Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve been less open to the idea of being so honest about various aspects of my life. Yet I’ve always been quick to tell it like it is because I never cared what people thought. And when I say I don’t care what people think that doesn’t mean I don’t care about my husband’s feelings or that I would go out of my way to be rude to someone in public; it just means that in general, I don’t care who knows what about me because we all have our strengths, weaknesses, ups and downs. They frustrate me sometimes, but I’m not ashamed of them and I’ve never had any reason to lie or joke about them since there’s nothing to fear or gain. I’m 46 years old, for God’s sake. So who the hell could send me to my room without dinner if they learned something about me in particular that they didn’t like? Who could spank me because they didn’t like that I was born with a deformed ear or something like that? How could lying or joking about working at home make me rich in any way? So if I have nothing to fear or gain from the truth since I’m not a child in anyone’s custody and in need of anyone’s permission or approval, then why was my sexuality on trial earlier on Ask? IDK, maybe Andy was just playing with me and maybe I’m just imagining it, but sometimes I wonder if those who I think should know me best really know me at all. Or maybe they’ve just been bullshitted to death so many times by so many people that they’ve lost their ability to believe anyone, and I literally mean anyone.

But it’s true… sometimes I wonder if I’d have been better off not sharing as much of my life with anyone. When you keep a public journal, though, you can’t help who may see it, but sometimes I’m “questioned” about the strangest and dumbest things that I never would expect to be questioned about. If I said I was abducted by aliens and taken to another planet for some Chinese food, then I could see people being skeptical about it, but sometimes some people think I’m joking if I say I just brushed my teeth – WTF? Next thing you know I’m gonna get, “You’re not Jodi. I know you’re not really Jodi.”

Is it me or is it them? Ok, so I’m unique in some ways and I’m also as complex as I am simple, but when I look into my eyes in the mirror and I read back on some of the words in my journal, I fail to see a liar or a joker hiding in shame or fear amongst them. Because some people seem to think they mean so much to me that I would make up stories just to amuse and entertain them or perhaps make excuses because I fear some huge punishment should the truth be told, I’m now pickier about who I share what with. I still publish most things, but I do some entries for friends only and some are even totally private.

No one did this when my last rat died, but when my next pet dies and I write about how sad I am and how much I’ll miss that pet, I don’t need to be accused of lying simply to get pity and attention. So I keep some things to myself, particularly medical problems. I’ll mention it if my allergies go on the fritz, but if I should develop any new health problems of any significant kind I’ve decided that I’m going to keep it to myself. A part of me could kick myself for mentioning my sleep disorder. But if I said I had an outside job and stayed offline when I was supposedly working, that would make me a liar. Also, if I said, “Ha, ha, I was just kidding and just making it up to cover for some grand truth that could be used against me somehow,” once I was doubted, then that would also make me a liar. Well, the word is out about the sleep thing. I can’t take it back and I’m nobody’s liar either. Meaning I don’t tell people what they want to hear whether it’s because they don’t get it, don’t want to get it, or because they have serious trust issues they haven’t dealt with. But I can be nobody’s confidant. I can watch whom I tell what to or just keep my damn mouth shut altogether.

People really do surprise me sometimes, mostly by way of their hypocrisy or what kinds of people are more likely to take me at face value. I’ve had people fatter than me pick on my weight and I’ve had virtual strangers put their trust and faith in me that not even my own mother ever would do. WTF? Again, just WTF? LOL, I know it sounds funny, but hey, who am I to be able to explain the human mind and why people sometimes act in ways we’d least expect? And so I’ve learned to develop a “secretive” side to me at least in some ways since I’d much rather just not say anything at all about certain things than tell someone what they wanted to hear or make up stories about it. I’m not going to tell you I’ve conquered my driving phobia if I haven’t. I’m not going to deny being creeped out by spiders simply because you might not see how that’s possible since rats, mice and snakes don’t scare me. I can’t always know up front who’s going to want to throw me on trial and challenge me for what, but I have a feeling, for example, some people wouldn’t believe me if I said that less than a year ago the possibility of saving just 10 bucks seemed insane but now we have thousands. So those are the kinds of things I’ll be more selective about.

I wonder if some of the questions on Ask that seem to be from the troll are really someone just trying to make it look that way. The questions are similar, but the writing style isn’t, so that’s why I wonder. Guess I’ll never know, though.

I already got half my weekend weight off, but now I’m hungry as hell. Why is it that the longer I’m up the hungrier I get?

You know what? Fuck this honesty. Fuck always being me. Instead of always being so damn honest, could it really hurt to tell a little white lie here and there just to placate people and keep them off my back? I’m not saying that I should lie and twist everything, but the biggest thing people don’t get or have a problem with seems to be the sleep/job issue. So can it really hurt to say I’m working some menial little job once we’re moved and on a bus line? I don’t want to go so far as Kim that I’m impersonating celebrities and telling so many lies that I can’t tell fact from fiction, but that one thing is simple enough to change. I’m not going to say I was lying or joking about the sleep thing, just that I’ve learned to “work around” it. I always did want to see if I could get myself into at least a little role-playing anyway as long as it wasn’t anything too extreme cuz I think it could be fun. I’m just sick of the backlash I get for being a “1950s” woman, even though I know that had I had kids, for example, I’d get shit for not being a “modern” woman since kids aren’t as common as they used to be. Meaning that the population may’ve gone up in the last 50 years, but fewer of those women have kids.

Later...

MyOpera is having visibility issues right now and they’re not usually any quicker to deal with their glitches anymore than Thoughts is, so I’m posting daily in both blogs. My posts made after yesterday on MO aren’t showing up in the blog for some reason. They can only be accessed via the archive or through any links I post on Facebook. So as much as I hate to deal with snail-slow Thoughts on a daily basis, I’m going to anyway. I love Thoughts otherwise, I’m just fed up with every single damn site I use having problems and not doing anything about it!

That fucking kid of Jesse’s has been zipping up and down the drive on the dirt bike and it even zipped through here once. One more time and we’re calling up to Jesse to tell him to keep his damn kid to himself! Why couldn’t the damn thing be a girl?

Anyway, tomorrow’s the benefits meeting at work for Tom. He feels they’ll be pretty good since it’s a European country that the company’s based in. You usually have to work a year before you can get one lousy week off with U.S. companies, but in Europe, you usually get around 25-30 days. So the fact that he’s got 3 weeks off in his first year makes him hopeful the benefits will be good because like it or not there really are some things better about Europe as opposed to the U.S.

I know this may be just a dream, but I really wish we only had two more moves to make in our lives; to an adult community for the next 11 years, then to Spain when he retires. We won’t mind leaving everything behind but our clothes and toiletries.

The vitamins haven’t helped much to make me feel less sluggish, though I realize it’s mostly due to a lack of calories. It’s no wonder they recommend no less than 1500, but I’d never lose the few pounds I gain over the weekend if I didn’t drop to 1200-1300 like I do during the week.

We decided to bomb one last time this weekend, but not just because of the packing we’re doing, stirring up corners where bugs love to hide, and opening boxes that have sat around for ages, but because we know we’re going to be here another few months anyway and it’s prime time for bugs now. Even the shed’s going to be bombed despite the little vent holes up top. The shed is the most likely place for creepy crawlies and black widows are always a possibility. Even scorpions. Scorpions are more of a desert thing, but I have seen them here. Just once did I see this particular nightmare, but black widows, tarantulas and scorpions really do exist here.