It used to be that I could at least count on not having to listen to the canal dog’s shit late at night, but not anymore. I honestly don’t see how the hell the owners can sleep through these late-night barking fits. Obviously, they’re scared of someone in particular or just the world in general and this is a guard dog. Why else would they keep it out there to make such a racket and basically ignore it?

But this is how it’s going to be everywhere I live, so why can’t I just get used to it? I simply wasn’t meant to live anywhere quiet. The bamboos and horseshoe may’ve curbed the neighbor curse, but the dog curse is still the same problem it’s always been since moving out west.

I exchanged emails with Denise again, and yes, I am getting the Hermione Granger doll for $100. She’s regularly $120 - $150. She’s going to send an invoice tomorrow and the doll will go out Monday. I mentioned moving to Sacramento and she said she’s a little over an hour north and would love to see me in her store. So would I, but with no less than $300 at hand, and that doesn’t look promising. But this is the difference between Tom and I. I’ve smartened up, and being the psychic that I am who knows what’s in her cards money-wise, she knows better than to get her hopes up for money. Yet sadly, Tom’s still vulnerable and gullible to God’s joy of playing with his head. He loves to tease us with money, that’s for sure. Almost as much as He likes to keep us living where we don’t want to live!

I’m wondering two things about my weight. One, perhaps I have maxed after all. I’ve been eating more than I should for nearly half a year now yet I’m still in the 130s. But since I have been in the 130s for a while, this brings me to another thing I’m wondering, and that’s whether or not my metabolism may’ve reached another turning point in its life. Maybe the 130s will be the new norm for the next decade instead of the 120s. It makes sense too, considering the fact that we gain a pound a year after gaining the initial 20-40 pounds most of us gain when we hit our 30s.

Again I had a dream about being a movie extra. Only instead of having to swim around in a huge pool, they actually had me say something, so I was a little more than an extra. I remember talking to some guy in his office who asked if I’d had any acting experience. I said I’d never acted professionally or had any training, but those who know me agree that acting is my best ability, and I agree as well. He said something about not cutting my hair and losing some weight. Then I asked how often rehearsals would be and he said once a week. I remember being a little worried, knowing that while I could keep a biweekly schedule, I was unsure as to whether or not I could keep a weekly schedule. I must’ve had some confidence in myself because I didn’t say anything about it. I simply took my script, whatever that was, and left the room.

When I woke up I wondered if there was a message in these dreams. I’ll have to research the subject some more because it does seem like a fun thing to do. On the other hand, God doesn’t like me doing what I like to do, so I’m sure that if I had to work it’d be because we were so damn broke that I had no choice, in which case I’d do something more dependable like housekeeping.

They have sweeps for winning roles as extras or bit-parts. I just entered to win a die-on role in a sci-fi movie.

Emilie arrived today, and when I saw that Esme wasn’t with her, I began to worry. To describe Emilie first, she wears a white bodysuit with jeans, a gold belt, gold sandals, and diamond earrings. It’s a bitch getting things like shoes on without glasses as my eyes are getting so damn bad! I miss my old eyes big time!

Anyway, when I got up this evening, there was a message from Esme’s seller saying they tore their store and warehouse apart, but could not find her. Then they made me a few offers to make it up to me. This turns out to be a good thing because I’ve been wanting this doll from the Harry Potter series - Hermione Granger. She’s more expensive at $125, but I’m hoping she won’t be much extra with the discount they’ve offered if I want a more expensive doll. Tom said not to worry about additional costs; whatever it is we’ll pay. I’m waiting to hear back from them which I figure won’t be until tomorrow. I could actually thank Esme for hiding. Esme was nice, but Hermione’s way nicer! She not only has nice hair and a nice face and a gorgeous gown of lavender, violet and magenta, but she’s sculpted differently than most Tonner dolls. She has detail around the neck area and more realistic hands. I’ve been wanting her big time ever since I saw better pictures of her at the same site I was to get Esme from.

I’m also stealing 7 hardcover books by mail since we’re moving soon and I could use some new books. Not just to read, but for credit at a used bookstore down there. Only Jodi S didn’t order them, Jodina S did.

Lastly, we made a small Yves Rocher order because they were having good deals. One of the free gifts included an umbrella that he needs. His old ugly black one broke, so soon he’ll have a nice new sky blue one. I got mostly samplers for myself so I could get more for the money. I got mostly perfumes, shower gels and lotions, as well as sparkling pink lipstick and some incense. Not surprising, I suppose since I just love the stuff, even though I still have a ton of incense left.

The weather’s warming up a bit again, and although it’s still freezing at night, I’m still finding baby spiders in here. I guess they’ve made up their minds that it’s their time to rule and no amount of cold is going to put their lights back out till next fall. I’m just glad we won’t be here!

I sent Paula a letter, but as usual, I don’t expect one in return. Just messages to call her so she can make sure she’s not even there to answer.

Tonight I won a $30 stainless steel coffee thermos in an instant, and he got a shirt in the mail.

Oregon’s back to being how it usually is – cold. We even had some rain and a dusting of snow. The good in it is that it’s killed any spiders that were born recently and kept things quieter. It’s been too cold to sit at this computer late at night. When I can’t get this room up to 70º all I want to do is dive under my comforter with a book. It’ll be back up in the 60s in just a couple of days.

I got sick of sleeping with the mask so I darkened this room up again. It’ll still be ideal for motels. Just 65 days left here!

I won Tom an Arby’s gift certificate which is his favorite fast food place like mine is KFC.

Paula called and of course we had to play yet another round of hopeless phone tag. Justin said she was with some friend named Joanne.

If we really do split on June 1st, then we now have 69, almost 68 days left here. All I’m going to miss are the summers and the lack of blacks in this place!

I’m not going to have a damn bit of a problem with leaving this place messy and dirty either. Not just to make them work for our $450 deposit, but because they should’ve had the decency to pay to move us when they sent us that bitch and her dog. We specifically said “no dogs,” and “no obvious noise sources,” and while they may’ve had no choice since the laws favor people like that while we don’t have any noise protection rights of any kind, they could’ve at least paid to move us. Either that or give us a discount on the first month here. I’m just worried about what God will put us with in Sacramento. Will it be blacks? Mexicans? Both? I just hope to hell they don’t go giving them yet more rights! Especially about being called racial slurs cuz they’ll take advantage of that one big time and call the pigs on anyone that pisses them off, claiming they called them a racial slur. The pigs will automatically side with them, too.

Although I still haven’t heard anything, I did see the dog across the street a few days ago. I wonder what they’ve been doing to keep it quiet when they let it out. I wish someone would do something about the fucking canal dog, but while the neighbor curse may be lifted, the dog curse is definitely not. The question is, did the bamboos and or the horseshoe have a hand in protecting us from bad neighbors here? Or are these neighbors just a fluke? I’d need a few more neighbors to say for sure, but right now I’d have to say it’s a fluke and that we’ll go right back to having to live with the same loud, rude and obnoxious assholes that just can’t shut up for one minute. While whites may make bad neighbors too, because most people are rude, inconsiderate and hard up for attention, the minorities are by far the worst. They simply cannot stand to be ignored and will do everything and anything to get in people’s faces and let them know they exist.

When I sent Ashton-Drake a message asking what was taking so long with the exchange for Tiny Miracle Jasmine, they replied saying they hadn’t received the cats back that I returned, but for the sake of client relations, they would credit our card. This was nice to know. I had them cancel Jasmine, though, saying that we’d be moving in 8-10 weeks, right around the time they expect her in from the manufacturer, and I don’t want any delivery mix-ups. I said I’d place a new order sometime in the future from the new place. Instead, I got a basic Esme doll on eBay from a place in Chico which is in NorCal. She should arrive around the time Emilie arrives from Arkansas.

Got my incense from the stickman. The dumb cock still has himself set up to reject email or else I’d have gotten my top choices that he’s been too lazy to put on his list. Instead, I got some secondary choices, but the stuff’s still good, and he gave me 75 sticks rather than 50.

Tom was nice enough to let me order a doll with his $50 winning ticket. I went to order my first Marley doll which is Tyler’s little 12” sister, but they were sold out of the basic one I wanted, and so were other sites, so I’m getting the NYC Ballet basic brunette. She’s a little more, though, at $64, but we’re going to be so broke for so long that I’m determined to live it up while I can. This is an Emilie sculpt, one I don’t have yet. She wears her hair in a ponytail and is in a long-sleeved jersey with jeans and sandals. She has a gold chain belt and earrings, too.

Last night I won 5,000 points at Netwinner and am now just over 20,000 points. With 5,000 more points, I could get a $25 Walmart card, but I’d rather wait and accumulate 100,000 points so I can get a $100 card. Besides, these cards take many weeks to get and I don’t want to get one here that may not get forwarded. I want to wait until we get moved and get a new address.

I slept with the mask last night and it wasn’t too uncomfortable. It’ll be ideal for motels. Tom would drive me crazy with the TV flickering when I’d be trying to sleep, and with opening and closing the door when the sun was shining right on it, so next time around I’ll be able to block that out. If only sound was as easy to block as light is!

Four years with the Iraqi war and what have we got to show for it? Too many damn Iraqis still standing!

He won $40 on one scratch ticket and $50 on another, but TUT’s still a bust. I don’t think it’ll make a difference because you can’t make be what isn’t meant to be, but Tom wants to try doing a money spell together. He thinks doing it together would make a difference since we did do the one in the duplex together and that one seemed to stop one unusually bad thing after another from happening to us, along with the help of the bamboos. The upcoming move will be the real test as far as that spell goes, along with the bamboos. We’re going to be jobless and homeless again, and he’s going to be making half of what he makes here in a place that’s twice as expensive. Can the spell and plants help protect us against an evil God determined as hell to see us suffer??? Or will we lose everything this time around and be stuck in the past, living in dumps with neighbors who can’t shut up, using upside-down boxes as furniture, scraping pennies, etc.? Could God hate us that much? Yeah, He could. It’s sad but true. We start over, we start to get ahead, He kicks us back. The question is just how far back He’ll be wanting to kick us this time. Meanwhile, He’ll continue to bless our families with more and more money and luxuries, never letting them get the tiniest taste of what it’s like to have to do without. Hell, we don’t even have a fucking refrigerator right now!

It’s 70º out there now and the stereos are maddening. I almost wish it would cool down again just to shut them up till we have to deal with that shit year-round in California. Mostly, though, I don’t want it warming up too soon while we’re in such a dump of a house that’s so open to spiders.

Tom got me a foam mask to sleep with so I could brighten up the bedroom in order to have the bamboos in here. Because I left the darkening shades up behind the blinds for privacy, the room’s still a bit gloomy till the afternoon sun hits the side of the house.

I emailed drugstore.com and they said they do deliver Claritin to California, so that means it is over the counter there. So 4 months after we get there they’ll make it a prescription drug. Either way, we’re down to just 76 days or less to go till we get outa here!

Two good things happened today, and two not-so-good things happened as well.

The good thing was that I hit 3 instants in a row even though I forgot to bring the bamboos in here. They’re nothing special, though. Just a disc case, a PSP movie we don’t have a PSP PlayStation to play on, and a $20 Office Max gift card. The gift card would be nice to get, but I don’t care about the case or movie.

The other good thing is that although he’s only up $7, he bet on 9 races and two scratched and the other 6 all won. He would’ve won all but one had he been here to change his bets on the two that scratched. We’re still a long way from being able to bet big, but I’d rather the slow way than no way.

The bamboo’s energy seems to linger a day or two after they’re moved away since Tom didn’t start doing bad the instant I moved them out of his room, and I won the instants today. But they do start with their wonderful influence the instant you bring them back! Tomorrow I’ve got to remember to bring them in here before I hit the dailies. I still don’t see us ever getting rich, but if I can turn CDs and T-shirts into bigger wins, and if he can gain a few bucks a day rather than lose a few a day, then that’s certainly better than nothing.

The first bad thing is that they made him work overtime, and you know how much he hates his job. We walked to the store and got some of the usual things, as well as this caramel-flavored Pepsi that just came out. It’s pretty good.

The second bad thing is that Randy’s gone. Someone else delivered today and I asked if it was Randy’s day off and the guy said he was gone. I said that was too bad and the guy said that while a lot of people liked him on this route, he’s gone to another route. Also, he didn’t know who the new regular would be, but that someone would bid on it. Having once worked at the post office, along with his brother David, Tom explained to me that he probably didn’t know he was switching routes until today, which would explain why Randy never mentioned it. I’d think he’d have said something about it if he knew it was coming. Tom said he probably bid on an easier route that wasn’t so hilly, but that they don’t post the new route openings until they’re actually available, and of course, those who have been at the PO longer get first dibs. I wonder why he’d have bid on this route in the first place. Maybe they begged and pleaded with him to take it. I just hope whoever the new person is doesn’t fuck up before we leave.

It’s a real bummer. All the good people leave! The only difference between the 3 people that will always stand out in my mind when I think of Oregon (there’s been 1 for each year spent here) is that Jane liked me, I liked Liz, and Randy was a way cool friend. They’ll definitely be the top 3 highlights of Oregon. The druggie waitress falling all over me, the hot-looking cashier I wished would fall over me, and the jolly old mailman.

The weather’s been incredible! I know the spiders are waking up, though, just by all the shiny screen decorations I’ve been seeing. It hit 69º yesterday and right now it’s already 58º yet it’s just barely after noon. I was able to sleep without heat last night and as of two hours ago, the gas heater shut off for the day. Ah, to be saving money this early in the year! I just hope we don’t need to put the AC in before we go, though I don’t think this warm spell will last. After all, it is still only March and this is still Klamath Falls. It’s going to be insanely noisy in a few hours!

Maricopa’s to be 89º today; too hot. Sacramento’s to be 81º, and of course Springfield won’t get over 56º.

Someone left in a car I’ve never seen before from the side next door, though there wasn’t any music. I’m a little worried that the warmth will bring out the worst in them, so I’ll just be glad we don’t have much time left here and that the dog across the street has been gone. That’s a first too, as they don’t usually leave before we do.

Tom and I both agree that my sweep wins have gone down lately and so have his horse wins. After thinking about it, it hit me that this is the way it’s been since none of the bamboos have been by our monitors. I figured they’d do good things for us no matter what room they were in, and although I still know we’ll never get rich, I put two by my monitor and two by his. They definitely seem to help us more the closer they are to us, and the more the merrier, so we’re going to get more as soon as we can once we’re moved.

Another pattern we’ve noticed is that his racing days seem to start off good, then he ends up behind towards the end of the day after he’s bet on about 15-20 races. It’s like EFO can only predict so many winners at a time before it starts fucking up. Again, I know God won’t let him succeed, but it will still be interesting to see the outcome of today’s 9 races that he bet on with the bamboos close by.

His shoulder was acting up last night before I put the bamboos by his monitor. Not long afterward, the pain subsided.

It’s amazing how a plant can put out such good vibes! How can it do that without a brain, I wonder? I also wonder if there are plants that do just the opposite and curse people. Well, if there are, I know I’d never want one! I’m only keeping the bamboos in here while I sleep, then I return them to the living room. It’s just that the bedroom’s too dark to keep them in here. Tom’s going to pick me up a sleep mask I’ve been wanting anyway. If that’s not too uncomfortable to sleep with, then I can brighten the bedroom. I do like bright sunny rooms when I’m not sleeping anyway.

Later…

It’s too soon to say that putting the bamboos back made a difference, but instead of EFO losing two days in a row, it broke even today. His shoulder’s been ok today so far, too.

Well, I can’t say I’m attracted to Randy, but there’s something about him. He’s just so way cool. In the end, it’s him I’ll miss the most. If someone had told me that when I left Oregon, it’d be the mailman I’d miss the most, I’d have laughed royally.

With the weather being so much nicer I sat out and waited for him when I saw him across the street. He said something about my sitting out waiting for him. Either it was “surprising” or “nice” that I was waiting for him. I think it was “nice.” Then I teased him by saying that I heard it was to be 120º this weekend. He first said he thought I was nicer than that, then said he couldn’t take that and that the summers here are almost too hot for him.

The clocks went ahead early this year because of that global warming thing. Today’s to be in the mid-60s. All the snow has melted and I hope to hell I never have to see it again! It’s never gotten this warm this fast here. I love it except for the bugs that are starting to come out, and of course our little attention-getters are enjoying it immensely. And also, of course, no one will do a damn thing about it.

Tom got me this shampoo by Herbal Essence that straightens hair. I’m amazed at how much straighter it is. It’s not as straight as Liz’s hair was, but it is noticeably straighter. The only thing I don’t like is that it’s a bit frizzier, too. Before I had been using their shampoo that smoothes and does a good job as well.

I’ve really come to dig Randy, our mailman. He’s a very friendly dude that’s become sort of like a friend to me. I hope we have a mailman as cool as him when we move. I teased him by saying that he better watch out because the post office may transfer him to Arizona, and he looked horrified at that idea. He can’t take the heat and so he likes this climate. I wondered for a moment if he even liked me, but nah. I’m 41 and fat and guys are pretty picky about that. I can see myself digging him if I were single and straight. He’s tall and skinny, though he is older. I first thought he was in his 60s, but I think he may be in his late 40s or early 50s. I’ve nicknamed him Batman because of the cape he wore the other day when it rained. It did look sort of funny, though not in a bad way. Tom said he once delivered where he works and someone laughed at the way he was dressed. Then someone else said to be nice to him because he’s a Jehovah’s Witness. They’re the ones that believe those of the right religion will one day be resurrected to forever live a perfect life on earth while those of the wrong religion will simply stay dead. The sun ain’t gonna burn forever, though, so that sort of shoots down that theory, doesn’t it?

I’m swinging onto days which sucks. I like it better on nights when I can go into the kitchen without getting barked at. What’s really going to suck about living attached to others again, since it’s just like being in a separate room of a big rooming house or something, is that I’m going to want to be up at night when it’s quieter, yet it’ll be too noisy to sleep during the daytime. That’s how it was in the duplex the last 4 months we were there, and I’m sure it’ll be that way again soon, making this house seem like it had been oh-so remote. But I won’t miss this microscopic shoebox of a dump either!

I’ve been trying not to think about how much I miss our old house and all the space around it. I don’t miss Arizona or the shitty life we had down there, but I sure miss being in a newer place on acreage. I’ve been feeling so much like a lost soul lately. This must be what they mean when they speak of lost souls that can’t quite make it to the other side. I just want to go home, but there is no home for me!

Sure enough, we couldn’t order the Claritin because Oregon is one of the states they can’t ship it to. It may be an over-the-counter thing in California, but so what if it is? They’d just change that after I started using it again. I’m so fucking sick of living a life that belongs to the government or God! Now Washington wants to ban “boos” from high school sports, that’s how controlling this country is. Next thing you know you’re not even going to be allowed to say “hello.” It’s ok, though, I don’t mind staying big. It may not be as easy to get around with all this weight, but it’s all I’ve known for years now and it will help when some asshole that can’t shut up in the apartments is stupid enough to shove me like Bonny did or threaten me like Barbara did. I prefer peace, but it’s going to feel so good to be able to do what I so stupidly didn’t do for various reasons the last time I dealt with people like Bonny, Barbara and Nancy. I’m going to love seeing their looks of utter shock when they see that yes, someone shorter than them really can and will fight back, and maybe it’ll protect someone else in the future. Of course, it’ll be me defending myself, so God will see to it that I get subpoenaed for it. Ah, but this time I won’t be playing court with anybody! There are so many people I wish I hadn’t cowered down to that I know I would and could hurt if I had been like I am today when they threatened me, but maybe God was actually doing me a favor by having me be a wimp for a while. Yes, the accumulation of threats made me more aggressive and angrier, but think of how many jail sentences I’d have served by now before I stopped answering to court calls! But things are different now, and like I said, I’d prefer for people not to provoke me in any way, but as soon as one does I’ll be ready for them, male or female, and I don’t have to be a big tough guy myself. All I need is good, quick reflexes and one hell of a temper, and I’ve got these things. I also get mad a lot easier than I get scared, so submissiveness is something they won’t get from me. That fury, along with speed, eye contact and blows to their faces and necks should be enough to do the trick as long as no one shoots me, clubs me on the head from behind when I least expect it, or is much heavier and pins me. I’m also willing to be hurt as well. I’ll have to as no one can slam their fist into someone’s face as hard as I’ll need to and not get their hand messed up.

Got the rest of my incense today and they did a great job. So it took just over 6 weeks. Not bad with the way they broke it up and sent a little at a time. I’ve had to wait longer for less with Incense Galore.

I also got my first good win in a while. It’s a Swiffer wet/dry mop and it does a great job of cleaning hairs off of floors. It’s way quicker than vacuuming. Hairy floors tend to be hard to vacuum anyway cuz the exhaust from the vacuum blows the hairs around.

We still have a lot of snow. Too much for next door to be driving in and out beside the house, but it’s starting to melt as a warming trend begins to move through.

The damn snow never ends! It’s supposed to be back in the 50s in a few days, so I hope some of the shit melts then. It’s been so cold that I can’t get this room over 65º. The stereos have been somewhat limited, but the canal dog just gets worse and worse each month. I still can’t believe no one complains, if not about the racket, then about it being left outside in such horrible weather.

Well, my naïvely and unrealistically optimistic husband doesn’t think so, but I think they’re going to start him off at minimum wage or very close to it. One almost always has to start at the bottom and work their way up anyhow. Every job he’s ever gotten since I’ve known him was that way, and I don’t see why he thinks it’d be different this time. Ah, but I’m going to beat God at His own game this time around and refuse to give in to poverty by sitting on my ass and just accepting it! I may have no choice but to accept that we’ll never get rich, but this time, instead of struggling our asses off and giving Him a good laugh while we’re at it, I’m determined to get work housekeeping at a motel or hotel near wherever we live. I don’t like the idea of being demoted to where I was 20 years ago – housekeeping and living in an apartment, but if that’s what I have to do to supplement our income, so be it. I’ll just have to remember not to let myself get caught up on my sleep on my days off because that’s how I get all messed up. If I can’t catch up by going to sleep earlier, then I obviously wasn’t as tired as I thought. Remembering how it was when I was in school, then at the Harley Hotel, I can say that it usually took me until the afternoon to wake up. I’ll miss being home and I’ll be exhausted, but why sit at home, listen to all the noise around me, and worry about where our next meal is to come from? Or simply that we won’t have a penny left for us after the expenses are paid.

One thing I know I won’t do this time around is take people’s shit like I did at the Harley, but part of that was my fault for being social like I was back in those days. This is why I’d like to go for housekeeping; because it’s easy to get hired for and you usually don’t have to deal with as many people. At the Harley, I’d see others at lunch and on the morning and afternoon cigarette breaks. Well, I don’t smoke now so that only leaves lunch. Meanwhile, I’m not going to play the games people love to play. I’m not going to discuss personal matters that aren’t anyone’s business. I’m not going to debate politics. I’m not going to be involved in any pranks. And I’m not going to mix business with pleasure. At least not in the ways I used to.

Robo makes sweeping so much faster that I should still be able to do that as well. The point is that together we shouldn’t be making much less than 2 Gs a month, so even if the cheapest 1-bedroom apartment is $600, we shouldn’t have just a few hundred bucks left over to worry about how we’re going to make last the month once the rent’s paid for.

I just hope Tom’s right in assuming we could get a place on Unemployment in the first place. I would think most places would want you to have a job. I’m just not sure if I want an apartment or a motel since these are our only choices. They both have their pros and cons. With an apartment, you wouldn’t have to worry about pesky housekeepers, but people don’t usually bring their stereos, or their 6 grandkids, or their 16 siblings to motels. Either one would suck, but this is all our lovely God feels we deserve.

I’m torn between wishing I could accept the life I don’t want, which is all that’s in store for me, and wishing I could get up the nerve to kill myself. I only haven’t because of Tom, but when I think of our bleak future and read headlines about how New York wants to make it a crime to say the N-word, while an Australian judge ruled that it’s perfectly ok to make gay slurs like a radio broadcaster did, and how only gay-bashers are protected by the bullshit freedom of speech laws, I don’t want to live in such a world as this. I not only thought I couldn’t hate God any more than I do today, but I thought I couldn’t hate people more than I do either. They’re just so backward! I hate almost everything about everyone. There are just so few accepting, non-controlling people out there. Everybody’s got zero tolerance for everybody else, and everybody’s so damn determined to change people, too! The world is just too twisted a place for me. Why have “freedom of speech” laws if some of us can’t say what we want? If they can slur us, why can’t we slur them? Instead, if we get slurred on the job or wherever we’re on our own with absolutely no protection whatsoever.

I think the fact that most of them are still broke goes to show that it is indeed their choice. Especially since job discrimination is virtually non-existent these days. If anything, it’s discriminative in their favor, so Tom better hope some “minority” isn’t applying for the same job he is since he’d never get it. Not even if he were the one who was more qualified.

I see the tables turning within the next few decades the more blacks steal our rights. The more rights we lose on account of them, and the more the laws favor them, the more fed up we’re going to eventually get, and someday we’ll riot and fight back just like they did. It may be the wrong way to fight back, but it’s perfectly understandable, too. The more people are shit on, the more they want to attack, not caring if the person’s innocent or not and didn’t do a damn thing to them personally. So the more rights they get protecting them from even a simple and silly thing such as a dirty look while we’re left to fend for ourselves when they shit on us at a time they know they legally can, I’m sure there are a future white Rodney King and black Reginald Denny waiting to set a similar example, only it’ll be white against black instead of black against white.

I can understand some of their warped behavior, believe it or not. Hey, if I were suddenly a rich, famous black person or a judge, I just may kill someone that pissed me off too, if I knew I could get away with it. Why stand around and argue or try to reason with them if I could simply shoot them? If you give someone the role of God, they’re going to gladly play it!

Last night I dreamt I was living in California and working as a part-time extra in movies or shows. Now that sounds like it ought to be a fun job! I’m not a fan of anybody’s these days and I haven’t been since Charlie’s Angels, but it would be neat to get behind the scenes to see what it’s like. One of the good things about being an extra is that they don’t fire you if you can’t make it to a particular shooting, they just pull the next name on the list. I thought it might be nice to look for ads in the Sacramento area, but since when has God ever let me do what I want to do?

I was an alternate winner at the Incense Rack this month. The 3rd prize winner didn’t respond in time, said the stickman, who’s currently down in Florida and doesn’t plan to return till around the 9th. They probably felt that paying $5 to ship 50 sticks of incense wasn’t worth it, but I’d like to have some of my old favorites like Angel, Bump & Grind and Hugo Boss. Hopefully, he won’t be out of stock on these, but I gave him Cotton Candy, Chocolate and Black Henry to use as backups just in case.

The last of my Silk Splash order – I hope it’s the last of it – is on its way via UPS. Guess they’re really starting to try to save money! This won’t be here till the 5th, but the big Nikita doll should be here in two days. So there are to be 6 more packages in this damn state, excluding surprise wins. Two more incense packages, two more dolls, that thing to debark dogs which will hopefully be effective in California (although if we’re in an apt. dogs shouldn’t be an issue unless the building’s up against the yard of a house), and Claritin. Yes, I was pleased to discover that drugstore.com will deliver to Oregon! Since the government likes to tell people what they can and cannot put in their bodies, I did some research and found that we could order it from them. It’s actually the Claritin-D I’m after. I’m 134 pounds so this should snuff my appetite enough to let me get some of this bulk off. I’ll put it right back on, but it’ll be nice to have even a temporary break. I’m still not ready to just give up rocking and let myself go.

I’m trying a new experiment which seems to be working well so far. Since oil burners give off too much smoke and warmers are a pain because you’ve got to remember to keep the water level up, I’ve taken a warmer for a Glade-scented cartridge and shoved a cotton ball in it that I doused with watermelon oil. I plugged it in in the living room since I’m burning incense in the bedroom. It’ll be interesting to see if it works well with a milder scent that’s not concentrated and to see how long it lasts. This would be an awesome way to scent the rooms if this works!

Here goes Kim getting ready to head out to work. Sounds like she’s scraping ice off her car. At least she’s not playing music. In fact, I haven’t heard her music in a while.

We’ve canceled our DVD subscription to save a little extra money.

I just want to get the hell out of here! I’m so excited to move on and get where it’s warmer, but I dread having to experience the poverty and the chaos all over again, and I’m sick to death of starting over! Always, always starting over. But it’s so in our cards and it’s never going to change, so I may as well accept it. Meanwhile, my surprisingly naïve husband still thinks we’re going to get rich. If so, where’s the money? I still haven’t seen any yet.

I thought of another thing that’s going to suck about going back to apartments. They don’t have “apartment buildings” in the west, they’re all complexes here, and there’s always something going on. Landscaping, roofing, painting. They’re noisy even when the neighbors aren’t.

Tom’s so fed up at work that he’s getting ready to quit. Last week they used him for free overtime. Because it was a holiday week, they were able to work him overtime without having to pay him extra. It’s like he was back at BOA, working overtime for free!

Later…

I wish I didn’t have so many worries clouding my excitement of moving to California, but I just know God’s going to take the opportunity once we’re vulnerable to really fuck us over good. I am not looking forward to being jobless and homeless again! But we both agree we don’t want to stay here either. I couldn’t resent God anymore if I tried for allowing others to live so well while we struggle most of our lives to live like bums. What did we do to be less deserving? I commented to Tom how I wished we could stay at the same place for as long as Miss Perfect and the queen have been at their places, and he said that he’s not sure about Miss Perfect, but the queen hated her old house from day one, and that she chose to settle for being miserable in order to have the stability and security I wish we had.

It’s rather sad to know that our only choices in life are to keep hopelessly struggling to live where we want to live which certainly isn’t meant to be or to just learn to be “comfortably miserable.” But these are our only choices. Therefore, since we have virtually no chance of losing a place the more we hate it, I’m going to let God demote us in life and kick us back into the past for the millionth time by having our only choice be to live with others again. But this time, once we’re in an apartment, we’re going to stay there even if by some chance we do one day have money again where we could rent a house. If God wants me to be miserable and if my life can’t be mine, fine, I’ll just stay cooped up in an apartment and listen to the stomping, banging and music around me, on top of the screaming, the landscaping, and all the projects going on within the complex. I’ll let them wake me up and I’ll deal with them banging on the door, but in the end, I’ll know one thing – we couldn’t end up homeless and starving this way! An apartment is our only hope of security since we can’t own anything. So while we may never be free of mortgage payments, at least we won’t have to worry about losing a wild apartment.

Speaking of starving, I’m tempted to forget about ordering the Claritin. I think that maybe if I’m going to try to adapt to living in cheap rowdy apartments, I should also stop trying to stop gaining weight. Just when I think my metabolism can’t get any slower, it does. I haven’t been going crazy for a couple of weeks, I’ve been exercising, yet I’m still climbing. Slowly, but surely. I’m 135, and again I have to ask myself if losing weight is worth it if it’s just going to come right back. I still may get the Claritin, though, to help when the money runs out and we can’t afford to eat. I still say they’re going to start him at $7 or $8, but Mr. Naïvely Optimistic here thinks they’ll start him at around $10.

I may not even go to the dentist when and if that’s possible. Part of learning to live poorly means I shouldn’t be taking advantage of things like that.

If only I were deaf! That would be half the battle right there. I could be a city girl in the dumpiest of apartments forever, though I would still feel the vibrations of doors slamming and shit like that. Oh well. If there’s any good to people being the selfish, disrespectful, loud, rude assholes they are it’s that I don’t have to worry about being quiet for people who have no concept of the word in the first place. I simply couldn’t respect those who didn’t respect me, though I’d have to be quiet when Tom was asleep.

It just really depresses me to know that the rest of my life is basically going to be one big settlement just like it always has. I try not to think about it. If I do, I may end up bawling my eyes out and that’s what God wants; to see me hurting. Well, I’m not about to give the bastard the satisfaction of seeing me break down in tears! I know what’s coming to us, there’s nothing we can do about it, so we may as well accept it.

Strange how it’s so easy to get into places we hate, but virtually impossible to get into places we want to be in. Shoot someone on the street and you’re in jail in an instant. But try to get back into a modest house on some acreage, and you’re asking for a miracle!

Saying that I’m not going to let the freeloaders scare me from speaking my mind may be easier said than done. When I remember how Andrea at the Vista reacted to the complaint about her 16 wild siblings, and how it only made her go from bad to worse, I wonder if perhaps we should just sit back and take whatever shit people dish at us. People are just too damn sensitive, immature and such sore losers.

Even if they did have stereo ordinances, what good would they do? You can’t complain about the ones that drive by every few minutes, just the ones sitting around, and those are the types of people who are bound to react the worst. Those are some of the most defiant little fucks on earth. The only way to curb the stereo problem would be to stop selling the damn things in the first place and make them illegal to own, but in our twisted and totally backward society, that’ll never happen.

In better news, I got the Nikita doll. Although she’s a little anorexic, she’s beautiful. She and the mannequins will be the first to go too, once we’re forced to sell things thanks to the “friends and family” God’s blessed us with. For now, I’m going to enjoy her. I like how she’s affixed to her stand which is a white piece of wood. Her party dress is nice and colorful and I like her accessories, too.

Other than the incense, I’m still winning piddly crap. I work so hard to win so little! Maybe if I were lazy God would shower me with all kinds of money. But nah, it’s just not in my cards no matter what I do.

We’ve been having highs in the 30s and we ended up with a foot of snow. What’s even worse is that they’re saying it’s to snow all week. Argh! I can’t wait to move! They say Klamath Falls has never before gotten two snow days in a row, and that it’s caused by the global warming that’s going on. I guess global warming will make cold climates worse and deserts rainier. The ice is melting on a lot of North Pole glaciers, and they’re saying that in about 50 years they may be able to sail across the entire North Pole. But how it will affect more temperate climates like Sacramento remains to be seen. I shouldn’t have 50 years left in this damn world anyway, thank God!

Later…

The Ashton-Drake doll and cat came today. Although she’s way overpriced and a little small, the doll’s beautiful. That is, in heavyset Emme’s outfit. Her outfit was fine except for the dull brown and gray colors that were in it. Now she’s in lavender silk slacks with a matching lace camisole.

The cat and nursing kittens, however, weren’t that impressive so they’re going back. Instead, I’m going to get a 10” black baby doll that’s very realistic looking with micro-rooted hair.

Speaking of blacks, the ones that aren’t made of porcelain or vinyl are pissing me off again. “Virginia apologizes in slavery role,” said the headline. I only skimmed through the article, but I was like, for what role? There’s no one left alive today that made slaves of the fucking assholes! Who apologizes to the gays? I asked Tom. He said they’re about to pass a federal law prohibiting discrimination against gays, but I’ll have to see it to believe it. Either way, isn’t the fact that blacks get more rights apology enough for something that no one alive today had a hand in whatsoever? Hell, the state of Oregon should apologize to us for getting so damn cold! God should apologize to me for simply allowing me to be born to the people I was born to! Or the least He could do is allow us to have money. Nothing could undo what He’s let others do to me or to Tom, so I don’t understand why He can’t at least have the decency to compensate us financially so we can live where we want to live. Haven’t we done it His way long enough?

Someone next door is named Thaddea. UPS accidentally delivered some pricy organic teas they ordered. Since neither of us is interested in them, Tom’s going to reseal the box and give it to the UPS guy when he sees him tomorrow at work so he can get it to them. I just hope he hasn’t given them any of our packages!

Thaddea’s email was on the invoice and I couldn’t resist confusing her by sending her an email saying: How’s the new place? I hear it’s noisy down there. When I talked to him he said there was a dog that barked non-stop across the canal. How are you otherwise? We’re fine. We’ll visit soon.

Then I realized she may have or may get a piece of our mail with my name on it and know who sent it, but oh well. What can she do to me for it? I just hope she doesn’t email me or come over cuz I don’t want Tom to find out about it. He’d be paranoid for life! Hopefully, they won’t make trouble for us, but those that make trouble for us make trouble for themselves as well, so we’ll see.

Anyway, although they sure look Hispanic, and I was pretty sure that was Spanish I heard them speak a couple of times, the name hardly seems Hispanic. Perhaps it’s Indian. Indians and Hispanics tend to look similar, and it would explain why there aren’t 100 people over there or why they haven’t been a constant problem. Besides, not many Mexicans would work as much as they seem to. Either way, I think the only reason God hasn’t used them as instruments of torture against us is that I moved my office and He knows we’re moving soon enough anyway. If we were suddenly the owners of this place with no intention of moving soon, then all would change.

Just when we thought the worst of winter was over, we get slammed with enough snow to make anyone go California dreamin’! There’s a good 4-5 inches out there. It’s been keeping the stereos to a minimum, but not the dog.

Still nothing but piddly wins. Maybe I’ll win something good I can have someday soon enough.

I haven’t been doing anything to lose weight. I work out when I can, but I can’t diet until I can get a hold of something to check the hunger. Maybe someday people will put their energy into figuring out how to weed the calories out of food, rather than what kind of break we can give blacks because their ancestors had it rough.

Today we lost $8. We seem to go back and forth, so I told Tom not to bother reporting to me unless I ask. I’m sick of hearing one day how we could’ve won $900, then hearing the next how we lost $8. And I’m sick of God teasing us!!! But He’s not going to string me along and play with my head anymore on this issue. I know I’m not allowed to have what I want in life and that I must settle, so there’s nothing to tease me with anymore. He can keep us down, but He cannot keep us here in Oregon! That’s for sure. For the millionth time, I’m wondering if I should pray for what I don’t want. It may be meant to be anyway, but it’s the only way I feel like He’s on my side and listening to me. He hears me when I ask for what I don’t want, then goes deaf when I ask for what I do want. So maybe if I prayed for poverty and noisy neighbors and quit trying to fight Him on these issues He so desperately wants me to have to deal with every time I move, He’ll lay off for a while. Tom says moving to California is actually a step up and that there’s no real security here because they’re doing so badly at work, but the company hasn’t folded yet. All I know is that my life isn’t mine to live as I see fit, so maybe it’s time to just resign to that fact and go with the flow. What else can I do anyway?

We’re now shooting for April as far as moving goes. To think that I could be moving to California, something I could only dream of and fantasize about in the past, in less than two months, is pretty mind-boggling!

EFO had a good day today, though we certainly aren’t rich. We would’ve won $900, though, had he bet $24 on each of the 20 or so races that he only bet a buck or two on. He says he needs to discipline himself by waiting until he has $500 from little wins built up before he goes betting big time. Until now, he’d win a little, then try to go for the big bucks and lose what he’d won. I no longer see these potential big wins as encouraging, though. I see them as teases, but I won’t even let God tease me anymore with them. I’m sick of Him teasing us with money, so I’m just going to accept in my mind that we’ll never have money and move on. Meanwhile, Tom still thinks we’ll be rich someday. I still think he should keep at it just because he has so much fun with it, but if by some chance I’m wrong, it won’t be anytime soon. Maybe if we suddenly loved this place and he liked his job and we had no plans to move, then we might win more. But we need money for the move and the more we need money, the less we get it, so we’re going to have to go down with not much more than the Unemployment and hope for the best. At least we’ll have the Unemployment. When we came up here, we not only didn’t have the bamboo, but we didn’t have any income coming in. By the time the RV was bought, we had barely 2 grand left.

The past always comes back to haunt us, so I’m sure we’ll end up in an apartment. While there’s no such thing as a quiet apartment, the good thing about the apartments there, according to Tom’s research, is that you can rent them on a month-to-month basis. They do have 6-month leases too, which is good. I was worried that like with back east (it could’ve changed by now, though) we’d be locked into a place for a whole year. Although it’s more expensive overall, they even have dumps like this for the same price. Since we can’t have our cake and eat it too, meaning a nice place and plenty of extra money, then yeah, I’d still take the dump and the extra money before I took a nice place with nothing left for us once the necessities were paid.

As Tom pointed out, if EFO never does any better than it has, even though he thinks it will, and he gets a job at $10 an hour, then it’d be like having a job that’s $13 an hour after you factor in the EFO winnings. This is what he makes right here, too.

We’re going to research to see if God forbid someone may’ve cared enough to have any ordinances on car stereos in Sacramento set into motion because if by chance we have any rights and could do something about it other than killing the assholes playing them, we want to know about it before we go back to having to deal with that shit in the ways we had to in Phoenix. Then that’ll just leave the barking to deal with, but that’s a hell of a lot easier to drown out with fans and music as long as the damn thing’s not literally right against the wall of our place. And I’m not living with basketball hoops again either!

Tom did some checking and was surprised to find it only costs $30 to rent a trailer to move us with, and just $125 to rent a newer, more comfortable, more reliable truck for a few days, too. 300 miles sure beats 1100, but that’s still a long haul for such an old piece of shit. So the mailman may get it after all, though I won’t tell him that till we know for sure. Once we get down there, we could get an old piece of shit right away. So getting there shouldn’t be a problem, it’s surviving there that I’m worried about. How can I not be paranoid after what happened when we first came here to Oregon? Yet this time around we’ll be armed with something we didn’t have when we came up here and that’s the bamboos. Even Tom agrees we probably wouldn’t have fared so badly had we had them upon coming up here.

So while the horseracing thing is still proving to be the bust I knew it’d be in November, I do at least have that Nikita doll on her way! The seller did come through after all, and we both agreed that for the sake of our reputation on eBay, I should buy it like I said I would as soon as it was listed. So Jade will get her packing box after all as well since I figured the outer or inner box would be ideal to move her in. Jade’s 32” and Nikita’s 33”.

I checked and saw that they jacked their 10-packs up a quarter to 75¢. Tom thinks they may still have trouble, but we’ll see.

Got 20 more packs of incense today in which the mailman left two rubber bands around, along with the other mail. This is because I thanked him for all the rubber bands in my little note to him, saying how they’ll help with packing and moving. Anyway, two of the bags didn’t have labels on them so I have no idea what they are. I’ve been getting so carried away having fun with trying out all the new smells that my lungs have been tight lately. Especially since I’m in a smaller room. I’ve been making a point of leaving the doors open to air it out a bit, but being such a tiny house, it doesn’t have much space to branch out in and then it only bothers Tom.

Later…

And they just keep on fucking up. But at least this time it’s in my favor! Kepa said I could consider those blank bags extras as he didn’t remember any unlabeled bags. Then he asked me for a list of the labeled ones I got so he could cross-reference them with the list of the ones sent for that day. He was then able to tell me what they were and said he’d send more with the labels they had there. There goes another buck on his part!

I told him we were moving to California in a few months and that was why I did such a big order. I didn’t want to just try new scents but to stock up as I expect to be broke for a while. I also told him I understood if he wanted to cringe every time he saw an email from me, but that once I got settled down there, I’d order more often, but in smaller quantities. He replied by saying that it’s okay, it only teaches them that they have to account for things like this, he’s just worried I feel I had to wait so long, etc. I told him I’ve had to wait longer before for other things, and that it was good that he broke the order up. I know he may’ve lost money on it, but this way I could have fun sampling some and look forward to knowing more was on its way, etc.

Anyway, in both good and bad dog news – the dog in front hasn’t been around, so that’s good. But the canal dog has been a nightmare. I can’t even stand to be in the kitchen! I can’t cook in peace, I can’t eat in peace, I can’t wash dishes in peace, I can’t even put the damn groceries away in peace! Every few minutes off it goes on a barking fit. How in the world can the owners and people who are even closer to the fucking thing stand it??? It’s insane!

The racing’s going just okay, though he’s been trying different things with the way he places bets, programs, codes, etc. He even thinks my spell is working and that it’s just taking effect very slowly like the one we did at the duplex. Well, I’m not yet convinced about the spell, and as for the racing, I still say it’s going to do okay here and poorly there. It just doesn’t go with what’s been in our cards as of yet; having money. You don’t curse someone financially for so long just to let them one day have a ton of money. We’re not exactly doing too bad right now, but look how we have to live in order to do okay – like a pair of bums in a dive. Never can we have a nice place to go with the money. As much as I hate to give up the security we have here since he hates his job too much to ever be lucky enough to be let go, we both agree that this place sucks. There’d be no benefit in staying other than that we could go shopping regularly. Other than that, it’s too cold, too small, too old, too open, too tilted, too noisy, etc. The only thing I listed that we can’t escape is the noise, but even if I’m right about us struggling like hell once we leave here, can our next place really be this bad? Our best bet is still probably going to be an adults-only trailer park. I don’t like the idea of living in a tin can where I can’t sing without an audience, and that lets sound in like not even this place can since there’ll still be barking and music, but as always, God will decide for us where we should go. Not us.

Today Andy would be 45 years old. I wonder if he still looks younger. I wonder if he’s still even in Arizona, and if so, is he still alone and flitting from one meaningless job to another? Is he still a pothead? If he is and if he’s in Arizona, I hope to hell he never gets caught!

The shitheads next door just surprised me by leaving quietly. I’m amazed. Let’s hope they keep it up.

Tom just got in and drained the cooler we’ve been using. He’s been buying blocks of ice and they last a surprisingly long time. This way we can get refrigerated/frozen stuff.

Randy, the mailman, left a note asking if we plan to sell our truck, and if so, let him know. I’m not catching him as much anymore now that my office is in the bedroom and I can’t see out the window, but I’ll leave a note letting him know that if we do sell it before we move this summer, we’ll let him know.

The Mexicans traded in the old white pickup for a nice new dark green SUV to haul the cement mixer with, so we saw on our way back from the store. And I’d bet just about all my stuff just what kind of stereo is in it, too! But they would die for anyone over anything, so even if they knew someone would shoot and kill them over it, they’d keep right up with their shit till they were killed, though we haven’t heard it yet. Another month or two and I’m sure they’ll be a nightmare. Then in a month or two after that, we can trade them in for a new nightmare where it’s nice and warm.

One of them was on his way up this street as we got onto it. I knew it would go next door, and it did. It entered the side door, and some chick was out front smoking yesterday.

Yesterday, Todd, the FedEx driver, waved to us as we were going to the pizza place, a place we hadn’t been to in a long time. Then he dropped a package off at the house for the boss and Tom took it in to him. Guess he had too many packages to deliver. You know you live in a small town when a driver drops off your boss’ package!

Speaking of packages, I’ve got a package on its way to me today, then the final one ships tomorrow, or so they say. No wonder they’ve got to up their prices. That’s 5 packages and no doubt more than what we paid for shipping! Tom’s probably right when he says they’re probably sorry I’m the charter member with how much money I’ve lost them.

Tom says he’s still 99% sure he can make a few hundred a day if he continues to develop his program, though he does admit that if it’s not happening by June when we go to leave, then it’s not gonna happen. I’ve known since November that this thing is just going to make a few bucks here and take a few bucks there. Of course, it would help if the stormy weather could lay off and the horses could quit breaking their legs, but I just can’t see any real money in this thing. It totally goes against God’s plans for us to struggle like a pair of bums throughout most of life, living where we don’t want to live. You don’t trap someone in places like Brattleboro, Valleyhead, jail, most of the apartments I had, or the Phoenix house because you like to see them be where they want to be.

I start to get excited about getting away from the fucking canal dog after living with it for what will be nearly two years, but why bother? I’ll just be going to live with another one down there. At least it will be warm most of the time! I miss being in a newer place where I can wear shorts most of the time. I miss the palms and year-round flowers. Oh, to have more than 600 square feet of levelness! I dread the noise, the giant spiders, and what health problems that lay ahead for me, but the risk will be worth it. I’m getting sicker and sicker of this house by the minute, and the whole damn state!

I haven’t been in the mood to do any writing, so I’ve been bored. I wish I could find more things to do! Guess I’ll go read for now.

Safeway’s no longer the fun adventure it used to be with Liz gone. Or at least we think she’s gone since Tom hasn’t seen her. I guess if she can go from not seeming to be pregnant at all, to seeming 5 months pregnant the next day, then to 8 the next, according to when Tom last saw her, then why not jump to having had it already? Maybe there are 4 Lizs! So much for trying to do any more spells on her! Poor girl, to have her life be over at just 25 years of age. Then again, we both agree it was hard to judge her age. Her appearance suggested she was around 25, but her personality and the way she talked suggested she could be a bit older, though I can’t believe she’s over 30. For her sake, I just hope her man sticks by her.

Since the Nikita seller is obviously not reliable and not likely to come through for me, I had to choose between a couple of Ashton-Drake items, Barbies, Tonners, or this beautiful Asian mannequin up for sale on eBay, and in the end, I chose the Ash items. All but one of the Tonners I currently want aren’t available yet, and I’d rather wait longer and pay twice as much for those lingerie mannequins that are super nice. So I’m getting an Indian doll that lies on her side, propped up on one elbow that measures 15” long. I’m also getting a black and white “breathing, purring” cat with 3 kitties. This will be my last treat for who knows how many years, thanks to our lovely God who’s no doubt going to jump at the opportunity to kick us down hard and long as soon as we move.

God’s little bum just signing in, wanting to say that my resentment for Him only deepens. He has us reduced to not only doing without a refrigerator but not being able to use the microwave when both portable heaters and computers are running, thanks to the ancient electrical wiring in this dive which Tom thinks was actually built in the 20s, not the 40s. But every now and then I forget to turn off the heater before zapping something, so I had to go out through the cold and the mud and hit the fuse button earlier. I had Tom show me where it was so I wouldn’t have to wake him up. This is just what we need this late in life, huh?! Never can get ahead. Just never can fucking get ahead! And when we start to, we get kicked back. What’s the bastard want me to say? Something like, “Fine, I’ll be your little bum by not bothering with the microwave either so I don’t have to have the hassles of setting clocks and having my computers reboot. I’ll wash my clothes in the tub, I’ll eat cheap shit, I’ll put my own self in pain somehow on days that You don’t, I’ll do things I don’t want to do, I’ll find the dumpiest, noisiest dive available in Sacramento (not that this one would be any challenge), etc.” Maybe if I did do all of this He’d lay off me for a change, or just maybe I would be rewarded in the afterlife because there sure as hell won’t be any compensation in this life!

Liz has been gone and so has next door. Yet it doesn’t seem like they’ve moved because the window coverings are still up. What, are we going to have to go through yet another turnover before we move, or what? Could they have moved to a place where they can play music without anyone bitching about it? I can’t believe they’d move over that. If they have moved, then because it was so soon after moving in, it’s gotta be because they got in trouble as most freeloaders do. And this is Oregon, so if they fucked over any white folks, they’re not going to get away with it that easily.

Kepa said my 4th and final package was to be mailed out tomorrow, he’s sorry for the delay and that even though the prices are based on my suggestion, they may have to raise the prices or unit sizes due to the labor involved, and they simply don’t have all their 1500 scents soaking at once. The company’s not as big as I originally thought it was, but as I told him, I understand, and he’ll always have a customer in me. To get such a big order in less than a month sure beats the two months it’d take Incense Galore to send me small orders! I’m glad they broke it up into multiple mailings as I was running out of incense when the first batch arrived. I told him the only things I’d change are to continue enlarging the fonts, keep the outsides of the bags free of oils, so they don’t stick to other bags and pull the writing off, and watch the count. Some bags were short a stick or two. Meanwhile, I love his service and products. He asked how many were short, and I told him I hadn’t kept track, but maybe 20-30 bags were short, and that some of the sticks sometimes still go out, but they’re usually fine once I relight them. I also like how he has no order minimum requirement, and explained that I got such a big order because we’re moving out of state soon, which will no doubt leave us broke for a while. Lastly, I still have about 500 or so scents I want to try, but then my orders won’t be so big as I’ll have a ‘favorites’ list. I may then order in larger quantities, but not as many different items.

Tom hasn’t been able to do any races because of bad weather. Funny how there’s always something.

With the exception of that $200 he won, EFO is still proving to be TUT. I keep thinking that God better compensate me for all the shit I’ve gone through! And Tom too, but I know He won’t. The last thing God cares about is seeing that Tom and Jodi get rich. God doesn’t always compensate. He’s often cruel and unfair, period. So with this in mind, all I can do is hope the transition to Sacramento goes a hell of a lot smoother than the move up here did, but I know it’ll be rough sailing. Long-distance moves always are unless you have money. The move to Deerfield, Norwich, Phoenix, Maricopa, then finally to Oregon, all left me/us broke. Each move took us a year or more to get on our feet, and of course, we never quite made it in Maricopa.

I’ll at least hope we don’t lose everything when we do get down there, and that we won’t have to suffer in the mainstream of chaos and antics for more than 5 years. I’m also hoping that if we can’t have an out-of-the-way house before he’s 55, we’ll at least be able to rent something in a retirement community. We may still get dogs and car doors there, but that’d eliminate things like music, and houses having basketball hoops with animals slamming balls outside our windows for 5 hours at a time. Of course, I still say the freeloading sickos coaxed their animals into doing that for my account, but the point’s still the same. What’s also the same is that life isn’t about getting what I want, so I assume these are just dreams. Life really, really isn’t what I want in both big and small ways. Of the many books and DVDs I’ve won, for example, not one of them was any of the ones I wanted! So I sure am welcome to live wherever I don’t want to live, that’s for sure.

I totally resent God more and more for making us live like this. We may’ve chosen this dump of a house so we could have extra money, but we shouldn’t have to live like bums in order to do so at our ages. I totally feel picked on and singled out while everyone else in our families gets to live in their nice houses and drive their fancy cars. What the fuck makes them so much better and deserving than us? I’m tired of being God’s little bum!

I just wish Tom would quit being so naïve where this program’s concerned. It’s simply not going to make more than a few bucks a day if even that. He had made $35 on Saturday, then lost it Sunday due to two horses breaking legs. Horses break legs all the time in racing, so I don’t see how he expects to make more than just a few scattered bucks here and there with an occasional 100-to-200-dollar winner, just like with scratch tickets. If it is going to pay off more, and that’s a big if, then it’s not going to be anytime soon. Certainly not before June.

I left Kim some incense I didn’t like. Although it hasn’t woken me up yet, I’m getting tired of having to hear her music when she comes and goes, which is getting to be more often lately. Where did this come from? She went over a year without music, and now it’s a common occurrence with her. Is it because she hears mine? Does she figure there’s nothing I could do about it being 150 pounds lighter? Does she figure we’re cool enough with each other that I wouldn’t care? Well, as long as it doesn’t get any louder I won’t care. I’m a bit concerned, however, that as the weather warms up, she won’t have sense enough to turn it down when she’s got her windows open.

The bad news is that we’re in for the second round of snow since returning from the cruise, and lower highs. They’ll be in the 30s and 40s rather than the 50s, but the good is that the lows won’t be down in the teens. That really makes the nights really uncomfortable when they are! It’ll be hitting down into the 20s and 30s instead.

We’ve been noticing a surprising pattern with next door and that’s that they seem to take off during the weekends. I can’t imagine where it is they go, I’m just shocked they haven’t been a problem. I’m also shocked I haven’t seen any kids over there. Maybe they’d have turned out to be a problem had I kept my office in the living room, and maybe Kim’s getting a little more musical lately because I moved it onto her driveway. She’s just the type to play loud music, too. She’s young and no doubt lonely, destined to be alone forever as big as she is. Anyway, we’ll see how next door is when it warms up, as in the 60s and 70s.

Nothing but piddly wins lately, but at least those don’t give us any headaches.