“I see a future writer here,” the principal of my elementary school told my then 10-year-old self as I fidgeted nervously while he neatened the small stack of my “adventures” that sat on his desk before him.

“I think I want to be a singer,” I said.

“Well, either way,” the principal told me with his brightest made-for-children smile, “you shouldn’t do this, Miss O. You shouldn’t write these wonderful little stories of yours and try to pass them off as events that really happened because when the other kids find out it didn’t really happen they may not like you.”

I was remembering this particular incident with Tom yesterday and laughing, though it was anything but funny at the time. I was scared. I didn’t care so much about my classmates liking me or not as opposed to pissing my mother off enough to get my butt whooped for it. I don’t remember the tall tale I wrote and tried to pass off as a real event. All I remember is writing a few copies of the story for a few classmates back in the 5th grade. I’d love to read whatever it was I wrote, LOL, but at that age, it was probably some silly shit like me having some kind of superpower or something like that.

But the future was evident in the past. Being older and smart enough to look back on it all now, one can clearly see I was born to write and learn foreign languages, not to sing or play the piano or guitar. The signs were there all along. But when I was young I did what I wanted. Now I do what I’m best at. :) I think it sometimes works out that way for a lot of us. I always did like to write even though I was preoccupied with singing till my mid-20s or so. I can sing, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t imagine life without writing every single day at this point. I don’t sing every day like I used to. It just doesn’t interest me like it once did. As for the instruments – I’m lucky if I remember many chords. I mostly played by ear and found that to be easier although I could read music if I had to.

Andy reminded me that not everyone can learn languages as easily as I can when I was laughing at how Barbara seems to have a class of idiots. I know it’s mean of me and I shouldn’t laugh as I have plenty of things I suck at myself, but there was this one part where she asks her students to come up with positive examples of why they’re happy. Ich bin glücklich weil (I am happy because) and one idiot comes up with du bist krank (you are sick). Another dumbshit comes up with du bist traurig (you are sad).

Das ist dumm (that is dumb)!

I had a dream a few nights ago in German. Well, it was just one short sentence but it was correct. Sometimes my dreams in foreign languages are all wrong just like Andy’s piano playing is all wrong in his dreams even though his audience always loves it. I pointed to someone and asked, “Wer ist das?” That means who is that?

Nothing bad happened to my rat despite having a bad dream about him, but he is acting differently. Two days ago he was more lovey-dovey than usual. This has always been a friendly, affectionate rat, but he doesn’t like to cuddle and be held as much as some of the others. If you go to grab him he tends to squirm away. But after he did his usual running around and exploring he actually sat still long enough for me to rub his back. Then yesterday he seemed to have no energy at all. He was out and about for a while but he slept more than usual. Rats are nocturnal but he usually gets up a few times during the day wanting freedom and attention for a little while and then he goes back home and back to sleep when he’s done. Most rats will just fall asleep wherever, but not this guy, LOL. He usually goes back home and crashes there.

Been having fun with the Kindle. I watched a movie online and read a few book sample downloads. I’ll have to check out the library soon where you “borrow” books for X amount of time. Other than the movie, I was barely online long enough yesterday other than to respond to blog comments and add Kim when she joined the site. I even blew off my editing altogether so after my workout and shower that’s what I’ll be doing.

It’s a little tough trying to motivate yourself to work out when you’re up 3 pounds. I know 1 or 2 of those pounds are water, but it’s still not easy.

Andy hasn’t said anything as mean and hurtful as to imply I’m a liar or making excuses for my sleep disorder or anything like that, but all he does is talk about sex these days and post disgusting background pictures containing nudity and sexually explicit pictures. Even if the woman’s gorgeous with a great body I never found extreme nudity or pornographic pictures to be a turn-on in any way. She can be wearing next to nothing but when her private parts are totally exposed it’s actually kinda gross. To me, a woman is sexier with clothes on than without them, and of course the pictures of guys sucking each other off are a serious turn-off to me. I’ve tried to tell him this even though I know it’s his account, and I’ve tried to warn him that it may get him kicked off, even though they’ve already removed one of his pics, but he just doesn’t seem to care. It’s like he’s literally turned into this pervert who’s addicted to sex even though he admits he rarely gets any. So I anonymously complained to see if that would get him to stop. Actually, I hoped it would get him banned cuz I’m sick of Formspring altogether. I know it sounds deceptive, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings by just deactivating my account and leaving. He lives to do this with me every day, though I don’t always have the time or the desire to sit and supply him with questions and answers.

Well, unless he changed his background pic on his own, they removed the pic he had on of a HUGE woman on all fours baring her naked and disgustingly fat ass and thunder thighs.

Later…

Well, I got my official fuck off letter from Nane. She wrote: 

You once said, someone told you that I was a shallow person, you yourself called me a shallow bitch........not that it hurts me in any kind of way, but it just goes to proof that “friendships” made in a virtual space cannot ever be real friendships.

You do not know me at all, the least I am is a shallow person. But there is no way that I can proof this to you, ever.

In a way, I feel sorry that our “friendship” has come to an end, but I really did feel that you were playing with my feelings, as you once put in one of your messages.

Just let me go, no hard feelings, it was a pleasure to have known you in a sort of strange, but funny and interesting way. Wishing you and Tom and your rat all the best, I mean it…

N.

I replied with: 

Ok, Nane, if that’s what you wish, though I think it was YOU that played with my feelings, something we’re obviously never going to agree on. I realize that no matter how much I try to defend myself and insist that I didn’t play with yours, you’ll never believe it. I too, am sorry our friendship, virtual or not, has come to an end. But always remember that was YOUR choice, Nane, not mine. But yes, I will let you go if that’s what you wish. I enjoyed the good times while they lasted and I don’t regret “meeting” you. You’ve taken from me your friendship, but you can never take from me the memories (and fantasies). I wish you and Jim the best too, and I hope you enjoy the stories.

J.

And so I have let her go. Ain’t she just so damn sweet, though? Aly and Andy were right about her, though I figured as much, too. I just didn’t want to give up on her so easily. God, I wish I could be the cold, unforgiving bitch I was from my mid-20s till my late 30s! Never forgive, never forget. That was my motto. But I’m such a soft-hearted fool that I’d forgive her and take her back right this minute if she apologized and asked to move on and be buds again.

But now she’s basically made me let go. She’s still hell-bent on believing that when I was so sure our situation a few months ago was totally hopeless and I was contemplating suicide I was just playing with her for attention but I swear I wasn’t. It hurts to reach out to someone I thought I could trust in a time of need just to be called a liar and then dumped for it, but that’s life, I guess, and I’ve learned from it. I’ve learned not only to keep my mouth shut when feeling that way but to never again bother approaching someone I’m attracted to on or offline.

I’ve never been into playing with people’s feelings. Not now, not in the past, not in the future. The idea of that just never appealed to me. I either care about a person enough to not want to hurt their feelings or I just don’t care what their feelings are at all, period. In fact, I cared that much about her feelings that I wouldn’t tell her how shitty the last two pictures she posted of herself looked.

Oh, and you see that part about her not being able to “prove” she’s not the shallow bitch she really is? Yes, she could have proven it simply by being a friend, plain and simple. Much like others have. Phony bitches like her only make me appreciate my true friends even more like Andy, Maliheh, Alison, Mitch and others. :)

I did send her the final story she’s going to “star” in that I just finished, only I changed the names in her copy so it’s Renting Marion, LOL. “Nane” is renting “Marion,” LMAO! Even Alison got a kick outa that one. Ok, so I’m not a head player, but I am still a bit of a prankster.

Alison also said she’s sort of with her on my writing about my suicidal thoughts in my blog but that it’s MY blog and so she can just skip what she doesn’t want to read. She said I deserve better than Nane and that she loves my honesty. My bluntness is one of the things she likes best about me, she says, and how I never cross the line into being rude. LOL, I had to laugh at that last part. Actually, I do. I just reserve my rude side for Tom, Andy and Maliheh, my #1 and closest circle of people. Aly’s more like in the #2 circle but of course I wouldn’t tell her that any more than I would tell Nane she oughta borrow my straightening iron and see if she can smooth some of her wrinkles out. :) It’s just not nice to tell such a nice person, hey, I love you, Aly, but you’re second best!

While it may be true that I never played with her feelings I sure wish I could play with her dreams! Every night I’d be her worst nightmare, LOL. After I made her have sex with me I’d turn into a giant rat (she doesn’t like them) and chase and just terrorize the holy hell outa her in her dreams, haha haha!!!!!!!!!! But I’m never so blunt that I’m “rude,” LOL.

I’m not stupid either. I know she’d be the same way had I lived down her street. It was Irene who told me she was phony and they’ve actually met. Nane simply is who she is.

Mitch speed-read it and caught a typo for me – damn it. I myself caught a huge but funny fuck-up that said: She pulled me to her for a soft, sweet kiss and just seconds later I was watching her headlights fade into the distance.

Obviously, that should’ve been “taillights.”