We’re having a cool spell now and have all the windows closed. We don’t even expect to need to run the cooler today, so maybe the yellow jackets will stay the hell out for the day. We’ve been finding them in the bathroom window a little too often for comfort, so it’s another reason to bomb. I had thought they were coming up from under the sink, but Tom thinks they go to the cooler for water and get blown down in here and through the vent when the cooler kicks on. It’s a downdraft unit. Tom might screen the vent.

Andy was nice enough to apologize for making what he said childish and uncalled-for cracks on his Ask page, and of course I still love him. He’s like family to me, and besides, we all say shit we shouldn’t say at times, even me.

The other morning I was expressing my frustrations to Tom – regardless of other people’s thoughts and opinions on the matter – about what a bitch it can be to live with this type of sleep disorder. I feel like so many possibilities and doors are closed to me because of it. God knows how many opportunities of God knows what kind may’ve been out there for me had I not had this damn thing. You would think other shit I went through as a kid, health-wise and financially would have been enough. I’ve been pretty healthy otherwise since I quit smoking, but if I could break an arm and a leg for a cure for this thing, I would.

The two factors that make it so damn hard to keep the same schedule for more than a few days are A, I often have trouble falling asleep after being up the usual 16 hours and am often up for 18 hours, and B, I tend to be a little more sleep needy than others. So staying up to roll it back around in just a few days would simply be too hard on me. I know there are some people that could do it and that only need 6-7 hours of sleep but I usually need 8-9 and sometimes even 10-12 depending on how long I was up and what I did. One of my exes, Kacey, worked rotating shifts, something I could never do. I’m as flexible with sleep as a 90-year-old is with their hips.

But while I bitched and complained to Tom about how much it hinders me in many ways in life he pointed out the things it also enables me to do. Like having friends on the other side of the world since I’m up half the time they’re up, and having pet rats who are nocturnal. But there’s still more bad than good in it in many ways. Besides the obvious things, there’s the fact that there's always something around to torment me no matter what “shift” I’m on. I got the bees in the daytime and the spiders at night. Most of the time I try to just accept it because some things can’t be changed any more than we can change our height or stop the sun from rising.

I was thinking of Maliheh who really put a big smile on my face when I got her message the other night. I was giggling to myself when I thought of some of the things we talked about. We both have a “fuck the world” attitude, all right, LOL. It’s amazing how much we have in common. I would LOVE to hear her play and sing someday.

It isn’t just what she does say that I like, but it’s what she doesn’t say as well. I was saying how she’d be the perfect neighbor since we both like our space and therefore wouldn’t bug each other. Yet at the same time, we’d be there to help each other in any way we needed or could, and that the door would be open for any – uhem – extra activities. Yeah, those kinds of extra activities. Nothing I would expect or have to have but that would be nice to know was a possibility. Well, even though we’ll probably never see each other again, she never came out and insisted there was no chance of that ever happening no matter what.

When Tom just told me how much money we have right now I nearly fainted. By the time we get moved, we could have more than we need, but that’s just all the more that will get thrown into savings. We’ll want to build that back up right away so that if worse came to worse and the car completely crapped out or he got laid off again, we’d have enough money for a new car and to live on till he got another job. I really hope that this will be it and that this is where he’ll be working till he retires. A tropical climate can wait if it’s going to take such good care of us financially and insurance-wise until then.

They’re talking about adding a second shift in his department, which he’s pretty sure they’d want him on. That’d be nice. He’s always preferred the second or third shift because it makes it easier if you’ve got to do something during the week during regular business hours.

A part of me wishes I could snap my fingers and make myself want to stay here in Yellowjacket Kingdom, cuz in just another month or two I could have Lasik surgery done and still have a nice savings. I was wrong in assuming it was just a grand, though. That’s only for the basics. It would really cost closer to 4K for everything – the antibiotics, the follow-up appointments, all that stuff.

Wish I could get myself to eat cheaper. Should we really be spending an average of $600 a month on groceries just because we can? I’m the main culprit in that department, though, with my expensive TV dinners. It’s just that Marie Callender is not only so yummy but that way I don’t have to cook and the calories are counted for me. Ok, so the cheaper TV dinners list calories too, and I still wouldn’t have to cook, but the food isn’t as good or as filling.

I can’t wait to see how long it takes Jesse (assuming they list this place on Craigslist again) to turn the place back out and if he ups the rent. Tom doesn’t see how he can, based on the ad he just saw. He said the place was a dump but they were only charging $900 for this 2-bed/2-bath on a few unshared acres.

I can tell I’m starting to retain that monthly water build-up because my bra’s tight again. So many women would kill for these 40Cs that are high and firm yet I wish they would just fall right off my chest forever! Guys would dig them, but I wonder what the average lesbian would think? It’s not like I’ve been to gay bars in years. I would think they’d like the older me better than the me of 20 years ago since my hair is shorter, I don’t wear much makeup these days, and I don’t dress as flashy as I used to. But I’m still short, I’m still feminine, and I would think these curves and hooters wouldn’t stand much of a chance.

The “wood chopping” exercise I’ve been doing has really helped to narrow my waist down nicely. But these hips are still clinging for dear life and so that hourglass shape isn’t going anywhere too soon.

Water, curves and all, I’m having a very hungry day today. Nothing I eat seems to satisfy me for long. I just want to eat till I puke. Sure did in my dreams last night. I guess us talking about and enrolling in medical insurance and all that caused this, LOL. So not only did Tom have back surgery in his dreams, but I got to have funky periods, puke my guts out, and wake up to find that I’d been knocked up with a litter of 15 embryos. I think there was something wrong with my oversized hooters too, the envy of Estrella Jail’s shower room in 2000.

Later...

I couldn’t find anything that would give me a clearer idea of what the average down payment would be on a house in an adult community, as Tom is better with research like I’m better with languages. But while houses are usually a little cheaper to rent there, they also cost more to buy. So even if someone suddenly handed us a down payment for a house in one of these communities, I would think the mortgage payments would be a nightmare. I don’t want to go back to having the place we live in suck every last dime out of us. Just because I’m not the shopaholic I used to be doesn’t mean I don’t want to be able to save.

I wish it wasn’t all or nothing and that neighborhoods weren’t so black and white. You either have your anything-goes neighborhoods or your adult communities. That’s fine to have, but what about college neighborhoods? What about families? What about couples? What about welfare bums so that they can’t be free to disrupt hard-working neighbors whose tax dollars allow them to sit on their asses? Yes, some people truly need help, but I still think most of them are lazy.

While owning has its pros and cons same as renting, I still don’t see us ever owning again. We could if we were willing to stay here another year or two to save for a place in the mainstream and go back to living just a few feet away from every horrible kind of neighbor possible. And their barking dogs that are never allowed indoors.

What sucks is that having that extra bathroom I’d like to have seems to jack up the rent significantly. I don’t know why an additional half-bath has to add $100 or more to the rent, but according to Tom’s research, it sure seems to. Since I’ll admit that while it’s annoying to wake up having to pee when Tom’s in the shower, my bladder has never burst from having to wait till he was done. Never once have I parked my tushy on the toilet for a dump when he’s knocked on the door needing to go, not that his wife would be as kind and as patient and not just laugh and tell him to buzz off and go aim for one of Jesse’s Cali oaks. Either way, I’ve never wet my pants yet, so if I had to choose between 1 bathroom in a nicer adult community vs. 2 in a rural dump where we’d still get slammed with barking and loud vehicles even if we had the property to ourselves, I’d take the nicer place with just one shit hole in the 55+ place. Besides, I still want to experience living there to see what it’s like. If it’s just as noisy as a regular neighborhood or there are other unforeseen problems like pesky neighbors or something like that, then why buy a place there? It’s a lot easier to move from a rental if you’re unhappy where you are. I’d rather neighbors come to the door to pester me with local gossip and tea parties than leave their dogs outside and let unruly kids tear through the neighborhood, but still…you can hear different stories told by different people, but you can only experience it yourself by actually doing it.

There are so many different possibilities to ponder! Not as many as there would be if we were rich, but a helluva lot more than there were less than a year ago. Sure I like the idea of owning so that we’re the boss of what happens when (unless it’s urgent), but I do not like the thought of staying cramped in here with the Jes pest, his mutts, and kid another year or two while we get together a down payment, and I don’t like the idea of having to fix things that break. If we continue renting, the landlord has to fix things and then other things we might want to get/do won’t be delayed. It could be years before I have Lasik as a renter, but it would be centuries as an owner. If for some reason we couldn’t get into an adult community, then I might be tempted to save to buy a place. Same with if we do get into one and don’t like it there for some reason like if the landlord is just as much or even worse of a pest with the dropping by unannounced. Usually, they don’t come around unless you call them for some reason. That’s why I would prefer not to live with them. Live with them and they’ll come around to tell you they farted.

Later...

Amazingly my MO blog got over 100 views starting from real early yesterday morning and it’s still climbing fast. My first thought was the troll since most people only make a couple of page views per visit with some being between 10-20. Besides, I don’t even have 100 entries there right now. But if she’s the one that’s been sitting there clicking away these last 18 hours, then why hasn’t she shown up on my Thoughts tracker and why hasn’t she bothered me on Ask? All in all, it’s probably just a glitch in the counter or an unusual surge in visitors. Maybe I made Member of the Week and don’t even know it. Adonis thinks I should, LOL. Or maybe I’ve got a new fan who likes my blog so much that they’re checking so often in anticipation of my next Pulitzer-winning post, LOL.

Anyway, I do different well. I really realized this after I was chatting with Tom about various people we know and how some handle those who are different well while others tend to be more ignorant and non-accepting of those who are different and don’t seem to realize they’re a little more than just “opinionated.” Before I go any further, though, I’m not referring to any one person in particular; I’m talking about those I’ve known in general.

I thought about it and there are really only 3 groups of people I can’t tolerate. Religious freaks, those in the Middle East who love to terrorize women and other countries, and those who use their race against others and whine and complain despite having EVERYTHING the rest of us have and so much more. I guess some people will still complain no matter how much you give them, just like no matter how many inches I may lose I’ll still complain about being fat.

Sure, there are some individual personality traits I don’t care for – those that lie, make false promises, lead you on, can’t take you for face value, act like they know you better than they do, act like they know it all, act like hypocrites, contradict themselves, try to change and control you – but I think I’m definitely more open to a diverse bunch of friends online even though I’m not as sociable as most people are when it comes to meeting people in person. That’s mostly because I’m not out much in order to meet people to socialize with in the first place, and still do like my personal space.

To each their own and not that I’m perfect but I don’t expect others to be good with languages simply because I am and I don’t pick on them for being able to will their bodies to do some amazing things just because I’m not very good at that myself. Sure wish I could will this head of mine to sprout a foot or so of hair! I definitely don’t like how the last cut came out.

I can see why some of my friends don’t have a lot of friends not just because they’re busy but also because they just don’t do different very well, especially if it’s something they can’t relate to, have never heard of, or don’t understand. I’m not condemning them – hey, I don’t do noisy neighbors very well at all and I have zero tolerance for barking dogs – but I see that that’s the way some people are. I like to learn new things and new ways of life, even if it may not be something I’m interested in for myself. I know and accept that just because I don’t understand how something could be possible, doesn’t mean it still can’t exist. I won’t push you to learn Spanish when you really want to learn Chinese just because I think Spanish is prettier. And just because someone may tell me something that sounds strange, doesn’t mean they’re deceiving themselves or me and are trying to hide some truth they don’t want to make known. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to participate in a threesome, but that doesn’t mean I’ll avoid you or pick on you for it. Not every bisexual person fears people’s reactions to being exposed for “really” being just gay and is therefore hiding behind a label they call bisexual. People really can be attracted to both genders, just usually one more than the other. Nane’s attracted to men more often. I’m attracted to women more often. Doesn’t mean I’m gay or she’s straight, does it? But like it or not we do tend to live in a very black-and-white world. It’s easier for most people not to have so many gray areas to sort through.

While it’s sometimes frustrating, I always try to accept that we all have different physical limits as well. Andy’s amazing in that he can will himself to pull all-nighters for his canning expeditions. I could never do that. But rather than beat myself up for it even if I may sometimes like to, or put up with those who might want to call me “lazy” because I can’t always do everything they can or that they think I should be able to do (like conquer my driving phobia) I let me be me and accept that I am who I am, period. Just because I lack in strength in some areas doesn’t mean I lack strength in all areas.

I try to do what I want to do in life be it physically, mentally or anything else. But if after giving it a reasonable amount of tries I should fail to succeed, I then try to focus on what I can do. Sometimes – and I admit this – I spend too much time focusing on what I don’t have and what I can’t do, thus missing out on enjoying what I can do and what I do have. So no, I’m not Wonder Woman. And no, I’m probably not a carbon copy of whoever you are that’s reading this. But I am me.

Despite my wide tolerance range for those of many cultures, countries, languages and lifestyles, that doesn’t mean I have an endless supply of tolerance for ignorance and those more interested in living my life for me than their own life. Just like no one is obligated to remain in my life, I’m not obligated to remain in theirs. Just thought I’d point that out and remind people that some people will only take so much before they may be lost and gone forever. We all have our limits as to how many times we’re willing to play kiss and makeup. A few folks (probably not who you think) are skating on thin ice with me right now. Any more shit from them and that ice just might break and they just might fall through and I’m not gonna be around to rescue them.

Some people will forgive the same people over and over forever and not just because they lack self-respect but because they actually like to fight. They like to keep pissing the same people off and going round and round in circles with them. They instigate a fight and then apologize for it so they can do it again. Well, I’m not one of them any more than I’m one who loves to go out bowling on weekends. Just because you may like to fight about stupid shit doesn’t mean I do, too.

No one should have to have friends they feel they can’t trust or who are so different from them that it makes them uncomfortable. They deserve better than that. So if I don’t meet your expectations for whatever reason, feel free to find someone who does. Just didn’t want anyone to think my door was locked. It’s always open for the decent, honest and accepting people to walk through, and it’s always open for the losers to walk out of.