Finished a book on my Kindle last night and crashed around 1am. At that time my throat was “stable,” so to speak. I awoke at 4am with cramps and found them to be even worse, but the ibuprofen I took for my cramps also killed the inflammation in my throat and I woke up as good as new just like I said I would. :)

In that last hour or so before I fell asleep my near-future and long-term fears came to haunt me and I had a little “Nane attack,” too. I miss her and our chats, but she’s the one who dumped me and I reminded myself that and that anyone who doesn’t believe in me doesn’t deserve a place in my life anyway. Anytime you’re the only one who’s sending cards and messages and asking how the person is while getting nothing in return is when the cold hard truth becomes obvious enough. She’d only dump me again if I was dumb enough to forgive her anyway, but Nane’s not the type to go begging for forgiveness or to realize when she’s done wrong in the first place. In her mind, she did absolutely nothing wrong by toying with me, then ignoring me for two months, and then dumping me cuz she didn’t believe I was really having the rough time I said I was having. But while one can only insist so many times that they weren’t just “out for attention,” they can’t make them believe it. It’s got to be up to them what they want to believe. I still think, though, that she knew me well enough to know the truth and that she only said I was playing with her feelings because that’s exactly what she was doing to me. Some people are just hypocritical like that.

It isn’t just what happened with Nane that bothers me, but the same old continuing trend I’ve seen going on with me basically all my life, and that’s the non-mutuality. I hate to sound mean, judgmental and stereotypical, but it really does seem that the uglier and the crazier they are, the more they like me while the so-called “stable” and better-looking ones look down on me and see me as this inferior being. I’m not saying every hottie is a bitch or that every ugly person is nice to me. I’ve dealt with some mean, ugly bitches in life just like I’ve met a few kind hotties where the attraction was totally mutual. But for the most part, it’s not. The ugly ones are the ones that are nice, the crazy ones are the ones I get the most attention from, and the hotties don’t want to know I exist. Or at least not most of the time. The troll, who’s both ugly and crazy, has been looking for me on and off all day despite it being Christmas and having her family and extended family over visiting. Yesterday she spent over 3 hours looking for me over a 12-hour period. I wouldn’t want this much attention from even the kindest, hottest chick on earth, but if I must have it anyway, why can’t it be from someone who’s sweet and hot to make it a little more worth it? Why must it be from a psycho who looks unkempt, disheveled and drunk in most of her photos?

But I don’t know that I want to go back to public journaling anytime soon. I know I will sooner or later and that I should just do my best to ignore her and promote my books, but I like the idea of keeping her in the dark for a while as far as what I’m writing about these days (and she’s not going to like it when she finds out just what that is). Eventually, though, I’ll probably go back to Thoughts, MyOpera and MD. The more places I post the links, the better.

Today we did the cover design (very pretty) for A Rainbow in Munich and tomorrow we’ll be launching it to submissions. It will take a few days to either be accepted or rejected. They have a process they go through where they check for plagiarism, then they go over the book if not to read it word for word then to at least get a general idea of the plot and any obvious spelling/grammatical errors that may be present.

The cover shows a picture of a rainbow against a cloudy sky and is much brighter and easier to see than my first book cover, but hey, we were just learning and when you’re self-published you have to do most of the work yourself if you don’t want the hassles and pressures of contracts or any of that fun shit.

I have ideas for Renting Ginny which will be the third one I’ll submit, but I must remember not to make it too feminine in appearance since most of my readers will be lesbians who don’t usually like anything overly feminine. So, no colors like pink, no long hair, no makeup, no heels, no curvy bodies.

Anyway, back to the non-mutuality bitchfest. I know a lot of the rejection I used to get and would continue to get from most lesbians in general if I were as sociable as I once was, was due to my femininity and my height. Or lack of it, I should say, but especially my femininity. People see my pictures online and I think that after expecting to see some tomboyish-looking chick they’re like – WTF? Is this some kind of joke? But what you see is what you get and the fact that I continue to attract mostly uglies is kinda insulting if you ask me. It just makes me feel like I’m an ugly dog myself. I’m no beauty queen, I never wanted to be, and I have no intentions of actually getting together with anyone. But it doesn’t stop me from wondering about myself at times. Most people tend to go for what they feel are their “equals,” sometimes consciously, sometimes subconsciously. So does this mean that the uglies see me as ugly, too? Just wondering about that one. Did Nane truly see me as “not pretty enough” even though she often complimented my photos? Again, I really wonder about these things and what makes me such a magnet for the uglies as harsh and as cruel as it may sound as I know we can’t usually help our looks for the most part.

Even after all these years I still ask why. Why did God feel I didn’t deserve to act on my lusty fantasies like a normal human being? Why did He deny me that in life? I think I deserved to act out my fantasies the same as anyone else, but apparently something up there thought otherwise. Yet settling never worked for me. I tried it with Ron and then with Al and then with Brenda, but I just couldn’t get into sex with someone I wasn’t attracted to. I was certainly more attracted to Brenda than I was to Ron and Al, but it was nothing like my attraction has been to people like Nane, Barbara, Teddy Bear, Maliheh, Rosemarie, etc. I was attracted to my own husband too, and ever since we met I have never looked back despite the crushes mixed in, nor could I ever imagine life without the guy. He’s anything but the dumb, crazy and mixed-up kind of person I usually attract. But it’s still not the same if that makes any sense. I just was never as hot for him on the outside as I always was/am on the inside. I have always wished I could be one of those with a looks-don’t-matter attitude. Sorry, but I just can’t get it on with someone simply because they may be nice as hell any more than I could eat liver for dinner every night simply because it’s good for me. We try to eat what we like, listen to the kinds of music we like, watch the kinds of movies we like, and it seems that way with those we’re intimate with, too. If you’re just a friend of mine I don’t care what the hell you look like. But I, like most people, just can’t get into the idea of sex with a “sweetie” if there’s no lust involved. If anything I think lust is more important to most people than personality, right or wrong. Even I’ve had one-nighters with people who made it clear to me that they were attracted to me but didn’t think I was “right” for them.

Well, let’s put it this way…if I ever again hear another woman tell me she’s hot for me or has feelings for me, I’ll scream, for chances are she’ll be ugly, crazy or both. Maybe someday this recurring “coincidence” won’t bother me so much. After all, Nane did like me for a while, Christine is anything but ugly or crazy and neither is my husband. Also, the attraction between Teddy Bear and I was definitely mutual and she wasn’t crazy, so there are 4 people right there, plus a few guys I can think of that liked me that weren’t so bad-looking themselves. :) So even though it’s a rare occurrence, even ugly little Jodi S can occasionally catch the eye of someone who caught hers. :) Amazing, ain’t it? The only problem is that nothing ever actually happened with these people. It never will either. And strangely enough, I don’t want anything to happen with them at the same time I think, aw, too bad nothing can ever come of it. Is this normal? Or am I just as crazy as the crazies I often attract? Is it normal to have these mixed emotions and these mixed desires?

As for my short and long-term fears, doubts and worries…they were the usual. Will we just end up in the same old poverty trap we’ve been trying to escape on and off since coming to this damn state in just a matter of months or even weeks? And who will care for us when we’re old and unable to fend for ourselves? I don’t want to grow old alone and die alone, but unless I’m suddenly killed in a car accident or something like that along the way, that’s what’s bound to happen to a woman whose husband is 8 years older and as long as women continue to live an average of 10 years longer than men.