Amazingly enough, I don’t think Jesse went out last night or the night before last. It’s been too quiet for him to have taken off.

I was reading the start of Alison’s latest story. It’s so damn good! It also gave me an idea for a story of my own. I’ve actually got 3 ideas now. Why must the ideas come faster than I can turn them into print?

Later…

I have been trying and trying so hard to shake the depression I’ve been so strongly gripped by but it’s like it has a permanent hold on me. I’m still working out and doing the things I normally do like laundry and housekeeping, but for the most part, all I want to do is sit and write, lie in bed or listen to music.

I asked Tom if he had anything in writing that said he would be receiving the pension money at 55 and he said that if he ever did it’s long gone. Yeah, and how much you wanna bet the bastard above made sure of that and that there’s no way to sue the fuckers for lying to us? See, this is why I think we’re being cursed by something with a conscience that can think and plan. Had we had a few rough patches in life I’d write it off to bad luck, but when shit like this keeps happening to us over and over again throughout our lives, it becomes rather obvious (at least to me) that something’s deliberately, knowingly and intentionally setting us up to keep falling flat on our asses. The 20K I thought we were supposed to have gotten would’ve sprung us out of here and over to Florida where we could’ve got along just fine until he got a job and us into a rental in a senior community. I wouldn’t have minded never owning again if we could have kept the landlord out of the picture for the most part as we could in Oregon and not have to share the property with anyone else while we were at it.

On the other hand, how I wish I just loved apartments! Our lives would be so much easier. But once again, why do I have a feeling that whatever’s up there, be it a God or a devil, helped make sure I can’t stand them so our lives would be even harder on us? Oh, how I wish I could adapt to whatever I wanted to adapt to! I’d gladly get a cheap apartment and just accept the fact that being a light sleeper who sometimes sleeps during the day I would get woken up here and there. Why can’t I just deal with other people’s noise and just accept it like I accept the sounds of nature, the train passing through, and airplanes flying around? Why is it so damn hard for me to put up with the banging and other shit that goes with attached living and not let it distract and irritate me? At least in an apartment, I wouldn’t have to worry about the treadmill, my own music or any other racket I may make being complained of since everyone else would be too busy making their own racket to even notice.

Then again, if we could choose what we like and not have certain things annoy us, couldn’t we then choose our sexualities, what colors/foods/music we like, and more? How I wish we could! The “new” me would just love apartments and be content to spend the rest of her life there, attracted to her husband only and never again to another woman.

Maybe I was going about life the wrong way. Maybe instead of trying to run from everything I hated or at least didn’t want, I should’ve accepted the fact that everyone hates their jobs, their homes, and basically their whole damn lives, and instead go for everything I hated or didn’t want as a means of forcing myself to adapt and learn to just get used to and deal with the fact that life is never what we want it to be anyway. People like to kid themselves into thinking life is what we make it and that we have free will, but that’s just not reality. Not for the most part anyway. I could choose pink lipstick over red, but when it comes to the big things – the important things that really matter – how much of it do we really have any control over?

So the next time the dogs go off, why don’t I just not reach for the sound machines for once and just learn to get used to them and just fucking deal with it? I guess the only way to know if I can get myself to be who I want to be is to stop trying to be who I am. Right?

I didn’t choose or ask to be attracted to Nane, any more than anyone else (gay/bi/straight) picks and chooses who they’re attracted to, but I could have chosen not to befriend her. I’m glad I did, but I’ll certainly be keeping my mouth shut in the future, if there is a future for me, when I next find myself attracted to someone. Why flirt or get to know someone I couldn’t have any way for even if they wanted me in return and were right down the street when I have no desire to ever leave my husband?

Anyway, back to the pension. Cursed or not I don’t see how the hell they can legally keep us from our money and basically lie to us like they did and change the rules whenever the hell they feel like it. I can see them adjusting the age for those signing on at the time they wanted to change them, but to tell someone they can have their own money at 55, then change it to 65, is totally wrong. But of course the bastard above – whatever it is – will make sure there’s no way to sue them silly for fucking us over.

I’m not even going to bother calling the people I won the Italy trip for. Once again, living where one wants to live is not real life. Especially for us. And there’s no point in getting a free hotel stay when you can’t buy food or gas or anything else you need till you get a job.

I would never expect any off-the-wall changes like waking up taller one day, but God I really wish I loved apartments! An apartment would have so much more than this old trailer has even if we didn’t save much money there. Most complexes in the west have full-size washers and dryers in some sort of laundry room, and even if it didn’t have a dishwasher, it would have a pool and be in much newer and better condition than this old dump. Why can’t I want what’s best and what’s right for us?!?! Moving to an apartment so we could not struggle so much would initially be trading in one misery for another, but sooner or later even I would adapt and be ok with apartment life, right? Maybe even like it? Hmm… well, I never could get myself used to and liking the duplex we were in for 10 months in Oregon, and it could get noisy as hell sandwiched in by loud TVs and barking dogs on one side and a family who lived in their backyard on the other side, but maybe I was too stubborn to and simply didn’t go in there with the right attitude. I went in there thinking I would get the hell out the first chance I got and that’s exactly what I did. The house we moved to wasn’t always quiet since it was on a busy street and every other car had loud stereos, but I was way happier there. Way happier. But what if I had gone into the duplex with the attitude that yeah, life sucks and then you die so just deal with it and other people’s antics? Would that have made a difference?

sighs I just don’t know what to do. No matter where I live and what I have for money, I still don’t know that I want to live to get old and acquire the problems most people have with age. Unlike most people, I’m not going to have the luxury of dying while surrounded by family and friends. My friends and family are too far away and most of them will be dying or already dead by the time my own time comes to head for the pearly gates. The only thing I do know is that we can never do anything and life can never go on for us (good or bad) as long as no one gives my husband a job. That much I do know.

Speaking of adapting, I’m still getting used to the new glasses. I like how they fit better and don’t fall off when I look downward, and I like how I see better close-up, but the distance is even blurrier with these things. Even just a few feet away is blurrier. So if I see a little spot on the wall I don’t think should be there, I have to practically stick my face in it to see if it’s a spider, not something I care to do.

It was much cooler today and we may have seen the last of the temps in the 90s.

I’m sitting here wondering what the hell’s wrong with my blog. I’m tweaking the template on my big 20” iMac and I have my 15” laptop next to it so I can see how the layout looks on both screens. But the colors aren’t right. Not all of the colors on the big Mac are the same as on the laptop, WTF? I’m running XP on the Mac and Vista on the laptop, so maybe that’s got something to do with it. I suppose I should just use Blogger’s own template designs, but being creative and into these kinds of things I built my own template so I could design it myself. However, I’ve done enough designing, coding, configuring, formatting, editing and programming for the night, though I hardly do much of the things that require me to be good with numbers because I’m not.

Later…

Alison was kind enough to give me the ins and outs of Nebraska living. She told me what the different areas of the state were like. From the sound of it, the area she’s in isn’t as cheap as the town we lived in up in Oregon, but it’s certainly cheaper than Cali. We could survive quite well on a minimum wage job in a 2-bedroom apartment for $575, but we could also survive here on what we’re paying here. If we decide to live I’d rather live in this secluded trailer in the woods where it doesn’t get nearly as cold/snowy as opposed to an apartment where we’d be back to having to listen to everyone’s TVs, music, doors, footsteps and screaming kids in a horrible climate.

Besides, the biggest thing I’ve learned since living in California is that while things could get better and work out really well for us, they won’t. I’ve lived long enough to know this. Just because I could sit and write a long list stretching from here to an eternity of all the wonderful things that could happen to us to make our lives a whole lot better, even if it was nothing miraculous or grand, I know damn well that they won’t. And that’s the biggest reason I’ve been so damn down and despondent lately. When we’re young we tend to live in the moment, but when we get older we tend to live in both the present and the future, and when both seem so bleak it makes it harder to want to carry on. I have lost all hope and faith thanks to being both experienced and intuitive enough to know what’s in our cards and what’s not. And what’s not in our cards is for things to go our way. That just doesn’t happen to Tom and Jodi S. Never has, never will. Every single time we move our plans go to hell and we end up getting exactly what we didn’t move there for.

Not getting any pension money is no surprise at all to me as devastating as it still is. Well, they now claim he can have it at 66, but by then it’ll change to 77 and so on and so forth. Anyway, I told Tom years ago that I doubted we’d get anything. I saw it in my dreams and I felt it in my bones. It seems only my bad dreams and vibes are the ones coming true lately for Tom still has no job even though it’s almost mid-September and I haven’t won big at all despite the dreams I had. It’s nice to win size 5 panties that I somehow managed to squeeze my fat ass into and to be wedgie free just as Hanes promises, but I no longer win the hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars worth of cash and prizes I’m used to winning.

Right now all I want (or when he turns 55 next year) is a modest little house to rent in an adult community in Florida, but that is out of the question and totally not possible. Again, we could get there, but we couldn’t live/eat until we could get into a position to maybe achieve this. And what if we could? Notice there’s a serious price to pay with everything we do manage to achieve? One goal/dream achieved means a new problem(s) will arise. I traded in my smoking addiction for a weight problem. Then I lost weight and it was on to dental problems. And yes, I wanted to move to California and I wanted to be in a rural area and I got these things. But struggling in a dump and being forced to sit on our asses while other people’s dogs bark for hours at a time some days/nights, wasn’t part of the California dreamin’. As Alison said, you keep hoping things will get better and sometimes you think they will, but then they never do.

“Did you ever think of what it would do to me?” my sister asked in regard to my wanting to give up. Yes, I did. I know it would hurt my friends and family. But they would get over that hurt in time while we would never be able to get ahead in life and truly be happy. We’ve had our happy moments, don’t get me wrong, but the big picture can and will never change. Besides, sometimes we have to think of ourselves and put our own welfare ahead of others. So it’s not that I don’t realize my dying would hurt others. It’s just that 30 more years of poverty would hurt me a lot more than my dying could ever hurt my friends and family. It’s important that they try to remember that and that just because others may be in the same boat doesn’t mean I still don’t have the right to do what I feel is best for me personally. If one is suffering, does it really matter if just a few people or even the rest of the world is suffering right along with them?

Tammy also said she’s there if we need help. That’s awfully nice of her, but how could she help if she’s broke, too? And what could she do? Buy us a house? Rent one for us? Get Tom a job?

“Same old shit,” I had told my mom on the phone when we were talking about what was going on.

“Jodi, I know what it’s like to go through shit. Remember the shit I went through?” she asked me.

But I didn’t, assuming she was talking about financial shit, something I don’t think she’s ever had to deal with. Then I later realized she was referring to having to have a lung and a breast removed due to cancer. I don’t know what’s worse – being in financial ruin or being sick. I guess misery is misery and no matter what form that misery comes in – financial, emotional, physical – it all sucks either way.

In the end, I’m the one that’s going to decide whether or not to take my life. Whatever’s up there can decide most of what happens to me while I’m still alive, but not even it can decide whether or not I live or die. That one’s up to me and me only. I have not made an official decision yet and I won’t be doing so till closer to the end of the year for reasons I’m not going to get into just yet.

I sat down and I wrote a list of the things I’m good at (don’t ask for a list of things I’m not good at because that would take me forever to write, LOL) and those things are writing, languages, singing, dancing (that is – uhem – with or without my clothes on), acting and dieting/exercising. But in this day and age, none of it can help us really get ahead in any significant way so I may as well suck at these things, too. Even if I could keep a schedule like most people, these aren’t things one can just jump into no matter how good one may be at them. There are better writers, singers and dancers out there that can’t get anywhere with these things no matter how hard they try. I’m lucky to have gotten as far as I have with these things myself, even if it wasn’t very far.

So Nane spent 1 hour and 44 minutes on my blog while the troll spent the better part of the day in it. Even Tom laughed when I told him she was in it for 10 hours and 20 minutes. I told Alison about it, and how it was no doubt because I mentioned moving to Nebraska.

Another vote on my poll. There’s no way to know who voted, but my guess is that it was either Christine or Nane.

And why didn’t I hear from Nane? Did the next 4 chapters she read make her angry or uncomfortable? Was she busy? Something else? I think this may be the week she goes to Turkey.

“Wanna hear crazy idea #4 that also won’t work?” I asked Tom when I got up.

“Sure,” he said almost jubilantly.

Eileen.

Eileen said a while back that she had an extra room if we needed it. Once again, we could sell almost everything and drive there, but it could be many months before he found a job, and would I really want the end result to be a rental in Massachusetts of all places? I like how they have universal healthcare there, but I hate the climate. I spent my first 26 years there, so I know how bad the winters are.

Exchanged a few messages with Tammy. I can’t help but think of how Tom and others believe my moods and emotions influence the outcome of things as well as affect others. There she was all mad at me for writing what I wrote in my journal about her in 2009, healthy, financially set, and threatening to fly out and take me to court over it, and now the poor girl is unable to walk, can barely move her arms, and is broke on disability. The disease she has started right after we had our spat and again it makes me wonder if I had an indirect hand in influencing it through my anger without even knowing what I was doing. Or is it just a coincidence?

She and Mark are also on anti-depressants. As I told her I was always against psych pills figuring they were no better than turning to street drugs or alcohol as a means of coping, and because of the side effects, some of which can be permanent and one of which I still have today. The doctor, of course, conveniently didn’t tell me about it until it was too late. It’s nothing major, just annoying. Nonetheless, if I were insured I just may be tempted to run to the doctor for my own dose of happy pills.

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” she said.

I have the will, but where’s the way? I’ve been looking for it for over 4 years now but still can’t find it.

Tammy also said she knows how we feel and couldn’t have described it any better when she said it was like a constant merry-go-round with no way off, but she and Mark won’t give up and neither will Tom and I. She couldn’t desert her daughters, she added.

Ah, but I’m not as strong as some may think I am and I have no kids to leave behind. I’m glad I am loved and in good health, but I still can’t stomach the idea of being trapped here forever, broke and dreaming of impossible ways out.

Speaking of who we’re trapped with, Tom was driving in when he ran into Jesse at the fork.

“What’s he do, stand there and wait for you?” I asked Tom.

He was actually working on the electrical box nearby. He gave Tom something to pour down the toilet to treat the septic. Why Jesse didn’t just pour it down his own toilet is beyond me. Don’t we all shit in the same tank?

I spoke to my parents today, too. Dad was sympathetic to our situation, and it’s not that Mom wasn’t as well, but when you get things like, “I don’t call you to tell you business is sucky,” it kind of makes you wish you hadn’t bothered. Still, they cheered me up a bit along with Tammy.

The only things that are better right now are my vision and our connection. Yeah, my new little pink kiddy glasses arrived. It’s nice to see better, but glasses are glasses and I hate ‘em all.

As for the connection, it’s still shaky when it’s at its hottest and the sun shines on the wires, but otherwise it’s been more stable lately. I don’t know how long it will last but I’ll enjoy it while it does.

The weather’s been nice too; hot and dry. It was around 100º today.

Why is my left arm stronger than my right arm when I’m right-handed? I noticed this when I worked my arms today. In the past, I’ve beaten some people at arm wrestling with my left hand that I was unable to beat with the right.

Guten Abend, Leute. :) In Florence, Arizona when I was thrown in jail for 12 hours and waited until my husband could bail my ass out of there, I couldn’t shake the distinct feeling that something was preparing me for something. A few months later I learned just what it was trying to tell me when I was sentenced for that “crime” and tossed in jail in Phoenix for a helluva lot longer than 12 hours. In other words, the message was, see? It’s not like on TV. They won’t all beat and rape you even though you will get hit on a few times and one crackhead that thinks she just had a miscarriage may want to take her frustrations out on you and scare you a bit, but you’ll live.

When the disaster struck in 2007 that nearly killed us I also had the same feeling; that something was trying to prepare me for something. When he got laid off a year later and before we knew we’d get enough benefits to survive on, I thought it was trying to prepare me for death, since I would kill myself before I ever tried to make it on the streets, something I know damn well I could never be tough enough to do. Anyway, I still have that feeling; that it was a preparation of some kind.

Before I get to that, once again I can’t help but laugh when I remember the beginning of the “cyber-friend” era. I would laugh at those who would claim to come to care for – even love – their cyber friends. I just didn’t get how that was possible with someone you never met. The idea of cyber friends – these mere electronic beings in space – seemed so unreal to me, almost like having imaginary friends. I totally would have passed out with laughter had someone told me years ago that a woman in Germany I never met would come to care for me – in some ways more than those I’m supposedly “closer” to – and I would care for her in return. She’s really been there for me and has let me cry on her shoulder and I really appreciate it. :) Yet despite having laughed at people in the past who claimed to care so much for their cyber friends, if I suddenly learned something happened to her I would literally collapse in a heap of tears. And if it was at the hands of another person(s) I won’t say in print just what I’d want to do to them.

But as much as I love my friends all in different yet similar ways, it might not be enough to stop us from ending it all if we continue to be trapped here with seemingly no way out, despite the crazy ideas Tom and I have thrown around at each other. Yeah, in case you’re just tuning in and you don’t know me well yet, my husband and I have been what you could call a couple of risk-taking adventurers. But after the last so-called adventure turned disastrous, I resolved to retire that adventurous side of me. But when you find that you’ve been merely alive and not living for too many years now, you tend to get a little crazy again at least in your mind with bazaar ideas.

As Nane said, Germany’s pretty much in the same situation as the U.S. In fact, Europe in general is. So relocating to another country with or without a husband that doesn’t have the knack I have for learning other languages, isn’t very feasible at all. Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to have Nane close by (I don’t care anymore that she smokes and is a travel freak. Hell, I’d let her drag my ass down to Turkey with her if she wanted to), and she too wishes I weren’t so far away, especially with the hard time I’m going through, but there are crazy ideas and then there are crazy ideas. Not that we ever take our true love/soul mate for granted or anything like that but yeah, it sucks I can’t run and cry on her shoulder in person at times! As I told her directly, just hanging out together and snuggling up on a couch or something like that would be so nice every so often. No hanky panky, just the closeness. But 6,000 miles is anything but “close.” So here are 3 of the crazy U.S. ideas we tossed around in order of most likely to the least likely.

Idea #1, Drive to Nebraska

While I was having an amazingly dreamless sleep Tom was researching job markets in various states. He wondered what state had the lowest Unemployment rate but still had enough people in it and he came up with Nebraska. Their Unemployment rate is just 4%. I have a good cyber friend there, Alison. She is very smart, trustworthy and reliable so I know I could ask her any questions we may have if we were ever dumb enough to try to pull this plan off, and I would prefer to go to where we knew someone at least somewhat well rather than no one at all. I believe she’s in the Omaha area. Oh, what that would do to the troll, LOL! She’d be more jealous of me than I could ever be of Jim.

Anyway, if we chose this crazy idea, we would only keep the computers, stereo, treadmill and our clothes. I like the idea of eventually getting new stuff since I prefer newer things to older things but am still not sure it’s worth it. It would be with the hopes of eventually being able to get on our feet and then drop down into Florida at some point in our lives as Nebraska’s climate would be absolutely miserable compared to this. I like how it’d be mostly white people which would make getting a job even easier since they’re getting first dibs on everything these days, but the thought of having to once again do motels and apartments does NOT sit well with me. I don’t know how easy it would be to rent a house there but it should be easier than here because I just can’t believe NE is as expensive as CA. I would have to ask Alison questions like this.

Idea #2, Fly to Florida

This idea would mean getting rid of virtually everything but our clothes and the laptop and flying directly to Florida with whatever we can get from the sale of the car and whatever else we sell like the big Macs, big screen TV, laser printer, treadmill, etc. We would then hope to cut some kind of a deal with the people I won the Italy trip from and see if we could get the credit transferred to hotels in Florida. I guess we might try to do this if we went to Nebraska, but I don’t think they’ll go for it. They were pretty adamant about disallowing cash substitutes, transfers and exchanges, and even if we could easily afford to get to any state in the country, we couldn’t just hang out on the streets till he got a job and us into a place.

I like the idea of Florida’s climate, but the Unemployment rate isn’t much better there and then we have the competition of the “minorities” again that really aren’t the minorities anymore. In less than a decade Hispanics will be the majority. Hmm…wonder if that means we whites will finally be able to have any non-white attackers that may attack us for being white charged with a hate crime just like they can and just like everybody should be able to do. For now, we’re lucky if we can even get them on assault charges when they attack us.

I could stand to give up most of our possessions either way. It’s just stuff. But it would hurt to have to give up the big Macs, stereo and treadmill. I don’t care about the TV or printer or even the collectibles, but those other things might sting a bit. Especially since the odds of us ever being able to replace them, since I won these things to begin with, aren’t good. It would take forever to save for replacements, that’s for sure.

Idea #3 Run to Mommy & Daddy

This is the last thing we’d do since A, they would probably refuse to help us, B, you can’t have guests under 55 in senior communities for more than 2 weeks, and C, I wouldn’t get any sleep. Trying to sleep in motels and apartments with a sleep disorder is bad enough.

The idea, though, was to send them a letter (that way we wouldn’t have to worry about the connection breaking up) and tell them that things aren’t getting any better here and we’d like to sell everything and fly to them. Then ask if we could stay in their spare bedroom while Tom helped them at the store. Even I could help with Spanish for those customers who are too lazy to learn English. We would pay for internet service so I could mostly work online like I usually do until we could afford a place of our own.

Once again, though, this simply wouldn’t work. I love my mom but she can be a real bitch to be around for a few hours, let alone to live with for an extended period of time.

Going penniless or close to it to any state is out of the question, as again, we could come up with the money to get there but not to live. We’d be homeless before he got a job and us into a place. No thanks! I would rather just stay in pesky Jesse’s old shitbox and listen to his damn mutts before I was homeless in even the most perfect of climates. But we’re really good at tossing around crazy ideas just the same.

We are, however, going to see if we can weasel a deal for a trip to Florida instead of Italy with the travel credit I won. Like I said, I don’t think they’ll go for it, even if it’s of lesser value, but we’re gonna try. It’s just that it wouldn’t solve all our problems. Even if they gave us unlimited free hotel stays, how would we eat? How would we get around town? How would we do anything else???

sighs It all seems to come back to the same two shitty options – stay here forever or die. :(

Not much else going on other than triple-digit temps for tomorrow and too much talk of 9/11. I’m not saying we should forget the tragedy that happened. We need to remember so we can learn from it and better protect ourselves in the future. I just don’t see why we must rehash it and dwell on it so damn often.

Anyway, Nane is super busy and is soon leaving for TR. She said to remind her to order my book, but as I told her, while I’d love to have my first Germany sale, it’s just an edited version of the story she didn’t like as much.

Wow, I’m both shocked and flattered that Nane and Mitch read the first 3 chapters of my story and liked it! Mitch is usually pretty critical but he found no problem with it and Nane referred to me as “talented” and said she liked it better than the last one which she admits she hasn’t read much of. I’m flattered and I appreciate her wishing I wasn’t so damn far away so she could talk me out of my “foolish” plans or at least stall them.

I would first like to say something about the tough and depressing situation I’m presently in. Our car is physically capable of driving us from California to Florida. We have enough left of the cash and gas cards I won to dump our shit, jump in the car and go. But after getting in the jam we got in back in 2007, it’s not that simple. One really needs at least 10K to make a big move safely. So yeah, we could up and go to Florida, but then what? Where would we stay until he got a job and where would we get the money needed to get into a place? Hotels cost a fortune, even the cheap ones. So it’s not that easy since you can’t get a job overnight and most rentals want first and last month’s rent and a deposit, too. Neither of us cares to lose everything and be homeless for the many months it could take to get our feet on the ground there, warmer climate or not.

Here, the heat rages on in the 90s, but it’s only a matter of time now before we drop into the 50s and below – ugh.

Anyway, hearing from Nane and Mitch really put a smile on my face which was all the more appreciated in these tough times. For a minute I wished I hadn’t come to have such good friends, not just because Wales and Germany are too damn far away, but because it also puts my emotions in a bit of a tug of war when I think of dying and leaving them. I love my friends dearly; even more than my own family. Yes, I’d rather spend a week with Nane than my own sister and a week with Mitch over my parents since my mom can be a real bitch at times, but I also have to consider the welfare and happiness of my husband and me at the same time. I hate to hurt my friends and family, but I can’t guarantee 100% or make any promises as far as surviving these tough times because I don’t know that I can or will. I’m just going to try to enjoy the moment while it lasts. That’s really all I can do no matter how much time I may or may not have left to live. If we do choose to end it no one will know how, when or where that will be. You’ll just have to look for our obits on legacy.com if all online activity from me ever ceases to exist for more than a week or so.

Like any other human being, I really do want to live and be happy and be in the driver’s seat of my life. I don’t want to give up on life, but life has given up on me and now the economy, as well as other circumstances beyond my control, is in the driver’s seat of my life. I have tried and tried to grab hold of the wheel, but it seems no matter how hard I try it remains forever out of reach.

Nane had said she wasn’t ashamed to be able to take vacations after working her ass off for 30 years, and she shouldn’t be. But it is absolutely heartbreaking to see my husband work just as hard just and just as long and this is the shit he gets for it. Despite all his experience and hard work, he is constantly passed over for the younger, darker-skinned people of this twisted country.

It’s ironic that I spent so much of my childhood dreaming of living here. Then one day, when I least expected it, that dream became a reality. Who would have known I’d one day end up trapped in the place I dreamed of living in and wishing I could get the hell out?! I almost feel teased when I gaze out the kitchen window at the car. It’s almost like the car is waving and saying, “Hey there. :) I can take you to Florida. Only you can’t go, hahaha!” But seeing how any dream I am lucky enough to obtain turns into some kind of joke, maybe it’s for the better that I am hopelessly stuck in the most populous state in the country where every 1 out of 8 of us are jobless.

I have searched and searched in my mind for a reasonable way out of this little old dump, but I simply cannot see any. Oh, sure we’d be free to go and comfortably and safely make the move to Florida if I won 100K, but I’d say the odds of that are next to nil as good as I am (or used to be) with winning. I can only “influence” so much. But Hanes has been supplying my panties for over 3 years now, LOL. Yes, I do well at winning their socks and even better at winning their panties like I just did. Not sure how I managed to squeeze my ass into a size 5, but I guess all the physical training is paying off after all even if I haven’t yet learned (especially before periods) to keep my damn mouth shut to the food as often as I should.

Anyway, Tom had a phone interview, but at this point, it doesn’t really matter if the September job dream was indeed a premonition or not because we’d still be stuck here. Call me selfish, call me spoiled, but I just can’t accept the idea of being trapped in this tiny old trailer indefinitely with an efficient but drunken landlord who won’t shut his damn dogs up when he takes off on weekends. I just can’t! I know there are worse places to be stuck in, but I really, truly would rather be dead than be “sentenced” to life in Jesse’s trailer. As much as I’d miss my friends, pet rat and hobbies, there would be some good to dying now as funny as it may sound. If we go now we wouldn’t have to struggle for another 30 years or so. I have also always hated the idea of watching Tom grow old and having to stand by helplessly and watch him die and then have to die alone. He’s 8 years older, we don’t have anyone to help us when we get older, and women usually do live longer than men.

No matter what happens, I hope my closest friends know that I really do love them and appreciate the time they’ve given me. Sometimes it’s those we least expect that end up being our truest and most accepting friends. Nane, Maliheh, Mitch and Christine have never once denied or made fun of my sleep disorder or anything else about me. I don’t think they care that I’m hyper, short and fat (even though no one else seems to think I’m that fat). Yet those I’ve known forever and that I would think would be the most caring and supportive have done nothing but put me down. Damn, I wish Nane was down the street and Mitch was up the street! And of course I miss the hell outa Maliheh, too. Maybe I’ll get to “see” them from the other side if I really do end it.

I’m confused about the pension policy. We were just talking about it and I guess he may never have been eligible after all for a lump sum, or maybe he was before they made some changes right around the time he left AMEX. He’s sent away for the paperwork that will hopefully tell him exactly what he’s eligible for and when, but I still don’t expect it to tell us what we want to hear. I’m just sick of the money teases! The horses, the partnership, his mother, the pension… and now I’m supposed to believe my own mother when she says “it’ll be ok” when she was hinting at an inheritance? Well, that’s really nice of her but I’d rather she just live. I know she can’t live forever, though, but she still has a good 5-10 years left in her, I would think, and I’m sure something up there will take that from us, too. As it is I worry they’ll get our social security next. So right now sticking around doesn’t look likely. This is a huge and devastating blow to us.

Oddly enough, however, I didn’t wake up in the horrible mood I’ve been waking up in where I just want to throw the blanket over my head, return to sleep and never wake up. I don’t know why. Nothing’s changed. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, for I know it’s only a matter of time before the depression returns and I’m once again in a fit of tears.

Tom went to the mail place today and a guy who works there was sitting outside and was so glad to see him. LOL, the guy didn’t have his key. He was so grateful that he gave us a free month.

Andy’s still checking out my blog. Why? If I’m such a lazy excuse queen and what basically equates to a liar, why bother?

Anyway, I’m not as sluggish and as depressed now that my period is just about over, but I’m not exactly wide awake and dancing for joy either. I think I’ll go back to taking multivitamins. Maybe that’ll perk me up. As for being happier, well, that’s something only whatever’s up there can help me with at this point since we’re doing all we can do on our part, but it seems whatever’s up there has better things to do. To believe that God helps those who help themselves is to believe that I’m really a tall, blond with brown eyes. I know we can’t help what we believe but I’ve still got to laugh at those who dare venture out at night in a dangerous neighborhood so sure that God “has their backs.” Why should they assume that? He didn’t have the backs of the kid who was beaten to death for crying too much, or the woman who was in a deadly car accident, or the guy who acquired a deadly disease, so what makes them think they’re any more special?

Tom has officially begun investigating the so-called pension fund and the results, if he can ever find anyone to tell him anything, will be a true test of just how accurate my prediction is of us being destined to be poor all our lives. After all, it’s only the bad dreams/vibes that seem to come true. That’s why I haven’t gotten any win notices so far this month, nor has he gotten a job; because those dreams were just wishful thinking.

So far I’m continuing to appear to be right on with the poverty predictions seeing that he can’t even find a number to call to see if he can find anything out. We’ve had our hopes jacked up for nothing on account of money enough times in the past for me to have much hope where the pension’s concerned. And I know it won’t be “alright” like my mother said. Meaning I don’t expect an inheritance of any kind either. It’s totally unreasonable to think that my parents, in death, could help save us or make our lives any easier. We’ll never again be able to rent a real house anywhere at any time, let alone own.

What will we lose next, our retirement fund and our social security? Maybe that gut feeling I had that something was trying to prepare me for something (like death) back in 2007 was correct after all. It’s sure looking that way at this point.

Only one of you needs to be at least 55 to rent/own in a Florida adult community, but I don’t see how we could ever afford to rent a real house there or anywhere else ever again unless it was a dump in a city in a state less popular. Sort of like Klamath Falls, Oregon. Life really is for the rich. Meanwhile, we poor folks don’t stand much of a chance to get in on much excitement and do much living. Just existing. That’s all we do is simply exist, day after day, month after month, year after year. Of course there’s still always the chance there’s a few grand in the pension account; enough to keep our sorry existent comfortable for a while, but not enough to make any major changes in our lives. I doubt it, though. I think something up there likes knowing our only alternative in life is to stay here in this little old shitbox.

Nane’s disappeared again but Irene is back from Italy, so I found when she dropped some cute hearts on my wall. She said she had a good time.

Tom just gave me an update. Ugh, I was right. :( We were supposed to have the option of a lump sum of about 20K when he turns 55 next year or monthly payments of $200. But now they’re saying he can’t get a lump sum at any age and that all he can get is the payments at 65 or seriously reduced payments earlier. In other words, we’re not getting shit and after 5 years of being right about predicting we’ll be poor all our lives, I will continue to be very correct about that one.

Maybe the reason I had a suicidal character in A Rainbow in Munich is because of how much I could relate to “Rainbow” and her pain and misery. Only I’m going to make sure no one saves me when I go to take my worthless life for I do not want it saved.

Tom doesn’t want to leave me to die alone, so the first night it’s cool enough, we’re outa here. I’m sick of the world, the system, and everyone else shitting on us with their false promises and the way they hold us back in life in various ways. I’ll be damned if I’ll struggle in someone else’s old shitbox to the tune of our drunken landlord’s dogs until we end up starving to death cuz they’ve cut our retirement fund and social security, too. We were just as deserving and willing to work as anyone else!

If you’re up there, God, I’m sorry you hated me so much you felt I deserved to be abused by my mom while my dad looked the other way. And I’m sorry you felt I deserved to be abused even more in the “places” you allowed me to be sent to. Lastly, I’m sorry you feel my husband and I don’t deserve to have much of a life and a piece of the so-called American Dream in some peaceful modest little house somewhere where we didn’t have to worry month after month about how the hell we were going to survive.

I could go on and on about how fucked up, twisted and unfair the world is and how much I’ve come to hate this country and the people running it, and then I could go on and on about why 45 is actually a great age to die when you really sit and think about it.

There are so many little reasons to be glad we’re almost outa here on top of the big pic of lifelong poverty, never getting what we want in life, and having me have to watch Tom grow old and die and then die alone myself. The end of the month would be perfect too; I’d get to miss out on the cold, we’d never have to pay Jesse another month’s rent, and I’d never have to have another period. Here’s a list of just some of the goodies we get to miss out on:

1. No more struggling to get the little things we need or want to make life more comfortable, ex: body pillows, ink carts, glasses, etc.

2. No more money teases - horses, jobs, inheritance, lost pensions.

3. No more barking.

4. No growing old and developing physical problems and not having anyone around to help us.

5. No more weight worries/struggles.

6. No more hassles of dying hair regularly and dealing with curls.

7. No more fucked up DSL.

8. No having to worry about my family getting me back east for my parent’s funerals.

9. No more having to be put out by my schedule curse.

10. No more worrying about the car breaking and not having a backup vehicle.

11. Being able to get a good laugh out of the guilt our deaths will put on some people like the queen and Miss Perfect. Wait a minute, are they even capable of feeling such a thing? It’s still funny anyway.

12. Knowing that unless God/negative cloud fucks with us worse in the afterlife, we will finally be free of any more curses.

13. You don’t have to worry anymore about jobs or having any evil bosses/coworkers and a job you hate should you ever have gotten another one.

14. No more longing for my old sex drive and longing to be “normal” sexually despite my age or attracted to women, etc.

15. My ear and teeth can never bother me again, nor can my joints or other things get any worse.

16. No more PMS, periods, menopause, fatigue, anger or depression.

17. No more wishing we had more space, plugs and full-size appliances like washers/dryers/dishwashers.

18. No more being too short to reach things.

19. Not even the “little dreams” and goals were possible like encasing the dolls, so no more of that shit.

20. No more having to see you put out by sleeping on such an uncomfortable piece of shit - don’t tell me it’s “ok” - or having to lose out on other things, big or small.

21. No more cold weather.

22. My eyes couldn’t get any worse.

Hola, gentes. I have been fighting a severe case of depression which is why I haven’t been writing as much lately. I don’t know how I fell into such a deep well of depression but I guess that when each month nothing changes for the better I sink a little further, and it’s been so many months now. I wanted to float back up to the surface and climb my way back out, but now I’m not so sure I care anymore. This depression is so miserable to live with that it’s simply no way to live at all. I really think my days are numbered and so I’m going to just take it one day at a time but continue to live as if life will go on as usual.

I really wanted to live and be happy and achieve my goals and dreams in life. I was willing to do whatever was physically and mentally within my means of doing in order to reach these goals, but instead I have failed at every single thing I ever set out to do in life. Well, almost everything. Obviously, I eventually succeeded in quitting smoking. But it seems that most of the time I either fail to succeed, or when I do manage to snag a goal/dream it isn’t long before it turns into some kind of nightmare I didn’t plan on it being or it slips out of my grasp completely. As my husband who loves me, Tom is always going to tell me I’m not a failure and I’m not this awful fluke of nature destined to fuck up that now not only wants to die but feels she deserves to die. Yet no matter who tries to tell me what right now I can’t help but feel this way. I haven’t been this depressed in years. I’ve always been against prescription drugs for treating emotional problems, especially after what happened to me with the Navane. I always felt it was no better than turning to drugs or alcohol, but at this point, I just might consider antidepressants in the near future if this shit doesn’t back off. Then again maybe the only way to get rid of it is to kill myself, IDK.

Tom said I’ll feel better once I get my period. Well, I’ve got my period. It came today. And while I’m not as fatigued or as depressed as I have been, it’s still lingering a bit.

Except for Nane, I’ve been hearing less and less from my friends. I blame myself for that as I know most people don’t want to hang out with those who are down in the dumps. I thought about saying I was ok and that things were going well, but then I’d be lying and I don’t want to do that just so people can have happier journal entries and messages to read. Remember, it may not be much fun hearing from someone who’s unhappy, but imagine how they feel. The only thing I can say for sure is that I will never again attempt to explain my sleeping disorder to anyone else ever again! Some people get it or at least say they do. Others just freak out over what they don’t get and haven’t experienced themselves and automatically go right into denial mode.

I don’t know if it’s all due to how shitty my life is, being on the rag, or if something else is wrong with me I don’t know about. The depression, the forgetfulness, the fatigue – it’s driving me crazy! And if I don’t figure out how to fix things soon I’m going to go off the deep end for sure.

I gained back the weight I lost like I do every month when that old PMS hunger kicks in. I don’t know what makes me so damn hungry during those times but I need to eat nearly twice as much as normal so that’s part of why I keep going around in these endless cycles with the weight. That’s ok. I don’t mind being a big girl. I am what I was meant to be. I’ll still keep exercising regularly but I’m not going to worry anymore about the extra weight. I’m just not going to be able to do much bodybuilding without being able to clear the fat. I can do some with the 25 extra pounds, but I won’t have as much of a ripped look as those who can clear the fat have. You just gotta have the right metabolism for weight loss and I ain’t got it.

We’re hoping to know this week just what may or may not be in the pension fund. Tom’s gonna really start pushing them for info starting tomorrow. Knowing that and what the age requirements are for rentals in Florida senior communities is going to hinge on my decision to either continue living a life I don’t want to live or just end it all. I still expect to be poor throughout most of my life no matter what. I would just prefer not to live most of it in Jesse’s little old trailer.

There is some good news in the mix and that’s that I had another big win dream, so I know I’m looking at another goodie coming up. I just hope it’s something we can use. In the dream, I won $1500 worth of baby gear I knew I could sell, but I rarely win what I dreamed of winning. It could be anything from $500 cash to a $1500 shopping spree somewhere. Chances are whatever it is is valued at no less than a grand.

No calls about the job with the new dumbed-down résumé (I still think it’s his age and color that’s hindering him). This both surprises and doesn’t surprise me. I’m surprised because it was for shit pay. Doesn’t God want us to be poor? I mean isn’t that the whole point here? But it was for a permanent position too, and after 4 years without one, I’d say that’s a definite no-no as far as what’s allowed in our cards these days. Really, I can’t see him ever working a permanent position ever again in our lives. I still say he’ll get just a few weeks here and a few months there till he’s old enough to retire and then maybe we can get the hell out of this tiny old trailer and away from Jesse’s dogs and his fucking motorcycle and other shit.

But that’s questionable too. I wish I could say I was happy and that things are going well, but I feel anything but happy right now, PMSing or not. I’m very depressed. I feel drained as hell both physically and mentally. And totally helpless. I slept 12 hours after being exhausted all day yesterday yet I’m still exhausted. Tom thinks it’s a combination of PMS and the intense workouts. Could be but maybe it’s that I’m tired of life and living. I just don’t want to live feeling like I’m this puppet on a string destined to act out this script and live a life I don’t want to live.

Nane said not to give up on life and that maybe he’d get a job tomorrow and maybe my next book would be a best seller (I’d probably win the lottery before the second thing happened), and well, a lot of people tell me maybe this will happen and maybe that will happen. But there’s only so long I can go on living on maybes that never happen. I feel like I’m only allowed to exist, but not live. I also still feel like something up there sees me as this undeserving piece of shit that must be denied every single dream she could ever have. Something that has enjoyed sitting back and allowing so many bad things to happen to me in my life.

I feel so unaccomplished and inadequate. Just cuz I’ve learned a few languages and written a few books doesn’t mean I’ve accomplished much in life. Really, I feel like such an accomplished loser and that all I’ve managed to “accomplish” is fucking up!

Back when I once wanted to be a big-time singer I wasn’t surprised that wasn’t meant to be. That was asking for a bit much, wasn’t it? But then I wanted to be a mom and when I saw I couldn’t even get that, that’s what made me believe that it didn’t matter what I wanted. As long as it was me that wanted it, it would be forever denied me. I eventually became glad for various reasons that stardom and motherhood never happened. But then one day I dreamed of living in a modest, simple little house that wasn’t a mansion but that wasn’t puny either, nor did it include the sounds of other people’s animals. I thought that maybe – just maybe – it would be possible to achieve since this was my first material dream. But no. Anything I long for must remain forever out of reach; far-fetched, reasonable, materialistic or “normal.”

I must also continue to be one of life’s little flukes of nature who can’t have a normal sleeping schedule, a normal job, a normal sex life and do things most people do like get in a car and drive it fearlessly. Oh, and I must, must, must love and lust other women who don’t feel the least bit of attraction or feelings for me in return.

I was reading a friend’s post about how she doesn’t get why God punishes people like by letting their babies die while He rewards those who wreak havoc on people’s lives just because they can. Well, maybe I just need to be an ass of sorts and start dumping on people a bit. Not to the point that they’re harmed or that I’m breaking the law, but maybe if I’d be a little bit meaner and pick on someone just for the hell of it, better things would come our way. Or maybe I’d simply be unable to do so because of the guilt I’d feel. At the same time I’m getting more numb with age I’m also feeling things I couldn’t feel before when I was younger and guilt is one of them. Oh, I’m not as compassionate as most folks out there. Don’t get me wrong. If someone shot Jesse’s dogs right now most people would want to shoot them. I’d want to send them a thank-you card. So I ain’t all sugar and spice and everything nice. No way. But to me, there’s a difference between picking on people and forever silencing dogs that drive some of us crazy for a good 15 hours a week or so. So if someone said to me that so and so was a real jerk, go pick on them, I don’t know that I could. I’m just not 25 anymore. I’m not even who I was a couple of years ago.

What I don’t get is why I keep dreaming of the troll lately.

Tom just said the color toner cartridges have finally run out on the laser printer I won a few years ago. So maybe in 5 years, we can afford to renew them. At least they lasted 3 years.

In reality, I am becoming more and more forgetful and wondering why. Is it just age? Because I do so much? Something else?

In my imagination, he turns 55 and doesn’t have a job worth hanging onto, if he has one at all. We find out there’s more money than expected in his pension fund. We buy a toy trailer and head for Florida. Then after he gets a job we rent a nice little house in a peaceful retirement community where dogs are household pets and not left outdoors for hours at a time let alone around the clock.

Yeah, see what a wild and active imagination I have? He is gonna start pushing for information, though, as to just how much – if anything – we can expect to receive. I’m guessing that if there’s anything at all we’re only looking at 3 to 5 grand. He thinks there’ll be something, but has no guesses as to how much it could be.

If by some miracle there’s a hell of a lot more than I think there is, then we need to find out the age requirements for Florida’s senior communities because if it’s 65 for both people, we may as well stay here. I will not live in the mainstream ever again unless it’s out in the country like we are now. But there are no rural areas of Florida unless you want to live in the swamps with the alligators. No thanks! I would really rather stick with Jesse’s dogs and fleet of vehicles than add the car stereos and the screaming children to the mix.

So much for thinking the exercise was giving me energy and stabilizing my moods.

First, there’s been no activity on Andy’s Formspring page at all. He hasn’t answered the daily questions or changed his background.

I know I shouldn’t laugh at Tom, but when you covered 3 miles between 3-4 MPH and burned 320 calories in an hour it’s hard not to when you see him walk for 20 minutes at 2.5 MPH, LOL.

I am really starting to look athletic - yes! Only problem is all I wanna do is eat. :(

And why have I been exhausted ever since my workout? Is it because of the extra half hour? PMS? Something else? I almost feel drugged. That’s part of why my entry’s so late today on top of having so much to do.

Over the last few days, I’ve had such wonderful chats with Nane and we have become immensely closer with the distance, you could say, even if I still doubt we’ll ever meet and it’s mostly just for fun.

What was funny was how shocked and amazed she was when I “saw” some things about “Jim” in my dreams. His age (49) and other things as well. Although she says he really seems to love her and she loves him, she did say she was flattered I seem to think I like her so much even though I don’t know her, she likes me a lot, I seem interesting, and am fun to swap messages with. In other words, she’s not as into me as I am into her, but that’s how it’s always been with the hotties that are with it. I still think, though, that if I were her only choice or she was alone and lonely and I was available to her she might go for me then if only for sex. Still not sure I could picture us in a relationship, though I can picture it just fine in my stories and my imagination.

It was so funny because yesterday she was like, what’s a DP? You and your abbreviations! LOL, I told her DP meant dream premonitions. Yeah, her and her Turkish, too!

Tom was laughing about it and suggested I don’t use that particular abbreviation because it’s a sex abbreviation.

“For what?” I asked him. “Dead pussy?”

Then he told me it stood for double penetration but I’ve never heard that one before, LOL.

Love how she said she read the review on my book and that she thinks she’ll order it. I wonder if she realizes it’s not a real book and that a friend of mine left the review after she bought a copy herself.

I asked her if today’s Germany visitor (missed by TIP) was her and she said no. The beginning of the month is when they’re at their busiest at work, so she didn’t have time to surf. So now I’m back to thinking the mystery Germany visitors aren’t her. If that’s true, then she’s only visited my blog twice.

I left a wall post saying Irene’s death toll was up to 43. She thought I was talking about her friend, LOL, just like I thought she was talking about her when she asked about Hurricane Irene. Anyway, she thought it was some game or something at first. Then she added that I probably knew how they met and that she was really cool to hang with in New York, but has changed a lot. I’m kind of surprised she left that on her wall and I wonder what she meant by it, though she did remove it later on. I asked in private but she hasn’t answered. And now it’s the weekend, so I don’t expect to hear from her till Monday unless Jim has the early shift again.

I don’t want to get into any details yet, but Tom may have a job soon. And ironically it’s September. As I mentioned months ago, about a month after he got laid off last March I had a dream that he wouldn’t be back to work till September. It’s also ironic that the day after Nane said, “Maybe Tom will get a job tomorrow,” when she was telling me not to give up on life, he gets this interview.

It’s funny because not even a day after I threw his work shirts back into the bedroom closet to try to “jinx” things, and less than an hour after applying online, they called him for an interview. I just wish America would get off this trip of hiring the youngest person with the darkest skin first!

The job seems “perfectly shitty” enough for him, though, and totally the kind of job whatever’s up there would like for him to have, I would think since something’s so hell-bent on seeing that we remain forever poor. The job is close by and would be a permanent position, but it’s only part-time and wouldn’t pay well. It would be comparable to what we get from Unemployment. The government would still have to pay for our food. As Tom said, though, he’s become bitter toward the world, so why not let the government buy our food while he has more free time? I agree with him! If the government can give millions to other countries, why not float a couple hundred our way for food?

The weight is finally starting to come off! I’m losing inches faster than weight, but it’s slowly coming off. I feel so much better. Less sluggish/moody. Miss Teri sure was right in saying 30 minutes of working out would make a difference as opposed to 20 minutes. I asked her if going to an hour would make even more of a difference. I wasn’t sure since one’s body can make changes only so fast, but she said it would make a huge difference. Working my arms and abs adds a good half hour or so to my daily routine as well.

I think that once I got it through my sometimes thick head that no, you really can’t have certain foods, especially starch and sugar, it really helped. I try to stick to foods high in protein and have a lot of meat, fruits, veggies, eggs and a little dairy. Getting rid of that high-cal coffee creamer helped, too.

Thank God I love walking and running. If it bored me as much as bike riding I’d never get fit! I still have a lot of fat to kill, but I’ll kill it. :) It will just take several more months to do it.

There’s this Facebook application in German that Irene got me started on where you answer questions about your friends. I’ve done them in Spanish and Italian before. Not realizing it was putting it on people’s walls, I got a kick out of how Sharyn “liked” my “yes” answer to “Do I think Sharyn’s in love with me?” LOL, so I guess she knows a little German.

Jesse now wants the rent in cash, further evidence that he’s trying to hide the fortune he makes off of us to try to get on disability. That’s ok; I’d do the same thing. I just wish he’d start taking responsibility for his damn dogs when he’s not home. At least I should be asleep throughout tonight’s racket. :)

I won a book yesterday and if I don’t start winning more than piddly little crap here and there like I’ve been doing lately, I’m not renewing my sweeps subscription.

Seems like just yesterday I was waiting for summer to begin and now it’s September already. I hate September. Not as much as I did as a kid when it meant having to return to school, but I hate it because it’s the onslaught of cooler weather and half a year of one fucking holiday after another. :(