I’m tempted not to bother checking my Yahoo mail every day like I usually do because I’m sick of all the spam. I don’t know why but I’ve been getting hit with it in waves. When I got up yesterday there were 23 messages waiting for me and only one of them wasn’t spam. Now there’s a new trend going on where spammers send spam to multiple addresses at once, so now those that are being spammed get to have my addy as well. I pretty much know when I’m going to hear from who as not many of my friends are that erratic and unpredictable, so we’ll see.

I wish I was better at getting myself to do what I should do and not what I want to do. I should eat less but I don’t. I should dump Barbara and Nane but I don’t do that either. I don’t think I’m gonna hear from Barb ever again, though. As for Nane, I don’t know for sure but sometimes I wonder if we really had more than just a misunderstanding and if she really was in fact toying with me and plans to do it again by ignoring me for months at a time. Even two of my friends suspected she might be playing games and it’s quite common for gamers to accuse someone of what you’re accusing them of as a means of defense. I don’t have to be a therapist to know this, but yeah, if you accuse your mate of cheating they’ll probably turn around and say they thought you might be cheating, too.

I’m also still kind of hurt that she “thought” I was just playing with her about killing myself. Ok, so never having met and the language differences may’ve been a factor in her misunderstanding, but shouldn’t she be smarter than that? I just would have thought she’d know I would never joke or play games about something so serious. Andy knew damn well I meant business until the job saved our asses, but he has known me all my life, he lives in my country, and he shares the same native language. Still, it’s made me more cautious of whom I say what to.

I guess now is a good time to express some fears, doubts, and worries that have been going through my mind, though I may not actually finish and post this entry online till tomorrow.

For the longest time, I’ve feared that what happened in 2007 and then last September was a preparation of sorts. I live with the constant fear that God or whatever’s up there is going kill me by eventually giving me more than I can handle. I just don’t get how so many people can believe He doesn’t give us more than we can handle. People are dealt shit they can’t handle all the time – diseases, accidents and so much more. Something eventually kills us all. Why? Because we couldn’t handle whatever it was that killed us!

I know that I have to die someday anyway and that the thought of growing old never appealed to me, but I would still rather grow old and die with my husband in some nice little house in an adult community that is perhaps in Florida. But I still wonder if this is just a dream. I also wonder if maybe we should kill ourselves while we’re still doing well before the shit hits the fan again and something up there gets to once again have fun tormenting us with our lives and emotions. But I just don’t have the guts to pull it off. I don’t understand why I’m so afraid to die. I have to die someday anyway even if the economy doesn’t kill us first because my husband’s not going to outlive me unless I got some surprise disease or in some accident along the way and that’s kind of unlikely. I would not only not want to go on without him, but I don’t see how I possibly could. Back when I lived alone I not only had disability benefits even if it wasn’t much, but life was a lot simpler back then. Now things are so damn complicated that as smart as I may be with some subjects like languages and writing, I don’t think I could figure a lot of these things out on my own that’s always come so easy to him. There’s also the sleep disorder so few people seem to get, and I couldn’t just go out and get a job even if the economy was booming.

But right now I’m more worried about the next few months than what may happen if we live long enough to get old in the first place. Tom’s a little concerned because they laid off a bunch of people in another department where he works due to lack of work. We know they won’t let him go before the year is out because he’s filling in for someone who’s going on vacation and because they’re super busy in his department at this time of year, but what about next year??? I totally fear he’s just going to keep getting laid off over and over until he retires if nothing does kill us along the way and that we’re going to be forever trapped in this little old trailer! It’s like something’s holding us here for Jesse’s sake. The odds of him getting hired on anywhere ever again since so few people hire on permanents these days is next to nil. How do we rent in a senior community of all places with him as just a temp? I’m hoping that these kinds of places will accept that that’s just the norm of today’s workplace, but I don’t know about that.

All I know is that I’m so afraid he’ll be laid off before we’re eligible for Unemployment again in April! Our good times simply don’t last that long and sooner or later we’re going to not just get pushed to the edge of a cliff, but pushed off the damn thing altogether. Whatever it is that’s been cursing us so badly simply won’t let us get ahead for long. It keeps kicking us down and through endless cycles of the same old struggles. I’m just so afraid this yo-yo thing is gonna kill me! Never before coming to California did we have such concerns and problems. I’ve had my share of problems all my life but how did they go from “It’s too bad I can’t have/do a particular thing I want in life” to “Will my husband and I survive the next month?”

I tried to tell myself that maybe everything would be ok. Maybe they won’t let him go. They won’t hire him on, but maybe they won’t let him go and everything will be alright. Yet I know I’m just kidding myself. Nothing up there would be that nice to us. Besides, it isn’t just us; it’s life. Most people out there these days are temps that work a few weeks/months here, then get laid off, get a new job for a few more weeks/months, then get laid off again.

Tammy would take us, and as she said, Tom could work with Mark, but I don’t think that’d be a better solution to death the next time the shit hits the fan around here. Really, running to her would be committing suicide! I can’t see myself so desperate that I have to turn to someone who calls the pigs on me every time they get pissed at me and who’s so damn vindictive. I’d simply be too afraid to trust her.

I was talking with Maliheh about growing old and she said they wondered what was worse; growing old alone or having a bunch of people around that just don’t give a damn. I wonder more than that. I wonder just how many of my friends really give a damn as much as they say they do or at least seem to from a distance. But what if I was suddenly in their backyard? What if I suddenly showed up at their door homeless, hungry and in tears? Would they care then? Would I still be a “great” friend? Would I still be “loads of fun?” I wonder about these things sometimes.

Later…

Tom doesn’t think there’s any real cause for concern as far as him getting laid off because right now we have enough saved to cover January and February’s rent. By the end of the year, we’ll be covered through March. So we should be able to bridge the gap or at least come pretty damn close to covering our asses till April. I still worry anyway. After what we’ve been through we could win a million dollars and I’d still worry.

After nearly a half-hour working my arms and abs, I ran non-stop at 4 MPH for 11 minutes and then briskly walked off the remaining 30 minutes on the treadmill. I still look like what I’d sort of describe as a “fit fatty.” LOL, yes I look fit and you can tell I work out, but I still have way too much fat on me. I can dedicate myself to working out, I’ve stopped the cravings by upping my protein, but I cannot kill the constant hunger! Most people can lose weight by just dropping to 1500 calories a day, and while that would be enough for me, it’s too much for losing weight. I need to cut down to around 1000 to lose weight and that’s simply not enough for me to live comfortably on. At 1000 I’m hungry, cold, tired and cranky. So I continue to get fit but keep the fat.

I still can’t figure out how Molly’s bypassing my blocks, but knowing that she’s not the least bit intelligent or sophisticated in any way, I’d say it’s probably a glitch on Tumblr or Toolator’s end. Alison says she hasn’t been to her blog in about a month which is weird, since we both agree we thought she’d find her more interesting than me, but Aly also contacted the cops about her, I haven’t… yet.

She agrees that Nane probably still was playing with me. Yeah, and she probably will again, too. We’ll just see how many months pass before I hear from her again. Love may be blind but so is lust. But neither love nor lust could ever blind my ability to play back. :)

Paula dodged going to jail today because they bumped her sentencing date up to February 27th. I guess the judges got tied up or something. She’s going to New York this weekend to meet her latest loser instead.

For dreams, I haven’t had anything too alarming, though I did have a few disturbing ones. They don’t worry me, though. Dreams of being stuck in hotels, jails and funny farms are nothing new for me. It’s called a lifelong case of PTS.

The best dream was the one where I woke up to find I sold 11 copies of my book. I’m not famous or good enough to sell that many in a day, but it was still nice. Someone in New York downloaded a sample of it before linking into my journal from Smashwords, but apparently, they ended up finding my journal more interesting than my story as they probably accessed every single post, LOL.

In one dream Tom and I were discussing buying something that seemed to be kind of costly, though I don’t know what it was. I hope this is a sign saying we don’t have to worry about him getting laid off. At least not too soon. But in real life, we agreed not to buy any non-necessities until we’ve got $2500 in savings, and assuming life doesn’t throw any curveballs at us anytime soon, this should happen at the end of this month or next. They’re overtiming the hell out of him so damn much that he’s taking home around $700 a week! I just hope that if there really is a reason for everything, then it’s because we deserve a break after struggling for so long and not because we need it for some upcoming crisis.

The disturbing dreams dealt with me being in two different jails. The first one didn’t look anything like a real jail. The doors weren’t locked or anything like that, but I had to be there for some reason. In the second jailhouse dream, those of us who were newly booked and then dressed in were being led single file to our cells. Only the cells turned out to be bathroom stalls in a large bathroom like what you would find in public. It was actually kind of funny.