Maybe I’m not an idiot after all since I’m absolutely exhausted today. I did get up a little sooner than I should have but still. This is insane and very worrisome. I still think most of it is on my thyroid. It will be whatever is the hardest to treat, with my shit luck. Really worried that my thyroid test is going to show no improvement or that it’s even worse.

Although I was going to wait until tomorrow, I decided to take a vitamin D today because it seems like the last time I took one two days ago, I had more energy the next day even if it barely lasted an hour.

In one of my dad’s final letters to me before he died in 2012, he said that the last couple of years hadn’t been the same and I can’t help but think I’m going to end up with the last 30 of my years not being the same. I’ve always been eager to move ahead in life and looked forward to the future. Now all I want to do is go back in time. I want to go back to having the energy to live. A 57-year-old woman should have the energy to go for a walk. Instead, I was so tired I had to nap and I’m still tired.

I just hope to hell I have enough energy for the nuclear stress test because about 15 to 20 minutes of it is going to be on the treadmill. They’re going to inject a radioactive tracer into my bloodstream and take pictures part of the time. It’s a long test that can take over 2 hours. I still don’t expect to have any blockages. I think it’s too soon. Maybe in a decade, though. At least this way I’ll know for sure. I wish it could be as simple as them finding something and then treating it so I can feel better but that’s just not the way it works with me.

On Monday Tom will be returning the heart monitor and going toward Tampa to see if he can do some DoorDash deliveries.

Tomorrow should be the last day of wearing the monitor. I’m glad because sometimes my skin gets itchy and of course, the rat tries to grab it. We charged the sensor yesterday and changed the patch. My skin was a bit red and irritated but it should be fine once this patch is off and I scrub the area and put lotion on it. I’m sure I’ll have a ton more of those funny palpitations after it’s off too. eyeroll I only had a few while it was on.

So I’ve been feeling like I have no energy, depressed, worried for my future, and wondering how the hell I’m going to get my thyroid under control without side effects. I swear that day on July 9th, 2014 was a turning point for me. My mind and body as I’d always known it was gone and it was the point of no return. Now the final third of my life can be spent with a combination of the same old ongoing shit along with new problems. What could possibly be up there that hates me so much? Could there have been a bunch of negative energy that latched on to me in the last house? Something else?

It was far from the first time that I remembered earlier how Aly said she wished she would get something that would just kill her at times and how much I could understand her saying that. Not that she literally wanted to die of course. No one does. They just don’t want to suffer. But sometimes I wonder if my only choices are to live to suffer or not live at all.

I miss Aly so much!

The honker was home most of today but was out most of yesterday. I like him single because he’s definitely out more often in general. Only problem is that his dog barked a little last night. Fortunately, it was only 15 to 20 barks and then it stopped. No matter how humid it is out there he never seems to run his AC. All his windows are open so when it does bark I can hear it easily enough, especially if I’m in the front of the house. The more he’s out, the more it’s going to go off which I learned from Jesse’s dogs, not that I expect it to ever bark for 12 hours at a time like his used to of course. That wouldn’t be tolerated here (I hope) and I don’t know if the thing can hold it for that long. Jesse’s dogs were outside all the time so he certainly didn’t have to come home after a while to let them out to do their thing.

Facebook shows you events that your friends are either interested in or planning to attend. Well, the honker is interested in some rock concert in Ocala on June 7th of next year. When I saw that I was like, June 7th?! How the hell long is he planning to stay? And how does the U.S. know if a Canadian visitor has overstayed their allotted 6 months?