a few inches of snow on the ground. I wept with misery, wishing we could come back here and thinking that even the Jes pest was better than where we were. 

In reality, we’d never throw our lives away like that. If we ever really do move it won’t be till he retires. We’d make it just fine if he retired at 62, but we’ll be more than just fine if he holds out till 70. 

Also, in reality, they’ve got snow mixed in with rain for Saturday! WTF? Just WTF?!?! Tom discovered this weather update after I had the dream and was up and telling him about it. I am NOT going to be out there running in the snow! I’m not! 

I have tried and tried to please others, but I’m only good at being me just like John Mayer is only good at being young. Or so he says in one of his songs. There is a saying about how good friends don’t insult friends (like sending them pics of blacks proudly faulting a piece of paper over a white person’s head that says race card, which isn’t exactly a thrilling reminder for me or for others who have been a victim of reverse discrimination. Like sending a rape victim a pic of a woman being raped) and how they accept us as we are without trying to control and change us. Well, I’m done trying to please this one and please that one. If we were all meant to be the same, we would be. But if it’s that important to you to have friends you “approve” of and that you can relate to, it’d be just as easy to walk away from me and go get them as it would be for me to walk away from you and continue being my merry little self. 

No, this isn’t aimed at anyone in particular, just like last time, but being sad for those who are happy and not harming themselves or anyone else is like crying for someone’s cancer that they simply don’t have. 

“But I’m just trying to understand,” some people insist. Really? Or are they just trying to change and control? Then they craftily turn the tables and make it look like you were the problem when they finally get fed up enough to dump you. 

Well, I’m not looking to dump anyone that I currently know; just avoid and ignore those I dislike. It’s easier to forgive someone who can admit they made a mistake and apologize as opposed to those who go into denial and always turn the tables on you. Some people are such bad liars they will literally slap you in the face and be like, what? I didn’t slap you! Yeah, I’m not short either. 

A good 95% of the shit I’ve had to put up with online was on account of the same damn few people. *sad sigh* So fucking old. 

Ended up napping for an hour last night. It was nice to do in my warm cozy bed while it was so fucking cold out there. The cold I felt when taking the trash out early in the morning was positively numbing. 

My squirrel figurine arrived and it’s so cute. :) So did Jade’s socks. I ordered what I thought were 2 pairs of toddler socks for my 32” porcelain doll, but got 6 instead. She’s now wearing white socks with colorful polka dots around the ankle cuffs. 

Tom loves the shelves he got at Sam’s Club. On the 10th they’re doing another bulk pickup, so he’s going to get rid of what they left behind that he doesn’t want so he can finally have room enough in there to arrange it how he wants. It’s a pretty good size workshop, too.

Two days private and I miss being public already and seeing who comes around, haha. I decided to go two and two. I remained private on my-diary and LiveJournal but opened my Blogger and Prosebox blogs back up. 

I’m going to try to be pickier about what I say in public in general. I don’t care if I get comments or not, but I get sick of looking at a dead tracker. Would prefer it if the eyes of those I don’t care for would mind their own business but if I’m found on Prosebox (if I haven’t been already), then oh well. 

It is so fucking cold out there that I bumped the heat up to 72°. I usually keep it at 70° in the winter and 80° in the summer, but since I’m going to be on nights I’m going to warm it up during those hours. If I were asleep under my heavy blanket, then no. As soon as I crash in a few hours it’s getting dropped back to 70°. It sucks, though, as I am simply not used to this kind of cold. They’re saying it could even get into the 20s tomorrow night – ugh! But look at Klamath Falls, Oregon. It makes Massachusetts seem toasty warm. It’s why we only lived there for 3 years. 

After sleeping in late tomorrow, I’m looking forward to a fun birthday with lots of good food, fun and relaxation. It’s going to be a selfish ‘do what Jodi wants to do’ day. :) 

Later… 

Had, and am still having, a great birthday, though I didn’t sleep in as late as I thought I would. I know I said I’d skip my run today, but that was easier said than done. It’s making me feel too good to slack off now. My flexibility and energy levels are increasing big time. I even lost a few pounds, though I don’t expect much change there cuz I don’t diet anymore. I want to run a couple of miles every other day regardless. I’m focusing more on exercise lately than diet (I'm in my comfort zone of 1500 cals a day), but at this point, the numbers on the scale and measuring tape are just bonuses. I LOVE the way it makes me feel and that's more important. I hate it when I can't sit down on the floor and get up in one swift fluid motion. If you can't do that, you're not in shape or something's wrong. 

Maybe I’ll even try Carol Maggio’s Facercise sometime and see if it really works. According to her, if we exercise our 52 facial muscles, we can tighten droopy necks and jowls, slim faces and more. There’s an exercise that also makes the eyes look more open. As we age the skin around our eyes tends to sag, making us look tired and like we’re squinting. I’ve noticed this on myself. I have been known to have large eyes, but in my last set of pictures, I was like hey, why are my eyes half-closed? My wide cheekbones have always given my face a full appearance even at 100 pounds, but oh well. Can’t win ‘em all. 

So I got up and Tom arrived shortly after with some bulk items from Sam’s Club and our KFC. He hates chicken, but he got a chilidog right next door. He got me a bucket of 10 pieces of chicken, a container of biscuits, mac and cheese, and potato wedges. He had some of everything but the chicken. He also got a chocolate chip cake. I was dressed and ready to run, but decided I’d have a bite first. That “bite” turned out to be a whopping 5 pieces of chicken and half a biscuit! Didn’t realize I was that hungry. 

By 4pm I was out the door in 50° weather for my jog. I jogged all 14 blocks to the tire spikes at the front gate. :) I mostly walked back. I studied a map of the park, which I feel comfortable enough with now. Meaning, I’m sure I could find my way home no matter where in the park I was. There are only about 20 streets here. As I get stronger and in better shape, I’m going to want a longer route. But looping around the park actually looks to be a shorter route than doubling back. Also, my route is safer because it’s along the perimeter and I don’t have side streets on both sides of me. As Tom said, we live with old people, half of whom can’t drive, so you have to be careful. Someone got a little close to me today and I was thinking, you have all that space over there. Why you leaning in on me? 

I didn’t even let the group of turkeys deter me that I sometimes see here and there. I wouldn’t back down from a grown man, so why would I from something that weighs 40-50 pounds? I never heard of any turkey attacks, and Tom says they’re not aggressive. 

Hazel was sweeping away, as usual, and we chatted for a few minutes. She wished me a happy birthday and said I don’t look my age. It’s a good thing she’s too out of it to ask how the hell I knew her name. It was Ron and that other lady at the lake that mentioned her name. 

By the time I returned, it was 46°. Before 10pm we hit freezing. :( Freezing or not, I love how I am able to get outdoors more often here. There was nothing stopping me in other places, but still… I had potentially dangerous people in Phoenix, rattlesnakes in Maricopa, loose dogs in Oregon, along with skunks and the slight, but real possibility of bears in Auburn. Online and outside of the park, I don’t care who/what you are. I have friends of many countries, colors, races, religions and sexual orientations online and that’s fine. Now call me racist and very un-American sounding if you must, but I love living with my fellow aging whities. I don’t know that everyone’s “white,” though. I mean there may be some Hispanics as they have just as much right as anyone else to be here, but hip or not, I love knowing no outdoor dogs, kids, college animals or welfare bums can live here. The landscaping may be annoying, but everything always looks so gorgeous. They don’t even allow single-wides in here and everything must be 1977-made and newer, built like regular houses. 

It’s amazing how far I’ve come with the running. One of the biggest mistakes people make, as I once did, is they run too fast when they first start out. This causes you to burn out too fast and puts you at risk of cramps and injury. When you first start out your calves burn so bad, you feel like you can’t catch your breath, and you swear it’s not humanly possible to run very far. But it is! Just start with stationary running indoors to build those calves up. That’s the first and most important thing is getting those calves and ankles strengthened. 

Although outdoor running means I could twist an ankle easier if I’m not careful and don’t watch where I’m going, I find it way less boring than the treadmill. The treadmill was boring me even with TV, music or the Kindle set up on it. And once I reach my destination (the front gate) I can’t give up and say I don’t want to continue on cuz I gotta get back home after all. 

I noticed that in white paint at the edge of the street they wrote USA. Do they think we're so old and so far gone here that we forget what country we're in??? Well, I may roll my eyes at some of the shit I used to do that I once found hilarious which I now find silly or mean – prank calls, egging vehicles, leaving gum in all the wrong places, but the prankster in me that still lives on wished she had matching paint so every 20 feet or so she could add another country... Germany... Spain... Australia... Brazil... LOL...

Tick-tock goes the final hours of my 47th year.

A shark bit some guy’s foot off while he was visiting Maui, and a German lady was killed several months ago while snorkeling. Supposedly, it's highly unusual to have two shark attacks in the same year. No, it’s not going to scare me if we decide to go snorkeling.

No hip or leg pain today after yesterday’s semi-fierce run, but today I got up too late to go out there. It’s way too cold and windy. Instead, I got my workout in the form of housecleaning and playing with the rats. Definitely getting pretty fit again, and when I say “fit,” I mean for a 48-year-old, not a 20-year-old. Still no desire to actively lose weight, but if I did, a 40-pound loss would be ideal, while a 30-pound loss would be sufficient. My waist is down from 38 to 35, but that’s still a good 10 inches more than I should have.

I have no idea what the hell’s going on with my period, or lack of it, but I can only guess menopause is slowly setting in. The water retention has gone down quite a bit. It will be interesting to see if I get a period this month.

I’ll be stuffing myself tomorrow with KFC. :) I love that stuff. I limit my fast food to once or twice a month, but tomorrow I won’t be working or working out at all. First, the birthday girl will be sleeping most of the day away since I’m on nights right now, then it’ll be nothing but food, fun, writing, movies, and music.

While I still don’t appreciate people trying to push their lifestyle on me or complain about mine, I totally hear Andy when he points out that in-person friends can do things cyber friends can’t. Cyber friends just aren’t real. I mean, of course they’re real people with real lives and real feelings and real interests and all that, but they can’t give you a ride if you need one or throw you a birthday party.

At the same time, I feel confident that if we ever needed anything, Bob and Virginia next door would be quick to help out. This isn’t like a regular neighborhood. Think Virginia would’ve come out, introduced herself to Tom that day she saw him going to the mailbox, then told him they were going on vacation and not to think anything was wrong if this was the mainstream? You might do that in a regular community after you’ve known your neighbor a while, but not a few months after they moved in. There are other people as well who would help us in ways like that if we needed it, so don’t think we’re totally helpless.

As for throwing me a birthday party? LOL, that’s really sweet, but at my age, birthday parties simply don’t mean what they do when we’re younger. Just throw the food at me, give me a back massage or a foot massage or something like that, and I’m in heaven. :)

Speaking of Bob, Tom chatted with him earlier on the way to pick up the mail. He was stringing Christmas lights.

On the 17th, Tom’s department is being treated to bowling, free food, and the chance to win things in raffles. Wish I could go with him. Not just for the free food and raffles (bowling I could take or leave, though it’s better than tennis), but to meet his coworkers. They’re not allowed to bring anybody, though. It’s their own private company party.

Got a birthday card from Eileen. So nice of her. :) She always remembers me.

Picked out some crockpot recipes I’ll want to try and Zudded my mugs. Zud is the only product that dissolves coffee and tea stains from mugs in seconds.

We’re going to hit freezing tonight and are at our coldest. Wish it was May, but would settle for March. We reversed the fan in the living room where the cathedral ceilings are to push the warmer air down.

I’m going to express myself freely in this journal entry but limit what parts of it I share with others. I just don’t want to offend anyone or be misunderstood. This entry is NOT aimed at anyone in particular, but just those I’ve dealt with in general. I know some people think I’m “not accepting” their opinion, but that’s not the issue. I can promise you that much. It’s when I feel like one is trying to control and change me and when they can’t just love/like and accept me as I am that I have a problem. Lecturing someone about the dangers of smoking I can see. But harmless, mundane shit that makes them happy? 

I honestly don’t get how the hell Alison would want to be friends with Kim and Molly, for example, and even she told me earlier tonight that she understands that her thought process is rather complicated and she can totally see why I don’t get why she’d want to associate with delusional liars that have caused her and others so much grief. BUT… that is HER right. I’m not going to try to talk her out of or harp on it for hours and make her feel like I’m trying to push her into dumping them or like she’s wrong to be the way she is. What works for some doesn’t work for everyone. Furthermore, it’s not important. Her health and happiness are what’s important. She said she sometimes feels the need to have crazy, selfish, weird, demanding friends same as normal ones, and hey, that’s her right. 

There are a lot of things I don’t understand. I can’t imagine having 4 kids for the life of me. I can’t imagine being a poor oppressed woman with little to no rights in the Middle East forced to marry a stranger and be nothing but a sex toy. 

Why do people like porn? Why do people think God is good? Why do people support groups of people that are a menace to society? I could go on and on with all I don’t get, and while I’m not afraid to express my opinion I’m not about to try to push my ways on anyone either and rub shit in their faces I know they’re either not interested in or don’t want to hear. As long as people are happy and no one’s getting hurt in the process I try to live and let live. Now if you find it fun as hell to let your dog bark at my expense or to let your kids tear up our place, then I don’t care how happy you may be. I’m drawing the line at that point. 

I realize I just can’t be a universal people-pleaser. For a while, I tried to be what others wanted me to be because I hate to see people sad or uncomfortable in any way. I want those I care about to be happy, and when you’re raised with the kind of control freak I was raised by who was obsessed as hell with “normal,” you become overly eager to please. Through time I learned to live my life for me and then for both Tom and I. Is that selfish? Maybe so. Is that wrong? Probably. But if it feels right to us and it works for us and it makes us happy, we see no need to change things, but that does NOT mean we’re not open to possible change either. LOL, I swear we aren’t. We don’t “refuse” to make friends, but we’re not going out of our way to either. 

The next Thursday I’m available at 9:30 I’m going to take a walk down to the clubhouse to check out the painting class they have. If I make friends, fine. If I don’t, that’s fine too. I don’t have any set rules on that. The only “rules” I have is that I won’t keep those in my life that I feel are bringing me down in any way, and if that’s wrong too, so be it. I’m not going to feel guilty for purging my life of toxic people like Kim and Molly or apologize for it. 

Ok, onto Alison and why I’ve chosen to set my journals private for a while. It’s not forever or anything like that, but just for a while. Then when I feel comfortable enough going public again, I’m going to stick to more generic things and keep personal things more to myself. I understand that what one accepts, someone else is going to have a problem with whether it’s something big or trivial as hell, though I’m sure people will always find something I write to complain about from the food I eat to the color of my walls. People like to criticize those they don’t get or who aren’t like them. I know this. 

Another reason for going private for a while is because, well, I get tired of all the damn censoring. Did I remember to take out this one’s last name, did I remember to omit that one’s address? I want to write for me. Again, am I being selfish? Maybe so. But this is the way I want it for a while. I can’t offend people if I keep my big mouth shut, and people can’t use against me what info I don’t give them. 

Alison emailed me and apologized for the things she did, admitted she’s not perfect and understands why I’m pissed at her, but to please keep her out of my blogs. I realize that my bitching about her in public like I did was indeed wrong. I shouldn’t have even gone to Andy with it, though she doesn’t know that. It wasn’t anyone’s business. It was between us and I should’ve kept it that way. 

I’ve been offending people like crazy with big things and small things, important things, and non-important things. I don’t want to hurt or upset people anymore. At least not for a while. I want to write for me and not for the world. This way I can be as open and as honest as I can without having to restrict myself and watch what I say. A part of me almost misses the days before online blogging existed. I’m still going to keep the blogs going, regardless of whether they’re public or private because I enjoy all the different site features that I use (until they change) and I’m not gonna be private forever. 

I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend to some people and that I can’t always be what they’d like me to be or think I should be, but I do try my best. Right now I want to be selfish with both my writing and my life so I have the writing freedom I miss, then I’ll share, and not so much as to conform to what others want, but to be a little more, IDK, normal? 

Andy had me laughing my ass off when I described playing with Sugar and how he’d jump all over me and lavish me with kisses, saying that’d be traumatic to others. LOL, yeah, their worst nightmare come to life straight out of a horror movie. 

Later… 

I think a good time to go public again is when I finally get all the editing and copying done of old journals. I’m editing on MD and LJ, then copying to Blogger and PB. 

Tom asked what I want to do on my birthday and I reminded him that he’s going to be working all day and I’m going to be sleeping all day. Most of it anyway. But he’s going to bring home a shitload of KFC for me, which will make me plenty happy enough. :) 

We ordered about $250 worth of stuff on Amazon – a new phone for him, a set of 3 tropical trees for me, a squirrel with a nut in its mouth for my little animal collection, some pink floral contact paper for the boring orangy brown floral contact paper that’s in here, plus a few other things. 

Each tree is one big branch with triple heads and two will go in the bedroom while one goes in the living room just as soon as I get pots for them. 

All’s been quiet on Ask #1. Maybe Alison being friends with Kim and Molly is doing me a favor of sorts. Maybe it’s keeping them off my ass cuz they feel the need to behave and not stir me up so I don’t go whining to Aly about it and risking their friendship. 

Anyway, she adamantly denies being behind the Karli account or copying Adonis’s writing style or pointing a finger at me, but does admit to leaving some comments in defense of Molly, despite agreeing that she deserves some of what she gets. Do I believe her? I’m not sure. 

She insists she has had cancer and really does work for the FBI and wouldn’t use her hacking skills for her personal life. Do I believe her? Yes, I do. 

Aly may have some strange ways and may not always be as honest as she should be, but she could never be as remotely fucked in the head as Kim and Molly. Never. Alison’s just one of those that’s hard to stay mad at for long. We’ve shared a lot since we met in 2008. 

She said something about a whole shitload of stuff going on I don’t know about that has to do with money. She said not even her parents know the whole story and that her job is on the line. She said she’s afraid everyone would blame her and that she’ll look bad if the info gets into the wrong hands, which could make things harder for her. It’s in the Department of Labor now, whatever it is. Not sure what this has to do with anything, but hopefully it will all work out.

"Andy doubts Alison is with the FBI," Tom informed me. "If she were, she wouldn’t associate with such crazy trolls."

These trolls have a history dating back to before Alison joined the FBI. They all met on kiwibox.com, where I also first encountered Alison. I met her in 2008, a few years after she connected with the others.

Despite Tom's skepticism about Alison's FBI affiliation, I'm inclined to believe she is. It's a gut feeling based on what I've observed and what she's disclosed to me. However, it does seem peculiar for an FBI analyst to have such unconventional friends, especially one who struggles to follow through on tasks like Alison does. I was excited about the prospect of us blogging together on Prosebox, but true to form, she abandoned the account after just one entry. Even her Kim M account only managed one post, and I've never read one of her stories in its entirety. She always promises to send more but never follows through. It seems she can't seem to finish anything she starts… unless that's part of the game.

Regardless, I've severed ties with her on as many accounts as I could think of. Now, she'll either move on and forget about me, or she'll cause trouble for me and eventually herself.

I paused typing to delve into some investigation of my own. Upon reflection, I'm now questioning whether Kim truly texted Molly as her. I suspect it was actually Aly herself. Why would Alison befriend someone capable of such deceit if she genuinely believed Kim had impersonated her?

It's no wonder she used her real name on the Twitter account I was connected to. Initially, I found it odd for someone supposedly stalked to do so, when it would have been just as easy to use an alias. But they're friends. She wanted to be found. While they may have had their disagreements and fallouts, she's likely been friends with both trolls for most of the time she's known them and likely always will be.

I stumbled upon screenshots on Photobucket of Molly's old Kiwibox accounts. I remember those accounts; the site was on its last legs when I learned of Molly's existence through posts on KB. She reached out to me after the site underwent ownership changes and became something entirely different. From the onset, I sensed something was amiss when she, a complete stranger, wanted to discuss being raped. She denied ever being on KB or being Alison's friend. I wasn't equipped to handle rape victims, and I could tell something wasn't right. Initially, I tried to extricate myself gently, then firmly, but nothing worked. On a scorching summer day in 2009, Molly ensnared me, becoming a tool to reach Aly, the object of her obsession.

I also met Kim and Kathy through Alison, not on KB. Every individual I've met through Alison has turned out to be utterly unhinged. I recently had a dream where Alison wanted to introduce me to someone, and I screamed, "NOOOOO!!!" I would indeed refuse. They'd be completely insane. I was likely the only sane friend she had, and now that I'm gone, she's adrift amidst a sea of madness, but it seems that's what she prefers.

Anyway, the screenshots mostly consisted of Molly lamenting in her journal about not having wronged Alison, Kim, and Kathy, then expressing regret for hurting them, etc. Will she take screenshots of my journals next? LOL. When you put something out there in the public, it's fair game.

I uncovered a slew of accounts on various social networking sites, as expected, but nothing particularly thrilling. I had forgotten about the old spring.me account until I stumbled upon hers. I was connected to that.

I hadn't realized she was much heavier than me. I'm pretty heavy now, in the 140s, but she isn't anymore if she genuinely underwent cancer treatment. I believe she did. Nonetheless, she used to be significantly larger. Despite that, she has a pleasant face and great hair. Her hair is probably her best feature. I wish I had straight hair like hers.

Anyway, I couldn't confirm whether she's with the FBI, but she is definitely AKP in the state of Nebraska and 32 years old.

I've been editing my own journals (the parts I posted online) to make them more readable for others. When I wrote them, I wrote solely for myself, never envisioning I'd share them with the world someday. Consequently, I often omitted details or explanations.

The Japanese anime dolls arrived from China the other day. They're unlike any dolls I've had before, more akin to miniature figurines. These are my first dolls since 2008, shortly after moving into the trailer.

Later...

From Mya: First of all, Alison isn't with the FBI because she wouldn’t have merely "thought" of calling Kim’s local police department or contacting Kim’s family; she would've taken action. The FBI holds significant authority, Jodi. Let go of the FBI idea. It was just another one of her tales. But should you really be discarding an otherwise good friendship? No one's perfect; we all tell little fibs here and there.

Mya is absolutely right. Look, I'm not perfect, and I've said and done things both online and offline that I shouldn't have. I don't deny that. I was the one who initially toyed with Molly on MO. But here's the thing, no one is that psychic. Alison KNEW it was me. The only way she could have known that would be to hack the site. I'm not saying she did hack in, but it definitely makes me wonder. How else could she have known? And as Mya pointed out, the only legitimate concern I should have is the possibility of being hacked, but that's a risk we all face. Anyone's account can be hacked by someone willing to risk jail, fines, and whatever else they may face for it, depending on local laws. I don’t worry she’ll hack my account to do anything malicious. She's not going to hack into my Facebook account to tell Nane I hate her. She might do things out of curiosity that she feels I wouldn't know about. Some of my accounts would be hard for her (or anyone) to hack without me knowing, but if she did manage to weasel into anything without tipping me off, I think it would be just to spy on me out of curiosity. I have nothing to hide, but I still don’t like the idea of anyone accessing my accounts without my permission. That's like someone entering my home without my consent.

Whether times were good or not, I can't continue being friends with someone who could lie to me as she has. It's not her association with the trolls that made me realize the good times aren't worth the high school drama that comes with it; it's the lies. Again, we all pull pranks, but on our friends? I was supposed to be her friend, and I'm sorry, but the kind of prank she pulled on me was just not friendly. She and Kim almost caused me to break up with Adonis over it, for God's sake. That alone really pisses me off. There are certain types of pranks you just don’t pull on your friends, you know? The kind of stuff she's pulled on me is usually reserved for those you don't like. But maybe she never really did like me, and she just pretended to, like Kim did. It's hard to believe, but anything's possible.

Anyway, it's the definite lies and the probable hacking that I have a problem with; not her choice of friends. Who people choose to have as friends and how many of them is up to them. I'm not concerned with that. But I am a bit concerned about those who seem to be worried about my own friend count. Why should it bother them? I just don't understand why they care. I'm happy this way. Get over it and accept me as I am. The more I'm hassled into being what others want me to be, the more I tend to pull away.

Andy said he's had friends he's never had disagreements with, and so have I, but what happened between Alison and me goes beyond a simple disagreement. A disagreement is when one says it’s hot while the other says it’s cold. This is about lies and deception. Also, we can't always know upfront who's going to end up wronging us.

I think I deserve better than liars and nutjobs, and I also don't appreciate being judged for how I choose to live. I'm not saying I am, but I'll be the one to decide who I'm friends with, whether it's online or offline. Got it? I'm not going to let others try to control and change me. I can't please the world, and I shouldn't have to. My health and happiness should be what's most important, and nothing else. If it's not, then maybe you're the one who's not happy, and maybe criticizing others makes you happy. I was criticized when I was miserable, and I'll be criticized when I'm happy. That's just life. The world is always going to be full of control freaks who expect us to conform to their liking. I could come back tomorrow and say, "Hey, everybody! I made new in-person friends, lost 30 pounds, and got a job," and then they would just find something else to feel “sad” about, even if it makes me (and Tom) happy. Well, guess what? I'm not going to take a “wish list” of everybody’s hopes and desires for me/us and become that list! Live with it or don’t have anything to do with me. Yes, yes, the color of your socks is very important to me, and I’m going to cry a bucket of tears if you tell me they’re gray! *rolls eyes*

It's not just about trust issues, though. It's true that part of my desire to keep the friends I have and not make new ones is because there are a lot of jerks out there. I don't want to get burned to the point where I become so insecure that I can't even trust my own husband or best friends when they tell me they have a headache or ate a pizza the day before.

Also, even if everyone were suddenly perfect, I simply have no desire to make new friends any more than I have the desire to take up golf. I have enough long-distance and mutual friends, and I can only divide my attention between so many people anyway. I would still prefer to make new friends that I had no mutual friends with than to do the friend-mixing thing if I absolutely had to choose. That can really, really be asking for trouble.

I don't expect any of my friends to be perfect, but I don't appreciate being lied to either. I'm not 100% sure Aly was behind the comments and accounts, but I'm pretty close. I'm in the upper 90s in that case. Too many coincidences, and I don't believe in coincidences. Another thing was the instant access to MO she claimed wasn't possible before. She told me she was using some crappy laptop that wouldn't let her on MO, but then she conveniently happened to be at work borrowing a coworker's laptop at the time I notified her of the Karli M account, and she was suddenly, miraculously able to see it. Wow, huh? Wow! And I should see the good side of her? Sorry, but she's blocking that side from view with a bit too much bad if you ask me.

I wonder just how closely she’s followed all my blogs, private and not. Honestly, I didn’t think she was that interested in it to follow it that often. I thought she just peeked in every now and then, as rarely did she show up on sites I can track. I really believed she was this incredibly busy person who spent little time online, but her Twitter account (she’s probably got it hidden by now) says otherwise. She’s online on and off all day and seems to have a lot of time on her hands. I don’t know if it’s with a friend’s device at work, a laptop, a desktop, or an iPhone, but online is online no matter how you get there.

Couldn’t resist a peek at one of Aly’s Twitter accounts where she tweets: "Each one of us has more layers and sides than we'll ever know. If you can honestly live with happiness and limited regrets then be thankful."

Is she saying she can’t live with happiness? Well, she is always miserable in the emails she sends, be it with some physical ailment or depression, but maybe that’s how she’s always been and maybe she likes it that way.

This and other tweets of hers suggest she read last night’s rant, but she’s either going to the blog that can’t be tracked or she’s dodging trackers. I just made both MD diaries private. Now the only way to follow me is to be tracked or deal with dodging trackers. I have a very strong feeling that the trolls aren’t going to have the guts to show up on my tracker. Molly gladly will. She likes being seen and rubbing her unwanted presence in my face, but there’s no way Kim or even Aly would at this point. I’ll be watching, though, and we’ll see. We’ll also see what kiddy shit they dish at me on Ask, too. I can’t wait. Meanwhile, things have been oddly quiet in Shitville all day and night. The calm before the storm?

Later…

I’m being mean to the rats tonight, LOL, and keeping them in the laundry room instead of out here in the living room with me. I love the hell out of them, but these guys just get too rambunctious, noisy, clingy, and desperate for attention. They really are a lot like dogs. They don’t bark, they don’t need shots, they don’t need to be taken outside to poop and pee, but their behavior and other needs are basically the same. I guess any animal of intelligence would thrive on human companionship as well as that of their own kind, but sometimes I just need a break from all the begging and the way they go wild and love to run around the place and distract me when I’m trying to write or do other things.

Sugar was funny as hell the other night. I had been busy with the painting all day, finally let him out to get some exercise, along with his roommate who has become much braver and friendlier since winning him his beloved feather wand, and he took off chasing me. He tried to jump up and grab my leg, then as soon as I hit the floor he leaped onto me and was wagging his tail and licking my face as if he hadn’t seen me in years. I hate to see how he’ll react when we return from Hawaii. I just know that when we’re there that will be the only time I’ll wish these rats weren’t that exciting like Bendejo and his brother that we had before Tink.

Tom spent most of the day rearranging the workshop and gutting old shelves and drawers that he doesn’t want. For now, they are being stored on the patio located behind the workshop till they do the next bulk pickup. We have an enclosed but roofless patio back there that’s great for storing things that aren’t valuable. It’s where we keep our bikes and stuff like that. So it’s like having two storerooms, one indoors, one outdoors.

No hip pain after yesterday’s run, but my front thigh muscles sure are sore. I still don’t get why they get so sore so easily. I didn’t overdo it or anything like that, so I guess I am just getting old.