Managed to get caught up on my sleep and now I’m feeling much better. I slept 11 long, wonderful hours, though I woke up a few times along the way and was half awake during the last hour. I was a bit surprised to find myself up half a pound when I got up as little as I ate yesterday. But I also didn’t work out yesterday either.

I don’t know why lack of sleep is so hard on me. I’m fit. I’m not that old. So why is it so hard on me? I guess different people handle different things differently. Not even caffeine helped, though. Caffeine does a better job of keeping me awake than it does of waking me up.

I’m surprised it’s been quiet so far. No barking, sawing, hammering, loud vehicles or anything.

I’m going to hit the treadmill, then the shower, and get on with my day. First, though, I wanted to assure people that their secrets really are safe with me. It was a discussion I had with someone the other day that prompted me to leave this little reminder, but I won’t say who the discussion was with or what it was all about because it’s, well, a secret. Let’s just say that I usually have a good sense of judgment as to what I should say about someone else on my blog. I have a pretty damn good idea which of my friends are private, kind of private, and then those who basically don’t care who knows what. But if ever you tell me anything deep, dark and personal, I assure you it’d be the same as telling it to a wall. In other words, I won’t divulge it any more than a wall would. I never saw any reason for repeating things someone else absolutely doesn’t want me to divulge. Unless it was a matter of life and death, there’s simply no point in it and they’re not asking much of me by asking me to keep something confidential. Just wanted to make this clear.

Later...

I have so, so much writing to catch up on after being so out of it the last couple of days. It’s just a matter of deciding what should be public, friends, or private. I’ve never cared to be a very private person for the most part cuz I just don’t give a shit what other people think. But some of my friends do care, so out of respect for them, I’ll have to use my best judgment.

Molly, Judy or Sarah is back to contacting me on Ask since they can’t do it anywhere else. I don’t think Molly herself wrote this because it’s a little too well-written to come from her. They wanted to let me know that I was not only going to hell but that they win either way. This is because they feel fulfilled and appreciated by positive attention, valued over negative attention, and security over no attention.

But how would they feel if they couldn’t give me attention of any kind? Some think blocking them on all sites would really disappoint them since they do live for showering me with unwanted contact, after all. Well, it’s something to think about. I just hate to ruin the fun for those who have absolutely nothing to do with this in order to deny them what they want.

After confirming it was really her, Alison was quick to defend me when Molly gave her her own dose of unwanted contact from her latest FB account. This was after she asked Aly to text her because her mother said I’d “bother” her if she continued to talk online. And I thought my mother and brother were the biggest hypocrites on earth! As Aly told her, she’s the one that’s been coming to me. She reads my blogs and she keeps contacting me after I’ve told her not to. My provider could prove this easily enough, too.

As I was telling someone else, when are they going to come out with online restraining orders to keep trolls like this from pestering people??? Any violations would be so much easier to prove than the old-fashioned kind since our digital moves are recorded. Our providers keep track of every single site we go to, so what are they waiting for?

I can only be contacted by friends on all the sites I use, which is really only like 4 sites these days, except for Ask. I’m not ready to give up anonymous commenting there, though I suppose it wouldn’t kill me to. I don’t get that many anonymous comments anyway, and most of my friends are members. For now, I’m not going to make any more changes.

Still can’t figure out if MO’s counter is members-only or not. It seemed to go up after some non-members checked out my blog, but when Adonis left some comments, it didn’t budge. There could be a delay in updating but I thought these counters were pretty instantaneous.

There is some good news, though, and that’s that Tom got a 5% raise. So now he makes $13.65 regular time and $20.48 OT. So between that and the pension (till they take away what’s left of it), that’s an extra $165 a month.

Andy told me he couldn’t wait till I felt better cuz the Internet is a dull experience without me. That’s too bad. I mean, I’m flattered, but sometimes I wish he’d meet more people to play with online so he’s not so dependent on me to entertain him. I’m just not as into Ask as he is.

Later...

I chatted with Maliheh a couple of nights ago. She thanked me for the birthday wishes and said I just gotta trust her and that just cuz she doesn’t write doesn’t mean a thing. Yeah, maybe not, but sometimes I still wonder if she’s playing with me. Or at least testing me. Again she promised not to go as long next time, but I wouldn’t expect to hear from her before the fall.

She said she finally got the cops to give her neighbor with the barking dog a citation. I guess they went to appeal it too, but had to pay $100 anyway. Good for her! But again, why can’t people get such results out here??? Instead, they beat their complaints with all kinds of lame excuses just like Jesse did.

She asked my advice on how I would deal with someone she’s been having problems with. Some older lady who forgot her birthday and who was just using her.

She heard me sing on LJ too, and said I sounded good and that Nane doesn’t know a good voice when she hears one after I told her Nane wasn’t that impressed. She actually loves the song I was singing and thinks it’s one of the most beautiful songs. It’s an old Gloria song. She said the first time she heard it she was driving and had to pull over because it was the most beautiful song she’d ever heard.

I’m a little worried she hasn’t gotten all my messages. I swear I sent her the link to me singing 2-3 times and I figured I didn’t hear anything about it because she thought it sucked and didn’t want to hurt my feelings; not that she didn’t get it.

Her student count is still down, she’s been walking a lot, and that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t expect to hear from her for a while now, but her auto-corrector sure is just as funny as she can be, LOL.

Later...

Nane has been a bit irritating lately at the same time we’ve become closer. But I have a feeling that if our friendship ends again, it’s going to be because I end it and not her. And I will not fight to win her back again either if our friendship ever does end again for any reason, regardless of who ends it.

When her friend Dieter (who I learned was the one who got her the job on Wall St. and was her boss many years ago) friended me, I asked her if she was ok with that. She said not at all and that was between him and I. He ended up being rude to me and unfriending me but so as not to start any problems between Nane and the guy, I kept quiet about it.

Over the next year, I became friends with her brothers, SIL and two of her friends. When she dumped me last December, I let her brothers and SIL go figuring it’d be awkward for everyone if we remained connected.

Yesterday she told me she never liked that I asked her friends about her and that this would never occur to her to do this herself since she could just come and ask me whatever she wanted me to know.

But I didn’t. All I did was ask Irene how they met. I did ask her brother once if she was ok after I hadn’t heard from her in a while, but I never asked for any personal info from anyone.

Then she acknowledged this and commented on how she’s confided in me and told me all kinds of personal things and hopes she can trust me not to tell anyone some of the private things she’s told me. “If you do… I don’t even want to finish this thought,” she said.

I finished it jokingly and said, “Or else you’ll come here and spank me, right?” But I know what she’s really saying is that if I’m not on my best behavior she’ll dump me again. Yeah, whatever. She’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. I can only state the facts. It’s up to her to believe them or not believe them. She did thank me for keeping her secrets safe, though, and as I always said, even if you get pissed at someone, a secret is still a secret. Not that she’s really ever told me anything that scandalous anyway. But there was one thing she told me that could be used against her. That was when she bashed Irene. I’ll be making this entry private online. I’m not even going to share it with Andy because he sometimes slips. Several times he’s talked about things in public I’ve told him not to discuss there, including Nane’s weight gain.

Anyway, I get up today and pick up her messages, as usual, then I see her friend list is hidden from view. I hope that doesn’t have anything to do with me, I told her, and she said she changed that because sometimes people get in touch with other “friends” when they don’t even know each other and she doesn’t like that. Why didn’t she tell me this when I confronted her about Dieter friending me, the old bastard? She said someone asked if they were lovers and I guess she didn’t like that either and it put her in a rather awkward moment.

I kind of understand her discomfort, though. Adonis is a great guy yet I’ll admit it felt kind of weird that he friended a few of my friends. That’s why I let Christiane go. I figured she wouldn’t mind and would be rather indifferent to my absence if she even noticed it at all since we were never that close. Irene, on the other hand, is more sensitive so I’m hanging onto her for now. No need to hurt people needlessly. But now Nane and I only have one mutual friend. Happy now, Nane? And as I told her, if anyone else she knows friends me in the future, I will decline to accept.

The more I get to know Nane, the closer I feel to her yet the more I see just how wrong she’d be for me as a GF in real life. If she were drunk and pissed at the same time, she just may go beyond verbal meanness. Let’s just say I can picture it and with 9 inches and probably more than 10 pounds on me, it’s not a pretty picture in my mind. She’s been funny, she’s listened to me, she’s offered good advice, and she’s been sweet, but she’s also shown how contradicting, selfish and compassionless she can be. She can be a real bitch and while I’ve forgiven her, I’ll never forget the way she dumped me in a time of need. If any good came of it it’s that I learned never to tell anyone ever again if I’m considering suicide. Instead of them talking me out of it or being supportive they either use it against me, they run, or they say I’m just “messing” with them for attention. Well, fuck that shit! I hope there isn’t a next time, but if there is I’ll either just quietly kill myself or hope things turn around like they did last fall and stop me from doing so.

Anyway, she’s off into the sunset as of tomorrow. I thought she was going to Morocco but instead she’s going to her usual place – TR.

Later...

Sharyn “liked” one of my blog posts on Facebook along with Nane. I turned it from public to friends so the troll doesn’t go bothering them, but I forgot that I’m still connected to Sharyn, even though I’m not. I deleted her because I no longer cared to have friends who aren’t really friends. I currently only have 36 friends over there, that’s how picky I am when it comes to Facebook friends. But Sharyn is still subscribed to me so she sees my updates. It may be only the public ones, though.

Still, it got me thinking… Sharyn’s “up there in years.” But “pretty lady” isn’t something you would call a cousin, is it? And I highly doubt she’s “always admired me.” At this point, I’m pretty sure the older woman who called me pretty lady and claimed to admire me was just a joke. Who knows, it may’ve even been Molly’s mother. It was too well written to be from Molly and the mother has proven to be just as fucked in the head as her daughter. More so than I ever realized until yesterday.

Sadly, I’m learning how fucked in the head Kim is too, only in a different way. Alison was worried this latest Molly account may actually be Kim to get back at her for confronting her about her celebrity impersonation obsession. She’s still up well past midnight pretending to be Ted Wass on Twitter. But she asked Molly some trick questions that Kim couldn’t possibly know the answers to, so it is Molly with her 1500th account that we both blocked.