Once again, I didn't seem to wake up as much, but when I woke up to pee—so much for the CPAP cutting that out—I had trouble getting back to sleep, so I took half of a clonazepam pill. Same issues with the mouth leaks, and I woke up tired. 

I just can't get a good seal with either mask, and I still fear that I’m never going to find the right one. And where do I even begin to look? These things aren’t a few dollars a pop. It's not like I can just go out and buy one of each and experiment with them since they do cost quite a bit of money, especially if I have to get a new frame and harness. I'm not sure if I'm going to get a full face mask or a hybrid with a nasal pillow, but I'm starting to think a full face might be my best bet, plus a liner. The research I've done suggests liners are not only more comfortable but tend to give you a better seal.

They have a printable sizing chart, but right now we don't have a printer that can print. We fucked up by getting an inkjet when we should have gotten a laser. That way, the ink would last longer. 

I just feel so overwhelmed and like I'm not getting anywhere with the sleep issues. I don't suffocate awake anymore, and the number of events is definitely down, but what good is that if I've traded events for leaks that disrupt my sleep just as easily? I can't rule out chronic fatigue until I can stop things from waking me up—or at least cut way back. But I still fear there's some kind of curse on my sleep and nothing I do is going to stop that. As I've said before, it's like it's using my own health and body against me because I'm now in a quiet place where traffic doesn't wake me up several days a week. I try to tell myself that if this doesn't get resolved, I can live tired. Well, I'll be existing instead of living, but I can survive. I'll feel crappy most of the time, but things could be worse, and it's not like I drive or have a job I have to be at. So even though my activities will be severely limited and I'll have to pace myself and take breaks by lying down for a few minutes here and there, it's still better than the anxiety I used to go through. Besides, if it were suddenly resolved, I would just go into a whole new problem. So yeah, after we've wasted a little more money on another kind of mask that's destined to leak—at least for me—I'll just have to cut my losses and accept that at least I shouldn't suffocate awake or feel really short of breath during the daytime anymore. Just tired. But hey, I do have some good days mixed in. They're only once or twice a week, but they're there. I'll just appreciate those good days even more when they come around.

I'll never go to the beach again or anything like that, but so what? I've been to the beach enough times in my life. And no, if by some miracle we ever did have money, we couldn't move, but this isn't the worst place to be, so that's okay too. I do like the weather here, despite the storms sometimes waking me up and the stress of hurricanes. So yeah, I'll be okay. Sure can't deny that I miss so many parts of my old body and life, though. But they can never be again. I just miss some of the old feelings I would have and the way so many things seemed so new and exciting. Even just the thought of some things was different than they are now.

Hell, I haven't even had a crush on anyone since 2016. I miss having eye candy to inspire my creative side by including them in stories I'd write. But at this age, you just don't have the feelings you had when you were younger. I'd settle for better sleep and better energy—but again, that's just not in my cards. Oh well. At least I'm not blind or paralyzed or anything like that. Even the anxiety was a lot worse.

I wish I were one of those who could dive into role-playing, really sink into a fun-filled fantasy world as an escape, but I can't even come up with the enthusiasm and imagination for that much anymore. Strange for someone who's always been so creative. I recently read that the youngest child is often underestimated but is usually the most creative. How true that is in my case! Even when I'm not as creative, I'm still pretty creative compared to how my siblings were/are. Never had a damn thing in common with either one of them. Just the abusive mother and enabling father.

I've tried to think of different things to do when I'm on nights and he's asleep. I thought of bringing some of my old characters to “life”—be it totally made-up characters or those I actually knew. Bringing them to life by imagining them here and chatting with them, since there wouldn't really be anything else to do but chat. But what would we chat about, and how often could I do this type of thing anyway? I thought of alternating characters and switching them up regularly for variety—but again, how often would I do this, and what would we discuss that often? And what about when I was eating or doing other things? Would I somehow incorporate that into the little game? I don't know what to do or think anymore, but I think that, tired or not, I want to hit the road. I'm still in the middle of Eastern Hungary.

Had fun chatting with Kathy tonight. We talked about Kim, Molly, old websites, inflation, stores, coloring books, and more.

The guy delivering the dog’s urn said her crazy neighbor was pressing him for info, demanding to know if there was any evidence that her dog was attacked because she wanted to take it to the PD or something like that. As far as Kathy knows, though, she's got no case against her and won't be summoned. I hope not, because this would be one of those rare instances where you couldn’t not show up to court, being neighbors and all that. If she refused to go, the neighbor could call the cops, saying she was hearing screaming or something like that over there, and when they ran a routine check, she would get arrested for failing to appear.

I can't say who's responsible for the gap in the fence, but the neighbor is definitely at fault for not watching her dog. Do I believe Kathy’s dogs didn’t attack it? Not really. I think a lot of people forget that just because a dog is friendly to people doesn't mean it's going to be friendly to an animal trespassing on its property. Still, the neighbor should have kept tabs on her own dog.