Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve been less open to the idea of being so honest about various aspects of my life. Yet I’ve always been quick to tell it like it is because I never cared what people thought. And when I say I don’t care what people think that doesn’t mean I don’t care about my husband’s feelings or that I would go out of my way to be rude to someone in public; it just means that in general, I don’t care who knows what about me because we all have our strengths, weaknesses, ups and downs. They frustrate me sometimes, but I’m not ashamed of them and I’ve never had any reason to lie or joke about them since there’s nothing to fear or gain. I’m 46 years old, for God’s sake. So who the hell could send me to my room without dinner if they learned something about me in particular that they didn’t like? Who could spank me because they didn’t like that I was born with a deformed ear or something like that? How could lying or joking about working at home make me rich in any way? So if I have nothing to fear or gain from the truth since I’m not a child in anyone’s custody and in need of anyone’s permission or approval, then why was my sexuality on trial earlier on Ask? IDK, maybe Andy was just playing with me and maybe I’m just imagining it, but sometimes I wonder if those who I think should know me best really know me at all. Or maybe they’ve just been bullshitted to death so many times by so many people that they’ve lost their ability to believe anyone, and I literally mean anyone.

But it’s true… sometimes I wonder if I’d have been better off not sharing as much of my life with anyone. When you keep a public journal, though, you can’t help who may see it, but sometimes I’m “questioned” about the strangest and dumbest things that I never would expect to be questioned about. If I said I was abducted by aliens and taken to another planet for some Chinese food, then I could see people being skeptical about it, but sometimes some people think I’m joking if I say I just brushed my teeth – WTF? Next thing you know I’m gonna get, “You’re not Jodi. I know you’re not really Jodi.”

Is it me or is it them? Ok, so I’m unique in some ways and I’m also as complex as I am simple, but when I look into my eyes in the mirror and I read back on some of the words in my journal, I fail to see a liar or a joker hiding in shame or fear amongst them. Because some people seem to think they mean so much to me that I would make up stories just to amuse and entertain them or perhaps make excuses because I fear some huge punishment should the truth be told, I’m now pickier about who I share what with. I still publish most things, but I do some entries for friends only and some are even totally private.

No one did this when my last rat died, but when my next pet dies and I write about how sad I am and how much I’ll miss that pet, I don’t need to be accused of lying simply to get pity and attention. So I keep some things to myself, particularly medical problems. I’ll mention it if my allergies go on the fritz, but if I should develop any new health problems of any significant kind I’ve decided that I’m going to keep it to myself. A part of me could kick myself for mentioning my sleep disorder. But if I said I had an outside job and stayed offline when I was supposedly working, that would make me a liar. Also, if I said, “Ha, ha, I was just kidding and just making it up to cover for some grand truth that could be used against me somehow,” once I was doubted, then that would also make me a liar. Well, the word is out about the sleep thing. I can’t take it back and I’m nobody’s liar either. Meaning I don’t tell people what they want to hear whether it’s because they don’t get it, don’t want to get it, or because they have serious trust issues they haven’t dealt with. But I can be nobody’s confidant. I can watch whom I tell what to or just keep my damn mouth shut altogether.

People really do surprise me sometimes, mostly by way of their hypocrisy or what kinds of people are more likely to take me at face value. I’ve had people fatter than me pick on my weight and I’ve had virtual strangers put their trust and faith in me that not even my own mother ever would do. WTF? Again, just WTF? LOL, I know it sounds funny, but hey, who am I to be able to explain the human mind and why people sometimes act in ways we’d least expect? And so I’ve learned to develop a “secretive” side to me at least in some ways since I’d much rather just not say anything at all about certain things than tell someone what they wanted to hear or make up stories about it. I’m not going to tell you I’ve conquered my driving phobia if I haven’t. I’m not going to deny being creeped out by spiders simply because you might not see how that’s possible since rats, mice and snakes don’t scare me. I can’t always know up front who’s going to want to throw me on trial and challenge me for what, but I have a feeling, for example, some people wouldn’t believe me if I said that less than a year ago the possibility of saving just 10 bucks seemed insane but now we have thousands. So those are the kinds of things I’ll be more selective about.

I wonder if some of the questions on Ask that seem to be from the troll are really someone just trying to make it look that way. The questions are similar, but the writing style isn’t, so that’s why I wonder. Guess I’ll never know, though.

I already got half my weekend weight off, but now I’m hungry as hell. Why is it that the longer I’m up the hungrier I get?

You know what? Fuck this honesty. Fuck always being me. Instead of always being so damn honest, could it really hurt to tell a little white lie here and there just to placate people and keep them off my back? I’m not saying that I should lie and twist everything, but the biggest thing people don’t get or have a problem with seems to be the sleep/job issue. So can it really hurt to say I’m working some menial little job once we’re moved and on a bus line? I don’t want to go so far as Kim that I’m impersonating celebrities and telling so many lies that I can’t tell fact from fiction, but that one thing is simple enough to change. I’m not going to say I was lying or joking about the sleep thing, just that I’ve learned to “work around” it. I always did want to see if I could get myself into at least a little role-playing anyway as long as it wasn’t anything too extreme cuz I think it could be fun. I’m just sick of the backlash I get for being a “1950s” woman, even though I know that had I had kids, for example, I’d get shit for not being a “modern” woman since kids aren’t as common as they used to be. Meaning that the population may’ve gone up in the last 50 years, but fewer of those women have kids.

Later...

MyOpera is having visibility issues right now and they’re not usually any quicker to deal with their glitches anymore than Thoughts is, so I’m posting daily in both blogs. My posts made after yesterday on MO aren’t showing up in the blog for some reason. They can only be accessed via the archive or through any links I post on Facebook. So as much as I hate to deal with snail-slow Thoughts on a daily basis, I’m going to anyway. I love Thoughts otherwise, I’m just fed up with every single damn site I use having problems and not doing anything about it!

That fucking kid of Jesse’s has been zipping up and down the drive on the dirt bike and it even zipped through here once. One more time and we’re calling up to Jesse to tell him to keep his damn kid to himself! Why couldn’t the damn thing be a girl?

Anyway, tomorrow’s the benefits meeting at work for Tom. He feels they’ll be pretty good since it’s a European country that the company’s based in. You usually have to work a year before you can get one lousy week off with U.S. companies, but in Europe, you usually get around 25-30 days. So the fact that he’s got 3 weeks off in his first year makes him hopeful the benefits will be good because like it or not there really are some things better about Europe as opposed to the U.S.

I know this may be just a dream, but I really wish we only had two more moves to make in our lives; to an adult community for the next 11 years, then to Spain when he retires. We won’t mind leaving everything behind but our clothes and toiletries.

The vitamins haven’t helped much to make me feel less sluggish, though I realize it’s mostly due to a lack of calories. It’s no wonder they recommend no less than 1500, but I’d never lose the few pounds I gain over the weekend if I didn’t drop to 1200-1300 like I do during the week.

We decided to bomb one last time this weekend, but not just because of the packing we’re doing, stirring up corners where bugs love to hide, and opening boxes that have sat around for ages, but because we know we’re going to be here another few months anyway and it’s prime time for bugs now. Even the shed’s going to be bombed despite the little vent holes up top. The shed is the most likely place for creepy crawlies and black widows are always a possibility. Even scorpions. Scorpions are more of a desert thing, but I have seen them here. Just once did I see this particular nightmare, but black widows, tarantulas and scorpions really do exist here.

Although we refused to answer them, Aly and I got hit with some very troll-like questions on Ask like why we were being so mean to her, why we were talking about her, and how ashamed we should be of ourselves. The thing is that they’re not written in the way Molly usually writes. Alison pointed out in a PM on FB the telltale signs of Molly which simply weren’t present in this round of questions, and we both know Molly’s not smart enough to change her writing style. But neither is Kim, and there were plenty of telltale Kim signs on this last round for sure.

I agree with Aly when she said the more she learns about Kim (the real one) the less she likes her. I think Kim has lived in a fantasy world for so long now and has been so many damn people in her mind and online that not even she can keep track of what’s real and what’s not at this point.

She was asked, for example, what her hair and eye colors were. She answered with blue and blond. Ok, blue, I can buy, but blond? I’ve seen enough pictures to see that clearly, her hair is brown. She doesn’t dye her hair, nor does she strike me as the type to even if she were old and gray. Yet as Aly confirms, she always claims to be blond. Colorblind? Or is that just what she’s told herself so many times that that’s what she believes?

Aly admitted she asked her some questions anonymously just to test her reaction. Nothing vulgar or anything, but things like if she’s recently lied to anyone and other questions she hasn’t answered.

I wanted to give her back some of her “Molly” questions just to fuck with her but if I get too obvious, she’ll suspect it’s coming from someone she knows well.

If they weren’t so well written I’d wonder if my “pretty lady” fan was really Kim, but that’s nothing Kim would do. Kim lacks originality, too. “r u a retard?” is more like Kim. Molly’s questions would usually have a whiny and accusatory ring to them and would be in regard to her. Not the person they were going to. Like Kim, this person is also capping odd words whereas Molly didn’t use contractions very often and often left out spaces between sentences. Molly also isn’t a fan of caps. We still believe most of the Molly questions are indeed from Molly or someone who knows her.

I just asked Kim anonymously who her top 3 online friends are because I know I’m one of them and I want to see how she spells my name. She seems to spell my name right in her silly stories, but oddly enough, so does Molly when so many people spell it wrong. Even Nane still spells it Jodie or Jody when I’m not the usual Lady Rainbow.

I sometimes wonder if some of the strange questions I get could be from Nane, Andy, someone else I know, or just a random person there who’s read enough of my answers and questions to know just enough of what to ask me.

Aly’s admitted to asking a few anonymous questions when she wasn’t logged in, but they’ve all been the kinds of questions she’d ask anyway. Me too, only it was because I forgot to uncheck the “ask anonymously” box. Usually, I remember, but sometimes I do forget.

Andy would be the most likely to ask some of the goofy and even dirty anonymous questions, but I think it’s mostly troll-related or just random people. That’s the fun of Ask, though, wondering and guessing who’s who of the anonymous people. Maliheh? Nane? Nah, too “grown-up” and well-behaved. Mitch? Adonis? Maybe.

Later...

The official packing has begun. At least some of it has. We’re going to pick up 4 or 5 of those plastic bins I mentioned earlier each week. I just emptied out a huge, but old and flimsy box and packed what was in it that I wanted to keep into a bin. Then I threw what we’re either going to sell or leave behind into a smaller box. We need to organize, store and sell things whether we are moving or not, anyway.

Tom spent a few hours today going through the shed. He was going to yesterday but yesterday we had to spray inside and out for those fucking yellow jackets. There were two of them in the bathroom. Tom didn’t see any hives where the water tank is or up in the cooler, so they could be coming up through the pipes under the bathroom sink. I can’t wait to leave this freak show we call home! It’s just that I sometimes worry we won’t be able to find anything affordable in an adult community that we want that’s close enough to where he works. I’ll scream if our only options are apartments, mainstream houses, or some other dump on another shared lot. I’m as tired of “sharing” as I am against the idea of attached living. But would we have been living in tiny old dives for this long if it weren’t what was meant to be?

Later...

Ok, I’m officially creeped out after two spiders and one stinkbug. God knows what other nightmares got stirred up when I was rummaging in the closet earlier beginning to sort things for moving.

I can’t get online now rolls eyes but hey, what else is new? Tom thinks the thermostat’s signal may be interfering with the modem. And I think AT&T is just fucked up. So I’m typing this in Word until I’m able to post it.

So…dove sono tutti? Where is everyone? I heard from Andy and Eileen, but I wonder where Kim and Aly are today. I don’t expect to hear from Nane, of course, since she’s on vacation. I check her wall once a day, though, just to see if she’s checked in from the hotel and maybe even posted some pictures.

I’m wondering if my sister’s Facebook account has been taken over. She was supposed to have returned last week yet I still haven’t heard from her. There’s also some weird shit on her wall. A picture of 3 girls attending their prom. Well, Tammy was tagged as one of these girls and there are all these likes and comments from people I’m not sure are even on her friend list.

Oh, here we go again with the anonymous questions from someone who hints at knowing me.

My allergies have been annoying on and off but nothing too serious. The forecast called for rain on Friday. “Yeah, right,” I said to myself, and sure enough it’s down to just clouds now. It shouldn’t rain till the fall. Personally, I hope it doesn’t rain while we’re still here and wash away the poison we sprayed all over the cooler, doors and windows.

Kim just checked in on Ask and I’m wondering if she asked me the last two questions anonymously asking if I knew who they were.

My allergies are getting worse. I really don’t want to have to take Benadryl now and be knocked out for a couple of hours.

I’m really starting to think Kim’s asking herself some of the same questions she’s asked Aly and me to try to throw us off her scent. I mean it could still be troll-related, but I think she’s the new troll. I really do. Oh, to be able to track Ask!

Not much going on so far today. It’s been a quiet and warm Saturday. Jesse stayed home last night, but who knows about tonight?

This morning Tom got clear plastic storage bins at Walmart. They’re nice. They’ll be great for both moving and storing stuff.

I can’t wait till next week! That’s when the benefits meeting is and he’ll know exactly what it’s going to cost. Then we’ll have a better idea of what we can look for in a rental.

We went out to Carl’s Jr. earlier, and a lizard ran into the kitchen as we were leaving. We managed to scare it back out.

Now we’re relaxing till we get to work on more moving preparations. We’re starting with the shed and sorting what we’re going to dump, sell and take with us. Well, he’s the one who’s mostly dealing with that. I’m not about to go hang out with the spiders and the bees and all that.

I started back up with the vitamins today, so hopefully I won’t feel so sluggish so often. I’m taking a couple of days off from running too, to let my knee heal. It’s not injured or anything, but I had a slight pain right above the kneecap on the left knee, so I’m giving it a break.

Still no word from Tammy. I thought I’d have an update from her by now, though I realize she’s only going to tell me what she wants me to know. And God knows how many things she tells me will even be true.

Later...

I was lying in bed in the pitch blackness of the night just relaxing to the sound of Tom snoring and vehicles on the distant highway. As I lay there I remembered waking up to pee late one night when I was around 7 or 8. My mother, who was always a night owl, had been watching TV on a tiny old black and white in the bedroom next to mine. I came out of the bathroom a few minutes later and she followed me as I returned to my bedroom and slunk down under the covers. I fumbled for a moment with the covers which she gently and lovingly tucked snugly around me. I was off to sleep again in no time.

Here I now sit over 40 years and 3000 miles later and I can’t help but wonder how. How could this same woman go on to slap the crap out of me, not too often, but enough to make sure I’d never forget it? How could she have taunted me about my weight when I spent 95% of my youth thin? How could she have said some of the cruel things she said to me? How could she have sent me away just so she could have a quieter household? How could she have refused her own daughter’s pleas to come back home as I cried and begged on the phone and in letters? My happiness was in her hands for decades like a piece of paper. But she took that piece of paper and squeezed it in her fist so tight until it crumbled to nothing.

How is it possible for me to feel the empathy I feel for her for what she’s going through right now after the recent loss of her husband of 62 years? How is it possible to retain at least some love for her as she suffers the rest of her life in loneliness, is left alone to deal with her health problems, and then eventually dies? I mean I suppose sooner or later either Tammy will take her in or she’ll go live in some nursing home or some type of assisted living program, but how can I feel any pity for this negative, domineering witch who basically already has one foot in the grave? When you think about it, it’s just a waiting game from here on out. She could live another 5-10 years, but under the circumstances, would most people feel all that blessed about that?

Yet while I don’t know that I ever can or will fully forgive my mother any more than some people in Arizona or God Himself, I do feel a stab of pity, however slight it may be. I know that despite the many times we’ve butted heads in life, my sister would understand my mixed emotions, not that being understood really matters. I know how I feel and that’s good enough for me. I let myself feel what I feel even if I don’t always like what I feel.

Well, I’m not as sensitive to cruel words as I was as a child, she would never slap me now, and I’m still “thin” for a 46-year-old woman barely brushing the 5-foot marker, but she can never ever hurt me again. She can never really hurt me again. Yeah, that’s the one thing I realize as I compare the past to the present and that’s that even in my utmost toughest of times as an adult, life is always better than it was for me as a child. The only thing worse about it is that there have been moments in adulthood in which I feared for my survival due to the poverty that my mother will never have even the slightest inkling of a taste of no matter how many more years the old witch has left in her.

“Are we going to be able to pay the rent? Do you really think we’ll make it this month?” It is sooo nice not to have to ask questions like that! Yet despite an economy that isn’t much better and a God that probably still hates us for reasons we’ll never know, we’re doing better than we were in Oregon, in some ways, and even when we were in Arizona. Our expenses here are more than they were in Oregon, but we don’t have all our money going into an $1100 mortgage payment and a $450 electric bill either like we did in Arizona. Oh, the freedom of renting! I sometimes miss being the boss of the place, but it’s not worth it at all unless you own the place outright.

Lately, we could live off his OT alone, seeing that he’s made over $80 in OT each day this week. He made enough to pay the rent and buy 3 weeks’ worth of groceries in one week. Not bad. Not bad at all.

I thought that the average American made $45K - $65K in the U.S., but Tom’s research shows that the average male makes $33K and the average female makes $25K. This still makes no sense seeing that the average woman is smarter than the average man. But if that’s so, then he’s actually above average. Next week they’re on for 10-hour days instead of 12.

Anyway, both of us are going to spend most of the weekend eating and sleeping, though we’ll sort through some stuff along the way, too.

Heard a bunch of car door slamming and even a quick horn honk at Jesse’s. This is one thing I dread about having neighbors so close to me once again. Everyone seems to have tons of company every day. Well, all that car door slamming can get pretty old if it’s right outside your place. I refuse to ever again take a place where the neighbor’s driveway runs alongside our place. I hate that! So you could say I’m both excited and apprehensive about the move. I just hate to end up in a place that may turn out worse than this place could ever be, but if we have any doubts for whatever reason, we’ll just stay put. No, I don’t like dealing with Jesse’s shit, but at least it’s pretty predictable. I’m not going to miss the place stinking of skunks every now and then, that’s for sure. Yeah, a skunk made another blast-off last night. At the dogs, I hope:)

He was leaving on the motorcycle as Tom was coming in. If we were behind him as he was leaving on that thing and I was behind the wheel, it would be sooo hard to resist the urge to terrorize him a bit and get a little too close to his back wheel and shit like that, LOL. Then again, I think it may be more fun to let Jesse watch us “tow” his dogs away. As in chained to the back bumper. grins evilly

So Donna Summer died yesterday at 63 of cancer. An article I read on her said she once made anti-gay remarks. It appalls me when anyone is hateful of anyone who doesn’t hurt anyone and who wants nothing more than equal rights, but it especially appalls me when the person is black and supposedly should know better, even if they’ve been treated just fine for the most part for decades now and have been given more rights than anyone else out there. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Obama were re-elected because of his color. Where the country idolizes youth and money, it also idolizes blacks. I’d just rather the Democrats be in power vs. the Republicans, black or white, because the Republicans tend to be more hateful towards gays and they don’t believe a woman should have any rights either. Anyway, I don’t know if Donna meant it or not, but she later apologized for her big mouth and said she realized it wasn’t her place to judge people. No, it wasn’t, but she had a helluva voice and I loved a lot of her songs. She definitely made up a huge part of the disco era.

When I got up I picked up my Nane messages. It was her last day of work and now she’s off to TR for the next couple of weeks. I was giggling to myself when I thought of how both Jim and I were going on vacation with her in a sense. Only I’m going in the form of my books, LOL. Yeah, she’ll be catching up on some of my stories and who knows what else of mine while she’s relaxing on one of those rocky beaches. She now has doubts about retiring there since TR doesn’t have a social system like Europe and the U.S. No insurance or anything like that and I guess you can’t rent places there. You can only buy them.

“Funny how I win all these writing contests and awards yet still never make much money from my writing,” I had said to her.

“Sabır, kızım sabır,” Nane told me, which in Turkish means, “Patience, girl, patience.” So without meaning to, I’m learning some Turkish words here and there cuz of her. Before we met I wouldn’t have been able to recognize Turkish writing but they don’t dot all their i’s and they have other telltale signs which I now recognize.

We wouldn’t do this, of course, but it would be so funny if someone mailed the next people a postcard which I know Jesse would read since it all comes to his mailbox saying: How do you like the trailer? Glad the landlord never discovered your rap sheet. After all, attempted murder is a biggie, etc. LMAO!

LOL, so the Royal Canadian Mounted Pigs looked in on one of my Thoughts blogs, which just so happened to be the one wishing someone would take care of the dogs, but I’m not worried about it. First of all, no one can do anything to someone for simply wishing upon a star, lest they try to just to end up making that person rich when they sue them for violating their rights. Secondly, it is Canadian bacon, after all, and not American. Had it said they were the PD in the black bitch’s town, then I’d be shitting some bricks. I’m almost surprised they haven’t pestered me, though if they bother me again I’m going to try not to let them get to me. Unless they crash through these doors, there’s no sense in letting them intimidate me in any way. So long as there’s no federal warrant out on me, they can’t touch me unless they set me up really bad, and I mean really bad. While that possibility is always there, I would hope they’d have better things to do than to pick on me.

Anyway, I’m not worried about the Royal Piggies. It was probably just a bored person surfing the net. Lots of businesses have employees that do that, so why should the pigs be an exception?

Is it wrong to want to please someone you have a crush on? Within reason, of course. Ok, so it’s not like I would jump off a bridge if the person wanted me to and while they never asked or demanded that I do so, I woke up feeling a twinge of guilt for deleting Christiane simply because I thought it might make Nane feel better. I know I’m just being silly, though. Whether Nane might’ve wanted me to or not, it’s not like Christiane and I were good friends. We didn’t get to know each other very well at all, something I attributed to us having never met in person before, which I can understand. Facebook isn’t usually the place for “collectors,” not that I’ve ever been one myself. It’s just that people tend to take their friends there a little more seriously and prefer them to be those they’ve actually met or at least established some sort of a cyber connection with elsewhere before adding them there.

Nonetheless, I sent Christiane a message a little while ago letting her know why I deleted her and that she didn’t do anything wrong or anything like that. Again, I can’t imagine she’d be offended in any way if she even notices I’m gone, but still, I let her know she could keep in touch and all that.

I don’t feel bad about deleting Sara, however, the one that accidentally friended me. That night she said she’d check out my profile and that I’d hear from her that evening, but I never did. She was probably put off by someone as liberal as I am. I hate to say it but it’s mostly the older folks that hate us libs and she was in her 70s. Furthermore, she didn’t unfriend me but she blocked me from her wall. So I figured she didn’t want to be friends and there was no point keeping her on my list so I let her go.

Nane, whose spell I’ve been under for nearly two years now, is off to TR for a couple of weeks so I don’t expect to hear much, if anything at all, during that time. I don’t think I’ll miss her as much this time, though, cuz I’m doing better in life and I hear from her a lot more these days that it’s not like I’m hard up for my Nane fix or anything like that, LOL. I thought she already left, but I guess today was a holiday in Germany (I don’t know what) and tomorrow she has one more day of work.

Managed to get caught up on my sleep and now I’m feeling much better. I slept 11 long, wonderful hours, though I woke up a few times along the way and was half awake during the last hour. I was a bit surprised to find myself up half a pound when I got up as little as I ate yesterday. But I also didn’t work out yesterday either.

I don’t know why lack of sleep is so hard on me. I’m fit. I’m not that old. So why is it so hard on me? I guess different people handle different things differently. Not even caffeine helped, though. Caffeine does a better job of keeping me awake than it does of waking me up.

I’m surprised it’s been quiet so far. No barking, sawing, hammering, loud vehicles or anything.

I’m going to hit the treadmill, then the shower, and get on with my day. First, though, I wanted to assure people that their secrets really are safe with me. It was a discussion I had with someone the other day that prompted me to leave this little reminder, but I won’t say who the discussion was with or what it was all about because it’s, well, a secret. Let’s just say that I usually have a good sense of judgment as to what I should say about someone else on my blog. I have a pretty damn good idea which of my friends are private, kind of private, and then those who basically don’t care who knows what. But if ever you tell me anything deep, dark and personal, I assure you it’d be the same as telling it to a wall. In other words, I won’t divulge it any more than a wall would. I never saw any reason for repeating things someone else absolutely doesn’t want me to divulge. Unless it was a matter of life and death, there’s simply no point in it and they’re not asking much of me by asking me to keep something confidential. Just wanted to make this clear.

Later...

I have so, so much writing to catch up on after being so out of it the last couple of days. It’s just a matter of deciding what should be public, friends, or private. I’ve never cared to be a very private person for the most part cuz I just don’t give a shit what other people think. But some of my friends do care, so out of respect for them, I’ll have to use my best judgment.

Molly, Judy or Sarah is back to contacting me on Ask since they can’t do it anywhere else. I don’t think Molly herself wrote this because it’s a little too well-written to come from her. They wanted to let me know that I was not only going to hell but that they win either way. This is because they feel fulfilled and appreciated by positive attention, valued over negative attention, and security over no attention.

But how would they feel if they couldn’t give me attention of any kind? Some think blocking them on all sites would really disappoint them since they do live for showering me with unwanted contact, after all. Well, it’s something to think about. I just hate to ruin the fun for those who have absolutely nothing to do with this in order to deny them what they want.

After confirming it was really her, Alison was quick to defend me when Molly gave her her own dose of unwanted contact from her latest FB account. This was after she asked Aly to text her because her mother said I’d “bother” her if she continued to talk online. And I thought my mother and brother were the biggest hypocrites on earth! As Aly told her, she’s the one that’s been coming to me. She reads my blogs and she keeps contacting me after I’ve told her not to. My provider could prove this easily enough, too.

As I was telling someone else, when are they going to come out with online restraining orders to keep trolls like this from pestering people??? Any violations would be so much easier to prove than the old-fashioned kind since our digital moves are recorded. Our providers keep track of every single site we go to, so what are they waiting for?

I can only be contacted by friends on all the sites I use, which is really only like 4 sites these days, except for Ask. I’m not ready to give up anonymous commenting there, though I suppose it wouldn’t kill me to. I don’t get that many anonymous comments anyway, and most of my friends are members. For now, I’m not going to make any more changes.

Still can’t figure out if MO’s counter is members-only or not. It seemed to go up after some non-members checked out my blog, but when Adonis left some comments, it didn’t budge. There could be a delay in updating but I thought these counters were pretty instantaneous.

There is some good news, though, and that’s that Tom got a 5% raise. So now he makes $13.65 regular time and $20.48 OT. So between that and the pension (till they take away what’s left of it), that’s an extra $165 a month.

Andy told me he couldn’t wait till I felt better cuz the Internet is a dull experience without me. That’s too bad. I mean, I’m flattered, but sometimes I wish he’d meet more people to play with online so he’s not so dependent on me to entertain him. I’m just not as into Ask as he is.

Later...

I chatted with Maliheh a couple of nights ago. She thanked me for the birthday wishes and said I just gotta trust her and that just cuz she doesn’t write doesn’t mean a thing. Yeah, maybe not, but sometimes I still wonder if she’s playing with me. Or at least testing me. Again she promised not to go as long next time, but I wouldn’t expect to hear from her before the fall.

She said she finally got the cops to give her neighbor with the barking dog a citation. I guess they went to appeal it too, but had to pay $100 anyway. Good for her! But again, why can’t people get such results out here??? Instead, they beat their complaints with all kinds of lame excuses just like Jesse did.

She asked my advice on how I would deal with someone she’s been having problems with. Some older lady who forgot her birthday and who was just using her.

She heard me sing on LJ too, and said I sounded good and that Nane doesn’t know a good voice when she hears one after I told her Nane wasn’t that impressed. She actually loves the song I was singing and thinks it’s one of the most beautiful songs. It’s an old Gloria song. She said the first time she heard it she was driving and had to pull over because it was the most beautiful song she’d ever heard.

I’m a little worried she hasn’t gotten all my messages. I swear I sent her the link to me singing 2-3 times and I figured I didn’t hear anything about it because she thought it sucked and didn’t want to hurt my feelings; not that she didn’t get it.

Her student count is still down, she’s been walking a lot, and that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t expect to hear from her for a while now, but her auto-corrector sure is just as funny as she can be, LOL.

Later...

Nane has been a bit irritating lately at the same time we’ve become closer. But I have a feeling that if our friendship ends again, it’s going to be because I end it and not her. And I will not fight to win her back again either if our friendship ever does end again for any reason, regardless of who ends it.

When her friend Dieter (who I learned was the one who got her the job on Wall St. and was her boss many years ago) friended me, I asked her if she was ok with that. She said not at all and that was between him and I. He ended up being rude to me and unfriending me but so as not to start any problems between Nane and the guy, I kept quiet about it.

Over the next year, I became friends with her brothers, SIL and two of her friends. When she dumped me last December, I let her brothers and SIL go figuring it’d be awkward for everyone if we remained connected.

Yesterday she told me she never liked that I asked her friends about her and that this would never occur to her to do this herself since she could just come and ask me whatever she wanted me to know.

But I didn’t. All I did was ask Irene how they met. I did ask her brother once if she was ok after I hadn’t heard from her in a while, but I never asked for any personal info from anyone.

Then she acknowledged this and commented on how she’s confided in me and told me all kinds of personal things and hopes she can trust me not to tell anyone some of the private things she’s told me. “If you do… I don’t even want to finish this thought,” she said.

I finished it jokingly and said, “Or else you’ll come here and spank me, right?” But I know what she’s really saying is that if I’m not on my best behavior she’ll dump me again. Yeah, whatever. She’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. I can only state the facts. It’s up to her to believe them or not believe them. She did thank me for keeping her secrets safe, though, and as I always said, even if you get pissed at someone, a secret is still a secret. Not that she’s really ever told me anything that scandalous anyway. But there was one thing she told me that could be used against her. That was when she bashed Irene. I’ll be making this entry private online. I’m not even going to share it with Andy because he sometimes slips. Several times he’s talked about things in public I’ve told him not to discuss there, including Nane’s weight gain.

Anyway, I get up today and pick up her messages, as usual, then I see her friend list is hidden from view. I hope that doesn’t have anything to do with me, I told her, and she said she changed that because sometimes people get in touch with other “friends” when they don’t even know each other and she doesn’t like that. Why didn’t she tell me this when I confronted her about Dieter friending me, the old bastard? She said someone asked if they were lovers and I guess she didn’t like that either and it put her in a rather awkward moment.

I kind of understand her discomfort, though. Adonis is a great guy yet I’ll admit it felt kind of weird that he friended a few of my friends. That’s why I let Christiane go. I figured she wouldn’t mind and would be rather indifferent to my absence if she even noticed it at all since we were never that close. Irene, on the other hand, is more sensitive so I’m hanging onto her for now. No need to hurt people needlessly. But now Nane and I only have one mutual friend. Happy now, Nane? And as I told her, if anyone else she knows friends me in the future, I will decline to accept.

The more I get to know Nane, the closer I feel to her yet the more I see just how wrong she’d be for me as a GF in real life. If she were drunk and pissed at the same time, she just may go beyond verbal meanness. Let’s just say I can picture it and with 9 inches and probably more than 10 pounds on me, it’s not a pretty picture in my mind. She’s been funny, she’s listened to me, she’s offered good advice, and she’s been sweet, but she’s also shown how contradicting, selfish and compassionless she can be. She can be a real bitch and while I’ve forgiven her, I’ll never forget the way she dumped me in a time of need. If any good came of it it’s that I learned never to tell anyone ever again if I’m considering suicide. Instead of them talking me out of it or being supportive they either use it against me, they run, or they say I’m just “messing” with them for attention. Well, fuck that shit! I hope there isn’t a next time, but if there is I’ll either just quietly kill myself or hope things turn around like they did last fall and stop me from doing so.

Anyway, she’s off into the sunset as of tomorrow. I thought she was going to Morocco but instead she’s going to her usual place – TR.

Later...

Sharyn “liked” one of my blog posts on Facebook along with Nane. I turned it from public to friends so the troll doesn’t go bothering them, but I forgot that I’m still connected to Sharyn, even though I’m not. I deleted her because I no longer cared to have friends who aren’t really friends. I currently only have 36 friends over there, that’s how picky I am when it comes to Facebook friends. But Sharyn is still subscribed to me so she sees my updates. It may be only the public ones, though.

Still, it got me thinking… Sharyn’s “up there in years.” But “pretty lady” isn’t something you would call a cousin, is it? And I highly doubt she’s “always admired me.” At this point, I’m pretty sure the older woman who called me pretty lady and claimed to admire me was just a joke. Who knows, it may’ve even been Molly’s mother. It was too well written to be from Molly and the mother has proven to be just as fucked in the head as her daughter. More so than I ever realized until yesterday.

Sadly, I’m learning how fucked in the head Kim is too, only in a different way. Alison was worried this latest Molly account may actually be Kim to get back at her for confronting her about her celebrity impersonation obsession. She’s still up well past midnight pretending to be Ted Wass on Twitter. But she asked Molly some trick questions that Kim couldn’t possibly know the answers to, so it is Molly with her 1500th account that we both blocked.

Just thought I’d do a quick entry till I’m feeling a little better than I am now which is kind of brain-dead. My sleep was shorted a few hours, we had a power failure, I had the runs, I’m being harassed by the troll and her mother, I have a toothache, and I feel like someone karate chopped me between the shoulder blades. Pretty nice, huh? I had that pain yesterday for a bit and attributed it to a pulled muscle, but now I don’t know what it is.

Yesterday I was sluggish all day and even lightheaded at times. Tom thinks I’m exercising too much and eating too little. Well, I have dropped 7 pounds in 8 days, so maybe I need to slow down a bit. I tried to work out today but had to stop right away. My hips and knees totally protested and I feel like a dead weight cuz I’m tired. Not feeling very sociable either, though I did check in with a few friends. As tired as I am, I couldn’t fall asleep when I tried to nap earlier. Maybe tonight I’ll finally get caught up on my sleep.

I awoke to the sound of the sound machine going off and of course Jesse just had to come down to ask me if our power was out, too. Then I dragged my tired ass back to bed and half-dozed for a little over an hour. I didn’t realize the power had come back on when it did till I saw the numbers on the alarm clock lit up. I forget the computer and sound machine won’t come back on by themselves when the power’s restored as a fan or a light would, but neither of those things was on.

The cooler’s thermostat runs off Tom’s computer. I could fire him back up but don’t know the PW on that computer to reactivate the thermostat so I’m operating the damn thing manually. I’m glad the power didn’t crap out when I was going to bed, though that might’ve actually been a bit easier on me. Like I said, hopefully I’ll get caught up soon enough. And also hopefully, I’ll walk for an hour tomorrow, which is about a 300-calorie burn and a distance of about 3 miles.

That’s it for now. I’ll write more about what’s been going on some other time.

Later...

Help me understand why some people feel so compelled to harass and stalk others online, then turn around and whine and complain about it when we have nothing nice to say about them in our blogs and demand that we stop referring to them as trolls. I just don’t get this. Nor do I get why a high school teacher of all things would want to leave rude comments on someone’s blog that doesn’t even know them. Really, it’s scary to think these so-called role models in society can behave so childishly and sometimes just downright crazy. But as I’ve said before, the troll that’s been on my tail for years now had to get her craziness from somewhere, right? Makes me wonder if she does this to any of her students she doesn’t like.

After all these years I wonder if Mommy Dearest or her darling daughter, whom she does nothing but make excuses for and blame the behavior of on others, is ever going to get that “no contact” really means no contact. I don’t want to know these people exist. Why can’t they get this? Just what part of “leave me alone and go away” do they not get? I don’t want to fight with them. I don’t want to be their friend. I don’t want to be anything to them but an old memory. Period. Why can’t they respect my wishes and leave it at that? And if they don’t like me saying anything bad about them, then why don’t they stop giving me a reason to?

I’ve got the troll blocked as best I can on Ask, but Mommy had this to say on one of my entries: Do you really think that anyone cares about this? How selfish can you be? It’s sad that you have to turn to the Internet and strangers for affirmation. Get off the Internet and get a real life. Only then will you experience true confirmation of your worth.

Well, she cared. She took the time to read my post, didn’t she?

I smelled Mrs. M in this statement right away based on how it’s worded and the nature of what it says. Then sure enough, I jumped into my tracker report for thoughts.com and found that she did indeed care to read my blog, so that pretty much confirmed my suspicion. She spent over an hour combing my entries shortly before jumping over to MyOpera to pick on me there. She also combed Alison’s Thoughts blog, but I don’t think she dropped any insults on her there. I only allow friends to comment over there cuz I’m not there much, so that’s why Mommy had to run over to MO to insult me. I thank Adonis and others for jumping to my defense like they did. :) But if she can control her daughter from blogging like she has been lately, especially after the threats she wrote about what she’d like to do to her in her sleep, why can’t she control her own behavior as well?

I hate to spoil the fun for those with good intentions, and I know I probably shouldn’t let them control me and that I should leave the door open to their harassment so they can build a case against themselves, but I’m so sick of their shit that I’ve disabled the anonymous comment thing. After all these years I wonder if these people are ever going to leave me alone! It’s totally them coming to me. I haven’t contacted them on any site whatsoever in ages, so why they’re still coming to me beats me. I guess some people just have a lot of hate and anger in them and nothing better to do in life. Well, I don’t need any affirmations, confirmations, pity or approval from anyone, but I can guess just what she needs. I’m sorry, however, that she and her sick offspring won’t get the help they need. Then again, some people are beyond help, aren’t they?

Oh, and if being online is supposedly for those without a life, does that mean she doesn’t have one since she seems to spend enough time on it following people and being rude to them?

First I had just the troll tailing me, then her friend joined in, and then her mom. Who’s next, her sisters? Daddy?

Anyway, enough bitching about these whack jobs. Hopefully, they’ll finally learn to leave me alone and there won’t be any need to mention them again.

Not wanting to listen to the dogs this morning, knowing they were due to start up any second, and not wanting to be the one to have to take the responsibility of yelling for them to shut up for the measly 10 minutes or so that they’d obey my command, I turned on the sound machine. Really, I wish someone would shoot these fuckers dead. Just shoot them totally dead as hell. But I know that if they did the landlord would suspect us since he knows they bother me, and he would only get two new dogs to replace these within days. Hey, a house in the west without dogs in the yard is as naked as a newborn baby.

I already feel bad for the next people in here, though if they’re from the west they’ll be used to this shit if they aren’t busy letting their own dog(s) bark up a storm. Maryann let us know from the get-go that a dog would be ok if we had one, so they will be allowed to do so.

It usually takes me the better part of a week to lose the weight I pig on over the weekend. Well, I was stunned to find I’m already what I was at the end of last week! Then I remembered I not only restricted myself to taking just Saturday off from my diet and not the entire weekend, but I also picked up some oolong tea for the first time in a while. Of all the foods and drinks said to encourage weight loss, that’s the only thing that’s proven to be true, at least for me. But it’s not like it’ll knock 20 pounds off of me or anything like that.

I’ve really got to quit running. If I don’t get those excruciating cramps, I at least fear I’m going to get them. Running a minute or two to keep my joints strong is fine, but I really need to walk the rest of my workout. It takes longer to burn calories that way but is much easier on these aging joints.

I got the second “I’m sorry” today on Ask. Actually, it was, “I’m sorry Jodi.”

Why do I smell Molly in that one? And why can’t I block unwanted questions from those without accounts? That much really sucks, but if I block her there, she’ll only harass me on other sites and I’m through blocking this and hiding that on account of this one sicko. Obviously, she’s never gonna fuck up bad enough to be put away for more than a few weeks tops since she hasn’t already, so I guess this piece of shit will just be a regular part of my online life till the day I die. Hopefully, I’ll get more breaks from her like the unusually long one I got until I was dumb enough to share the link after joining Ask. I could disable anonymous comments and that would back her off a bit, but I don’t want to deny other anonymous comments just to kick hers out. Also, I’m almost sure that she (and maybe a friend as well) was behind the pretty lady thing. She reads every word I write. Just because she hasn’t appeared on my TIP tracker doesn’t mean she isn’t watching or having someone else copy for her what I post. She knows I like older women and she knows how I spell my name. In fact, she’s one of the few who has always spelled it correctly. I’ve read enough of the shit she’d say about me in her blogs to know this.

Later...

Won a writing contest on thoughts.com and didn’t even know I’d entered in the first place. They were having a Mother’s Day contest and chose 50 people who blogged about Mother’s Day to give T-shirts to. Well, the last thing I need is another T-shirt but it’s still pretty neat that I was one of the ones chosen. Especially since there’s got to be thousands of posts. The only thing is that I didn’t say much about it other than my quick chat with Mom. Maybe the “naked” dream that was part of that entry helped it, LOL. I only post entries in batches over there every few days or so.

Had to shut windows this morning when I got up at 8:00. It’s not cold, but it’s cooler than it has been. I was able to open them back up in a couple of hours and now it’s warm, though barely. It got down to 51° last night and we’re definitely going to have to close windows tonight because we’re going to get down to 49°. By Tuesday we’ll be back in the 80s and averaging lows in the mid-50s.

Although I walked for an hour today, I feel a bit off today. I’m just sluggish instead of being as energetic as I usually am. Been having this problem for a while now. Perhaps it’s time to go back on some vitamins and see if that helps perk me up. Today, though, I feel sluggish and like I don’t want to do much else other than read, write and work out. There’s a strange ache between my shoulder blades, too. So I guess working out gives me strength and stamina but not energy. At least not anymore. Insured or not I don’t ever want to have to see a doctor unless something’s really, really wrong. Too many quacks out there misdiagnosing people, not giving a damn, or telling people they’ve got things wrong with them just to keep them coming back so they can make more money. Sometimes I don’t know which is worse, doctors or lawyers.

The fucking wasps are back, so I’ll have to have Tom see if they’ve been hiving again in their usual places. There was a yellow jacket in the bathroom. Not one wasp was ever caught in the trap we got. It’s just not bright enough. They loved the bright, neon-yellow trap we had back in Oregon, but this was the only one Tom could find at the time. All it has is a strip of yellow tape around it which is worthless. It doesn’t stand out nearly as much as the other one did. So it was a waste of $12.

I’m still completely baffled as to who my so-called mystery admirer is. Especially since Becky confirmed it’s not her since she’s been busy with work. So assuming everyone who’s denied it so far has been honest, and I would say they probably have been, that doesn’t leave many “up there in years” women left that I know well enough to be admired by and that writes as well as they do. It could be that they know me better than I know them through reading my journal, or it’s just the troll or someone else playing around that may or may not be up there in years or even a woman. But they know me well enough to know my name and how I spell it.

The dogs were terrible last night. Just absolutely terrible. It’s sad that some people have absolutely no respect and consideration for others, but that’s part of why we’re hoping to get into an adult community. Tom could live anywhere, and being a native of the West, he grew up with all kinds of barking and is used to it. But after 20 years of this shit, I still can’t adapt to it, so all I can do is hope that an adult community enforces the anti-bark laws. Technically it’s illegal to let your dogs bark for hours on end whether you’re home or not, but it’s not a law that’s taken very seriously in many places. Not even my complaining to Jesse directly or a formal complaint lodged against him by whoever is/was behind him could get this cock to take responsibility for the damn mutts when he’s out, so that ought to tell you how hard it is to get any results, especially in the west.

Anyway, just when I was hoping for a record-breaking 6 weeks of quiet weekend nights, off they went when he left at 8:30. Fortunately, I crashed not long afterward, knowing they’d be going off for hours. It usually tapers off around midnight but doesn’t stop till around 3am.

Sounds like the fucking cock’s running something up there now. It’s like he sometimes fires up the motorcycle but doesn’t actually go anywhere like he just wants to be heard or something. Shouldn’t he be in the city if he’s that needy of attention or lonely in any way? Then again he said he couldn’t stand city noise. Ah, but he sure has no problem making others listen to him, does he? Few more months with this cock and we should be gone. I just hope the next place is not only newer and bigger but also devoid of barking. The only way we’ll find out is to hope we can find something affordable enough in some adult community. We looked at the requirements and restrictions and as we figured, only one of you needs to be 55 or older. Even if I wasn’t legally his spouse, I could be as young as 45 and still live with him. Kids are allowed to visit (overnight) two weeks at a time or 90 days a year. I do worry a little about excessive company, mostly from screaming kids that spend most of the time playing outside while mommy visits granny, but again, we won’t know until and if we get there. They also state that noise is forbidden between the hours of 9pm - 7am, and that barking, stereos and other loud sounds are a no-no, but again, that’s supposed to be the case everywhere anyway. Disturbing the peace has always been against the law. The hard part is getting the law to enforce any violators. But that’s just our twisted world for you where some laws aren’t enforced and some are violated like the right to free speech we’re supposed to have.

Other than last night’s barking spree, it’s actually been quieter here overall with fewer loud vehicles and outdoor projects going on. In this climate, people are typically noisier in the winter. Noise isn’t our main reason for moving, though. We mostly want a bigger place that isn’t so old for once. Just to be able to walk around the bed easily enough would be quite a blessing and quite a step up for us in life…until God lets life kick us back down once again instead of protecting us and looking out for us since we’ve already had enough blows to last us 5 lifetimes.

I had moving dreams again, but none that made any sense or told me anything helpful. Most of them took place here as we were preparing to move, but “here” didn’t look like here at all. Here was a huge, old place with space we hadn’t even used. I walked into a room and realized I hadn’t even ever looked into the closet of that room the whole time we lived there. I opened the door to find a long, narrow closet that had once been a small bathroom. I could see the “outlines” of an old toilet. There was also an old door stored in it and I could see where there was once a sink, but nothing else was in it.

The outside looked much flatter than this place actually does and the trees seemed kind of Oregonish.

The place we moved to looked rural. Tom heard someone drive up and he opened the front door and said something like, “The landlord who is hardly ever here is here now.” I then realized I was stark naked. But instead of running into a bedroom for clothes, I ran out the side of the house and headed to another smaller structure of some kind where I seemed to think my clothes were. On the way, I saw a guy sitting in a truck writing something on a clipboard and suddenly I was only partially nude. Now I had on a black jacket but it had no buttons and barely covered my ass. I decided I would tell anyone who asked why I was nude that it was simply because it was Sunday and we weren’t expecting anyone to come around. Then I dove through this strange tube-like thing and into where I was sure my clothes were.

It’s a good thing I didn’t run any longer than I did cuz I started to cramp up even though I guzzled some G2 beforehand. It may also have to do with how much I’ve eaten before I run and how long I’ve been up. I need to eat more and let myself wake up a little more before I run instead of rushing myself as I did.

The weather’s been rather summery. We’ve had the windows open for days. You usually can’t have them open all the time here till mid-June, but maybe we’ll have some cold snaps between now and then.

I called my mom and wished her a happy Mother’s Day. She sounded both good and bad. Less depressed, but still not quite with it. She didn’t even know who I was at first. Tammy’s still there and is leaving next week. That’ll be two months down there – damn!

I still get the feeling that whether there’s a lawyer involved in the will or not, Tammy’s still going to find a way to “rip me off,” so to speak. I also think my parents were/are too trusting of her. I guess a parent simply doesn’t want to accept or admit that one of their kids would do such a thing to another of their kids. Regardless of how or why she does it, it’s just the thing God would let her do too, even though I still don’t think she has nearly as much money as she once did. They spent too much, they probably owe too much, and getting old and dying isn’t cheap.

Tammy planning to cheat me out of my share may be why it was so important to her to patch things up between us a couple of years ago. Maybe she felt guilty at knowing what she was going to at least hope to try to do and maybe she always will. Especially if she manages to pull it off somehow.

Maliheh’s 55 today and still ignoring me even though she has clearly been on Facebook. She changed her profile picture from a cat to an old photograph of a woman who I’m guessing was her mother back when she was younger.

She never picked up the birthday card I sent her via egreetings, unless egreetings either failed to alert me or failed to send the damn thing to her. I let her know in an email to be on the lookout for it. A part of me wonders if she just didn’t want to pick it up because she didn’t want to acknowledge me in the way of the alert, assuming she even knew I’d get an alert. But if she didn’t want me to know she was around, then why did she click into my Thoughts blog a while back which she knew was tracked?

I don’t know what to think anymore, but I’m about ready to give up on her. I’ll still send journals for a while, and then she’ll have to go to my blog herself if she wants to read them. I’m more convinced than ever that she’s playing with me. There’s no way she couldn’t say hi every couple of weeks. Hell, even once a month.

But why? Why is she avoiding me? She’s too outspoken not to tell me if she were pissed at me, so why? Could her feelings have grown deeper than she could deal with? I highly doubt this. She’s never shown an ounce of interest in me. I think she’s just gotten sick of me and I should’ve figured that if she didn’t dump me she’d at least fade away little by little just by the fact that she would never add me on Facebook.

Well, I’m not going to ask her about it. I don’t want to piss her off if I’m wrong, and I don’t want to give her a good laugh if I’m right and she’s sitting there hoping I’ll whine over her long absence.

I know it might’ve been dishonest of me, but I made a couple of comments from her to me on both my blog and Ask (nothing serious) to see if it triggered a reaction from her. As I figured, it didn’t.

I gotta make sure I don’t share this part about Maliheh with Andy lest he slip in public and say anything she might see. I doubt she checks his Ask page, but you never know. I asked him not to mention Nane’s weight in public yet he did, so now I know I have to watch what I tell him.

I also have to watch Sara M. Since allowing anyone to friend me I was added by a woman in her 70s by this name. I asked her in a PM how she found me, but I have a feeling I’m not going to get an answer. I just wonder about some of these seemingly legit and harmless people who add me but never say a word to me. She doesn’t seem like she’s trying to sell anything or a fellow author. In fact, we don’t seem to have anything in common at all, so I don’t know what her story is. It’s just that words like troll, pigs, and black bitches tend to come to mind when any suspicious accounts on Facebook want to add me. Facebook isn’t where you usually get added by strangers and collectors as opposed to blogging and other sites. Sara doesn’t seem like a collector, though, and if it’s the pigs wanting an inside view of my account, it makes sense that they’d pose as an older white female. Couldn’t the pigs just get an inside view in secret, though, from those who work for Facebook?

Sarah, who appears to have always lived in Illinois and has a large family, hasn’t posted anything in 12 hours, so we’ll see if she responds to my message. Her account is only about 6 months old too, about a month after the pigs started nosing into me that I know of.

The more I think about those pig emails, the more I think it may’ve been a scam on the black bitches and black pig’s part, and yeah, shame on me for falling for it. I’m still going to treat it as if it were very real and watch what I say online, but I think it was an attempt to either get me down to Arizona for no reason at all or to extort money from me. If it were about me spamming the black bitch, why would they also send the email to the black pig? He certainly wasn’t spammed. He only got 1 or 2 messages from me. Then again, I still don’t see how or why they’d build a “case” of spam against me for just one person and only a few dozen messages, if even that, that she simply could’ve ignored and marked as spam. I still say that if “Juan D” and his message were for real in any way, she and the black pig fabricated something threatening, though the email to the black pig may’ve also been planted as bait in hopes of getting me to contact him. If it wasn’t them just fucking around. Before we move I’ll make one last check for a warrant on me and then hope to hell it isn’t federal if there’s anything out there even though every time I check there’s nothing. If we got pulled over for a busted taillight and I had a federal warrant out on me, they could then extradite me.

Still don’t know if the pigs or black bitch had anything to do with the hacking of my old Gmail account or my computer, but nothing would surprise me.

The troll has backed off of Aly and I and I’m guessing it could be because I threatened to expose her to mommy, something she no doubt dreads and hates with a passion. I also hinted at exposing her address, though I would never do that again even if it were technically a matter of public info anyway.

Later...

Mary’s release date is now on for September 28th. Damn, less than 5 months to go! It must seem so unreal for her after over a decade of incarceration.

Who is Mary? What did she do? I’ll bet these questions are going through people’s minds as they read this, but even though Mary’s case is “over” and nothing I can say could hurt her in any way (not that I have anything bad to say about her) I’m not going to mention her last name or go into much detail out of respect for her. All I’ll say is that we met down in Arizona and I believe she’s been wrongly and unfairly jailed/imprisoned. She got railroaded by the law like I did only in a different way for different reasons. What ended up happening to her was just what I feared would happen to her, too.

Like I said, I have nothing bad to say about her other than that she could be a bit of a pest at times asking for favors, but I understood and knew I’d do the same thing if I were her and not used to being allowed to do things for myself. Besides, you’re kind of limited as to what you can do on your own for yourself in jail.

It wasn’t that she didn’t do what she was accused of; it was the way they trumped up her charges and made it appear not quite what it really was. Mary’s worst fault was being too kind, too trusting and too forgiving. But as the media often does, they painted her as a cold, uncaring monster. She wasn’t. Mary was one of the most sensitive, empathetic and compassionate people I’d ever known. She was very caring, generous and intuitive. She was smarter and prettier than your average inmate, and although she was religious and against abortion, that didn’t mean she hated gays or tried to cram her way of thinking and believing down the throats of others. She was also a wonderful writer and I owe a big part of my own writing abilities to her as she was the one who set many fine examples for me.

We met on New Year’s Day of 2001 and kept in touch until a couple of years ago. I don’t think she dumped me or lost my address. I think that part of her incarceration at the place she was moved to limited who she could have contact with.

I’m excited for her and her upcoming freedom, though sadly, she’s probably not going to be very “free” for I would guess she’ll be on parole. Well, parole and probation are often little more than just an extension of jail. Believe me, you can be at home in your own bed in your own clothes eating the food of your choice and all that, but still feel like you’re in jail. You are still treated like a child. Almost everything you say and do is monitored and controlled in some way shape or form. I hope she won’t be on parole forever, but given the nature of her charges and what she was convicted of, she may be. I honestly don’t know. I hope to find out more someday. I check every now and then for updates but there hasn’t been anything recent in the news and probably won’t be until she’s released.

Do I want to hear from her? Hmm…still not sure about that. I mean, sure I’d love to. She was a friend. But as I said before, I realize she’s not used to doing things for herself and that after basically having her decisions made for her for most of her life, the poor girl, I don’t want to deal with all kinds of demands. I guess it’ll be up to her. Well, more like up to whatever her parole stipulates. She’s going to be able to learn to do some things for herself, yes, but she’s still going to have to comply with the terms and conditions of her parole. Then again, maybe she won’t have any parole at all and will be free as a bird. I never actually heard anything about any parole after her release. Just that she wouldn’t be released till this year.

I wonder if she’ll look me up online and read my blog whether I do or don’t hear from her. By then my blog should have hundreds of entries with the way I write, assuming I stay on MO. Better yet, where will she go once she’s released? I guess someone in her family will take her.

Later...

I did hear back from Sara M and I wonder how I ended up with my new “accidental” Facebook friend. But of course, so does she. Apparently, she doesn’t remember adding me. She says my name just popped up saying I’d accepted her friend request and doesn’t know how it happened. Yeah, that’s Facebook and its glitches for you. She said she’d understand if I wanted to delete her, but I don’t mind new friends. As I always said, as long as I can be accepted as I am and no one tries to control, change or manipulate me in any way, you’re welcome to be a part of my life. She also said she would check out my profile and get back to me later, but I haven’t heard from her. My blog view count has been unusually high today making me wonder if it really does count outsiders after all. It usually only gets 2-6 hits a day, but today I got 14 hits.

I’m at 0.26% for space so I guess it’s safe to say it’ll be many years before I fill this blog up, even though I’ve been writing like crazy. Especially since hitting writer’s block with the stories. Or maybe I just got bored with it and maybe a little discouraged too, due to lack of sales. Nah, I don’t think I got discouraged. Remember, I was writing long before I became published. I think I’m just having a downtime with that. Happens to the best of us.

Andy said the house next to where he lives got a new dog that wouldn’t shut up yesterday. He asked some girl (though I don’t know why he didn’t go to her himself and assume he must have his reasons) to go talk to the owner and could hear the conversation from his window. The woman said she was training the mutt and that it barks indoors as well. Then after a couple more minutes it was taken inside and hasn’t been back out since. I guess another neighbor who’s dating a cop threatened to call the cops if it continued as well.

Why can’t the West be a little more like the East and why can’t it be that easy for me to get results when I complain on someone for allowing their dogs to bark??? If that were out here, the girl would’ve refused to get involved. Furthermore, it’s unlikely that anyone would call the cops or even threaten to, and had that dog owner been like most people here, she would either go off on anyone who complained, or she would’ve made some lame excuse like the Jes pest did and say there was nothing she could do about it. Lastly, the dog never would’ve seen the inside of her house in the first place, nor would it ever in the future.

Tom did some more sorting of stuff in the shed and got a great idea to grab some plastic storage bins from Walmart each week. It’s a great idea cuz boxes break down, are flimsy, and bugs can get in them easier. It’s not just good for outdoor tools and whatnot, but for inside things as well. Even though we’ll probably have more space overall at the next place, I doubt it will have built-in drawers in its bedroom closets. So we could use these containers for things like office supplies and even some of the dolls I may not care to display but want to hang on to for now.