Before Rhonda…

On the way to Rhonda and exhausted as fuck. I doubt I’ll post this today. My sleep was broken up… again. I don't know if it woke me up or if I woke up and then noticed it, but my nose was stuffy. I probably burned too much of the awesome incense cones we got with our Walmart order, so I had to get up and play nose and use my snot spray. It took a full clonazepam to put me back out. Slept for the rest of the night maskless. As I knew I would, I woke up exhausted.

We had to bomb this place because these little black bugs were biting my feet. Not sure what they were. We sat in the driveway for two hours with Tink in her little pink carrier. Just like last time, she was so good. She sat in her carrier the whole time, even though the door was open. She demanded to be patted at times, of course, LOL. She also devoured the piece of a Cheeto I gave her.

We ate, and I lay down for a bit after we aired the place out. I feel warm, tired, and heart racy. Hopefully, in less than three hours, I won't have to worry about schedules and appointments for a while! Just the usual fatigue and possible storm and power disruptions. 

I still can't say for sure whether or not the maca helps. It seems to at times. I know I felt like shit for a while yesterday, as just going to Walgreens took a lot out of me, but I felt better after a while. Still, and as I intend to discuss with Rhonda, I greatly fear chronic fatigue. Something ain't right. I should definitely have more energy more often. I don't think it's my thyroid. It would definitely help to find the right mask so I could sleep with it full time. We ordered a full face with liners and a cradle.

After Rhonda…

I left Rhonda's office feeling better, but not. The frustration came to a head, and I was even teary-eyed when explaining to her how shitty I’ve felt. She agrees I probably do have chronic fatigue and doesn't know if I’ll get better. Tom feels so confident that I'll get better, and he was right when it came to the hardcore anxiety. But the impression I got from her was that she didn't feel very hopeful. I've got so many things working against me. Things that are harder to deal with as an older person. As she reminded me, we can't handle the things we could handle as well when we were younger. I've got my thyroid, my A1C, my sleep apnea, and just being old working against me. Even being fat can cause fatigue. Perhaps everyone's different, but I can say without a doubt that there isn't a single good thing about aging. Yes, we do get smarter and less emotional when the shit hits the fan, but I'd rather be a dumbass basket case who felt great as opposed to how I am now.

When she broached the subject of an endocrinologist, I told her why I had no luck with them, explaining the last one told us to do some crazy stuff and was likely involved in kickbacks, and that the one in California wouldn't believe me when I tried to tell her that levothyroxine could make me anxious if I got in the target range. She said that while they do care about numbers, as that's what they're trained to do, they also believe in listening to their patients. We definitely know our bodies best!

I don't think I'll ever lose weight because I can't get my TSH in the target range without feeling anxious. I'm always going to have at least subclinical hypothyroidism. So I asked her, "How can I continue to lower my A1C without dropping weight?" and she told me what I already know, but my brain fog momentarily made me forget, and that's to lower my carbs. So I really need to get serious about following a diabetic menu plan. She recommends no more than 100 to 125 carbs a day.

I also mentioned that since having my gallbladder removed, it can cause absorption issues, and she said she has heard of that. So that right there is another thing working against me. She wants to test my thyroid after I've been consistent for about 6 weeks with no skips. So I have to really back off the vitamin D that doesn't come from food, and hopefully I can go to the lab around August 1st.

I told her that I've been waking up a lot and asked about the Doxepin I looked up, and she agreed that there aren't any medications out there that don't have side effects. She's going to start me off at the lowest dose. 6 milligrams is what they use for sleep, and 25 is what they use for depression. It's used to treat mood disorders for the most part. It's not an SSRI, but it can cause suicidal thoughts, and it's safe to stop it if there are any side effects. I later read that it's not safe to suddenly stop it, but I'm gonna take her word for it. The thing is, how am I going to know if I have suicidal thoughts when I have that most of the time anyway with how shitty I’ve been feeling???

There was one thing she did say that was encouraging. I hope she really knows what she's talking about because she says it could take up to six months to really feel the benefits of CPAP treatment, and says she doesn't see how I could not get more energy after that amount of time. Well, getting the right mask will certainly help if there is such a thing for me.

I didn't tell her this, but I'm going to give it to the end of the year. I really, really can't keep suffering for the rest of my life. If nothing I do can alleviate the extreme fatigue, I don't think life is worth living at that point. I just can't see myself able to handle living in a fog for another 15 to 20 years. I want to live and not just exist. I'll give the Doxepin, lowering carbs, and the CPAP a little more time, though. The Doxepin is supposed to help people fall asleep and stay asleep. I doubt I'll be able to handle the side effects, whichever ones I get, because I'm very sensitive to medication. But I'm too desperate not to try something. I haven't had too much trouble falling asleep lately because of the exhaustion, but I'm still having trouble staying asleep. Not quite as much as when I was leaving the devices on and near the bed, but it’s still bad enough, and yes, I know it's part of aging. The older we get, the shittier we sleep.

In six weeks, assuming I can stick to the Doxepin that long, we're going to have a virtual follow-up appointment.

Just the other day, I asked Tom when I last had a tetanus shot, and he said it had been a while, but he doesn't remember what year. She was able to tell that it was in 2014, so I'm definitely due for that. She also wants to do a CAC test on me.

It’s just so damn hard to accept the fact that I'm never going to get better and that I'm just not meant to live life anymore, but simply to be alive. It's a sad realization that's been slowly setting in, and like I said, I don't think I can just say, "Oh, well, that's just life and what's meant for me," and just live with it. Almost every day is a struggle. I feel horribly fatigued, even just sitting in a chair. I'm really afraid Tom's wrong this time, and I'm never going to get better. My life is basically over, no matter how long I stay alive. No more vacations if we ever had money, and definitely no moving. There's no way I could handle a move. Those adventures are definitely a thing of the past. I don't like a lot of things about Florida, but hey, at least it's warm most of the year and it's more affordable.

I had a couple of different AI models create an editing tool code for me to use on Blogger. Tom's going to go through it, but I don't think I'll be using Blogger regularly anymore. I may make large monthly posts there, and that's it. I still say they're preparing to phase out the blogs. Why else would you do something so crazy?

Upon waking up today…

Feeling exhausted and totally hopeless. Sleep was a little fragmented because I took Zyrtec and ibuprofen before bed. Also, I didn't get enough REM sleep last night, and the night before, I didn't get enough deep sleep. Not getting enough REM last night may be partly my fault, because I drank wine before bed.

Still, I feel like I have a huge life sentence hanging over my head, and it's a really tough pill to swallow. I just can't accept feeling like this for the rest of my life.