Ugh, where do I begin? Well, let’s just start with the fact that I didn’t get thundered awake but I had delayed and fragmented sleep. I was up a little over 18 hours and woke up more than I have been lately. I’m holding off on starting the Doxepin until probably Tuesday, after Tom’s surgery and when he’ll be up before I crash. Yeah, it’s called PTSD-induced phobia.

One of the times I woke up, I knocked the fucking hose off the headgear. I’ve been using that harness where the hose is on top of the head and connects with a magnet. I whacked it against the headboard shelf and it got caught on my bun and popped off. So I ended up sleeping the last couple of hours without the CPAP, and that just made things worse. I was snorting and gasping and didn’t even have the energy to throw in my nasal dilator. I like the hose-on-top setup, but the other harness was definitely more comfortable. Harness. That always sounded funny to me. Makes me think of what horses wear. I just want a fucking mouthguard!

Tom is in bed, looking forward to cataract surgery in the morning. For the first time in the 30+ years I’ve known him, I’m actually envious. He gets to have a procedure that will help him tremendously.  Meanwhile, there's no procedure that could ever restore my energy.

I tried an electrolyte drink not long after I got up, but it didn’t help at all. I think those might only work when I start the day with halfway decent energy, then feel it waning. Not when I wake up utterly exhausted. It's only going to get worse, too, because the storms are gonna be picking up, and even without them, I'm going to be worried about Tom. I know it's not like he's having open heart surgery, but still.

It just occurred to me that even though my sleep was delayed and fraggy, I don't remember any leaks. The only thing that might help my overall energy levels would be to consistently get sleep without being up for 18 hours or more, and with little to no frags. I think I started feeling better yesterday because I had three fairly decent sleeps in a row. The problem is that as soon as I get on track, I get kicked back. Can't control the storms, but I think that if I could find something I could tolerate and that I could take long-term that would knock me out when I started having trouble falling asleep, and that would help defrag me, that'd be my only hope of improvement.

But how do I do that??? I'd take Doxepin for life if it would help and I wouldn't have bad side effects. But until and if I see otherwise, I can't believe I'm going to have any luck with it or ever find anything else that’d help. If my sleep really is cursed, then whatever’s cursing it is going to make sure nothing helps.

Really glad I'm not in touch with Andy now. I miss him every day and hope he's doing well, but he would be so uncompassionate, unempathetic, and non-understanding when it came to something like CF. I know him. He would say there was no such thing, and that everybody's tired, and that I was just an "excuse queen," blah, blah, blah. You know, the stuff real friends simply don't say. Then he would tell me it was just his “opinion” when in reality, there’s a difference between an opinion and a fact.