Got a rude reply from Sarah, which goes to confirm that yes, not communicating with Tammy and her brood is indeed the right thing and I’m sorry I ever bothered in the first place. I totally should’ve known better! My first thought upon reading the reply was, wow, that’s some kid you raised, Tammy. But at the same time, one might perceive her as rude, she really wasn’t. She was only speaking her mind and what she believes to be true, after all, and so I can’t really fault her for that. I’m still surprised, though. I thought I wouldn’t get anything or that if I did it’d be a quick “Thank you.” Not the shit I got instead. Maybe she’s not all there, I don’t know. With a mother like Tammy who’s such a bitch and always so negative and hard on people, it’d be hard to grow up totally sane.

She said she believes her mother which didn’t surprise me. What 18-year-old doesn’t side with their own mother and believe every single thing they say and do? Even I would be quick to defend my own mom at that age. We’re all young, dumb and naïve at 18. It isn’t till we’re well into our 20s that we really start to see our parents for what they are and recognize that they’re human just like anyone else and humans make mistakes. So she’s got a ways to go before she’ll be able to see her flaws, shortcomings, weaknesses, and the fact that her mother really does lie, exaggerate, have a fondness for abusive men, and can be one hell of a hypochondriac, but hey, none of us are perfect. Not even me.

She kind of contradicted herself, though, when she admitted she didn’t know me and only knew the story she’d heard. Yeah, and I’m sure that’s SOME story, knowing my sister’s very active imagination and how spiteful she can be.

Well, some people really never do change. They’re simply as incapable of it as a rapist is incapable of being rehabilitated. Nonetheless, Tammy is perfectly welcome to tell her kids and anyone else who will listen that I’m an ax murderer. Nothing she can say could harm me in any way, and I’m sure she’s already called down to Florida to feed my folks a line of BS. I wouldn’t put it past her to say I threatened Sarah.

I did absolutely NOTHING to these people but told Bill what I’d like to do to him for abusing my sister and niece, so my conscience is totally clear. And if Tammy’s is clear after her actions which led me to jail for something I didn’t do, then that’s all the more reason I did the right thing in rejecting her trying to buddy back up to me. I will NEVER see these people again. Not here. Not in some other state. Not at my parents’ funerals. I’d only kick the crap out of a few people (not my nieces) and get my own ass tossed in jail. They’re not worth it. Especially since I wouldn’t be any more or less mournful about losing my parents no matter where I was at the time. I would still be grievous whether I was at their funeral or not, and I do intend to let them not only know this but that I wouldn’t trust Tammy to handle their will. Maybe they aren’t going to leave us anything, and they don’t have to if they don’t want to. It’s their money. However, I wouldn’t trust Tammy for a millisecond to let me know what they might’ve left to me if they do leave anything, much less get it to me. If they haven’t left everything to her, then they really oughta get an outside, totally independent party handling their will.

My only other mistake is bothering to say hi to Sarah in the first place, though I do admit, as cruel as it may be, that I did it more to surprise her and to provide her with access to my journal if she wasn’t already aware of it (and if she checked out my profile page where the link is located). I don’t know, there’s just something amusing about others reading my journal. I mostly journal for myself, but as I said in my introductory entry if it can help others at the same time it helps me, why not? Well, I don’t expect to “help” her, but the thought of people I know reading it is funny at the same time, though I’m not sure why. The idea of it just seems funnier than strangers reading it, and there are dozens of people I know/knew that could read it.

I doubt they’re reading my shit, though. I would think they’d be a little too sensitive for the Karma Queen’s random eVents and other ramblings.

Anyway, the kid’s obviously not very bright. Her spelling and grammar were so bad I had to read the message a few times to fully comprehend what she was trying to say. Or maybe she was just in a hurry. I see Tammy shining through the message, too. I mean, the apple may not fall far from the tree, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she ran and showed it to her, which is probably why she changed her vulgar s/n from I’M THE MOTHAFUCKIN PRINCESS, BITCHES (hey, I thought it was cute), unless it was just to make me look like I swore for no reason when in fact I was mocking her s/n, then Tammy coached her to say what she did. It just really sounds like something Tammy would say is why I think this.

She said she hoped for the best for me but also doesn’t want to communicate.

No problem, kiddo. You got it!

She also says she remembers “some of the stuff and the letters I would send them.”

What letters? The last letter I sent that she would’ve been old enough to remember, although she wouldn’t have read it herself and Tammy would’ve sprinkled it with bullshit, came from Oregon in 2005 or 2006. It was the EXACT same letter I sent my folks and was far from mean or threatening in any way. And I KNOW Tammy knew about the old neighbors that terrorized us and set me up. I discussed this in those letters.

She also hates to say it, but she “doesn’t have an aunt.”

Really? What about her father’s sister Etta? Then again, he and his whole family were pretty fucked up. I still say the guy lied about the lymphoma too, if he didn’t seriously stretch the truth. I did my homework. Lymphoma kills. Yet there’s no obit on him. Funny, ain’t it? Anyway, the only one I remember to be sane and kind in that family was Bill’s niece Lisa, and I quickly came not to regret cussing his mother out as well. Yeah, they weren’t too thrilled with me for it, LOL, though this cracks me up even to this day to remember how I called Tammy’s place one day. Bill’s mother, who was supposedly very abusive to her kids which I believe seeing what kind of angry person Bill was and probably still is, answered the phone. I thought I had the wrong number, she wasn’t very kind to me, and so I swore at her and hung up. Well, it turned out that it wasn’t the wrong number – hahahahaha!

She said she doesn’t know how I found her or even knew it was her.

That’s a joke, right? I mean, even an 18-year-old has gotta be smarter than that, right? Except for email addresses, people are pretty easy to find these days. All I had to do was type in her name and state on both MySpace and Facebook. The age was right, the state was right, and there was a resemblance to Tammy, so how could I not know it was her? Guess I wasn’t kidding when I said that while I may be the nuttiest, unique, eccentric, selfish, and conceited member of this seriously dysfunctional family, I’m also the smartest! grins

There are several sites that will tell you just about anything you might want to know about a person, short of the last time they took a shit.

Lastly, “the damage is still here and can never be fixed.”

She’s right. It IS still here and it CAN’T be fixed. Not even a million-dollar check from Tammy could “fix” me losing half a year of my freedom, my husband losing his wife for that half a year, and us both losing thousands of dollars. I won’t even bother getting into the stress, the anguish, the humiliation and the rage that no amount of therapy or pills could ever fix. Yeah, forget about cold showers, inedible food and lost sleep.

I just don’t understand why “I’m sorry” is so hard for some people. Why is it so hard for some to admit they fucked up when we’re all only human and everybody does it? Would it really have been so hard to say, “I’m sorry I defended that abuser and not you, and gave him your address, even though you threatening him on tape and on paper was uncool and illegal? I didn’t know I was leading you to discover your old, prejudiced and hateful neighbors had used their cop pal to frame you and that there was a warrant out for your arrest that would get you tossed in jail, but I’m sorry that happened,” (we didn’t know about the warrant because we didn’t have mail service at our remotely located house at the time).

Why is that so hard? Hey, I fuck up, too. Only I can admit it when I do. Here, let me show you: I’m sorry I wasted time saying hello to Sarah. I’m even sorry I bothered replying to Tammy’s initial message at the beginning of the year. These were both HUGE mistakes. Damn fuck-up I am at times!

What does bring a smile to my face and peace of mind is knowing that none of these people can ever hurt me again so long as I take my own damn advice of not allowing myself to be caught up in the family drama for the millionth time by associating with them. They have no hold on me whatsoever and Tammy – who could find out our address if she really wanted to – can send all the pigs to our door as often as she’d like, cuz I know there are no warrants out on me.

I’m saying this in print and that’s that I’ll NEVER forgive my sister, nor will I ever feel one tiny little shred of guilt over not forgiving her. I will NEVER be her sister and she will NEVER be mine. She has no sisters, only a brother. The hell she helped wreak upon my life and that of my husband’s totally overrides any good she may’ve done before I left New England.

I said I didn’t love, like or hate Tammy and that I’d gone numb and felt absolutely nothing for her, but I don’t know about that anymore. Maybe there is a little hate there. If someone landed you in jail, whether you were guilty or innocent, and whether they knew what they were doing or not, who wouldn’t be a little hateful? I have no hatred towards my nieces unless they go ahead and give me a reason to hate them, but maybe I would get a little kick out of seeing my sister fall down and break a leg. Maybe I would laugh if she did a little time herself. Maybe I would find humor in seeing her ripped off. I always said that no woman deserved to be abused by a man and that she was not responsible for his actions. But maybe she did deserve a part of it. After all, she put up with it for quite a while and then defended the bastard. It seemed like a great reason to feel sorry for herself and a great way for any sympathy junkie to get attention and then - WTF?!?! That loony tune just added me as a friend on FB. Tammy, I mean. Is she out of her mind? Or am I seeing things? shakes head and laughs hysterically Ok, I just GOTTA accept it just so I can find out what shit she’s up to now. I mean certainly she must be gearing up to pull something on me, right? That bad-ass bitch can be twice the vindictive bitch I sometimes wish I was!

Why in the world would she want to add me as a friend if she’s supposed to be so “damaged” by me? After all, I had a hell of a nerve telling her ex just what I’d like to do to him for abusing her and Lisa. That’s gotta be pretty damaging enough, right? So shouldn’t she have a little hate in her own corazon?

I’m gonna hold off on dragging my folks into this for now, but I’m NOT going to forgive her or be “sisters” again. Not even “friends.” I’m not reading any more messages either and just as soon as I find out what the hell she’s really up to, I’ll “dump” her friendship. And I’m not saying that just cuz of jail and all that shit, but cuz we’re as different as different can be. Remember, I’m over 25. That means I see people for who they are and not just for being related to me. She’s not someone I’d be friends with any more than I’m someone she’d be friends with because we’re so different. Unlike her, she likes TV, she’s not nearly as liberal, she probably hates gays and could never get that they don’t “choose” to be gay/bi anymore than straights choose to be straight, she’s mostly into different music, hobbies, etc. Just like I could outdance her any day, she could outcook me any day. I like clean and neat, she likes trashed and disorderly. What do we have in common other than sharing the same parents and a foul mouth? Oh, wait! We both have short hair now. Well, I’ll be damned! I only keep the long-haired pic on cuz it’s easier to look at than it was to wash and brush. The short-haired version of me is on Webshots.

Still, I’m the perfect little actress. She couldn’t keep a straight face if she tried. She can do some pretty complicated math in her head. I get stuck on stupid even with a calculator. She’s not into languages, writing, drawing or instruments, though I myself haven’t been in the mood for the last two in years now. I don’t even sing nearly as much as I used to.

Anyway, Tammy loves to say people suck at everything and anything. My singing has become an 8 on a scale of 1-10, but I could be a 10 and she’d still say I sucked, not that her opinion matters to me in this day and age. But that’s how she is just the same. I’d bet almost anything that she’d also say my stories sucked, my dolls sucked, my clothes sucked, my nail polish sucked – hell – my little toe sucks! That’s ok, though, I’m hard to please and impress, too.

I had to laugh when she said she was in an open relationship for a while, not that I’m against that. Remember, I don’t judge others. To me, no lifestyle is “wrong” or “sinful” that doesn’t harm anyone. I don’t care what you think, believe or feel. It’s what you may DO that I worry about. You can hate short people all you want. Just don’t even dare think of trying to ban some of my basic human rights because of it.

I still wonder if she and my nieces aren’t behind some of the prank emails I’ve gotten. Emails aren’t easy to get, but if you pay for them you could get them. That is if you couldn’t guess them. Well, if you’re reading this, bitch, no more contact ok? Just pretend I never existed and that I’m just a figment of your wild imagination. I’ll do the same with you and your brood. I’ve got enough other things to be pissed off at and worried about. Just tell yourself how much you hate my guts every single day of your life first thing in the morning as soon as you get up and go to make your coffee. You just might believe it in time. smiles You hate me. You really do. You wouldn’t even THINK of embarrassing yourself by associating with someone like me!

Man, look at the time I wasted on this shit! Over 4 pages! Shame on me. I have languages to learn, rooms to dust, dishes to wash, rats to chase, and dreams to dream.