Today I’m feeling a little better than yesterday. I have a little more energy, and my mental state is a little calmer. I had a few moments yesterday where I felt anything but good. I was not only horribly tired but eventually feeling shitty caught up to me emotionally.

Again, I couldn’t help but think that if it wasn’t for Tom, how tempting it would be to end it all because of how shitty I feel so often. If I lived in an apartment building and was high enough up that I could simply open a window and end it in a matter of seconds, the urge to resist when I’m feeling at my worst would be incredibly challenging. Someday, but not now. I still want to try and wait until he goes.

Another startling realization hit me. Well, maybe it wasn’t startling so much as surprising. I see many regular readers on my visitor report, and I realize that many of them are likely crawlers and bots of various kinds but if any are actual humans, then in some ways, they care more about what’s going on in my life than anyone else other than Tom. That’s quite an honor and I’m truly flattered because I can’t think of any Facebook friends who would read me daily. A few do once in a while, but Andy is unlikely to read my journal and Jessie is even less likely to read it. Andy would probably not want to take the chance of reading anything that may offend him, and Jessie would see it as invading my privacy, even if it’s not exactly private, and both are busy with other things. Andy has his groups and Jessie has her work. I don’t care about Jessie, but I would prefer Andy not to read it so I do what I can to keep the link from him. He has too much trouble understanding and remembering things.

Many times I'll start to do an entry on PB but then stop myself because I'm just not feeling that place much these days. I think I'd rather stick with a bunch of crawlers and bots and what's likely to be people who don't know me. I feel I can be more open this way. I know I could just go private but there is something appealing about the idea of an unbiased and complete stranger possibly peeking in on my life. PB would still be a good place for next year's daily writing prompt project.

Even though I slept better last time, it wasn’t without being woken up and it was definitely my own dumb fault. Again, I turned the sound machine off thinking I was getting up, but I dozed off. Nearly an hour later, the fucking motorcycle down the street was being revved up. So my fault for turning the sound machine off before I knew for sure I was getting up and of course, the park’s fault too, for allowing this shit in here.

I was tempted to email the office under a bogus email address through Tor. You know, in case they have friends in the office like the Bakers were friends with Joy and the freeloaders were friends with the rogue cop. I was tempted to ask why these fuckers are exempt from following the rules even though it specifically states in the rule book that you’re not supposed to gun engines. And also, why are we not allowed to have parties that can be heard in other people’s houses while it’s okay to have vehicles that can be heard in them?

But then I decided not to for two reasons. First, it wouldn’t do me any good. Secondly, I’d rather keep the complaints for bigger issues should there ever be any. If Ray’s girlfriend moves in with a yapping dog she won’t control or someone else moves in that’s a problem. So basically anything that’s a threat to my sleep or lasts for more than just a few minutes at a time.

We’re slowly dismantling the “doghouse,” but we agreed not to remove the frame this year. After the first, assuming there are no issues and we don’t need to put it back, we’ll take it down. It served its purpose and was more or less a training sleeper of sorts to help get used to sleeping here. If it’s something ferociously loud, like really loud thunder, or if a motorcycle was being revved right outside the house, then it wouldn’t do any good anyway. Same goes for the louder mower and garbage truck. Fortunately, they still usually use the quieter trucks and it’s that time of year when they only mow every other week.

Tom got a bunch of colorful silicone cupcake wrappers. This way he can fill them with alfredo sauce or spaghetti sauce to freeze and then thaw whenever he wants to have pasta. The sauce could go bad if he keeps it in the refrigerator and uses it as he needs it.

OMG, what a classic example of Andy not understanding things, LOL. I shared a meme with him that I got from Margaret that says, “So a burglar broke into the house… I put the red dot on his chest, and the cat did the rest.”

“I don’t get it,” he said, so I had to explain it to him.