I thought of returning to the Life as a Caligirl diary title, but then said to myself, what life? You don’t HAVE a life. You guys are sitting here on unemployment waiting for life to happen that never seems to want to happen. Going with Me Uncensored isn’t very good when I am at least a little censored online, believe it or not, LOL! So that’s when I came up with Pensieri, Temores, Experiências, Rêves. Thoughts (Italian), Fears (Spanish), Experiences (Portuguese), Dreams (French). After all, I write my thoughts, such as the fact that I’m thinking that I’m getting really damn sick of the family drama. I write my fears such as the possibility of a raging forest fire. My experiences such as all the different climates I’ve lived in. And lastly my dreams of owning our own home once again.

Before I get on with our lives, or what’s become a lack of it, I got another message from Lisa which gave me the impression that she feels I’m rejecting her. She never mentioned this diary so maybe she really doesn’t know about it. Therefore, I felt I should finally reply and explain to her why I feel it’s in her best interest that we don’t communicate. I let her know that it isn’t about me giving her rejection, but about me looking out for her. I told her I love her dearly, but even if she didn’t say anything and I kept it out of my diary, others would eventually find out we’ve been keeping in touch and give her all kinds of shit for it. I told her I didn’t want to get her hopes up as far as her mom and I patching things up. I didn’t want to get into all the reasons I can’t stand her and how the best way to avoid those that give us shit is to ignore them whenever possible because she’s an adult and it’s up to her to decide if and when she’s had enough. I told her that aside from the reasons I’m upset with her mom, we’re like night and day and so I don’t see the point anyway. Anyone who tells me I should’ve jumped from a higher window is not someone I want to be buddies with whether they’re related to me or not. I told her I didn’t mean to hurt her by saying so but didn’t want to lie to her either. I also told her that her mother threatened me if I ever contacted anyone in her family again. Even though they’re adults and she has no hold on me and cannot hurt me, I don’t need the hassles and neither does my husband. Spiting me is one thing, but as she fails to recognize, my husband also has to deal with whatever trouble she causes me. Lastly, I told her that while I don’t expect to ever resume a relationship with her or Larry, I’ll always love her and wish the best for her. I hope this will help placate her, at least a little.

Anyway, I know that if need be I could block them on FB and MS or just deactivate the accounts altogether. I could ignore whatever feedback comes in. I’d hate to miss the good ones, but I’m not going to set the diary private like I said. Not without a damn good reason, and you know what? I ain’t got one!

The shitty thing is that I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Tammy dragged our folks into this. As if they don’t have enough problems of their own at their ages and with their health issues. So unless that much has changed, she always at least used to involve others in our disputes. Furthermore, I’m sure my parents will side with her. They may love all their kids equally, but parents tend to automatically side with whoever’s older. That’s just human nature for parents and I don’t have to be a parent myself to know this. Ah, but I’m not about to defend myself to them either. I don’t owe anyone any explanations for anything I say and do. If I ever bring it up myself it will be because I chose to do so. Period. Or maybe I’ll just act as if nothing happened. Ah, ignorance is bliss!

One of my parents is going to die when they’re 83. I don’t know how I know this. I just do. I don’t know which one will be the first one to go or how. In 2004 it came to me that Tom’s mom would die of a massive stroke when she was 86 or 87. Well, she’s going to be 86 on the 29th, so we’ll see. She still owes us about 15K too, but we’ll never see it. That’s the money that she and Dad agreed would go to each of their kids when the first one died. They were to take whatever money they had at the time and divvy up half of it amongst the kids, but of course, being the cold, calculated person that she is, she kept it all for herself. I remember when people would warn me about how selfish she could be and how much she loved to use people, and I just couldn’t believe it. I mean, she comes off as the nicest, sweetest lady ever. But then when I saw the way she took advantage of Tom’s kindness after dad died, who always wore the pants in the family and kept the Queen in check, even though he was a great guy and never abused his wife or kids, it infuriated the hell out of me until Tom finally saw her true colors and put his foot down. That wasn’t the final straw, though. The final straw came in Oregon when she left her son and his wife to pretty much live or die. She knew we had NOTHING those first few months in Oregon, but she was too pissed off to care now that Tom wasn’t around to drive her to church or to use for whatever else she needed. She was just a true fair-weather friend at heart. shakes head sadly And this was after she promised us any help we may need and not to hesitate to ask.

Damn, I wish we could’ve been an only child!

Print THAT for the state police!

Now that we’re only picking up our mail once a week there should be a ton of stuff waiting for us. I hope the check’s there so I can get my fudge fix out of the way. I’ve been craving fudge for over a week now, and PMS brings out the worst of cravings, LOL. Screw losing more weight. If staying a little fat means being able to enjoy a little indulgence, then a little fat is A-okay.

Some of the past entries I’ve read kind of sound sadder and more hopeless than I actually remember feeling. Well, I wouldn’t say things are bad, but I sure do feel stuck in a rut. When life gives you the wrong results for your efforts, well, that’s frustrating at times! We’re getting just what we should get if we were lazy, drunks or druggies who didn’t give a damn, and that’s not much of a life with not much money to go with it. Why do these things happen to sober people who don’t mind hard work?

When they told me after I had a miscarriage that I could eventually have a kid if I kept trying, you know why I finally decided a kid wasn’t what I really wanted? So I could have a life. Yup. So I could just go on living, enjoy my freedom, and just have a life. Well, I went on living, and I have my freedom so long as no hateful “minorities” are busy getting me thrown in jail with the help of their equally hateful pig pal, but I don’t feel I have much of a life right now. It’s not that we’re not working at all, though. Hey, somebody’s gotta clean and do the laundry. It’s also hard work doing computer programming, learning languages and writing stories, so it’s not like we’re sitting, staring at the wall and twiddling our thumbs. Plus I got a few little online jobs as small as they may be.

Things could be a lot worse than they are and we’ve certainly been in situations that were much more stressful. But I still kind of miss the days when I’d wake up and know there was probably a win-notice waiting for me in my inbox, or a surprise win in the mail. I miss having extra money, too. Next month we’ll have a little extra, but not this month because our car insurance is due. Maybe Nikita will bring us extra money. She is a very expensive doll, after all. We’ll probably list her this weekend.

Later…

When the jobless get bored, the bored get learning. Yeah, being jobless can make you smarter! I’m 37% through Portuguese 101 with a 98% accuracy rate, though I never would’ve gotten such a high score if it weren’t for the Spanish. I finished Unit 1. There were sound issues with the Portugal Portuguese so I dumped it and enrolled in the Brazilian Portuguese where the sound is much better.

I wish my schedule were either a few hours ahead or a few behind because sleeping is gonna be hard today. That’s cuz it’s mail and check day, and so I’ll keep waking up wondering if anything good came in the mail and anxious to make that yummy fudge I was talking about earlier. And of course, if the check comes tomorrow instead, I’ll be doing this two days in a row and not one.