I had Tom delete the voice recognition program. It was fun to play around with it just to do something different, but it was hit or miss. I used it for part of Mary’s letter, leaving in all its mistakes just so Mary could have a good laugh. I said, “If Teddy Bear gets in trouble for my letter, I don’t give a shit,” but it came out as “I don’t give a share.” This is true, too. I mean, perhaps there’d be a little guilt, but not much. It takes an awful lot to win me as a friend or more, but only a second to lose me. After the shit she’s pulled and the emotional pain I suffered on account of her, it’s just like with my family; I no longer care either way what happens to her. If my letter happens to get her fired, although I doubt it will, so be it. Just like I’d tell the blacks who claimed that my complaints got them evicted; they all should’ve thought about the possible consequences of their actions before they acted.

We talked about it, and as soon as the money’s available, we’re going to get me a twin-size waterbed, since waterbeds are my favorite, and this air mattress really sucks with its worn-out foam at the sides. Then, we’ll roll Tom’s plain double bed into the master bedroom. Both beds will fit side by side in that room easily enough. Lastly, we’ll roll the old airbed into the guest room.

Tom knows and understands that it’s not going to be so easy for me to adapt to someone else sleeping in the same room, as light of a sleeper as I am. Especially when I’m not forced to do so. In jail, it was different as I had no choice, thanks to the blacks who put me there. If only he didn’t snore so much, it’d be a lot easier. But because of that, if I’ve got an important appointment coming up or am overtired, he’ll have to sleep in the guest room. I’m not overly thrilled at the idea of doing this simply because I like my space and to sleep alone and that’s what I’m used to, light sleeper or not, but because I love him, I want to give it a try. It’s not like I’m locked into anything. If I want to be alone, I can always ask him to sleep in the guest room.

Surprisingly, I woke up at 126 lbs.

Another suspicion this thing with Johnson confirms is my belief that yes, she’d have gone further if given the time and opportunity. Had I been there just a little longer, I’m virtually certain she’d have made a move on me, if only just to kiss me. Just not with Misha around. No, she’d prefer to kiss someone in front of 130 others, not just one facing the wall with a blanket over her head.

I’m not going to lie, though. I still sometimes see her in my mind’s eye and long for her, wishing she’d kept her word about seeing me and not turned out to be like a typical male who’s got to play the field.

Kelly hasn’t picked up the postcard I sent which means she probably hasn’t gotten my response to her email either, which means that she might not like me that much after all. She may still consider me to be one of her nice-looking patients, but I know that if I liked someone, I’d check my mail more often. So, that answers my question about her, you could say.

I started my Kate story. To keep it geared more towards fantasy, I’ve omitted Tom altogether, but I kept Mary in the picture so she could watch my apartment while I’m in this hotel-like jail.

Stories are fun, because, unlike with real life where you pretty much go with the flow, you’re in the driver’s seat in the story. You control its destiny.

I did my jogging earlier. I figured low-impact jogging to about 5 songs a day would be sufficient to keep any weight off that I’ve lost and may continue to lose. Later I’ll do some exercises, particularly my abs.

Tom loaded some voice recognition software for me to use. It isn’t perfect, but it is nice to have anyway. I have to speak my punctuation so it knows where to put it. It puts two spaces between sentences. Now I will go do some of Mary’s drafts and see if it helps with that by making it go faster.

It’s warmed up a bit out there since the heat never went on last night. The morning’s fog was like – wow! I looked outside at 8 AM, an hour before I went to bed, and could barely see Meadow Green or even Ralston. When I looked in back, the middle rental was barely visible and the furthest one was completely invisible.

I received an order confirmation from the site where I ordered the nudes. Both dolls will come to $67 with shipping and handling included. Not bad for top-of-the-line fashion dolls such as Alex and Eve. She says she plans to ship on Wednesday and will email to confirm it. They’ll be shipped by priority mail which is way more reliable, but as fate would have it, they’ll probably arrive Saturday which means I’ll have to wait till Monday to get them. How I wish we had mail service out here! You’d think we’re getting closer with the way it’s building up out here.

This coming week we’re also expecting the cylinder and a toolkit via UPS that Tom got with bonus points from work. Last time around he chose one of their yearly planners.

At some point over the next few days, he’ll be installing a voice recognition program on my PC. Because my PC’s faster now, it may work well enough and make doing Mary’s drafts even faster till the thing breaks. Especially when I have so much stuff. I got a good chunk of it done yesterday, though, and currently have about 30 more pages to go. Once that’s done I’ll get on with a project that both Mary and a dream inspired me to do. I’m going to write the book that Andy and I talked about because I know it can’t possibly be jinxed into coming true what with all I know today about our corrupt laws. I know too much now to be tricked and manipulated like I was before.

It’ll be part reality, but mostly fantasy, and no, Johnson won’t be my costar. I decided on Kate Jackson as my object of lust and ultimately love. The jail we’ll meet in will be totally unlike any jail that could exist in reality. For the most part, anyway. It’ll be based on the one I saw in my dream.

Anyway, it’s nice to know we can afford all this stuff we got, but I’m a little overwhelmed right now as I feel like I have so much to learn! First about the TV/computer setup, then maybe, just maybe, dollmaking. I’ll probably end up learning more this year than in the last 5 combined. Only difference is, instead of learning about corrupt laws and how to trim my bangs with nail clippers, I’ll be learning more technology-related stuff.

Later…

Well, that explains why I thought the Alex doll I’m getting looked a little different than the other Alex dolls. It’s not Alex. It’s her friend Paris.

Got another few pages of drafts from Mary, but no bear additions. I’m way behind on her stuff cuz of all the other things I’ve been doing, and yesterday was spent mostly writing up the bear.

Earlier Tom and I ordered the Alex and Eve nude fashion dolls. Now all we have to do is hope we don’t get ripped off. If they ship them Tuesday, though I’m sure there’ll be some problem/delay, I should have them Friday.

Tom also moved my music folder to the D drive, so now I use the C drive for text and graphics and the D drive for music. A, of course, is my floppy drive and E is the CD player/burner.

Tom and I both agree the one thing we don’t like as much about the new computers is that their fans are louder. However, it helps to curb problems that could occur, even if our stuff likes to break anyway.

In case I didn’t already mention it, Tom sent me a really cute animated Valentine’s card with cat pictures. I emailed him a card too, though it wasn’t animated. It was a polar bear with a rose in its mouth.

Tom says that by the end of the weekend, the new TV setup is going to be easy. He said something about setting it up to change channels with the satellite and doing all the changes on the computer. Whatever, I told him. As long as it’s not going to take me a year to learn to record/edit things, though I’m going to do the editing from my computer.

Right now he’s working on the pedals. He said it was just a matter of throwing some epoxy on the piece that broke inside. He thinks one of the pulleys that drives one of the belts is what broke.

Before I get into the main highlights of Mary’s mail, she asked if I heard or seen on the news how Justin claimed he was hypnotized. No, but I’m sure I’ll hear all about it in her drafts. That’s a good one, too. What will the sick fuck think of next? Will he claim he was abducted by aliens that forced him to kill Gretchen?

She says she’s to attend court on the 28th, then leave for Florida the first week of March, but I’m sure there’ll be some new delay to add to the already very long list.

Anyway, Mary’s confirmed my top suspicion about Teddy Bear. She’s been quite a little slut, actually. She wrote: Teddy Bear news flash: She was moved to Madison because there were too many rumors that she flirts, among other things, with girls in the large dorms. At Madison, Teddy Bear gets mail all the time from girls. The sergeants constantly question her, but her exact words are, “I don’t know why inmates write me.” So Jodi, my opinion is she’s just as fucked up as Todd. Excuse my language, but these things piss me off. Anyway, that’s all I know about her, but it was enough to make my ears red. Your name, by the way, never came up.

I don’t care if my name came up. Mary can shout to the whole damn jail that she led me on and dropped me like a hot potato. I just don’t care anymore who knows what. I’ve done nothing wrong, nor do I bear any shame or guilt. I have no pity for TB and have lost all respect and admiration I once felt for her.

As I told her, if she hasn’t given anyone my old letter to give to Teddy Bear, don’t. Just ditch it, cuz I plan on contacting her directly which I’ll get into later.

I expressed my gratitude and love for her, for if not for her I’d still be asking myself the same questions today. Perhaps God’s answered more prayers of mine than I’ve given him credit for. After all, I wanted answers and now I have them, even if they’re almost a year late. That’s okay, though, as I didn’t think I’d ever get them at all. Better late than never.

I do have some questions for her, though. First question, who’s she getting her info from? Is it Chavez? Don’t answer any questions you don’t feel like answering while you’re still there, I told her, though I don’t see how anyone could know anything she tells me. My second question is, if she was transferred around Oct. of ‘01, then why is she still being investigated? Thirdly, she said she was flirting, “among other things.” What are the other things?

Her letter brought a slew of emotions, that’s for sure. Naturally, I was hurt. I was also pissed, feeling like the “woman scorned.” And I even found some humor in this pitiful excuse of an officer. Today’s Valentine’s Day. Think the happy little slut got all kinds of valentines in the mail? Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, I’ll bet you did, big girl.

I even sent Tom a Webshots postcard of a pig and wrote: A pig is a pig is a pig… they’re all shit!

I laughed, I cried, and I cussed her out royally! Felt so good to do so, too!

The part that burned me up the most was where she supposedly said she doesn’t know why inmates write her. She doesn’t know? She doesn’t know! My ass she doesn’t know! Well, come 8½ months from now (257 days) I shall personally refresh her memory and let her know that perhaps they write her cuz she leads them on and even tells them they can do so. I’ll remind her about the mice she wanted bred for her, the things we said we’d do, etc., and I promised Mary she’d get her very own copy and that I’ll never mention hers or any other DO’s name.

What’s scary is how wrong I was about her. You think you know someone – then – surprise, surprise. Normally, I’m an excellent judge of character. Give me a dozen people and I’ll have their overall personality figured out in a matter of minutes and I’ll only be wrong on one or two of them.

She didn’t blow me off cuz she loved me too much to see me with a man at my side. Nor did she meet anyone else (at least I doubt she did). She blew me off cuz she wanted to continue right on playing the field. She’s probably never involved in a serious relationship. She’s too much of a “typical male.” Just a man in a woman’s body. Why get serious when she knows she can have a huge variety at her fingertips? At least she could for a while there. How could I have been so stupid as far as she’s concerned? She is as fucked up as Todd.

Now I know why she told me to wait a year before sending the letter. As soon as she told me this, it just sounded rather off to me. I asked myself why hadn’t I heard of any such policy (which I’m sure never existed) and why would she wait a year if she really liked me. I mean, how was the jail going to know we were seeing each other? The real reason she told me to wait was that she knew she was going to blow me off and she was hoping that I’d forget about her by then.

I don’t regret the good times we had together, but damn that girl! The only sincere thing about her was her attraction to me (people don’t normally flirt with those they’re not attracted to), but as soon as that cell door clanged shut and she went home for the night, my feelings for her lived on while I ceased to exist in her mind. No, she was no doubt thinking of all the other girls she could play with when she wasn’t in M Dorm. She probably had a designated pet in each dorm/tower. What I don’t get is why she was hesitant to talk to me with Misha around, just one person but ok with flirting in a dorm filled with 130 women? That’s dumb. Incredibly dumb! I thought I was her special one when in fact I was merely her M Dorm specialty.

I decided to tell Mary about the surprise I added to her Moon/Venus sexual saga and enclosed it in my letter to her. I took it out of her story (it’s her story anyway) and pasted it in here. It’s still cleverly written despite the asshole we know the whore is. Hell, I’d still be turned on, no doubt, if she were to walk by me, particularly in uniform. I’d just know not to buy anything she’d say like I should’ve known better in the first place. Since when have I ever been able to trust anyone in law enforcement anyway? Pérez is probably the only kosher one there. So many damn corruptomaniacs in that field!

And I referred to her as Phoenix’s Finest? Oh, please! And I thought she was oh so “professional?” What kind of professional does what she did to me and no doubt to many others? Yeah, she’s some pro, huh?

Speaking of Phoenix’s Finest, you know, I think I might’ve referred to her as that in my letter to her. I always did wonder if my letter may’ve sparked the interest of others, making them wonder just went on between us, and now I see that it undoubtedly did! It’s kind of a funny thought, though. That sergeant must’ve really been like, “Why is this person talking about you visiting and breeding your favorite mice? Hell, she’s even got 32 mice for you to choose from! Just what did you say to her?”

I always suspected, and I know I’ve written this, that she may’ve had a long trail of happy admirers. Again, this is every gay/bi woman’s dream woman. Perhaps they should have a special bin set up at Madison just for her little followers saying: Johnson fan mail goes here. Either way, I got new names for her as far as our little name-guessing game was concerned and they don’t begin with an R!

You know, I wonder if anyone who opened my mail to Mary might’ve spotted anything I wrote about her that was brought to attention, not that I care if they did. Or maybe not, since I almost always refer to her as Teddy Bear.

I’ve always wanted her to know just how much she hurt me. Maybe even more than I wanted to know why she blew me off. So, I decided to hell with this Jodi-cannot-speak-her-mind-or-fight-back trip. From now on I’m going to take a stand for myself, fight for what’s right, and speak my mind as often as I need to. Naturally, there’ll be no swears or threats. It’s like with Tom and the way he bitched to the bank. He didn’t expect it to change anything (although it did for the better), but he wanted to let them know he was fed up, not going to take any more, and basically expose them for what they are. Well, that’s what I intend to do with TB, but not until after my probation ends. So Teddy Bear will be in for a trick rather than a treat come Halloween. If I can wait a year to send the first letter, I can wait 8½ to send the second and last letter. I’m virtually certain nothing could happen to me if I sent the letter on or off probation, but I’m going to wait anyway, assuming she’s still an officer, which I think she will be. They may warn them, transfer them, whatever, but they all protect their own. Nonetheless, she’s a marked officer, so to speak. Her superiors are well aware of her behavior, so I don’t see how I could get in trouble for giving her a piece of my mind. If, on the other hand, I accused the cheeks of some kind of no-no, a guy sporting a PO of the Year award who probably doesn’t have these rumors and fan mail hanging over his head, no one would believe me.

I’ve thought it through and made up my mind that I need to do this. I feel I owe it to myself. I never got to have any say with all the other shit I’ve been through over the last few years, and now it’s my turn to speak out. I don’t want to “get her,” which I’ll let her know, and I don’t want to see her get in any trouble, but I do intend to let her know that I was a human being she played with, not a toy. She needs a little lecture on her poor conduct from one of her vics and not just sergeants.

I asked myself, could she come after me? I highly doubt it. I mean, they could push for a probation extension just for the hell of it, but I highly doubt that, too. Coming and either beating me up or doing something to the house is a far cry from leading me on, then ignoring me as if I never existed. It’s a pig I’ll be talking back to, but I honestly can’t see it coming back to harm me in any way. We’re both the same color and this is a totally different situation than that of the blacks and their shit. I told Tom what I planned to do and he didn’t object, and if anyone would’ve objected if he were that worried, it’d be him. He’s usually more cautious/paranoid than I am, and I don’t trust nothing or nobody! Besides, if any harm did come to me, the people at the jail would know exactly who to pick up.

First I was hurt over what she did to me, but now I’m angry, especially after learning for sure that there are other victims of her games, which in a sense, is what’s inspiring me to “go forward,” so to speak. Like a rape victim who keeps silent till others come forward, I shall let her know (which will also be letting the sergeants know) that I hope she thinks about what she’s done and not make the same mistakes in the future. Of course, I won’t name names, like Mary’s. Nor will I tell her stuff like how Palma and Pérez liked me too, but never led me on like she did. I also won’t tell her that if I was called upon to testify as to what she’s all about, I will, even if I’d rather not. I’m also considering sending two copies as I want to ensure that both the sergeant and Teddy Bear – no Johnson – read just what I’ve got to say, and hopefully, the sergeant will put a copy in her file.

It’s hard to believe the bear was moved on just rumors alone if that’s really the case. Makes me wonder if perhaps one of the ladies in the dorm was a little piggy herself. Whether or not it’s done in a manipulative way or not, you need proof. I wouldn’t want to, but I couldn’t, for ex., take her to court for playing with my head like she did. I have no proof and it’s not like she could be charged with felony head games. All she has to do is play dumb like it appears she’s been doing. Selective amnesia is easy and convenient. Thinking some more about it, I’m not worried about the Halloween letter. True, one can’t always know how others are going to react to the things we say/do, but I’ve come to realize with time that we can’t spend our lives worrying too much about the ‘what ifs’ or else we’ll never do/accomplish anything. All we can do is use our best judgment and try not to do anything too stupid.

She ought to break the law, get caught, and be thrown in jail. That way she could have all the women she wants.

Another thing is that I had said she wasn’t responsible for anyone writing to her, but in a sense she is responsible.

I am now just so glad that married or not, we never did meet after all. Boy, do I take back saying that if Tom and I hadn’t been destined to meet, I’d hope she and I would. I mean, what would be the point? She’d only have been whoring around on the side.

Later…

The tan frog is much bigger than the other two brown ones, for some reason. They all hang out in the open more, but they don’t swim around.

Because I woke up a couple of hours too early, for no apparent reason, I’m kind of beat today. Tom said he was surprised the loud fighter jets that flew low over the house didn’t wake me up a few hours before I got up. Maybe because I’m sleeping with the fan on higher, that’s what saved me. If there isn’t music, there’s thunder, hunters, dogs, ATVs, and sonic booms.

In fact, I’m too tired to write any more at the moment. I’ll be back later.

I am so fucking pissed right now! Now my pedals are broken, too! Everything of ours just has to break. Everything! It never fucking ends. I told him not to bother sending them back for a new one cuz that would just break, too.

“You gonna just throw the money away?” he asked.

Yup. That’s all we ever do anyway is lose money, so why not? And I’m not getting an 80-pound kiln for hundreds of dollars that’s just going to break, too. I’ll save up and buy the dolls I want outright. The fewer mechanical things I have to depend on, the better. I’m going to go back to jogging. If God wants to stop me from this too, then he’s going to have to break me. I’m just so fucking sick of this shit, though. This is not normal. No one’s shit breaks like ours.

Mary’s torturing me by keeping me in suspense about Teddy Bear. She never mentioned a word about her in her letter. All she said was to let her know if I heard anything about Monster and about her new lipstick. I wish she’d give me what she has so far, then, later on, she can add to it as she learns more. I wanna know something!

Later…

I’m still utterly furious about the broken pedals. I know something’s cursing our stuff and I just wish it would leave us alone!

I sent Kelly a postcard from Webshots, letting her know how she can do this too, if she wants, without being a member. Still haven’t heard back from her.

One of the nude dolls on sale that I want to get this week went up $5 when it was moved to a different section of the site. I emailed them asking why, and if the dolls I want are poseable (I think they are, though), but most people don’t respond to their email, we’ll see.

It’s been a very rainy day. It was the darkest 3 PM I’d ever seen! Like 7:30 in the morning. Thunder woke me up a couple of hours before I’d have liked to have gotten up. I’ve got to start sleeping with the fan on high regularly. It’s just that I haven’t wanted to. Especially at this time of year, so maybe I’ll just let myself get woken up periodically. It’s not like it happens every day. I’ll just sleep with it on high till the weather clears up.

It was really cool to look out back and see the mountaintops sticking up through the clouds.

I’m working on a “visualization” thing for Mary that I assume she got from some psychology book. Again, I agree with some of the ideas/beliefs it mentions and some I don’t. They talk about clearing your mind and thinking of absolutely nothing for a short period of time, but to me, that’d be like trying to breathe under water. I couldn’t blank my mind for even a second!

I can totally relate to the “movies of the mind” it talks about. I play movies in my mind all the time. Most of them are rather X-rated, but I’m really damn good at mind movies, nonetheless.

I don’t believe, however, that these movies can influence the outcome of things. I believe God’s written our scripts from start to finish and that most things are a matter of fate and not what we want, think or do. In other words, why should I bother to pray to live if some psycho suddenly pointed a gun at me? God’s already made up his mind to do whatever it is he’s going to do and no amount of prayer would change destiny. If it were my time to go, he wouldn’t listen to a thing I had to say anyway.

I also see nothing wrong with placing blame either ourselves or on those who’ve wronged us, so long as it’s truly deserved.

To say that the events in our lives are a direct result of our inner images; come on, that’s ridiculous. No one sits and envisions themselves having lives filled with emotional and physical abuse and all kinds of other hardships, so to say that they made their lives that way by thinking and picturing it is insane. Did Mary cause her daughter’s death by imagining it happening? Of course not! Can I close my eyes, picture myself rich and thin and become that? No, of course not. My body and my life belong to God.

I can see how a lot of people would want to believe we have more control over our lives than we really do, though. I mean, I talk of how thinking about writing the book about the framed girl in jail who falls in love with her gay guard jinxing it to happen for real, and maybe it did, since I certainly can’t say that nothing we ever think or do affects our experiences.

So, to answer Mary’s question about what I think about the subject, no, I don’t buy most of it, but it makes for interesting reading. I’m always open to other ideas/beliefs/opinions, even if I may not always agree with them.

I do agree with the part that says it’s okay to think of ourselves. It talks about how so many people think that sacrificing our happiness for others is the way to go, and sometimes it is, but I agree with them when they say that the more we’re satisfied, the better company we can be towards others, but when we’re miserable, that tends to rub off on others. Perhaps this is why I could only attract people like Ron, Nervous, Fran, Brenda and Andy in the past, and not the Toms, Marys, Kellys, Pérez’s, and Teddy Bears, even if one of them blew me off in the end.

Some people might say my reasons for not wanting a child (not wanting the expense and responsibility and wanting to be able to have a life) are selfish of me but is it? I think it’s the other way around and that it’d be selfish of me to have a kid due to how I feel. I don’t think that’d be fair to the kid; to have it when my heart wasn’t in it. There are enough unwanted kids in this world as it is. In the end, though, as is always the case with me, it doesn’t matter what I want as God wouldn’t allow it anyway.

I think that it’s hard for most people to accept grim facts and that they want to do everything they can to believe that things are better than they actually are, even if part of that means believing they’ve got more say in their lives than they might really have. Me? It was harder for me to admit and address harsh facts when I was younger, but nowadays, I figure I might as well. There’s no sense in denying what appears obvious enough at least to me.

On the other hand, God doesn’t treat us equally. Perhaps Joe Shmoe up the road has more say in his life than I do, and perhaps Jane Doe down the road has less.

Partly due to Mary’s inspiration, and partly just because, I may get into writing some colorful X-rated stories of my own, but my fantasies may be more reality-based. Who knows, maybe I’ll write the book that may’ve jinxed me as I doubt it’ll jinx me twice if it ever really did once. I know things about the law now that I didn’t know before. No one’s ever going to be able to back me into a corner and get me into the position they got me in before, and no stranger, who doesn’t know me from shit, and who never was a firsthand witness to any events in my life, is ever going to don a black robe and sit in judgment of me again.

Tom was on the phone with the bank today. He’s fed up with all this overtime they’re stiffing him on, and I’m like, you finally put your foot down about that? Why does it take him so long to put his foot down when it comes to the bank ripping him off, or his mom using and ripping him off?

I swear God would just love us to death if we took a few hundred bucks each month and randomly left it on people’s doorsteps.

I still wish I could make dolls! Not to join the ranks of modern working women who get bashed for not working (Women will always be bashed for something. If not work, something else), but because I want to. Once again, though, God wants me working for others and not myself, which means he’d only throw all kinds of obstacles in my way. I’d only be buying a kiln that if it didn’t arrive broken, would only end up breaking a month or two later.

Meanwhile, I’ll start jogging tomorrow. I hate jogging, though, and it’s not good exercise at all. It’s too much of a kick to the heart and jarring to the knees and ankles.

Another thing I have to do is change my menu. I know everyone’s different, but eating small amounts 4-6 times a day is a killer for me. I’m starving all the time because I can’t fill up. After eating, I feel like I didn’t eat at all. No diet, whether it’s a diet to lose or maintain weight, is easy, but this is way harder on me. I’m going back to the one-large-meal, plus-two-snacks-a-day routine. I need to stuff myself at least once a day and have some sugar once a week, too. I’ll basically just live on chicken, fish, beef and popcorn, my favorite snack. Once a week I’ll get a candy bar or maybe even two.

Damn! Ten hours of live birth from all over the world next Monday. TEN hours! Next thing you know there’ll be channels dedicated to just childbirth alone. There already practically is. Again, it’s not that I have anything against it, I’m just A, sick of it, and B, I don’t want to chance rekindling old desires that could never be fulfilled. I still doubt I’ll ever want a kid again, but even so, it’s best to avoid the subject as best I can just like a recovering alkie should avoid bars. What that means is that whenever possible, I don’t want to see it, don’t want to hear about it, don’t want to read about it.

Childbirth isn’t people’s only obsession. It seems they’re pretty hung up on watching all kinds of medical, true crime and reality shows these days.

It’s been cloudy lately. They say it could rain by the end of the week.

Another day of torturous suspense as I still haven’t heard from Mary. Mary, don’t do this to me, girl! You gotta tell me something. I wonder who she’s getting her information from. Could it be Chavez?

Anyway, my first guess as far as what Teddy Bear’s in trouble for is sexual, and my second guess is that it involves some form of violence or force. Drugs? Nah, that seems unlikely. I mean, I can’t picture her into that.

Later…

The good news is that Kelly emailed me. I enclosed her message. In my reply to her, I said that perhaps we could be pen pals, or should I say net pals. Also, remember to ask if she has any questions.

The truth is that although I’m not attracted to her, I’m curious. Curious to find out just the extent of her apparent fondness for me. Just like I asked myself with Palma and Teddy Bear (Pérez was the only one I was sure of right away), is she just being friendly? I mean, she seems like a friendly person overall. I can’t imagine her being rude or aggressive to anyone. But could there be some hidden meaning behind her friendliness towards me? I mean, how many dentists play email with their patients?

Anyway, Kelly’s not ugly, but she’s not attractive, even though she’d probably be considered a little above average for her age. She’s slim with blue eyes and blond hair, but you know I prefer dark, with one redheaded exception. Her nostrils are also slightly upturned like Maria’s were. That’s why I called her Monkey Face. Even though Kelly’s no tall, dark exotic beauty or redheaded butch full of acne, she really is a sweet lady. She thanked me for the “cute and clever” emails, said she was excited just to type a message, and to let her know if it worked.

Kelly obviously didn’t spell-check her message to me, so I’ll fix her mistakes. Here’s her mess:

The bad news is that one of the power supply boxes in one of the new computers is broken. Of course, we just had to get a broken one, didn’t we? Anyway, Tom’s gone to exchange it before work.

The cylinder people called saying they shipped the new cylinder today which would put it here next week which would also explain why I had no fence vibes for this month. Done with the cheek’s visits or not, I always did say I vibed that they wouldn’t be here and up till between April – June.

Later…

Just got mail from Tom saying he exchanged the box (hope it works) and that I have one letter (from Mary). I hope it has my update!

Since I know I’ll never get below 127 pounds, I’m not weighing myself regularly anymore. I’m still going to be thrifty with the groceries, though, so I at least don’t gain more weight and have extra spending money.

Guess I’ll go listen to the song I just downloaded and burned all by myself.

Today’s the day Paula goes to court. Question is, will she be there to get the CD I’m sending? Yes, we got my computer/burner all set up. At first I thought something was wrong because the burner wasn’t reading CDs. Apparently, all it needed was for me to break it in a bit by opening and closing the door a few times. Maybe there was some dust in it or something. Nonetheless, I love it! It’s great to be able to do my own backups and burning. I have two backup CDs and decided to back up one once a month and the other twice a month. Meanwhile, I’ll back up current stuff on floppies pretty much every day.

It’s also nice to have a faster computer and more space. I had 5 gigabytes before and now I have 11. That’s 11 billion bytes!

Next comes the setting up of the digital TV system which Tom says will be a big, complex job. I believe that, too. This drive will be many times bigger than mine and will be able to hold 60-70 hours’ worth of shows. Tom says it’s the best you can get without being rich. This way, if I decide I don’t want to burn a particular episode of Charlie’s Angels I can just delete it from the hard drive.

Unlike the chair he broke, I couldn’t quite get this new chair he got for his office put together. I got some of it, though. He only got this chair cuz his was broken and it was dirt cheap, but we both agree it’s not the greatest chair. It’s leather, which sucks (it’s cold when you first sit in it), it’s too firm, and the back’s uncomfortable. It juts into my back just above the small of my back.

In order to get my computer off the floor, I had to put it on the printer stand next to the laserjet and move it back a bit. The way it’s set up now was blocking the big speaker that’s in this room, so I propped it up with an old speaker we don’t use, then put Joy on top of it, and she looks great there. She comes to about a foot below the ceiling (this is where the lowest part of it is) which is about 7’.

I saved a whopping $25 in my share of weekly groceries which means I’ll have a total of $45 come Friday. Makes me feel like one spoiled rich bitch! Anyway, I decided to get what I really like and not settle at all when it comes to getting more fashion dolls, not that I’ve settled with them as of yet. Anyway, to me, the nicest and most realistic-looking fashion dolls are the Robert Tonner series which consists of Tyler, Mei Li, Esme and Sidney, and I also like the Eve and Alex series. Eve doesn’t have any friends (just color/race variations) like Tyler and Alex do. Alex’s friends are Jade and Paris. I managed to find a site that has a brown-eyed, brown-haired version of Eve for $25, and a redheaded version of Alex for the same price (both dolls are sold nude). I can’t tell her eye color, though. They look brown towards the pupils and green further out. I’m going to order these real soon, then later on, I’m going to get this gorgeous black doll in the Eve series called Saffron Sunset that wears a flaming red chiffon gown. This one’s more expensive at $120, but hey, I like it a lot!

After I get the two dolls on sale, I’ll probably continue on as originally planned which means I’ll get the mugs, Dalene and the ballerina ornaments. Then I’ll get the black Eve. Lastly, assuming I’ve gotten the fashion doll kick pretty much out of my system save for whatever future Playboys may come out, I’ll probably work on the Ashton-Drake dolls.

Later…

I called Paula a little while ago, and fortunately, she’s home. I let her know her CD is on its way. I asked what happened in court and she said a lot of stuff, but she couldn’t talk to me about it at the moment as Miguel, her very perpetrator, was present. Lovely, I thought to myself. We both get to play court for our perps. Only difference is one wants to fuck her perp and the other wants – well – I think that’s rather obvious. But once again, I can want, but not have. Hey, no one gets it all!

Starting with excellent news – we got the new computers! One is for the TV. We’re going all digital. Now I’ll be able to record Charlie’s Angels on CDs. No more setting up or rewinding videos!

The other computer, of course, is for me. It’s going to be so nice to get rid of this agonizingly slow computer and to be able to burn my own CDs.

I spoke to Paula, who says it’s okay to send stuff if she does go to jail cuz she’ll definitely get the mail when she gets out. I let her know I was upgrading, getting my own burner, and that I’d send her a CD at some point.

Next comes the fences, then the kiln!

It’s no wonder I never heard from the dentist. I sent her email to the wrong address! Guess I’m the one that got stuck on stupid. I sent them again, so we’ll see if I hear back from her.

Oh, Mary, please hurry up and send me the Teddy Bear update with as much detail as possible! I want to know every single thing you know!

I wonder if Teddy Bear, once she knew she was in trouble, wished she’d kept her word about seeing me so she could use me for that positive reference I offered if she ever needed it. Too late now, huh girl?

Whatever it is she’s done, I doubt she’ll get fired. They always protect their own. I mean, I don’t know if this is true, but if it’s true that Palma slugged an inmate like I heard, look at what she got for it. All she got was a quick suspension. No charges, no firing. I believe the rumor too, because I heard it from more than one source and because of Palma’s aggressive personality.

I did get mail from Mary after all. Tom just didn’t get around to letting me know about it till after I shut down the computers. Got 5 envelopes with drafts and religious cards with a very surprising letter in one of them.

The smaller surprise of the letter was that she told me my body looked good in the recent pictures I sent and that I was in awesome shape. I’m in awesome shape, yes, but I sure didn’t expect to hear that I looked good. I mean, I didn’t expect her to come out and tell me I was a fat, ugly cow, but I thought she’d tell me I still needed a lot of work.

Anyway, I hope she’s on her way to Florida so I can send her her stuff and we can exchange letters a little more privately, so to speak. Meaning, in Florida, no one will know my or the Phoenix officer’s names that I may mention.

Speaking of one Phoenix officer – the big surprise was about Teddy Bear. To quote from Mary’s letter, she wrote: I have Teddy Bear updates, but I can’t tell you much quite yet because 007 is still investigating. I know almost everything about her. I can’t be sure if all my information is true, but I have reliable resources with whom she associates. Let’s just say Teddy Bear’s got issues and I feel you deserve better, Jodi. I really mean it. I’ll write soon with my update.

I was like, Teddy Bear, what did you do?! My first thought was that she and another inmate liked each other just like we did, only she went further with this one and got caught. If this is so, and if she was lonely and horny, why didn’t she come to me? Was I just too far away? Was this other inmate more convenient and maybe better looking, too?

My second guess is that she hit someone, but Teddy Bear? I know the woman had a bit of bite to her, but that’s more of a Palma thing, I’d think. She always seemed to be a rather dedicated professional, so I don’t know. I mean, I just can’t imagine her getting into trouble, unless maybe she herself is being set up for some reason, but who knows?

Whatever it is she’s supposed to have done, wouldn’t the 007 just love to know about us? I assume this 007 is something that investigates officers. I couldn’t find anything online about it, and Tom said that it’s an internal thing that would never be posted online.

I wonder if it’s a DO I know that’s been filling Mary in? Whoever it is, I think I might write Mary and ask her to ask this person if she’d be willing to give my letter to Teddy Bear, since she associates with her regularly enough. That is unless Mary doesn’t think it’d be a wise idea. I’ll trust her to use her best judgment. I guess it depends on what she’s done. Besides, Teddy Bear knows my address and number. If she ever really wants to get a hold of me, she knows how to.

I just wish I knew what was going on! Could it somehow be connected to me? I doubt it, but once I knew she was going to blow me off, I did wonder about my letter. I wondered if it could’ve caused anyone to think more went on between us than actually did.

Meanwhile, I guess all I can do is sit and wait for Mary’s next letter, hoping it’ll have more detailed info. After all, the suspense sure is killing me!

As I let her know, I’m so grateful to her. If it weren’t for her, I’d never know about this 007 thing, nor would I ever have known she even left there!

Later…

Tom found a link with an update online about Monster. My hunch was right as to why there was no obvious mention of yesterday’s supposed sentencing. It’s been delayed till the 28th (Mary’s letters were postmarked on the 4th and 5th, so she couldn’t have known about the delay at the time). Supposedly, he asked the judge if he could change his guilty plea and the judge said no. Then he asked to fire his lawyer and the judge said no. Finally, he asked for a hearing (I forget exactly what it’s called), and the judge said ok. So the animal’s still utilizing any delay tactic he can come up with, but I don’t know why. It’s not going to change the inevitable outcome in either case.

Tom says he thinks the spider may’ve come up from the shower drain, which might explain why so many sightings are in that bath. That shower rarely gets used cuz of the leak, and I know the fuckers don’t drown easily. As he explained to me, all drains have wide-open vents to the roof, so that’s how it might’ve gotten in. From now on I’ll be sure to run water down it more often, and even spray some Raid down, even if it might not be as powerful as I’d like. It’s just that I’d have thought it was too big to squeeze through the drain. Maybe if it’s that desperate it can squeeze its way through, cuz I’d have found something that big if it had gotten out of the shower, and it couldn’t have gone very far. It would’ve been sluggish from all the Raid and water.

Tomorrow Tom will spray the skirting and install the indoor/outdoor thermometer he fixed.

Anyway, I’m going to assume Mary will be in Phoenix at least until the 28th and go ahead and send her a letter. The poor girl must’ve been pissed as soon as she found out about the delay. I’m sure she just wants to get the show on the road, so to speak.

We discussed it and we decided we’d each take $40 a month for fun, and we’re also going to get new computers, the fences and the kiln within the next couple of months, cuz we’ll definitely have the money for it all. Also, we’re going to allot $90 a week for groceries, though I’ll still try to get as little as I can for two reasons; the extra money I can save, and cuz I should anyway, so I don’t end up like Roseanne Barr anytime too soon.

No new news yet on Monster from what I could see online.

Tom’s still fighting with the bank over the house payments but is still certain that it’ll be over soon and in our favor. He says he doesn’t think he’ll get the payments lowered back down, but that this will at least show them that we’re fed up and aren’t going to take any more, should they think of raising the payments some more in the future.

I hope he’s right about this since some people just don’t give up. So many more people would lose weight and quit smoking if they could put the same determination and discipline into making that happen as they do with fucking other people over.

Anyway, I’m quite bored. All I have to do is work out and clean the kitchen. Now’s when I wish I was making dolls or at least had some typing to do for Mary! There’s been no mail from her or anyone else connected to her.

Originally I had thought that the defense seeing her book couldn’t hurt her, and I doubt it will, but now I’m wondering about the part where she looks in the mirror at her beaten face and tells herself she’d broken every promise she ever made to herself about not being with abusive guys. In other words, it shows she knew what was going on. She knew she was with someone dangerous yet she stuck around. If I were her, I wouldn’t worry about it, though. I don’t think it’ll change anything one way or another.

I’m down a pound to 127. I’m regular, avoiding fried foods and sugar, and I’m working out more, so we’ll see what happens. I still think I’m too old to lose much more weight, let alone weighed down with too much muscle to do so.

Later…

Just had an utterly terrifying experience. I went to sit down on my toilet, and there in the shower stall was one of those big spider-like things the size of the skylight spider. What was even scarier was that I kept Raiding the shit out of it and drenching it with water and it still wouldn’t die! It was too big to go down the drain. So then I turned on the hot water and ran to get the fly swatter, came back and it was gone! I hope to hell it squeezed through the drain as the water heated up, and I am so spooked out right now! I’m like, oh please don’t tell me we’re going to get another slew of these things again! But I know that where there’s one, there’s more waiting to terrorize me. They’re always either in that bath or the kitchen. Only one was found in the utility. I’ll tell you one thing for sure, if I see more of them, we’re bombing with or without a truck. We’ll take the bitch’s cage outside, and take the guys with us in the tank if we have to. I really want to move to a place that doesn’t have anything bigger than Daddy long legs!

I wonder why no one’s emailing me lately. Nothing from Dave, nothing from the dentist, nothing from Tom. I had told him to email me and tell me what I may have from Mary since he got out too early this morning to stop at check, but I guess he either didn’t get around to it yet or there was nothing there.

Nothing online pertaining to Monster, so maybe they haven’t had time to write the story yet, twist things around, add a few lies, then get it online. Of course, there’s always the possibility that something came up to delay sentencing, too.

The good news is that Tom settled with the bank and got our payments lowered by $100 so that’s good. He mentioned raising our allowances. We should get at least $40 a month so then we can get as much as the freeloaders do. I mean, I know the money doesn’t go to the freeloaders, but the point’s the same.

I thought about it and realized that the numbers don’t add up. Tom said the house in front was about a mile away, but that makes no sense cuz then it’d have to be about 9 properties away since there are 5,000 feet to a mile, and there’s no way it’s that far out. Distance in the flat desert can be deceptive, but I still say it’s only a couple of properties away, putting it a little over 1,000 feet away.

I just hope that in 3 or 4 months from now when they’re all moved in that we have them damn fences up so their dogs can’t roam around on our land.

I’m pleased that the nighttime barking has ceased quite a bit. I got through a whole bath just a little while ago without one bark.

Slept till 1:30 today. No hunters, no booms. Just a new house. Yeah, maybe we will get rich off this place someday after all. It appears to be two properties in front of us. It’s a nice, good-sized house with a fancier exterior than ours. Meaning, there are dormers, peaks and other nooks and crannies. It’s tan-colored and I’d say it has about 3, but more likely 4 bedrooms. The good thing is that it’s too nice and expensive for Mexicans or blacks, but the front of it is facing us which means the house won’t be between us and their dogs and outside activities. On the other hand, they’re pretty far out there, so maybe the distance will counteract any noise that may come from them. After all, the house is far away enough that I could only tell that the front of it was facing us with the binoculars. They’re at least a mile away.

Still no email from Kelly, my dentist, so I guess she either hasn’t gotten her mail or she just got stuck on stupid.

I wonder what’s going on with Mary. Tomorrow’s Monster’s sentencing day. I told Tom to let me know if he caught it on the news since I never read or watch the news. I wish she’d just get her ass to Florida so I can start sending her stuff to her without anyone there knowing me! A part of me wishes she wouldn’t return to Arizona once she’s released, so I don’t have to worry about her pestering me, but I know she’ll be back here the moment she does get out. Oh well. If she gets to be a pest, I’ll just tell her so.

Paula left a message the night before last sounding incredibly pissed off, but I knew that that was just how she always sounds. All she said was, “Listen, I’ll be calling you tomorrow morning. Be sure you answer your phone.” So, I decided to call her, saying we got a phone card, and let her know that hey, I can’t always be by the phone whenever she wants me to be. I asked if she got the doll’s dress, and all she said was, “Yeah.” No “thank you,” no nothing. Like I said, I can only stomach so much of that pesky ditz, so I just send my monthly letters to her and ignore the phone 99% of the time.

The rats have started hanging out in their tubes, but they still don’t wheel. Good, then I don’t have to worry about it squeaking, waking me up, and needing oiling.

I still don’t think I’ll lose any more weight, but I think I may be onto something as far as that goes. I think pedaling for 30 or more minutes is much more effective than just 20. I got carried away yesterday and had 2000 calories, yet was down two pounds when I got up, after having worked out for close to an hour yesterday between the Bowflex and the pedals. It makes sense when you think about it after reading online like I did that it takes 90 minutes on a treadmill to burn 500 calories. Maybe if I stay regular and ride longer I’ll lose more weight, but I doubt it.

Later…

When the heat stays on as late as 11:30 and comes on as early as 8:30, you know we’re having another cold snap! It’s a good thing we didn’t get plants yet.

My vibes told me the guy Tom was to interview last night wouldn’t show up, and they also told me something was wrong with the cylinder. I was right on both. When he called the cylinder place in L.A., they said the one they received was damaged, so they’re expecting another in next week. Tom still thinks there’s a chance we can get the fences this month, but right now I don’t see anything going on for this month.

Another uneventful trip to see Scot. He’s still not mentioning seeing me at the house, but he is back to telling me how much time I have left every time I see him. He was actually right too, when he said there were 8½ months left instead of 9 since nothing’s going to be happening during the last two weeks. Not if I can help it, anyway. It’s just that I know they could push for an extension simply based on the fact that I express no guilt, but even if I was guilty, I still could never feel an ounce of guilt or pity for these people. They victimized me and they deserved anything they might have gotten from me, and if I were them, I’d thank my lucky stars that mail was all I did get. A lot of people would’ve given them something far worse to complain about than that.

We didn’t stop at any stores on the way back this time around.

Yesterday’s allergy attack was the worst one I’d had since I first went to jail. I felt miserable all day and didn’t even work out.

I crashed last night at 1 AM and slept peacefully till 10 AM, but I don’t know if I should let myself roll over to nights. They’ve been booming by like hell lately. Tom says it’s because we’re getting ready to go to war with our favorite enemy – Iraq.

My allergies were waiting to attack me the moment I got up, and they’re still pretty bad. I’d love to take some Benadryl, but the freeloaders won’t let me as they know it’d put me to sleep, fuck up my schedule, and prevent me from going out tomorrow on account of them.

Yesterday, just after I awoke at 8:30, I was surprised to hear hunters out there. I didn’t expect them to suddenly start up again this close to spring and on a weekday. Spring out here being more like early March, of course. They woke me up today when they started at 10:00, and I’d already been woken up once before by a loud engine at 6:30. It never ceases to amaze me at just how much I’ve been woken up out here in rural Maricopa as opposed to the city where it was so much noisier. But of course, there I took more measures to ensure my sleep, so part of it is my fault for sleeping with the fan on low. I’ll sleep with it on high tonight. I’ll hopefully get up at noon, take about an hour to wake up over coffee, then shower and be out the door by 1:30.

I’m just so glad I don’t have to report at specific times. If I always had to report at 8 AM or 2 PM, it’d make it so much harder on me and it’s been hell on me as it is, though I still feel freer than I have in years. Especially with the piss test out of the way and his lack of home visits. Makes me feel a little more like my life belongs to me in between report times. I’d still like Scot to cut me to once a month, but I understand his selfish reasoning for not doing so. If I knew I’d be likely to get more people the more I cut their reports down, I wouldn’t cut them down either. I mean, yes, he’s stricter and more of a stickler for rules anyway, but we’re pretty sure that’s the reason he won’t give me any breaks despite his knowing my being on probation is unfair, asinine and unnecessary. I always said in the first place God would make sure I had a PO that wouldn’t spare me shit, but at least he didn’t send me to one who was hell-bent on setting me up.

I just hope we can get through the remaining time without incident. Tom doesn’t think he’ll mention recommending I be let go come the next progress report since by then there’ll only be 6 months left, but yes he will. I know he will. First of all, it wouldn’t take 6 months to make a simple phone call to tell him I’m done with them, though that’d never happen, and secondly, if I’m right about him enjoying how much it bothers me to hear my perpetrator called a victim, then that’s all the more reason he will.

I just wish I didn’t spend so much time regretting the past since it can never be undone or changed, but I do. There are so many things I’ve said/done that I wish I hadn’t, and vice versa. There I was thinking I handled Mr. Biased oh so well when in fact I couldn’t have handled him worse if I tried. I said all the wrong things. There I was thinking I was helping myself by telling him exactly what had happened yet little did I know that there were such places on earth where so much could be made out of so little. Such little petty shit could be so exaggerated and so twisted. So blown out of perspective and proportion.

Why does it still piss me off to know that I never stood up to Hank on Oswego St. or Barbara in Norwich? Why does it still piss me off to know that I didn’t attack the black bitch when she came screaming at the door? Why does it still piss me off to know that Woodruff reduced me to feeling like a child being punished when she sternly told me I’d “sit there longer” when I demanded to be sent back to M Dorm after being left to sit in the cramped, hot visitation booth while she and other DOs rudely gabbed happily away as if I didn’t exist?

I swear to God I will be all over the next Nancy K with the balls to threaten me. I swear it! No matter who’s got a hold on me or what the consequences are, I owe it to myself to finally fight back. I can’t keep letting this one pick on me and that one pick on me or else I’m going to be just as miserable as I have been in the past. If I don’t start standing up for myself, I’ll either end up in jail again or left to fume over what my abuser got away with this time around. It isn’t “over” even if it is over as far as the freeloaders are concerned come October. Someone else is going to fuck me over and or threaten me. It may take a few years, but it’ll happen, and you know what? I’m fighting back cuz I’ll be damned if I’ll suffer or get locked up for them. I don’t know how I’ll fight back, but I’ll figure it out when the time comes. No more sending the wrong message to people, making them believe, like I did with the black bitch, that they can keep picking and picking at me year after year in all different kinds of ways and get away with it. Now these people think they’re invincible. Now they know that just out of sheer spite and hate, they could call the pigs, tell them I tried to harm them in some way and the pigs will pick me right up, no questions asked. They wouldn’t need any evidence to get me a second time around and if they did they’d just make it up. With me already convicted of “stalking” them, they know they wouldn’t need much. I’d still like to think they’ll quit while they’re way, way ahead and let me get on with my life in 9 months, and fortunately, I don’t have any bad vibes, but again, it doesn’t really matter cuz I’d never let them get me in the same position once again. As soon as I knew they were at it again, I’d be out of here. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of fighting and dealing with them either by myself, a public pretender, or a good lawyer we paid for; I’d be out of here, leaving them to fight their own fight all by themselves.

That damn Humane Society teased us yesterday by sending a big envelope that I thought would at least have address labels in it, but instead they wanted more money. Again I emailed them suggesting they send the stuff they said they’d send first, but again they’re ignoring me. I think it’s cuz we only sent $10. Last time we sent $15 and there was no problem. If $10’s not acceptable to them, though, then they shouldn’t have it as one of their donation options.

Later…

I decided I’d no longer suffer for the freeloaders and let them control me any more than they already have, and took a Benadryl. To try to counteract the inevitable drowsiness the stuff causes me, I made a non-decaf cup of coffee.

I also decided to put a hold on getting Perfect Portions for now. Now that I’m not getting frozen foods that are fried, and am eating low-cal TV dinners that have a good balance of nutrition, I may be ok. That’s what I lost weight on a few years ago, but we’ll see. I still may get it eventually.

I definitely don’t want to join Weight Watchers. Their food’s as spicy as jail food, their program is complicated and involves a lot of math, and they use a point system. Hell, I was on a point system for years between Brattleboro and Valleyhead. I don’t need to be on one again.

Amazingly, yesterday’s candy spree didn’t put a pound on me, but I’m sure it’s only cuz I shit my ass off. Had I been stuck, I’d be up 2-3 pounds.

It looks like I didn’t have the honor of hexing Mary after all. I should’ve figured God wouldn’t allow me such a wonderful gift anyway. I went and checked, and the dates don’t match. Meaning, she said her illnesses began the Friday after Christmas, yet I didn’t check out the presents and insults till the following morning.

Either way, what’s done is done, but I don’t intend to associate with her much from now on by email or in person.

The Dead Zone’s gotten to be way too boring and predictable. Childbirth, childbirth and more childbirth. Two episodes in a row of it. I still can’t figure out why our society is so obsessed with the subject. This is what the viewers want to see, though. It not only gets old like I said before, but I don’t want to see or hear about that subject for fear of it rekindling old desires, though I highly doubt it will. Still, a recovering alcoholic shouldn’t go to bars, and a dieter shouldn’t go to candy stores. Besides such popular subjects, the show needs more action and less talking, planning and building up to things.

Woke up at 127. I was going to say I can’t get below that, but I don’t know. I may wake up below it, despite the candy I’ve had today. That’s cuz I’ve been the opposite of how I was throughout January, which means I’ve been shitting my ass off. I’m actually to the point where I’m like, enough’s enough! I shit so much today that I doubt I’ll shit tomorrow.

The bag of candy I got has about 30 pieces that are a little bigger than Hershey’s Kisses. I had 10 of them and froze the rest so it wouldn’t be convenient for me to keep grabbing a few every time I pass through the kitchen.

Now to cover my day while I listen for new MP3s to download (hopefully). I got up at 8:30, an hour before the alarm was due to go off. At 11:00, we took off to the dentist. She really likes me, though I don’t know the extent of it. Let’s just say that I’m good enough with people to know she’s at least not homophobic if she’s never been attracted to the same sex herself. She’s a very friendly person who strikes me as a very tolerant and accepting individual. I’m amazed at just how much she likes to chat with me. Too bad she’s not as good-looking as Melanie was!

Let’s just also say that regardless of how deep her fondness is for me, if she had to dump half her patients and give them away to another dentist, I bet I wouldn’t be on that giveaway list.

“There’s feisty Dawn,” she said as she approached me after her assistant got me settled in the chair. She was so grateful to me cuz of the way my advice on how to speed up hair growth has helped her, which I noticed right away was about an inch longer. “I’ve been wearing braids, taking multi-vitamins, scratching my scalp, and my hair’s grown faster than it has in a while,” she happily told me.

She asked me about the dolls and rats and said she wanted to learn how to do email which her husband says is easy. I wondered then, how come she had an email account if she didn’t know how to do email, and why couldn’t her husband show her how to do it? Nonetheless, I offered to show her, telling her I’d email her and that all she had to do was type in what she wanted to say, then hit the reply button. I wanted to show her a good variety of the email decorations I have, so I sent one with a colorful background to which I added a couple of animations, then one with an animated mouse, and one with graphics that consisted of an ocean scene. I told her she could insert pictures if she wanted to and to click on the address I typed in if she wanted to get the same email software I’ve got.

I met her husband and her 11-year-old daughter who had just gotten her braces off.

She was, as usual, very complimentary of me. Especially my hair. She too, complimented my thick curls and even the gray, too. She said she wishes she had hair my color, rather than the blond she’s got.

We also discussed my working out. She and her assistant thought I was 110 pounds. I wish!

On my way out, she gave me the same full-size tube of toothpaste she gave me last time. Quite a generous sample!

After hitting the grocery store, we went to the PO and picked up Lily, my bronze ballerina who wears a gold tutu. Although small, she’s way nice. Nicer than I anticipated. I just may get more of these after all.

For now, my tentative plans are to order a mug on the 15th, then order the remaining 3 that I designed by the 15th of next month. Then I’ll concentrate on dolls. I’ll probably start with Ashton’s ornament ballerinas.

Tom and I did some comparing and some math and decided that if I could get my daily food cost down to $7 a day, we could save a lot of money to use for fun things. Because he can stand to live on basically just hotdogs, it only costs a few bucks a day for his food. Because I like a wider variety, I’m at about $9 a day.

For once, Dave not only sent one funny joke but two funny jokes!

After having shit two days in a row, I’m back to 127. If only I could keep regular! Then I just might stand a real chance of losing weight, but as long as I’m going to be stuck a day here and two days there, I’ll just keep putting back what I lose, for the most part. I’ll be doing that tomorrow as it is when I get my last big treat (a bag of mint/chocolate candy cups).

Mary’s improved with punctuation a lot, although she sometimes still substitutes periods with commas. She’s even putting spoken things in quotes which helps a lot. So often in the past, I’d have to back up and insert quotes once I realized the person was supposed to be speaking.

Later…

No activity in back at all today. Maybe that’s because of the wind. It’s been a very windy day which has cooled the temperature down quite a bit.

Tom showed me how to set up a 7.5 x 3 canvas for the mugs, and I don’t know why they said it would be time-consuming, cuz it only took a second to do. In the end, I decided it’d be cool to have pictures on both sides. There’ll be 4 mugs, but on the 15th, I’ll only order one to make sure there are no problems with it. One mug will have a picture of Houdini and Ratsy on one side with Oreo and Little Fella on the other. Another will have Lady nursing a baby on one side with the baby rats just as their fur was sprouting on the other. Another will have a collage that wraps right around, consisting of 4 mice and a shot of Scuttles. Lastly, there’ll be a mug with Joy’s picture on one side and Bailey’s on the other.

Tom insists that because I’m not more than 20 pounds overweight, it’s okay for me to lose weight this slowly. Yes, it’s true that the more weight you have to lose, the faster it comes off till you get within 20-30 pounds of your goal weight. Nonetheless, and even though I seem to be more regular, I won’t count on losing any more weight. I don’t think I’m ready yet to let it get too out of control, either. I’ll still exercise and eat sensibly.

We checked out Weight Watchers. It’s $60 to get started, then $15 for each month, so no, it’s not too expensive. I just don’t think I’m interested. At least not yet. However, I saw a rather interesting commercial worth investigating online. They have a web address as well as an 800 number to call. It’s called Perfect Portions. You place a menu (the contents of each meal) down inside a round dish. Then, on top of it, you put down a see-through plate with dividers, similar to a TV dinner tray that has a section for the main course, the veggies, the dessert, etc. This way your carbs, proteins and other things are divvied up the way they should be to ensure weight loss in a healthier, more effective way, so you don’t have to measure or count calories. I assume this would be a low-carb, high-protein diet. For those who want to get ripped and look really muscular, you’d have a diet that is rich in carbs.

You can mostly see my muscles in my shoulders, abs and calves. Depending on how I move, you can see some biceps and some outer thigh muscles.

When pulled straight, my hair is to the middle of my ass now. When left curled, it’s to the crack of my ass.

I figured out why the dogs are so obsessed with the pipes. It isn’t just the pipes themselves they want to play with, it’s the animals hiding inside them that they want to get at. The cat is out there right now crouched down and ready to pounce, should something good emerge from one of them.

The barking still continues to be horrendous. Especially for where we live. Once the sun sets, it’s terrible. The renter’s dog was barking so ferociously for attention last night at around 8:00 that I had to put on some music just so I could eat my dinner in peace. Again, I so do hope it improves as it heats back up. I think that the reason it’s not as bad during the daytime, especially during the week, is that people aren’t home as much. When they’re home ignoring the dogs, that sets them off more, knowing their owners are so close and can hear their useless barks for attention. Again, I don’t know how the owners themselves can stand it. If Pepper were here barking his head off just outside a window or a door, I’d want to strangle him! I’d go completely insane having to listen to that.

There have been a few more downloads, putting it to a total of 25, and they were all pictures of me.

Got mail from Mary today. She didn’t mention anything about when she’s leaving, so I’m still assuming she won’t be there much longer than about a week after the 7th. I sent another letter back telling her that once again I’m going to put a hold on any more mail to her unless she contacts me telling me she’s going to be there longer.

She sent another book of stamps which was very nice of her, and that same picture of her the media took that she had sent me about a year ago. It’s a nice one, though she’s awfully thin. I never did get any pictures from Michelle and Todd, though, so who knows if they’re just playing with her or what? So many people say so many things they’re going to do that they don’t.

Surprisingly, she sent more fantasy stuff she wrote which contains sexual fantasies between her and the soul mate she hopes to one day meet. I had thought she said she was going to get working more on her book which was part of why she had me send her a copy, so that’s why I was a bit surprised, but no problem. I have more free time now that I’m not proofreading.

I agree with her that fantasy is fun to write, though as I told her, I never saved anything I wrote cuz I thought it was stupid. Besides, I doubt she’d enjoy anything I wrote as it was about lesbian couples. I love my husband, but I am so not attracted to the male body, the male scent, the male anything! I do prefer the feminine touch, though not as feminine as I used to like. I like a woman who looks like a woman, yet who’s strong and that I know is going to make me feel safe.

As I told her, I’m glad to help out any way I can because if there’s one person I know who would never take my help for granted or who wouldn’t do me a favor if I needed it, it’s her.

Later…

We checked out Perfect Portions and I definitely want to try it. I believe the economy pack, which was what I think would best suit me, is something like $50. It is higher in carbs, though I think it’ll be alright. The balance of nutrition and what you eat is almost as important as how much you eat, and this will help with that a lot without having to count, weigh or measure.

We’re going grocery shopping Monday after the dentist, and that’s the day I’ll allow myself one final big-sized treat before committing myself to having no fun for quite a while. I can still take days off, but my weekly “day off” can only consist of a regular-size candy bar, a slice of cake, a few small cookies, etc. Not a trip to the China Buffet, a pint of ice cream or a giant candy bar.

I was sitting outside while he prepped the truck for the cylinder head we’re expecting next week and I heard the renters chatting (a woman and a man). And part of the corner of the house was between us too, so that tells me that had we been in back or by the bedroom side, we probably would’ve been able to hear what they were saying.

If we ever do get that inflatable pool we were talking about, hopefully they won’t spoil our peace too much. The bulk of the time we’re going to want to swim will be in the middle of the day when it’ll hopefully be too hot for them to be outside gabbing unless they get a pool of their own which wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they did. On the other hand, if I were to swim in the early evening, that’s when it could be a bit noisy.

Although they don’t seem like they’re going to entertain today, I’ve got the kitchen blinds shut. I didn’t come here to glance out a window to see 20 people. They’re definitely not an asset to this place. There are just too many of them and they’re outside too much of the time. It’s still peaceful as can be compared to Phoenix, but I’m really getting sick of the openness around here. Because of it, we can hear barking from miles away. If there were woods between us and the renters, we’d never know they existed. I find myself thinking more and more of a cabin in the woods if we can’t live on a boat, simply to avoid having to see anybody at all and to get even further away from people.