I’m still a little down over Nane’s official Dear John message to me yesterday. Nane, who still believes (unless she’s just saying that) that I was playing with her feelings when in fact I’ve never had the desire to do this to anyone at any point in my life. I may play pranks, but I never cared to confuse or hurt people’s feelings. But if anyone knows the anguish and frustration of not being believed or taken for face value, it’s me. I also know, though, that those who accuse others of basically being a liar are often guilty of the same exact thing as well. So Nane, who’s also so sure that it’s not possible to have a “virtual” friendship, has asked that I let her go but with warm wishes to me, Tom and the rat. She has also said she’s a little sad the friendship is ending even though it was a pleasure in a weird and interesting way to know me for a while, and even though she’s the one throwing it away.

While her Dear Johning me is no surprise, it’s going to be weird for a while getting used to the idea of knowing that there’s no possibility of hearing from her when I go to check in on Facebook and that she’s gone forever. I’ll get used to it, though, and I’ll move on.

I blame myself just as much for ending up stabbed in the back by the bitch. Not that I feel responsible for her own actions in any way. Oh no, she’s responsible for what she’s done. But where I feel responsible is that I should have known better than to approach someone I was attracted to in a virtual world or not. I learned young just what is/isn’t meant to be. Twenty years ago I vowed to stop approaching women I was attracted to in person and I did. Now I’m vowing to do that online as well. I’m sorry but I’m sick of the shit I get from them! I’m sick of attracting only ugly or crazy chicks and I’m sick of the so-called sane ones and the hotties fucking with my head, blowing me off, or being downright mean to me on account of my appearance or because of something else they perceive to be wrong with me. If this is how they feel, why don’t they tell me up front? Why string me along first? I’m used to those I’m attracted to not being attracted to me back, and no, I’m not perfect, but by God do they really have to be these mean, cruel fucking bitches and play these kindergarten games???

Well, let me just say that no one should have to have a friend they feel is “lying” to them when they reach out to them in a time of need or that puts their trust in them by divulging anything about them – their lifestyle, their physical limitations/problems – so feel free to not have anything to do with me if you don’t think I’m an honest enough friend for you or that I reveal too much about myself to you that you either don’t agree with or you just don’t get. :) I wouldn’t want to burden anyone with my so-called lies, honesty, uniqueness or anything else. I mean, shame on me for having a driving phobia and shame on me for working at home. That’s simply not “normal.” Can’t accept non-normal, though? No problem; just insist I’m lying instead or out for attention and that I’m making excuses so I can be “too lazy” to fix myself and make myself normal just like everyone else. :)

Tom’s got his first cold in quite a while, the poor guy. I tried to get him to scald his throat but he insisted his super hot tater tots were enough. But they weren’t. It needs to be done with liquids. It’s the only way to kill the virus from taking hold and fully setting in. Maybe next time he’ll listen to me even though he hates tea and coffee. He should have burned his throat with hot water.

Speaking of the virtual world, it sure overwhelmed me yesterday. It seemed that everyone was coming at me with a zillion comments and questions on a zillion sites and I just need a break at times! I’m just not into doing social sites every single day like some of my friends are. Not that I don’t enjoy it for the most part; I just need/want to be doing other things as well. I should probably restrict them to just weekends, but we’ll see. Maybe it’d be better if I learned to discipline myself by not checking them so often and by making people just wait till I feel like being social. I’ve never been much of a people person anyway. I hated to see people every day in person so why would I want to every day online?

So much for hoping for peace on weekends, though Jesse still tends to be noisier during the week. He had his fucking truck running and gunning for 10-15 minutes yesterday, then we got to hear the motorcycle, and then some barking while he was gone and I was trying to watch a movie. While I have certainly lived in much, much noisier places, I shook my head sadly, angry that God would keep allowing this to happen in every single place I’ve lived for the last 20 years or so. All I can do is hope we’ll get to rent a place next summer in a senior community and that I’ll be even happier there in a real house that’s newer and nicer and that’s less likely to have barking dogs, motorcycles and dirt bikes zipping through it, etc. We have nearly a grand in savings and that’s even after all the expenses we just had to pay, so hopefully God will be kind enough not to allow the carpet to be yanked out from under our feet between now and next summer. I will be more convinced than ever that something wants us here for Jesse’s sake since good tenants are so hard to find if Tom gets laid off soon. If he does, though, it will probably be within the first quarter of next year, so I’m getting a little nervous as the New Year approaches instead of excited like I wish I could be. First, we have to hope he doesn’t get laid off, then we have to hope they’ll be willing to rent to someone who’s just a temp. Then again, all he has to do is say he works at such and such a place. How would they know if he’s a temp or not? Probably by common sense. If you work in Cali, then you’re probably just a temp.

Anyway, today, just like almost every single day, I will be annoyed periodically by someone over a hundred feet away and that I shouldn’t have to be annoyed by. I shouldn’t have to go to bed wondering if someone over a hundred feet away might wake me up, and I shouldn’t have to worry that they’ll distract me from my work when I am up. I never expected any place to be 100% soundless, but hopefully they’ll simply come and go just once or twice a day in a senior community in a civilized way and not have company 5 times a day every day like most people in the city did that we’d live next to. When your neighbor’s driveway is just inches from the wall of your house, that’s a lot of car doors to have to deal with when they and their company comes and goes and comes and goes all day and all night. But it’s hard to believe they’d do that in a senior community or have loud, old trucks they sit and rev up for several minutes before taking off in them or on motorcycles. I also can’t believe they’d be allowed to leave their dogs outside for me to have to listen to during the hours they were gone. But I’d like the chance to find out.

I hope today’s workout will be better than yesterday’s. My joints were fine but the muscles around my ankles burned so badly the last time that I had to stop running after 5 minutes. I suppose carrying around an extra 40 pounds doesn’t help. Once my sugar-laden coffee creamers run out I was thinking I’d just switch to tea. I may still not lose weight, though. I think the only way to really lose a significant amount at this age is to starve and I’m just not willing to do that and be hungry, sluggish and bitchy all in the name of weight and appearance. It seems that no matter what I still have the same tits, hips and thunder thighs, so they’re obviously not meant to go anywhere. sighs Everything a guy wants and nothing a woman wants. Oh, the straight women usually want these ample curves for themselves, it’s the gay women who don’t like seeing them on other women. Well, not unless they’re either mean or crazy. I know I shouldn’t stereotype like that, but for me, this is how it’s been.

I sent a copy of my manuscript to Tammy. Instead of thanking me for it or expressing any kind of interest in it whatsoever, all she did was go on about her health, saying the doctors say they can’t do anything more and don’t know where the inflammation is coming from, so all she can do is see a pain management doctor. Ah, but only the good die young. You ain’t going belly-up for decades, big sis. It was all I could do to tell her I knew where the inflammation was coming from. But she probably wouldn’t believe me and the mood-influencing thing and all that anyway. I didn’t knowingly and intentionally make her sick, but that’s just what happens when people piss me off bad enough like she did in 2009.

I’m really worried about Tom. He just got out of the shower and says he feels “weird” and isn’t sure what he’s got is a cold. He said he woke up constantly throughout the night and had to pee like 20 times. I worry about him because he not only has a 25-minute drive to work, but he also has a very physical job and no insurance. Unless the healthcare reform becomes more than just talk, he’s got another 10 years before he can have insurance, and I won’t be insured for another 20 years, so we’ve got to stay healthy.

Molly is crazy. I mean totally, totally crazy. I knew this was a twisted individual but it’s like she has no concept of right and wrong even though she’s written a million times in her own journal how sorry she is for bullying others and how she promises never to do it again. I just hope I’m not going to have to block her soon (already she’s hit me up for a phone chat I had to refuse) and that it won’t make things worse for me if I do have to. Unfortunately, there are people out there who can’t simply feel hurt or angry by those who no longer want to be friends with them. Instead, they feel they must either “punish” them for it or try to win them back over. She seems to believe she can make people like her and want to communicate with her, but no matter how many times I or others try to encourage her to seek out those many other fish in the sea that will want to be her friend, she’s still obsessed with those that have cut her off on account of her possessive pushiness nearly a decade ago. I used to have some of these negative traits myself where I tried to win back those that dumped me or I’d just shit on them for it, but as I learned, that usually only makes things worse. I wouldn’t mind playing kiss and makeup with Nane now even though she’s proven to be a bitch, but she told me to just let her go and so I intend to respect her wishes even though it’s her that’s letting me go.

Just seconds after Alison (who does still seem to be the root of her obsession for some reason) changed her profile picture on Facebook, Molly messaged her to say she liked it and asked yet again to be added there after Alison told her several times she wasn’t going to add her there or call her or write her a postal letter. That’s another thing she doesn’t seem to get; that we can’t make people add us. I canceled out my own unaccepted friend requests figuring that if people I’ve requested to add haven’t added me, then they must have their reasons for it. Meanwhile, if they change their mind they can send me an invite and I’ll consider it.

Also, the troll made a review of the same Chinese restaurant Alison recently reviewed even though Alison’s in Nebraska while the troll’s in Texas.

Alison was pissed cuz every other journal post (she makes like a dozen a day) is all about her supposed concern for Alison’s health. Aly and I just don’t get why she cares so much about someone she hasn’t been friends with for so long. And this is right after claiming she was “better off without her in her life.” WTF?!

Oh, good. I just read in the troll’s blog that her older sister is having another baby in two weeks so maybe that’ll keep her occupied for a while. She does seem to love being an aunt, always gloating about her niece Ella who’s about to turn two and all that. Imagine if they knew just how crazy their stalking aunt truly was.

What the hell is wrong with my rat this morning??? He seemed to have no energy all weekend, but now he’s all wound up and won’t leave me alone.

Later…

I lazed out of running/walking altogether today. I know sore boobies and other PMS symptoms are a lousy excuse, but I seem to not want to do much today. I don’t want to work out, I don’t want to socialize, I don’t want to do this or do that. Don’t take it personally, though, if I didn’t reply to today’s millions of comments and questions, LOL. If I don’t get to them later, then I will tomorrow. I just want some alone time today from both the virtual and non-virtual worlds. :)

I just love the new Kindle. I downloaded some books and am into Patricia Gussin’s Shadow of Death right now. I usually only read during the last hour or two of my day. It’s great for when I’m too tired to do anything constructive, but not quite ready for sleep. The only thing I don’t like is that the Kindle is a little heavy to hold in this little hand of mind, and you can accidentally “flip” pages at times if your finger taps the edge of the screen.

It’s after 8am now so I suppose I’ll be hearing Jesse any minute. I’ll put the sound machines on loud enough to drown him out, but not the propane people, though they shouldn’t get here till the end of the day. The guy doesn’t like driving the truck down the steep drive when it’s full.