I'm grateful not only for friends and family, but just to be ALIVE. In 2004, God took our Arizona home. A few months later He took our Oregon land. In 2008, He took Tom's job. In 2011, He took our benefits and nearly killed us. In 2012, we pulled our foot out of the grave and fought back. In 2013, we went home. In 2014, we're going to Hawaii and He ain't gonna get this place, too!

Not even after the close call Tom had at work. They laid off about 20 people, some having worked there a lot longer than he has. I suppose a future layoff is inevitable. Just like those running their own businesses risk losing business, those working for others risk layoffs. This is why we’re determined to keep the savings up. It wouldn’t take just a few weeks to get a new job. Nor would he be any younger or less white. All jobs will eventually fire or lay you off whether you deserve it or not. I still fear we’ll eventually return to struggling. God has the power (and the proven hatred for us in the past) to see to it that just the right events occur to make that happen no matter what we do. If it took a long time to get another job, bye-bye savings and bye-bye to any hope of building it back up if it pays shitty.

On the bright side, there are only so many more years we could struggle. Even if he got shit pay from now till age 66, we could still retire comfortably enough then. So God’s only got about a decade to play money games with us, then He’ll have to pick on our health or something, and by that time we’ll be getting older, thus more likely to develop problems anyway. Guess that’s just life for you; if it isn’t one thing it’s another.

Someone had an interesting theory they brought to my attention the other day. What if there is no God or devil, they said. And what if the good and the bad that happen to us are influenced by the spirits of the dead?

Interesting theory. If this is the case, then I had more dead enemies than dead friends for a while there.

It was 64° when I went for my run just as the sun dipped below the horizon so I wouldn’t be blinded by it. It was about twenty after four. Lots of traffic about, and judging by the number of cars parked out there (there are 3 across the street in front) I’d say Christmas could be more active than one might think for a retirement community. Some houses have up to 5 cars, and one of the dead ends had cars parked all along the sides. At one point a couple of girls in their 20s came out for a smoke, and there were more people out and about than one may assume.

Minus the multi-hour basketball games, barking and loud music, there could be a lot of traffic and people hanging outside like visiting kids. I thought I heard a few kids when I was waking up. Probably those two girls that visit the house around the corner.

Another week and things will be back to normal, even if it means they’ll resume open house across the street and I’ll have to deal with the traffic that brings. Really hope whoever buys the place rarely comes and goes like the people across the street in front, cuz the car doors would be annoying. More so than next door even though they’re 20’ away and not 50’. Next door has a garage in which they do most of their door slamming, but across the street has just a carport. So until our own garage is up, it could get obnoxious if it’s often enough. I’m sure God will see to it that like most people, they come and go at least a few times a day.

Anyway, the person who suggested my lower backache could be from shortened hamstrings due to running and who suggested I bend forward and hold the stretch seems to have helped. Thanks! I’ve been much better the last few days. Still losing some hip flexibility, though, but our tendons and ligaments shorten with age so that’s probably why.

Tom injured his own hip the other night in bed. He rolled over and heard something pop and has had hip pain ever since if he bends over very far.

And back down the scale I go. The back pain is up and down same as my weight, but tonight it’s down, luckily. 

Tammy left a 5-minute message and after hearing about her knee troubles and all the pain that shit’s still bringing the poor girl, she said my animal collection was cute but get rid of the fucking snake. I burst out laughing at that one, LOL. 

Nane left a cute little Santa dressed in pink on my wall and I returned one in blue, her favorite color. 

My raccoon was supposed to arrive today, but instead I got the prairie dog trio. So cute! 

Later… 

The raccoon did arrive after all. Didn’t expect them to come as late as 8:30, so I guess they either had the code to the gate or were already in the park making deliveries after the gate shut. It took him forever to find the damn thing after he pulled up, but my raccoon is a little cutie. 

We might check into boarding the rats at a vet or something like that while we’re gone. I know they’d be just fine, but it’d still be nice if they could be around people. Even if I had friends and family nearby, no one would want to take them cuz they either have cats or dogs or they’re afraid of them. It’s just that the vet probably isn’t gonna let them run around loose or give them hugs and kisses and treats. Also, there may be loud barking there that may scare them. 

They’re doing laundry time right now. When I don’t want them distracting me with their nocturnal racket they get kicked out of the living room and sent to play in the laundry room, haha. 

Looked up some facial exercises on YouTube and while I’m not overly appearance-conscious I am curious to see if they actually work. So I’m doing one that lifts droopy eyelids, plumps thin lips, and lifts turkey necks and droopy jowls. 

Ok, this fatty, who is ironically still smaller than your average US woman, is going to get in a 20-30 minute cardio/strength workout. 

No views from Mommy or Molly – wow! How long can they restrain themselves, though? One day? Two? A week tops? Wonder if it’s because they’ve gone out of town for the holidays.

So now the mother and daughter team that’s been cyberstalking me is looking up Google web cache snapshots to view stuff of mine on LiveJournal that is now private and that they are blocked from. What a great way to beat the block too, since this is an image of a page and not the actual page itself, thus preventing the block from being triggered.

Do they think this is funny or something? Well, I don’t! This die-hard obsession of theirs is getting downright creepy. Just what is it they think they’re looking for anyway? Why are they constantly digging for what they think will hold such interest for them? Do they think I have some secret formula hidden in my blog for eternal youth? Or one that will make them rich?

I see a lot of a certain black bitch in Arizona in Mommy Dearest, and that’s what makes it scarier. It isn’t that I fear they’ll come hunt me down and kill me, but more of a fear of being legally victimized even though I haven’t done a damn thing wrong. I guess it’s a normal paranoia to have after what happened in Arizona until I was vindicated. Again, I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t see how they could screw me. But how the hell do I know that they don’t have their own cop friend ready and willing to fabricate false evidence against me? I totally, totally see a vengeful side come out in this woman whenever she’s contacted me. She may be just as crazy as her daughter in some ways, and she may be just as big of a liar, but she’s got some intelligence, and she’s definitely the type that won’t hesitate to spite someone she doesn’t like no matter who gets hurt along the way. I know her type. Hell-bent on revenge.

Anyway, it’s wondering what the hell is motivating them that’s a little scary. Crazy has no logic and there may be no logic to crazy, but the mother’s more mean and vindictive than crazy. Surprised she hasn’t reset her IP# to get through the block. I went private on blogs I know they know about, though, so blocks don’t matter at this point. But looking for cached stuff from before I went private is a bit chilling for some reason. These people have made it clear that they hate my guts. Therefore, my blogs should be of absolutely NO interest to them whatsoever. Maybe someday they will FINALLY quit worrying about what I’m doing and just move on. There’s no need or reason to keep trying to view my stuff. That’s why I worry they suddenly think it’s their job to “supervise” me and are looking for ways to “get” me.

Later…

I was pleased to wake up with no back pain at all. But a few hours later I went for a quick run, and the pain returned for a while. WTF? So is it caused by running or my mattress? Well, I have a doctor’s appointment next month. I’ll see if I can find out what’s up then.

Last night I made an egg brunch in the slow cooker and did more cooking than I usually do in a year. Had to look online to learn that a "clove" of garlic isn't the entire thing of garlic. Thank goodness I didn't mince and dump the whole thing in! And thank goodness for the Internet, too.

Anyway, it takes 8-10 hours to cook and serves almost a dozen. You mince garlic, onion, and green bell pepper and sauté it. Then you put layers of hash browns, shredded cheese, the veggies, and bacon bits in the cooker. After you mix a dozen eggs and some dill, salt, and pepper in a bowl with a cup of milk, you pour it on top of the concoction. I was worried at first the cooker wouldn't be big enough. It was, though, and it even shrunk down a few inches after it cooked a while.

The food came out surprisingly and disappointingly bland. It was a lotta work for a lotta boringness. Some cook I am! I'll stick to writing and languages. Hell, I can even sing a million times better than I can cook.

Gained 2 pounds in 2 days. Ok, so I’m not going to lose weight after all. Didn’t really think I would. I usually bounce within the same 5-pound range depending on where I am in my cycle.

Dishonest or not, I decided to tell Andy and Tammy we’ll be at a coworker’s of Tom’s during Christmas, but for different reasons. No matter how understanding one may be, people just don’t get my type of sleep disorder unless they have it too, so rather than tell Tammy, “Sorry, we can’t call cuz I’ll be sleeping all day,” which may sound a little weird, we’ll just be elsewhere that day. I’ll tell the same thing to Andy so I don’t have to hear how sad he is that we spent it alone, even though Christmas is just like any other day to us.

Later…

A few people have asked for my thoughts and opinions on the gay/straight/bi thing, so I thought I’d answer here. Well, I don’t think anyone’s really ever 100% straight or 100% gay. I think people are various degrees of bisexual instead. This doesn’t mean that every single one of us is regularly attracted to both genders or that we’d act on our fantasies, but it’s hard to believe there isn’t a woman on earth who considers herself straight who hasn’t been attracted to another woman if only for a fleeting moment, and even if she’d never act on it. Same with the gay guy that may idolize a woman he really looks up to or that passes him on the street.

I realize that many people would say it “doesn’t count” if they either never act on their feelings or they only do so once or twice, but I guess we have our own definitions of what makes us and others who we are.

Some have asked me why I married a man when I’ve been attracted to a larger number of women than men. The answer is that his looks, but mostly his award-winning personality, was just so extreme in a positive kind of way. It’s like checking out a handful of blue shirts in a store, all of which you like very much. But then you come across this one green shirt that’s truly outstanding and takes your breath away. Well, Tom was that green shirt.

I have always said that as long as one is happy, it’s mutual, and no minors or force is involved, to each their own.

The mouse figure came today, and I took a pic of it with the squirrel. It’s much smaller than I thought it’d be but amazingly detailed, as expected.

Someone in Mesa, AZ made a direct jump to my Blogger blog and spent an hour in it. I always wonder if it’s someone I once knew. Whoever they are, they appear to be in an apartment complex, so if it’s someone I know it’s not likely to be any of Tom’s siblings.

Worse was that Molly or her mother got to spend over a minute on that blog. They were kicked right out of LiveJournal, though. As annoyed as I am that they just can’t let go, ignore me and move on, and as much as it proves they’re both the biggest liars on earth since they both said they wouldn’t return or pay any attention to me, the thought of Mommy Dearest (that’s who I think it was) reading the crazy dream I had about her equally crazy daughter before getting redirected to play with sex dolls is rather amusing, hahaha.

Anyway, they’ve lost their reading privileges, and I decided that depriving them was more important than leaving those blogs public. Those two blogs don’t get much traffic anyway, so I’m not depriving myself or any sane, genuine followers by making them private. I suppose it’ll make them look harder for the ones they don’t know about yet, but I should know about it when they find them.

I keep waking up with back pain, and Andy keeps telling me to get a massage. I appreciate his concern and advice, but Tom will gladly massage my back for free, and regardless of who massages it, the pain’s only gonna keep returning. I’m pretty sure it has to do with my mattress, which sucks. I really like this mattress a lot. I can lay on it to read for an hour or so, and I’m fine. It’s only after I’ve fallen asleep that I wake up with lower back pain and can’t lay on my stomach or my side unless I have the body pillow jammed between my knees. After I’ve been up and moving about and I bend over and hold that stretch for a minute or so, I’m fine again. Hate to think I might need a new mattress. And what mattress would I get???

Ran my usual 28 blocks today, even though I’m up a pound. It’s common to zigzag down the scale and not drop steadily like a rock, but it still won’t kill me to stay 20-25 pounds overweight if that’s what I do. Gaining that much more isn’t ok, though, so I gotta keep running. I just can’t get my calories down. I need my 1500 a day! Might even be closer to 2000 today since it is Saturday.

Hazel was out sweeping the whole time, of course. That woman looks so frail you’d think a strong gust of wind would snap her in half like a twig. At least the second time around she was actually gathering leaves with her broom. The first time she was just aimlessly swiping the broom at nothing.

Later…

Curious to see what she’d do, I commented on one of Michelle’s posts about the dinner she cooked earlier tonight. She usually “likes” her comments. Sure enough, mine wasn’t “liked.” I’m only keeping her and her sister because of Norma. Once Norma dies, her daughters are gone.

Aly got a kick out of those Molly dreams. Supposedly, with some special attachments, Molly could drive, but she doesn’t think she ever will. I hope not! She also said she probably would laugh at driving on the wrong side of the road.

She said Molly swears it’s not her that went to my blog but her mother in order to “make sure” I’m not bashing her or Marbridge. And what if I were? Would she come and spank me for it? Really, who the hell does this woman think she is, my mother, too? It’s not her job to supervise me!

Thought I’d do some writing now since Tom has gone into the other room to relax with a movie and enjoy some solitude after dealing with the idiots he works with all day long.

That was the fastest I ever received a package! We ordered the animals last night and by 12:30 the snake and hermit crab arrived. Love my new “pets!” An animal figurine album is definitely in order now that my collection is growing.

Anyway, my snake and crab look amazingly detailed and realistic. The eastern diamondback is a little smaller than the western diamondback. They’re about 3 feet. We lived with the western rattler for 5 years, and those are closer to 5 feet long.

I am learning that the people here are friendly but not very sociable. They’ll happily stop and chat with you on the streets, in the clubhouse, or at the pool, but they don’t invite you to their homes or suggest you go out to eat, shop, or whatever. I guess that’s the whole idea of being here, though, and that they came here for the same reasons we did; they want civilized neighbors but they don’t want to be bothered. So while it’s nice that I’ve met a few people and I know I could run next door if I needed a ride somewhere, I see no reason to feel guilty for doing what works for me simply because it’s not for everyone. My happiness is just as important as yours and well, if you’ve got a problem with my lifestyle, that’s exactly what it is – YOUR problem. I am, however, not going to go out of my way to avoid people either, as I said before.

Andy caught up on my latest journal entries and in regards to the one where I said I could never keep a rape child cuz I’d see the rapist every time I looked at it, “What if I saw me?” Good, interesting, and very thought-provoking question. I’m 99% sure I’d have gotten rid of it, but am glad I will never be in that situation to know for sure what I’d do or what I’d see.

He too was suspicious of the cable company’s note about the leakage, but Tom verified that it was left here by accident and that everything on our account looked fine. If it was someone up to no good they’d keep coming back.

Later…

Above is a pic of my dog, cat, horse, and cow. The prairie dog family is to arrive tomorrow. I’ll take a pic of them along with my squirrel next.

Last night’s dreams were both scary and funny. I didn’t go preacher punching but I sure got the ride of my life from Molly! :( In the first dream, she supposedly had a kid with someone at the group home. I thought it odd that she never mentioned the kid (which I assumed was living with her parents) in any of her blogs. Then I was sending her mother a holiday card saying that even though she’s “scary” at times, I wish her and her family the best throughout the holidays. LOL, definitely not anything I’d ever do!

Where it got scary was when Molly was driving me home. She doesn’t drive for real, but in the dream, she kept swerving onto the wrong side of the road, and I had to keep screaming at her to pull over. Every time I did, she would just laugh as if the possibility of a head-on collision was the funniest thing she ever heard of.

The only other negative dream was stepping on a scale and finding I’d gained almost everything back I’ve lost since we moved here. Good thing I was down another two-tenths for real. Part of that may be cuz I ended up sleeping forever. I kept waking up with lower back pain, something I still get even on this comfy bed if I lie in the same position for too long. I also had one weird dream after another.

The funny one took place at the clubhouse here. I casually wandered in and found the old folks sitting at several long tables. I smelled food cooking and asked someone what was going on. They told me that for $1.30 a day, you could get lunch there. Just as I was about to head home, figuring I could get my own lunch, a woman behind a long counter called out, “Cheeseburgers!”

The supposedly old and feeble residents of this lovely park suddenly jumped up, some so fast they knocked their chairs over, and ran like kids to the counter, squeezing and pushing each other in hopes of being the first ones served. LOL

Kim is supposedly up to her usual tricks on Twitter, according to Aly. I promised to keep it out of public, but apparently, there’s a lesbian who’s in love with one of the actresses from Full House. Kim uploaded a pic of that actress and is pretending to be her. The lesbian fell for it hook, line, and sinker and so now Kim’s pretending to be a lesbian who’s now got a crush on the poor woman that’s got a crush on the actress she’s impersonating.

One really has to feel sad, lonely, and like they are nothing in society to continue to do this year after year. It’s the only way she gets attention and feels special in any way. I don’t like the idea of deceiving people, but I also feel bad for her in a way. She’s over 300 pounds with the mentality of a kid and probably has never even been kissed let alone fucked. I hope she doesn’t dream of marriage, children, or both, cuz this is someone that will probably never experience the love of a good man or woman. She’ll never have any money unless she wins it, and she’ll never have any real purpose in life other than to live in a fantasy world like she does day after day. At the same time, I feel bad for her, I don’t. She is the biggest liar I have ever encountered in my life. My problem with people isn’t just a lack of trust in them thanks to all their lies, stupidity, and phoniness, it’s that I fucking HATE them. Most of them anyway. The few good ones that I know really help to make up for the assholes, and for them, I am grateful and I am glad to have them be a part of my life.

Decided to send a "Thinking of You" message to Michelle's wall and inquire why I haven't heard from her. She PM'd me to say she's been going through a rough time. Do I buy it? Not really. She manages to keep in touch with enough other people, but that's okay.

Now I know why my dear sister asked if we liked Amazon when we last spoke by phone. We received a card with a $30 gift card enclosed! How nice of her and Mark. Since Tom has a gift card he got from work, I used it to add five more figurines to my animal collection – a white mouse, an eastern diamondback rattlesnake, a hermit crab, a raccoon, and a prairie dog family. Presently in my collection are a dog, cat, cow, horse, squirrel, and a tigress with her cub.

I guess that when Tom gets the 3D printer he wants, we can eventually print our own animals. These things are solid plastic through and through. Not hollow molds. So how it can do that is beyond me, but it sounds amazing. We'd have to paint them, but I guess there are 3D models online it can follow. Sounds like it'd be fun. Imagine the rat printing I could do, haha.

Thanks to Nane helping to "Germanize" me more and more, I could understand the German that's sprinkled in the book I'm currently reading and could discern that "Männer sind Schweine" means "men are pigs." And then I accidentally sent her funeral flowers, LOL. I saw these pretty blue flowers and placed them on her wall, but I guess "Friedhofs" are commonly placed on people's graves in Germany. Oops! LOL

Aly had a funny dream where I was in my 30s and marrying a beautiful woman with long black hair and tanned skin. I wore a light pink tuxedo. The preacher asked me to repeat back that I promised to love, honor, and obey "Janessa" and I punched him in the stomach, screamed that I didn't obey anyone but myself, then kissed Janessa before throwing her over my shoulder and taking off running. My friend woke up muttering "Never a dull moment with my Jodi." LOL

This had me laughing so hard when I read it! At barely 5 feet, I doubt I could throw anyone over my shoulder and run off with them, but I just might punch someone in the gut for telling me what to do, LOL. Especially after all I’ve been through in life having to do for this one or do for that one. There comes a time when we have to get a little selfish. I reached my selfish point somewhere between the late '90s and early 2000s.

Thoughts finally deleted Molly's so-called blog, but I’m sure she’ll be up to her old tricks elsewhere. I’m beyond caring anymore, though. As long as she and her crazy mother stay away from me and leave me alone, I don’t give a damn where she’s blogging about what, and I don’t want to know about it either. Had to laugh, though, before they shut her down because she created another account on Thoughts as "librarygirl30" to defend herself after I defended myself against her slanderous bullshit. Well, not only is the username obvious as hell because she uses similar ones all the time, but so was the “Hi Molly. Thanx for calling me. I be your friend here. Hey Molly, what's up with this? Why does she say such terrible things about you? She sounds like a psycho. I see why you don’t like her. I going back to Marbridge next Thursday. when you coming back.”

Now perhaps she and Mommy will allow me to file them away as nothing but a nasty memory, or I will be going to their state if that’s the only way to stop them from being the on-and-off problem they have been for five years now. She emails Aly and I guess she's both pissed and worried. She should've thought before she acted, shouldn’t she have? Also, the story went from mommy not allowing her online at home or at Marbridge, but now she can be online so long as she doesn’t mention me. Like she’s really going to listen to her mother? The more you tell her to go right, the more she goes left.

Later…

Looped around Radiance after going up and down Oak Lakes, putting my run closer to two miles or even a little bit more. Still losing weight, but it’s going super slow. I was always a slow loser who could never lose more than a few pounds a month. Still not totally sure a significant amount will come off, but if it does (like the recurring dreams suggest) I’m about a year away from an ideal weight. WebMD says I’m currently 21 pounds overweight, but “ideal” in my book would be closer to 30. Again, I’m not counting on any major loss, but am loving the feeling the running gives me. It definitely helps to stretch and cool down afterward, but it’d be nice if I could remember to warm up, too. I keep forgetting!

Running every other day is working out well. On off days, I work my arms and abs which don’t get as much of a workout compared to my legs when I’m running. Running every other day keeps me looking forward to it, too. If I did it every day, I might get bored with it.

If I was sweating my ass off on a windy day of 59°F, I wonder how the hell I’ll manage to run when it’s dead calm and in the 90s? I’m definitely going to have to run at night when summer comes. Maybe even when the spring comes.

Strange that Aly and I have not only had dreams of me being thin but in my 30s. Only being in my 30s would be quite a nightmare for me. I miss having good vision, but having a husband who’s eight years older is a big enough age difference.

He cracked me up earlier. I finished cleaning the kitchen before the robot finished vacuuming the front part of the house. Tom was watching it sail across the room and asked if it remembered what parts it had already done.

“I guess it does,” I told him. “The manual said it would. But hey, it does what it does.”

Tom started laughing then and said, “You don’t supervise your employees?”

LOL!

Still keep going back and forth in my mind as far as what accounts I want to keep and how I want them set up.

Deactivated my first Ask account again because I answer enough questions elsewhere, some intelligent, some stupid, some ludicrous.

Meanwhile, most of my blogs are public with Molly and Mommy Dearest being blocked on the ones I know they know about. A part of me laughs at the thought of just where Mommy will be redirected to the next time she tries to access my blog. You know, the one she said she wouldn’t return to? Well, she did for 28 seconds yesterday. Someone in that household did anyway.

I’m on Twitter again too, though I’m still not sure if I want to keep that account or if I want to protect my tweets or not.

The more I think about it, the more I think it was the mother who went to my blog Sunday night and not Molly. Molly wasn’t supposed to be home till Monday. I thought it weird that they landed at the beginning of that blog. Then I remembered Mrs. M was nosing around my bio, which was at the beginning, several months back. She probably bookmarked the page.

Am still working on trying to get Thoughts to help me, since the bitch lied about closing the blog, and left a comment in my defense, for whatever it may be worth, but am not expecting Thoughts to give a damn. That whole site has gone to hell and I don’t understand why anyone blogs there. I can’t stand them. I will NEVER blog there again. Almost all the features are buggy. If anything, though, it’s just one more piece of evidence against them until Thoughts deletes the blog if it remains unused for 6 months.

Comcast left a note yesterday (probably while I was out on my run) saying that a cable TV signal leakage has been detected here which can interrupt marine and aeronautical communication, so they have to come out to the house to investigate. I called Tom and he said he’d call them after work.

We also have to call my old eye doctor up in Auburn. They took it upon themselves to make an appointment for me on January 30th (not Tom, too?) but we’ll be in Hawaii then. We decided we would stick with this doctor after all. Auburn’s only half an hour away and I don’t want to have to start all over with a new doctor. Also, I miss the Chinese place just a few doors down. Their fried rice was to die for.

Had a dream I was suddenly 37 again and horrified at the thought since that made Tom nearly 20 years older. His being 8 years older and knowing women usually live longer than men is bad enough!

Enjoyed my run yesterday, even if it was to the tune of scattered mowers and blowers around the park. As I ran by one with a blower and saw he was wearing headphones to block the sound, I thought to myself, that’s ridiculous! Why don’t they just make the damn things softer? They’ve made fans and a million other things quieter, so why not these things? Then they wouldn’t have to wear headphones and those around them wouldn’t be so annoyed either.

Every day this week I’ve had to listen to both the park landscaping and various residents. Saw that they use a huge mower in the common areas that they stand on while they drive it. The results are lovely, but I’m so glad we don’t live adjacent to the main common space, as I would hate to have that thing coming up to our windows.

Today’s strength training day, since yesterday was cardio. My upper abs are now flat again so long as I lay on my back and suck them in. Below my belly button is that paunch we all complain about, but oh well. Can’t win ‘em all. Off to work my arms and those flat/bulging abs!

Later…

Andy will be offline for a couple of days while he has new flooring installed. I hate to say it but I kind of enjoy the break from him and Ask.

Was reading more about the Jodi Arias case. When it comes to those who have been victimized in various ways – physically, verbally, sexually, legally – I am astonished, ashamed and appalled by just how many people are quick to support the perps, quite often without learning the full story beforehand.

Travis Alexander’s family is being called “selfish” for wanting the taxpayers to help get the courts to seek “revenge” on Jodi. How ridiculous! If they wanted them to pay to throw her in jail cuz they didn’t like something she said, believes, or the style of her clothing, then of course that would be wrong. But I honestly don’t see how it’s “selfish” of them to want a brutal killer to pay for her crimes. Hell, I don’t even know her and I want to see her finally pay. I know she deserves death, but am expecting life. It’s better than nothing, though.

And what about the Jaycee Dugard case? IDK, but some of it just doesn’t ring true. I saw a lengthy interview of her and she just seems too normal for someone who was supposedly kidnapped and raped for 18 years. I don’t doubt that something happened, but she’s just too sane and too intelligent for having been through an ordeal so heinous. And what about the two kids she had with the monster? How can she stand to look at them knowing where they came from? They say a mother’s love knows no boundaries, but come on, there’s gotta be some limits. The second I had a child of rape I would get rid of it because every time I looked at it I would see HIM. I wouldn’t blame it for what happened and I know it wouldn’t be its fault, but I know I couldn’t stand to look at it. I don’t see why any woman would want anything her abductor/rapist could give her whether it was a child or a piece of jewelry.

And why did she pass up the numerous opportunities she had to escape? I know many say she was brainwashed and scared, but so were others who escaped their captors first chance they got. Jaycee didn’t have to be any different, did she? If she can be as smart as she is now, she could have and would have been smart enough to escape… without the journals and other “souvenirs” of her time there, including her captor/rapist’s kids.

Later…

Someone (probably Mommy Dearest since Harlingen hit my old Thoughts blog till I made it friends only, has been checking on and off all day for comments on the post where Molly uses my name. Well, they got to see the comment I left in defense of myself, for whatever good it may do. The mother is just as much of a liar as her daughter is, though. She knows about this blog and she knows about her WordPress blog, which she leaves a link to on her Ask account, yet she hasn’t made any attempts whatsoever to shut them down.

Tom called the cable company and it turns out that the notice about the leakage was placed on the wrong house. Then they better not turn our service off on the 22nd like they said they would if we didn’t call them!

Sugar’s got this new thing now when after we play for a while, he “takes” me into the kitchen and to the pantry door where he begs for a piece of Tootie Fruitie cereal. Haha, it’s so damn cute, too. I love that rat.

Romeo continues to be shy but manageable.

We’re thinking of setting up inside cameras so we can watch them and the house while we’re gone. We’re both 99% sure both them and the house will be fine. The park will keep an eye on the place. If our home in Phoenix was ok with a pack of drug-dealing welfare bums living next to it, I’m sure this house in a gated, ritzy community will be ok, too. The rats will be left with plenty of food and water, as well as each other to keep each other company since they often get depressed without other rats around.

Tom was hesitant to install the camera at first, saying there would be nothing we could do if anything did happen to the house or rats and we’d just be depressed by it. True, but the odds are nothing bad will happen, and having the camera and seeing everything ok would probably add to our peace of mind.

When I was out on my run yesterday observing the beauty around me within my gated, ritzy little neighborhood, I remembered back in 2007 when we were homeless. Although it was only for 36 hours, it was the longest 36 hours of our lives. How it pained me so to see my husband have to suffer after all his hard work, and to know that nothing up there gave a damn about us... but look at us now!

I’ve had no pain or stiffness since my last run and hopefully remembering to warm up and cool down before my runs will help. I found some videos just for runners that I follow.

Mrs. M's promise to remove Molly's so-called blogs turned out to be the bullshit I expected, but that's okay. I couldn't care less about what people read about me, whether false or true. Those who know me well understand the reality. I'm not bothered anymore, and once again, I regret deactivating this and that and making certain things private. I'm not the instigator here, so I refuse to run away.

I need to quickly devour a few hundred calories to fuel my nearly 2-mile run, and then I'll adjust settings later.

They were out three times yesterday next door, but everyone else stayed put all day except for the yellow house, which only left once. Where could a couple of old people possibly need to go three times a day??? I'm grateful they have a quiet vehicle, and our house is solidly built because it's just my luck to be closest to the one that comes and goes the most. When the sound machines are off and there's no music playing, I can faintly hear the car doors closing. It's nothing compared to when the house across the street sells, and there's regular traffic over there. I'm not looking forward to that at all.

The park was blowing the common area beyond next door yesterday, then someone was having work done on their house. Today, it's the gray house's turn for maintenance, and who knows what the park or other houses will be up to.

The after-work bowling party/raffle is today, so Tom will be late.

Later...

Stalking is still stalking even if it's mostly done within the gray areas of the law. But mark my words. Sooner or later, you will step further into the darkness... and I will be waiting. Waiting to bring the full force of the law down upon you. I have every right to be enraged when I am followed and watched by someone I want nothing to do with, and their being "disabled" or crazy is no excuse for their actions. It doesn’t make it okay. I also have every right to tell them to leave me alone and to take whatever legal and necessary action to make it stop. And make it stop, I will. Just because you may be too unwell to do what's right, those responsible for you can, and when they fail to do their job properly, the law can hold them accountable for monitoring the disturbed individuals within their care.

From now on, I refuse to run, hide, or make things private because of the lunatics in this world. If I choose to do so, it will be because it's my decision and not because of some deranged stalker. I will not hold back expressing myself about the situation, nor will I close off lines of communication. If they persist in contacting me after I've explicitly told them not to, let them incriminate themselves by building a case against themselves. It will only expedite legal action against them. However, I have blocked their latest IP# and informed my tracker not to notify me when they visit (even though the information is still being stored, just like with their provider). Ignorance truly is bliss.

But someday – someday – you’ll go too far.

Had a dream last night about preparing to leave for Hawaii, a flurry of activity as I bid farewell to our pet rats. In typical dream fashion, our house appeared vastly different from reality.

Yesterday, Tom and I kept busy, and despite some discomfort in one leg during my run, I pushed through. Today, I'll focus on household chores and my usual tasks, giving my muscles a day to recover.

Our search for plant pots at Walmart proved fruitless, but Tom had a stroke of genius, suggesting decorative wastebaskets instead. We reinforced them with chains before applying expanding foam to create sturdy bases. However, one basket seems unstable, requiring further attention. Despite their unconventional appearance, the plants look surprisingly lush. I may tweak them slightly to improve their aesthetics.

While cleaning the kitchen's plastic panels, we discovered the ubiquitous popcorn ceiling and discussed the possibility of installing recessed lighting in the future. A mishap resulted in a cracked panel, leading us to explore decorative alternatives, settling on scenic designs featuring skies and trees.

Later...

I find myself feeling a mixture of nerves and irritation towards an ongoing source of frustration in my life—Molly. Just as I began to entertain the hope that her situation at Marbridge was improving, she resorted to blatant lies and delusions. While her previous blog entries about me using only my first name were of little consequence, her recent use of my full name on a platform as searchable as thoughts.com crosses a line.

This pattern of behavior has persisted for far too long. While Molly hasn't divulged personal information like my address or social security number, her malicious falsehoods are deeply troubling. Despite the lack of direct threats, her actions constitute defamation, and I'm tempted to take legal action. However, the law offers limited recourse since she hasn't explicitly threatened me.

I'm frustrated by the powerlessness I feel in the face of Molly's erratic behavior. Sometimes, I wonder if more drastic measures are necessary to stop her. Her Internet access should be revoked given her unstable mental state and history of troubling behavior. Yet, the institutions responsible for her care seem oblivious to the severity of the situation.

I've reached out to Marbridge and Thoughts, though the latter's dysfunctional platform leaves me doubtful of any meaningful response. It's disheartening to confront the indifference and ineffectiveness of those tasked with managing such situations. Molly's actions are a stark reminder of the vulnerability inherent in online interactions, especially when individuals exploit anonymity to inflict harm.

Her blog continues to be filled with the same tired delusions and falsehoods. Despite her claims of never visiting my pages, it's blatant nonsense. I have evidence to the contrary. Whether she genuinely can't recall or if she's convinced herself of being an innocent victim, or perhaps someone else is involved, such as Kim or her peers from the group home, the possibilities are endless. What I can affirm is that my provider can vouch, unequivocally, that I am not engaging in any form of bullying toward her.

"Why can't Jodi be nice to me?" she asks Aly. Well, Jodi wants nothing to do with this troubled individual, but she fails to grasp that. I'm actively trying to distance myself from her, hoping she'll forget about me, yet we're nearing five years of enduring this ordeal. Whether she knowingly fabricates lies or genuinely believes I'm targeting her is beyond comprehension. There's no reasoning with someone so unstable. The only way to curtail her online harassment is to keep her offline entirely. Yet, why has this not been realized by now?

Andy suggested laying low for a year, but it's not as simple as that. While I can limit her ability to contact me and obscure my online presence, the accounts still exist. She persists in checking them daily, and I fear she'll continue maligning me for years to come, regardless of my efforts to ignore her. Despite my reluctance and disdain for feeling controlled by her, I've deactivated my accounts on Ask and Twitter and made my blogs private. It's disconcerting how fearless she appears. Even if she knew that spying on me could lead to legal consequences, I doubt it would deter her. I've become more than an obsession to her; I'm an addiction. I'm attempting to starve that addiction by remaining as invisible as possible. While I won't delete every account and create new ones under false names, I'm cautious of those who may provide her with information.

She claims to be unable to log into Thoughts, a claim I'm inclined to believe given the platform's glitches. However, her blog will likely remain for six months before deletion, a period during which her lies will be accessible to all. Aly expresses sympathy for her, but my patience for this individual has long since expired. Whether her behavior stems from childhood trauma or innate instability is irrelevant; it does not justify her stalking, harassment, and deception.

As Aly informed me, she's currently on vacation. She likely rushed to my sites upon her return, using an unblocked IP. I've taken measures to block her access on Blogger and made my LiveJournal private. Though my actions may have little impact, I felt compelled to make a public post, even though I contemplated contacting her mother through Tom's account. Ultimately, I refrained, recognizing the futility of such actions. I fear I may have to confront this issue in Texas eventually; it seems I'm the only one capable of remedying this situation. Despite her egregious behavior, no laws have been violated. It's akin to cursing in anger; morally wrong but not illegal. Similarly, while I detest unwanted intrusion into my blogs, there's no law prohibiting her from checking my accounts.

Later...

Our neighbors have returned from their second outing of the day, likely settling in for the remainder of the day.

At times, I question my friendship with Andy. His judgmental and immature behavior, coupled with occasional annoyance, makes me reconsider our connection. Yet, when confronted, he deflects blame onto me. A part of me wishes he'd grow tired of me and end our friendship, but I doubt it'll happen unless I deliberately push him away. If I ever reach that point of frustration, I might simply walk away. However, I fear he'll cling to me, reminiscent of situations with Tammy, and potentially morph into someone akin to Molly or Kim.

Molly, indulge in your stalking spree while you're home with Mommy and Daddy because as soon as you return to Marbridge, you're officially offline! Yes, yes, yes! I wouldn't have known this if not for Aly, who seems rather distressed over her punishment and spent a good half-hour bouncing around on the one blog she can access, particularly my entry aimed at her mother. If Aly knows about the restriction, then surely Mommy Dearest is aware too. Perhaps the witch will keep her daughter offline at home as well.

What's disheartening is the knowledge that Molly will eventually regain her online privileges. When will these "experts" realize that some people truly never change? She lacks any understanding of right, wrong, fact, or fiction. It's as if they expect a miracle to occur one day, believing that if they give her just one more chance, she might not mess it up. Perhaps not immediately, but sooner or later, the stalking, lies, delusions, and even threats will resurface, no matter how many chances they give this lunatic.

Alison mentions that Kim still denies following my blogs, yet occasionally, she'll casually reference something I've written, proving she's just as much a liar as Molly. When Molly denies viewing my blog, Alison reminds her about the tracker, which usually prompts silence. Alison suspects Kim might be using a prepaid phone, making her activities less traceable. She confirms that Kim enjoyed following my tweets and my followers there because she knew I couldn't track her there. It's unsettling to realize that my friends are also under her scrutiny.

I've also learned that Kim lives with other family members besides her mother, sharing a two-family house with Carol and her family upstairs, while Kim and her mother reside downstairs. I've tried to obtain Kim's IP address and physical address from Alison just in case, but she keeps delaying, citing reasons like searching for it on an envelope. Nevertheless, if there was ever a time I appreciated Alison's connection with Molly, it's now. I value her updates on both trolls, allowing me to stay one step ahead of them.

Later...

Crazy is crazy, and there's no unraveling the mysteries of insanity. I understand this. What frustrates me about Molly isn't just her puppy-like following (though it's a tad creepy), but the lack of close monitoring of her. According to Mommy Dearest, they didn't allow her back online as I had assumed; she snuck online.

I was concerned that they might have discovered my Prosebox account because this morning, a couple of Molly's page views showed as "No Landing Page." However, I realized that was her attempt to access my Blogger blog, which I had apparently made private just minutes before she returned home last night. I wasn't aware of her return until I saw her hometown on my log.

Prosebox doesn't provide detailed page info, only the countries that visit. LiveJournal offers a bit more detail, and of course, Blogger is incredibly detailed when set to public, practically notifying me if someone sneezes while reading my blog!

Anyway, there's been no sign of her on my tracker, so I may consider resurrecting my Twitter and Ask accounts sometime soon.

Coaxed Tom into running with me yesterday. Poor guy's a little sore today, but that’s to be expected until your muscles get used to it. He used to run in his 20s, but found it hard on his joints and prefers walking. At the very end when we were just a few houses away from ours, he surprised me by taking off running at about 6 MPH. I flew after him, of course, and caught right up to him. He wanted to show his dear wife that he could still run, even if it wasn’t for long. Back home we were laughing at how anyone looking out their window to see him suddenly go flying off like that with me giving chase, must’ve really been like, WTF? 

I love the time we spend on weekends and just being close to him. On weekdays we’re more like roommates/friends as hard as he works and as little free time as he has, so it makes weekends all the more special for us. :) 

He downloaded this cool app called Runtastic. My route is only 1.8 miles. For some reason, I thought it was closer to 3. I know, though, that running or walking a mile a day is considered a good workout, so 1.8 miles still isn’t bad. I will eventually pick up my speed and add distance in small increments. It currently takes me about 15 minutes to run a mile at 3.5 MPH. Wanna get that down to about 8 minutes. 

I love running and I love how I can eat all I want and not worry about gaining any more weight even if I'll never lose the 26 extra pounds the calculator says I have to lose. I may even get running apparel someday. 

For now, we're looking at dishwashers, humidifiers (our skin has been desert-dry), and new laptops. Don't know what we're getting just yet or when we’ll resume with the painting. This morning we’re going to Walmart to look for pots for the trees I got, plus an armband for my iPod, plus whatever else we happen to find with all the gift cards he got at work.

My sister and her family are currently experiencing deep sorrow as they mourn the loss of a beloved friend, who was like an uncle to my nieces. The friend and his wife resided in Florida, and tragically, his wife passed away. Distressed and facing financial difficulties, he sought refuge with Tammy and Mark. During the night, he suffered a fatal heart attack, and it was Sarah who discovered him when she went downstairs to check on him.

Ask reached out to me again, revising their previous statement. Initially, they stated that they would only provide user data to Latvian authorities, but now they claim they'll cooperate with my local authorities upon contact. *waves hand* Whatever. I'm not overly concerned unless someone turns up at my doorstep brandishing a weapon.

I plan to go running at some point today, though I'm unsure if I can convince Tom to join me. While it would be enjoyable to have his company, he lacks interest in running, isn't as physically fit as I am, and typically has a list of errands and other weekend obligations. Given his demanding work schedule of 40-60 hours per week, coaxing him into socializing can be challenging. On my run, I anticipate encountering Hazel, who enjoys a chat. While I appreciate the conversation, I'm also keen on maintaining my pace.

Yesterday, I had a disconcerting encounter that momentarily unnerved me until Tom reassured me. Despite an uncanny resemblance, he reminded me why it couldn't have been the troublesome individuals from our past in Phoenix. The sight of a blue SUV parking in front of our house, occupied by a couple resembling our former tormentors, stirred anxiety. However, Tom reassured me of the improbability of their presence here, citing our surveillance options and community standards.

Despite encountering a few respectable black neighbors in the past, I harbor a preference for living among people of similar backgrounds. I earnestly hope the individuals considering the neighboring house are not approved, as I am averse to repeating past experiences. Despite their apparent affluence, I remain wary, recognizing that wealth does not preclude disruptive behavior.

In summary, while acknowledging the presence of decent individuals from all backgrounds, I remain cautious and hopeful for a harmonious living environment among like-minded peers.

So I get these threats to rape and kill me and my mother from my “father” on Ask this morning. I immediately suspected some bored kid in another country as opposed to the sickos in Arizona or anyone else I may’ve known or know now. I wasn’t scared because words are just words. If someone came to my door, that’d be different, and then yes, I would defend myself in any way I had to. 

I said: Both my parents are dead. So a ghost is going to kill me, then have sex with my dead mother? 

I didn’t share these on Facebook, of course. Definitely Facebook-friendly, LOL. Then they said they didn’t know that, was sorry, but fuck me anyway. Then they asked where I lived and said they’d fly to me and fuck me. 

Ok, so maybe the smartest thing would’ve been to ignore them and not indulge them in any way, but when I think back to how I lost half a year of my life and many thousands of dollars after being falsely accused that no one should lose that kind of time and money to even if they’d been guilty as hell, I couldn’t just keep quiet and do nothing. 

For a while there after getting fucked over like I did in Arizona, I was afraid to even breathe, let alone fight back or simply speak my mind. Sick of being society’s little puppet and feeling like I was losing myself after a while, I eventually crawled out of my scared little shell. That didn’t stop us from fleeing the state when we could, though. Hey, we’re talking about a corrupt cop involved in that case with a lot more power and weapons than we would ever have and we knew my eventual vindication would piss the shit out of them. We felt like sitting ducks and we couldn’t stay there anyway because Tom lost his job and our expenses were insane. There were two of us and many of them, the laws treated whites like shit there, and did we really want to pay any more taxes to a state that could screw me over the way it did? We decided we definitely didn’t want that or to take any foolish risks unnecessarily. But we did want a climate change. Well, we got it even though we picked the wrong one for starters. 

The point is that God has always, always protected my perps. It’s always, always been ok to fuck over Jodi, but if Jodi even thinks evil thoughts about you, she’s in big trouble. Well, fuck Him and His double standards! I knew damn well nothing would happen to the person, whose whereabouts are in Tirana, Albania’s City Hall, but I couldn’t just smile and sit back silently either. So, not knowing how to flag them from that account, I did so from my secret account (or supposed secret account) and contacted Ask directly as well. They recommended I call the police cuz they only have to give user data to Latvian authorities, which is where they’re based. 

Brilliant advice, Ask! So other countries are supposed to call their cops and have them do what? Be totally useless to them because you are? 

No wonder the US’s hands were tied in that bullying case Andy told me about. I was able to determine they were in Albania cuz they linked to my blog from Ask. If many people linked in at the same time, then I probably wouldn’t be able to figure it out, but since they were the only ones in from there today, it was obvious. 

Ask did delete some of their questions, which stopped as soon as I mentioned their location, so they probably got scared off, or Ask blocked their IP. Maybe if anything good came of it, I helped someone else. To me, threats are just words, but others may find them very scary. 

Mark my words, though, if trouble ever does go beyond words and materialize at our door, I WILL fight back. And I won’t care how black you may be and how much the laws are prone to side with you. Not even if you’re an authority figure or might have once been till you abused that position of power. 

Later… 

I’ve posted 1987 through most of 1993 and will slow it down to posting 1 or 2 months a day so I don’t drive anyone crazy with overposting on Prosebox. There will be several books in all once I’m done sometime this spring or summer at the latest. My New England book is done. My Phoenix, Arizona book has 6 more years to go. Then my Maricopa, Arizona book which will cover the early 2000s will be next, followed by my Oregon book which will cover the mid-2000s, then my California book which will cover 2007 to the summer of 2013 when we moved in here. Then I also have my bio and a short story, along with my current day-to-day eVents. 

The “bored kid,” who’s got to be at least 18 if they work at City Hall, has backed off. I guess Ask either blocked them or they got freaked out by my knowing their whereabouts even though they came at me anonymously. Or tried to. Who knows, though, maybe they were a dirty old man. 

Had some heavy bleeding last night. I guess I just had to get 2 periods in 1 to make up for skipping last month. So much for thinking menopause was setting in. 

Although they don’t make a big production out of it and are quiet, which I appreciate, where could two old people possibly have to go twice a day by 1pm? They (or maybe just Bob) takes off between 9-10am, returns an hour or two later, parks in the carport, then leaves again within the hour for another hour or two. In fact, I just heard what I think was two doors close, so they both just left. Yup, I see them pulling onto the street now. No one else around here has budged yet today. 

The night before last I dreamt that Nane surprised me with a call. I knew it was her even though she didn’t say her name. We bought an old dump in the country and harbored a killer in our old Phoenix home in last night’s dreams. 

It was amazingly quiet yesterday and it’s been that way so far today too, even though it’s still early. Meeting people here hasn’t been as easy as I thought it’d be, and while I still prefer to stick to the home front and do my own thing most of the time, I haven’t given up. It’s just not one of those things you can plan or make happen. But I’m putting myself in a position that won’t stop it either.

Logged into Tom’s Facebook account to compare his homepage with mine. He has no ads or suggested page likes. On my homepage, the second post down is always a suggested like. Then every few posts from there on down are “likes” or offers. So that reinforces my corrupt apt theory. I have billions of them, though, so I can’t even begin to guess which one it is that’s littered my feed with all this crap. Oh well. People can PM or tag me if they have something they really want me to see. 

Finally got hit full force with a real period after two days of spotting. I’m flowing and cramping heavily, but hopefully it will have backed off before I go to the clubhouse to check out what their painting class entails. 

I want to clarify something and that’s that I’m not having problems with a lot of people or anything like that back when I said the stress of the holiday season seemed to be bringing out the worst in some people. It’s nothing that’s being aimed at me directly and I’m sorry if I gave that impression. It’s just people I see bickering at each other on various sites that seems more frequent than usual that I was referring to. Meanwhile, no one’s mad at me at the moment and I’m not mad at anyone either. I will admit, though, that I was mad at Andy at first when he brought up how sad he was over my lack of in-person friends. For years my attitude has been “It’s my life, I’ll live it as I see fit, and fuck what others think or want.” But I have come to realize how selfish this attitude of mine truly is. But yes, I was pissed at first. I didn’t get why it was so important to him and why he should care as long as it made me happy, and was like, “Who the hell is he kidding bringing up my lack of trust in people? He’s got such trust issues that he won’t even get a BF.” 

But I realize he is happy being alone and that it’s not about his lack of trust or anything like that. I just never thought to push him to get a BF cuz I not only didn’t feel it was my place to do so, but I just didn’t care how he chose to live his life. Him having a BF (or not having one) doesn’t affect me directly either way. 

And my own lack of friends has nothing to do with lack of trust so much as it does lack of time and desire. Yes, more friends means potential for more problems, but it was just me being the loner I always preferred to be. I realize, though, like I said, that this selfishness has got to stop. I can still live like a hermit but make some friends, can’t I? And I can at least learn a little Japanese, can’t I? (I have another friend who’s been harping on me to learn it). 

If Andy were here right now and I cooked him a meal and he asked for more salt or margarine, I’d be quick to jump up and get it for him. Why? Because I want him happy and it’s not too much to ask for, that’s why. I have always been, in many ways, like a puppy eager to please. I hate knowing anyone is sad or depressed for me for ANY reason and that is why I hesitate to share anything sad or negative; because I don’t want to bring them down. As long as it’s something within my means, I love to make those I care about happy. I can be more of what others want me to be without losing my identity. 

I finally shook myself by the shoulders, so to speak, and said to myself, “These people aren’t asking for much, Jodi.” Not that anyone’s demanded or asked me to make certain changes/additions, but I know it would mean a lot to them if I did. They’re reasonable things – they’re not asking me to stand on my head all day, hold my breath for 3 hours, or harm my husband in any way – so what’s the big deal? Why can’t I meet some people halfway? Especially if it’ll bring a little more peace and happiness their way? I don’t have to learn every single Japanese word and I don’t have to make friends with every single person in California. But I can be the changes they’d like to see while STILL being myself. As long as no one asks me to go to church, take up baseball, or win a million bucks, I can make little changes here and there and be a little less me and a little more them. 

It may be a piss poor excuse, but I think part of what made me so damn selfish for a while there is because I had so little freedom for so long in some cases. Turn 18 and get the reigns of your life back from a bitch like my mother was, and yes, the idea of living for yourself and yourself only does tend to go to one’s head. I just got carried away with it and took the “I’m gonna be myself” thing a little too far. But I can still be true to myself without being phony or anything like that. No, I’m not going to be friends with just anyone. I can’t see myself pretending to like someone if my heart just isn’t in it. That wouldn’t be fair to them or to myself, but not all people are bad. 

I want to do more for others for once and not just for Tom and I. I need to change. I know that. Friendships take time to find and build, though. You can’t always “plan” or make that happen any more than you can love. It has to happen naturally and develop on its own. Almost everything good in my life wasn’t planned or even expected. But this morning should be a good start. 

I also feel like I’m neglecting some of my online friends and like I haven’t been there for them as much as I should be. I don’t want them to think I’m getting sick of them or that I stopped caring, but I still want to do more things offline, too. Since I can’t be both on and offline at the same time, I’ll work hard and not only be a better, less selfish friend but to balance my time better in both the cyber and real world. 

Later… 

Some may say that making little changes here and there for the sake of making others happy (or at least less sad) is foolish since there’s always going to be someone who has a problem with every little (and big) thing about me. I understand this, but I’m not looking to please everyone in the world either. I know that’s ridiculous. I don’t care what some stranger on the other side of the world may want for me; I’m talking about those I’m closest to. As long as the requests, wishes, desires, or whatever you want to call them are reasonable and I don’t feel like I’m being tugged in a million directions at once or like I’m some piece of human clay anyone wants to shape and mold, it’ll be ok. 

The point is that I’ve been too stubborn in a lot of ways and I want to improve on this. Another thing I want to work on is to quit defending and explaining myself so much and just let others assume, guess or believe whatever they want even if it’s false or just not quite correct. 

I would, for example, be quick to point out that the reason I learned Spanish is that I always thought it a beautiful language if someone insisted I did it because I want to travel or live there, but is that really necessary? I used to correct people so that they would better know and understand me, but so fucking what if they don’t have me 100% correct, right? Does everyone need to know and understand every single little thing about me? Are anyone’s thoughts, assumptions, opinions or beliefs really going to hurt me? Besides, I know what’s true and what’s not, so shouldn’t that be all that matters? I think it’d keep the peace better if I just went along with whatever and let them think whatever they think. Some people have mistaken my pointing out the truth as being argumentative and I’d hate for people to think that in my correcting them my real intention is to pick a fight when it’s not that at all. I don’t mind answering them if I’m asked a question, but what they do with the answer should be up to them. Not me. 

Later… 

Noticed they started telling us the number of followers we have on Ask, but not who they are. I was surprised to learn my secret Ask account has 4 followers. I know one is Andy, but who could the other 3 be. At first I thought of Lady Di, but she’d be following Andy too, yet Andy only has 1 follower on his own secret account, which we know is me. I’d say my 3 mystery followers are just random strangers. As Andy said, if they were the trolls, they’d be following him, too. When we answer the question of the day, people see that. 

My first Ask account has 55 followers. Let me guess, a few trolls, a dozen or so friends… and the rest??? 

Still copying old stuff to Blogger, Tumblr and Prosebox. I’m almost up to 1993. 

Took a walk down to the clubhouse at just after 9am. I stepped into the main room and found it deserted. However, there were rows of about a dozen long tables set up that each seated about a dozen people. The tablecloths alternated in holiday colors from green to red. Next to each plate setting was a small teddy bear. Against a sidewall was another long table bedecked with tons of teddies. 

I then turned and saw the sign announcing a potluck dinner at 11am. Then some guy came in and I asked him about the painting class that was to be at 9:30. He said it was canceled today because the potluck, apparently, is for all the local piggies and firefighters. I guess they give the teddy bears to abused children. Hey, at least they can be doing something good amongst the corruption, right? 

Anyway, the guy said they get their own easels, paints and canvases, and sometimes there’s an instructor there. The classes sometimes just have 1 person, other times 5. 

*sighs* I wish it was swimming season. 

Andy and I were talking about my dad bursting into tears and apologizing for letting his sick wife abuse his kids, but you know what? We both agree that his “I’m sorrys” were a bit late. 

I know it’s only 11am, but it’s been amazingly quiet so far today. I guess it’s cuz of the cold. It’s supposed to be back up in the 60s soon, thank goodness. I’m dreading when the house across the street finally sells cuz having to listen to all the car door slamming will be kind of annoying given where they are. Hopefully, once they get settled in and show the place off to their family and friends, they won’t come and go too often or have much company. Next door comes and goes about twice a day. The yellow house across the street comes and goes maybe 3 times, and the gray house rarely goes anywhere.