Today has been somewhat boring but ok, nonetheless. I got my refill on my Navane and also bought a new flashlight cuz Fran stole mine. He probably thought I’d never notice, but now that he knows I did, I’ll probably never see him again. I also have to get a new calculator. I’ll never even get the money for the records I gave him.

I asked Joe at Saratoga Drug if he’d save me boxes. He said yes, and I’m to go there next Wednesday to pick some up. I gave them my new address for their prescription records.

The only bitch to moving is that there are so many changes to make. My license, the bank, SS, the post office, welfare, the phone company and God knows who else. I’ve got to take care of all that next week.

Ma says to watch the mail for two big envelopes. Probably the dress she says she bought.

I have so many expenses coming up with moving, cable, the phone and the dating service. I’m gonna cancel the cable but I’m not gonna pay them all at once. I’d rather only have a VCR although the reception is better with cable. I’m gonna have to pay for gas and electricity when I move too. I’m gonna have to really cut out my long-distance calls.

Later...

Where the hell is Nervous? I’ve left messages for 4 days in a row and I haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out screwing someone.

Russ called about cleaning his house on Monday morning at 9:00. The thing that petrifies me is getting attacked by a dog. He says there’s one large dog loose in the neighborhood, but that it doesn’t attack. I’m still scared. Ever since I nearly got attacked in Longmeadow, I’ve been scared to walk the streets cuz of strays.

I’m psyched! I’ve been waiting forever for this day to come. I’m moving! Back to my old place on April 1st. Russ called Mom and Dad in Florida, and they’re paying April’s rent, then from now on they’ll send Russ $140 a month, and I’ll pay $300. I’m paying to move me, too. I’m gonna be working for Russ cleaning his house, and his maintenance guy is gonna move me. Russ is gonna talk to him.

I’m so happy! Goodbye, Puerto Rico! Bruce is gonna help me by getting me boxes and changing my locks. Andy’s gonna buy my bars, cuz of course, I won’t need them, and Jessie’s gonna move my stereo and pianos and whatever else in her car. I’ve already packed tons of shit.

I ran into Linda today at the gas station and I told her about it and I’m kind of upset now cuz she was supposed to come over two hours ago and didn’t and I’m really getting to like her a lot now. She moved too, out of the house she and her ex-girlfriend owned.

You will not believe the horrendous experience I had yesterday afternoon at Friendly’s. I finally met Mary, and oh my God, what a disgusting, pitifully pathetic case! She’s so ugly! Blistery zits all over her face, braces, gross body, her clothes looked like they were 100 years old and had never been washed. She was so insecure, nervous and shy. The things she said were so stupid. She looks like an unstable, immature little kid. She was pulling her sleeves over her hands saying, “I’m so shy. People say I give them bad vibrations.”

When I went to reach for a cigarette, she jumps and I said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Would you rather I wait?”

She said, “No, it’s just that you’re so good-looking and I’ve never seen anyone more attractive.”

I thought to myself, Of course you’re saying that cuz you’re an ugly jerk. If you were decent or attractive you wouldn’t waste your time saying that.

I called Tammy and she said not to worry, and that that always happens the first time, before she went on to tell me about all the ugly losers she got before she met Bill.

I called Pam and told her and she sympathized with me and said she’d make it up to me by sending someone else.

I’m on cloud 9 about moving but hurt that Linda never showed up or called. She’s no Gloria, but I’m really getting to like her. Something’s definitely there. Just something attracts me, and I feel she’d be good to me.

I told Tammy I’d be moving and gave her my address. She seemed happy. Everyone’s happy for me.

Yesterday I fell asleep really early in the evening and then at 9:30 or so I slowly became aware of an unfamiliar voice on my answering machine, so I called back and it was a referral from Woman to Woman. Her name is Mary. Like I need to meet another person with that name! Haven’t I met enough people with that name anyway?

Well, anyway, she doesn’t really seem like my type. Just the way she was talking, her choice of words and attitude. I could be wrong cuz you can’t really get to know someone over the phone just by talking to them once. But it seems like I’ll never have what I have in mind. Maybe my standards are too high, but I want what I want.

She says she’s 5’ 4” with auburn hair and that she’s slightly overweight and wears glasses and lives with her mom in Westfield. Of course, I always get overweight people and I hate glasses and I wish she had her own house. She says her hair is long and she’s 27 years old and she’s never been with a woman before. Shit! I want someone who has experience with women.

I suppose whatever and whoever I get is always better than a man just so long as they aren’t another Mary D. Or as ugly.

Later...

Every single fucking morning at this time there’s some car warming up gunning its engine and I’m really beginning to consider going out there and knocking a piece of my mind into this guy. It’s ridiculous.

I can’t wait now, believe it or not, for the warm weather so Andy and I can go to the beach. I can’t wait to wear my new swimsuits.

I’d like to order this strapless mini dress from this catalog I have, but not a bathing suit cuz I can get one just as good at A.D.S. Fashions for less money. The dress costs $16, so I’ll just wait a while.

I filled out that application, so I’ll just wait and see what happens. I’ll mail it today.

Maybe I’ll call my hairdresser, Dee, to get an inch trimmed off the bottom straight across and also my bangs to get it closer to one length. I’d kind of also like her to take the perm out. I’m getting a little sick of it but it does look nice and she did an excellent job. It’s just that I hate how all the hair from the top of my hair is dead. The rest of it is very healthy, soft and silky.

I forgot to mention that I set up a time to meet with Mary at Friendly’s on Sumner Ave. this Thursday at 5 PM. She says she doesn’t know Springfield that well and if she doesn’t “forget” she’ll be there. I’ll probably call her tonight to remind her. I’m not going all the way up there for nothing, and it gets dark soon after 5:00.

The one thing I hate about waking up really early is that no one’s up and nothing’s open.

Tammy called me yesterday saying her cousin from Georgia is flying in for a few days.

My show Unsolved Mysteries is on tonight which I’m looking very forward to seeing cuz I missed it last week.

Later...

Stuart is on the phone now. He’s worried about going to court again for prank phone calls.

Right now I heard this really weird noise outside. Some kind of hissing sound.

Stuart said he’d get back to me later. I really want to get together with him and see how he looks now. He’s grown his hair longer in the back so he says. It’s been close to a year since I’ve seen him.

I pray to God I get my old place back. Stuart and I would be neighbors, and also Jo L still lives there. If Eddie bothers me I’ll pop him one, not caring how sick he is with Alzheimer’s disease.

To tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much better since Sasha left, but the new medication and the shots should hopefully help a lot.

Later...

I just got back from having a bite to eat with Stuart. He looks pretty good, but his hair doesn’t look longer to me. It still looks the same. He says I look too thin now. He’s gained some weight in the gut.

The most puzzling thing happened. Stuart went into Carabetta’s office to tell Shauna that he’d pay his rent soon. She looked and acted funny and said, “And you’re with Jodi.”

Whatever the hell did she mean by that? Stuart and I wonder. Probably cuz we’re both so flaky.

Earlier, before going out with Stuart, I spoke with Mary again and still feel she’s not really going to be my type. She seems to have a negative attitude and is very down on herself at times. I don’t feel we have anything at all in common. She doesn’t really interest me. She believes there’s no such thing as a permanent relationship cuz people change so much and that the average relationship between two women only lasts two years. She doesn’t want to move in with anyone either, she says.

I swear I’ll never get the one I dream of. In reality, it seems like the perfect love with the right woman is just too much to ask for. It’s not fair.

I hope the next two I meet will turn out better.

I sensed from what Mary was saying that most people find her unattractive. Sure, if she’s overweight and wears glasses. I hate glasses.

Jessie says she’s gonna spy on me when I go up to Friendly’s to meet her. I asked her if she really wanted to go see what she looks like. Then I won’t feel so alone. She is gonna take me up there but we’re gonna walk in separately, then after a while, I’ll pretend to notice her all of a sudden. Hopefully, if I don’t come home with Mary, Jessie can take me home. It’ll be dark then.

Later...

I just had a very long interesting talk with Andy about the book Helter Skelter. He’s gonna lend me the book to read.

I forgot to mention earlier that when I was cutting through the driveway onto Oswego St. after seeing Dee, I almost got killed. This car which I never heard cuz it was on my deaf side came whizzing by me and just missed me only by inches with a cruiser chasing it. They went around the block, then in back of buildings 25 and 21 no doubt thinking they could get out, smashed into the dumpster and then abandoned the car. It was 3 young black, a guy and two girls. Then Mattie and I were on our way inside when we saw them hiding behind the bushes under Dotty’s window. Then they ran again. It was either a stolen car or drugs.

I’ve got to get the fuck out of this neighborhood and fast. This place is crazy. You never know if you’ll be alive the next day or if in the middle of the night the building will be set on fire.

Andy and I had a blast earlier tonight on the phone ranking on people, then I got really tired, but I want to just stay up and write. It totally cleanses my soul.

I just spoke to Andy a few minutes ago which I wanted to do before I continue writing. While on the phone with him I looked back into my other journals and read him about the day we were at the beach and also the day he taught me how to play La Isla Bonita but I have yet to find the day he taught me Talk To Me or the day we met up again which was downtown at the Sheridan where he still works. He now works at the Holiday Inn. He needed the extra money to support himself with his new apartment.

Later...

Can you believe that after all this time I still remember all my other phone numbers? I don’t think I’ll change it again when I move.

I’ve called my old numbers before to see if anyone’s called looking for me, and sometimes they have. The guy at my first number which was listed said a few people called looking for both me and Michelle L, the fucked-up roommate I had on Locust St.

I wonder just what kind of life good old Crystal C is leading now. Everyone who knows her knows what a loser she and her sweet old boyfriend are. They’re definitely meant for each other.

Also, Mary D is always gonna live a very lonely life with her usual slew of non-stop problems. She’s also going to get her ass severely kicked with the way she is. She’ll never have anyone decent any more than Crystal ever will.

Good old Nellie R is gonna no doubt spend most of her life in jail. I never met anyone so sick, cruel and cold-blooded, but it ended with her knowing just what I knew about her and thought about her, and God help any of these people if I catch them on the streets.

Oh, and don’t I remember that black bitch Barbara T so well? The user probably lives out on the streets or in someone’s cellar.

I spoke to Mom earlier and I pray to God she can help me out of here and into my old apartment by April which is when Russ says my place will be vacant again. She claims there are a few people interested in the house, but I know that it might take forever for that damn stupid house to sell. She also said they might not be coming home until the end of May, and of course, this year I’m not going to Florida. I give anything to stay alone at the beach, but of course not. I’m still a little girl, Tammy’s welcome, but not me. Not even if I was straight and married.

Later...

Last night I fell asleep between the hours of 4:00-5:00 only to wake up at 7:00 to go to the bathroom. I thought I’d never go back to sleep, but I was exhausted, so I forced myself, then I woke up again at 10:30 to someone’s pounding or hammering. I couldn’t tell if it was upstairs or downstairs.

Dotty said the Puerto Ricans upstairs moved out. I hope not cuz they were really nice and I’m worried as it is about who they’re gonna put downstairs in Hank’s old place, and as you know, Carabetta takes anybody. Yesterday morning, I thought I heard footsteps upstairs and was hoping the older couple, Emanuel and Iris, were still there and that it was only their daughter, son and grandson who moved out, but I don’t know. Time will tell. Their names are still on the mailbox. It sure would be quieter if the kids only moved out. They used to run back and forth up there constantly, although I shouldn’t talk. They’ve never once complained about me or my music.

I was surprised Linda never called me yesterday and I even left her a message. I really hope she’s not interested in me cuz I hardly ever see her although that may mean nothing, cuz Mary used to claim how much she was in love with me and wanted me though I only saw her once in a lifetime. But of course, it was the biggest favor she did for me. Linda’s so ugly, too. In a way, she reminds me of Mary.

Later...

I had a long conversation with Bruce today and he made me realize there’s so much more to learn on the piano. Scales, keys, chords and all kinds of things. I really want to go to school to learn but I’m so afraid of failing and I really want to graduate with honors.

He says part of making it as a singer is being attractive and that I am very attractive. When I told him why I wish I were ugly sometimes, he said my chances would be zero if I were. I reminded him of how fat actress Roseanne Barr is, and he said that she’s an actress acting in a role that’s suitable for a fat person. I also told him Ella Fitzgerald was fat and he said, “Look how old she is.” So, he definitely has somewhat of a point. You use your looks and image to sell yourself, as well as your talent.

I am not feeling all that great today cuz of the pork I ate last night. I obviously didn’t cook it well enough. I feel pretty lousy and I took my meds too but I’m glad I don’t need to take them every day. I can go a day or two without them. What I need to understand is that I’m not just going to be able to stop overnight. It’ll take time but, in the future, I’ll need them less and less.

So far today I’m having an excellent day. I got up at 8 AM and went grocery shopping and already I’ve eaten a fruit cup, a sandwich, some baked stuffed scallops and later I’m going to have a pork chop and something to go with it.

Today I received that application. Before I fill it out I want to speak to my mom. I left a message on her machine for her to call me back.

I doubt very much that I’ll be going to Florida this year. She said something about coming home early this year. Yeah, sure. They probably won’t be home till May.

Guess what? Pam called from the dating service. She says she has a potential referral for me and that she’s going to mail me the information either today or tomorrow. I’m so worried cuz of where I live and my not having a job cuz if she’s decent that’ll really turn her off. You know all my fears and doubts. I don’t have to write about them again. I just hope she’s attractive.

I miss my cat so much and truthfully haven’t improved much since she’s been gone. If I move to my old apartment, she’ll love it. Nervous is taking her to the vet today for her yearly booster and exam. I hope she’s ok. She should be.

Tammy didn’t call yesterday or today but I spoke to Andy last night and I saw his car at his place as I was on my way up to Food Mart.

Again Linda called yesterday saying she’d call me back about coming over, but she never did.

Today I got into an argument with Jessie about her being paranoid about her coming here and parking in the back here. Oh well, that’s her problem.

I was wicked pissed cuz yesterday I slept all day and never did my grocery shopping and today there are no buses. I could get stuff at the gas station but I have no money. It’s all in the bank.

Very early evening yesterday Linda called and I asked her to come over and she said she would and that she’d call me later. So, I finally woke up again around midnight realizing Linda never called or left a message on my machine, so I called Andy and asked him to bring me a pack of butts and to come over. He did, and we had a damn good time.

When he first came over, he was complaining that his stomach hurt him and I started playing the piano and he was saying how he always wanted someone to play for him when he feels lousy. So I began playing Just One Look and said it sucked, but when I finished, he got up, slowly walked over to me and said, “What do you mean it sucks? That was so good. You weren’t even looking at the music. You’ve improved so much. The pain is all gone.”

That made me feel so good to hear him say that. He’s the only one that really appreciates my music. I also sang for him and he said, “Yes, you’ve improved and maybe I should just stick to the piano and let you do the singing.”

I then told him how we should go out and make it together cuz of how close we are and cuz of how much he knows about the business and he says, “Just maybe we will.”

I’d hate to go off and try to make it alone without him who I trust and know so well.

I got a kick out of a couple of weeks ago when I put on my new 2-piece bathing suit to show him how much weight I’ve lost and he was surprised all right. I haven’t even needed to take my water pill for so long but I’m a little scared cuz it’s the time of year now that I lose weight and I surely can’t afford to lose anymore.

I finally have now learned Words Get in the Way by heart without looking at the music and it feels so damn good! I also began playing Blue Bayou. It’s fairly easy.

Today I’m hoping Linda calls. I just left a message for Nervous to call. Last night Tammy called at fucking 1:30. She’s damn lucky I was up. Andy talked to her for a few minutes.

Right now I’ve got to go check yesterday’s mail to see if that application from Russ came yet.

In an hour I’ve got to catch the Sumner Allen bus for my eye exam with Dr. Donatelli. I’ll bring my old glasses I never wear and explain my situation and hopefully get an answer. I really don’t want to have to wear glasses though, and I’m pretty sure most of my problem is due to the medication. I look hideous in glasses and it feels as awkward as if I had a brick sitting on my nose.

I hate this pen. When I go to Food Mart, I want to get some new pens. My printing is so much neater than my writing, but writing is so much quicker.

The night before last, I saw Andy’s new apartment just 5 minutes away. It’s not in the greatest condition, the hallways are filthy, but it’s a cute place, he’s psyched, so I’m happy for him.

Yesterday Nervous bought me the sheet music for Kokomo and Nadia’s Theme. Kokomo is fairly easy, but I can’t even begin for the life of me to figure out Nadia’s Theme.

Now, I’ve got some really shocking news. My last apartment that was big and really nice that I miss so much – well – I’m going back!!!! It’s not definite but I’m pretty sure. The guy that owns it now is Russell S. He’s mailing me an application. My place is to be vacant in April with a new bathroom and new paint job. I can’t wait. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. It’s really bringing me down to the pits. I spoke to Mom about it and she seems to be on my side saying I never should’ve left there. The rent’s $440, but who cares. It’s safe there and pretty compared to here, with no graffiti or trash all over. Safe to leave your door open. Of course, I hope I have nice neighbors and that no one complains about my music. Everyone that was there before is gone now except for Jo. She was the one who gave me Russ’s number.

Later...

I finally did all my laundry, thank God. I also spoke to Jessie who isn’t doing too much grocery shopping cuz she’s got bad cramps, so I’ll go myself up to Food Mart tomorrow and come back in a cab. The only bitch is that on Saturdays the place is mobbed.

I bought this pen I’m writing with now at Store 24 and I love its razor-fine point.

I called up at the Forest Park Grill. Nervo wasn’t there but I spoke to some woman named Helen who says Nervous had lunch with some sexy blond and that he went to her house. This definitely must be a hooker, if it’s even true. Could he really be getting it off with some hooker? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been so desperate and pushy.

No. No way. He’ll never get anyone with the way he is. Maybe a good screw every now and then from a hooker, if he has the money, but that’ll never stop him from spying on me or coming over for visits. I’m gonna mention it to him, but he might not say much about it. He’s so secretive. If he starts chuckling, then I’ll know for sure like he always does when I ask him something like that, although he may lie and say it’s a girlfriend.

Getting back to this girl Helen I spoke to, she says Nervo told him I sing and play guitar and piano and that she sang too, and asked for me to come in sometime. When I told her I was gay and why that was ok with me she said, “Really? Are you really gay? Wow, not too many people admit that.”

Later...

I feel so good today, as I recover from the flu. Spring is finally in the air. I had all my windows open and was wearing shorts and a tank top. Time really flies when you get older. It seems like just yesterday it was fall.

I will always prefer to be a night person, but I feel healthier when I sleep at night and get up in the daytime.

Later...

I still haven’t received that application in the mail. Oh well. Probably tomorrow.

I’m gonna be so bored for the rest of the day. Guess I’ll go to sleep early seeing I’ve been up since 3:30 this morning.

I wonder if Linda or Tammy will call later.

I sure as hell hope Nervous calls cuz I’m really curious about this sexy blond.

Later...

That fucking Bruce just called, telling me that I’m not good enough for someone decent and that my attitude sucks and that I should drop out of the dating service, but I know he’s just saying all this cuz he can’t have me. He even said he couldn’t handle being just my friend and that I need to change. I told him I’m just gonna be myself, not what anyone else wants me to be, and then he said, “Well, yourself sucks.”

He’s another Al. I mean, he is just like Al. I swear they could be brothers!

It’s not fair. I know I suck and am too intense as he says and this and that, but do I need to be reminded about it every time I talk to him? I hung up on him. I don’t need him.

It’s hard enough accepting the fact that I’ll always be alone, and I can and will in time, but do people have to constantly rub it in? Especially a fucking male? No way am I gonna let a male drag me down.

Right now I’m gonna have a cup of coffee and then go to sleep. I’ve been up so long.

I’m trying to go without the medication, but it is hard. I’ll just really have to convince myself to cope without drugs and that the drugs can’t solve my problems. They’re only fucking me up.

Like an idiot, I went over to this guy’s house two nights ago. I dialed him randomly. We got to talking and he seemed nice enough. Yet I found that he was tripping on coke when I went over to his guesthouse that was in back of his parent’s house in Agawam. I went by cab, which he paid for. Well, he tried to rape me, but I got out of it, which seems like quite a miracle to me. That’s because this guy has all the makings of a serial killer! He was this short, stout, hideously ugly creature that dove at me from the front, knocking me to the floor, after we’d been chatting at his kitchen table. I cried AIDS and it stopped him from getting in there, and he settled for a hand job. Anything to keep him out of me, though I didn’t really have to do much. Within seconds, the sicko came.

Put it this way, if I didn’t have the temper I’ve got, as well as the ability to act, I’d be dead, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The guy was a psycho and I’m lucky to be alive. He’s already paid his consequences, though, and this is just the beginning. The guy fucked with the wrong person.

This morning at 10:00, I’m supposed to be in court, but I’m still debating on whether or not to go. I highly doubt they’ll put a default warrant out for me cuz it’s only a show cause hearing and I quit calling the chick I was calling. How she trapped me so quickly beats the shit out of me.

The day before last Tammy came over at around noon and woke me up out of a sound sleep, and then that night Andy came over and cooked us a really nice dinner of pork chops, homemade mashed potatoes and corn. After we watched Unsolved Mysteries together and then we made some calls. It was funny cuz we were crossing people on the 3-way and looking up funny names in the phonebook.

Last night was both enjoyable and interesting. Bruce came over and he really is a sweet person and a fantastic guitar player! I mean he’s super. We both have the same desires and dreams. I sang for him and played guitar and keyboards for him and practiced all night long after he left and guess what?!?! I can play every note of Words Get in the Way. It’s such a good feeling! I tried playing Primitive Love but it’s gonna take time and so is 1-2-3. I’ll get it someday. I can play them, but just a wee bit too slow.

Before I go, I forgot to mention that I got a shit load of makeup by UPS today that I ordered last month. It’s excellent. This nighttime moisturizer repair I got really softens the skin on my face. It isn’t so tight, dry and flaky anymore. I got 3 lipsticks. My favorite one is sort of a shiny gold color. I got 5 eyeliners, nail polish, perfume, Intimate perfume body lotion, a nail file and cuticle pusher, 2 pencil sharpeners, concealing powder, foot bath, soap, aloe vera body lotion, a nail polish corrector pen and a 2-year calendar planner.

Today, whether I go to court or not, I do have quite a few things to do such as pay bills and make an appointment at HCC for help filing for aid and also, I want to get Linda’s music book I ordered. It has 159 pages so it must have an awful lot of songs in it.

Tomorrow I just may go to Friendly’s and apply there. It’d be more money and mostly under the table cuz of tips.

I just finished watching a scary movie and I’m now just about ready to drop off. I’m pretty zonked.

This afternoon I saw my allergy doctor and he gave me two inhalers for my asthma and one for my nose.

I am still wide awake and feeling pretty lousy. Earlier I got the urge to make my face up so I did. I took off my lipstick and blush but I still have my eyes all made up.

Linda never called. I wonder if she’s sick or something came up. I also wonder why I haven’t heard from Tammy in two days. I know it’s either shit from her mother, or she’s out with Will. Also, I haven’t spoken with Andy in two days. The only one I speak to every day is Jessie. We love to talk on the phone.

Well, I had a long talk with Nervous’s mother about him calling me and hanging up or just not saying anything and his spying. She says to take him to court if I have to. I now have absolutely no desire to see or talk to this sicko. It’s just gotten way out of hand to the point of no return and you just never know what a sicko like him is gonna do or what’s on his mind. Some friendship it’s been, huh?

I’m supposed to go to CC tomorrow for my intake, but they may be closed cuz we’re supposed to get a huge snowstorm.

This Saturday I’m supposed to return to Steiger’s, but I’ve got to think about it. Do I really want to?

Well, right now I’m a little depressed and lonely but I’m finally starting to get used to it and accept being alone. It’s always better than settling for second best.

I’m cooking some chicken rice right now, hoping Linda the cab driver calls.

I went out earlier to the Holyoke mall with Jessie. There, I bought both Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s cassette singles.

Surprisingly enough, but then again I guess it’s no real surprise, I haven’t heard from Tammy all day yesterday or today. She’s no doubt out with Will, says Jessie.

Ma called saying she bought me this beautiful dress and it’s a size 6! What is she, crazy? She doesn’t realize how much weight I’ve lost. She hasn’t seen me in a while. She says it’s a loose-knit dress with no zippers or buttons. She’s gonna mail it to me.

There’s this guy, Bruce Y, who I ran into downtown. I’ve run into him a few times. He’s going to Holyoke Community College for the two-year music program for an associate degree in music, which I’m also thinking of doing. He’s nice and he’s not ugly either, but he’s so dull and wimpy, and of course, he turns me on in no way shape or form. Even Jessie spoke to him using my 3-way calling and she agreed.

Bruce says he thinks I’m very attractive and sensitive and seems so amazingly respectful, saying I shouldn’t be with a guy if I’m not happy and would rather be with a woman. He says don’t do anything I don’t want to do that doesn’t feel right.

I was hoping Linda would call cuz I really do like her even though she’s no beauty, and I could really use a chat with her. She really understands being gay too. I wish she’d give me her phone number.

I called Pamela at my dating service and told her our mailboxes are broken and she said she’d give me a call before she mails out anything. I’m still so skeptical about it all, though. I still fear that my type of woman isn’t meant to be.

I finally got my guitar back, thank God. I got it on Andy’s birthday and rode with him in his new car. I bought Linda’s Mad Love music book and also a guinea pig, but I returned the pig. I just don’t want the hassles of changing the cage or buying bails of sawdust or the pellets anymore. Instead, I had Nervous, who’s acting really sick and always stinks and has this horrible body odor, bring Sasha back. I realize my allergies will be killing me but I love this cat to death and missed her terribly. I can’t live with no animals at all.

I saw Dr. Moshiri today at Osborne. He said I seemed much better and that all I’ve gone through has really had an impact on me but that I have amazing strength. He also agreed with me that one never forgets the past, though everyone keeps telling me to forget it. I wish I could!

I have taken half of a Deseril pill for 4 nights now and he says for me to continue that for a week or two and then take a whole one and at that point to stop the Navane.

Tammy called early this morning saying she was fed up with her mother and was leaving and we discussed her coming here but I haven’t heard from her since and she was supposed to call me early this afternoon. Tammy’s not the right person for me, though. She’s got too many problems and a lousy temper.

Sure enough, my case was dismissed. The pig never showed up. I asked my lawyer why, and he said cuz he’d make a complete fool out of himself. The law is that you have to prove one guilty even if they admit they’re guilty. When I told my lawyer I was arrested he was shocked and he agreed that just cuz they’re cops and they wear that badge they think they can do anything. Whether I pleaded guilty or not, he still can’t prove it was me.

I spoke with both Jessie and Stuart today, but not yet with Tammy. She’ll probably call me later. She probably tried to get me last night but I took my phone off the hook so I could go to bed early. Andy probably tried to get me last night, too. It’s Monday, so Ma’s gonna be calling tonight.

When Nervous calls later tonight I’m gonna ask him if he’ll rent a car and bring me back the aquarium I gave him, so I can have him take me to Brightwood in Longmeadow so I can get a pig. I miss having one. The only bitch is buying them food all the time and changing their cage, but it’s worth it. I need the company of a pet.

Today I feel pretty good for a change. Since I turned the heat lower I feel much better and less feverish. I’m gonna write and really practice my piano. My guitar is in the shop cuz it needed new strings and I’m pissed at Phil. He’ll never bring it back today and it’s been ready since Saturday. I’m dying to play.

Guess who I’ve been in contact with every day now on the phone? Jessica S! I went to middle school with her. She’s got a 9-month-old baby boy now named Wyatt Justin and he’s cute. Her adoptive father is Big Bird of Sesame Street. I called Jessie’s mom in Longmeadow and she told me Jessie lived in Feeding Hills so I got her number through information. And sure enough, the guy she was with took off when she got pregnant and does drugs and just wants sex. She understands me really well, though, and accepts me for the way I am and we’ve had a lot of nice talks. I even spent the night in her place and she told me it didn’t even seem like 10 years had gone by since we last saw each other and we are very close friends. She mentioned getting a place together, but I don’t know. I would definitely live with her, though, cuz I’ve known her so long and we get along so well and she’s no thief or druggie.

Later...

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to court. Lucky me. Nervous is going to wake me up. He was over here for the first time in a month and he also has a broken wrist. That’s what he gets for walking around at 2:00 in the morning buying a pack of cigarettes. He says a bunch of guys knocked him down.

I forgot to mention that last weekend I was at Tammy’s house. It was a very nice house. She still says she likes me and wants to have a relationship with me, but I still hardly ever see her. I spoke to both her and Jessie today.

I want to move so bad it isn’t funny. I’m so sick of this place, but who knows when I ever will? I also want a car at times, too.

Believe it or not, I found Jenine M’s number (she’s an entertainment agent) in an old pad of phone numbers and I called her and she did say she had tried to reach me after I changed my number and she said she’d call me either Mon. or Tues. I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high but I’m trying not to think negatively either. My voice is ok, of course, but what really brings it down is my stuffy nose and wheezing. I have finally made an appointment with my allergy doctor. I also think I may have somewhat of the flu now too, which is going around. I usually get it once a year at this time.

I’m so psyched about my piano playing. I’m getting better and better every day. I’ve learned Dr. Beat and Falling in Love and have learned much more of her other songs (Gloria’s) and also, I’m gonna work on some of Linda’s. I’ve learned some of the song Just One Look. I’d say it’s my timing that’s the hardest thing to conquer what with both the left and right hands together. Tomorrow I’m going to work on the song You Made a Fool of Me which I already have a basic idea of now.

All the songs Andy taught me are like a piece of cake now. I love to play Talk to Me most of all.

I just got finished spraying a spider with Raid but I should’ve just killed it with my broom cuz now it stinks in here. Oh well.

Tammy called me today at around 11:30, asking if I’d go with her to her doctor’s appointment and if I’d meet her at 2:00 outside the front of the Civic Center. Well, I stood her up cuz of the way she’s done it to me and for not returning my hairpiece. Also, I was very tired. She called me at 6:00 wanting to know why I wasn’t there. I told her I was sick and tired. She said she waited till 3:30. She told me she was going for her second pregnancy test and that they don’t know if she’s pregnant or not.

Philip took me to Store 24 at about noontime and I got just a few things cuz of the way I’ve been feeling. He’s supposed to call me this morning around 11:00.

I spoke to Nervous and this morning. I told him Philip was coming to take me to the airport and that I’d be gone to Florida for the rest of the month. I’m so sick of him and even talking on the phone to him cuz he really is a sick person. I usually only talk for two seconds then play my game of the crossed call that comes in and he listens and says all kinds of sick, nasty and hateful stuff. I used to find it funny, but now it’s gotten old.

Earlier this evening I was really depressed and I cried the last two nights in a row cuz I haven’t in so long. It takes a lot for me to cry and I usually keep it bottled up inside till it really catches up to me, but I know I must try really hard not to take the Navane unless I absolutely have to. You know, if I get so anxious that I can’t breathe. Crying, though, really did make me feel a lot better much quicker. What I need most of all is a woman. Yeah, sure.

On Showtime last weekend Gloria had a concert special taped in Miami. It was the last concert of her tour. It was great and she looked beautiful. She was also on the music awards too, where she won an award. She looked sexy as all hell and Andy taped it for me so I could see it again. As for Gloria’s concert, it will be on several more times this month and since I don’t have a VCR I’m just gonna tape it on my box.

I spoke to Tony on Monday and was about to tell him how I can’t be his girlfriend and the reasons why when he told me he’s not looking for that and that he was glad we got that out in the open. His basic reason for not wanting me is cuz I don’t have a job, and when I told him that I do have a job, he said, “You just got that job.”

He’s another one who can’t accept me for the way I am and it verifies my belief that I’ll never have anyone decent cuz I haven’t worked in so long. All I’ll get is a desperate mental case. Ma says when the right person comes along, I’ll know it, and I asked her if she thought I was only good enough for the jerks and not the decent people and she said no, that I could get someone decent. I told her it’s not going to be a man. She said that’s good. It’s like she’s happy about my being gay cuz she knows how men are and doesn’t want me getting pregnant.

Andy said that Tony’s excuse about my not working is really stupid and that most guys don’t want their girlfriends to work, cuz then they’re meeting other guys. They want them to stay home and cook and clean, but that’s basically only the assholes.

I’m sending my dating service a check for $80, so in 2 or 3 weeks I should be meeting someone. I’m so skeptical. I doubt any of these women will turn me on like Gloria, whether they’re decent or not.

I definitely cannot sit around all month waiting for work so maybe I’ll go apply at McDonald’s which sucks, but it pays a little more than $5 an hour and has better hours. I really think the first thing I need is that dream girl before I try to make it in music or a better job. Someone who believes in me. I can’t do everything alone. I need some support.

I haven’t heard from Tammy for two days. Guess I’m gonna have to get my hairpiece myself.

Earlier today I was depressed. I came down with the flu very early this morning and missed my second day of training, therefore I cannot work next week’s schedule which was Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. I now have to wait for the next training class which isn’t until February 25th cuz the girl who does the training is on vacation. I was there yesterday, though, and it seemed interesting and the people were very friendly, but it’ll probably get boring after a while as all cashier jobs do.

But anyhow, I am going to be so fucking bored till the 25th. I’ll go nuts. I called and asked Tony, this guy I met who’s really nice if he has any work I could do for him where he works. He says not really, but he’ll look into it. I’ve only seen this guy Tony only once in person and he seems like a really nice and mature guy but as usual, I have no attraction for him at all. I could never go to bed with him and I’m afraid of him falling in love with me and I really think that right now he really likes me a lot. What do I do? Well, I asked Andy who said to give him up cuz I’d rather be with a woman and cuz of there was no sexual attraction.

I haven’t heard from Tammy today and have a feeling I will never ever see my hairpiece again. The phone did ring, though, at 11:30 or so while I had the headphones on listening to music but by the time I picked up the phone the machine came on and they hung up. It was probably either Tammy or Andy.

I have really decided for once in for all to quit smoking. I know I’ve said that before but I’m fucking dying. I can’t breathe and thinking of all the money I’d save and how much better I’d sing really encourages me. I’d save so much time too. Time I spend looking for a light or buying lighters and the ciggies. There are plenty of things I could do if I quit such as write, read, watch TV and of course I’ll be working soon so it’s definitely wise to quit before work. It’ll make it easier. I hear I’d be a lot calmer too. The only thing that scares me is getting fat but maybe I won’t. I don’t want to write any more about it. It’s just best to keep it off my mind as much as possible.

Later...

I think I’ll stay up all day so I can put myself on a normal schedule cuz I start work this Friday. Friday and Saturday I have my training, then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have regular work. I need to bring with me the envelope handbook, my license, and social security card. I can’t wait. I need a job so badly and also the extra money and something to do.

Today I’ve got to call Cablevision to cancel my HBO and order Showtime so I can see Gloria’s concert. That way Andy won’t have to tape it. Also, the Grammys will be on soon. I know Gloria will win something.

This month I can probably finish paying my dating service, although I am scared shitless, so afraid they’ll be ugly and not interested in me if they aren’t ugly or aren’t jerks.

Today I also need to go to Food Mart quite badly. Or somewhere. I’ve got no food. I hate grocery shopping so much it isn’t funny.

Hopefully, I can catch Nervous at the Forest Park Grill when he gets in for his breakfast.

Another thing is that I need new guitar strings. I’ll have to have Phil take me.

Later...

Mary just had a baby girl and I am so jealous and it kills me to think I’ll never have kids cuz I’m gay and have no money, but how do all these other people do it? The last thing I want is a male to have to count on to help me. I don’t want to do it with a male but I don’t want to do it alone either. Also, my parents would disown me. I’d constantly be tied down with it, too. If I ever get money by singing or whatever then maybe then I could do it, but then I’d have to give up my career for a while and I still don’t plan on ever having a woman by my side forever.

Later...

I was so lonely and so bored tonight it wasn’t funny. Emily says I really ought to try my dating service and give it a chance. I still feel I’ll never get anyone with the way I am. Emily says I’m very pretty and that my eyes are very striking. It’s my shape, though. I mean, I just look totally ridiculous. My hips are so huge and so are my thighs. I just can’t seem to change my shape. I’ve got such a gut. Will I look like a fool in my new bathing suits? Al said I have a lousy shape and I’m so afraid to let a woman see me. Emily says I look about 80 or 85 pounds, but I think I look 110. I’m really 100, and can you imagine looking hideous at 100? I do, though!

I spoke to Tammy who once again said she was bored and wanted to come visit. She never showed up, as usual, saying her mother wanted her to stay home. But she’s an adult, for Christ’s sake!

She also says she thinks she’s pregnant again and is so confused with so many questions without any answers. I told her she’s really fucking herself up by living with her mother, getting pregnant too young and being involved with guys. She’s not my type, although we do have so much in common. But I’m not gonna be roommates with her cuz of all her problems.

Well, quite a few things have happened since I last wrote about 14 days ago. I never got the job at the clothing store or the Sheridan Tara and am not gonna waste my time trying to get a hold of Nissa which I can never do. However, I did get hired at Steiger’s clothing store! Yes, I did and I’m psyched! Only Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, though, from 10:00 - 5:30, and just $4.60 an hour. The pay’s not great.

They have beautiful stuff there too, in which I get 20% off. I already bought a necklace as for this job, you must dress up nicely.

Part-time is ok cuz it still leaves me two free weekdays for appointments. They may call me in on my day off if they need extra help.

The day before yesterday, my niece Lisa turned 6. I spoke with her yesterday and she told me she can’t wait till she gets older so we can sing together. That was so sweet and it really touched my heart, but I’m wondering if Tammy said anything to her cuz a 6-year-old isn’t smart enough to say or remember that I sing. The only time I sang was last Turkey Day over at the house in Longmeadow.

And also, here’s another thing concerning my singing. Tammy says she doesn’t mean to hurt me when she gives me an opinion and she said to me, “I’ll give you an example, but I don’t mean it. Suppose I say your singing sucks, well it’s just my opinion that’s not meant to hurt you.”

See, I caught that line, “I don’t mean it.”

Later...

Today I got a huge package in the mail from Mom and Dad. It had so much stuff. Several shorts, shirts, skirts, socks, underpants and 3 2-piece bathing suits and also earrings, bracelets, necklaces, a watch with a spider inside it, a pocketbook, flip-flops for the beach, a beach bag and tanning oil.

It makes me really want to move down to Florida, get a job and a nice apartment in a nice area and tan and swim all the time. I am getting quite sick of being white as a ghost anyhow.

Tammy hasn’t called at all yet today and I realize I didn’t write about her last night.

I dialed randomly looking for someone to talk to and got this 19-year-old girl named Tammy on the line who has a 15-month-old daughter whose father took off when she became pregnant, and I said to Tammy, “If you were smart you’d go with a woman cuz males will only screw you up and over.”

That’s when I expected her to slam the phone down in my face, but instead, she said, “You know, I really thought about that.”

So we hit it off really well and spoke for two hours, discovered we had everything in common and that she sang with a band. She played me a tape of her singing and she is truly excellent.

The next day she came over and I thought she was very pretty and also very tall and that she looks a lot like Tiffany.

Like a fool, I even let her borrow my hairpiece.

Then she seemed to want to talk less and less, always saying she’d come over, but never showing up, so I guess she just isn’t my type.

Her mother is a real wacko who treats her like a prisoner. She’s an alcoholic. Andy called her up, calling her all kinds of names.

Well, Tammy didn’t like that and called me up saying she was gonna destroy me and kick my ass, then called me and apologized the next day saying she realizes how small I am and that she just blew up cuz of her mother pressuring her and jumping down her throat and that she really loves me and wants to be friends with me.

I told Tammy I’d never live with her cuz of her temper and her family problems and the people she associates with, and I have a feeling that I’ll never see her again or my hairpiece.

See what I mean? Assholes are all I ever meet.

I was up early this morning which I’ve been doing for the last week or so.

I called this woman’s clothing store in Bay State West and set up an interview for this Wednesday. The hours are flexible and it’ll work out great if I could work there. It’s so easy to get to, too. They’re hiring part- and full-time. It would be nice to work full-time with 4 weekdays and also Saturdays. To leave one weekday open would be good for therapy and doctor’s appointments.

I have an appointment for an intake at Community Care on January 20th at 11:30. Hopefully, I can get a female therapist, who I can see the same day I see the doctor.

February 13th and March 3rd I have to go to court.

Later...

The exterminator was just here and I hate to think of having to put everything back in the cabinets.

I’m gonna call the PVTA’s break room and attempt to speak to Nissa, but she’ll probably cuss me out and hang up on me.

It was this day last year when I flew back from Florida. Crystal lived here at the time, too. I don’t think I’m going to Florida this year until March. That is if I’m not working.

It’s been really cold lately at 0º. And we’ve still got another 4 months or so to go of this cold.

Today I think I’m gonna do my laundry, and sometime next week, I’m gonna go down to the courthouse and try to find out who’s putting another complaint against me for phone calls. It’s a name I don’t recognize for March 3rd, but it’s only a hearing so I probably won’t even show up.

Yesterday I went to bed around 2:00 in the afternoon and didn’t get up till 6:30 this morning. Thank God my phone didn’t ring, but I sure as hell bolted out of bed at 2:30 in the morning when the big huge picture in my kitchen fell and broke. There was glass everywhere.

Sure enough yesterday, fate was against me when I ran into Nervous on my way out of Saratoga drugstore. I tried to ignore him and told him I was sick which I was but he followed me across the street to the gas station where I got a grinder and he waited all the while staring at me. Then when I left, sure enough, he started to follow me down onto Montpelier and I told him to go home and call me tomorrow and he goes, “ok, I’ll call you later today then.” Then the obsessed little boy walked past me down Montpelier as I turned to cut through to Oswego St. The desperate bastard walked away shaking like a leaf at the thought of not getting any attention. When is he ever gonna get the hint? Next time I’ll kill him. He’s constantly begging to be my friend and the fucking male tried to bribe me by saying he hasn’t sent in my music book subscription yet, cuz he wants constant attention. I told him he was not my type and why and that if he’s that desperate to go find someone else who’s just as desperate.

Fran’s here now and he’s sound asleep. We went to the fireworks tonight and we tried to get home in time for the ball to drop but got here too late.

Tuesday, I’m gonna go apply for a job downtown at Steiger’s where Emily works.

Emily also said she’d help me pick out a 2-piece bathing suit for Florida saying I’m not too fat for one. Dad also said I’m not too fat for one, but Andy says I am. I guess it depends on the style and cut of the suit, but I do want to lose more weight. I’m still heavy at 96 pounds. Can you believe it? Everyone says I’m not, though, except for Andy.