As much as I hate the orange bastard, I do agree with him discontinuing benefits for illegals. Why should those breaking the law get some comfort at the taxpayers' expense? I also agree that gender is totally binary, no matter how one may feel. When Andy and I escaped the slums of Springfield and moved to the apartment complex in Phoenix, it made us feel rich but that doesn't mean we were. I think it's perfectly okay to feel a certain way, but it's not okay to call something what it isn't and delude ourselves. Gender simply isn't subjective but fixed.

I brought up the idea of letting my teeth go to save money, but Tom thinks we should keep up on them for the next six years because when I'm on Medicare Advantage, both dental and vision will be covered. Since quitting sugar, I'm hoping that will help prevent cavities right there. Nothing can really change my soft enamel that much since that's a genetic thing, but hopefully, healthier eating will help.

I had a dream I won a trip somewhere. Now that is a serious change of pace in Dreamland for me! I don't usually have happy or positive dreams, but I was thrilled to win this trip to wherever it was.

I'm looking forward to the hydroponic system! The one we want has 15 pods, a mister, and is 20 inches long with a grow light that can extend 20 inches high. It's too bad we can't grow most of our food. To grow everything that doesn't come from an animal would be way cool. He’d still have to buy his bread, and of course, we'd have to buy non-edibles and meat. Growing all the fruits and veggies we like would be great, along with potatoes.

I diced yellow potatoes, smothered them in cream of chicken, sprinkled the top with rosemary—one of the things I hope to grow—and baked it for 35 minutes in a glass dish at 425 degrees. It came out great. I'm definitely amazed and proud of how far my culinary skills have come. I can now make things I once wouldn’t have dreamed of making years ago. I hated to cook and swore I never would, but now I really enjoy it. I still like the variety of processed stuff, but I do try to limit my intake of it since it's not good for me.

Remembering that we still had some packets of seeds in the hutch drawer, I pulled them out. There are two types of basil, and I didn’t even know that sage was edible, which we also have. I've never cooked with sage before. I don’t want to grow those yet, but I’ve got oregano and cilantro seeds for two of my starter picks. I'd like to start with:

• Spinach

• Kale

• Green Onions

• Bell Peppers

• Cucumbers

• Tomatoes

• Zucchini

• Green Beans

• Arugula

• Strawberries

• Rosemary

• Oregano

• Cilantro

• Lavender

• Jasmine

Time to share my very unpopular opinion, but you know what? It's my journal, and I don't care.

The other day, I mentioned that Tom and I were talking about whether or not the afterlife was possible. I've thought about all the NDE stories I've heard and agree that they can't all be lying or making up their stories, but how do we know they're not just dreams or hallucinations? Ketamine and other drugs can make you hallucinate to the point that you truly, honestly believe what you're seeing. From what I've read—if I'm understanding things correctly—the dying brain produces similar chemicals, which, in turn, create similar hallucinations.

So do I think NDE experiences are more likely hallucinations rather than a genuine trip to the other side? Yeah, I do. Then there's the fact that Christians happen to see God while Buddhists happen to see monks. A little too coincidental if you ask me.

Tom said he doesn't know what it is but believes in an afterlife only because it's hard to believe consciousness just ceases when we die. That kind of makes sense when you consider that our sense of awareness isn't exactly a physical, tangible thing. But then, for the sake of argument, there's surgery. When I was put under for surgery, I had absolutely no sense of awareness whatsoever. So consciousness can be stopped.

The older I get, the less I believe in God. Because I’ve had psychic experiences, I try to keep my mind open—just a tiny bit—to various possibilities, but with all the shit that's not only happened to me but that I see happening around the world, it's hard to believe that any higher being would create so much suffering and then just sit back and do nothing. If that's the case, then "God" is no better than a human enabler who watches a child being abused and does nothing about it.

Nonetheless, despite believing less and less in a God or an afterlife as I get older, I’m still curious and always interested in hearing different beliefs and theories. I think most people believe in God because that's what they were taught, and people are generally gullible and easy to brainwash. I also think a big part of it is wishful thinking and an emotional support thing. If everyone on Earth seems to hate you, telling yourself that there's a God who loves you unconditionally can be comforting, whether it's a delusion or not.

I was randomly browsing when I came across the question: What is the only unforgivable sin? My instant thought was, Of course, it has to be murder. But nope. Some sources say it’s blasphemy, and others say it’s worshiping another god. That had me doing a real WTF?! You mean to tell me people have decided that this unproven entity will forgive someone who rapes and murders a child—but not someone who criticizes or questions this supposed God? Do people even realize how ridiculous that sounds? It makes absolutely no sense. And why would anyone want to worship a God that is supposedly that spiteful and jealous?

Think about it—if this belief were 100% true, that would mean God is incredibly petty and spiteful, refusing to forgive someone just because they were fed up with His inaction and dared to say something He didn’t want to hear. When it comes to people I dislike, I just try to avoid them. Obviously, I can’t ignore the honker as much as I’d like to when he’s banging away with a hammer or firing up his damn motorcycle, but still—what rational being would want to throw someone into a pit of fire just because of what they said or felt? The point is, if we wouldn’t accept this kind of behavior from a person, why is it okay from a higher power? 

They say only God judges people (yet people judge others all the time) and that no one can know what he’s going to judge even though they’ve created a little rulebook assuming they can at least guess.

At the end of the day, my conclusion is: just do you. I’m going to be myself and live my life the way I see fit. I’m not going to harm anyone or break any laws—at least not intentionally—but I’m also not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not, and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future.

Just for kicks, I asked AI what someone who has been dead for four years—since it's been nearly four years since Aly died—would be doing in the afterlife. The response was that, assuming they haven’t been reincarnated, they would be worshiping God and enjoying the rewards of heaven. My immediate thought was, How the hell could she worship a God who let her die at 40 when she didn’t want to die? She could have lived another 40-45 years. Let’s just hope that if there is an afterlife, it’s so much better than this life that dying younger was totally worth it—if she isn’t truly just dead and in total oblivion.

One of the dolls fell off the closet shelf, and guess who had a field day chewing on her jewelry?

I'm excited because my genius of a husband stumbled upon a couple of awesome things. One is adjustable lenses for both farsightedness and nearsightedness for the Quests. The other is a hydroponic plant-growing system for indoors. Not only will it be fun to grow some fruits and veggies, but it will also save us a little money. The only fruit that would be feasible with the size we plan to get is strawberries—other types require more space and effort.

We want to be able to simply submerge the seeds in the nutrient-dense water and let them grow under the grow lights. 

I still have the sweetie tomato seeds to plant in the three little 4-inch starter pots we have, too. 

Anyway, I’d love to grow things that should be easy enough with this system—mini cucumbers, leafy greens, herbs, arugula, bell peppers, and tomatoes. Tom wouldn’t eat any of it, of course, but he would enjoy watching them grow. I might even grow some flowers like colorful petunias. Jasmine has boring little white flowers but the smell is to die for. Maybe I'll add some lavender if there's room.

The door handles in here are getting old and not working properly. One of the bathroom knobs is broken, and I’ve always preferred lever handles, so we’re going to replace them with levers. We’re only doing the bedroom and bathroom doors, not the closets.

I slept long and well last night after taking a full clonazepam. I still woke up a few times—and even went to prison for life in my dreams. I don’t know what I did or if I knew Tom, but I was hopelessly trying to console myself with the thought that at least I would never have to die alone.

Had good energy yesterday but today I'm exhausted. I woke up many times. In a decent mood despite the fatigue.

My nose is a little stuffier too, so I hope that won't be an issue when I crash. I feel like I had a bad sleep apnea night the last time around, but I don't know if it was really that or my nose. I also woke up because I was either too hot, too cold, snoring, or just not able to get comfortable enough to fall back asleep easily despite how comfortable my bed is.

Got to get conditioner for it in a couple of months now that it's coming up on a year. Maybe we can get tablets to throw in each of the tubes rather than liquid, which would be harder to distribute evenly.

I was discussing my writer's block with Tom and what I should write next and decided I would go back and work on one of my old stories. It was so cool to have ChatGPT summarize the chapters so I didn't have to go through and read it all again to refresh myself since it already has a few thousand words. 

I knew how I wanted to start the story, but I just didn't know where to take it from there, much less how I wanted to end it. Then Tom came up with a great idea. He said to decide how I want it to end and then take the story up to that point. I was like, wow! Never thought of working a story backward before. Usually, I get an idea, start off with it, and let the story lead me wherever. Only this time, it wasn't leading me beyond those few thousand words.

I used one of my favorite muses as a lead but used her first name in the story because speech-to-text just doesn't always get "Nane." Sometimes it spells it wrong, though, and writes Marian or Miriam. 

Anyway, I got to the part where she and “Natasha” meet and blackmail each other with the incriminating evidence they have on each other, but then I didn't know where to take it from there. I'm still not sure and might have to confer with AI.

We wanted to get a small cherry tomato plant, but they were out of stock, so we got seeds for small tomatoes but not cherry tomatoes. I forget what they're called, but anyway, we have to get the proper soil before we can plant them. We're going to keep them indoors.

I asked Tom if he noticed the smoothies giving me a little extra energy, and he said he did but didn't want to say anything and jinx it. We probably already did, LOL, but I do have amazing energy today—at least so far. Especially after waking up a little stuffy and having to take Claritin. Time to dust in here again just to be safe.

We're comfortable but not getting ahead. We can pay the bills, we have food to eat, and we don't have to wait to pay for something when we get the next check, but we're not getting ahead either. This frustrates me because I feel like we're stuck in a rut. It sure beats health issues, though.

Eileen asked on her wall if people were in a position in their lives where they were okay to go, and surprisingly, many feel the way I do. They're okay with going whenever their time is up or at least on some days. Well, I definitely wasn't okay with it when I thought we were going to have no choice but to go when we first moved to California in 2007. I wasn't even 40 yet and still had things I wanted to do and experience.

Now, though, the better I feel, the less in a hurry I am to get to the finish line, but I'm still a lot more okay with it as opposed to 20 years ago. This is because I'm older and believe I have experienced just about all I'm going to experience in life. Like it or not, the less money you have, the less you can do.

So, the person who blocked my main account with the username starting with a V never wrote any more entries just as I figured would be the case. Sometimes I wonder what it's all about, though. Role-playing? DID?

It's so weird how only half of my thumbnail got better. The fungus on the right side is growing out nicely, but I still have discoloration on the entire left side from tip to cuticle. The cuticle is also kind of whitish in color and numb like it's dead. So, I trimmed as much as I could and decided to give the lacquer another try before I resume vinegar treatments. I just do not want to have to take that medication! It's here if I ultimately need it, though.

The burning comes and goes but has been better overall. I’m still waiting for my test results. They’re checking to see if I have certain types of bacterial infections, but I suspect I don’t—otherwise, the burning wouldn’t come and go, would it? I just hope that when I get the estrogen cream I’m guessing I’ll end up with, its side effects aren’t worse than the burning, so I don’t have to once again choose the lesser evil.

Yesterday, while I was sitting down coloring, I had an intense, stabbing cramp in the left side of my chest. It was pretty damn strong but only pulsed through me a few times before fading into a dull ache that eventually disappeared altogether. Upon waking up, however, I could still feel a slight remnant of it. I don’t know what the hell that was about, but I’m not worried about it.

They say better late than never, and this is true. However, if this urologist is correct and all I needed to stop the burning sensations I've had for years was estrogen cream, then I'm gonna be pretty pissed that I wasn't told this a long time ago. Why didn't the GYN I saw in California tell me I had lichen planus when I had atrophy? Why did the two different GYNs I saw in this state tell me that OTC remedies might not be enough for atrophy? If my problem all along has been needing estrogen cream, then it's pretty fucked up that in all these years, three different female GYNs failed to tell me that while a male urologist got it right. Just like with the anxiety and other issues, I suffered needlessly for years. I get that doctors aren't magic and that nobody's perfect at what they do, but come on! There's no excuse for this if it really is just a case of me needing estrogen and nothing else going on.

I'd like to think that my current health issues will be resolved, but even when and if they are, I know they'll only be replaced with new problems. The question is how long it will take for them to be properly diagnosed and dealt with.

I'm starting to really suspect that we’re never going to get ahead financially. Although it was unlikely most of the time, there were always chances in the past because his income wasn't fixed or guaranteed in any way. But now it is. Too many things keep coming up to eat our extra money. We can't move if we can't save. Not only couldn't we move, but we couldn't do much of anything else either.

I had tons of dreams last night, but the only one I remember is a horrible nightmare about Tinkerbella. In most dreams, she ends up missing, but this was worse in some ways. In the dream, for some bizarre reason, we decided to surrender her during the final months of her life. The following morning, I woke up and stepped out of the bedroom to find that Tom had already gotten rid of her cage. I began bawling my eyes out and said, "It's like she's dead already! And it's worse because we don't know where she is right now or how she's being treated."

Having a little more irritation today than the last couple of days, but my lungs are better. I got pretty tight yesterday. Still no clue as to why. I guess it could still be the medication because it's long-acting, and therefore it takes time to feel better when you cut back and time to feel the effects when you increase.

The urologist was nearly an hour late. The waiting room was long and crowded, but there was a whole group of doctors at this facility. We rolled down without the AC and opened the windows because it was a little further, and we didn't want to have to stop and charge on the way back. It was 80 degrees and only slightly humid, so it was warm but tolerable.

After filling out the usual pain-in-the-ass paperwork, I was told to provide a urine sample when a nurse finally called me back. Then I brought it a few doors down to the lab department.

Once in the exam room, the nurse used a bladder scanner to see how much my bladder had emptied out. Fortunately, it emptied out nicely.

Based on my symptoms, the doctor thinks it's part of the atrophy. I didn't realize that even if you keep things well-lubed, it can affect the bladder and ureters as well. So I may never have been infected. If this is the case, I'll be given estrogen cream. They're running a very extensive urinalysis test too, that tests for things that regular testing doesn't pick up.

In a couple of months, I'll return for a bladder endoscopy that he says won't be that bad, not to stress over, and only takes 30 seconds. He's also going to do a kidney ultrasound to check for stones.

I was so fucking annoyed on the way out because we could barely hear the woman scheduling my next appointment since these two guys were talking really loud. I was just about ready to tell them to take it down a notch but decided to just take the appointment I got, which may have to be rescheduled.

When we got home, Toni was on the ground of her carport, working on some project, gesticulating and talking to herself as usual. I’d just love to plant listening devices in her place to hear what she tells herself. LOL.

Not long after settling in, there was a message to call Rhonda's office. Brandon answered and said Rhonda wants to see me in June and that they'll mail me lab orders for right before I see her.

I woke up with my lungs feeling tight and am thinking about taking a break from Claritin. I just don’t know what’s been causing it these last handful of months. I wasn’t on that or the nasal spray when I was tight a few months ago, but it’s hard to believe it could be the Levo after two skipped doses. Between my coffee and a hit from my inhaler, it helped. It was weird, though—after the tightness eased up, I had a pain in the middle of my back on the left side, but then that went away too. Getting a little tight again, though. I wish I knew for sure what was causing it. I don’t know if it’s something I’m taking or just the climate. Scary to think how many pulmonary embolism symptoms I've had, so hopefully that's not it! It's just that 23andMe found I had one of the two genes they tested that gave me a slightly increased risk of hereditary Thrombophilia. Plus, there was that questionable chest x-ray before having my gallbladder removed.

Tom is updating the schedule program to reflect daylight savings, which I appreciate.

Today, I’m going to cancel my appointment with the glaucoma doctor because it will cost us more on this plan, and I just don’t think it’s necessary.

The colorful plastic clips typically used in bird cages are wonderful. I wish I had them decades ago when we first started getting pet rats. They’re so much easier to use, and they add a nice pop of color too.

I wasn’t able to sleep with the new nasal dilator because I didn’t find it very comfortable. I watched tutorials over and over, yet I’m not able to insert them as far up into my nose as I see in the videos. Maybe I just need to wear them for a bit while I’m awake to get used to the feel of them—just like with the CPAP.

I’m seeing the urologist tomorrow, and even though I won’t know anything for sure that day, I’d be willing to bet I do have cystitis and will have to avoid certain foods and drinks. I just hope I’m not exhausted! It’s hit or miss. I couldn’t bring myself to schedule an appointment with our local urology center that’s much closer because they had such bad reviews—from the doctors to the office staff.

I’m getting more convinced my problem is cystitis. I’m still reading conflicting information about whether or not it’s caused by a UTI. I was 90% burn-free throughout the night until I had wine, a known irritant. Then it started picking up. I didn’t bother to test my leukocyte count tonight because I know it’s still elevated. My urine still smells strong in the shower too.

The nasal dilators arrived, and they’re not quite as comfortable as the silicone ones, but hopefully they’ll work better. I’m amazed I have any energy at all today because I slept so shitty. I had the silicone dilator and a breathing strip on and was snoring loudly, so I yanked out the dilator. That helped, but I still kept waking up a lot. Hopefully, the new ones will make things a little easier until I can get the CPAP, at least regarding the nasal valve aspect of it.

I’m also more convinced that the lung tightness is due to the medication. Yesterday, my lungs got pretty tight, and I even had to take my inhaler because I had mild wheezing and congestion. I skipped today’s dose, and my lungs are fine.

Although I slept slightly better, I still woke up a lot and only got six hours of sleep, so I got up exhausted again. I napped for an hour and nine minutes, but I had the same problem—I wasn't getting enough air through my nose and had to open my mouth and force a breath every so often. I really hope the ENT is right when he says the CPAP should push the air through! I was on my stomach, though, and I don’t plan to be much when I get the CPAP.

I still don’t know if anything else is affecting my lungs, but they’re not too bad. I’m much more worried about my sleep, allergies, and bladder. I may also have to train myself to use two pillows, but I hope not. Training myself to stay off my stomach will be challenging enough. I know I trained myself to stay off my back, but that was never my favorite sleeping position either.

A little bit of hope is coming in the mail today in the form of that Hale nasal dilator the second pulmonologist recommended. I doubt it will get here before I crash, though. What gives me some hope is that it’s supposed to open the nose wider than the silicone ones I’ve been using and the strips. When I put the tips of my nails just under the sides of my nose and spread them wide, it makes a huge difference compared to the other devices I’ve tried and this should act similarly. This won’t do anything for my sleep apnea, which is caused by my throat and tongue structure, but hopefully, it will help with the allergy issues since I’m a nose breather in my sleep. I will definitely update this journal on how it goes.

I made portobello mushrooms for the first time earlier. I forgot to get cottage cheese, so I used plain Greek yogurt instead, and it still came out good. The rat loved it, of course. She was running around earlier—when she’s happy and full of playful energy, she hops around the room. I love it when she gets all hoppy. At least one of us has energy! I think the nap helped, though. After I have a bite to eat, I’ll get on the road before doing some coloring.

Poor Tom! His favorite phlebotomist, a woman named Erica, left to work in a doctor’s office. The rest of this entry is going to be pretty ranty, so if that’s not your thing, get out of here!

I feel like shit, but first, here’s another nightmare I had—this one even more detailed but different. We were living in a house that looked similar to our last one, only it seemed to have three or four bedrooms. In the midst of weird and senseless things, like me deciding on physical library books (which I haven’t gotten in years and never will again since I’m all digital), my parents were alive and decided to visit. Not only did they visit, but they brought along dozens of their friends! I definitely didn’t appreciate having a house full of strangers.

Tom was out somewhere when I casually ran a hand through my hair and pulled back a good-sized clump of it. Horrified, I asked Dad, who was in the living room, where Mom was. I went into the master bedroom only to find the bathroom door shut because she was taking a bath. I could hear water sloshing around in the large tub. So, I laid down on their bed to wait for her. Yes, they moved my beloved waterbed out and put their bed in its place for their stay. I sunk down into the firm memory foam, thinking it was just the type of bed they would get—probably costing a fortune. I didn’t like it and found it made me too warm.

When she was done with her bath, I found she not only got a ton of water all over the bathroom floor, but some guy entered the room, baring his teeth and pissed off about something. I told him to get out because I really needed to talk to my mother about something important. Growling something at me and still clutching the fallen clump of hair in my hand, I shoved him back, and he left without making me hurt him. Then, I showed Mom the hair and asked what it could mean. She just sort of stared at the hair and me with a mixture of confusion and surprise but didn’t say anything.

Anyway, I’m back to the broken-up sleep. I slept fairly well during the first half of it, but after waking up to pee, I couldn’t get back to sleep because I was having trouble breathing through my nose, which was all stopped up again for seemingly no reason. I wasn’t outdoors, and I’ve been sticking to my allergy regimen religiously, so I don’t know why my nose was blocked. It has been a little over a week since I dusted the bedroom, so if I can ever get the energy to take care of that, I will. I’m totally exhausted—not just because of shitty sleep quality but also because of melatonin, which leaves me hungover and fucks with my cognitive abilities. Even just half a milligram.

After I finally fell back asleep, which seemed to take forever, I woke up several times. I got the lowest sleep score I’ve had in quite a while. In fact, I think I’ll go try to nap before I finish this entry. I’m lying down talk-typing on my phone, and I barely have the energy for just that, let alone anything else. If I can get a nap and it actually refreshes me, I want to take care of the dishes and make a new but simple chicken recipe. Plus, I’ll dust the bedroom, and it would be nice to do more coloring and hit the road. I have less than 1,400 miles to go on my trip.

Later…

I ended up napping, although barely because my nose still gets clogged up when lying flat on my stomach. I’m still exhausted, but I managed to do the things I needed to do. I got the dishes in the dishwasher, cooked dinner, folded the laundry, and dusted the bedroom. Now, all I have to do is hope that today’s pre-bed plan works. I’m going to use the Neti bottle about 15 minutes before I use the steroid spray and take Claritin. Before I’m ready to fall asleep, I’ll take half a clonazepam and leave the other half for if I wake up in the middle of my sleep for any reason and have a hard time getting back to sleep. Melatonin is definitely all wrong for me. The break in sleep doesn’t help, but the melatonin hangover exacerbates things. It’s a wonder how I managed to take 10 mg of the stuff 25 years ago, but I had a whole different body back then.

Damn, do I wish this urologist would tell me I had terminal cancer, but of course, he won’t. I won’t get anything deadly until it’s time to kill myself. The question is if I’m going to be able to tough out the suffering until his time comes or if I’m going to finally get fed up enough with the years of suffering and check out sooner.

My clit is on fire at times, especially after I pee. So as I said, something’s causing the inflammation, and as Tom said, it’s just a matter of finding out what’s causing it and treating it. But, of course, that’s only if it can be treated. In my case, I’m usually stuck with temporary or half-assed solutions—things that either don’t help at all or that help but not enough, like with my nasal regimen. I really worry that the only way to deal with my allergies in this state is to have shots, and that’s just not going to be possible once a week, let alone two or three times a week.

Yes, I’m rambling, but I need to. As exhausted as I am, it’s just that kind of night, and I’m in just that kind of mood, you know? Anyway, Tucks sometimes makes me burn more, so I use hydrocortisone when it really gets bad.

I’m worried because while I do agree that the illegals who are breaking the law should be deported, and I am all for the Laken Riley Act, and yes, while I love the idea of equality, DEI is not fair, and what about our own homegrown nightmares who are barely getting a slap on the wrist? How about Trump’s fucking with China and possibly driving up the cost of Temu? And then there are Jew-haters like Musk and Kanye who are dying to be president so they can finish what Hitler started. Don’t think for a minute that most people wouldn’t just love to vote for them because they would.

There’s no reason the government couldn’t decide to hunt down and exterminate the Jews in the country if things took a turn in that direction, and you know what? Nothing would surprise me anymore. I don’t think most people realize just how overrated and exaggerated racism against blacks is. They’re not the true victims in this country. In many ways, they have more support than even straight, white, non-Jewish people have.

Sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like had we never met. Who would Tom have ended up with, and what would he have done with his life? Would he have stayed in Phoenix all his life? I suspect he might have. He’s always been adventurous in some ways, but living in different states was a thing we did together. It’s not something he would have done on his own or with someone who wasn’t into the idea. You have to be with someone who has the same curiosity and desire to experience new places. Usually, anyway. Still don’t know if we’re ever really going to make it out of here. I still sense that we likely will eventually. I just don’t know exactly how, where, or how tight money will be. I would really love to pick out the appliances of my choice, for example, but I will probably have to settle for basic stuff if we move—if not for good, then at least for starters.

Anyway, when I think of what my life would have been like without him, it’s always been a chilling thought, and the older I get and the more I suffer from health issues, the scarier the thought is. I don’t think I would be alive today. I think I’ve only hung on this long for him, but eventually, if things don’t turn around, I’m going to end up getting selfish. There’s only so much I can take. It’s so hard when I struggle so much of the time and watch so many people older than me live their lives while I have to spend most of it either in bed or feeling like shit in some way or another. It’s like I’m not really even living.

Yesterday, aside from the burning, I had fairly decent energy and could do more, but tonight I don’t even have the energy to sit up and color, let alone hit the road. All I want to do is lie here and bitch and complain. It’s a therapeutic outlet of sorts and Tom is asleep now anyway. At least one of us can keep a normal schedule.

He said he saw the honker’s saw out but didn’t hear anything. He said maybe he moved it to get to something. No, if it was out, it was because he used it. So, what is this going to be, the new weekend ritual? Sighs. 60-something more days, and he’s gone.

Later still…

Good gosh, on a scale of 1 to 10, my fatigue is a 10-plus tonight. It’s been horrible. I’ve been struggling so badly to get things done.

Being as curious as I usually am, I asked AI what organs are affected first when bladder cancer spreads, if you do have it. After spreading to the lymph nodes, as is typical, it can affect the lungs first, making for shorter breath. “I did not read that!” I said to myself. And I’ll ignore the fact that hair falls out from chemo. Seriously, I’m 99.9% sure it’s just inflammation. We just have to find out what’s causing it. But just like asthma is a type of inflammation and they got that under control—even back when I smoked, as Tom pointed out—hopefully, they can get this under control as well.

The shortness of breath does have me a bit mystified, however. Yes, it could be the levo, but this isn’t the way it usually affects me, and that was only in the beginning. It could be a Florida thing, just like my nose. Or it could be connected to sleep apnea, which can make you feel breathless during the hours you’re awake, fatigue, and nerves. Really hope it isn’t connected to the spray after all but I doubt it or else I wouldn’t have had tight spells in between now and the last time I was on the spray.

Skipped my meds because my lungs felt a little tight, but I’m so damn tired that maybe I should have just taken them. Once I got up and started moving around, my lungs didn’t seem as tight anyway.

One of my favorite cyber besties brought up a new possibility—endometriosis. It could explain some of the symptoms I’ve been having, but only indirectly. It might only be the case if I had tissue growing on the outer uterus, affecting the bladder or ureters. We don’t know for sure if that’s happening, but it’s a possibility. Right now, my first guess is cystitis. Depending on what the urologist finds out, I might have to see a gynecologist.

The biggest issue is the burning and elevated leukocytes. It could still be a stubborn UTI. Hopefully, I’ll have a good idea in less than a week, though they’re certainly not going to do imaging that day.

On the bright side, the combination of Claritin and Nasacort does seem to be helping. It’s not perfect, but it’s better.

Just let the rat run around for a while and had fun rearranging my Pinterest boards. Since I’m tired again, I’m not sure I’m going to do much. I’m still on nights, there aren’t many jobs, and even fewer with the weekend approaching. I’ll likely lose myself in my writing and coloring, though I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to hit the road. I think I can get in a few miles. Just wish I could make up my mind and settle on a story idea—whether it’s something I already started or something new, and which characters I want to use.

Because I have fatigue so often, I sometimes opt for the less healthy option of prepared foods. I had cheesy spinach au gratin cakes, and OMG, it was so damn good! Even the rat loved it, but rats pretty much like everything. Yes, I share most of my food with her.

I usually have two meals and three snacks, with the snacks being mostly fruits and veggies. My second meal is home-cooked but simple compared to making soups or casseroles because all I do is throw stuff in the cooker. I tossed in a chicken leg, a corn cob, some sugar snap peas, and mushrooms.

I would love to have a smart oven and one of those smart refrigerators that tell you when things expire, but I don't know if I’ll ever have that. 

I'm super tired today. I woke up a million times—once with that lower stomach pain. I ended up getting carried away between that wonderful soup I made and then eating too many fish sticks, so it’s probably a digestive issue, as Rhonda suggested.

If I didn’t experience fatigue so often, I’d opt to see Rhonda in person as a way to get out into the fresh air and sunshine. But because I never know how I’m going to feel, I’ll probably schedule our next appointment virtually, which she said I could do.

I keep going back and forth trying to decide whether or not I have a yeast infection, but one thing I can say for sure is that the stuff I’ve been using to treat it—if I even have one—is making me even more irritated and itchy. So I’m going to assume I don’t unless my symptoms worsen. Whatever the hell I’ve got going on right now can’t be tied to atrophy. I just don’t see how that could be possible.

For just 186 points, I ordered moisturizing socks from my insurance company. These are better than the ones I got before that had an open heel and a silicone pad glued onto them. They’re aloe vera-infused and you apply lotion as usual and then slip the socks on, which is supposed to help the moisturizer work even better. Then you just wash them like regular socks. The color options were black or pink, and of course, I got pink.

I really like this insurance company better than any I’ve had so far. I’m sure I won’t be able to keep them next year, though, now that we know how screwy things work here. I still miss Galileo, but don’t expect to ever have them again.

Ray’s back, so wherever he went, it was just for a few days. I thought it was an odd time for him to take off. Just a couple more months and we can ditch the snowbirds for the storms, power outages, and hurricanes.

A part of me hopes that my parents, if they are in some kind of afterlife, fully know and understand how everything they ever said or did to me affected me and made me feel. I like the idea of anyone I’ve ever interacted with, whether positively or negatively, knowing how they impacted me.

The problem with that is that it would require an afterlife to exist and I’d honestly rather there not be one as there’s no guarantee it would be good. I’d rather there be no afterlife at all than risk the possibility of it being worse than this life. It’s still a nice concept, though I don’t take unproven things literally like most people seem to. Just because I like the idea of something doesn’t always mean it’s true.

Since I’m pretty tired, I’m going to spend the night being lazy. I’m on nights now, so there isn’t much else I can do anyway. It’s not like I can go outside and enjoy the sunlight, and there aren’t many jobs available at this hour. I doubt I’ll have the energy to work out, but I will definitely be doing some writing, coloring, and watching Lifetime movies. It’s easy for me to bitch about them and swear I’m going to cancel because of all the holiday stuff that comes out before Christmas. And yeah, I do get sick of the stereotypes and predictability. But at the same time, I really do enjoy a lot of their movies.

I decided to pee on a test strip, figuring I'd still get the same, if not very similar, results that way as I would by dunking it in a cup of pee. The leukocytes are still mostly mild but moving toward moderate—about 1/4 of the way there.

Last night, I had tons of burning, and nothing I did seemed to soothe it. I tried ibuprofen and hydrocortisone to no avail, but some Tucks cream seemed to help. Right now, it's not too bad, but since alcohol is listed as an irritant and I just sat down to enjoy some wine, it’ll be interesting to see if it gets worse within the next half hour to two hours. From what I’ve read, that’s about how long it takes for liquids to reach the bladder.

I grabbed a cheap Disney-themed coloring book at Walmart. It's cute, but the paper is rather smooth, which makes it a little tougher for some colors to bond well. Now that I have more experience with this sort of thing, I can judge brands of mediums and books better, and I think Creative Haven coloring books are the best. The paper quality is good, the lines aren’t too thin, and the drawings are bordered, which I prefer.

Looks like Ray’s taken off somewhere, so now his driveway can be a community parking lot. I didn’t expect him to leave so soon. I wonder if his house in Michigan sold.

Last night, I heard tons of coyotes going off after midnight, and then, all of a sudden—dead silence. It was weird, but it’s a reminder that even if I had the energy, going out for late-night walks like I used to in the old places is probably not a wise idea. In the city, it's the people you have to worry about; in rural areas, it's the wildlife.

I asked Chat for some bladder-friendly soup recipes and decided to try one of the three it gave me. Originally, it was a potato and leek recipe, but since leeks are rather pricey, I swapped them out for shallots. When I first tasted it, I thought it was pretty lame and wished I had used two shallots instead of one. Once I seasoned it with some rosemary and oregano, it was actually quite good. When the diced potatoes softened in the boiling broth, I chose to mash them rather than use the mixer so there would still be bits of potato to give it more substance.

Not today, but soon enough, I’m going to make stuffed portobello mushrooms. I’ve also got a couple of different chicken-based soups I want to try.

Since I’m sensitive to dairy and shouldn’t have too much of it, I’ve been having smoothies early in the day using unsweetened almond milk. I’m surprised by the energy they seem to give me. When I woke up, I was pretty damn tired, even though I slept 8.5 hours and got a sleep score of 89 but perked up after the smoothie. I remember waking up a handful of times, as usual. Nane was in one of my dreams—she had her hair in pigtails and was asking me about some military base in the strangest accent. It definitely didn’t sound German.

Nothing bad has befallen me since that horrible dream the night before, but every now and then, these dreams turn out to be meaningless, or bad things don’t always follow in the timeframe that they usually do. Hopefully, this one was meaningless!

Not that I’m desperate to get out of here, but I wonder if we ever really will move someday. I think we likely will, although I don’t know exactly where or when. All I know is that until then, I’m going to enjoy the climate, having two bathrooms, and having 1,000 square feet instead of 500. I know we’re going to have to start off pretty damn small, and knowing how things usually take longer than expected, it could be quite a while before we have more space and an extra bathroom.

In Phoenix, back in the rentals, I used to hate waking up having to pee only to find him in the bathroom. I don’t know what it is with guys, but they spend so much time in there taking their dumps. He says it isn’t the same for them—I guess they don’t just feel a dump coming on and go take it. They have to sit and relax on the toilet with a magazine or their phones or something until it happens. As a kid, I remember my dad spent quite a bit of time in the bathroom, too. That’s why the ladies of the house usually used the upstairs bathroom while he used the downstairs one.

We're going to have to adjust the slant to Tinkerbella's ramps because she's been having a harder time climbing them since she's getting old and is kind of fat too, thanks to her mommy spoiling her.

The more I use it, the more I love ChatGPT—not just because it helps double-check my writing for correctness. It’s incredibly helpful in so many ways, from medical advice to dietary guidance to information about various places and so much more. It even gave me some food and drink ideas I never would have thought of on my own, ideas that might have been hard to come up with the old-fashioned way. Well, maybe not hard, but not easy either.

It gave me a few different soup recipes that are bladder-friendly, and I want to try them. I’m trying to eliminate as many bladder irritants as I can. I’m still experiencing burning on and off, and it’s hard to tell exactly where it’s coming from. I still don’t know for sure if I ever really had a yeast infection or, if I did, whether it’s actually gone. I don’t always get the applicators up there successfully, so sometimes I have to dab some on my finger and apply it that way.

I’ve also been thinking of ways to add some pizzazz to my water since plain water is so boring, but water flavor packets can be expensive and not very healthy. ChatGPT suggested I add some of my herbal teas, and since I have plenty of them, that’s a great idea. I love how Chat has become more interactive, asking follow-up questions to keep the conversation going. That way, I get even more useful information.

The more I think about it, the more I believe Rhonda is correct in thinking I have cystitis. The problem is that I’m getting conflicting information about whether having cystitis means you have an infection. My leukocytes seem to go up when I experience the burning sensation. I also found out my bilirubin is high, but it doesn’t seem like something to really worry about. With only about 83K cases of bladder cancer per year, I’d say it’s unlikely that’s what’s going on. I think they’ll do some imaging, but in the end, they’ll probably tell me it’s cystitis and that I just have to watch what I eat and drink.

I’m definitely not giving up my coffee. Yeah, figures that has to be on the list of irritants. I’m not giving up wine either, though I don’t drink it every day anymore. But I can swap out my Sweet’N Low for Stevia, which ChatGPT said would be better for me, as well as change or drop some other things. Rhonda’s nurse said strawberries aren’t good, and they aren’t a thyroid-friendly food anyway. Of course, neither is spinach, but I still eat it.

I don’t know for sure what’s going on with me, but I suspect my bladder is just getting sensitive to certain foods and drinks, which is causing the burning sensation—hence, the rise in leukocytes. From what I’ve read, simple irritation alone, without infection, can cause them to rise. Hopefully, I don’t have stones or any structural issues, but I won’t know that on the day I see the urologist for the first time. Appointments always lead to more appointments. Hopefully, I’ll only end up needing two: one to discuss my symptoms and another for imaging.

A couple of years ago, I created a Facebook group for journaling, but I got sick of it and let it sit there. Last night, I decided to turn it into an adult coloring group. I only have a couple of members, and for now, the group is private. I thought about making it public since it would be interesting to see who might find it and want to join, but I don’t want to get into the whole moderation game like Andy loves to do with his groups.

Again, I don’t think the doctor is going to find anything significant. But if last night’s dreams are anything to go by, then—as a psychic—I should be worried. Not necessarily about my bladder, but about something bad happening. It may not be dangerous, but it could be pretty damn unpleasant like the norovirus was.

I had another dream involving water. First, though, I had a dream that Tom received a subpoena to go to court, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was for. But the lake dream definitely has me concerned. Whenever I have dreams like that, something bad usually happens within a few days, so it may not even be connected to my bladder issues. That appointment isn’t for nine days, and I don’t expect to learn much at that time, so I wonder if something else will happen in the meantime. Wouldn’t surprise me with my shit luck but I hope not!

In the dream, I was sunbathing by a large, round lake with a bunch of other people around my age. In a split second, I was in the middle of the lake, not remembering how the hell I got there. The shoreline seemed so far away. I shouted to people, but no one seemed to hear me. I started to panic because I was so far out, and that’s when I woke up. Knowing I might drown before reaching the shore caused me to panic, and these are the types of dreams that often signal trouble ahead.

Interestingly enough, I asked ChatGPT if certain foods could increase the chances of dreaming, and cheese was listed as one of them. Well, I had a piece of Muenster cheese before bed.

Made it to Poland on my virtual ride! I’m going to be there for quite a while before I reach Slovakia.

It’s a beautiful 80-degree day here today and dry for Florida.

We went to Publix so I could get some grapes and blueberries, along with one of those single-serve Piña Coladas by Chi-Chi’s. 

Before that, we stopped at Walgreens to pick up the prescription vitamin D his doctor ordered for him. Since he eats mostly junk, he doesn’t get much vitamin D from food, and he’s not outdoors much.

Rhonda thinks my problem sounds more like cystitis than a UTI and recommended daily cranberry juice, Azo, and avoiding certain foods and drinks that irritate the bladder. The thing is, cystitis is a form of a UTI. Even a good friend with a medical background said it’s just a fancy word for an infection. We both still wonder if something else is going on, which is why I’m keeping my urologist appointment. Dabbing a bit of hydrocortisone down there helps when the burning really gets to me. Between that, watching what I eat and drink, and taking ibuprofen, I should be fine until I see them. I knew it was more than just atrophy because I’ve been keeping myself well-lubed.

I also disagree with what the experts say about "too many" UTIs. Supposedly, two or more within six months or three or more within a year is considered excessive. But come on! I hadn’t had any since the '90s, and now I’ve had four in just 3.5 years. That’s way too much for me personally. Maybe it’s just menopause, but I need to rule out stones.

Did a dipstick test earlier, and at least the leukocytes have gone down.

Just like with the Cipro, the Bactrim helped my UTI, but it flared up again as soon as I was done with it. I have burning down there again, and I don’t see the urologist until the 13th. I am so ready to beat my head against the wall. I messaged Rhonda and asked if she had any suggestions to help me get through until then.

Tom wonders whether I might need a GYN, and I’m starting to think the same. I almost wish the urologist I’ll be seeing was one of those uro-GYNs. For now, I’m using ibuprofen and hydrocortisone cream. What the fuck is causing this?! I’ve never had this problem in my life until a few years ago. I get that I’m getting old, but still—this is fucking ridiculous.

The hair-cutting tools came, and they work great. If you had really thin hair, you might not get a good grip with the clips, but because mine is pretty thick, they held snugly. We put it in back with the sides curving upward, and then he slowly cut across the bottom of the clip. He saw a tutorial where someone pulled their hair in front, making the sides curve downward to help frame their face. I might try that sometime. For now, we cut it to my shoulders from nearly the middle of my back, and it looks good—a lot healthier now that all that damaged, frizzy hair is gone. I don’t know if it’s from all the dye, my thyroid issues, or just aging that’s killing it. Once all the colored hair eventually grows out, I’ll get a better sense of my natural hair’s condition. I wish it were thinner and straighter, but I’d settle for just straighter—it would be so much easier to manage.

I’m totally stumped on where to go with my storywriting. I still don’t know if I want to add to old stories or start something new. If I start fresh, do I want to use fictitious characters, or do I want to throw in someone I’ve seen or known? I keep asking myself, and I just can’t decide. Maybe I could reuse some past fictional characters, or maybe Kate or Nane—my top two muses—could return in new roles. I’ll have to think about it some more.

The honker is doing what the honker does best.... being annoying. As soon as I heard the hammering, I knew it was him. It appears he’s doing the trim inside the lanai. I thought the damn thing was done already. It might explain why the dog hasn't been moved back in there yet.

He's got an old washer and dryer in his driveway as well. Guess he's going to do the whole damn place from top to bottom and then some.

Yesterday, as you can see from my last journal entry, I was in a horrible mood. I slept better last night, so I’m in a better mood today. I’m actually in the Burger King parking lot, waiting for Tom to get us burgers and fries.

I took the last Bactrim as well as the Diflucan. I decided I would take it now rather than save it for the next infection, but I’m still not sure my UTI is completely gone. I can’t tell if the irritation I still have is due to the UTI or yeast. At least the piss doctor is only 13 days away. Tomorrow, I will do another test strip and see what the leukocyte reading is. Sometimes I still get the feeling something else is going on, but I think in reality, it’s just menopause. It sucks big time.

Ordered some really cool hair-cutting tools because I’m just tired of battling these long, thick curls—mostly because the hair is so damaged. I don’t know how much of that is attributed to dyes, thyroid, or just age. My goal is to eventually cut off all the dyed hair so I can see what condition my natural hair is in. Anyway, it’s a bar that you clamp onto the hair right above where you want to cut it. The biggest bar is curved, and that’s what I’ll put behind me by my neck, then have Tom lop off everything underneath it. There’s another shorter bar that’s straight for trimming bangs. I don’t really have bangs at the moment, but hopefully, I can make the top layer simple enough on my own—I think I can.

Got burgers, fries, and mozzarella sticks from Burger King. Couldn't get the salt-free fries from the app, but they were still edible. I never saw why people like salt. I don’t like the sensation of it in my mouth.

Winter officially ended a couple of days ago here. We may have an occasional chilly day, but for the most part, we're back up in the 70s.