I wasn’t going to do an entry today but then decided to. Can’t promise much over the 3-day weekend, though, as that’s when we’ll be busy prepping manuscripts for submissions. Even though Amazon’s standards aren’t as high as a traditional publisher’s, and even though I already got published with them, I always worry they’ll find a reason to reject anything else I submit. So I’m doing my best to make sure the format and everything are as they should be to meet their submission guidelines and all that.

Eileen started reading Renting Ginny and said she was “hooked,” LOL. She asked if she could get it on her Kindle and I told her we were planning to submit my last two books for publication soon. I just didn’t think she’d want to have to buy a copy being a friend and all that, LOL.

So far it does seem that Renting Ginny just may be my best book based on the feedback it’s received so far. Even I thought it came out ok and I’m my worst critic.

Thought I heard my pest of a landlord come down (probably to get something from his shit pile) while I was in the shower. What’s he gonna do, come down every week? I can’t wait to get away from this guy! I really hope we do make it out of here next year. I sooo miss living in a real house with adequate space. Even if this place turned into a spacious, modern house, I’m sick of living with this guy and his dogs!

While the dogs go crazy when left alone at night at any time of year, this is the time of year they go crazy when left alone in the daytime, and like most people, Jesse’s in and out several times a day.

Most people have company anywhere from several times a week to several times a day, so yeah, I’m a little worried that this may be annoying to have to deal with in a senior community, and I still worry dogs won’t be allowed indoors because dogs aren’t pets in the west. I hope they have a rule there, however, where people can get them as household pets only and that they adhere to these rules. Lastly, there are the car stereos to worry about. But the only way we’re going to know if adult communities really are quieter than the mainstream is to actually spend some time in one. If it’s just as noisy as any old part of the city and rowdy kids are visiting every day, back to some little old shitbox in the country we go. I hope it really is quiet, though, because that’s the only way to take advantage of conveniences like cable, regular trash pick-up, mail delivered to your door, etc., without going back to the city with the freeloaders, college kids, etc. As I’ve learned, if we live anyplace where we can have the worst neighbors on earth, we will. We’ve had it all – welfare bums, Mormons with a million kids, home renovation freaks, drummers, partiers…

I have been utterly famished for the last few days. Nothing I eat satisfies me. I’m always, always hungry. I suppose some is connected to my cycle, but it seems a bit extreme even for that. So much so that I am seriously contemplating cutting my lips or tongue to cut back my eating. I’m tired of working out just to yo-yo back and forth within the same 5-pound weight range. All it does is keep me in good shape. This is better than nothing but I need to “transfer” the hunger to pain. I figure that if I’m in enough pain I won’t feel the hunger. Pain is easier for me to live with than hunger as I’m a little more used to that. But it’s hard to concentrate for long with this constant hunger always gnawing at me. I don’t understand just what the hell is making me so hungry in the first place. I know we’re supposed to be a little heavy when we’re older and I guess my body wouldn’t be so determined to hang onto the weight if it didn’t feel it needed it, but I just wish there was something I could do about it without going to such extremes. I simply can’t deal with the hunger and the fatigue that goes with it. But I can’t puke up my main meals either. I have tried and tried to coax myself into doing that but being as disgusted as I am by the idea I just can’t do it. Yet I have to diet and exercise somewhat because I’m not like most people in that not dieting means they just don’t lose weight. For me not dieting means I’ll gain indefinitely. Tom thinks I’d eventually stop gaining, but I disagree. I think that as long as I take in more calories than I burn on a regular basis, I will continue to gain an average of 1 pound every 10 days till the day I die. Well, I certainly don’t want that any more than I want to be hungry!

I don’t want to cut my lips because that’d be visible and I wouldn’t want people getting the wrong idea and thinking Tom did it. I’m gonna have to take a razor and slit my tongue. The thought of it makes me cringe and I don’t think I’m tough enough to muster up the courage to do it, but let’s see this pig stuff herself then.

Still getting a strange wave of spam. Still get the usual sex calls and lotto scams, but most of those get filtered out. This new round of shit is mostly from real sites as if someone signed me up for all these newsletters or something, and so they’re not hitting my spam box. I’m getting over 100 a day between both.

Irene just messaged me saying that Nane told her about what happened with us (yeah, I figured she would and that’s ok), and Irene said she wondered if I was in love with Nane and said I seemed like an extreme person to her though she cares about me very much and thinks of me a lot. She also said she’s had to see a therapist in the past and thinks I’m lonely and that therapy would be good for me, LOL. And with what insurance? LOL, yeah, I can see where one would mistake the lustless for the lonely, but a therapist couldn’t have given Tom a job or stopped the Unemployment people from cutting our checks like they did. Nor did I love Nane, though I did have feelings for her.

I can also see where due to not knowing me well and due to the language differences, one who might be facing starvation in the streets just might be seen as “extreme” and in need of therapy. But I also don’t feel bad, guilty or ashamed for the way being faced with that possibility like I was a few months ago made me feel and react. Anyone would be a basket case that was in that situation. Anyone. My only regret is not keeping my mouth shut about it. But ever since he found work and our survival hasn’t been on the line, all has been fine. Not perfect, but fine. I never expected to have a perfect life and be in a perfect mood every day, but since then I haven’t been depressed or anxious. I know all good things come to an end and that sooner or later God will once again be getting His kicks at watching us suffer, but until then I have no reason to frown or think of suicide. Ok, so like most people I’m frustrated with my weight and life’s everyday little problems – pesky landlords, leaky pipes, cold weather, etc., but my problems of today don’t even come close to being as extreme as they were a few months ago.

I really can see where Irene would’ve gotten the wrong idea about me. I disagree with Nane and how she said virtual friendships can’t work, but I also understand that online you can’t see expressions and you can’t hear tones. Therefore, it’s easy to misread someone you don’t know well and it’s not like Irene and I have communicated all that much.

Nane seems even less forgiving than I am, so I don’t think she’ll contact me, but as I told Irene (knowing she’d tell Nane) I am at the point now where I will not take her back as a friend. It’s too late for that. In fact, if I hear her name one more time today I think I just might scream. Then Irene can really think I could use some therapy.